You’ve told yourself a million times you would start going to the gym. But it’s 7 AM and you still haven’t put your running shoes on. You roll over and hit snooze again. You’ve promised to eat a salad for lunch, but you decide that the drive-through at Hardee’s looks a little bit easier and you don’t even need to walk in. Double cheeseburger it is! You tell yourself three years ago that you were going to start writing that book. But you binge watch Gilmore Girls instead. This is the effect of most resolutions on most people. We fail. Over and over and over again.

There are many reasons why resolutions don’t work. Here they are:

• It’s just too big. Resolving to lose 20 pounds, write a book, or run a marathon is pretty BIG. It’s daunting. It’s overwhelming. It’s so easy to get discouraged and give up before you even start. You can’t eat a 24-oz Porterhouse in one bite. And when you don’t, you give up your resolve and throw in the towel. You’ve got to break it down into itzy bitzy pieces.

• There are a million distractions.  As Beverly Flaxington wrote in Psychology Today, “Even the most minor distractions slow you down, wasting your energy and time – consequently adding more stress to your everyday life – and keep you away from things that you really want. Distractions cause you to miss many opportunities in life. They make you feel busy and tired all the time, and frustrated at the lack of progress despite your best efforts.” These distractions are stressing you out and keeping you from achieving your higher goals.

• You don’t write them down.  Believe it or not, keeping your new resolution in your head is not that effective. It’s difficult to keep it at the top of head all day when you don’t have it memorialized somewhere. In addition, you have a world of distractions (see the bullet above) that are constantly taking you off course. As a coach, I write my clients goals down and then they make a copy themselves, or my clients write down their goals as we talk. Writing them down helps embed it in your head.

• You don’t clarify what is at the heart of the resolution. Resolving to lose weight or quit smoking isn’t really the heart of the issue. It’s probably more about feeling energized, having a more positive outlook, or regaining your confidence. What is at the core of this new resolution? Knowing what is at the core will help you see it through when your willpower is waning.

So what do you do about it? It’s the New Year and you have a whole new clean slate. I’ve got the solution for you and it’s free.

Try out my 102 Itzy Bitzy Habits. Just click here to receive your free copy.

I was on a plane to Miami a few weeks ago. It was my fifth flight inside of a week. I’m a jaded traveler. I don’t pay attention to the safety announcements, I always bring a bottle of water and go to the ladies room as soon as they start boarding. This kills time for the inevitable “those who need extra time to board the plane.” I am always habitual and with this trip I was hoping for no snags in my connections or weather in Atlanta. I almost always sit by the window but rarely look out. Until I saw this little boy looking out the window some three rows in front of me. He had wonder in his eyes. It caught my attention with a wisp of admiration. I want that. His mouth was open in awe. He couldn’t believe the magic of the clouds befor him. He had wonder oozing from him.

I took his picture knowing that I wanted to write about it. And to look for ways to get wonder back in my life. It’s happenstance that the leaves in Eastern North Carolina are just starting to turn as we enter autumn. I was going to Miami to visit my son and to see him compete in a weightlifting competition. For most of the two-day trip, I had nothing to do. All I could do was sit, walk or look for wonder. The awe-inspiring moments of life are way top easily overlooked. So, I went about looking for them as a direct consequence of the boy on the plane.

Here is how to have wonder in your life:

• Patience.  This has never been my strong suit and omnipresent technology distractions don’t help in the least. When we are constantly striving to move forward and pay attention to more than what’s in front of us, we miss the little things. I took note of this when I saw a family waiting for mom at the airport, with signs that read: “We ran out of diapers three days ago.” I forced myself to overcome the urge to text my son to say, “I’ll just take a taxi,” because I’m too impatient to wait. To force myself to be okay with the cable being out and not calling the company multiple times –  it won’t change a thing. And to wait for the orchid to bloom, instead of buying flowers at the store. Restraint exposes wonder.

• Be open. I ended up spending the majority of Sunday at the coffee shop (White Rose Coffee) where my son works. He had the second season of Better Call Saul on the big screen television. I had no desire to start mid-season on a new television show. My son Benson pointed out that he had started watching Breaking Bad mid-season when I was home after surgery. So there I sat, watching some five episodes and watching with wonder as my son served guests. I even ate some vegan pirogi so I wouldn’t have to leave for lunch. If he missed a section, I would catch him up. Be open to the experience.

