6 Ways to Change Your Story. What Book Are YOU Writing?

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You are the author of your life – Chalmers Brothers

I recently heard Chalmers Brothers speak about his book Language and the Pursuit of Happiness. The way we observe ourselves dictates how we live as well as our perception of the world. Something else Chalmers said was that the “explanation is not equal to the event”. The USA loses to Belgium in the World Cup. That is the event. My explanation might be, “But they made it to the group of 16”. Your explanation might be that Tim Howard (the goalie with a record 16 saves) is the only worthwhile player on the team. A Belgian’s explanation might be that it was preordained. Same event, different explanations and obviously, different perceptions.

We can get so blinded by our perspective, that if we never question our beliefs, we start to confuse it with reality. Let that sink in for a minute; we confuse it with reality. I can remember when I was a restaurant owner some twenty years ago. The brothers that sold me the restaurant, wanted to sell me another. I did some number crunching and figured that at the pace the sales were dropping there was no way to make a profit. When I went back to the brother’s to explain this, they were dumbfounded. They had for some 20 years run a profitable restaurant chain; never in their wildest dreams did they ever predict that sales would go down instead of up. This idea was WAY out of their paradigm. Well, of course, after about a year, their last remaining restaurant eventually failed. The story they were writing was not equal to the event.

So how do you improve your explanation…or change the way you write your story? Here are some ideas:

1. Language. Think about the language you use. I recently had a client who said “Fat people can’t wear stripes” referring to himself. I said “I’m curious about fat, tell me more?” Him, “Hmmm. That was mean. I wouldn’t call anyone else fat.” Me, “How does it make you feel?” Him, “Horrible”. Think about your self-talk. What language are you using? If you wouldn’t call your assistant, boss or spouse – lazy, stupid, dumb or ugly, maybe it’s time to switch up the language you use.

2. Observer. Be the observer. An executive I coached last year had a huge breakthrough when he realized that he had to be the observer when it came to conflict. So if he was pushing back on a deadline at work or negotiating on a car, he was much more effective if he could mentally take a step back and observe. It helped him disconnect from his primal reaction of fight or flight. When he was the observer he was less tied to explanation of the event. He could listen, observe and detach. Stand outside of yourself and observe the landscape. You will soon have a totally different perspective that may serve you better.

3. Grand Illusion. Chalmers posits that we all think that everyone else sees events from the same perspective; as he calls it – “the Grand Illusion”. I have experienced this in many of the companies I’ve worked for. We roll out the new plan and expect immediate buy-in because the higher-ups think that the entire company sees their perspective i.e. the potential results; whether they be long-term or short. In their eyes the rationale and long term benefits from the new plan are self-evident. Quite often, they are not. Most employees see any change in the organization as a bad thing and frequently jump to the conclusion that their job is potentially at stake. Don’t assume everyone sees the event from the same perspective; it’s nothing but an illusion, the Grand Illusion.

4. Serving. Is your thought serving you to the end result you want? If you are interviewing for a new job and go in with the thought that you’ll never get this job….uh…well…you probably won’t. If you present the new initiative to your boss with the attitude that you will succeed; odds are you will. I’ve seen so many folks go into an exam and when asked, “Do you think you will pass?” They answer, “I’m not sure; probably not.” It’s the old adage, expect the worst and hope for the best. You don’t want to be overly confident because – What? You might actually succeed? It is easier to explain failure this way. “Yeah, I knew I would never pass”. Think about how your thoughts are not serving you and the results you want.

5. Listening. Chalmers says that listening is not hearing. I get caught up on this one frequently. I can ask my son a question like, “When are you going to Charleston?” and then forget about listening to the response. I can hear him just fine but I’m not registering the answer. Most likely my phone just went off with some kind of notification that 99% of the time is meaningless. I frequently listen to audio books and there may be some passage that sends my thoughts off in a different direction like…sleep is important…yeah I need to get more sleep…I’ll tell you who needs more sleep is my son…maybe I should get him to listen to this book…forget it, he won’t…he never listens to me…uh…what was that last passage? …was it something important….should I back it up…wait I’m driving that’s not a good idea…that causes accidents…I don’t want to be a statistic…sheesh…did they just say something about REM sleep….and so on. It can be difficult to pay attention with a ticker tape going off in your head. Stop the distractions. Turn off the phone, or the radio, or your computer monitor and be present. What’s more important here…when your son leaves for Charleston or a Facebook notification….I thought so. No one ever says hear up…it’s listen up.

6. Shift. Look for paradigm shifts. Look for opposing viewpoints. My father has always famously said he went to Korea a Democrat and came back a Republican. I’m not suggesting you enlist in the army or travel to Korea but you can seek out different sources. Different explanations. Test your beliefs. When you have an array of explanations available it’s much easier to not be as tied to the interpretation. If you disagree with the direction the Accounting department is going, go ask some questions that will prove you wrong. “Can you tell me again what the advantages are of the new XYZ system? And how much time is this going to cut from Month-End?” Look for the shift. Every good book has a shift. The hero finally decides to take on the dragon. So what shift do you need to make to challenge your beliefs?

