🏛️Rome: Zebras, Lasagna and Popes

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I went on a tour of Rome in December of 2024. I normally travel on my own staying at rented apartments and figuring it out as I go.  I went on a Road Scholar tour for seven days in the Eternal City and it was educational and well-paced. When I first landed at the Rome airport, I needed to freshen up.  I was really impressed with the bathrooms. They were super modern. When you entered there was a lit number indicating how many unisex stalls were available.  Each stall that is available has a green light indicating it’s free, you wave your hand and the door slides open to a private stall with toilet and sink. You wave your hand to close and then again to lock it.  All of it was touchless and hands-free. Simply amazing.

We all stayed at the Hotel Dei Mellini which was a small hotel along the Tiber River near the shopping district of Prati.  There were loads of restaurants and mostly high-end shops. For most communal dinners we could walk to a local restaurant and we were invariably the first group there at 7 PM. The restaurant would be full by the time we left at 9 PM.  Our group totaled twenty folks all over 60 from various parts of the United States.  Our fearless leader, Bruna, did a great job of keeping track of us all as we navigated the ancient streets of Rome. The term we all learned almost immediately was finding “Zebras” or the marked crosswalks. Bruna explained that if there was a Zebra and no traffic light that we (the pedestrians) had the right of way. She frequently, and bravely, walked out into traffic several times stopping motorcycles and taxis to let us cross a street on a zebra crosswalk. I soon learned that to get around I had to be acutely aware of where the “Zebras” were to find the best way to my destination.  There is no telling where a Zebra might be placed, sometimes it’s in the middle of the block, sometimes I had to travel a block out of my way in order to find a Zebra to get to my destination.  When in Rome on foot, follow the Zebras.


Teatro di Marcello  with three layers of lasagna from across 2000 years, one built on top of the other.

Our first day in Rome was spent at the Capitoline Museum which sits atop “Capitoline Hill”. The palazzo in front of the museum was designed by Michelangelo in 1536. It contains a treasure trove of sculptures countless busts of the over 80 emperors who ruled Rome. There is a bronze sculpture of a she-wolf nursing twins Romulus and Remus which is the origin story of Rome. There several versions of the story but Romulus is the victor and he founds Rome in 753 BC. In addition, there is an equestrian statue of Marcus Aurelius from 173 AD and parts of the Colossus of Constantine including the head and a foot (the foot alone was 6 feet long) of Roman emperor Constantine the Great. The real secret to the Capitoline Museum is the vantage point to see all of the Roman Forum which is centuries of various ruins dating back to Julius Caesar and the 7th century BC. The Pantheon is a marvel of a structure that was built in 609 AD on a site that was a temple during the reign of Augustus (27 BC- 14 AD). It is an engineering masterpiece and stands today as it did in 609 AD with it’s large circular dome and 30 ft. oculus or hole in the center of the Rotunda. So, when it rains, the water falls through the oculus and down to the floor where drains sweep the water away.  It’s simply amazing.

We went to the Colosseum and Roman Forum the next day. The Colosseum was originally named the Flavian Amphitheater for the emperors of the Flavian dynasty who ruled 69 – 81 AD and built the Colosseum. It held 50,000 to 80,000 spectators.  Our guide said that 10,000 exotic animals from Africa and 5,000 gladiators and slaves were killed here for sport in a 90-day period. They have recreated one of the trap doors from which an animal would be transported up to the arena. It has endured a fire and an earthquake in 1349. It has been torn apart and picked over to build other structures in Rome. There are thousands of pot marks that were left behind from iron clamps that held the stones together. As we walked through the Forum, we kept hearing about recycling and how one marble pillar from one structure was recycled into another structure some 3 centuries later. Limestone from the Colosseum was used in a church 200 years later. When we walked through the Forum, through the Arches and various structures left behind from years of emperors, popes and dictators, we walked on black basalt.  As we stood below the Arch of Titus, there are the original black rocks that Julius Caesar walked upon some two thousand years ago. In the middle of this bustling city just yards from the Colosseum. Rome is deep in history.

Our guides were constantly talking about recycling and the Teatro di Marcello which is a great example of lasagna or layering. It started construction under Julius Caesar in 17 BC. First it was a theater until the 4th century, then it was used as a fortress in the Middle Ages, then in the 16th century it was a residence for Orsini which was built on top of the original ruins, by the 19th century apartments were built above the lower floors. You can plainly see from the side that there are 3 distinct layers from 2000 years of existence for various purposes. Some very impressive lasagna!

Vatican City is the city state that sits in the center of Rome. It houses the pope, St. Peter’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel. Throughout our travels there are countless buildings, monuments and statues marked clearly with whichever pope had paid for the monument.  Since there have been over 280 popes, there are A LOT of monuments and A LOT of lavish, opulent works of art and they are housed in the Vatican Museum and the rest of Vatican City.  We were fortunate to receive a one-hour class on the Sistine Chapel before entering this remarkable space whose ceiling and final judgement were painted by a captive Michelangelo.  The figures appear 3D in this hallowed space. St. Peter’s Basilica is the largest church in the world and I would bet that 30% of it is covered in gold. The guide told us as we entered this cavernous space that if it looks gold, it is gold. I was most overwhelmed by the Vatican Museum which is basically the opulent attic for 2000 years of popes acquiring or demanding various works of priceless art. One of the hallways we walked down was three football fields long covered from floor to ceiling with artwork and tapestries. 

I found Rome to be chaotic, energetic and wondrous. The history of dictators, emperors and popes all ruling this city along the Tiber River. It went from 2 million people to 20,000 people between the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.  Those that are still here are vibrant, resilient, welcoming people. All roads lead to Rome and I’m so glad I was able to experience its deep history, wondrous art and irresistible food. 

