Are you alright…right now?

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy Noice Graham, Workplace Navigator1 Comment

I bet you are. Mostly because if you are reading this you are not being chased by the police, or an elephant or even a shark. If you are in the middle of a major medical procedure like heart bypass or having your gall bladder removed, you are probably not reading this. The truth of the matter is, most of the time you are alright right now.

I’ve been reading Just One Thing by Rick Hanson. It’s a book of simple practices to add to your life to develop a buddha brain. A buddha brain, as defined by Dr. Hanson, is using neuroscience and emotional balance to create happiness, love and wisdom. Couldn’t we all use a dose of that? Well, this is lesson 42, which is titled: “Notice that you’re alright right now.”

Here is how to implement this into your own life:

Pause.  As I write this, it’s ten days before Christmas. I’m busy putting up the Christmas Tree and I can’t seem to get one strand of lights to work. I’m not sure if I have bought enough presents for both my kids, my house is getting repaired, and I have huge financial decisions looming on the horizon. I know you have similar preoccupations. It may be a medical decision or the unknown leak under your car. There is something preoccupying your head. Press pause. Stop. This very instant. You may think you don’t have time, but unless you are in the middle of performing brain surgery, you have time to pause. So pause.

Sense.  Now that you have stopped your monkey brain from ping ponging from issue to problem to disaster to worry, scan your body. How is your big toe doing? Still there? Any pain? What about your ear lobes? Still hanging in there? Slight pain in your back from that workout yesterday? Ok. But you are doing okay for the most part. Sense it. After I read this lesson last night, I was snug under the covers of my bed. That’s a wonderful feeling. Sense the moment. Right now.

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Stock.  Take stock in the moment right now. Is there a roof over your head? Do you have food in the fridge? Shoes on your feet? People you love and care about? When you take stock, you figure out that it’s not so bad. In the past few months, I have gone down the rabbit hole of catastrophizing my financial situation. When I do that, I am diminished. Reduced. Small. A victim. But when I take stock in the moment? I am a badass. I have the tiger by the tail. How would you rather feel? I thought so. Grab the tiger by the tail and take stock in how much you have.

Relax. As Dr. Hanson writes in Psychology Today, “This background of unsettled-ness and watchfulness is so automatic that you can forget it’s there. So see if you can tune into a tension, guarding or bracing in your body. Or a vigilance about your environment or other people. Or a block against completely relaxing, letting down, letting go.” This is going to take practice. We are so hardwired for scanning the environment for threat that relaxing into the moment is against our biology. Feel your shoulders, let them sag. Relax your jaw. Let your thoughts go like balloons into the blue sky. Breathe. Try it. I’ll wait. There is no rush.

 

So how did that feel? Pretty good, huh? Check in throughout the day. Is everything alright right now? Maybe it’s at the top of the hour. Maybe it’s when you wash your hands. The important thing is just to notice

Gate B4 at Hartsfield International

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My son, Benson, and I arrived at our connecting gate to Raleigh-Durham. We were about an hour and 15 minutes early for our connection and sat down next to each other pretty close to the gate for our final leg home after spending Thanksgiving in Seattle. Benson settled into his iPhone and I sat skimming Facebook. Then a woman in a wheelchair was placed next to my seat. The wheelchair agent looked at the woman and said, “Are you all set?” The woman in the wheelchair was silent. The wheelchair agent looked at me with an expression of Well, I guess that’s it and left.

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About 5 minutes later, the woman in the wheelchair started speaking in Spanish. I wasn’t sure who she was talking to but there was no one around responding. I spoke up and asked, “¿Hables ingles?” (Do you speak English?). She replied: “No” and asked where the wheelchair agent was. I responded in Spanish that she had left. The woman then explained that she could not see. So there I am, sitting at gate B4 next to a blind, Spanish-speaking woman in a wheelchair. I felt, at that moment, that I was the only one in the world responsible for this woman and that I needed to make sure she got where she intended to go.

Here are my lessons from that experience:

Language.  It’s been over a decade since I had to speak Spanish on a regular basis as the Human Resource Director for a Mission Foods tortilla manufacturing plant. My Spanish is rusty. It did not matter. I had enough to figure out that she didn’t speak English, she could not see and that she was headed to Raleigh-Durham. I think it’s easy to get caught up in the perfection of speaking another language, reminding yourself to use the correct tense and the proper form of “you” (tu is more familiar and usted is more formal). It didn’t matter. Language is language, and any form of communication was better than what the rest of the folks sitting at the gate could provide. I know if I was in Miami, I could have found someone to help me out. But messy and imperfect or not, we were able to communicate. Use the language you have right now and quit worrying about whether or not it’s perfect.

