S.P.E.L.L. it Out. 6 Ways to Set Expectations.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Spelling out expectations is so critical in all aspects of life; like when you have a new employee, when your child cleans their room and, even when we start on a new project.  If you don’t spell out the expectations, it will, at the very least be frustrating and at its worst, an epic fail.  I see this step being skipped constantly.  Why bother?  Shouldn’t your child know what the expectations for a clean room are?  Didn’t we hire that employee because they were the most qualified for the job?  Haven’t you accomplished other projects?  You will be doomed for disappointment without clarifying expectations.

I can imagine that if we did a poll of one hundred parents about their expectations for room cleanliness that we would find at least 80 different sets of expectations (this assumes that some of those poled are married and have already had a few grumbles about room cleanliness and, therefore, have the same expectations).  The point is, you cannot assume that we would all agree about what a clean bedroom is.  And we certainly cannot assume that your child has the same standards.

Your child gets grounded because they didn’t realize that stuffing all the toys under the bed does not mean “clean”.  You’re disappointed in the home improvement project because you didn’t realize that fixtures you really wanted were five times more expensive.

So how do you avoid the tendency to think that everyone knows your expectations through osmosis and get down to the nitty gritty before you send that new employee off into battlefield of ambiguous work standards?  Here are a few steps.

1. Reflect. What do you want?  What does the perfect outcome look like?  You need to be clear with yourself and/or the team before you set your new employee a drift.  Why did we have to hire someone new?  Did the last customer service rep go down in flames because he didn’t know that the schedule was completely inflexible?    As they say, history tends to repeat, so reflect on what went wrong (or right) the last time.

2. Anticipate. When I send my husband to the grocery store for milk, you might think that is a very basic, simple item for him to purchase.  Well, it isn’t.  I need to anticipate who will be opening that refrigerator door for the next seven days.  If it’s my daughter, it better be soy milk.  If it’s my son, it better be organic skim milk.  If my husband is the intended user, it better be 2% lactose free milk.  Simple item.  Complex expectations.

3. List. It’s a good idea to have a list; whether it be a written checklist, employee manual or just a short mental checklist. “Benson”, that’s my son, “a clean room means clean clothes hung up or folded and put away, the bed being made and no items on the floor”.  In my days as a Sizzler restaurant owner, we had a pre-meal checklist for each meal period.  It was important that even the temperature ranges for the food was spelled out.  Soup < 145 degrees.

4. Engage.  Have a conversation.  It might even be a lecture.  But explain your list.  As in, the soup needs to be over 145 degrees because we don’t want anyone getting sick.  The bed needs to be made because we are having visitors this weekend.  We need personal phone calls kept to a minimum because we have a limited amount of incoming phone lines.  Explain the rationale.  It makes for more buy in.

5. Clarify.  There may be a deadline.  There might be a budget.  There may be other resources.  If the grandparents are arriving at 6 PM, this might be important information when my husband heads out for milk at 5 PM.  The new employee might want to know who else on the team has done this job so they have them as a crutch.  S.P.E.L.L. it all out.

6. Rinse and Repeat. Unfortunately, this is not a one shot deal.  It can be time consuming and tedious.  It was obvious which Sizzler restaurant was not using its pre-meal checklist.  And it usually translated into lower sales.  The customers had expectations.

Take the time and energy to S.P.E.L.L. out your expectations.  It will save you frustration, time and energy.  It will also keep your relationships on a higher plane.  Those around you will appreciate knowing what to expect.

What would you do?

Are You Wearing Armor All Day?

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

I’ve been listening to Brené Brown‘s  “Power of Vulnerability” for the last few days.  One of the things she talks about is “wearing armor” or suiting up everyday to keep everyone (and I mean everyone) at arm’s length.  I loved it when she compares “suiting up with armor” to putting on Spanx.  I don’t know if you have ever put on Spanx but I’ve attempted it once…or maybe twice and it is an ordeal.  Trust me, it was worse than trying to zip up my Sassoon jeans while lying on a bed gasping for air when I was 15.  So this analogy really hits home.  Duke-of-Burgundy-Suit-Of-Armor-Headshot

It also reminds me of putting on my New York attitude when I was in the big Apple earlier this summer.  You put your sunglasses on, take off your smile and stomp down the street.  That cold “leave me the hell alone” look so that people don’t ask for money and you can stay on your trajectory on the sidewalk with no interruptions or course corrections from anyone.  It’s exhausting.   The antidote is vulnerability.  So how do you lose the armor? 