• Venue. It never hurts to change your venue. Even if it’s a new coffee shop instead of your usual place. Walk your neighborhood in a different direction. Park in a different spot at work. I wrote about a side trip to Assateague Island when I was headed to a wedding in Delaware. Take time to go to a museum, garden or restaurant when you are in a new town, even if you’re on business. I have a friend who had been to Chicago several times on business and made it a point to consistently go a day early to see the sites of Chicago. What’s the point of traveling if you never stop and see the sights? Seek out new venues and sit back with wonder.

• Child’s Lens. When I saw that little boy with his mouth agape as he looked out the window of the plane, I looked out the window with my mouth agape. I suddenly appreciated the fluffy white clouds below me. When I walked this morning, I saw a break in the clouds where the sun shined down as if being summoned by angels. Look at something like you are five-years-old and suddenly, this becomes your first plane ride, car ride, ferry ride, escalator ride, taxi ride, train ride, truck ride, roller coaster ride–any kind of ride. Put on your five-year-old glasses and wonder.

• Focus. I am sitting here writing as I watch my dog stalk a squirrel outside. I’m trying to figure out what the squirrel is eating as my dog, Baci, is laser-focused on that squirrel. I realize now that Baci is in wonder (probably wondering how tasty that squirrel might be if she ever caught one…she never has). It wouldn’t matter if I put a steak on the floor or offered her a treat, she is mesmerized by that squirrel. I can remember seeing a Matisse at the National Gallery in D.C. If you stood really close, you could see the brush strokes, and you end up not focusing on the forest as a whole, but rather seeing the details in the trees. Wonder starts with focusing and being mesmerized by the detail.

Wonder is really just another word for curiosity. Curiosity is the cure for fear. It helps us open ourselves to a new experience, or reliving an old experience in a new way. What are you in wonder of?

I’ve been traveling a bunch in the last two weeks and it’s come to my attention that there is a whole lot of kindness out there. I wonder if part of it is due to the various natural disasters as of late. There is nothing like being without power or being displaced from home to humble us and move the heart. I was displaced for seven months after Hurricane Matthew hit (over a year ago) and it was awe inspiring to have countless people come to my aid with both financial and emotional support. It gave and continues to give me great hope.

Kindness is actually good for both the giver and receiver. Isn’t that awesome? We are hard wired to be kind and it actually helps us feel good. It’s so easy to fall into the negativity bias that looks for constant danger. Try looking for kindness and your day will get that much better.

Here is why you should embrace kindness:

Health. As Bruce Cryer wrote for Project Happiness, “Sincere kindness from the heart triggers a cascade of vitality and health-inducing biochemicals in our body, at least 1400, which re-energizes both giver and receiver. Now research has shown that at least 600 genes are designed to protect our health and longevity are actually triggered to express when we are feeling kind and compassionate.” So, take two tablets of kindness and feel healthy. You are biochemically built for it.

Connected. Kindness connects us. I was in Scottsdale last week on business. I knew that breakfast at the hotel didn’t open until 6:30 AM, but I arrived 10 minutes early hoping I could grab a quick bite before heading to the airport. The server let me in early. I was so appreciative. She didn’t have to but it connected us. I felt like she was on the same wavelength: “Let’s make sure Cathy eats AND arrives at the airport on time.” For this act of kindness, she was on Team Cathy.

Younger. Yep. It makes you younger than your stressed out counterparts. Worry and stress, no surprise, ages you. Embracing kindness slows down the process. As Cryer writes, “Those worry lines that can become deep grooves on someone’s’ forehead or around the eyes don’t have to be there! It’s in our power to change it. The stressful emotions we all experience separate us from the kindness and love of others. They create walls of a prison we are now the inhabitant of. No one wins.” Leave the Botox behind and elect kindness instead.

Armor. I assume you have heard the term, kill them with kindness. Having a long service background, which included cocktail waitressing at the San Francisco Airport and running the cash register at the Sizzler franchise I owned, I ran into my share of grumpy folks. I remember thinking that my smile and compassion could win anyone over. It didn’t work every time, but it worked on most. Armoring up with kindness was almost like throwing down the gauntlet. Let me see if I can turn this grumpy guy around. And when it works and they leave feeling better than they came in? Priceless.