Information.  It was important to relay basic information like what time it was, what time the plane would leave, and where it was headed. I was glad that she was at least headed to Raleigh-Durham. I wasn’t sure what I would do if she was at the wrong gate. I kept updating her with the time and what was going on at the gate. As soon as the gate agent was there, I walked up to her to let her know that: A. This woman did not speak English and, B. She was blind. This was important information and the gate agent thanked me. She said that it was not indicated on her ticket at all which would have helped everyone to make sure she got where she wanted to go. Be sure to relay important information.

Connect.  The extent of my airport Spanish was exhausted in about 2 minutes. So, I decided to ask where she was from, where she was headed, and what it was for. Turns out, she was headed to Burlington, NC and lives in Veracruz, Mexico. She was headed to Raleigh-Durham to meet her brother, her niece and her sister. They were coming from various parts of the United States for a reunion. Her journey had taken her from Veracruz to Mexico City to Atlanta. Now she was hoping to make it to Raleigh-Durham to meet her family. I was astounded that she had traveled so far all by herself. I was glad that I connected to her story. If I had not spoken Spanish, I would have thought she was a crazy woman, because it’s not necessarily obvious when someone is blind. She didn’t acknowledge people because she couldn’t see them. Take the time to connect.

Responsible.  As soon as they started boarding the plane, the gate agent came over and took the woman in the wheelchair onto the plane. I was relieved that she was on the plane. I never saw her when I boarded later and never saw her get off. I saw several wheelchair agents by the airplane door with various names written on paper as I exited but I had never asked her name. I felt responsible for her. How would I know if she met up with her family or not? I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I got to baggage claim and I saw her surrounded by family as we all waited for our bags. It’s amazing how we can feel responsible for something completely out of our control. I wasn’t that woman’s daughter or sister. I was just another human who happened to speak Spanish.

I can’t tell you how happy I am that this had a happy ending. I’m sure she would have made it to Raleigh-Durham without my help but it felt so gratifying to be a part of the end result. It also made me appreciate that we don’t always know if someone is disabled or doesn’t speak the same language. It’s so easy to jump to conclusions and not investigate further. I’m glad I did.

Thoughts on Seattle

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy Noice Graham1 Comment

My son and I spent Thanksgiving in Seattle with my daughter and her boyfriend. It was a first-time trip for my son and probably my fourth. My daughter moved to Seattle this July and it was fun to have her as the tour guide for her new stomping grounds. To see the city as a resident rather than a tourist.

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Here are my observations about Seattle:

Rain.  This is by far the rainiest it has been on a trip to Seattle for me. Cold, windy rain. It’s funny but because of the rain, I realized how the city is built around rain. There are coat racks and umbrella racks by the doors of most of the establishments we went into. It reminded me of Phoenix with its covered parking spaces; obviously used for different reasons. Seattle has set up the infrastructure that works with its weather. Somehow it makes it all more tolerable. By the third day, I was just expecting rain at some point and carried along my umbrella. This apparently, is a sure sign of a tourist. Seattleites usually just wear raincoats. By the end of my visit, I had purchased said raincoat with a hood because carrying an umbrella is a wet, messy drag. Adapt to the rain because you know it’s coming.

Coffee.  I have been to plenty of cities with ample coffee shops but in Seattle coffee is an art. It’s where the gourmet coffee industry started. Whether it was a freshly brewed pour-over coffee, a latte or a cup of coffee at a local diner, it was all terrific. You can’t serve Maxwell House in Seattle, only the best will do. There are the ubiquitous Starbucks everywhere, but we found a place called La Marzocco Café, which was a coffee shop inside a radio station studio. It was amazing. The kind of place to sit down and relax while you watch it rain outside and listen to great music from KEXP. It is a must-see in Seattle. My son and I ended going there several times to chill out and relax. It’s within walking distance of the Space Needle, so even tourists can make their way there. My daughter’s boyfriend, Kevin, made several pots of delicious coffee at their apartment. Be sure to relax and enjoy the coffee.

