Triskaidephobia

On July 17, 2012July 15, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

This is my 13th blog post and I have the fear of the number 13; hence the title. Ironically, it’s my daughter’s favorite number. There is a hyper-delicate balance between rational and irrational fear. This is easily explained by example: there is the well-founded fear of standing-in-the-middle-of-a-field-with-an-umbrella-in-a-thunderstorm fear. On the flip side there is the fear that the cockroach skittering on the floor will somehow approach and harm you. I suffer from both. I am the biggest wuss in my house. Ask my kids. They will be happy to back this up.

In Galvin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear, the case is made that some fear is innate. Fear can save your life as he shows in an example in the book. The simple act of an attacker closing a window as he leaves his victim behind in the room and, intuitively, the victim realizes that if she doesn’t get out of there, she will be a murder victim. She does and lives to tell about it.

There is the completely neurotic fear that my dog, Baci, suffers from. She won’t step on a different surface. New hardwood, tile, slate or plywood. She will not step over it, onto it or around it. She is paralyzed. It seems so irrational but there must be something to this paralysis. Did she step onto some surface in her puppydom that caused this irrational fear?

So now what? How do you conquer fear?

1. Check First. Is this rational? What are you basing this on? Is the cockroach really going to attack you? When did you last read the headline – “Mother Killed By Palmetto Bug.” Think about this in relation to YOU – Would applying for that new position mean you would lose your current job? Nah. Face it, most decisions you make are not catastrophic. But investigating what your fear is based on is important; especially when it comes to your future in the workplace.

2. Research. I find that researching all available scenarios helps. If you are looking for a new job, maybe this means looking down avenues you would typically not consider. Maybe you would be willing to move or adding an extra 30 minutes to your commute. Maybe look at a different industry. Baci is constantly testing the waters; especially if there is a desirable tennis ball in the middle of the piece of plywood. Doing the research makes it easier for her to take the next step.

3. Test. Take a step. Go grab your slipper from the other room. At least you’ll be prepared to smack that cockroach. Call a friend you know in the industry you might want to move to and ask what opportunities are available. Baci starts by putting out a paw and then retreating. She’s testing her hypothesis. You are going to have to test the waters. Start writing the blog even if you don’t finish it in the first pass.

4. Scared. Sometimes you just have to do it scared. Actually, you frequently have to do it scared. My husband and I were watching the gymnastic trails last week. There was Danell Leyva on the high bar, flying high above the bar in some kind of back flip. I turned to Kevin and said, “So how do you try that the first time?” We laughed. But you have to. I can promise you Levya, was at least a little bit scared the first time he let go of that bar to launch himself 25 feet above the ground. You really don’t want to fail at that the first time out – watch it here. Do it scared.

5. Pathways. You are going to need to lay some new neural pathways. Charles Duhigg compares them to ruts in the mud. It’s really difficult to change ruts. The only way is to start working on it. This is extremely hard for me. Take a breath, regroup and lay down a new rut.

My dog Baci is amazing at this. First, she is paralyzed by the new hardwood floor in the dining room. She won’t set a paw on the floor. But her favorite window for squirrel hunting is only three feet away…across the new surface. She runs around to all the entrances to check that the new surface is everywhere. She looks at my husband to be assured that the new surface is safe. Sniffs. Tests it with her paw. Retreats. It may take an hour or three days, but eventually she is trotting up to her favorite spot staring out the window, standing proudly on the new hardwood floor. She’s laying new neural pathways.

How about you?

S.P.E.L.L. it out.

On June 26, 2012June 23, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator4 Comments

Clarifying expectations is so critical in all aspects of life; like when you have a new employee, when your child cleans their room and, even when we start on a new project. If you don’t spell out the expectations, it will, at the very least be frustrating and at its worst, an epic fail. I see this step being skipped constantly. Why bother? Shouldn’t your child know what the expectations for a clean room are? Didn’t we hire that employee because they were the most qualified for the job? Haven’t you accomplished other projects? You will be doomed for disappointment without clarifying expectations.

I can imagine that if we did a poll of one hundred parents about their expectations for room cleanliness that we would find at least 80 different sets of expectations (this assumes that some of those poled are married and have already had a few grumbles about room cleanliness and, therefore, have the same expectations). The point is, you cannot assume that we would all agree about what a clean bedroom is. And we certainly cannot assume that your child has the same standards.

Your child gets grounded because they didn’t realize that stuffing all the toys under the bed does not mean “clean”. You’re disappointed in the home improvement project because you didn’t realize that fixtures you really wanted were five times more expensive.

So how do you avoid the tendency to think that everyone knows your expectations through osmosis and get down to the nitty gritty before you send that new employee off into battlefield of ambiguous work standards? Here are a few steps.

1. Reflect. What do you want? What does the perfect outcome look like? You need to be clear with yourself and/or the team before you set your new employee a drift. Why did we have to hire someone new? Did the last customer service rep go down in flames because he didn’t know that the schedule was completely inflexible? As they say, history tends to repeat, so reflect on what went wrong (or right) the last time.

2. Anticipate. When I send my husband to the grocery store for milk, you might think that is a very basic, simple item for him to purchase. Well, it isn’t. I need to anticipate who will be opening that refrigerator door for the next seven days. If it’s my daughter, it better be soy milk. If it’s my son, it better be organic skim milk. If my husband is the intended user, it better be 2% lactose free milk. Simple item. Complex expectations.