So imagine the book you are authoring. Is it an adventure? Is it a drama? Or a comedy? The amazing thing is that you are holding the pen. You get to create whatever you want so choose wisely.

6 Ways to Build Culture. The Third Entity™.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

The Third Entity™ is concept developed by The Center for Right Relationship (CRR Global) to describe the relationship that connects us but essentially has an existence of its own. In an organization it’s called culture. If the founder leaves the organization, the culture (and Third Entity) change. This phenomenon isn’t isolated to corporations.

The same thing happens at home when my husband and I have had an empty nest for 6 months and suddenly have it disrupted by having an 18 year old at home. The Third Entity shifts. The relationship has more of a strain because there are more needs to be met (and more food to be purchased) and boundaries tested (dishes being washed at 3 AM). The Third Entity

I had the privilege to test out the Third Entity of my Rotary club a few weeks ago. I say, test out, because I had never used some of the tools that I learned from CRR Global until I used my Rotary Club as guinea pigs. I have to say it was an eye opening and inspiring experience. I’ve been a Rotary member for over 10 years but to actually work with this group to discuss our culture and aspirations was really gratifying. You just don’t know until you know.

So this is what I learned about the group culture that ties us together:

1. Alliance. It’s really important to clarify the team alliance. When was the last time you verbalized what your marriage or culture or relationship is all about. What is the basis for its existence. I asked the club what sort of culture they wanted to create and the first thing that anyone said was “Fun”. I have to say it’s one of the main reasons I enjoy getting up every Wednesday for a 7 AM (yes…7 AM) meeting; we always have fun. Always. There is always good natured ribbing, crazy birthday hats and a joke that’s just clean enough to tell but raises a few eyebrows. Clarify your team alliance.

2. Flourish. What will it take for your team or relationship to flourish? I was surprised that there were many viewpoints on this question. Some folks said we needed more members, others said more fundraisers, and still others said more participation. These are all very different tangents for a small club of some 30 members. When is the last time you asked your spouse or partner or organization at-large what it will take to flourish? I think you would be surprised at the answer. It might be time to ask.

3. Conflict. Find out how you want to handle conflict. As in Patrick Lencioni‘s book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, “All great relationships, the ones that last over time, require productive conflict in order to grow. This is true in marriage, parenthood, friendship, and certainly business.” If you can’t debate and raise some of the “Elephant in the Room” issues, it is impossible to progress. If you are surrounded by a lot of “Yes Men”…you are not likely to be making the best decisions. Create some ground rules on how to handle conflict and to make sure it’s not taboo.

4. Alignment. It’s not critical that we are in lock step as much as that we are headed in the same direction. You and I don’t need to be on the same exact path for us to succeed but we need to be in alignment. Marketing and Operations are going to take very different paths but if they know and are aligned with the overarching goal of “Outstanding Customer Experience” then we can succeed. Marketing might be creating authentic marketing collateral while Operations is making sure the quality and delivery times are superior. Different paths but aligned to the goal. Be aligned.

5. Listen. We need to be able to listen to dissenting voices. Some of the Rotarians wanted more members and others joined because we were a small group. These are dissenting views. But it had to be spoken. It needed to be acknowledged. This shows up all the time in parenting. Dad wants Johnny to go to the concert and Mom doesn’t. Let it be spoken so both sides can be heard. Listen to the dissenting view even if you don’t agree. Acknowledge the differing viewpoint. “So I hear you saying that Johnny shouldn’t go because there are likely to be drugs present”. Listen to dissenting views.

6. Decisive. Someone needs to make a decision; whether it’s the president of the Rotary club, the parent or the department head. Are we after more members or are we going to let it be? Dad acknowledges Mom’s apprehensions but they decide to say “Yes”. Decide and commit to move forward. If you don’t, there are back alley deals that will go on which will undermine the Third Entity. As Patrick Lencioni espouses, “Great teams understand the danger of seeking consensus, and find ways to achieve buy-in even when complete agreement is impossible.” Give up on consensus, make sure everyone has had their say, decide, commit and move on.

I think what surprised me the most about coming up with the team alliance with my Rotary Club is how much we were of the same mind. Here is a diverse group of professionals from varied fields, industries and backgrounds but we all had the same ideals. Service above Self. It’s the team culture that holds us together.

Let Them Fail. 4 Lessons From Baking With My Son.

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I have strived my entire adult life to try to not be a helicopter mom. I have never been on the PTA or chaperoned a dance. What I have done is to show up for every soccer game and have often driven 2 1/2 hours to see my son wrestle for all of 6 minutes. I’ve never done my kid’s homework or projects but I have gone to Target at 9 PM to buy Elmer’s glue or poster board for a school project due the next day. I always tried to be present but not takeover. The thought being “I’m here for you but I’m not doing the heavy lifting for you.”

I have never had a set of “water wings” on either of my kids when they were toddlers. I believed that having a pair of inflatable life preservers on each arm would give them a false sense of security. So, they learned early that they would sink if they couldn’t swim. Both could hold their breath underwater before the age of two. They have done their own laundry, dishes and cooked family meals before they were out of elementary school. So, I guess I’m not the doting Mom but they knew they could count on me to show up for a Marching Band competition.