Transit.  There are many modes of transportation in Seattle, and my son and I used Lyft for most of our journeys. Walking is another popular mode, and once you have purchased a raincoat (see bullet one), it’s really not that bad. Plus, walking with an umbrella becomes a game of strategy on crowded streets, so I highly recommend wearing a rain jacket instead, just so there isn’t collateral damage as you make your way on foot. Kevin and his brother Brian suggested we take a bus from Pike Place Market to their apartment in Ballard. We had a whole afternoon together with no rush, so I was game. I have to say I was skeptical. I can’t remember the last time I rode a bus, but it was cheap ($2.50) and took us to within a half mile of the apartment. There is a certain Zen to riding a bus, as the world rolls past and riders stare blankly ahead, or intently at their phones. I was glad I had the experience, since my daughter rides the bus to work every day and I now understand the appeal. There is this transition from home to work or vice versa that frees up time for thought and reflection that driving doesn’t.

Food.  We had amazing food all week. Whether it was a diner near the Space Needle, pho at a local Vietnamese restaurant, or tacos at a Mexican spot. When we were walking around Ballard one night there must have been twenty plus restaurants we passed. I would have eaten in any one of them. There is something comforting about walking in the rain (again see bullet 1) and ducking into a cozy spot for some delicious food. Pike Place Market (with the world-renowned fish throwers) has an amazing assortment of everything, from chanterelle mushrooms to Dungeness crabs to moon drop grapes. I’ve always thought of the San Francisco Bay Area as the food mecca of the world, but Seattle could give it a run for its money. It was ironic that several of the places where we ate were Southern in theme. Whether it was shrimp and grits, biscuits or collards, I didn’t feel like I was a 6-hour flight from home. I think the cold rain makes food taste better. The pinnacle of food was our Thanksgiving meal with Brian and Natalie at the helm.  There is a peace in letting go and not being responsible for the biggest meal of the year. I don’t need to worry about whether the turkey is carved. Turns out, it is still delicious, regardless of how it is carved.

It was a great trip with the highlight being a trip to the Japanese gardens at the Washington Arboretum and spectacular Chihuly Garden and Glass Museum. There is always something fascinating to do in Seattle, regardless of the weather. What are your favorite spots in Seattle?

The Obstacles You Face are Moving Your Story Forward

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I’ve been taking Patti Digh’s Project 137 for the last few months. Project 137 has activities each day to help live your life to the fullest. This is what came up the other day:

Where are you, right now, in your journey? Be fully there.

                     Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s.

                     Be fully where you are. The obstacles you face there are moving your story    

                     forward. Embrace them.

This was really enlightening. I have written about staying off someone else’s path before, but actually viewing obstacles as moving myself forward was completely new to me. It’s so easy to get discouraged by an obstacle and letting it demoralize you. Put your hands up in the air and throw in the towel.

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Here are some thoughts about how having obstacles can move you forward:

Re-frame the obstacle.  I received some life-altering bad news yesterday. I was angry. I felt deceived. I felt like I just could not catch a break. And then, as I do with many of my coachees, I re-framed it. This news was not a death sentence. It wasn’t even a health issue. It was just about money. I realized by the time I went to bed that it was just money. I didn’t lose a loved one, my health was fine and my career in tack. So it’s just a challenge I need to get past and will be stronger for it. Put the obstacle under a new frame.

Take stock.  I write in a gratitude journal every day. This is incredible helpful when life throws you a few challenges. I had a serious scare earlier this week with a loved one. I took stock in the fact that the loved one was just fine and how happy I was that they were fine. I’m happy my dog is safe when I return home from being on a business trip. I appreciate that a friend took time to speak to the class I was facilitating. I am grateful that my career is so successful. I write five things (sometimes more) that I am grateful for every day. It helps me realign the universe to having my best interest at heart. Take stock.

Take the turn.  Have you ever used the GPS to get through something like the Hampton Roads area of Virginia? I cannot make it through the Norfolk/Newport News area without taking the wrong exit, or being in the wrong lane while my exit is three lanes over. So I have a choice. I can get angry and beat myself up or I can take the next turn and get back on track. Just because it didn’t go as planned, just adapt. Be flexible and don’t let your inner critic hijack your emotions. Just relax and take the next turn.

Stay positive.  As Patti writes in Project 137, “Don’t let your struggle become your identity.” When I went through a huge life pivot point some 6 months back, I defined my entire life by the pivot point. All my worthiness was wrapped up in a decision that someone else made. I was not moving forward. In fact, I was trying my hardest to move backwards. I was living in the space of constant struggle. It took a few months, but I finally figured out that forward positive motion was the only answer. I couldn’t live in self despair. I had to see what was possible instead of wallowing in grief. Staying positive lets you see what is possible.