🚎Fascinating Lisbon

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I traveled to Lisbon in December of 2024. There has been a lot of buzz about Portugal of late with many Americans seeking to move there. With Portugal’s generous visa options there is a lot of interest.. I wasn’t thinking to relocate to Lisbon but I have to say that it was more intriguing than I expected. If I had to describe Lisbon, I would say it’s as if San Francisco and Bordeaux had a baby. San Francisco because of the endless hills (Lisbon is called The City of Seven Hills) and the romantic 1930’s era trolley cars that are ubiquitous throughout the city. Bordeaux because Lisbon has all the charm of a mid-size European city, it sits on the Tagus River. Bordeaux’s Place de la Bourse Square and Lisbon’s Praca do Comercio feel almost identical with their riverside grandeur. Both Bordeaux and Lisbon have endless plazas, historic buildings and are very walkable (although in Lisbon, you will be walking up or down a hill).

When I arrived at the Lisbon airport, I was delighted by how fast the customs process was. I scanned my passport quickly and easily and walked over to a customs agent who opened my passport and stamped it without even asking any questions. I easily got a rideshare to my apartment for the week. The airport is about 4 miles from downtown Lisbon so it’s inexpensive and quick. It’s amazing how the proximity of an airport to the downtown of a city can make visiting so much more enjoyable and easier. I was amazed at how many signs and advertising are in English. Public bathrooms throughout the city. They are marked as WC (or Water Closet) and are nowhere close to the Portuguese “Banheiro” or “Sanitario”. Stops signs say “Stop” as opposed to “Parar” in Portuguese.  One of the bigger surprises for me was, was that the Christmas Music was entirely American classics like Jingle Bells and White Christmas. I guess I thought there would be classic Portuguese carols. It’s interesting how much our culture has impacted other parts of the world.

Padrao dos Descobrimentos – Monument to the Discoveries along the Tagus River in Lisbon

Lisbon is the second oldest city in Europe (after Athens). The Greeks and Phoenician’s set up trading posts here in 800 BC.  Its proximity to the Mediterranean, Atlantic,Red and Indian oceans make it perfect for trade routes. In fact, it’s many maritime discoveries during the 15th and 16th centuries included a trade route to India and eventually Macau which made the kingdom of Portugal vastly rich. This resulted in many magnificent structures like the Jeronimo’s Monastery and the Tower of Belem (both are UNESCO world heritage sites). The district of Belem is a must visit for anyone traveling to Lisbon. Besides the Monastery and Tower, the entire waterfront along the Tagus River is not to be missed. I thought the Monument of the Discoveries which was dedicated in 1960, a beautiful homage to the many navigators, writers, cartographers, kings and missionaries who set out on the Tagus into the great beyond. It stands 184 feet high and has 33 statues of these various explorers looking toward to the horizon. It has three large geometric sails and is uncomplicated in its beauty.

As I walked around Lisbon, I became obsessed with the Portuguese Pavement. White limestone and black basalt are used to create sidewalks and plazas with various designs. My first introduction to these types of designs was Rio de Janeiro some 35 years ago. Long endless designs of waves or checkerboards or stars are throughout the city. Some of these masterpieces date back to the 1880’s.  It’s like looking for easter eggs and trying to find a new and unique pattern. There is very little actual “pavement” as you would find in the United States. Practically every street and narrow sidewalk is made of cobblestone. I wore sneakers the entire time I was here and I defy you to find anyone who is not wearing comfortable rubber soled shoes in the city, tourist or no. Cobblestones mixed with steep hills was something to get used to and I am only glad that it didn’t rain as I can imagine it’s not a good mix. In fact, the cobblestone narrow streets and sidewalks are one of the main reasons I couldn’t see living here as I age.

Each little or big plaza in Lisbon usually has a “Bica” or a little round coffee kiosk for drinks and outdoor tables.  I was surprised that even in 40-degree temperatures there were plenty of folks sitting outside in their jackets enjoying a coffee or beer. Each evening there is invariably someone playing melancholy Fado music on a guitar. My apartment was overlooking a plaza and each night I would be serenaded to sleep by a nameless singer singing Fado.Fado is a characteristically mournful tunes and lyrics. They often reflect on the sea or the life in general.

No trip to Lisbon is complete without venturing on to Sintra, Cascais and Cabo de Roca. I highly recommend getting out on a tour or taking the train to Sintra at the very least and its many castles, quaint streets and natural beauty. On my tour the best stop was at Cabo de Roca which is the western most point in continental Europe.  It sits high on a cliff overlooking the Atlantic with its lighthouse. The wind gusts were powerful and erratic. I love the quote that sits out there at this remarkable point, “Where the land ends the sea begins” – poet Luis Vas de Cameos. Here on this land once occupied by Romans, Phoenicians, Celtics and Arabs, many bravely headed out into that windswept landscape to conquer the sea. They left the comfortable harbor of Lisbon and ventured out to see what else there was.

🤓Discover 4 Key Habit Components

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I recently read BJ Fogg’s book, Tiny Habits.  It was eye opening to understand why some of my habit changes have failed and why some of them have succeeded.  He really tears apart a habit into its components and all the forces at work to make it fail or not.  He shines the light on how to succeed.  I was of the mindset that it was all up to my willpower to make a habit succeed.  This is probably why my best and most enduring habits are in the morning when I have the most willpower.  Before, I’m hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT) and I’m at my highest energy level. I have made several attempts at creating an afternoon habit like practicing my guitar or writing a blog post, without success.  I try once or twice and next thing I know; I’ve got the remote in my hand and I’m bingeing some show. 

Fogg does a great job of dissecting a habit and he does it without judgement.  As Fogg wrote, “In order to design successful habits and change your behaviors, you should do three things.  Stop judging yourself. Take your aspirations and break them down into tiny behaviors.  Embrace mistakes as discoveries and use them to move forward.” Understanding that it’s not a failure or opportunity to be self-critical when an attempt fails but to be able to hold it up to the light and see what’s available is empowering.