3. List. It’s a good idea to have a list; whether it be a written checklist, employee manual or just a short mental checklist. “Benson”, that’s my son, “a clean room means clean clothes hung up or folded and put away, the bed being made and no items on the floor”. In my days as a Sizzler restaurant owner, we had a pre-meal checklist for each meal period. It was important that even the temperature ranges for the food was spelled out. Soup < 145 degrees.

4. Engage. Have a conversation. It might even be a lecture. But explain your list. As in, the soup needs to be over 145 degrees because we don’t want anyone getting sick. The bed needs to be made because we are having visitors this weekend. We need personal phone calls kept to a minimum because we have a limited amount of incoming phone lines. Explain the rationale. It makes for more buy in.

5. Clarify. There may be a deadline. There might be a budget. There may be other resources. If the grandparents are arriving at 6 PM, this might be important information when my husband heads out for milk at 5 PM. The new employee might want to know who else on the team has done this job so they have them as a crutch. S.P.E.L.L. it all out.

6. Rinse and Repeat. Unfortunately, this is not a one shot deal. It can be time consuming and tedious. It was obvious which Sizzler restaurant was not using its pre-meal checklist. And it usually translated into lower sales. The customers had expectations.

Take the time and energy to S.P.E.L.L. out your expectations. It will save you frustration, time and energy. It will also keep your relationships on a higher plane. Those around you will appreciate knowing what to expect.

What would you do?

Unresolved Conflict: The Elephant in the Room

On May 22, 2012May 21, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator6 Comments

As a restaurant owner and Human Resource professional over the past 20 plus years, I’ve seen plenty of unresolved workplace conflict. It’s like the kitchen garbage can with rotting shrimp shells in the bottom; everyone smells it but no one wants to deal with it. So we let it fester and things fester.

Blood pressure rises, people start avoiding each other, less eye contact; our mind goes wild with what we figure the other person is thinking. We think we know their true motivation as the paranoia mounts.

There were countless times I was brought in to end the avoidance….to get to the bottom of the smelly mess. So how do you handle the conflict? Here are some tried and true maneuvers:

1. Timing is everything. Don’t talk to someone when they just get back from vacation and are buried in email and return phone calls. Give them a day or two to dig out and take a temperature check. Read their body language. A little tension in the shoulders…using short curt sentences….relax and wait. Sense of humor is back? Just got a great sales report? This might be your opening.

2. Privacy. This cannot be emphasized enough. Don’t bring up the smelly issue in front of or within ear shot of any other human being. Never. Ever. Their listening skills will be out to lunch and their blood pressure will shoot up. No one likes to be embarrassed and if there is even the slightest chance that UPS delivery guy might walk by; relax and wait.

3. Facts. Research your smelly issue thoroughly. No hunches. No assumptions. No jumping to conclusions. Do your best reconnaissance…you watch CSI…investigate. This is especially true in the “he said, she said, they said and we said” type of smelly issue. Find any and all witnesses and alleged witnesses (can’t tell you how many times in a harassment investigation that the “alleged witness” wasn’t even at work that day). Don’t go at fact finding to just make sure you are“right”.

4. Suspend Assumptions. This goes closely with #3 but it’s imperative that you don’t decide the other person’s motivation; their ulterior motives. You’ll have them being one step below Bernie Madoff if you’re not careful. Empty your head of all your negative stereo types….like “Joe is always out for himself” or “Suzy is out to get me”….really? You know all that? As Byron Katie says at her website “the work”…”Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” Turn off mister ego and shut down your assumption machine.

5. Craft. Think it through. How are you going to broach the subject? Maybe test the waters with another agenda item that isn’t confrontational like “I want to thank you for your help on the turnover report. It really saved me some time and I got a chance to work on a more pressing project”. A sincere, specific compliment is a nice lead in. I can hear you nay-sayers out there…but I can’t think of anything nice to say. Revisit #4. Phrase the issue in terms of the other person’s viewpoint. What is a reasonable explanation for their egregious act? Give them an out like, “I’m sure you didn’t realize that when I was excluded from the finance team, I felt like you didn’t trust me”, or “I don’t think you are aware but when you told Suzy about the layoff plan, she assumed her job was in jeopardy”. Think it through and craft the one or two sentences (no more) to summarize and present the smelly issue at hand (stay away from Never, Always and Should).

6. Love. What are you crazy? Love my co-worker, boss, workplace nemesis? I don’t know why it works but if you decide you love someone, even your worst enemy ,the whole thing just works better. Maybe it’s ch’i, but mentally embracing the other person (do not do this literally…for obvious reasons) helps you to be open to the possibilities; love your enemy. Bob may never include you on the email with the financial reports but if you love him, it dampens down the resentment and blasts open the possibility of resolution. This also helps with #4.

7. Do it. When you have completed the preceding steps; just do it. Have the conversation. Stay open minded and believe in a positive outcome. Sometimes, OK a lot of times, it’s a complete surprise to the other person. But it’s amazing how often people tip toe around an issue, especially a smelly one, and the offending person, had no idea that they angered you or that several people were avoiding them. Most of the time people don’t realize how they are perceived and want to do their best. Nine times out of ten, they apologize. Give them the chance.

This might be messy the first, second or third time around. But this is going to build trust in the long run. You will be the Go-To person for conflict resolution and honest constructive feedback. Slay the elephant.

Let me know what you think. What workplace conflict are you dealing with?