Resentment. Letting go the poison from within.

On July 14, 2013July 14, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Looking back I wonder why I have devoted so much time and contemplation to resentment. I’ve never really worried about “letting it go”. I hold onto it for years, decades, dragging it around like a childhood stuffed bear. I can’t imagine how much energy I would have if I could be refunded all the time I spend on resentment. Carrie Fisher said it best “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s time to lay off the poison.

I think of resentment like an open mental loop. Like when you’re at lunch with a friend and can’t remember the name of Gary Burghoff’s character in M.A.S.H. It circles in your brain until you finally close the loop when you sit up in bed at 4 AM and say “Radar!” or more likely when you Google it. Resentment just keeps stirring around and around. It saps your ego, your courage and can never seem to be requited. I’m here to tell you, it can be. Want to quit drinking the poison?

Here is the fix:

1. Recreate. Take what you to believe to be reality and recreate it. When you got dumped by that guy fifteen years ago, he really adored you but couldn’t handle your brilliance. That job you got fired from? They knew your business acumen was way beyond their capacity so they set you free. It doesn’t really matter how you recreate it so long as you put it in a positive light. Focus on the upside. Recreate your past so that you can let go of it and move forward.

2. Moment. I listen to Dr. Wayne Dwyer each morning when I meditate. One of the affirmations he says every morning is “I know that in each moment I am free to decide”. So if you want to dwell on the past and every grudge you ever had, it’s your choice. I’d recommend looking at what has gone right. Stay out of the limbic brain and focus on the beauty around you. Take each moment as it comes and breathe it in. Skip the past, let go of the future. Be in the moment.

3. Hand off. Transfer the responsibility to a higher power. As Olivia Fox Cabane writes in her book “The Charisma Myth”, “try a responsibility transfer to alleviate anxiety. Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity – the Universe, God, Fate – and entrust it with all the worries in your mind.” Release what is dragging you down and let the almighty power carry the burden. It will definitely lighten your load. Hand off your grudges and move on.

4. Spill. Get out a piece of paper and spill your guts. This is another recommendation from “The Charisma Myth”. Get out a pen and paper (don’t cheat and use the computer, it’s not as effective). Write out all the wrongs, affronts, deceits and slights your nemesis has done to you. Use several pages if need be. Write it all down. Every nasty detail. Purge it out of your system. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. Just get it all out. I actually did this recently and boy did it feel good to get that poison out of my system. Spill your guts.

5. Accept. This is part two of “Spill”, Accept An Apology. Get out a second piece of paper. Now write an apology from the nemesis you just spilled your guts about. Do not cast any blame on yourself in this apology. This is all about your nemesis (ex, boss, coworker, neighbor, etc.) taking responsibility. Address every wrong in the letter. Make sure there are no loose ends. I found this to really set me free. I felt lighter. Content even. Cabane suggests that if you don’t get satisfaction after writing the apology. Read the apology every day until you do. Accept the apology and move forward.

I have to say this has worked for me. I really do spend less energy on the past, the grudge, the resentment. There might be one or two old ties that creep into my brain once in a while but letting go has propelled me forward. Quit drinking the poison and let go.

What are you resenting?

Unresolved Conflict: The Elephant in the Room

On July 7, 2013July 7, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

As a restaurant owner and Human Resource professional over the past 20 plus years, I’ve seen plenty of unresolved workplace conflict. It’s like the kitchen garbage can with rotting shrimp shells in the bottom; everyone smells it but no one wants to deal with it. So we let it fester and things fester.

Blood pressure rises, people start avoiding each other, less eye contact; our mind goes wild with what we figure the other person is thinking. We think we know their true motivation as the paranoia mounts.

There were countless times I was brought in to end the avoidance….to get to the bottom of the smelly mess. So how do you handle the conflict? Here are some tried and true maneuvers:

1. Timing is everything. Don’t talk to someone when they just get back from vacation and are buried in email and return phone calls. Give them a day or two to dig out and take a temperature check. Read their body language. A little tension in the shoulders? Using short curt sentences? Relax and wait. Sense of humor is back? Just got a great sales report? This might be your opening.

2. Privacy. This cannot be emphasized enough. Don’t bring up the smelly issue in front of or within ear shot of any other human being. Never. Ever. Their listening skills will be out to lunch and their blood pressure will shoot up. No one likes to be embarrassed and if there is even the slightest chance that UPS delivery guy might walk by; relax and wait.