4 make or break components of a habit:

Make it small.  I mean really small.  Fogg’s example is to floss one tooth instead of the whole mouth.  Instead of “reading a book”, try “put the book on my nightstand” or “Read one chapter, or one page, or one paragraph, or one sentence.”  This makes it so much more accessible.  I actually started flossing my teeth after reading the book.  I have yet to floss just one tooth but I have, on a daily basis, been able to keep the habit because all I’m focused on is flossing one tooth.  I read part a book each night.  Sometimes it’s one page, sometimes it’s a chapter, it depends on how tired I am (and how interesting the book is).  I water my plants each Saturday.  My tiny habit that facilitates this is putting the watering can on the kitchen table.  I know it’s not done until the can is put away.  Keeping it small makes it all less daunting.

Make it easy. Fogg writes that B = MAP, or Behavior happens when three things come together at the same moment: Motivation, Ability, and a Prompt.  As Fogg points out, motivation cannot be depended upon.  Sure, there are times when I’m really motivated to go for a run or do a strength workout, but there are many times when I either had a poor night’s sleep or it’s raining outside or I’m just not feeling it. This was an insight for me.  So, I can’t just depend on willpower (motivation) alone.  In fact, I try to make whatever the habit is, as easy as possible.  So, I leave my dental floss out on my bathroom counter, I keep my shoes by the front door to go for a walk, I leave the book on my nightstand with the expectation that I will only read at least one page, I start my walk with only aiming for the corner of the street, and I leave a glass of water on the counter so that I drink it first thing in the morning. It’s like the engineers who look at how many clicks a customer has to make to purchase an item.  Eliminate the amount of clicks of the mouse, reduce the friction and noise for you to have the ability to actually do the habit. I have found that the easier a habit is to do, the more likely I am to form a habit.

Find a prompt. Fogg delineates three types of prompts.  

A Facilitator prompt is when you have high motivation but low ability.  So, it is a prompt like clicking a green button when you are tired (your ability is low) but you are motivated to be entertained (think of the next video loading up on Netflix).  

The Signal prompt is when you have high motivation and high ability to do the target behavior, so a simple reminder is enough like a calendar notification, sometimes, in my case, I don’t need the reminder because of my high motivation. 

The Spark prompt is when you lack motivation but have the ability. One of the best spark prompts for me is a Fresh Start Prompt.  So, it’s a Monday and I’m going to walk first thing in the morning for 10 minutes every day or it’s the first of the month or it’s the new year or it’s my birthday or it’s the vernal equinox.  

One of Fogg’s quintessential habits is what he calls “The Maui Habit” which is basically saying out loud, “It’s going to be an amazing day,” when your feet hit the floor in the morning.  I have to say I would get wrapped up in the fact that I forgot to say it until I got to the bathroom or when I was meditating later in the morning.  Then I realized, just because I missed the prompt of my feet hitting the floor, doesn’t mean I didn’t do the habit.  Whatever the prompt, if you remember to do the behavior for whatever reason, that’s terrific!

Celebrate. I have to say the Fogg had to prove this one to me.  I initially was skeptical of celebrating a new behavior. And by celebrating, it’s not throwing a party or getting a manicure.  It has to be immediate.  So, think of giving yourself a high-five or a fist pump or “Oh yeah.”  What would you say if your team just scored to win in the final seconds of a game? That?  That’s your celebration. It makes sense because of our brains.  When your brain realizes that you have a positive reaction (celebrating) to completing a new behavior, it wires it into your brain. It’s a positive neuropathway that your brain will seek to recreate again, and again, and again.  So, when I started flossing my teeth in the morning, I gave myself a fist pump.  I did that for about a week.  I do it periodically now, but now I see flossing as a positive experience.   As Fogg says, this is a critical piece that most folks dismiss.  Don’t forget to celebrate.

Since I finished this book several weeks ago, I’ve been successful in flossing my teeth every morning, drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning and I’ve taken an early morning 10-minute walk outside as recommended by Dr. Huberman to help with my circadian rhythm and general wellbeing for the rest of the day.  Now that I have a much better understanding of habit forming, I am much more adept at creating and keeping habits.  How do you create a habit?

🫶🏻In Memory of Mom

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My mother passed away at the age of 90 in October of this year. It’s been difficult to come to terms with her being gone mostly because we had a complicated relationship. As I have met other women recently who are the “only” daughter of an exacting mother, there is comfort in knowing that it’s not just me. I carried a burden of my mother’s expectations for decades and it’s ironic that when I arrived in Sequim, WA this summer for her 90th birthday, it was one of the few times that she was actually proud of me. I had driven my RV, Abeona, on a 4,000-mile solo trip across the United States and I was finally living the life she wanted me to live. 

My mom was born in New York City in the middle of the depression. Her parents and her older brother, Dave, moved to Wilmington, DE by the time she was four years old.  My mother’s perspective on life was shaped by growing up during the depression and a meticulous, regimented father (10th of 11 children) who was an accountant for DuPont. She started elementary school a year early (a nun decided that she was tall enough to start school) and ended up being a valedictorian for her Catholic High School. She had a perfect SAT score; she was the first in her family to obtain a Bachelor’s of Science at the University of Delaware. That is someone who either had a lot of expectations for herself or was held to a high standard, or both. I don’t know which it is but leading up to her meeting my father and having three children within the next six years, she had achieved a lot for a woman in the 1950’s. 

My mother, brother Rick, myself and my brother Dave circa 1966

My mom always claimed that the happiest day of her life was meeting my dad but the second happiest was giving birth to a daughter (I don’t know how my two older brothers feel about this). She had a lot riding on having a daughter and she was going to make sure I fulfilled her dreams, it took me over 50 years to figure this out. My brothers and I all took piano lessons, we all played instruments through elementary and middle school. I assume this was important to my mother since she played the piano and my grandfather was an accomplished pianist. My parents rarely (like twice a year rarely) took us out to restaurants or bought us new clothes or the latest bike. I look back at photos and I realize we all have funky haircuts because my mother always cut our hair. I think I got my first proper haircut in junior high when I started earning money by babysitting. Frugality was paramount in my house growing up. This frugality led to my parents paying for any college we could get into, which now I see how generous that was but as a teenager in a penny-pinching home where my friends would get cars for their 16th birthday or pearl necklaces for Christmas seemed tremendously unfair. 