Here are some tips:

1.  Moment.  Instead of shutting everything out, you need to be present in the moment.  Author Olivia Fox Cabane recommends feeling your toes.  Feeling your toes brings you awareness of the moment.  I remember breaking my arm when I was thirteen.  I remember every moment, smell, sight and taste of the experience of the emergency room.  When you are really in touch with your body, you are really in the moment.  Don’t bother to break your arm, just stay in touch with your toes and you will be in the moment.

2. Eyes.  Notice the color of people’s eyes.  When you are listening to your child, your  client or your spouse, look for the little flecks of color in their eyes. But as Drake Baer wrote in Fast Company, “The Goldilocks of eye contact comes in two flavors: If you’re in a one-on-one setting, hold eye contact for 7 to 10 seconds; while if you’re in a group, shorten that to 3 to 5 seconds.” If you aren’t making eye contact you come across (intentionally or not) as untrustworthy.  So don’t give them an eye exam. and when walking the streets of Manhattan, take off the shades and connect.  Look into their eyes.

3.  Perspective.  When listening to your partner or boss, try and focus on their perspective.  This is not the time to chime in with how you got stuck in traffic for two hours and “please feel sorry for me” rebuttal.  Stay focused on their “story” regardless if you feel like they are viewing from a skewed perspective.  Feel their perspective and embrace it.  This is not the time to fight it.  Regardless of the “lens” you are looking through it’s not their “lens”.  As David Rock says, no two brains are alike, and whatever their viewpoint is, it is what it is.  Accept the other person’s perspective.

4. Nix sympathy.  Don’t respond with sympathy.  I initially found this difficult to comprehend.  As Brené says in her CD, when you empathize you get into the hole with your friend and help them back out, when you sympathize, you stand at the edge of the hole, stare down at your friend and say you are sorry they are in the hole.  Essentially, sympathizing let’s you raise your self above the person and let them wallow in the suffering.  I think there is a place for sympathy (i.e. funerals) but if you want to really help your friend that just got dumped by her boyfriend, it’s not the time for sympathy.

5. Respond.  Instead of sympathy, respond with empathy.  The easiest way to do this is to label the other person’s feelings.  “I can see you are upset that your boyfriend dumped you”.  “You are obviously frustrated that you had to cancel the meeting”. Labeling works from a brain perspective in that it clarifies  what you heard and lets them know whether or not you got it right.  They might respond, “I’m not frustrated; I’m angry”.  But it makes sure you are on the same page.  You have identified with their perspective and you’ve been open enough to “label” the feeling.  Respond to the feeling with empathy.

Being more present and vulnerable is work.  It’s not easy.  Take one step at a time.  You will get there.  Eventually, you will be able to leave your armor at home.

What are you guarding against?

 

Interrupters Anonymous.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

This is really hard to write about.  I’m Cathy Graham.  I’m an interrupter.  It’s been 3 hours since my last interruption.  So you other interrupter’s out there are saying, so what?  I’m sure you have something important to say.  What’s the big deal?

It is a big deal.  It shuts the door.  It says that my idea or thought or rebuttal is more important than your idea or thought.  I am not saying that I am the only guilty party.  We are a society of interrupters.  Every good political debate, decent reality show and “60 Minutes” investigation usually involves someone interrupting someone else.  Shame on all of us.

Some of you aren’t interrupters.  Thank you. Thank you for your patience and forgiveness.  For the rest of us those who will admit we have a problem let me give you a few pointers on how to get over to the other side.

1. Listen.  I know I’ve written about this before but it cannot be over stated.  Actively listen and quit letting your mind wander into the war zone of rebuttals and/or watching the clock so that you can pretend that you are really listening.  Hmmm.  I’ve let my co-worker talk for at least 2 minutes, so now is my time to jump in.  Stop.  Turn on all receptors.

2. Digest.  Take in the conversation or discussion.  If this is a team meeting, take it all in.  Try and get the whole picture of the other participants’ viewpoint. Is your teammate telling you he can’t get the project done; or just not done in the parameters that the team wanted?  Or by the deadline he initially agreed to?  Take in every detail.  Knowing all the details will help you in the end and the rest of the team will be impressed with your knowledge of the facts and details (pretty cool, huh?).