3. Facts. Research your smelly issue thoroughly. No hunches. No assumptions. No jumping to conclusions. Do your best reconnaissance, you watch CSI, investigate. This is especially true in the “he said, she said, they said and we said” type of smelly issue. Find any and all witnesses and alleged witnesses (I can’t tell you how many times in a harassment investigation that the “alleged witness” wasn’t even at work that day). Don’t go at fact finding to just make sure you are“right”.

4. Suspend Assumptions. This goes closely with #3 but it’s imperative that you don’t decide the other person’s motivation; their ulterior motives. You’ll have them being one step below Bernie Madoff if you’re not careful. Empty your head of all your negative stereo types, like “Joe is always out for himself” or “Suzy is out to get me”. Really? You know all that? As Byron Katie says at her website “the work”, “Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” Turn off mister ego and shut down your assumption machine.

5. Craft. Think it through. How are you going to broach the subject? Maybe test the waters with another agenda item that isn’t confrontational like “I want to thank you for your help on the turnover report. It really saved me some time and I got a chance to work on a more pressing project”. A sincere, specific compliment is a nice lead in. I can hear you nay-sayers out there…but I can’t think of anything nice to say. Revisit #4. Phrase the issue in terms of the other person’s viewpoint. What is a reasonable explanation for their egregious act? Give them an out like, “I’m sure you didn’t realize that when I was excluded from the finance team, I felt like you didn’t trust me”, or “I don’t think you are aware but when you told Suzy about the layoff plan, she assumed her job was in jeopardy”. Think it through and craft the one or two sentences (no more) to summarize and present the smelly issue at hand (stay away from Never, Always and Should).

6. Love. What are you crazy? Love my co-worker, boss, workplace nemesis? I don’t know why it works but if you decide you love someone, even your worst enemy ,the whole thing just works better. Maybe it’s ch’i, but mentally embracing the other person (do not do this literally…for obvious reasons) helps you to be open to the possibilities; love your enemy. Bob may never include you on the email with the financial reports but if you love him, it dampens down the resentment and blasts open the possibility of resolution. This also helps with #4.

7. Do it. When you have completed the preceding steps; just do it. Have the conversation. Stay open minded and believe in a positive outcome. Sometimes, OK a lot of times, it’s a complete surprise to the other person. But it’s amazing how often people tip toe around an issue, especially a smelly one, and the offending person, had no idea that they angered you or that several people were avoiding them. Most of the time people don’t realize how they are perceived and want to do their best. Nine times out of ten, they apologize. Give them the chance.

This might be messy the first, second or third time around. But this is going to build trust in the long run. You will be the Go-To person for conflict resolution and honest constructive feedback. Slay the elephant.

Let me know what you think. What workplace conflict are you dealing with?

The Eeyore Effect. Don’t Mess with My Chi.

On June 30, 2013July 13, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

“There are those who will wish you good morning. If it is a good morning, which I doubt” -Eeyore.

Sometimes I feel like the world is awash with Eeyores. You know, the glass half empty people. The punch list for the year long project has 100 items on it and all but one is checked off. We focus on the one incomplete item and gnash our teeth. Really? Only one box left to check off and we are failures? Quit messing with my chi.

What in the world do we do with these folks? How do we dig out from the negative muck they produce on a daily basis? Let’s pull up our boot straps or sandal straps (does anyone have boot straps any more?) and figure out how to bring some positivity into the work place and your life. Let’s figure out how to maintain some sunshine for the rest of us.

Here are some tips:

1. Losada Ratio. Dr. Marcial Losada created and studied this ratio of positive to negative messages within relationships and organizations. What he found was that organizations that have 2.9 or more positive messages over negative messages thrive. Those that fall below fail. In a marriage, it’s got to be 5.0 or better (thanks for emptying the garbage, Honey). So if you want your business or relationship to thrive, stick a sock in it and start pumping some sunshine.

2. Gratitude. Many author’s including Martin Seligman in the book “Flourish” recommend a gratitude journal or as he says “What went well”. I do this. Everyday before I go to sleep, I write three things that went well. I have to believe that it improves my dreams because right before I put my head on the pillow, I’m thinking about all that went right. It’s not like it’s gotta be “I climbed Mt. Everest”. It could be “I got dressed” or “I made it to work on time”. Focus on the positive.