My mother ruled the family room in my house. I can see her after working a long day in a medical lab at the local hospital, making a dinner with hamburger helper and finally retreating to the family room and her recliner, glass of sherry and a cigarette. My father would be grading papers or reading in the living room with Joan Baez or Beethoven on the hifi. My brothers and I would be around the television in the family room with my mother watching The Waltons, M.A.S.H. and All in the Family. She cried at all the sad parts of shows and cheered loudly for the Eagles to get a touchdown. She was much more demonstrative than my more stoic father. Any time I had to call home from when I was sick at school even up until college, I would choke up when I heard my mother’s voice. She was safety and would, make it all better. She also did not suffer fools. There were plenty of times when I was sent to school because I didn’t have a fever. I remember getting very nauseous before a solo at a choral performance in elementary school. I said I was too sick to perform, she wouldn’t have it.  I ended up performing. 

My mother was there for probably the most critical diagnosis of my life when a I was told I had to terminate a pregnancy at 20 weeks. She was by my bedside after maxillofacial surgery when my face looked like a bowling ball. She sat with me as I labored for over 24 hours with my first child.  She took charge of caring for my 7-month-old daughter while I worked 60 hours a week and my husband was cross country selling our home. She was there when I gave birth to my second child. She and my dad were there every Christmas morning waiting for my children to open presents. No one made a better cinnamon toast in the world and her chicken and dumplings were delectable. 

I was on my way to Mount Washington, NH in my RV when my mother called to tell me to come to Sequim WA after breaking her femur. She wanted me. I can’t remember a time in my life when my mother truly asked for and needed me. I was there within 48 hours. In those two weeks, the roles reversed. I was the patient, doting mother addressing all her fears, she was vulnerable, fragile and scared. I held her hand and tried to make things right. My daughter came with her husband as well to help relieve my brother who had cared for her for over ten years. My mother rarely spoke about her mother who had passed away from cancer when she was 28 and I was one. In her delirium she called out for her “Mommy” in the weeks leading up to her death. Behind her bed were the pictures of her mother, Mary, and her grandmother, Gertrude Mary. It all felt full circle. Her mother was taking the baton and pulling her through to the other side. We all carried the name Mary.  My mother was born Mary Ann, my name is Catharine Mary and my daughter Natalie Mary. The Madonna that sat in the room that was originally my grandmothers.  All of us Marys.  Joined by name and blood and love. My mother passed away ten days later with my brother holding her hand. I’m fortunate to have had my mother so long and now she can spend eternity with her mother.

I was talking to a friend who had a similar relationship with her mother.  She said that since her mother passed that she has a much better relationship with her. It is about how I frame it now. I’m glad I was there to hold her hand; to reminisce and tell her I love her. I told her as I left her for the last time that I would be back in 3 weeks but that it’s OK if she can’t wait for me. She pointed to the sky and said that she would see me there. In the end, my mother needed me and was proud of me and that has given me the closure that I needed. 

🎁Holiday Happiness. 5 Ways to Not Covet.

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It seems like every year around the holidays, I am invariably invited to a holiday party involving a game called “Dirty Santa”.  If you are not familiar with the game, participants bring a wrapped gift that is worth a certain amount like $20 and everyone draws numbers. Number 1 picks out a gift, and unwraps it. Number 2 gets to decide if they want to “steal” Number 1’s gift or pick out a new gift.  This goes on until all the gifts are selected and then Number 1 gets a second and last chance to look at all the gifts and decides whether to “steal” once more.

I find it ironic that we play this game during the holidays.  During a time of giving and selflessness, we play a game that encourages coveting thy neighbors goods.  Last year I was lucky, I pulled “Number 1” which is an advantageous position. You get the last “pick” but I have to say that I was robbed at least four times during the game.  By the third time it happened, I quit getting attached to whatever I selected.  It’s strange to not know when  someone was going to come over and take it.  I ended up with a gift I really like, a scarf from Italy, but I could have just as easily ended up with cheap men’s cologne (a clunker gift from a game a few years back).

I think these experiences have something to show us.  Don’t covet.  Yours, mine or theirs.

So here are some ways:

1. Detach.  Detach from the objects in your life.  I was on a business trip in Charlotte.  I left my favorite blouse and skirt in the hotel closet.  I didn’t realize it for about a week.  They were gone.  I resented it for weeks.  Every time I was getting ready to travel, or wear the perfect matching earrings, or shoes, it brought it up again.  I was filled with regret and continued beating myself up.  Water under the bridge.  Let. It. Go.

2. Content.  Have you ever noticed that when you are looking for a new car, all you notice is the make and model you are interested in on the road?  Or if, as I did, you really wanted a convertible, you regret it for months and start looking at the make you bought as a convertible with jealousy? Be happy with the toys you have.  Be content.

3. Path.  We all make our own path.  We all got here from different places.  Some went to college, some didn’t, some stay in the same town their entire life and some don’t. Some people value Ferrari’s and, others value surf boards.  If I grew up in Italy, I’d probably value that Ferrari and if I grew up in Florida or Hawaii, the surf board.  Don’t judge others by what they covet.  You don’t know their path.

4. Seek experiences. In an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Melanie Greenberg, she writes “Research studies show that spending money on experiences, such as family vacations, educational courses, or psychotherapy provides more happiness ‘bang for the buck’ than spending money on possessions. That is because much of the pleasure of possessions seems to be in acquiring them.” The lift you get from the purchase is short lived.  Buyer’s remorse.  Take a class, go to the musical or sign up for coaching.  Go for the experience.

5. Boost your set point.  There have been many theories that you might get a brief bounce in your happiness set point after winning the lottery, tie the knot or buy that new house.  Eventually you will return to your original happiness level (after the honeymoon is over).  The good news is that according to an article in American Psychological Association by Zak Stambor called “Is our happiness set in stone?’ we can change our set point.  He writes, “research shows that people can increase their happiness by making a conscious effort to count their blessings, reframe situations in a positive light or perform kind acts.” Reframe and count your blessings.  It’s difficult to covet when you are grateful.

