Tag: playing big

🙋🏼Student versus Employee

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I recently read Tara Mohr’s Playing Big.  Perhaps one of the biggest takeaways from the book, for me, was that most women excel at school but can get derailed easily when bringing “the good student” mentality when it comes to work. I look for clear parameters for what an A+ is and always work towards that goal. I rarely bother to let my boss know what I’ve accomplished, because, well, it will be obvious in the “grades”.  Unfortunately, there are no mileposts like grades in the work world and success can seem nebulous. There is no clear line between the A+ (i.e. perfect) and an A, as an employee. In fact, at school we know the expectations every day versus work where it’s a wide-open landscape and an annual assessment of meets or exceeds. 

Here is the difference between student and employee:

Adapting versus Challenging Authority.  As a student, I have to adapt to the authority figure, my teacher.  The locus of control is the teacher.  They let you know how to turn in papers, what an A+ looks like in terms of grades and weighting.  In college it was dictated but Strunk and White and the MLA Style Handbook.  God forbid your font be too large, not Times New Roman or your line spacing be wrong. As a student I adapt to the parameters of each authority figure. As an employee, I need to be able to challenge and influence the authority figures.  Is the status quo going to be enough to move this project forward?  There are many authority figures throughout the organization and they all have different views and perspectives.  There is also the end user and their perspective.  How do we influence and challenge them? In a business, everyone is an authority whether it be customer, boss, co-worker or direct report. If I focus on my student mentality in the workplace, I end up trying to adapt to the boss and wonder why I don’t rise any farther in the organization.

Preparation versus Improvisation. In school, I had a syllabus, a text book, a road map to follow to be prepared for each exam, paper and project.  Preparation was key for success. The map was clearly marked and rarely, if ever, was there a need for improvisation. In the work world, it is nothing but improvisation.  Customer service is improvisation, problem solving, a dance of influence, appeasement and adjustment. Sure, there are procedures, guidelines and rules at work but the majority of the day is gliding through distraction, focus and competing demands. I remember when I initially learned how to facilitate a training.  I went into a training with a script and note cards fully prepared to give the content.  It was stiff and unforgiving.  I learned overtime that improvisation and adapting to the audience is much more important than preparation. I try to embrace improvisation instead of over preparing.

Outside In versus Inside Out. As written by Mohr, “The dominant activity in school is absorbing information from the outside – whether from a book, a teacher’s lecture, or the Internet – and then internalizing it.  The message is that the value we have to contribute on a topic comes from the information absorbed from an external source.”  This is Outside In thinking; depending on getting the information from outside our own mind.  But what we need is the opposite, which is “accessing what we already know, trusting its value and bringing it forth.” It’s not what information we know as much as our strengths like our charisma, emotional intelligence, problem solving and leadership that can be more critical to achieving success. This is the inside out thinking or relying on our strengths to be able to think on our feet or synthesize information from disparate sources and relying on our strengths to propel ourselves forward. 

Heads Down Work versus Being Visible. This is similar to habit 1 and habit 2 from the book by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith called How Women Rise.  Habit 1 is Reluctance to claim your achievements and Habit 2 is Expecting others to spontaneously notice and reward your contributions. I believe that women like myself learned this in school.  I’ll get a grade at the end of the marking period that will show my work… my worth.  I don’t need to tell the teacher because it’s there in the grade book.  I don’t need to say I’m an A+, or B- student, or be self-promoting, because it’s there for me and the teacher to see.  I can keep my head down and work with no need to claim my accomplishments.  Once I got into the work world, there was no grade book, no marking period, no end of the semester. As Mohr posits, “Women often slowly realize their good work isn’t leading to promotions or raises because it isn’t sufficiently visible, on an ongoing basis, to those scouting talent within the organization or making decisions about career advancement.” I need to always look for ways to be visible which is uncomfortable but necessary in order to rise in my career.

It’s uncomfortable to leave the good student habits behind. There is control in having clear expectations and parameters to success.  The work world takes being agile, influential, self-reliant and the ability to shine a light on your good work. What student habits do you struggle with?