So, I’m trying to understand what happened this weekend when my son was baking a cake called Baba au Rhum. It’s a pretty intricate cake that involves separating eggs, whipping and folding…careful and precise execution. He asked for advice when he was about a third of the way through. The “batter” looked more like gravel. The culinary master in me took over and suddenly, I was taking over the production. My son stopped, looked at me intently and said….”Stop. Let me fail”. Wow. I was thunderstruck . Profound words from an 18 year old. Step away from the mixing bowl and go back to the couch Mommy.Let them fail.

As much as this seems completely counter intuitive to parenting, here is the value of letting your kids fail:

1. Tea. They find out if it’s not their cup of tea. Here is just a short list of activities that my children have engaged in and will not be seeking to turn “pro” in anytime soon: soccer, football, volleyball, basketball, Alto Saxophone, Tenor Saxophone, waterpolo, lacrosse, ballet, tether ball, four square, Oboe, jazz band, marching band, musicals, symphony, samba, salsa, wrestling, long jump, triple jump, shot put, waterskiing, tubing, and Guitar Hero. Some of these activities were very enjoyable, some painful, but at least they got to try them on for size. Let your kids figure out what kind of tea they like.

2. Fast. In “The Confidence Code” by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, they suggest failing fast and often. What? Part of this is due to women, in particular, wanting to be perfectionists. So you end up investing WAY too much time in something and constantly trying to make it perfect. If you fail fast, you can let go of the perfectionism and learn how to cope instead of ruminating about it. They end up facing and conquering the fear of even starting. As a parent (or boss, or spouse), I need to let go of the perfectionism as well. If your son decides he’s not a basketball player cause he’s played it since 4th grade and he’s done with it; Let it go. On to the next experiment (which in his case was wrestling and he ended up going all the way to the state championship his Senior year of high school). Let your kids (or direct reports) fail fast.

3. Outcome. As a parent, I need to let go of the outcome. It’s like the Baba au Rhum my son was baking. If it’s not perfect…so what? Is it going to kill him? No. Will it ruin his chances of ever winning the Bocuse d’Or? Possibly. Maybe we end up wasting $10 in flour, eggs and butter. I have always learned more from dishes I have failed at as opposed to those which were a big success. An undercooked loaf of bread is nasty and rare tri tip cut on the wrong angle (not against the grain) is impossible to chew. Just because you might be underwriting the baking adventure doesn’t mean you can’t let him fail. As it turns out the cake received rave reviews from all who sampled. Let go of the outcome.

4. Wings. Letting your kids fail gives them wings. I remember when my daughter gave up swimming as a sport. I wanted so badly for her to swim because it had been MY sport in high school. If I had insisted that she continue to swim she may not have taken up the clarinet and she would have resented my meddling. More importantly, her heart would not have been in it. If she had never taken up the clarinet she never would have explored all the roads associated with music including stunning duets, theater and her love of film. Letting her make the decision is what’s important. As Shakespeare said “To Thine Own Self Be True”. How is she going to find her wings if I’m telling her what to wear and what to do? Let them fly.

My children are not perfect and there have been more than an occasional misstep along the way into adulthood. A dead car battery, a call from the principal’s office and more than one $5 atm charge to get twenty dollars cash. As long as they learn something from every bump or failure and, most importantly, I don’t clean up the mess for them, I think they (and any baked goods) will turn out just fine. Failure is the starting point for resilience…so let them fail.

Bon Appetit!

Got Horsepower? Found Mine With A Horse Named Lollipop.

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I had the great privilege to work with Renee Sievert and Michele Woodward at an Equus Coaching outing (a methodology created by Koelle Simpson) a few weeks back in the hills of Northern Virginia. Equus Coaching involves interacting one on one with a horse and, through that experience, have a better understanding of yourself and how you “show up” in the world. I thought I was going to be learning about horses but the horse held up a mirror to me.

My past experience with horses had been at camp when I was about 8 and a few trail rides. I always felt disconnected to horses. I felt like they were leading me and I had little to do in directing the path. I was just the terrified kid bobbing on top hoping we ended up at the end of the trail in one piece. I am happy to report that the Equus experience brought about a new appreciation for horses and a new self-awareness.

Rusty on the move.
Rusty on the move.

This is what I learned from my teachers, Lollipop and Rusty:

1. Attention. I love to be the center of attention. Lollipop came right over to me as I went into the round pen. He is a smaller, younger horse and he made a b-line for me. I had ten minutes to spend with him, and I think I would have been happy just petting him the entire time. I realize now, it’s one of the reasons I adore my dog, Baci, because she will follow me around the house and lay at my feet wherever I land. I feel a bit guilty, but I love the attention.

