Category: Cathy Noice

🤨How to Stop Undermining Your Speech

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When I recently read Playing Big by Tara Mohr, the biggest takeaway for me was her tip on empowering your speech, or rather, how to stop minimizing your voice. When I read all the ways that women in particular minimize their speech, it was a gut check for me.  There were several, in other words, words and phrases that I was using on a consistent basis. It’s a subtle habit that developed over time that I wasn’t even aware of. Mohr shone a spotlight on it.

How to stop undermining your speech:

Hedging.  I have to say that some of these hedges became apparent to me in my last few years as a Human Resource professional.  When you lead an organization from a people perspective, you send out a lot of emails.  It started to bother me when I would write, “Just a reminder to get your annual reviews in” or “This is actually overdue” or “This is kind of late.” I didn’t realize at the time but according to Mohr, this is hedging. I think of it as holding something at arm’s length so that no one gets mad at me.  It’s an effort to distance myself from a request so that I can walk into the cafeteria later without feeling like everyone is running to hide or staring daggers at me. It feels like softening so I don’t ruffle feathers. Mohr posits that just, actually, kind of and almost are all hedges. I have to say that it is far easier to review my word choice in an email than in a conversation.  Stay away from hedging.

Apologizing. This is when I try and excuse myself from existence. It’s like “don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the corner and not bother anybody.”  Mohr writes that “sorry, but”, “a little bit” and “just a minute” are all ways of apologizing. These are all ways of devaluing your voice. I am a recovering over apologizer and the antidote to “Sorry I’m late” is “Thanks for your patience.” The antidote to “I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself” is “I’d like to tell you about myself.” The antidote to “I need just a minute to review the reports” is “I need to review the reports.” When I take these apologizing words out of my lexicon, I’m able to take up more space and own my voice. Stop apologizing.

Qualifying phrases. When I was the only woman on an executive team, I used qualifying phrases constantly.  Things like “I could be wrong, but…” or “Maybe it’s just me, but…” or “This might sound crazy, but…” Prefacing my well thought-out, well-founded idea with these phrases was teeing me up to be shut down. I realize I did it for my own self-esteem.  I didn’t want it to be “found out” that I was in over my head so why not minimize my opinion? If it got shot down then it was just one of Cathy’s silly ideas…shots in the dark. No harm, no foul. Using qualifying phrases made me feel safe because if anyone criticized me, I had already minimized the idea anyway.  Of course, half the time a man at the table would say my idea without the qualifying and suddenly it was brilliant. The most habitual phrase I say as a coach is, “Does that make sense?” This makes me sound like I’m incoherent or that the idea is too outlandish or that the coachee isn’t smart enough to follow my thinking.  I’ve started asking “What are your thoughts” instead. Watch your qualifying phrases.

Undermining Structures.  These structures fall into three categories, Uptalking, Clause after clause (without periods in speech) or Substituting a question for a statement.  Uptalking is when you raise your voice at the end of sentence almost making it a question instead of a statement.  As Mohr wrote, “Research on uptalk shows that listeners think the uptalker is not sure what she is saying is relevant or valuable to the discussion at hand.” So, I’m devaluing my voice by raising it up at the end of the sentence.  Clause after clause is when there is a long run-on sentence which is nothing but clauses like “We are working on this, it’s been difficult, which makes it hard to project, although we have the funding, but there are some uncertainties.” The answer to the word salad is to create sentences and take a breath between each one.  Mohr says,” Some theorists postulate that women also rush because they tend to be interrupted more often than men and develop the coping strategy of rushing so that way are less likely to be interrupted during pauses.” The last undermining structure is making a statement into a question. I’ve done the double whammy of saying a statement with uptalk so that it sounds like a question. “We should start on this in July (?)” So it sounds like a statement but because of the uptalk, now it’s a question. If I constantly asks questions instead of making statements, it sounds like I don’t have a clear point of view. I’m constantly seeking validation for my ideas. Take a look at the structure of your speech.