🤨How to Stop Undermining Your Speech

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When I recently read Playing Big by Tara Mohr, the biggest takeaway for me was her tip on empowering your speech, or rather, how to stop minimizing your voice. When I read all the ways that women in particular minimize their speech, it was a gut check for me.  There were several, in other words, words and phrases that I was using on a consistent basis. It’s a subtle habit that developed over time that I wasn’t even aware of. Mohr shone a spotlight on it.

How to stop undermining your speech:

Hedging.  I have to say that some of these hedges became apparent to me in my last few years as a Human Resource professional.  When you lead an organization from a people perspective, you send out a lot of emails.  It started to bother me when I would write, “Just a reminder to get your annual reviews in” or “This is actually overdue” or “This is kind of late.” I didn’t realize at the time but according to Mohr, this is hedging. I think of it as holding something at arm’s length so that no one gets mad at me.  It’s an effort to distance myself from a request so that I can walk into the cafeteria later without feeling like everyone is running to hide or staring daggers at me. It feels like softening so I don’t ruffle feathers. Mohr posits that just, actually, kind of and almost are all hedges. I have to say that it is far easier to review my word choice in an email than in a conversation.  Stay away from hedging.

Apologizing. This is when I try and excuse myself from existence. It’s like “don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the corner and not bother anybody.”  Mohr writes that “sorry, but”, “a little bit” and “just a minute” are all ways of apologizing. These are all ways of devaluing your voice. I am a recovering over apologizer and the antidote to “Sorry I’m late” is “Thanks for your patience.” The antidote to “I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself” is “I’d like to tell you about myself.” The antidote to “I need just a minute to review the reports” is “I need to review the reports.” When I take these apologizing words out of my lexicon, I’m able to take up more space and own my voice. Stop apologizing.

Qualifying phrases. When I was the only woman on an executive team, I used qualifying phrases constantly.  Things like “I could be wrong, but…” or “Maybe it’s just me, but…” or “This might sound crazy, but…” Prefacing my well thought-out, well-founded idea with these phrases was teeing me up to be shut down. I realize I did it for my own self-esteem.  I didn’t want it to be “found out” that I was in over my head so why not minimize my opinion? If it got shot down then it was just one of Cathy’s silly ideas…shots in the dark. No harm, no foul. Using qualifying phrases made me feel safe because if anyone criticized me, I had already minimized the idea anyway.  Of course, half the time a man at the table would say my idea without the qualifying and suddenly it was brilliant. The most habitual phrase I say as a coach is, “Does that make sense?” This makes me sound like I’m incoherent or that the idea is too outlandish or that the coachee isn’t smart enough to follow my thinking.  I’ve started asking “What are your thoughts” instead. Watch your qualifying phrases.

Undermining Structures.  These structures fall into three categories, Uptalking, Clause after clause (without periods in speech) or Substituting a question for a statement.  Uptalking is when you raise your voice at the end of sentence almost making it a question instead of a statement.  As Mohr wrote, “Research on uptalk shows that listeners think the uptalker is not sure what she is saying is relevant or valuable to the discussion at hand.” So, I’m devaluing my voice by raising it up at the end of the sentence.  Clause after clause is when there is a long run-on sentence which is nothing but clauses like “We are working on this, it’s been difficult, which makes it hard to project, although we have the funding, but there are some uncertainties.” The answer to the word salad is to create sentences and take a breath between each one.  Mohr says,” Some theorists postulate that women also rush because they tend to be interrupted more often than men and develop the coping strategy of rushing so that way are less likely to be interrupted during pauses.” The last undermining structure is making a statement into a question. I’ve done the double whammy of saying a statement with uptalk so that it sounds like a question. “We should start on this in July (?)” So it sounds like a statement but because of the uptalk, now it’s a question. If I constantly asks questions instead of making statements, it sounds like I don’t have a clear point of view. I’m constantly seeking validation for my ideas. Take a look at the structure of your speech.