2. Intention. I need to be clear in my intention. Renee initially modeled how to lead a horse in the round pen. She stood alone in the pen with Coco (a horse she had never worked with) and through focus, attention and directed arm movements, Coco magically moved in a circle around the pen. No harness. No whistling. No strings. It was amazing (I had goosebumps). By just telegraphing her intention to the horse, she got her to move wherever and whenever she wanted. You have to know what you want to get done so if you want to be the world’s best purple squirrel catcher, set your intention and get started. Be clear in your intention.

3. Focus. I can’t lose my focus. I was amazed that I was able to move Lollipop in the same way around the pen that Renee had moved Coco. I focused in, moved my arms and he followed my intention and focus. Pretty soon he was galloping around the pen in a circle….magic….but….I lost focus. The very second I took my eye off of Lollipop, he came over to me like a moth to a flame. I lost my focus and Lollipop came back to me to find it again. This shows up everywhere in my life: unfinished books, deserted projects, languishing relationships. Stay focused.

4. Sync Up. When you are working in a group, sync up. This is going to sound crazy (cause I thought it was crazy) but I was on a team of three women that had to herd a handsome, albeit obstinate horse named Rusty without communicating using the most obvious of skills, spoken language. Using hand jesters, hope and a little bit of grit, we had to decide where we wanted Rusty to go and then go make it happen. In the end, Rusty didn’t do exactly as we expected but that was largely due to the fact that all three of us had slightly different agendas. Where does this show up for you? Did your assistant put in too much detail maybe because you didn’t communicate your expectations? If all three team members are on even the slightest different tangent, the horse does not know where to go. Sync up your team.

5. Power. I need to find my power. At one point, when we were trying to move Rusty, he stood there; and.would.not.budge. My teammate tried and then she motioned me over. I went over and got behind Rusty. I started slapping a rope against my leg. He.would.not.budge. Ugh. I was getting frustrated. I was going to move this horse. I summoned my power. My energy. I put it into my entire body and slapped the rope against my leg with full force, intention and focus. Magic. Rusty started to move. I stayed on him focusing all my intent and energy forward. He moved. I moved a 2,000 pound beast by finding my power. You cannot phone it in. If you want to move mountains, you need to find your power; FIRST.

It’s amazing how much Nature can teach us if we just pay attention to the lessons. Having a facilitator like Renee was really enlightening. She was constantly observing and saying things like “what’s your body saying to the horse?” or “where is your focus?” Think about how you show up in the world and how you are being observed. Pay attention. You can change more than you think you can.

Untether The Balloon. 5 Ways To Detach From The Outcome.

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I’ve just spent a few days on the West Coast and met up with a great college friend. We spent a lot of time talking about “Not being attached to the outcome.” She shared an example of a conference she attended where, a group of 30 had to divide into three learning groups. There was no guidance as to how the groups needed to be put together but that everyone in the group had to agree with the makeup of the group. That’s a tall order. She said they spent two days trying to divide up the groups. She was tracking certain folks she wanted to be with, but the turning point for her was letting go and not being attached to the outcome. She ended up in a group sans any of the folks she was tracking but it still proved to be a great group. Letting go of the outcome let her be open to other possibilities.

I was coaching a client this week who wasn’t sure they wanted to do an Ultra Marathon (over 26.2 miles). So I asked what the worst case scenario was and he said a, “To not finish.” I asked, “What is so bad about that?” He said ” Well, I guess I could try again, especially if it’s an injury”. Exactly. We don’t need to be so tied to the outcome….it is…what it is. Let the balloon go and let it float away.  Let. It. Go. red_balloon_by_snnr

So how do we let go, become untethered from the outcome? Here are some steps to try on for size:

1. Meditation. This seems appropriate since non-attachment has its roots in Buddhism. Spending even five or ten minutes on mediation each day helps you to let go of thought. It’s not like you stop thinking, but you learn to let go of thoughts as they come into your mind for ten minutes like little balloons lifting off. It helps you learn to let go of the story. Let the story balloons go as you meditate.

2. Open. Be open to all avenues. I have several ways to get to work. Some are longer, some have more red lights and some are prettier rides. Mess up your ride today. Go a different route. Quit being on auto pilot. I bet you don’t even remember the last drive you took to work. Let go of the assumptions of what is around the next corner, what will happen if your daughter drops out of college, or if you call back that client you aren’t sure about? What if you let go of the fear of quitting your job. Be open to possibilities.

3. Paradigm. Some paradigms are meant to be broken. A paradigm is a set of rules in your head. Many of these paradigms are built on the back of ghosts. If you struggled for money as a child, your paradigm might be about making a million dollars being THE only sign of success. If you only notice that thin people are successful, you might think you can only find success once you are thin. If you had a bad relationship with someone who is Korean, you might think that your child is doomed if they date a Korean. If you don’t want to be attached to the outcome, examine your paradigms…they are likely built on the ghosts of the past.

4. Acceptance. Last week I had the pleasure of hearing Brene Brown speak on her inspiring new book “Daring Greatly”. As Brene pointed out, it’s amazing how we all spend so much time judging each other. I can be devastated by a friend looking me up and down and assume they are judging my clothing selection. I can lose sleep over the fact that my neighbors must be mortified by our uncut lawn. I can make my child change what they are wearing to hope that they are judged by the pink polka dot socks and the purple suspenders. As Brene pointed out, everyone is busy being self-conscious and worried about their own thoughts. So how would you be without that thought? Let it go and accept.