3. Scenarios. Reframe the scenario. We all tend to focus on the negative. If we make a change, the project will be delayed. If it rains, the grass can’t be mowed. Our limbic system makes us focus on the negative. In “Flourish”, Martin Seligman suggests looking at the worst case scenario, but then looking at the best case scenario, and then looking at the most likely scenario. The project might be late but it will serve twice the amount of customers. The grass will grow… and the flowers as well. When your coworker starts catastrophizing the outcome, ask about the best and most likely scenario.

4. Outcomes. Ask your friend about what his best outcome would be. Focus on The What that he’s interested in. So Joe, “what would you like to see happen with this project?” “What can you control in this situation?” “What would make you feel like you accomplished something?” As David Rock espouses, focus on solutions (and stay clear of the problems). Keep it outcome based.

5. Hood. If you are living in the 100 Aker Wood, stay clear of Eeyore’s Gloomy Place (rather boggy and sad). Watch what neighborhood you hang out in. If it’s obvious that your household or your organization is on the low end of the Losada Ratio, pitch in and turn it around or move on. In the long run, if you sitting around all the gloom and bogginess, eventually the organization won’t be there or the relationships that brought the house together won’t be either. And if you seek out a new “hood”, make sure you are taking the temperature (or feeling the vibe) of a potential new “hood”. If you see any donkeys, move on.

If it turns out the Eeroye is a really important irreplaceable person in your life, say your child or your parent; it might be time for a frank discussion. Explain the impact it’s having on your life or your “chi”. Sometimes they just don’t realize how they are being perceived and their impact on those around them.

How do you deal with the Eeroyes in your life?

Advice-Giving. The Ultimate Buzz Kill.

On June 23, 2013June 22, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I think we all know this. Unconsciously. We’ve told our spouse how to load the dishwasher, our assistant how to set up the report, or (God forbid) told our teenage son how to drive a car. And there is there is the eye roll. The exasperated sigh. Once you start giving the how…all engines shut down. Buzz. Kill.

If you think about it – where is the engagement, the decision making, the buy in; the autonomy in someone else telling you how? Dr. Srinivasan Pillay explains this in his book, Your Brain and Business. According to Dr. Pillay, “brain imaging shows that when advice is given, it “offloads” the value of the decision options from the listener’s brain, so that there are no correlations between brain activation and attributed value when advice is given, as compared to when it is not given…that is, advice turns the brain of the listener “off”.

Whoa. I need to rethink my next road trip with my 17 year old at the wheel. So if I tell him to “put both hands on the wheel” or “slow down”. It is shutting his brain down. Not a good thing when traveling down the freeway at 55 miles an hour.

I am the same way. I had a coach tell me what goal I was working on for the next two weeks and I felt myself slide back on my heels. I didn’t lift a finger towards the goal; not a finger.

OK. So how do I stop giving unwanted, unsolicited, mind-shutting-down advice?

These are the FOUR Not so Easy Steps:

1. Listen. Isn’t this always the first step? Is your spouse just really venting about the frustrations of the day? Do they really just want some understanding? a comforting smile and nod? instead of you jumping in with a 25 step guide on how to fix their problem.

2. Ask. Use open-ended questions like “what do you want to do?” or “what options do you have?” Having the listener give you their ideas creates buy in and helps them brainstorm their own options. Guess which idea will have the most weight? Yup, their idea.

3. Don’t Judge. Unless they are asking for feedback…don’t jump in and start giving them all your wisdom. If they ask for the feedback, give it constructively and sparingly.

4. Brainstorm. If it’s going no where and the listener can’t seem to decide or is requesting your wisdom, ask for permission to brainstorm. In brainstorming, there is no “how” or “wrong answer”. Just throw out some off the wall ideas and see if the listener can glean their own answer or muddle their own idea from piecing together different ideas. Making them their own. Don’t take the lead. Or there will be no buy in, no finger lifting.

Doesn’t this make you wonder why “Dear Abby” was so popular for so many years? Did anyone ever really take her advice? Was the column there just for all of us armchair advice givers to live vicariously through Abby?