3. Suspend.  Stay far away from making assumptions.  This is dangerous territory.  If you are assuming then you are not digesting.  There is no way possible for you to read someone else’s mind.  You might have a good guess as to someone else’s motivation but you can’t know for sure.  Your boss might have shot this idea down ten times before but assuming she is shooting you down now puts you on the defensive and lights the match for interrupting.  Suspend all your beliefs and assumptions.  Really.

4. Pause.  As in, wait a cotton pickin’ minute.  OK, maybe not a minute, but wait 5 seconds.  Let there be a little air in the room.  Let everyone take a breath.  Don’t be waiting at the ready to rebut and/or shoot down whatever idea has just been floated.  Pause and take a breath.  And if someone else jumps in, this is your opportunity to learn patience (not my strong suit…this is where I struggle).  Engage in listening mode and bite your tongue.

5. Unselfish. It’s all about them.  Unless this is your wedding day, Eagle Scout induction or your retirement lunch, this is always about them.  Them, as in, everyone else in the room; your teenage daughter, your boss, your coworker, the soccer team or the class.  If you keep them as your focus, you slowly eliminate the amount of interrupting you are doing.  If you can keep your focus on them, on their ideas; you will break your habit.

6. Rinse and Repeat.  Just like your shampoo bottle recommends.  Just keep on keeping on.  There will be times when this is irresistible.  Like when someone tries to instruct me that Napa Valley has the best Zinfandels.  I need to just smile and listen patiently and choke the words back that want to spew forth.  Let them have their peace.  Let them impart their knowledge.  When a manager tries to explain a labor law that I know intimately as well as the latest regulations I  smile and let them have their due.  I’m not going to say that I won’t say anything.  But if they ask?  Sonoma Valley Old Vine is the best, in my humble opinion.  But what do you gain by interrupting to bestow that fact. Unless you’re tasting wines or buying a winery, let them have their way.

I find this to be especially effective with hot button issues like politics, religion and most sporting events (my college Alma Mater is worth interrupting for).  I will say that when I listen patiently, smile and acknowledge others in a heated debate or team discussion, it really improves your reputation.  People gravitate to the person who listens rather than tries to interrupt.  So if you have the habit, acknowledge it and start working on it.  You will be on your way to being a social magnate.

I am Intelligent and Witty. Blind Spots and the Johari Window

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

I’ve been working on a coaching certification for the last 5 months and the class work last week involved the Johari Window.  The Johari Window is an instrument developed by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham and it helps you understand the way you view yourself and how others view you (or don’t).  It has 56 adjectives and if you’d like to try, take this link.  So our assignment last week was to coach a class mate through the Johari Window and my class mate, Stephen Starkey, coached me. blind spot 3

Blind spots on the Johari Window are those adjectives that others selected to describe you but that you did not select.  Of the friends and family that participated, the majority chose intelligent and witty to describe me.  I was taken a back by this and my coach, Steve, helped me uncover why.  Although I think I’m smart and that I can be witty, I don’t really own it.  It’s OK for me to describe someone else with those adjectives but it seems egotistical to own them myself.  Wow.  Was that a breakthrough!  I’m thinking it’s OK for me to describe others as intelligent but I can’t embrace it myself.  How is that holding me back?

This brings up a recent book I read by Sheryl Sandberg called “Lean In”.  She describes how women hold themselves back and offers advice on how to “lean in”. I can remember being in the top of my class in elementary school and then, suddenly, flicking the switch.  Smart girls (intelligent girls) weren’t valued.  At least from my skewed eleven year old female perspective.  Time to lean into and recognize my attributes.

If you think your blind spots are holding you back, let’s look at some ways to embrace them:

1. Own.  The first thing I did was set up an action item to own the words.  My action item was to incorporate the words into my daily meditation.  You might need to incorporate them into your daily prayers, affirmations or gratitude at the end of the day.  You can’t live the words unless you own them.  Obviously, others already know you own them so it’s time for you  to pick them up and carry them around.

2. Utilize.  So start using them.  If one of your adjectives in your blind spot is “happy”, then go out and “be happy”.  Live it so that you feel it.  Smile to yourself in the mirror.  Don’t forget, it’s you that you need to prove this to.  Most others already know that you are “happy”. Utilize the adjective so that it comes alive in you.