Understand your story.  Brene Brown writes in Rising Strong, “In the absence of data, we will always make up stories. In fact, the need to make up a story, especially when we are hurt, is part of our most primitive survival wiring. Mean making is in our biology, and our default is often to come up with a story that makes sense, feels familiar, and offers us insight into how best to self-protect.” Knowing that you are filling in the blanks for data that is missing is important to recognize. It’s amazing how paranoid I can get when I am missing a few data points. When I acknowledge that I am “fabricating data” for the story in my head, it brings me back to reality and helps me redraft the story with more positive data. You are the author of the story in your head, and you are allowed, actually encouraged, to rewrite the story for the happy ending.

In an era of constant change and ambiguity, it can be overwhelming when a challenge arises. It’s important for all of us to remember, including myself, that it’s our response to the obstacle that is what’s most important, rather than the challenge itself. What obstacles are you facing?

Setting Boundaries to Build Trust

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This seems counterintuitive. Why would having firm boundaries increase trust? This is a concept I learned about from Brene Brown in her latest book, Braving the Wilderness. I imagined that if you have firm boundaries that you have created an impenetrable fortress around you. You don’t let anybody in, and in turn, certainly don’t let anybody out. Keep everyone at arm’s length.

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By Brene’s definition, it means making clear what’s okay and not okay. But this is really hard for those of us who just want to please everyone. Go along to get along. I’ve been in this camp for many years, whether it was giving into crazy rules and regulations of a relationship (i.e. no music while driving, no lemon, only foreign films, etc.) or making excuses why someone is late or not being respectful. Regardless, I haven’t been very good at setting up boundaries. So, this is something new for me and about 80 percent of my coachees.

Here are some ideas:

  • Take responsibility. There is only one person who can set up your boundaries and that is you. Your Fairy Godmother is not going to come down from on high and Prince Charming won’t arrive on his stead to set up your boundaries for you. Don’t play the blame game for someone else walking all over you. There is only one person who needs to take responsibility, and that is you. I know this is hard to swallow because it is so much easier to complain about how someone treated you, instead of owning it. Take responsibility for your boundaries.

 

  • Know your boundaries. Take some time to articulate your boundaries.  Write them down. I don’t stay out after midnight. Never travel for business on a Sunday. Always request a booth at a restaurant. Only 25% of my business is pro bono. I agree to deadlines that are attainable. No phone calls after 7 PM. No technology at the dinner table. No more than three text or emails without a response. No committing to more than two events per week. I don’t leave my dog with a dog sitter for more than two days. Whatever they are, write them down. Know them. If you haven’t written them down then they might get blurry. Establish your boundaries.

 

  • Just say no. Brene writes about choosing to be uncomfortable for eight seconds when you turn something down, rather than the resentment that will eat at you if you say yes. When you can’t live with the uncomfortable eight seconds to say no, then you will end up living with resentment that will eat you up. I have done this many times. I’ve said yes to serving on boards I had no time or desire to be on. I don’t want to look like I am selfish. I’ve said yes to obligations that did not line up with my passions. The regret that comes with these decisions is a much heavier load than the eight seconds of being uncomfortable. Embrace the discomfort and say no.

 

  • Let go of the guilt. Guilt is an inside job. Maybe my mother is carrying a load of guilt on my behalf, but besides that, all the guilt I might carry is completely created by me. I carry guilt for other folks. My daughter made the decision to attend a once-in-a-lifetime event instead of a family event. I started picking up the guilt and carrying it with me. It was not my guilt to carry. She had set a boundary and I needed to respect that. Sometimes the guilt is attributed to someone else’s boundary. Respect that and let go.  Don’t drag yours or anyone else’s guilt behind you. It is weighing you down.

 

  • Hold the line. Brene calls this accountability. Don’t back down once you have set your boundaries. I’ve been meditating for 30 minutes for the last 5 months. It is non-negotiable. If I have a 6 AM flight, I’ll get up at 4 AM to make sure I get my meditation in. Make sure your boundaries are non-negotiable. At this point, this boundary in my life is a habit, similar to brushing my teeth. If you hold the line long enough, it becomes second nature.

 

Establishing boundaries builds trust. In many ways, it is trust in yourself in that you know what is best for you. Isn’t that what it’s all about. Knowing what is best for you? What boundaries do you need to establish?

Learnings from the Escape Room

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I was not familiar with an escape room experience but having just survived one, I figured I’d enlighten my readers so that you can be forearmed in case someone convinces you to take part. When someone on my employee activities committee suggested we go to an escape room, I was hesitant. It didn’t sound very appealing. Why be locked up in a room with some co-workers to try and solve puzzles for an hour while hoping to outsmart the puzzles? Perhaps I overthought it. It turns out it was fun. And in the process, some hidden talents of my co-workers were uncovered.