So I have to say, I try to keep my mouth shut when my son is driving. Instead of advice, I say, “I got snagged for going 15 over the speed limit here. Did you know those tickets are over $200?” I’m just telling a story. Enlightening him on my experience. It’s not easy but I must say it’s a much less frustrating experience and he usually slows down. Keep your advice to yourself.

Appreciation. A lesson from my Dad.

On June 16, 2013June 15, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

I posted this over a year ago and I felt like it was appropriate to repost on Father’s Day in appreciation of all the lessons my Dad has taught me. Enjoy.

There isn’t a conference I attend or a book that I read that does not bring up the importance of appreciation. It’s critical to everything: employee engagement, marriage, child rearing, influencing others and business success. Appreciation is the root to success in all things. But where is it? Dig into your pockets and see if you have had your full load of appreciation today. It’s doubtful. Unfortunately, it’s the road less traveled. Showing appreciation is that disappearing path in the woods that is covered in brush and kudzu. Most just don’t bother.

When I was younger, my mother cooked for my family every night without fail. My father complimented her on her cooking prowess every night without fail. There we were, the five of us, sitting at the table as a family and with the first bite, my dad always said, “Hmm, honey, this is good.” This could be part of the reason she cooked every night. She knew she would be appreciated.

Dale Carnegie, Tom Rath, Marshall Goldsmith, Stephen Covey, Gary Chapman and Patrick Lencioni (plus countless others) have all touted the benefits of appreciation. And the benefits are countless. So let me give you a few pointers on how to start down that road.

1. Notice. You are going to need to pay attention to the world around you. Awareness of what is going on, or not going as the case may be, is the first step. Did your son actually put all his clothes away without any hesitation? Did your husband mow the lawn or finally replace that light bulb in the bedroom? Has your assistant updated that monthly report you haven’t looked at in three months? If you aren’t paying attention, you will not have the opportunity to appreciate.

2. Value. It’s the little things that matter. The chore I hate the most in my life is emptying the garbage. It’s a little thing. It takes all of 3 minutes to haul the garbage bag out to the trashcan, but I loathe doing it. So when I run across an emptied garbage can, it is a gift. If the implementation team worked extra hours over the weekend to make the new software seamless first thing on Monday morning, it is a gift. If I value it as a gift, then I know I will appreciate it. My dad valued a hot, home cooked meal and he showed his appreciation.

3. Spontaneous. Appreciation is not very effective if you drag your feet before you give appreciation. OK, so for a wedding gift, I think the etiquette books give you up to a year—not true with the receptionist’s new haircut. If you wait on complimenting her for, well, a year, it turns out to be kind of pointless. If you love that color blouse on someone, tell them. If you just realized that the dishwasher was emptied by the dishwasher elf (…the only person in my house that would do that is my dear sweet lovable husband), make sure you thank them (him).

4. Gossip. There is nothing better than to hear that someone else spoke highly of you. This happened to me this week and, frankly, prompted me to write this post. A colleague of mine met, by happenstance, a Rotary friend of mine. The colleague told me how my Rotary friend had been singing my praises as a Rotarian. Wow. If that isn’t the best appreciation to get…through a little gossip.

5. Park it. Your ego, that is. If you are worried about getting a compliment in return, this will not work. If you come strutting in to the office with your new Jimmy Choo wedges, and start working your way down cubicle row complimenting everyone’s shoes; it will be obvious that it is more about you than them. The appreciation faucet works best if it’s running in one direction…and that is towards others with no expectation of anything in return. If you don’t park your ego, it could appear as if you are not sincere.

6. Bask in it. This is going to feel good. Being an appreciator is like being a ray of sunshine. You never know who you are going to run into that you get to shine that light on but it is really gratifying. Paying it forward with one compliment at time.

So go out there and take a few steps down the road of appreciation. See how many steps you can take each day. As Ellen always says, “Be kind to one another…”

Interesting but Not Useful

On June 11, 2013June 11, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

I’m not sure this is a tenet of the NeuroLeadership Group or if master facilitator Paul McGinniss coined this phrase. Heck, it may have been Albert Einstein who said it first. Regardless, it’s a great concept. I was working with my coach, Steven Starkey, this week and he corrected himself by saying “interesting but not useful”. It caught me off-guard. Wow do I spend a lot of time on interesting but not useful. It really cuts out the fluff and drama in daily life if you focus on the useful.