3. Free.  Set it free.  I have to say I found this to be quite empowering since acknowledging these two blind spots.  Suddenly it’s not as hard to write or develop a solution to a problem.  I’m saying to myself, “Cathy, you’re intelligent and witty, writing a blog post shouldn’t be that hard…pssssht.”  Like I said, it’s like a road block as been removed.  Now I am free.

4. Get over it.  I have to say I was terrified to write this post.  I initially felt like an egomaniac to actually put those two words out there.  I can’t embrace it unless I “get over it”.  Everyone out there has attributes and it’s obvious to everyone else that you are “happy, compassionate and adaptable”.  Get over it, they already see it. You’re not an ego maniac (yeah, it’s not one of the adjectives available).

5. Live.  Live your acknowledged adjectives.  Keep them alive and depend on them going forward.  Don’t forget to make them apart of your everyday life.  This is what you “are”, so live it.  Quit trying to hide your “happiness” or “silly” sense of humor.   There is a reason you were gifted these adjectives, so go live it.

I hope you check out the Johari window and see what blind spots you might be ignoring or hiding.  Can’t wait to see what you embrace.

Drink the Optimism Kool-Aid

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Having a positive outlook can change everything.  If you think you can succeed, finish the race, or complete the project, you will.  If there are a few hiccups along the way, well, that may be what the universe intended.

You probably think that I am being a Pollyanna (for those under 40 and don’t know who Pollyanna is click here) Which is exactly what I’m suggesting you do—be optimistic.  It makes a difference in how you face life; in how you recover from setbacks; in how you lead. In Srinivasan Pillay‘s book Your Brain and Business, he shows why leaders need to be drinking the optimism Kool-Aid.  Dr. Pillay writes, “When you have hope and optimism, you have an automatic way of replacing fear in the line of emotions asking for attention from the amygdala.” Basically, if you dwell on the fear and negativity of the situation, your amygdala goes nuts and shuts down rational and reasonable thoughts.  So if you don’t want to fire up your amygdala (your lizard brain), look on the bright side.  Don’t worry about the “how” and all the obstacles in your way, just have belief that you can succeed and you can lead everyone else (and their lizard brains) out of the fire. See what I mean?  It’s a game changer. optimistic

At my Rotary club every week we have a 50/50 raffle.  There is one guy who wins it on a regular basis.  He knows he’s lucky.  He’s optimistic.  He wins. There are times when he doesn’t win, but he wins a lot more often than anyone else.  Certainly more than anyone who thinks they are unlucky.  They aren’t even putting a dollar in.  They don’t think they have a chance.

OK.  So here is how you can drink the optimism Kool Aid:

1. Suspend. As in, suspend your negative thoughts.  Don’t go listing all the ways why this won’t work.  That is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You will be correct.  There is absolutely no possibility of succeeding if you think you can’t.  You do not pass “Go” and collect $200.  You will be stuck.

2. Pause.  When adversity comes along (and it will), take a breath and disconnect from your present situation.  Unplug and regroup.  Your reaction under pressure is only feeding your lizard brain.  Don’t let the amygdala go nuts and set off all the firecrackers.  Have a Zen moment and disconnect.  The last thing you need to feed when you are under pressure is your lizard brain.  Chill out.

3. Discerning.  Now is the time to pick the thoughts that go reeling through your head.  Something negative comes along like, “This will NEVER work,” or “Here we go again.” Or worst of all, “You dummy…you always fail at this stuff.”  Stay off the merry-go-round of negative thoughts and pick the right time to select your thought.  Is there something good that could possibly happen?  That is the thought you want.  Wait for it.  It’ll show up, especially if you’ve already done #2.

4. Explore.  There must be something good about the current situation.  The sun is out.  It’s finally raining.  It’s finally summer.  It’s finally winter.  There is a bright side to everything.  Just find the right context.  There is a roof over your head.  Your car started this morning.  You finished high school.  You woke up this morning and still have a pulse.  There is good out there—just go do some exploring.

5. Digest.  Dwell and ruminate on those positive thoughts and outcomes.  Make it real and believe in it.  The board will accept the idea.  Your car can be fixed for less than $100.  The next big client is going to call tomorrow.  The sun will come up tomorrow.  Digest the positive and dwell on it.

I’ve said this in other posts but I’m still working on this and many other positive habits. Practice makes perfect.  Start working on your optimist. It doesn’t come naturally to a lot of us and if it does come naturally to you, share the optimism Kool-Aid with others.