I remember when I read this section of the book. I was overwhelmed. I saw myself in each of the examples. It’s also tied to wanting to come across as humble, agreeable and pleasant.  Mohr suggests putting warmth into conversation and emails by engaging in pleasantries and connecting personally.  So, it’s fine to connect with “I hope you’re having a great day or have a great weekend,” just don’t stand back from your thoughts and opinions. I took on one item at a time. Currently, I’m working on not saying “Does that make sense.”  Which will you work on first?

😃5 Tips on a Limitless Mind

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I recently read Jim Kwik’s book, Limitless: Upgrade Your Brain, Learn Anything Faster, and Unlock Your Exceptional Life. As the title suggests, it makes a bold promise and I was pretty surprised by my results. For one, I ended up reading twice as fast with just one of his tips and I’ve made strides in the weeks since finishing the book with my ability to remember things. 

Here are my 5 tips on a limitless mind:

My language.  This was an eye opener for me. If I walk around saying I have a bad memory, well, I’ll have a bad memory.  If I walk around saying, I’m a slow reader, well, I’ll be a slow reader. As Henry Ford once said, “If you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” As Kwik writes, “Being aware of how you’re holding yourself back with your self-talk and spending some time to get to the source of these beliefs is extremely liberating, because once you’re aware, you can begin to realize that these aren’t facts about you, but rather opinions. And there’s a very good chance that those opinions are wrong.”  I don’t need to be telling myself that I have limits.  So instead, I say, “I’m working on improving my memory” or “I’m getting better at reading faster.” The secret is editing the language and self-talk that I use.

Use music.  I’ve always used classical music when I write.  I like to have background music that doesn’t have lyrics (so I don’t start singing along or get distracted).  It also sets the stage for me to write.  If I have classical music going, I know it’s time to get down to business. Andy Anderson wrote for Listen for Life, “Research has shown the benefits of classical music – in particular Mozart and Vivaldi – to help open specific neuron-pathways of the brain to enhance learning.  Orchestras are made up of different types of instruments that produce music rich in overtones, so attending live orchestral concerts could someday be prescribed just like medicine!” Kwik recommends baroque music and it’s 50-80 beats per minute. Music can help one to be limitless.

Pomodoro technique.  This technique was developed by a university student, Francesco Cirillo who had a hard time studying and completing tasks.  He found himself setting a kitchen time (in the shape of a tomato) for initially 10 minutes but eventually 25 minutes.  Pomodoro is Italian for tomato hence the name. He found that working for 25 minutes and then taking a 5-minute break was the secret to ending procrastination and getting things done.  The recommendation is to take at least a 15-minute break after four pomodoros.  The key also is to take an actual break away from your work station.  This helps clear your mind and creates better work.  

Visualize to a better memory.  This is not new to the Limitless book and is a method I am familiar with as my father used this method in the classroom.  You create a mental map of something you do daily like getting out of bed.  So, you envision the alarm, the bedside table, the lamp, the slippers, the robe, the bathroom door, the toothbrush, the toothpaste, etc.  The order of your early morning routine.  Since this is unlikely to change much, you then use that “map” to put a picture of an object or animal or word on each of the stops on your mental map.  I have to say my father always impressed his 5 classrooms of 30 students by having each student’s name memorized by the second day of school. I’m not to that level yet but having a mental map is the ticket to a limitless mind.

Reading speed.  I typically listen to books and I learned to speed up the pace of the book which is an option on my Audible app.  I can get books completed much faster this way.  Kwik also gives guidance on how to measure speed: Reading speed (WPM) = (60/participant time in seconds) × (number of correctly read words in the passage). I read a passage as normal for 2 minutes.  The second time I used Kwik’s suggestion of using my finger on the page quickly gliding past the words.  I was amazed to double my reading speed by this one action. He also says to stop saying the words in my mind. This is a very difficult habit to break but I’m trying.  Everything starts with awareness.  

As with many things, it’s best to start small.  I’ve been working on my language, especially my self-talk and trying to keep the volume on my Inner Critic turned down to a low hum (instead of a cheerleader with a bull horn).  Awareness is the first step.  What would you work on first?

🪁Untethering from Praise and Criticism

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It’s so easy for me to get caught up in what someone says about me.  Good or bad or devastating. To tie my worth to someone else’s words.  To measure myself in someone else’s eyes. One comment about my weight from a family member, whether too thin or too heavy, can cut deeper than any physical cut. In Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big, she writes about the principles of unhooking from praise and criticism.  I found her words to be very insightful and freeing. 