Home. Kindness starts at home. I remember a guy who was friendly with everyone he met and knew, but was an absolute jerk with his own kids. Don’t be that guy. Kiss your spouse on the cheek, hug your child and give a few extra scratches to Fido. Home should be the center of kindness and compassion. Just because it’s out of view doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. It matters that you are always welcome and loved by your family. That starts and ends with you.

Work. You know who is approachable and who is not. Who is kind and who is not. Who would you rather work with? So be that person. The one who listens. The one who doesn’t judge. The one who doesn’t keep score. I know who my go-to people are at work. Make sure you are some one’s go-to person. The kind person that your coworker actually feels better after experiencing “you”. Be the kind person at work.

So, think about it as you go about your day. Find the kindness that is out in the world and pay it forward to someone else. Where is there kindness in your world?

I had the great fortune to attend a lovely wedding in Dewey Beach, Delaware recently. It was a long 7-hour drive from my home in North Carolina, so I decided to stop off in Chincoteague, Virginia for a night’s stay. Assateague and Chincoteague are very foggy memories for me. I grew up in Wilmington, Delaware and we took many trips when I was a child along the eastern seaboard. I faintly remembering the trip to Assateague and wanting to see the fabled ponies but it was a lingering memory of disappointment. I don’t remember seeing the ponies. So, this was a trip to recapture something I simply could not remember. It did not disappoint.

I made a reservation on the highest rated boat excursion on Trip Advisor called Daisey’s Island Cruises. When I called, the guy recommended a 9 AM ride, so I made the reservation. I was relieved to not be going on the trip the afternoon I arrived because I was road weary and wanted a good night’s sleep.

These were the highlights of the trip:

Small boat.  Daisey apparently operates several large and small boats but we were on a pontoon boat that sat about ten people. There were seven of us including Captain Nate on the boat. I had expected a larger boat and a slew of people much like a boat ride around Manhattan with a prerecorded tape pointing out the sights. This was much more intimate and there was no preset destination. Kind of like a road trip on a boat with no particular agenda; an open book for discovery. If you can choose, get on the smaller boat as it will be more of an adventure.

Dolphins. Captain Nate was on his radio as soon as we left the marina. He said he had a surprise for us as soon as we left the port. Sure enough there ten to twenty dolphins swimming in the channel right outside the marina. It was amazing. We must have sat out there for some thirty minutes as a whole pod of dolphins wrestled in the water. I felt like Jacque Cousteau observing these friendly creatures. Just seeing the dolphins was enough for me but there was so much more.

NASA.  We passed Wallops Island and saw all the launch pads for unmanned missions to resupply Spacelab and a host of other missions. There have been over 1,500 launches since the Mid-Atlantic Regional Spaceport was developed back in 1947. So you don’t need to travel all the way to Florida to see rockets take off. Apparently, you can check out the scheduled launches on the NOAA website. All this on a six-square mile island off the Eastern Shore of Virginia.

Chincoteague Ponies.  As mentioned earlier, I had it in my mind that looking for ponies would be a letdown. As we traveled across the water at a fair clip, I assumed that we would be staring at vacant marsh land. But Captain Nate and the other Daisey boats were in constant communication. There were two ponies spotted and we were off to find them. As we sped towards the coast there were two ponies eating marsh grass oblivious to us encroaching on their space. Captain Nate pointed out into the distance at three other ponies and the Stallion off in the trees. Because we were on a small boat we were able to travel up a shallow creek bed to be less than ten feet from the ponies. There were the unseen ponies from my childhood only feet away. Absolutely magical.

Birds.  There were all manner of birds on the trip. There was a whole set of cormorants drying off their wings as they sat atop moorings in the middle of the water. We rode by only feet away but they sat regally benign to our presence. White crane were fishing in the marshy shallows. Seagulls were flecked among the sky. It felt like nature was conspiring to impress me at every turn.

Shellfish.  We passed by countless oyster beds. Apparently, the beds are leased by fishmongers and we happened to see one group out among the beds harvesting oysters. We came up on one bed and Captain Nate laid down and picked out a mass of oysters. Apparently, they grow on each other’s shells, so the one handful was several oysters, some 5 years old and others less than a year depending on size. He shucked the oyster to reveal an enormous thumb size oyster meat which he promptly ate when everyone on the boat turned it down. We also rode by clams resting in the sea water in crates; apparently, a catch being kept for future shipment.