Here is the Wikipedia definition of an escape room: “An escape room is a physical adventure game in which players solve a series of puzzles and riddles using clues, hints and strategy to complete the objectives at hand. Players are given a set time limit to unveil the secret plot which is hidden within the rooms. Games are set in a variety of fictional locations, such as prison cells, dungeons and space stations, and usually the various puzzles and riddles themselves follow the theme of the room. Escape rooms are great activities for families, friends, students, and even businesses because they rely on team building exercises.”

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Apparently, these escape rooms are cropping up all over the country. I mean, if they have one in lil’ ole Goldsboro, North Carolina, they must have them everywhere. So, before you turn up your nose at the experience, let me share some of my learning.

  • Think outside the box. When the six of us were given the instructions before entering our room, “The Heist” escape room, our guide told us to think outside the box when we were trying to puzzle our way out. This was really important advice. While pursuing our escape, we had a bunch of pieces to what seemed to be a picture frame. My immediate impulse was to make a rectangle (er…a box). It turns out that if we followed some color-coding, we actually extrapolated some numbers instead of the form of a box. I had a really hard time not just making a rectangle in my head, instead of seeing the numbers. This prompted a reconsideration on my part. Are we all just assuming that what we see is accurate or that following the status quo is the only correct path? It might stretch you and be uncomfortable, but think outside the box.

 

  • Pay attention to details.  We were in a room full of art pieces and paintings. We were instructed to count up all the rowboats as part of our escape solutions. I remember one or two of my coworkers kept wanting to count every boat, which included sailboats and canoes. The important detail was that there were only a few actual rowboats with oars. We could not move ahead in the puzzle until we counted the rowboats instead of every boat (and no, we could not use our cell phones). It’s important to know the difference, and if you don’t, then maybe you need to figure out someone in the group who does. There were several times when we burned minutes by ignoring the details and not really looking for the answer. Make sure you look at the details.

 

  • Take risks. One of my co-workers is a huge risk taker. She has always taken matters into her own hands and tested things out. I mention this only because it was a huge advantage for us as a team in our escape from our escape room. There were two puzzles that I can think of that she single-handedly figured out. She didn’t ask for affirmation from us for solving the puzzle. She just charged ahead. Here’s a perfect example: at one point we had a blow dryer and, well, wow. I saw no reason for a blow dryer; and honestly, I didn’t see the light going on for anyone else. I figured it was a joke of some sort. The blow dryer solution ended up catapulting us forward because she took a risk with the interpretation. This taught me to remain open to the reality that those around us are looking for solutions and finding them; I need to remain open and risk. Are you taking any risks, remaining open to interpretations, or playing it safe?

 

  • Sometimes you don’t need everything. If someone gives you a puzzle challenge and you are given ten puzzle pieces, you would want to use them all, right? There were several times during the hour-long escape that we didn’t need all of the objects placed in front of us. Sometimes just eight pieces, or six, or even two would work. Just because you are given something, doesn’t mean you will even use it. Getting wrapped up in using everything in front of you can bog down the process. Remind yourself of this.

 

  • Take the clues as you go. We had the option of getting three clues during the hour-long game. I had it in my head that we should get one every 15 minutes or so, and it ended up being one of the best ideas. So, we would try to figure out a few puzzles and locks and then request a clue. We would go for fifteen more minutes and then request another clue. The puzzles sort of build on each other, so if you had all the clues at the start, it wouldn’t be as helpful. By taking them over time, they were of the most benefit. So, don’t wait for the last minute for help and don’t ask for all the help up front. Assess and use it over time.

 

We did not escape in the time allotted. Our guide told us we were about 75% complete. That’s really good since it was the first escape room experience for all six of us. I think the biggest takeaway is that I now know my team’s strongest attributes. I got to witness a process that they each go through. So, whether a risk taker, willing to get down on the ground or someone patiently trying a padlock for 10 minutes; we could never have done it alone. Together we had terrific progress and learned wonderful things about each other.

Straining to Be

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You’re ten minutes late for the conference and you are stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. You merge left, then right, and end up five cars farther behind. You check the mail for the important document from the bank and it’s still not there. You sigh in disgust. You’re hoping your co-worker is finally going to step up on the project, but he left all the details from your input out the project. Left out again. You are straining to just be.

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The photo above is the inspiration for this post. I saw it in the town of Wilmington, North Carolina a few months back. I identified with that dog. Straining forward. Putting all the effort in moving with very little reward. I think of a negotiation I’ve been in the middle of recently, and equate it with, “You can’t push a rope.” In fact, all that straining to push forward is exhausting. An energy drain. I can feel the potential in that dog, but feel its futility as well.