Here are ways to untether from praise or criticism:

Feedback doesn’t tell you about you.  Crazy right?  Feedback is about who delivered the feedback.  So, if someone tells me the project doesn’t have enough detail, it’s more about their need for detail.  If someone tells me, it’s too far to drive, it’s too far for them to drive.  If someone tells me eating plant based isn’t healthy, it isn’t healthy for them. I also think this is about boundary setting as Brene Brown espouses.  If someone criticizes you about not working enough, they resent you because they are unable to set the same boundary.  I do know there is valid feedback that is of use like, “This is too salty” or “That color is lovely on you.” It’s just important to use the lens that whatever feedback you get is more about the other person than you.

Incorporate useful feedback and let go of the rest. I bought my third house when I was 8 months pregnant with my son, Benson. My conservative father told me that a bank would not give me a loan because I was pregnant. I was an entrepreneur and the bread winner in the house and he assumed they would not give me the loan.  I got the loan.  Sweating over whether they would or wouldn’t was not useful. My wonderful editor’s feedback on my blog posts is useful. Criticism from elsewhere of the end-of-life care for my dog was not. As Mohr writes, “Much of the feedback you’ll receive is not important to integrate into your work.  This is especially true for women innovators, change agents and activists.  Some of it is plain old backlash. Some reflects people’s being threatened by or not understanding cutting edge ideas. Some reflects attachment to the old way.” The most important feedback is from your intended audience and decision makers, focus on them. Piece out the feedback that is useful and let go of the rest.

Women who play big get criticized. As written by Mohr, “Think of the women you admire because of the significant impact they’ve made on their communities, their companies, or their industries.  Were they universally adored?  No, to say the least. Women doing or saying anything of substance draw both criticism and praise.  Some people give them a standing ovation and some throw tomatoes.” She suggests reading the book reviews on a woman author you like and to see both the positive and negative reviews. It’s important to remember that no one is universally beloved so don’t let criticism tarnish your shine.

Criticism hurts when it mirrors our own thinking. This is painfully true for me. I had a client last year that didn’t find his coaching time with me to be useful. It was a gut punch. I could have a hundred clients give me amazing reviews and the one guy who didn’t find me useful was crushing.  I have coached hundreds of clients at this point and I’m going to get tied to that one piece of feedback because I think I’m just not a good enough coach? Any weight related comment has the same effect, “You’re too skinny,” or “You could lose some weight.” I am so insecure about my appearance that any comment can send me into a tailspin. If someone doesn’t like my black bean brownies or mushroom risotto?  I could care less.. It’s the areas where I’m already insecure that does the most damage. I have to be diligent not to get hooked on the feedback that mirror my own insecurities.

What’s more important to me than praise? For me, it’s all about figuring out where I want to add value. It’s nice if someone likes my earrings or my new RV but where am I trying to have an impact?  I think of the countless coaches who have achieved their goals of living an intentional life or being a confident, influential leader.  This is where my value is.  Not the scale, or my bank account, or objects in my life.  If one woman travels solo overseas, or quits her toxic working situation or sets new boundaries that bring her peace, that’s where my impact is.  Figure out what impact you want to have in your corner of the world and focus on that.

I remember when I was looking for my replacement in my last job.  One of the candidates said I was a legend in Human Resources.  This was very high praise. It clouded my thinking on the candidate and gave too much weight to their candidacy. I was too hooked on the praise. Praise or criticism clouds my thinking.  What are you more hooked by? Criticism or praise?

🚎My Solo Maiden Voyage

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I ordered my Leisure Travel Van Wonder RL in March of 2021.  It was at the height of the pandemic and they told me it would be a 2 year wait due to supply chain issues. At the time, I was fine with a 2 year wait as I figured it would give me plenty of time to “figure things out.”  Figuring things out like how to travel in a 25-foot RV around the United States and Canada, how to stock it, store it and, most importantly, drive it. Two years turned into almost Three years.  I finally took possession on February 1st, 2024.  