My parents have taught me to not covet material objects.  The Christmases of my childhood were not blow out Toy-fests.  They were times of family, food and Monopoly marathons.  Outside of an Easy Bake Oven, I can’t remember many of the gifts from my childhood but I do know that I always want my brother, Rick, on my Pictionary team (he is a great artist) and my dad on my Trivial Pursuits team (retired History teachers are awesome teammates).  Enjoy your holiday and count your blessings.

😎Good Enough IS Perfect

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Sometimes there is this feeling that you are settling when something is good enough. Like you left some money on the table or you aren’t trying to be an over achiever. But it turns out that good enough will make you happier, satisfied, and content. In Tal Ben-Shahar‘s book, Pursuit of Perfect, there is a big price to pay for the constant striving for perfection. The author paid the price while attending Harvard. Anything less than an “A” was failure, so he worked constantly to make sure he could maintain his perfection. And the price? He wasn’t happy. When you are constantly striving for perfection, you never get to the destination. You think you are but you never arrive. That’s if great success is supposed to be a college degree, making your first million or finally getting married. You might hit a bump in happiness, but the next day, you are back on the perfection treadmill. 

I am amazed at how many of us are out there on that treadmill. Beating ourselves up for every B- paper, one pound gained or bad hair day. We are ever vigilant to find out how we failed and how we did not attain success. The constant interior score card. “I should have stayed late”, “I can’t believe I ate the chocolate cake,” or “I never spend enough time with my kids.” It’s the constant balancing act of being all things to all people. I remember thinking I was stretched in college between school work, my social life and my part-time job. That was way before email, smart phones and the digital deluge made you feel overwhelmed, let alone children, aging parents, full-time jobs and a spouse. Ben-Shahar had some great points on how to achieve good enough and to embrace being human.

Here are some ideas on how to be OK with good enough:

1. Accept. We need to accept the good with the bad. The problem is that we tend to over react and ruminate over the failures. In focusing on all that went wrong, we gloss over what went right. I can tell you ever bad training I’ve facilitated but will forget the successes. I remember everything the boss didn’t approve but when it comes to the laundry list of things she has approved, they are buried deep, never to see the light of day. I can’t tell you how many people can’t take a compliment. I say “I love that necklace!” Co-worker “This old thing? My mom bought it from a street vendor in Mexico. I don’t think it’s worth 5 bucks.” We are hard-wired to reject the good and focus on the bad. Accept what is good in your life.

2. Open. Be open to feedback. Perfectionists want to maintain a façade of perfection. They deflect criticism. They hide from it for fear they will crumble. If you seek out feedback from both good and bad experiences, you become more resilient. I seek out feedback from both coaching clients and training participants. I embrace and accept the “That was great, Cathy” and the “I felt rushed” comments equally. I find that people who aren’t open to feedback tend to get paranoid. They are afraid that everyone dislikes them which makes them even more fearful of feedback. Really? There aren’t that many people that are unilaterally disliked (i.e. Madoff, Hussain, etc.). But they are so busy preserving their self-image that they can’t make course corrections like “being a better listener” or “you could delegate more clearly” along with the “you have a great sense of humor” and “that meeting took courage”. Open up to it all.

3. Release. Try and release that you need to be all things to all people all the time. I have to admit that this has been a struggle. This is especially difficult during the holidays. There was a time when I baked 20 different types of holiday cookies with my then small children (they weren’t that helpful and there was a lot of raw cookie dough consumed) and delivered them to all my employees at the restaurant I owned. All the burnt, dented and mal formed cookies befell my stomach and the rest of the “perfect” cookies were given to all my deserving employees. While this was a very noble gesture, it was completely impractical and made me very anxious every Christmas as my kitchen filled with hundreds of cookies, my kids did not have my full attention, and I become overwhelmed. I am wiser now. I instead put out about a third of the holiday decorations, walk right past the chocolate chips at the grocery store and give a card to my employees. To be good enough means to release the unrealistic expectations.

4. Allocate. Find ways to reasonably allocate your time. Perfectionist are looking ways to maximize their day to try an accomplish EVERYTHING. When they don’t? They are crushed by the failure. Be realistic. Can you really take the dog for a walk, work 10 hours a day, make dinner, take your daughter to ball practice, do the laundry, read a novel, AND run for 2 miles? No. You can’t. OK, you can for maybe one day out of the week but you will be toast by the end of the day. Toast. Figure out how much time you want to spend in a given week on everything that is important to you and then back off about 30%. So if you want a date night with your spouse every week, go out every other. If you want to get that project done at work, schedule an hour every day instead of trying to plow through it in a day and a half. Knowing that you have allocated the time and will be able to have an adult conversation with your spouse at least every other week will feel great, and make sure it actually happens instead of feeling guilty that you couldn’t do it all. Allocate your time.

5. Mono-task. Multitasking is exhausting and it’s really just task switching. You aren’t really texting and driving, you are driving, then texting, then driving, then texting, then driving (then crashing). When you spend your day talking on the phone while answering email or watching TV while eating dinner, you are numbing yourself to the world. You are not present and it is completely unsatisfying. So decide you are going to text, and sit down and text. Talk to your brother on the phone and turn off the television. Go out to dinner with your son and put your cell phone in your pocket. You’ve decided where you want to allocate your time, so go be present for that time. Embrace mono-tasking.

The interesting thing is there are certain pockets of our lives that we reserve for perfection. For me, it has been my coaching and facilitation work. It was wonderfully freeing to me when my coach mentor, Satyam Chalmers, said that there was no perfect question. If a question falls flat, your presence is more important than finding the perfect question. Whew. What a relief. It’s the same for facilitation. I can feel like I haven’t followed the “script” but going with the flow of the room is much more important. I’m good enough and enjoying the work so much more.

😳Baking with my son and letting him fail

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From ten years ago, bon appetit!