 

How can we let go of straining to be?  Here are some thoughts:

  • Decide not to decide. My dear friend Janine told me this several months back. She gave me some examples of how not deciding had changed the course of events in her life. This is difficult for someone as tenacious and impatient as myself. I want to push things and be done with them. There is a difference between “not deciding” versus “indecision.” One is inactive and the other is active. Indecision creates stress and a constant waffling between options. “Not deciding” is being OK with what is now and not trying to change the course of events. Not deciding is where your power is.

 

  • Quit lugging the weight. Dragging things down the road is nothing, but expending energy when it’s not necessary. When I walk my dog Baci, she will try to pull and tug and strain when she sees the top of the driveway, closing in on home at end of our walk. She tries to lug me with all her might to get into the house. It makes no difference in our progress, as we head towards the sacred water bowl. It frustrates the both of us, and can damage our relationship. I find that my coachees, who have Responsibility as one of their strengths, can feel responsible for everyone on their team’s work (re: weight). They metaphorically end up carrying the weight of the team. When you strain against others, it can hurt your relationship.

 

  • Second can be just as good. They say that the athlete who is most disappointed is the one who wins the silver. Seems crazy. The woman who won bronze is just happy to make the podium and the guy who won gold is beaming with pride at the top. The silver medalist is so full of regret that they didn’t make gold. But they are on the podium! I used to have a Labrador and a Siberian Husky. The husky always wanted to lead. She would never be happy in second place. The lab didn’t care. He knew that he was going for a walk and would just happy to be there. Be accepting of second place. At least you are on the podium or the walk.

 

  • Are we there yet? Straining forward focuses on the future. You remember when you were eight years old and headed out on a ten-hour drive to a vacation spot. You were focused on getting to the vacation spot, never the present moment. You never thought you would arrive and so, you miss out on the joke your brother just told or the elusive “Hawaii” license plate trying to attain all fifty states. Be present right now. And now. And now. You have arrived at right now.

 

  • Be grateful.  Acknowledge what you have accomplished. I did this yesterday with my coach, Tammi Wheeler. When you reflect back from where you have come, it is really gratifying. Having a coach is a great way to reflect on your accomplishments and to be grateful. Keeping track of what has gone right and having a positive mindset creates possibilities. Take stock in what you are grateful for.

 

All this can be difficult because of our negativity bias. We are hardwired to look for what is wrong. It’s a slow meticulous process but letting go of the straining forward and learning to just be is freeing. How do you let go of straining to be?

How to Have Wonder

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I was on a plane to Miami a few weeks ago. It was my fifth flight inside of a week. I’m a jaded traveler. I don’t pay attention to the safety announcements, I always bring a bottle of water and go to the ladies room as soon as they start boarding. This kills time for the inevitable “those who need extra time to board the plane.” I am always habitual and with this trip I was hoping for no snags in my connections or weather in Atlanta. I almost always sit by the window but rarely look out. Until I saw this little boy looking out the window some three rows in front of me. He had wonder in his eyes. It caught my attention with a wisp of admiration. I want that. His mouth was open in awe. He couldn’t believe the magic of the clouds befor him. He had wonder oozing from him.

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I took his picture knowing that I wanted to write about it. And to look for ways to get wonder back in my life. It’s happenstance that the leaves in Eastern North Carolina are just starting to turn as we enter autumn. I was going to Miami to visit my son and to see him compete in a weightlifting competition. For most of the two-day trip, I had nothing to do. All I could do was sit, walk or look for wonder. The awe-inspiring moments of life are way top easily overlooked. So, I went about looking for them as a direct consequence of the boy on the plane.

Here is how to have wonder in your life:

 

  • Patience.  This has never been my strong suit and omnipresent technology distractions don’t help in the least. When we are constantly striving to move forward and pay attention to more than what’s in front of us, we miss the little things. I took note of this when I saw a family waiting for mom at the airport, with signs that read: “We ran out of diapers three days ago.” I forced myself to overcome the urge to text my son to say, “I’ll just take a taxi,” because I’m too impatient to wait. To force myself to be okay with the cable being out and not calling the company multiple times –  it won’t change a thing. And to wait for the orchid to bloom, instead of buying flowers at the store. Restraint exposes wonder.

 

  • Be open. I ended up spending the majority of Sunday at the coffee shop (White Rose Coffee) where my son works. He had the second season of Better Call Saul on the big screen television. I had no desire to start mid-season on a new television show. My son Benson pointed out that he had started watching Breaking Bad mid-season when I was home after surgery. So there I sat, watching some five episodes and watching with wonder as my son served guests. I even ate some vegan pirogi so I wouldn’t have to leave for lunch. If he missed a section, I would catch him up. Be open to the experience.