My new RV, Abeona, parked at Jekyll Island Campground

I have camped many times in my life.  My family and I drove across the United States from Delaware to California, to British Columbia and back on an 8-week odyssey when I was 8 years old. My two older brothers and I with my parents hit the road in an old blue Ford station wagon (without air conditioning) with a 26-foot trailer behind it. I had my own bunk and, as I recall, slept outside a lot under a blanket strewn over a rope between two trees (I apparently didn’t think about snakes or bears or other things that move around in the night).  I know we stayed in campgrounds for the most part and that many days were incredibly long. My father was a hero for driving almost the entire way, some 4,000 plus miles. My mother was the other hero. I don’t’ know how she cooked or how big the refrigerator was. I’m sure it was a wet bath (the shower and toilet are combined in a tiny room).  There was no Wi-Fi, no air conditioning or television.  Just a radio and a dining table that folded down into a full-size bed for my parents.  So yes.  Technically I have lived in an RV but, at eight years old, I had no concept on what was involved in driving cross country in an RV.

I have christened my RV as Abeona (goddess of the outward journey).  It can’t hurt to have a goddess looking out for me.  Abeona is equipped with all kinds of bells and whistles compared to the Coachman Trailer we traveled cross country in as a family. There is air conditioning, heater, gas stove, microwave/convection oven, separate toilet and shower, a fridge that is bigger than the one I shared in my freshman dorm and a roomy freezer as well.  There is a Wi-Fi extender and antenna and two (yes, two) televisions. There is seating for four with seat belts and a separate lounge/murphy bed in the back of the RV.  THIS is not my parents travel trailer.  It also has about 20 different systems at work all at once from LED lighting, to lithium batteries, an inverter, a generator, tire systems, fresh water and gray and black tanks.  To say I was overwhelmed after the half day walkthrough at the dealership, is an understatement.  My son and I spent the night in Abeona at the dealership before I drove it home the next day.  I was glad to have the experience of a night in Abeona before heading out into the great wide-open world but regardless of how uncertain and overwhelmed I was, I had to head out.

An issue with any RV that is not meant for 4 seasons (an RV that is insulated to be lived in below freezing) is the fear of freezing pipes.  I didn’t want my brand-new RV to spring a leak in early February in North Carolina where freezing temperatures are the norm.  The dealership helped me figure how to semi-winterize the rig and use the heating system and batteries to keep it warm enough at night.  I quickly set up a three-week trip to get to the warmer temperatures of Tybee Island, GA, Sarasota, FL and Jekyll Island, GA.  On February 10th, Abeona and I headed out and spent our first night on the road together at Santee, SC.  

First of all, I have to say, that if you are going to drive a vehicle that is three times the size of your regular vehicle, driving on Interstate 40 and Interstate 95 is a really good place to start. I left on a Saturday when there wasn’t much traffic and the drive to Santee was about 3 hours so it wasn’t too taxing.  I can’t imagine driving up a steep incline, mountain pass or narrow road on our maiden voyage. I also drove about 5 miles an hour below the limit. I was sensitive to every gust of wind and lurch and objects moving inside the rig. I have learned that I prefer a gas station that is by its lonesome instead of the confusion of a truck stop.  I’ve also learned that Cracker Barrel and rest stops always have some pull through RV parking which makes it really handy for parking. To be able to pull through and not back up is a real gift when on the road.  It’s also nice to just pull off at a rest stop, and in the pouring rain, to not have to get out of the RV to go the bathroom or grab a cold drink. 

It’s been a huge learning curve.  It took me three weeks to truly figure out using the fresh water tank versus tap water from the campground. It turns out that I need to turn OFF the water pump to use the campground water instead of the fresh water tank (along with all the dials being in the correct direction).  I needed beefier, grippier gloves to deal with the sewer hose as well as every electrical hook up (also known as shore power) has a breaker switch that needs to be turned on (all of this seems obvious in retrospect!).  I am constantly saying “righty tighty” to make sure I’m turning things in the correct direction. 