How do you stay optimistic?

Just say No.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’m not sure why, but I have been the trigger person for most of my career.  The gunslinger brought in to say, No.  Human Resource professionals are frequently referred to as The Fashion Police (that skirt is too short), The Personal Hygiene Moderator (deodorant is a necessity), Policy Patrol (insubordination IS grounds for termination) and, worst of all, the b-word.  So why can’t everyone else draw a line in the sand? I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked myself that.  They are in avoidance.

It’s so much easier to bring someone else in to say No.  You can stay at arm’s length, point the finger and, in essence, say, “This wasn’t my decision”.  Let someone else be the trigger person and stay clear of the wake.

Try taking a giant step forward and say No. Here are the reasons why you should:

1. Respect.  People pay attention to those who pull the trigger once in a while.  You earn the reputation for being someone who has a backbone and stands up for their principles.  People want you on their team when they know you can be counted on to make the tough decisions even if they are unpopular.

2. Honest.  We’ve all known people who are brown-noses.  How many corporate projects have you been party to that went in the wrong direction because no one in the crowd wanted to say No.  Earning the reputation for being candid takes a few No sayings. I’m not advocating just blurting out No but a well-polished, properly crafted No will increase your authenticity.

3. Less Bunkum.  I had to look up that one up in the thesaurus to keep this polite.  When you get the promotional phone calls for a vacation getaway; don’t hang up.  Say No and take my number off your list.  Disingenuous people stay away from No sayers.  They move on to fawn over someone else who doesn’t mind swimming in bunkum.

4. Relief.  Unresolved conflict can fester.  Be the one to step forward and make the decision.  Do you really want to be up at 3 AM worrying about how you tell the PTA that you want off the committee?  When you have given that well-crafted No; you’ll be sleeping like a baby.

5. Empowerment.  Saying No is gratifying.  You can look yourself in the mirror and know that you stood up for something; you stood up for your beliefs.  It might have been difficult (it almost always is uncomfortable…messy even) but once you get past the No, your self confidence will be rebooted.

6. Culture.  No one likes co-workers who get away with clocking in late, not pulling their weight, constantly stepping over the line that no one else would dare to cross.  That crowd; the group at large.  They are rooting for you.  They want you to pull the trigger.  Be the gunslinger for the 95% who are pulling their weight.  Raise the tide for the culture of your company.

It’s not easy.  But you need to do it.  Be the go-to gunslinger.  Everyone is waiting for you to be a No sayer.  Draw a line in the sand.

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Volun-told. Lessons from Rotary.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve been a member of Rotary for over 10 years.  It is a great organization that does wonderful work locally and around the world. Every year at the end of June there is a changing of the guard, we install a new president and a lot of the committee chairs change.  This invariably means a few positions are not filled via “volunteers” and someone ends up getting “volun-told” to be a committee chair or purchase a gift for the District Governor or buy tickets to a fund raiser. Invariably, it’s the person who failed to show up for that meeting who ends up being selected since, they are not there and can’t refuse.  Lesson learned. Show up for the weekly meetings.Rotary International

This isn’t isolated to service organizations.  This happens at home.  “Pick up some milk on the way home”.  At work, “Cathy will be in charge of selecting an office location in Charlotte”.  At school, “Each parent will be responsible to bring a snack once during the term”.  Congratulations, you’ve been volun-told.  So now what?

Here are some tips:

1. Show up.  Obviously, if you show up, you cannot be assigned something against your will or without some understanding as to why you were chosen.  You have the added bonus of being counted on.  We’ve all been a part of a team, service organization or committee where there were a few hardy souls who could always be counted on.  Show up so you have input.

2. Expectations.  Find out what the expectations are for the duty or position.  Sometimes we can blow it way out of proportion.  Like if we are doing a “garden project”, I might figure I’ll be on my knees for 8 hours digging with my hands in the sweltering sun without a water break.   You might just need to show up with a shovel and donuts and be done within 2 hours.  Make sure you investigate the expectations of the project and your part overall.

3. Avoid the creep.  Don’t let obligations start creeping in and taking over.  There was a point about two years ago when, suddenly, I was on 6 different boards, committees or non-profits.  Did I mention I’m a mother, a wife, a daughter and a full time professional?  6 obligations on a monthly, if not weekly, basis was too much.  Obligations had crept in and taken over.  I had to say “no” and pared down my obligations.  It wasn’t easy but I had to make a decision to stop the creep.