5. Enough. You are enough. Let go of the struggle. You are perfectly you and no one else is exactly as perfectly you. Don’t wait for the next raise, or to hit the lottery, to lose twenty pounds or to marry the guy with the Ferrari. You are enough right now and forever. If you can be enough…right now in this moment…you can be enough even when you fail. Be enough (because you already are).

I have to say that I’ve been working on this for several years. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you stick with it and reflect on your progress, you will evolve into that floating balloon and let the wind take you where it will…and oh what a ride!

Living (And Cooking) by Feel. 4 Tactics to Learn From Failure.

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I’m a cook. I’m a great cook. It’s taken years of practice to be great cook. I began my cooking career by making Hamburger Helper at about the age of 12 or so. My Mother wanted a night off and relinquished her kitchen to my novice hands. I can remember running back and forth into the living room and asking “how do I know when the meat is brown” or “what is sauteing” or “what number do I put the burner on the stove to if it’s medium-high”. My Mother was exasperated. It reached the point of my Mother saying, “I’ll just do it myself” but I prevailed. Who knew that making a meal from Hamburger Helper could be so full of questions? I’m sure my Mother could have made it with her eyes closed but I had to begin the Inquisition to make sure I did it correctly. It’s amazing how when you are new at something, it all seems so unfamiliar and foreign; like rooting around in the dark trying to find the light switch. Logic doesn’t always prevail. 1003p108-cooking-mistakes-intro-l

Flash forward 8 years and now I’m at the Cornell Hotel School and working in an institutional kitchen. I can’t remember the name of the course but we (the students) prepared food for the Rathskeller restaurant located in the hotel school. I was in charge of making a carrot cake. I burned the edges of the cake. I figured it was salvageable and then trimmed about 30% of the cake to get rid of the edges. I then inadvertently spilled some milk on the cake. I shrugged and just continued to trim and covered up all the remaining madness with icing. I took it out to the line to serve only to have the famed Professor Vance Christian take a piece. I cringed, sweated profusely and hid in the back of the kitchen. He hunted me down some 20 minutes later as I cowered in the back to compliment me on the cake. “It was so moist”. Hmmm, my hodgepodge had worked out. This was a long way from Hamburger Helper, I was flying by the seat of my pants and it actually worked out!

Sometimes I think we think that perfection equals mastery. What it really comes down to is having enough experience to be able to let go and riff. And maybe it’s not experience as much as confidence to know you can create something delicious out of failure.

So how to you let go of perfectionism and just go by feel? Here are some ideas:

1. Ask for help. We spend so much time acting like we know everything. It’s OK not to know everything, especially when you are new at something, like Hamburger Helper…or playing the clarinet…or being a boss. Ask your Mom, your best friend or a mentor for help. You can’t let go and go by feel if you haven’t learned the basics first. I didn’t come out of the hotel school knowing how to manage, I had to ask for help from coworkers, other managers, friends and my boss. Ask for help.

2. Read the book (slow down). My favorite chef is Alton Brown. He always says to read the recipe like a good book. I have to admit that most flops in the kitchen have come from not reading the recipe like a good book first. Invariably, there is some step I “skimmed” over and now the meat has to marinate overnight…for the dinner party in two hours. Oops. Read the instructions. This is helpful with anything involving upgrades on your computer to a newer version like say “Java”. I click through and don’t realize I have now committed to a new browser along with the upgrade. Slow down and read the book.

3. Experiment. Once you’ve learned the ropes, experiment. If I’m facilitating a new training, or a new recipe, or trying a new coaching model; I try it the first time by the book. Once I’ve got the hang of it? I experiment. Less stock, more salt, more cooling time, more students in the class, less time on the activity. Try it out by the book the first time, but then tweak it the next, and more after that. Now you are starting to go by feel.

4. Let go. Let go of the perfectionism, the technology, the “way we’ve always done it”. I was coaching a client recently who was able to run a personal record in a half marathon. He knew what his pace had to be to finish faster but he bailed on his running app. He “ran by feel”. He realized that “the numbers rob you of the joy”. When you are focused on what the app says your pace is or making sure you follow the recipe by the letter, you lose a little bit (or a lot) of the joy in the process. Let go.

As I write this, I’m trying to make homemade gnocchi for the first time. I have to say I read many recipes before trying this particular recipe out. I read them like good books. I’m following this to the letter, but if it turns out great, next time there will definitely be some revisions, I’ll let go and cook by feel.

Empathy in the Workplace. How to be Human And Not be Called a Wimp.