It has truly been a journey and I’m happy to say that I was able to talk to each of my clients via video in all three locations, I was able to see 8 beach front sunrises that were amazing and I did this all while taking hot showers, eating tasty meals and sleeping in a comfortable bed.  By my return home, I was driving the speed limit and brave enough to do an 8-hour travel day.  Abeona is now tucked away in storage until we head out on our next adventure. It took a bit of trial and error, and patience, and turning down the volume on my inner critic, but I did it alone and I’m really proud that I did. 

😳6 Signs You are Hiding

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In Tara Mohr’s terrific book Playing Big, she lovingly calls out that most of us are using various ways to hide.  It’s a procrastination move to delay launch on whatever could propel one forward.    Waiting until one more set of eyes reviews my website, getting one more certification before applying for the “big” job I want or waiting to speak proper Portuguese before heading to Portugal. These are all tactics I use to delay, procrastinate and kick the can down the road just a little bit longer.  These are ways I play small instead of playing Big.

Here are 6 signs you are hiding:

This before That.  This is when I ordain that things must happen in a certain order.  Like I can’t write a blog until I set up a website.  I can’t set up a website until I have claimed a URL. I can’t claim a URL until I get a DBA.  I can’t get a DBA until I get a tax ID.  And on and on and on. Some things can happen concurrently.  Most things don’t need to be in a certain order.  Check your assumptions and shake things up.

Designing at the Whiteboard.  I think of this as designing in isolation.  Take 4 brilliant minds and give them a whiteboard to come up with some great ideas. There may indeed be some great ideas created on the whiteboard; the issue is when you don’t find out what other stakeholders or customers actually want.  Mohr says that’s safe and cozy with the whiteboard because we are not getting feedback from the market or devil’s advocates.  I think it also delays launching because you buy another whiteboard to expand your thinking instead of getting feedback and/or launching.  Don’t just stand in front of the whiteboard, engage.

Perfection. Reid Hoffman said, “If you are not embarrassed by the first version of your product, you launched it too late.” I think this is all about expecting and embracing errors and omissions. My first website, my first blog post, my first coaching client are all lessons in giving up perfection. I could always tinker and polish it a little bit longer but it’s diminishing returns. Perfection is exhaustingly unachievable. Let it go.  Seeking perfection is the “perfect” way to hide.

Not chiming in. This is all about when I listen to everyone else and never give my perspective. I think, as a leader, it’s important to weigh in after everyone else.  I just need to make sure that I weigh in as well.  As Mohr writes, “I’ve seen so many women make this move.  A woman becomes captivated by an idea.  She’s captivated because she’s noticed something missing from the conversation and has something to say.  Yet instead of sharing her own perspective, she creates a project to curate other people’s ideas about it. Give your perspective instead of hiding behind everyone else’s.

Omitting your own story. This is around the fear of being vulnerable.  I think back on telling my sobriety story.  I never shared it for fear that I would be “found out” or that it just wasn’t that interesting. That particular story (which took me 6 years to finally tell), has changed some people’s lives. As Mohr wrote, “Can we resist the fear-based tendency to make our work abstract or overly complex and instead trust that our lived experiences, insights, and natural ideas are enough to bring to the table?” It might be vulnerable.  It might be uncomfortable.  Tell your story anyway.

Believing you aren’t enough.  I was on this conveyor belt for years.  I had, at one time, an alphabet soup of letters after my name for all the various certifications and degrees I had attained. I coach women all day who want one more degree or certification or training before they take the leap.  Yes, it’s a great idea to learn and network.  As Mohr posits, “Talented women with a dream believe that they need another degree, training, or certification because they are not “enough” as they are.  They look to an external qualification to give them a sense of internal permission to lead and create.” You have permission.  You are enough.  Go lead and prosper!

Growth can be uncomfortable.  It’s OK to be uncomfortable. Get out from behind your hiding spot and feel the rain, or the beating sun or the gust of wind.  Do it scared.  Be seen.

🫣6 Tips to Slaying Self-Doubt

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I’ve been traveling in a new Recreational Vehicle for the last three weeks.  I have never driven or set up an RV in my life.  I have been racked with self-doubt to the point of feeling sick the evening before I set out on my solo trip in February.  We all have times when self-doubt rears its ugly head.  There is no immunity but thanks to a great book by Tara Mohr called Playing Big, there are ways to address it.