4. Niche.  Figure out your niche.  Where do you do your best work?  We have a member  who does a great job on fund raising.   He is well-connected and knows how to put the pieces in place to make it happen.  This makes for a great, painless fund raiser.  Capitalize on the area you are at your best.  If you love numbers, be treasurer.  Leading? Be president elect.  Baking? Be in charge of the bake sale.  Find the place where you can shine so that it aligns with your skills.  Find your niche.

5. Dig in.  Sometimes you just need to dig in.  Git ‘er done.  Hold your nose and take out the garbage.  Call the contacts on a fund raising list.  Send out the invoices.  Mail the check.  Dig in the garden.  Just do it.  No whining.  No resentment.  No procrastination.  Dig in and get it done.  Sometimes the work is the reward.

I’d like to express all my gratitude to all those folks, whether volun-told or volunteered, who show up for great organizations like Rotary, Kiwanis, Lions Clubs, Chamber of Commerce, Shriners and the thousands more out there.  Where would we be without volunteers to pitch in and serve others?  Thanks for showing up and pitching in.  If you want to pitch in, I’m sure there is a service organization in your area looking for your talents.  Volunteer instead of being volun-told.

Resentment. Letting go the poison from within.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Looking back I wonder why I have devoted so much time and contemplation to resentment.  I’ve never really worried about “letting it go”.  I hold onto it for years, decades, dragging it around like a childhood stuffed bear.  I can’t imagine how much energy I would have if I could be refunded all the time I spend on resentment.  Carrie Fisher said it best “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s time to lay off the poison.Turning-resentment-into-gratitude-300x300

I think of resentment like an open mental loop.  Like when you’re at lunch with a friend and can’t remember the name of Gary Burghoff’s character in M.A.S.H.  It circles in your brain until you finally close the loop when you sit up in bed at 4 AM and say “Radar!” or more likely when you Google it.  Resentment just keeps stirring around and around.  It saps your ego, your courage and can never seem to be requited. I’m here to tell you, it can be.  Want to quit drinking the poison?

Here is the fix:

1. Recreate.  Take what you to believe to be reality and recreate it.  When you got dumped by that guy fifteen years ago, he really adored you but couldn’t handle your brilliance.  That job you got fired from?  They knew your business acumen was way beyond their capacity so they set you free.  It doesn’t really matter how you recreate it so long as you put it in a positive light.  Focus on the upside.  Recreate your past so that you can let go of it and move forward.

2. Moment.  I listen to Dr. Wayne Dwyer each morning when I meditate.  One of the affirmations he says every morning is “I know that in each moment I am  free to decide”.  So if you want to dwell on the past and every grudge you ever had, it’s your choice.  I’d recommend looking at what has gone right.  Stay out of the limbic brain and focus on the beauty around you.  Take each moment as it comes and breathe it in.  Skip the past, let go of the future. Be in the moment.

3. Hand off.  Transfer the responsibility to a higher power.  As Olivia Fox Cabane writes in her book “The Charisma Myth”, “try a responsibility transfer to alleviate anxiety. Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity – the Universe, God, Fate – and entrust it with all the worries in your mind.” Release what is dragging you down and let the almighty power carry the burden.  It will definitely lighten your load.  Hand off your grudges and move on.

4. Spill.  Get out a piece of paper and spill your guts.  This is another recommendation from “The Charisma Myth”.  Get out a pen and paper (don’t cheat and use the computer, it’s not as effective).  Write out all the wrongs, affronts, deceits and slights your nemesis has done to you.  Use several pages if need be.  Write it all down.  Every nasty detail. Purge it out of your system.  Don’t worry about spelling or grammar.  Just get it all out.  I actually did this recently and boy did it feel good to get that poison out of my system.  Spill your guts.

5. Accept.  This is part two of “Spill”, Accept An Apology.  Get out a second piece of paper.  Now write an apology from the nemesis you just spilled your guts about.  Do not cast any blame on yourself in this apology.  This is all about your nemesis (ex, boss, coworker, neighbor, etc.) taking responsibility.  Address every wrong in the letter.  Make sure there are no loose ends.  I found this to really set me free.  I felt lighter.  Content even.  Cabane suggests that if you don’t get satisfaction after writing the apology.  Read the apology every day until you do.  Accept the apology and move forward.