 

  • Venue. It never hurts to change your venue. Even if it’s a new coffee shop instead of your usual place. Walk your neighborhood in a different direction. Park in a different spot at work. I wrote about a side trip to Assateague Island when I was headed to a wedding in Delaware. Take time to go to a museum, garden or restaurant when you are in a new town, even if you’re on business. I have a friend who had been to Chicago several times on business and made it a point to consistently go a day early to see the sites of Chicago. What’s the point of traveling if you never stop and see the sights? Seek out new venues and sit back with wonder.

 

  • Child’s Lens. When I saw that little boy with his mouth agape as he looked out the window of the plane, I looked out the window with my mouth agape. I suddenly appreciated the fluffy white clouds below me. When I walked this morning, I saw a break in the clouds where the sun shined down as if being summoned by angels. Look at something like you are five-years-old and suddenly, this becomes your first plane ride, car ride, ferry ride, escalator ride, taxi ride, train ride, truck ride, roller coaster ride–any kind of ride. Put on your five-year-old glasses and wonder.

 

  • Focus. I am sitting here writing as I watch my dog stalk a squirrel outside. I’m trying to figure out what the squirrel is eating as my dog, Baci, is laser-focused on that squirrel. I realize now that Baci is in wonder (probably wondering how tasty that squirrel might be if she ever caught one…she never has). It wouldn’t matter if I put a steak on the floor or offered her a treat, she is mesmerized by that squirrel. I can remember seeing a Matisse at the National Gallery in D.C. If you stood really close, you could see the brush strokes, and you end up not focusing on the forest as a whole, but rather seeing the details in the trees. Wonder starts with focusing and being mesmerized by the detail.

 

Wonder is really just another word for curiosity. Curiosity is the cure for fear. It helps us open ourselves to a new experience, or reliving an old experience in a new way. What are you in wonder of?

Embracing Kindness

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve been traveling a bunch in the last two weeks and it’s come to my attention that there is a whole lot of kindness out there. I wonder if part of it is due to the various natural disasters as of late. There is nothing like being without power or being displaced from home to humble us and move the heart. I was displaced for seven months after Hurricane Matthew hit (over a year ago) and it was awe inspiring to have countless people come to my aid with both financial and emotional support. It gave and continues to give me great hope.

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Kindness is actually good for both the giver and receiver. Isn’t that awesome? We are hard wired to be kind and it actually helps us feel good. It’s so easy to fall into the negativity bias that looks for constant danger. Try looking for kindness and your day will get that much better.

Here is why you should embrace kindness:

Health. As Bruce Cryer wrote for Project Happiness, “Sincere kindness from the heart triggers a cascade of vitality and health-inducing biochemicals in our body, at least 1400, which re-energizes both giver and receiver. Now research has shown that at least 600 genes are designed to protect our health and longevity are actually triggered to express when we are feeling kind and compassionate.” So, take two tablets of kindness and feel healthy. You are biochemically built for it.

Connected. Kindness connects us. I was in Scottsdale last week on business. I knew that breakfast at the hotel didn’t open until 6:30 AM, but I arrived 10 minutes early hoping I could grab a quick bite before heading to the airport. The server let me in early. I was so appreciative. She didn’t have to but it connected us. I felt like she was on the same wavelength: “Let’s make sure Cathy eats AND arrives at the airport on time.” For this act of kindness, she was on Team Cathy.

Younger. Yep. It makes you younger than your stressed out counterparts. Worry and stress, no surprise, ages you. Embracing kindness slows down the process. As Cryer writes, “Those worry lines that can become deep grooves on someone’s’ forehead or around the eyes don’t have to be there! It’s in our power to change it. The stressful emotions we all experience separate us from the kindness and love of others. They create walls of a prison we are now the inhabitant of. No one wins.” Leave the Botox behind and elect kindness instead.

Armor. I assume you have heard the term, kill them with kindness. Having a long service background, which included cocktail waitressing at the San Francisco Airport and running the cash register at the Sizzler franchise I owned, I ran into my share of grumpy folks. I remember thinking that my smile and compassion could win anyone over. It didn’t work every time, but it worked on most. Armoring up with kindness was almost like throwing down the gauntlet. Let me see if I can turn this grumpy guy around. And when it works and they leave feeling better than they came in? Priceless.