I remember when I read this section of the book. I was overwhelmed. I saw myself in each of the examples. It’s also tied to wanting to come across as humble, agreeable and pleasant.  Mohr suggests putting warmth into conversation and emails by engaging in pleasantries and connecting personally.  So, it’s fine to connect with “I hope you’re having a great day or have a great weekend,” just don’t stand back from your thoughts and opinions. I took on one item at a time. Currently, I’m working on not saying “Does that make sense.”  Which will you work on first?

😳6 Signs You are Hiding

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In Tara Mohr’s terrific book Playing Big, she lovingly calls out that most of us are using various ways to hide.  It’s a procrastination move to delay launch on whatever could propel one forward.    Waiting until one more set of eyes reviews my website, getting one more certification before applying for the “big” job I want or waiting to speak proper Portuguese before heading to Portugal. These are all tactics I use to delay, procrastinate and kick the can down the road just a little bit longer.  These are ways I play small instead of playing Big.

Here are 6 signs you are hiding:

This before That.  This is when I ordain that things must happen in a certain order.  Like I can’t write a blog until I set up a website.  I can’t set up a website until I have claimed a URL. I can’t claim a URL until I get a DBA.  I can’t get a DBA until I get a tax ID.  And on and on and on. Some things can happen concurrently.  Most things don’t need to be in a certain order.  Check your assumptions and shake things up.

Designing at the Whiteboard.  I think of this as designing in isolation.  Take 4 brilliant minds and give them a whiteboard to come up with some great ideas. There may indeed be some great ideas created on the whiteboard; the issue is when you don’t find out what other stakeholders or customers actually want.  Mohr says that’s safe and cozy with the whiteboard because we are not getting feedback from the market or devil’s advocates.  I think it also delays launching because you buy another whiteboard to expand your thinking instead of getting feedback and/or launching.  Don’t just stand in front of the whiteboard, engage.

Perfection. Reid Hoffman said, “If you are not embarrassed by the first version of your product, you launched it too late.” I think this is all about expecting and embracing errors and omissions. My first website, my first blog post, my first coaching client are all lessons in giving up perfection. I could always tinker and polish it a little bit longer but it’s diminishing returns. Perfection is exhaustingly unachievable. Let it go.  Seeking perfection is the “perfect” way to hide.

Not chiming in. This is all about when I listen to everyone else and never give my perspective. I think, as a leader, it’s important to weigh in after everyone else.  I just need to make sure that I weigh in as well.  As Mohr writes, “I’ve seen so many women make this move.  A woman becomes captivated by an idea.  She’s captivated because she’s noticed something missing from the conversation and has something to say.  Yet instead of sharing her own perspective, she creates a project to curate other people’s ideas about it. Give your perspective instead of hiding behind everyone else’s.

Omitting your own story. This is around the fear of being vulnerable.  I think back on telling my sobriety story.  I never shared it for fear that I would be “found out” or that it just wasn’t that interesting. That particular story (which took me 6 years to finally tell), has changed some people’s lives. As Mohr wrote, “Can we resist the fear-based tendency to make our work abstract or overly complex and instead trust that our lived experiences, insights, and natural ideas are enough to bring to the table?” It might be vulnerable.  It might be uncomfortable.  Tell your story anyway.

Believing you aren’t enough.  I was on this conveyor belt for years.  I had, at one time, an alphabet soup of letters after my name for all the various certifications and degrees I had attained. I coach women all day who want one more degree or certification or training before they take the leap.  Yes, it’s a great idea to learn and network.  As Mohr posits, “Talented women with a dream believe that they need another degree, training, or certification because they are not “enough” as they are.  They look to an external qualification to give them a sense of internal permission to lead and create.” You have permission.  You are enough.  Go lead and prosper!

Growth can be uncomfortable.  It’s OK to be uncomfortable. Get out from behind your hiding spot and feel the rain, or the beating sun or the gust of wind.  Do it scared.  Be seen.