I have to say this has worked for me.  I really do spend less energy on the past, the grudge, the resentment.  There might be one or two old ties that creep into my brain once in a while but letting go has propelled me forward.  Quit drinking the poison and let go.

What are you resenting?

Unresolved Conflict: The Elephant in the Room

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

As a restaurant owner and Human Resource professional over the past 20 plus years, I’ve seen plenty of unresolved workplace conflict.  It’s like the kitchen garbage can with rotting shrimp shells in the bottom; everyone smells it but no one wants to deal with it.  So we let it fester and things fester.

Blood pressure rises, people start avoiding each other, less eye contact; our mind goes wild with what we figure the other person is thinking.  We think we know their true motivation as the paranoia mounts.

There were countless times I was brought in to end the avoidance….to get to the bottom of the smelly mess.  So how do you handle the conflict?  Here are some tried and true maneuvers:

1. Timing is everything.  Don’t talk to someone when they just get back from vacation and are buried in email and return phone calls.  Give them a day or two to dig out and take a temperature check.  Read their body language.  A little tension in the shoulders? Using short curt sentences? Relax and wait.  Sense of humor is back?  Just got a great sales report?  This might be your opening.

2. Privacy.  This  cannot be emphasized enough.  Don’t bring up the smelly issue in front of or within ear shot of any other human being.  Never.  Ever.   Their listening skills will be out to lunch and their blood pressure will shoot up.  No one likes to be embarrassed and if there is even the slightest chance that UPS delivery guy might walk by; relax and wait.

3. Facts.  Research your smelly issue thoroughly.  No hunches.  No assumptions.  No jumping to conclusions.  Do your best reconnaissance, you watch CSI, investigate.  This is especially true in the “he said, she said, they said and we said” type of smelly issue.  Find any and all witnesses and alleged witnesses (I can’t tell you how many times in a harassment investigation that the “alleged witness” wasn’t even at work that day).  Don’t go at fact finding to just make sure you are“right”.

4. Suspend Assumptions. This goes closely with #3 but it’s imperative that you don’t decide the other person’s motivation; their ulterior motives.  You’ll have them being one step below Bernie Madoff if you’re not careful.  Empty your head of all your negative stereo types, like “Joe is always out for himself” or “Suzy is out to get me”.  Really?  You know all that?  As Byron Katie says at her website “the work”, “Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” Turn off mister ego and shut down your assumption machine.

5. Craft.  Think it through.  How are you going to broach the subject?  Maybe test the waters with another agenda item that isn’t confrontational like “I want to thank you for your help on the turnover report.  It really saved me some time and I got a chance to work on a more pressing project”.  A sincere, specific compliment is a nice lead in.  I can hear you nay-sayers out there…but I can’t think of anything nice to say.  Revisit #4.  Phrase the issue in terms of the other person’s viewpoint.  What is a reasonable explanation for their egregious act?  Give them an out like, “I’m sure you didn’t realize that when I was excluded from the finance team, I felt like you didn’t trust me”, or “I don’t think you are aware but when you told Suzy about the layoff plan, she assumed her job was in jeopardy”.  Think it through and craft the one or two sentences (no more) to summarize and present the smelly issue at hand (stay away from Never, Always and Should).

6. Love.  What are you crazy?  Love my co-worker, boss, workplace nemesis?  I don’t know why it works but if you decide you love someone, even your worst enemy ,the whole thing just works better.  Maybe it’s ch’i, but mentally embracing the other person (do not do this literally…for obvious reasons) helps you to be open to the possibilities; love your enemy.  Bob may never include you on the email with the financial reports but if you love him, it dampens down the resentment and blasts open the possibility of resolution. This also helps with #4.

7. Do it.  When you have completed the preceding steps; just do it.  Have the conversation.  Stay open minded and believe in a positive outcome.  Sometimes, OK a lot of times, it’s a complete surprise to the other person.  But it’s amazing how often people tip toe around an issue, especially a smelly one, and the offending person, had no idea that they angered you or that several people were avoiding them.  Most of the time people don’t realize how they are perceived and want to do their best.  Nine times out of ten, they apologize.  Give them the chance.

This might be messy the first, second or third time around.  But this is going to build trust in the long run.  You will be the Go-To person for conflict resolution and honest constructive feedback.  Slay the elephant.

Let me know what you think.  What workplace conflict are you dealing with?