Home. Kindness starts at home. I remember a guy who was friendly with everyone he met and knew, but was an absolute jerk with his own kids. Don’t be that guy. Kiss your spouse on the cheek, hug your child and give a few extra scratches to Fido. Home should be the center of kindness and compassion. Just because it’s out of view doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. It matters that you are always welcome and loved by your family. That starts and ends with you.

Work. You know who is approachable and who is not. Who is kind and who is not. Who would you rather work with? So be that person. The one who listens. The one who doesn’t judge. The one who doesn’t keep score. I know who my go-to people are at work. Make sure you are some one’s go-to person. The kind person that your coworker actually feels better after experiencing “you”. Be the kind person at work.

So, think about it as you go about your day. Find the kindness that is out in the world and pay it forward to someone else. Where is there kindness in your world?

Returning to Assateague Island

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I had the great fortune to attend a lovely wedding in Dewey Beach, Delaware recently. It was a long 7-hour drive from my home in North Carolina, so I decided to stop off in Chincoteague, Virginia for a night’s stay. Assateague and Chincoteague are very foggy memories for me. I grew up in Wilmington, Delaware and we took many trips when I was a child along the eastern seaboard. I faintly remembering the trip to Assateague and wanting to see the fabled ponies but it was a lingering memory of disappointment. I don’t remember seeing the ponies. So, this was a trip to recapture something I simply could not remember. It did not disappoint.

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I made a reservation on the highest rated boat excursion on Trip Advisor called Daisey’s Island Cruises. When I called, the guy recommended a 9 AM ride, so I made the reservation. I was relieved to not be going on the trip the afternoon I arrived because I was road weary and wanted a good night’s sleep.

These were the highlights of the trip:

Small boat.  Daisey apparently operates several large and small boats but we were on a pontoon boat that sat about ten people. There were seven of us including Captain Nate on the boat. I had expected a larger boat and a slew of people much like a boat ride around Manhattan with a prerecorded tape pointing out the sights. This was much more intimate and there was no preset destination. Kind of like a road trip on a boat with no particular agenda; an open book for discovery. If you can choose, get on the smaller boat as it will be more of an adventure.

 

Dolphins. Captain Nate was on his radio as soon as we left the marina. He said he had a surprise for us as soon as we left the port. Sure enough there ten to twenty dolphins swimming in the channel right outside the marina. It was amazing. We must have sat out there for some thirty minutes as a whole pod of dolphins wrestled in the water. I felt like Jacque Cousteau observing these friendly creatures. Just seeing the dolphins was enough for me but there was so much more.

 

NASA.  We passed Wallops Island and saw all the launch pads for unmanned missions to resupply Spacelab and a host of other missions. There have been over 1,500 launches since the Mid-Atlantic Regional Spaceport was developed back in 1947. So you don’t need to travel all the way to Florida to see rockets take off. Apparently, you can check out the scheduled launches on the NOAA website. All this on a six-square mile island off the Eastern Shore of Virginia.

 

Chincoteague Ponies.  As mentioned earlier, I had it in my mind that looking for ponies would be a letdown. As we traveled across the water at a fair clip, I assumed that we would be staring at vacant marsh land. But Captain Nate and the other Daisey boats were in constant communication. There were two ponies spotted and we were off to find them. As we sped towards the coast there were two ponies eating marsh grass oblivious to us encroaching on their space. Captain Nate pointed out into the distance at three other ponies and the Stallion off in the trees. Because we were on a small boat we were able to travel up a shallow creek bed to be less than ten feet from the ponies. There were the unseen ponies from my childhood only feet away. Absolutely magical.

 

Birds.  There were all manner of birds on the trip. There was a whole set of cormorants drying off their wings as they sat atop moorings in the middle of the water. We rode by only feet away but they sat regally benign to our presence. White crane were fishing in the marshy shallows. Seagulls were flecked among the sky. It felt like nature was conspiring to impress me at every turn.

 

Shellfish.  We passed by countless oyster beds. Apparently, the beds are leased by fishmongers and we happened to see one group out among the beds harvesting oysters. We came up on one bed and Captain Nate laid down and picked out a mass of oysters. Apparently, they grow on each other’s shells, so the one handful was several oysters, some 5 years old and others less than a year depending on size. He shucked the oyster to reveal an enormous thumb size oyster meat which he promptly ate when everyone on the boat turned it down. We also rode by clams resting in the sea water in crates; apparently, a catch being kept for future shipment.

 

I never imagined that there would be so much so much to see and take in. If you ever get to the eastern shore of Virginia, I highly recommend a boat trip to Assateague Island.