Tara points out that the Inner Critic (the cheerleader for self-doubt) is not realistic thinking.  The Inner Critic makes pronouncements while Realistic Thinking has curiosity.  The Inner Critic has no evidence while Realistic Thinking gathers evidence to inform conclusion. The Inner Critic thinks in terms of black and white while Realistic Thinking sees all manner of gray. The Inner Critic is repetitive and problem focused and Realistic Thinking is forward thinking and solution focused.  When you really think about the Inner Critic it’s just about turning the volume down so that you can listen to Realistic Thinking.

Here are the 6 tips to slaying self-doubt:

Label it. As with most change it’s all about awareness.  So, when you hear your critic talking you need to recognize that it’s the Inner Critic.  “Cathy, that’s your Inner Critic talking.”  Sometimes I start by thinking “the story I’m telling myself which should really be “the story the Inner Critic is telling is…” Label your critic so you are aware when it sneaks in. 

Third Person.  It’s helpful to separate from the Inner Critic. The easiest, handiest way is to put it in the third person.  So don’t say, “I’m freaking out here” or “I’m not mechanically inclined” to “The Inner Critic is freaking out” or “The Inner Critic thinks I’m not mechanically inclined”.  It’s like putting the critic in its place away from between your ears. Put the Inner Critic in the third person. 

Create a character.  This works in concert with making the Inner Critic in the third person.  It’s unmasking their hold by creating a character that is inhabited by the Inner Critic.  My Inner Critic looks something like Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip.  She is always negative or trying to deceive me. Lucy is pointing out EVERYTHING that could go wrong.  So now I just think “Well that’s Lucy catastrophizing again” or “Here comes Lucy to pull the rug out from under me”.  Create a character for your Inner Critic.

Question your Inner Critic. This enhances the separation between you and your Inner Critic. It sounds something like “So Lucy, what are you afraid of?” Or “What’s really behind this fear mongering right now?”  Patiently listen to what your Inner Critic has to say (perhaps not out loud at Starbucks) and once you’ve heard their fear of embarrassment or attack or failure, let them have their say.  Then calmly reply, “Thanks so much for your input, but I’ve got this one covered.”  

Remove the critic.  Putting the Inner Critic in a box, cabinet or jar can be a relief.  In my training with Organization, Relationship, Systems Coaching (ORSC), when someone was struggling with a conflict, it was helpful to take a handy object, any object, like a pencil, stapler or towel and have the object be the stand-in for the conflict.  In this case, the Inner Critic.  Then either throw it, place it, hide it or shove it to rid yourself of the conflict (Inner Critic).  It’s amazing when you use an object as a stand-in.  Then you can continue on by saying, “It’s just me here – the Inner Critic is on a break for now.” Use an object as a surrogate to remove the Inner Critic.

Turn it down or fade out.  Mohr suggests, “Notice where, physically, it feels like the inner critic voice is located in or around your body, and picture the voice receding into space, moving away from you.” I like to imagine that I’m turning the volume down.  Grab the dial and move it down to a whisper or mute. Turn down the Inner Critic’s voice.

Mohr makes it clear that the Inner Critic will never disappear.  Similar to meditation, your inner voice will never be completely quiet or go away.  It’s a matter of repackaging or altering it so that you can tap into your Inner Mentor or realistic voice. But most importantly, not be guided by the fear mongering of the Inner Critic.  Which tip will you try first?

4 Tips to Playing Big

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I recently finished Tara Mohr’s, Playing Big. It’s such an insightful book that I’m embarrassed that I hadn’t read it until recently since it was published in 2014.  How Women Rise, has been my bible for coaching women in business and, Playing Big, surpasses it in many ways. It gives you actual tools  to help women find their voice. There were countless times, as I read this, that I said, “That’s me!”.  There is something comforting knowing that you are not the only one out there saying such disempowering phrases like “Does that make sense?” Or “Sorry, but”. It’s that need to please and to play small that hurts our career trajectory.