Imagine focusing on what is useful in your daily conversations. You know – if you stayed on track and didn’t go meandering into all the juicy details so you could raise your coworker’s eyebrows and if you stayed on message instead of whispering all the sensationalized (perhaps exaggerated) tidbits. We wouldn’t need a water cooler anymore. Going to work could be less Soap Opera and more DIY. What is the use in gossip if we are staying focused on solutions? Seems daunting, doesn’t it?

Here are some tips on focusing on the useful and steering clear of the interesting:

1. Solutions. Keep focused on solutions. As espoused by the NeuroLeadership Group, staying solution-focused keeps the conversation out of the drama and details and moving forward. It’s good for your limbic system. If you can keep it from lighting up, you are going to move mountains. Fear shuts people down. Reward or positive energy keeps people motivated. Keep it solution based.

2. Listen. William Shakespeare said “Listen to many, speak to a few”. Being present and listening will bring you a wealth of information. Granted, there will be a lot of drama and details in that information. But it will help you cull through to find the useful. When you do the lion’s share of the speaking, it’s easy to go off track into the interesting and not useful. Practice listening.

3. Silence. Be comfortable with silence. I had a coaching client yesterday who really needed to digest and think. I sat there in silence. Listening to the clock tick. Counting to 20 in my head. Biting my tongue. He had a breakthrough. If I had interrupted to “fill the silence”, he wouldn’t have had the breakthrough to find the useful. Accept and embrace silence.

4. Generous. Be generous with your attention. It’s always about them. Them as in, your boss, your assistant, your coworker, your spouse, your child, your client. Focus on what is useful for them. The greatest gift you can give is your attention. Give your attention generously.

5. No judgment. Unless you are in court, and behind the bench, don’t judge. Take some time today to listen to how often you hear judgmental statements. “Can you believe?”, “I don’t understand why?”, “Did you hear…”. Or worse yet when people put themselves down or limit themselves. “I’m horrible at this”, “I’ll never be able to…”, “I can’t…” Judgment is negativity in disguise. Optimism is the road to the useful.

6. Bless his heart. When you hear this in the Southern United States, run. Whatever is coming next is not going to be positive. This is the southern, gentile way of saying, “I’m about to run the bus over someone.” This makes whoever is saying it feel superior to whoever they are blessing. It’s apologizing before you put someone down. Stand clear.

I’m not suggesting that it’s not fun to do interesting but not useful things. I was an avid Sudoku player for a while and I am an Anthony Bourdain addict, although I doubt I’ll be eating at a roadside stand in Myanmar anytime soon. The point is that if you want to get something done and have more productive conversations, focus on the useful instead of the interesting.

Dogs, Pink Jackets and Lessons on Leadership

On June 4, 2013June 2, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

Dogs are amazing at reflecting back what humans’ desire. Most of us treat our pets like they are part of the family but I think my dog, Baci, thinks that she is an employee and a damn good one. My relationship with her has taught me as much as any off-site training or college course. Our relationship is simple and can guide you in your relationships at work.

1. Trust. Baci expects her meals to be timely and fair. She’s the first one to speak up if the kibbles are late to the bowl. My employees and customers expect the same when it comes to compensation, goods or services. You better be on time and accurate or there will be attrition.

2. Appreciation. There isn’t a dog who doesn’t demand their belly scratched once, twice, countless times a day. Your coworkers, boss or clients want the same “scratch” but I doubt they are up front about asking for it. Show them appreciation and more frequently than they expect.

3. Dutiful. Baci has very clear duties at the Graham House, keep it free of all squirrels, geese and lizards. She does an outstanding job. I am confident that she is on duty no matter what. We haven’t had squirrels take up residence, so I know she is on top of her game. You should have the same confidence in those who surround you at work. It’s best to assume they have your best interest at heart; that they are looking out for you. If some squirrels move in, then clarify what your expectations are.

4. Perspective. Baci has a different lens. She views things from ground level. I might be cutting up raw beef on the kitchen counter or potting a plant. She doesn’t care except for whatever falls on the floor and hopefully it’s the former. Your clients, cohorts and boss all have a different perspective and some are from the penthouse and others are in the basement. Make sure you know their perspective if you end up dropping something.