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First of all, sympathy and empathy are similar but different. As Dictionary.com explains ” You feel empathy when you’ve “been there”, and sympathy when you haven’t.” So if your cat just died and I’ve never had a cat, I have sympathy for you. If you are disappointed because you didn’t get the raise you wanted, I can empathize, because I’ve “been there”. Empathy, from my point of view, is one rung up the emotional intelligence ladder from sympathy. It’s the ability to stand in your fellow co-worker’s shoes and “feel” how they feel. Empathy in the Workplace

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For most Baby Boomer managers reading this, the “F” word or feelings, is their kryptonite. We associate good management with the tough minded, angry, direct communication style of Mary Tyler Moore Shows’ Lou Grant or 30 Rock’s Jack Donaghy. The F word means shedding tears over budget shortfalls or kumbaya moments around the water cooler. Actually my association (being a Boomer manager and all) is with the 70’s radio hit by Morris Albert called “Feelings”. Listen to it at your peril, as it is a sure fire earworm. Whoa, whoa, whoa…feelings. Feelings = weakness. It’s not true. The single best way to lead others, have more productive employees and bring more money to the bottom line is through empathic leadership.

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So here are some ways to bring empathy skills into your wheelhouse:

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1. Learn. The first thing to know is that it is possible to learn to be more empathetic. According to the Center for Creative Leadership, “fortunately, empathy is not a fixed trait. It can be learned.” (Shapiro, 2002) This is great news. So just because you aren’t sure how to be more empathic, you can take baby steps toward the goal. Read some books, google it or take a class. The key is to start learning.

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2. Listen. There has been a lot written about active listening. We spend way too much time listening with the intent to respond, or argue, or repute. Try listening with the intent to change your mind. Wow, what a concept. Try to dispel some of your long held beliefs. This is truly listening; listening to agree with another point of view. Conservatives and Liberals alike are looking to find more information that backs up their point of view while ignoring anything that might refute it. If you want to stand in another person’s shoes, listen with the intent to change your mind.

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3. Observe. Observe the feelings of those you are listening to. As written by Marshall Rosenberg in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.” I think of this as what Jane Goodall, the anthropologist must be doing when observing primates in the jungle. It needs to be devoid of judgment and focus only on the facts. It’s so easy to be wrapped up in our own “stuff”. Be the anthropologist and just observe.

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4. Label. Most models including Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC) state it’s important to label the feelings that you have observed. My shorthand for this over the years has been “I hear that you are frustrated”. Mostly because most people are frustrated and it’s not as triggered as “angry” or “upset”. I find that when I coach folks and I try to label or clarify the feeling they are having, that, even if I am wrong, they will help to redirect me to what they are feeling. They know I am listening. So Joe might say, “No, I’m not frustrated, I’m disappointed.” OK, so we are clear on how Joe is feeling. Try and label the feelings of the person you are talking to.

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5. Needs. Acknowledge that we all have needs and they are either being met or not. In NVC, the process includes stating yours or your coworkers unmet needs without blame or judgment. This is a tall order. So much of our language includes blame or judgment. “You’re selfish…lazy…self-centered.” All judgments. “I’m feeling disappointed because I am not confident that I’m going to meet the deadline.” In this statement, I am not blaming or judging but owning my unmet needs…that of being on time. State your needs without judgment.

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6. Shoes. I recently learned a process through ORSC called “The Third Entity Exercise” on how to understand someone else’s point of view. In this case, I was coached through understanding mine and my son’s point of view. The coach had me stand in my point of view and speak to my son (hypothetically). I was upset that he would take so long to get ready. The coach then had me physically stand in the opposite space (as if I was my son) and then speak from his point of view. Light bulb moment. Suddenly I could see how demanding I was being. I understood the dynamic of our relationship. He was reacting to my bluntness. I was lacking empathy. As the coach said, ” your 18 year old son went to Key West with you?” Wow. Cut him some slack. If you get a chance, physically stand in someone else’s shoes. It’s incredibly enlightening.

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Maybe the real end result is compassion. Everyone wants to be acknowledged and understood. Regardless, it creates a healthier more productive workplace. Folks want to show up and do their best work when the people around have an empathetic compassionate heart and they feel understood and appreciated.

7 Surefire Ways to Decrease Chaos and Focus on What Matters

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

I had the pleasure of teaching a class on “Focusing on Priorities” at our local Wayne County Chamber of Commerce last week. Lecturing is not my forte but I have taught many corporate and university classes. I always try to make teaching a more collaborative event. The seminar last week was no exception and most of the ideas that came out of the class were terrific. I am constantly amazed how a random group of folks can come up with much better ideas and content as a group than an individual can. Having everyone find their voice and to be heard by everyone else can be so powerful because others can add to the ideas, reinforce them and make an even more powerful framework for action. I love it. It’s always amazing to experience! covey-s-matrix-2

The focus of the class was how to get things done and to diminish the sense of being overwhelmed that comes from the constant barrage of information and requests. We used the Franklin Covey model of the Time Matrix in which you want to spend your time “above the line” or working in areas that are important instead of falling to the areas of what is urgent but not important (i.e. phone calls, email, text and voice mail). It’s also a balance between your own priorities and those of others (i.e. your boss, spouse, parents, clients, etc.).