I have strived my entire adult life to try to not be a helicopter mom. I have never been on the PTA or chaperoned a dance. What I have done is to show up for every soccer game and have often driven 2 1/2 hours to see my son wrestle for all of 6 minutes. I’ve never done my kid’s homework or projects but I have gone to Target at 9 PM to buy Elmer’s glue or poster board for a school project due the next day. I always tried to be present but not takeover. The thought being “I’m here for you but I’m not doing the heavy lifting for you.”

My son Benson, age 10, with our neighbor Miss Pete in the kitchen

I have never had a set of “water wings” on either of my kids when they were toddlers. I believed that having a pair of inflatable life preservers on each arm would give them a false sense of security. So, they learned early that they would sink if they couldn’t swim. Both could hold their breath underwater before the age of two. They have done their own laundry, dishes and cooked family meals before they were out of elementary school. So, I guess I’m not the doting Mom but they knew they could count on me to show up for a Marching Band competition.

So, I’m trying to understand what happened this weekend when my son was baking a cake called Baba au Rhum. It’s a pretty intricate cake that involves separating eggs, whipping and folding…careful and precise execution. He asked for advice when he was about a third of the way through. The “batter” looked more like gravel. The culinary master in me took over and suddenly, I was taking over the production. My son stopped, looked at me intently and said….”Stop. Let me fail”. Wow. I was thunderstruck . Profound words from an 18 year old. Step away from the mixing bowl and go back to the couch Mommy.

As much as this seems completely counter intuitive to parenting, here is the value of letting your kids fail:

1. Tea. They find out if it’s not their cup of tea. Here is just a short list of activities that my children have engaged in and will not be seeking to turn “pro” in anytime soon: soccer, football, volleyball, basketball, Alto Saxophone, Tenor Saxophone, waterpolo, lacrosse, ballet, tether ball, four square, Oboe, jazz band, marching band, musicals, symphony, samba, salsa, wrestling, long jump, triple jump, shot put, waterskiing, tubing, and Guitar Hero. Some of these activities were very enjoyable, some painful, but at least they got to try them on for size. Let your kids figure out what kind of tea they like.

2. Fast. In “The Confidence Code” by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, they suggest failing fast and often. What? Part of this is due to women, in particular, wanting to be perfectionists. So you end up investing WAY too much time in something and constantly trying to make it perfect. If you fail fast, you can let go of the perfectionism and learn how to cope instead of ruminating about it. They end up facing and conquering the fear of even starting. As a parent (or boss, or spouse), I need to let go of the perfectionism as well. If your son decides he’s not a basketball player cause he’s played it since 4th grade and he’s done with it; Let it go. On to the next experiment (which in his case was wrestling and he ended up going all the way to the state championship his Senior year of high school). Let your kids (or direct reports) fail fast.

3. Outcome. As a parent, I need to let go of the outcome. It’s like the Baba au Rhum my son was baking. If it’s not perfect…so what? Is it going to kill him? No. Will it ruin his chances of ever winning the Bocuse d’Or? Possibly. Maybe we end up wasting $10 in flour, eggs and butter. I have always learned more from dishes I have failed at as opposed to those which were a big success. An undercooked loaf of bread is nasty and rare tri tip cut on the wrong angle (not against the grain) is impossible to chew. Just because you might be underwriting the baking adventure doesn’t mean you can’t let him fail. As it turns out the cake received rave reviews from all who sampled. Let go of the outcome.

4. Wings. Letting your kids fail gives them wings. I remember when my daughter gave up swimming as a sport. I wanted so badly for her to swim because it had been MY sport in high school. If I had insisted that she continue to swim she may not have taken up the clarinet and she would have resented my meddling. More importantly, her heart would not have been in it. If she had never taken up the clarinet she never would have explored all the roads associated with music including stunning duets, theater and her love of film. Letting her make the decision is what’s important. As Shakespeare said “To Thine Own Self Be True”. How is she going to find her wings if I’m telling her what to wear and what to do? Let them fly.

My children are not perfect and there have been more than an occasional misstep along the way into adulthood. A dead car battery, a call from the principal’s office and more than one $5 atm charge to get twenty dollars cash. As long as they learn something from every bump or failure and, most importantly, I don’t clean up the mess for them, I think they (and any baked goods) will turn out just fine. Failure is the starting point for resilience…so let them fail.

👍The Obstacle is the Way

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Your thoughts are in charge of everything. It’s rather overwhelming to think that we actually have control of that tickertape in our heads that never seems to stop. But when was the last time you thought something would go wrong and inevitably it did. If you are positive your boss won’t like the idea, it’s not likely they will. When an obstacle comes along you say to yourself, “That’s it, there’s no way I can overcome this”. In author Ryan Holiday’s book, The Obstacle is the Way, he proves through many historic figures like John D. Rockefeller and Lawrence of Arabia, that the obstacle is actually showing you the way. Usually the obstacle is the best way. Sometimes the obstacle is telling you to zig instead of zag.

Reframing the way the way you see (more importantly think about) obstacles can be empowering actually. Some of my best work has come from obstacles. Whether it’s a new slant on a recipe because I forgot to buy tofu and used cashews (in a lasagna, trust me it’s awesome) or when I couldn’t use PowerPoint at a training I was facilitating and had to use good old fashioned flip charts (best interactive training ever). How you face and think about the obstacle is the key to moving forward, if not sideways or three steps backwards; suddenly you are on an even better, more awesome path.

So here are the ways to reengineer your head:

1. Calm. Stay calm and carry on. Panic is mental suicide. Unless there is a fire or an earthquake or an actual bear staring you in the face, take a deep breath. Actually try “calming” breaths. Inhale slowly through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds and then SLOWLY exhale for 4 seconds. Please do this slowly or you will hyperventilate which is completely counterproductive. Folks who meditate or practice yoga know all about staying calm and focusing on your breath. If you breathe calmly for a few minutes, the disaster in front of you won’t seem so bad. All the chemicals in your brain will be diverted to glands that produced them. Practice being calm.