5. Attention. I admit that I lose sight of Baci’s priorities when I’m in my office concentrating on work. Sometimes I get up from my desk to find her sprawled at my feet and surrounded by her army of toys. She has carefully brought each toy as a gift while I wasn’t paying attention. Are your direct reports doing the same? Showing up early, staying late, working extra hours on that overdue project…are you paying attention?

6. Needs. Baci is exasperating at times. She can’t decide if she wants in or out, to sit on my lap or my husband’s; upstairs or down. Are your clients fickle and difficult to figure out? Are they changing their minds and causing you frustration. They are taking the cue from your guidelines and how malleable you are (I give in more easily than my husband on letting Baci in or out). Are you meeting your clients’ needs or tuning them out?

7. Team player. I love to dress up Baci. And she is happy to oblige (ok…I’m not sure she’s happy). Whether it’s some Halloween monstrosity or a pink rain jacket that I happen to think is cute; she patiently shows up to be the team player; poses for pictures and moves on. I bet there are things your co-workers put up with just because you think it’s cute or critical. Are you letting them put on that pink rain jacket once in a while?

Animals teach us humility, patience and appreciation. Maybe it’s time we apply those lessons to the human race.

What has your pet taught you?

Gotcha Management

On May 28, 2013May 26, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator1 Comment

This is the first cousin to the Tyrant and leads to pointing fingers and silo building. It’s the story of the boss who pulls the rug out from under her team to point out all their flaws. It’s when the status quo is suddenly way too low and she’s going to make sure you are shown the error of your ways. It’s kind of like, if suddenly cops actually started pulling you over for driving 60 miles an hour in a 55 speed zone. You’re saying to yourself, “Really? It’s only 5 miles over the speed limit. I’ve been driving like this for 30 years and now you’re going to start issuing tickets?”

The Gotcha boss feels emboldened because they have “such high standards”. She feels like she’s really calling the shots and making folks tow-the-line. In the meantime, her team is living in fear and not producing. They are constantly struggling to CYA and quickly pointing the finger at the rest of the team members so that everyone else ends up low person on the totem pole. All the other bosses start building up their silos so that the fingers don’t start getting pointed in their direction. Ah yes. There is safety with a thick, high wall between departments.

So what do you do if you are unfortunate enough to report to such a boss? Here are some tips:

1. Open. Keep open communication. If your boss is always busy and won’t make time for you, send an email. Subject line: Can we meet for ten minutes on the following? In the body of the email: list the bullet points of what you’d like to discuss. This gives your boss a heads up as to what the discussion is about. They get to prepare (if they need to) and don’t feel blindsided when you finally get the meeting. If your boss isn’t defensive, the communication will be more effective. Keep communication channels open.

2. Solution Focus. Don’t dwell on the details and drama. When you bring an issue to your boss, bring the solution with you. It’s best to bring three options. Three? Well, the first option is easy, the status quo. Option one is to keep on doing what we are doing: “Let’s keep the budget sequence the same and live with some being turned in late”. Option two is your desired outcome: “Let’s move up the deadline by two weeks and I’ll be responsible for following up with late comers”. Option three can be a stretch or your best case scenario but you’re not sure the boss will go for it: “Let’s schedule a meeting one week before the deadline to go over everyone’s budget which will reinforce completing it on time”. When there are three solutions, your boss won’t feel like it’s an ultimatum and will feel more in control. Focus on the solutions.

3. Sword. You might need to fall on the sword. Take responsibility for your part in the mess. “Boss, I didn’t follow up on those budget reports the way I should have. It’s my fault that 50% missed the deadline.” This might ensure that the rest of the team isn’t blind-sided and it should built authenticity if not trust with your boss. I’m not saying that there isn’t a slice of the boss population out there that might abuse this but, if that’s the case; it might be time to update your resume. In the meantime, fall on the sword.

4. Optimism. Stay optimistic. Focus on what is working. It might be that we aren’t losing as much money as we did last year or that sales are flat but we aren’t losing ground. It might be that you’ve retained your customer base or that your employee turnover rate is holding steady. Find some nugget of good and emphasize the positive. As I have pointed out in previous posts, staying positive is the best for your brain and build better, stronger pathways to solutions. Be optimistic.

5. Spine. You’re gonna need a backbone. Don’t cave if it’s something you believe in. Explain the rationale in your thinking to your Gotcha boss. If she can’t point out some flaws in your thinking, then remain steadfast. Sometimes you just need to go with your gut and stand up for what you believe in. If the boss doesn’t back you, work on your Linkedin profile and plan your escape. Have a backbone.