So for the benefit of all of those who didn’t get to attend, here are some of the ideas that came out of the class:

1. Barricades. There were several thoughts that were related to barricading out interruptions and notification. If you need to work on an important project and want to focus: close the door, turn off the iPhone, turn off all notifications and turn off the internet browser. Proactively barricade the interruptions and attention-grabbers out of your sight.

2. Commit. One of the attendees suggested dedicating a run to someone. So if you plan on running 5 miles on Saturday, dedicate it to your Godmother so that you have a deeper sense of commitment. Or give up something, say Facebook or Twitter for Lent. Commit to something greater than yourself.

3. Chunk. Chuck up the big projects and tasks into smaller parts. This is one of the main reasons folks seek out coaching. They want help chunking and planning out the execution. Setting a time zone and blocking it for writing, exercise, getting one shelf uncluttered or spending 15 minutes on a project. Even creating “e-time” or the time you spend on the internet and answering emails (if your job permits). Plan your chunks, separate them into smaller pieces and then schedule a time to work on them.

4. Calendar. Most of the folks had a calendar for all of their appointments, meetings and important tasks. It doesn’t matter if it’s electronic or paper. Have one location for all of your personal and work related to-dos. If you have two separate locations, you have to be religious in keeping them both up to do date; and quite honestly, with the ability to access and post so easily with electronic media, there’s really no reason to One person highlighted in different colors and her assistant had access to the calendar. My recommendation is whatever you use be consistent. Calendar your important but not urgent items like exercise, project work, reading and writing. They need a time slot in your life along with everything else.

5. Priority. One participant had a business size card that had space to write three goals to focus on in the Personal, Business and Money areas of her life. She kept it in the visor of her car and changed it once a month. Some folks had checklists. There are many apps for that as well: Trello, Wunderlist and Do It (tomorrow) are just a few examples. Keeping goals at the top of one’s mind is critical to keep focus and accomplish what you want to.

6. Communication. This came up repeatedly. We all need to be more proactive about setting expectations when we delegate or are being delegated to. If my project depends on other folks getting information to me…I need to let them know before I get behind the 8 ball and need help digging out. If someone is dependent on me for a critical report so that the presentation goes off as planned, I need to request the deadline up front. Knowing what someone else’s priority and focus are can help you understand your own. Be more proactive in your communication.

7. Good girl. We need to let go of the “good girl” or “wonder woman” syndrome (yes, I know you are surprised but 90% of the class were women). We don’t have to get everything done. We never will get “it all done”. Let go of the guilt, the worry and negative self talk and delegate. It’s only stressing you out. LET.IT.GO.

Sometimes it’s just nice to get into a room with some other overwhelmed folks in order to find out that we are all going through similar experiences and that we can learn from each other’s stumbles and limiting beliefs. It’s invigorating when everyone, including me, takes a piece of new insight and utilizes the new knowledge.

A special thanks to Kate and Lara for putting it all together!

7 Ways to Take the Road Less Traveled. My Daughter, My Hero.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

“I’m not here to give people voices because I don’t have the ability to do so for anyone but myself.  All I do is merely remind them that we are all human and that all stories are deserved of being heard.” – Natalie Robles

My daughter, Natalie, graduated from Duke University this past Sunday. I could not be prouder of her accomplishment. Not that it’s Duke or that she is graduating from college period. It’s that she has always taken the road less traveled; thrown herself into and embraced every experience. She has always followed her heart regardless of naysayers along the way. She has always been true to herself. She is my hero. My Daughter, My Hero

Natalie started school a year early. At the age of 4, she knew her alphabet and numbers and tested into kindergarten. In a time where parents are red-shirting (holding their kids back a year) so that they can excel at sports and academics, she was a maverick. She held her own and still placed into the accelerated classes throughout elementary school and into high school. As a sophomore in high school, she auditioned for an elite residential arts school (some 3 hours from home) and managed to be accepted into their prestigious music school. These are very brave steps for a 15 year old fledgling clarinetist but she did it. Her fearlessness, resilience, fortitude and aspirations made her my hero.

Natalie has a laundry list of attributes, but these are the one’s that stand out for me:

1. Resilience. Natalie bounces back even when things are tough. She had a terrible experience her Junior year of high school with a roommate. The roommate left school but Natalie returned the next year. She has had frost bite from backpacking in the snow and returned the following year for the same subzero experience.   She had an unpaid internship in NYC, living hand to mouth for 8 weeks and went back the following summer for yet another unpaid internship in NYC. She may struggle and stumble but she will not fall.

2. Curiosity. In Natalie’s freshman year of college, she hiked for 2 weeks in the Pisgah National forest, performed in a dance recital (she had never taken dance), played with the symphony, tromped around at half time at the football games in the marching band, joined the water polo team (yeah…a newbie), and taught at local elementary schools in her..ahem…”free time”. Natalie inhaled every opportunity. Not all of them were her cup of tea, but she tried them all on for size.

3. Openness. Natalie’s passion is documentaries. It aligns with her ability to let folks find their voice. She doesn’t rush. She doesn’t push. She is present and listens. She distills and edits and blends and creates magic. She is open to all possibilities. And we get to enjoy the product of her openness.

