When I recently read Playing Big by Tara Mohr, the biggest takeaway for me was her tip on empowering your speech, or rather, how to stop minimizing your voice. When I read all the ways that women in particular minimize their speech, it was a gut check for me.  There were several, in other words, words and phrases that I was using on a consistent basis. It’s a subtle habit that developed over time that I wasn’t even aware of. Mohr shone a spotlight on it.

How to stop undermining your speech:

Hedging.  I have to say that some of these hedges became apparent to me in my last few years as a Human Resource professional.  When you lead an organization from a people perspective, you send out a lot of emails.  It started to bother me when I would write, “Just a reminder to get your annual reviews in” or “This is actually overdue” or “This is kind of late.” I didn’t realize at the time but according to Mohr, this is hedging. I think of it as holding something at arm’s length so that no one gets mad at me.  It’s an effort to distance myself from a request so that I can walk into the cafeteria later without feeling like everyone is running to hide or staring daggers at me. It feels like softening so I don’t ruffle feathers. Mohr posits that just, actually, kind of and almost are all hedges. I have to say that it is far easier to review my word choice in an email than in a conversation.  Stay away from hedging.

Apologizing. This is when I try and excuse myself from existence. It’s like “don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the corner and not bother anybody.”  Mohr writes that “sorry, but”, “a little bit” and “just a minute” are all ways of apologizing. These are all ways of devaluing your voice. I am a recovering over apologizer and the antidote to “Sorry I’m late” is “Thanks for your patience.” The antidote to “I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself” is “I’d like to tell you about myself.” The antidote to “I need just a minute to review the reports” is “I need to review the reports.” When I take these apologizing words out of my lexicon, I’m able to take up more space and own my voice. Stop apologizing.

Qualifying phrases. When I was the only woman on an executive team, I used qualifying phrases constantly.  Things like “I could be wrong, but…” or “Maybe it’s just me, but…” or “This might sound crazy, but…” Prefacing my well thought-out, well-founded idea with these phrases was teeing me up to be shut down. I realize I did it for my own self-esteem.  I didn’t want it to be “found out” that I was in over my head so why not minimize my opinion? If it got shot down then it was just one of Cathy’s silly ideas…shots in the dark. No harm, no foul. Using qualifying phrases made me feel safe because if anyone criticized me, I had already minimized the idea anyway.  Of course, half the time a man at the table would say my idea without the qualifying and suddenly it was brilliant. The most habitual phrase I say as a coach is, “Does that make sense?” This makes me sound like I’m incoherent or that the idea is too outlandish or that the coachee isn’t smart enough to follow my thinking.  I’ve started asking “What are your thoughts” instead. Watch your qualifying phrases.

Undermining Structures.  These structures fall into three categories, Uptalking, Clause after clause (without periods in speech) or Substituting a question for a statement.  Uptalking is when you raise your voice at the end of sentence almost making it a question instead of a statement.  As Mohr wrote, “Research on uptalk shows that listeners think the uptalker is not sure what she is saying is relevant or valuable to the discussion at hand.” So, I’m devaluing my voice by raising it up at the end of the sentence.  Clause after clause is when there is a long run-on sentence which is nothing but clauses like “We are working on this, it’s been difficult, which makes it hard to project, although we have the funding, but there are some uncertainties.” The answer to the word salad is to create sentences and take a breath between each one.  Mohr says,” Some theorists postulate that women also rush because they tend to be interrupted more often than men and develop the coping strategy of rushing so that way are less likely to be interrupted during pauses.” The last undermining structure is making a statement into a question. I’ve done the double whammy of saying a statement with uptalk so that it sounds like a question. “We should start on this in July (?)” So it sounds like a statement but because of the uptalk, now it’s a question. If I constantly asks questions instead of making statements, it sounds like I don’t have a clear point of view. I’m constantly seeking validation for my ideas. Take a look at the structure of your speech.

I remember when I read this section of the book. I was overwhelmed. I saw myself in each of the examples. It’s also tied to wanting to come across as humble, agreeable and pleasant.  Mohr suggests putting warmth into conversation and emails by engaging in pleasantries and connecting personally.  So, it’s fine to connect with “I hope you’re having a great day or have a great weekend,” just don’t stand back from your thoughts and opinions. I took on one item at a time. Currently, I’m working on not saying “Does that make sense.”  Which will you work on first?