I never imagined that there would be so much so much to see and take in. If you ever get to the eastern shore of Virginia, I highly recommend a boat trip to Assateague Island.

I’ve written about the silence retreat I attended over Labor Day weekend not once, but twice. I had several people ask me about the more long-term effects of the retreat. I’m going to address what I believe to be the long-term effects, but I also found I have put other routines into place that have caused a change in my life. In fact, a bigger change in my life has been my daily kriya meditation practice, which lasts about 25 to 30 minutes. It’s hard to identify exclusively what impact the retreat had, but there is still insight to be gained.

Most people that I know are scared off by meditation. They believe it’s only for monks, yogis and gurus. They don’t think they can ever “quiet their mind”. I have been practicing one form of meditation or another for over five years. I have done everything from a body scan, where you tighten and relax various parts of your body; a loving kindness meditation, a meditation where you send out loving kindness to loved ones, enemies, and acquaintances; and now, I practice Sudarshan Kriya Focus, which is a breathing meditation where you put your body in certain positions to increase energy. The main difference with my current practice is that it lasts upwards of 30 minutes, whereas my prior meditation practices were ten minutes or less.

So this is what I believe the long term effects of a silence retreat are:

1. Focus.  I feel like I am much better able to focus. During the retreat, we were not allowed to use our phones, read books or watch television. With distractions gone, I discovered I was able to focus quicker and have carried that forward in my daily life. I’ve made a concerted effort, like right now on a Sunday morning, to have my phone in another room. Out of sight, out of mind. Distractions are the roadblock to focus. They eat up valuable time. Perhaps it’s the daily meditation, or the fact that I am in a completely quiet room with nothing to lure me away, but I am able to write and focus more quickly. There are no bings, pings or beeps to entice me away. I am now more focused.

2. Technology-free.  I realize I am writing this on a computer, but there is nothing open on my desktop, and my phone is some 50 feet away. During the silence retreat, I left my phone in the vestibule of the ashram. When you part with technology for the better part of two and half days, it makes it easier to part with it going forward. I remember a speaker I saw recently who said that just the mere presence of a phone at a meeting or appointment is distracting. It shows a sign of disrespect. Like something more important and urgent could invade the space at any moment. I definitely think through when I bring my phone with me now. Being more technology free allows me to be present.

3. Peaceful.  Part of what brought me to the retreat and the kriya practice was the aftermath of putting my house back together post Hurricane Matthew. It was and is an enormous stress both physically and financially. It’s still not “finished.” The practice has helped me through the ebbs and flows of the decisions, as well as the patience required to get through a most challenging time. I think of the metaphor “water off a duck’s back”. I’m better able to let things roll off and be at peace.

4. Cope.  I almost feel like I have shock absorbers attached to my brain. I don’t want to bore you with the litany of disruptions and unexpected turns over the last twelve months but it’s been monumental. Whether it’s requests for help, a loss of a business opportunity and an end to a partnership, I’ve weathered it all. I don’t get as rattled and I certainly don’t react in the same manner. I have the view that “this too shall pass.” Everything that can be bad has a flip side that can be good. Even if your power is out, you will have a lower power bill. And you’ve gained silence from the roar of daily life. There is a silver lining to everything. Finding that silver lining has helped me cope.

5. Simplicity.  In the past, I had a way of making everything more complicated that it had to be. Over the last month, I have been decluttering my house. If it’s not an absolute “yes”, it’s a “no.” I have been boxing up family heirlooms and sending them to those who will truly appreciate it. So far, I have an empty attic (yes, empty), empty linen closet and my spice drawer is still alphabetized. There is order, but it is beautiful in its simplicity. I continue to cull out the non-crucial items every day. I still have the Lego airplane my son built some thirteen years ago and a pillow painted by daughter that says “I love you.” There are still treasures I hold onto. But the extra set of china, the unmatched socks and Sizzler training manuals from twenty years ago are now either trash or someone else’s treasure. I continue to lighten the load from the silence retreat going forward. I’m embracing simplicity.

It’s the chicken and the egg scenario. Which came first? Did I seek out a new meditation practice and silence retreat? Or was I hardwired for it to find me? Regardless of the answer, it has made a profound difference. Is there a change you need to make?