4. Empathy. Her first experience with documentaries was in Medillin, Colombia. She was selected for a Summer program during her freshman year to travel to South America and document families displaced by drug violence.  When she was instructed to interview some three to four families a day, she balked. She could feel the tension in folks as she tried to film. She knew they weren’t comfortable. She wanted to spend time with one family. She wanted to go back to the same family so that she could create trust. She did. She connects with folks and regardless of the cultural and language barriers, she honors them.

5. Decisiveness. Every family has disagreements. It might be what restaurant we are eating at or which movie to rent. The rest of us can get into a quagmire of indecisive infinite possibilities and unspoken agendas. Natalie takes the reigns and makes a decision. Done. Resolved. (Thanks)

6. Joy. As I write this, Natalie is having her wisdom teeth removed. I can hear her in the exam room laughing. She has an infectious laugh that I would recognize anywhere. She brings that joy and laughter to endless folks. No one is immune to her joy (especially her brother). They can crack each other up with just a look. She brings joy.

7. Bravery. Natalie went to a camp in the golden hinter lands of Northern California at the ripe old age of 8. It was emotional to leave your first born in what we later referred to as the “hippie” camp. When I returned to pick her up some three weeks later, she showed us the 20 foot high platform she had, while harnessed, jumped off of as she took a leap of faith to grab a trapeze. She has run a 10k obstacle course race, tried zero gravity and Bikram yoga, auditioned for countless music camps and organizations, and, her greatest feat, repelled up a mountain side after several years of conquering her fear. She faces her limiting beliefs.

I remember when Natalie left for Colombia some three years ago, she read a diary of a journey I had taken to South America some 30 years before. She said, “Mommy, I’m following in your footsteps”. In reality she has gone way beyond the steps I’ve taken. I can only hope to be as accomplished in my entire life as she has been in just 21 short years. My hero.

8 Ways To Be A Jerk At Work.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It’s amazing how we tend to focus on work from an egocentric point of view. We see what everyone else is doing wrong but fail to see our own missteps. I can get frustrated because I never know my boss’ schedule yet I never tell my team when I’m going to be out. I pounce on every error by my direct report yet rationalize why I missed a deadline. I focus on everyone else’s failings and gloss over mine. how to be a jerk at work

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If all you do is find fault in everyone else and need a brace on your finger from all your finger pointing and blaming….you might be a “jerk”. If you have never been content one day at work…you might be a “jerk”. If folks can’t be authentic and honest with you for fear of retribution….you might be a “jerk”. There many good reasons to be a “jerk” at work. You never get put on any teams because you don’t ever do any heavy lifting. You only have superficial conversations and there’s no need to connect with folks. You have more free time because everyone avoids you.

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If this sound like the gig for you….follow these steps:

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1. Gossip. Everyone knows where to get the sensationalized information in a company…the Company Gossip. Find out as much information on other folks and regurgitate it in an exaggerated half-truth fictionalized manner to as many folks as possible. Make it sound like you are only telling your closest network but make sure the lies spread like wild fire across the entire organization. Be a gossip.

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2. Sly. If you have the opportunity, make sure you trip your co-worker. Copy their boss on an email requesting information you know they haven’t been able to get yet. Move a deadline up on a project while the leader of the project is on vacation. Go Roadrunner on Wiley Coyote…make it seem the project is almost done and then have them fall off a cliff. Be sly.

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3. Keeper. Hold all the information you can and guard it with your life. Skip important meetings where you would be expected to share the critical information. When the organization starts going down the wrong path, bite your tongue. If the boss is rolling the bus over the wrong poor soul, smile and nod. Be the keeper.

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4. Backstabber. Keep your knives sharp. Find out your team’s Achilles heel (I.e. They are poor at details, they’re always late, they are insecure) and capitalize on it. Tell your victim you have their back and then find the opportune time to mention their weakness to the boss. They never saw it coming.

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5. Ice. Be as cold as ice. CEO and Juicesoft founder, Kim Scott said “There’s a Russian anecdote about a man who loved his dog so much that when the vet told him he needed to cut the dog’s tail off he couldn’t do it all at once, so he did it an inch at a time.” Cruel empathy.

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6. Quit but stay. One of my biggest pet peeves is when folks announce their retirement 2 to 3 years in advance. This in theory is supposed to help the organization prepare for their departure. In reality, the retiree is just quitting and staying. Everyone ends up counting the days until they leave so we can all be put out of our misery. Announce your retirement.

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7. Pump sunshine. I can remember two different job offers I took because one of the folks from the company was so enthusiastic about the company. Both people turned out to be jerks. They were pumping sunshine. Disingenuous sunshine. The companies were great; but the sunshine pumpers were jerks.

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8. Micro. Micromanage everything you touch. Of course, if you are following #3, you won’t be delegating anything anyway. Dictate very detail and double…triple check that every detail is being followed. Return every typo and double period for a redraft (this will keep folks in their place and you will look so superior). Be sure to micromanage.

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I’m not advocating that we all be jerks. Just a reflection on some things you (and I) might be doing unconsciously that might be rubbing your co-workers the wrong way.