4 Tips to Playing Big

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I recently finished Tara Mohr’s, Playing Big. It’s such an insightful book that I’m embarrassed that I hadn’t read it until recently since it was published in 2014.  How Women Rise, has been my bible for coaching women in business and, Playing Big, surpasses it in many ways. It gives you actual tools  to help women find their voice. There were countless times, as I read this, that I said, “That’s me!”.  There is something comforting knowing that you are not the only one out there saying such disempowering phrases like “Does that make sense?” Or “Sorry, but”. It’s that need to please and to play small that hurts our career trajectory.

Here are my 4 tips from Playing Big:

The Inner Critic. We’ve all got one. Mine is in a constant state of fear waiting to be ostracized. The Inner Critic is bias towards negativity.  We mistakenly believe that we’re just having realistic thinking when in reality it’s catastrophic thinking.  I remember walking into a facilitation recently and the tables were not set up as I had expected. My Inner Critic immediately went to “this will never work” and “how could you have let this happen, Cathy?” None of this thinking is helpful in any way.  It takes me out of my Prefrontal Cortex (where we do our best thinking) and into my Amygdala (the fight or flight response). Listening to my Inner Critic takes me to a place where I can’t see possibility and it leads me to play Small. If you want to play Big, shut down your Inner Critic.

The Inner Mentor. So, if I shut down my Inner Critic, who am I going to listen to?  My Inner Mentor I found this to be very powerful. You can access the Inner Mentor Visualization by going to her website and finding Book Supplementary Materials.   In the visualization you are transported to 20 years from now and you meet up with yourself 20 years in the future.  You see the environment you are living in, how you hold yourself and in the end, you give yourself a gift. Connecting to your Inner Mentor is energizing because you can see that you survived whatever fear you think is holding you back.  I found my Inner Mentor to be very relaxed and comfortable. She was very at peace, centered and confident with endless wisdom. This is the person I need to seek advice from rather than the Inner Critic who seems to be running round looking for fire extinguishers and a 40-foot ladder (when there isn’t a fire).  Listening to my Inner Mentor brings me peace and she challenges me to take the leap. 

Know which fear you are experiencing. Tara taps into the two words for fear in Hebrew.  Pachad is imagined fear and yirah is the fear that overcomes us when we are taking over a bigger space. Pachad is an overreaction or irrational fear that stems from worries about what could happen. Like when my child is driving on New Years Eve, my pachad brain says she will get hit by a drunk driver.  The worst-case scenario type of thinking.  Yirah is the fear when I step onto a stage to speak or when I meet with a new potential client.  It’s that feeling of am I good enough to be here.  What if I get found out?  Who do you think you are Cathy?  In the case of Pachad, we want to dampen it down.  In the case of yirah, we want to embrace it.  To embody it. Yirah is helping us play Big.  Know which fear is showing up and choose wisely. 

Diminishing words.  This is similar to habit 9 in How Women Rise or minimizing.  It may sound like “You might think this is a crazy idea” where you set up your idea as something that’s not up to snuff.  I know I do it, so if my idea isn’t liked, I don’t feel as rejected.  Tara puts language to the 10 words or phrases that diminish ourselves.  They are: “Just, Actually, Kind of/Almost, Sorry, but…, A little bit, Disclaimers, “Does that make sense?”, raising pitch at the end of a statement, rushing, and turning a statement into a question.” UGH.  I am guilty of all of these speech habits. What I appreciate is that now I know what words to look for. As Tara admonishes, don’t try to fix all of them at once.  This is a perfectionist trap.  I’ve learned to focus on one of these habits and once I have conquered it, I’ll pick another. To play Big, be aware of using diminishing words. 

This book is a wealth of knowledge and even as I write this and referred back to the book, it has created greater awareness of how I show up.  Author and speaker, Amy Cuddy comes to mind as well where she says to take up space, express your ideas and show your strength.  All of this is an inside game between the ears.  How do you plan to play Big?