These tips can help those of you who need a strategy to improve your relationship with your boss. Some strategies won’t work. Many years ago I worked for a boss who didn’t have my back and I was put in a precarious ethical situation with the corporate office. I planned my escape and got out. All the advice in the world isn’t going to fix an unethical situation. Some Gotcha bosses can be turned around if you give it a try.

Gotcha Management

On May 26, 2013June 22, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

So what do you do if you are unfortunate enough to report to such a boss? Here are some tips:

Is This Your Brain on Venting?

On May 21, 2013May 20, 2013 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

So it turns out that venting is bad for your brain. Is nothing sacred? I like to complain once in a while; unload all of my jabs and retorts in a long diatribe on how I’ve been wronged by a coworker or whomever. Just ask my husband. I’m really good at rehashing every dirty detail. But you know what? You are embedding your neuro-pathways with bad messages. You are reinforcing the way you see the world and entrenching a poor mindset.

During the Results Based Coaching training by the NeuroLeadership Group, the facilitator, Paul McGinniss said “Venting is like pouring gasoline on the problem”. That’s a powerful metaphor. If you think about it, aren’t you just reliving the emotional roller coaster and rehashing the same problem. In David Rock‘s book, Quiet Leadership, he writes, “Unfortunately, drama is a place where many people in organizations are stuck and find it hard to get out of on their own”. You’re in a closed loop and running over the same territory. This will not help you take a step forward or start building new connections. You will not find solutions while venting.

So here are some ideas on how to move off the venting loop and onto a more solutions based focus:

1. Empathy. Respond to the complaint with empathy. This is a key principle from DDI, “listen and respond with empathy.” The minute you label the feeling someone is conveying to you, let them know your heard them and that it’s time to move on. “I hear you are frustrated because you didn’t get the raise you wanted” or “I understand you’re disappointed because your boss didn’t use your idea”. End of loop. The complainer has been heard. To move on – Use Empathy.

2. Example. Set the example. If you sit around pissing and moaning all day, so will your coworkers, family members and friends. So stop. If you must complain that there is a thunderstorm in the middle of your outdoor wedding; say you are upset with the weather and move on. Dwelling on it isn’t going to change the weather. Be the optimist and set the example.

3. Ideas. Ask for some ideas. Become solution focused. So when your coworker is angry at their boss because she didn’t include him on the safety committee, ask “What do you want to do about that?” If you are dealing with a chronic whiner, they will end the conversation and seek out other chronic whiners. If they are willing to look for solutions; you have just helped them move on to new pathways. You’ve helped break the loop. Help people find some new ideas.

4. New club. This might mean joining a new club. The complainers club is enormous and omnipresent in the world of work. You might need to hang out with a more optimistic bunch and the pickings might be slim. The glass half full folks are probably smiling and approachable. The half empty folks are gossiping and driving the bus over all their co-workers when their back is turned. You know if they talk about everyone else, they are talking about you. Stay away and join a new club.

5. Silence. When folks start their complaining and look for reassurance, keep silent. Complainers aren’t really happy unless you are chiming in with agreement. Don’t add fuel to the fire. Let them build their own fires and walk away. If you aren’t willing to be sucked into their drama, they will find someone else who is more willing. According to an article by Melinda Zetlin called Listening to Complainers is Bad for Your Brain, “Research shows that exposure to 30 minutes or more of negativity–including viewing such material on TV–actually peels away neurons in the brain’s hippocampus.” “That’s the part of your brain you need for problem solving,” Trevor Blake says. “Basically, it turns your brain to mush.” Keep silent and walk away.

6. Bite. You’re going to need to bite your tongue. If you start down the road of complaining, take a different direction. So what if your team just lost? It happens. Don’t complain about the blind ref or the guy who cheated, try “gee wasn’t the weather just great” or “we had really good seats”. Take the high road. Over time, you’ll start having folks in your club. People are attracted to optimism. They might just want to build some of their brain cells with you. Share the wealth and bite your tongue on negativity.

This post was difficult to write because my husband is likely to hold me accountable for this information. I hope I can live up to his expectations and look forward to giving up my venting and to start building those brain cells.