2. Don’t catalog. Sitting around cataloging all the reasons why you “can’t” and pointing the finger at all those who have done you wrong is only going to make the obstacle that much bigger and insurmountable. This is completely unproductive and will make you more fearful, full of anxiety and immobile. This is what your inner critic wants you to do. Stuff a sock in their mouth. Think about the present moment. Is your dog sleeping soundly looking completely peaceful ? Is there a slight breeze outside? Is the glass of water cool and thirst quenching? See you’ve forgotten all about your catalog of woes.

3. Perception. We get to decide our perception of events. Your thoughts interpret the meaning. If your spouse doesn’t say “Good Morning”, it doesn’t mean she is angry at you. If the potential client doesn’t return the phone call, it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. If you ask for feedback on a project and they haven’t responded, it doesn’t mean that they don’t like it. You get to choose. Imagine it was all in a foreign language and you needed a translator app to figure out the meaning. Your perception dictates its meaning.

4. “I”. Ryan Holiday suggests eliminating the “I” in front of statements. Things like “I can’t sing” or “I hate Mondays” or “I am stupid”. Suddenly your interpretation is personal. It becomes very difficult to back away and reframe a statement that starts with “I”. Choose not to put the “I” in front and leave it objective. At arm’s length instead of owning it. It keeps distance between what your mind is telling you and reality. If you trip on the side walk, there is no implication. It is what it is. No need to infer that “I am a klutz”. Keep your distance by eliminating “I”.

5. One off. Each obstacle is a one off. There is no exact moment or situation that ever repeats. Just because you lost that client doesn’t mean you will lose all your clients. Just because no one bought the product today doesn’t mean it’s a bad product. Don’t assume that one rejection or unanswered email is a trend. The beginning of the end. As Richard Branson says “Business opportunities are like buses, there’s always another one coming.” Get past the disappointment or let down and move on. It’s just a one off.

6. Opportunity. View an obstacle as an opportunity. How can you grow from this? How can you capitalize on the set back? Is there a new path you should be going down? One of the most painful events of my life was shutting down a restaurant I owned and had put my heart and soul into. I learned a lot about myself and my ability to move on. The funny thing is that if I had not shut down that restaurant and it had been a huge success, I never would have learned about my abilities to be a great coach and facilitator. I would have been stuck on the same path and entrenched in my belief that I could only manage restaurants. One door closes and another one opens. Move on. Look on it as an opportunity.

7. Reframe. Try and reframe. Think about the possible upside to this set back. Is there another way of looking at this? The upside of closing my restaurant was I had a ton of free time and could see things from a new perspective. I had to take stock and find a new door to open. I couldn’t have done that if I melted into depression and had given up. So if you didn’t pass the exam, maybe it’s not for you, maybe you need to work harder, maybe everyone failed the exam, maybe it was graded incorrectly. Reframe and move on.

I hope I’ve given you a new way to look at obstacles in your life so that they don’t carry the same weight. Don’t be burdened by your own thoughts. I’m not suggesting that the tickertape in your head ever shuts down but putting them in the right context and not letting them have power is liberating.

🤨Stop Pleasing Others

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The disease to please is Habit 8 in the insightful book, How Women Rise. I am a recovering please-you-alcoholic. When I felt trapped in my unhappy second marriage, I was wallowing in trying to be “love and light” to a man who would never be happy. It has taken me seven years to realize that, in retrospect, I kept tying my happiness to whether he was happy. I spent years keeping track of my internal list of rules to try and make him happy. No lemon, no lime, steak is too rare, too well done, not too spicy, not too bland, dinner at 6…no at 7…no at 5:46, heat set at 70…no 73…no 68, no dairy except for pizza, nothing vegetarian…ever. I look back and wonder what I was trying to find or obtain. Why did every grunt or disapproving look have such a hold on me? Where was I in that relationship exactly? I had evaporated into a pleasing abyss. Was I his codependent?07

Pleasing others is why women are held back from rising in the ranks. When I coach female clients at some point in the coaching engagement, they frequently figure out that they need to be able to say “no”. As Katie Phillips wrote for Talented Ladies Club, “People pleasing isn’t a topic we talk about often, and it may not have occurred to you that you were stuck in the rut of putting others’ needs and happiness ahead of your own.” Tying yourself to anyone else’s happiness is exhausting. If how you are feeling at this current moment is dependent on anything outside of yourself, it’s a losing proposition and, one, you have little, if any, control over.

Six tips to stop pleasing others:

  1. Delay your response.  As Vanessa Van Edwards wrote, “Here is my favorite anti-people-pleasing phrase: “Let me get back to you.” Or Stop. Just for 50 to 100 milliseconds. This small amount of time is all you need, according to a 2014 Columbia University study, to make better decisions.” So instead of a knee jerk reaction to say yes to a project or meeting or updated slides or making chicken fried steak, delay your response. Frequently in the moment, especially if it’s your boss or unhappy spouse, you are in your limbic brain. When you are in your limbic brain you are in fight or flight or freeze response. Your prefrontal cortex (where you do your best thinking) is shut down. All the blood has rushed to your legs for you to take flight. Give yourself some space and delay your response.
  2. Start small. Say “no” to small things at first. Like watching the basketball game, or the movie, or the Friends episode, or answering the phone, or taking out the garbage or staying up late, or getting up early or scheduling a meeting over lunch, or after five. I think starting in your personal relationships might be easier at first and then move on to your work relationships. It’s easier to say “no” to one more treat from my dog than “no” to my bosses’ demands. My son was home earlier this week and was watching some show I had no desire to watch on my only television. I said, “Let’s watch something else”. He was surprised but we found something else we both enjoyed. As with most things, it seems to start with small steps.
  3. Effective relationships.  This next idea may seem crazy but it is better for your relationships. As Dr. Ilene Cohen wrote for Psychology Today, “I learned that when you do too much for others, you over-function in your relationships, which inevitably leads others to under-function. Though my intentions were good, they ultimately hindered the overall effectiveness of my relationships.” I think of saying yes to so many projects and tasks at work actually doesn’t give my direct reports and coworkers opportunities to learn and grow. As for my marriage, it created a scenario where my ex functioned in a smaller and smaller role as I maintained the scaffolding of the relationship rules. In the end, I was exhausted and the relationship was a figment of my imagination. Strive for effective relationship through an even playing field of collaborative roles.
  4. Be authentic. Aligning with your values and being authentic with your needs and wants is not something many women are brought up with. As Cohen writes, “I came to terms with the fact that we’re all unique individuals. We should be able to act authentically and connect with who we are and what we value, instead of always doing what others want.” Perhaps it was being the mother of a new born child and 4 a.m. feedings, but somewhere after motherhood, I forgot how to prioritize myself. Be authentic with yourself and what your needs, and yes, your wants are. Align with your authentic self.
  5. Don’t. Saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” is so much more empowering.  As Van Edwards espoused, “‘I don’t’ establishes a clear boundary, making you sound much more confident and clearer in your intentions. On the other hand, people who say ‘I can’t’ seem like they’re giving an excuse and might have some wiggle room to give.” I have actually used this frequently as a sober vegan. It’s much more empowering to say “I don’t drink “ or “I don’t eat meat”. Try using “don’t”.
  6. Stop apologizing. My daughter, Natalie has admonished me for this many times. “Quit saying sorry!” And, yes, she means apologizing for everything, which I have been known to do. Again, I think this is more frequently part of the female vernacular. As Van Edwards wrote, “The next time you say no, say it with meaning. Don’t apologize because you have to prioritize. Don’t feel bad that you have something to take care of. You are standing up for you; and remember, if you don’t stand up for you, no one else will.” Apologizing is discounting and minimizing your priorities. Stop stepping back from what you want.

I struggle with this every day. I want to do for others. I realize now that pleasing others is in many ways a way to give my power away. To a great degree, it’s implausible to think that pleasing others has an impact on how someone perceives me. Perhaps the most important thing is how I perceive myself. How does people-pleasing impact you?

🧐The Amygdala at Work

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The amygdala is the almond shaped cluster of cells at the base of your brain and is part of your limbic system. It is responsible for your stress response and because it is innate, you have very little control over it. Fear is a good thing. It has protected you, me, our ancestors from walking off cliffs, encounters with tarantulas or even saber tooth tigers. The amygdala is also the keeper of fear memories, a log book of those past dangers and close calls that were avoided. As with any operating system, no two people are alike. We each have our own modus operandi. Your amygdala is unique to you and has kept score differently than mine. I may have no problem speaking in front of an audience of 200 folks and you might be terrified. I might cringe and shut down at being the brunt of a joke on a Zoom call while you may love being the center of the hilarity.

There are four classic responses to fear or stress: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. As written by Sherry Gaba in Psychology Today, “Flight includes running or fleeing the situation, fight is to become aggressive, and freeze is to literally become incapable of moving or making a choice. The fawn response involves immediately moving to try to please a person to avoid any conflict.” Imagine all these in the workplace, even more so, think of these in a mostly WFH workplace during a pandemic. Perhaps our hands are tied but it is still showing up.

The Amygdala in the workplace:

Fight

So how does fight show up? A stressed-out coworker using the fight response might send long diatribes blaming every other department for missed deadlines, or veto a change to the plan without reason, or go behind their arch enemies back to shut down a program. The fight response may not be overt but behind closed doors. The fix? A private conversation. In this case, I think video is better to be able to read body language. For someone whose automatic response if fight, addressing it quickly is important. The fighter wants to be unchecked so they can do more damage. Hold them accountable, although I would try to do it privately, if possible. Remember that the fight response may be behind closed doors and might take some effort to uncover.

Flight

So how does flight show up? For someone working under stress or anxiety, they may ghost a meeting with a contentious coworker, not respond to requests for a deadline, and, perhaps worst of all, just quit. I have seen folks just quit “out of the blue” because they can’t seem to cope with the demands of work. Flight, for them, is their automated response. 

The fix? Try to talk to the coworker privately. I think speaking over the phone without video can feel safer, as in safer to express our true feelings (and fears). If you are managing someone in flight mode, give them some space and then help set up resources that will allay their fears. When we see no end in sight, the overwhelm can make us want to flee. See what resources are available to reduce their workload. This maybe not be possible and it may not work; sometimes, the only solution is to let them fly off.

Freeze

So how does freeze show up? An anxious coworker will become inactive. They may be afraid of losing their job due to the recent company initiative, and not respond to emails and phone calls. It may feel difficult to move things forward due to a coworker’s inaction. They may never answer the poll, or the meeting request, or the IM. The fix? I think a private phone call maybe the best approach. Make sure they are alone and, if not, schedule the call for a private time. Privacy while WFH can be difficult to arrange. Once on the phone, probe for their fears or frustrations. Putting their saber tooth tigers in a cage can help them do better thinking. When someone is hijacked into freeze response, there won’t be effective thinking until the cage door is closed. Someone reacting with freeze response may take some time to uncover.

Fawn

So how does fawn show up? The stressed coworker turns to pleaser mode. They preemptively agree so as not to upset or anger a coworker. You may notice that they quickly agree perhaps without reason. You may have thought they were opposed to working on the project on a Saturday, but they quickly prove you wrong and say, “Yes”. 

The fix? Well, the pleaser sometimes will take care of all the loose ends and be quick to move forward. You may think, why should I question it? Again, although it might seem counterproductive to talk to the fawner, talk to them by phone. When it is a private conversation and you ask if they have any misgivings with the plan, you are more likely to get an authentic, non-fawn, response. Having a bunch of pleaser responses may seem easier but their responses, especially long term, will alienate and burn them out.

Having stressed employees react from their amygdala is automatic and lacks cognitive reflection. Once someone has left their prefrontal cortex (where they do their best thinking) and landed in their amygdala, thinking has dropped. What is important is to adapt our response to their amygdala reaction.