Here are my 4 tips from Playing Big:

The Inner Critic. We’ve all got one. Mine is in a constant state of fear waiting to be ostracized. The Inner Critic is bias towards negativity.  We mistakenly believe that we’re just having realistic thinking when in reality it’s catastrophic thinking.  I remember walking into a facilitation recently and the tables were not set up as I had expected. My Inner Critic immediately went to “this will never work” and “how could you have let this happen, Cathy?” None of this thinking is helpful in any way.  It takes me out of my Prefrontal Cortex (where we do our best thinking) and into my Amygdala (the fight or flight response). Listening to my Inner Critic takes me to a place where I can’t see possibility and it leads me to play Small. If you want to play Big, shut down your Inner Critic.

The Inner Mentor. So, if I shut down my Inner Critic, who am I going to listen to?  My Inner Mentor I found this to be very powerful. You can access the Inner Mentor Visualization by going to her website and finding Book Supplementary Materials.   In the visualization you are transported to 20 years from now and you meet up with yourself 20 years in the future.  You see the environment you are living in, how you hold yourself and in the end, you give yourself a gift. Connecting to your Inner Mentor is energizing because you can see that you survived whatever fear you think is holding you back.  I found my Inner Mentor to be very relaxed and comfortable. She was very at peace, centered and confident with endless wisdom. This is the person I need to seek advice from rather than the Inner Critic who seems to be running round looking for fire extinguishers and a 40-foot ladder (when there isn’t a fire).  Listening to my Inner Mentor brings me peace and she challenges me to take the leap. 

Know which fear you are experiencing. Tara taps into the two words for fear in Hebrew.  Pachad is imagined fear and yirah is the fear that overcomes us when we are taking over a bigger space. Pachad is an overreaction or irrational fear that stems from worries about what could happen. Like when my child is driving on New Years Eve, my pachad brain says she will get hit by a drunk driver.  The worst-case scenario type of thinking.  Yirah is the fear when I step onto a stage to speak or when I meet with a new potential client.  It’s that feeling of am I good enough to be here.  What if I get found out?  Who do you think you are Cathy?  In the case of Pachad, we want to dampen it down.  In the case of yirah, we want to embrace it.  To embody it. Yirah is helping us play Big.  Know which fear is showing up and choose wisely. 

Diminishing words.  This is similar to habit 9 in How Women Rise or minimizing.  It may sound like “You might think this is a crazy idea” where you set up your idea as something that’s not up to snuff.  I know I do it, so if my idea isn’t liked, I don’t feel as rejected.  Tara puts language to the 10 words or phrases that diminish ourselves.  They are: “Just, Actually, Kind of/Almost, Sorry, but…, A little bit, Disclaimers, “Does that make sense?”, raising pitch at the end of a statement, rushing, and turning a statement into a question.” UGH.  I am guilty of all of these speech habits. What I appreciate is that now I know what words to look for. As Tara admonishes, don’t try to fix all of them at once.  This is a perfectionist trap.  I’ve learned to focus on one of these habits and once I have conquered it, I’ll pick another. To play Big, be aware of using diminishing words. 

This book is a wealth of knowledge and even as I write this and referred back to the book, it has created greater awareness of how I show up.  Author and speaker, Amy Cuddy comes to mind as well where she says to take up space, express your ideas and show your strength.  All of this is an inside game between the ears.  How do you plan to play Big?

🐴 5 Lessons from Horses

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It’s been ten years since I met Lollipop and Rusty but the lessons still resonate. From 2014:

I had the great privilege to work with Renee Sievert and Michele Woodward at an Equus Coaching outing (a methodology created by Koelle Simpson) many years back in the hills of Northern Virginia. Equus Coaching involves interacting one on one with a horse and, through that experience, have a better understanding of yourself and how you “show up” in the world. I thought I was going to be learning about horses but the horse held up a mirror to me.

My past experience with horses had been at camp when I was about 8 and a few trail rides. I always felt disconnected to horses. I felt like they were leading me and I had little to do in directing the path. I was just the terrified kid bobbing on top hoping we ended up at the end of the trail in one piece. I am happy to report that the Equus experience brought about a new appreciation for horses and a new self-awareness.

Rusty on the move.

5 lessons from my teachers, Lollipop and Rusty:

1. Attention. I love to be the center of attention. Lollipop came right over to me as I went into the round pen. He is a smaller, younger horse and he made a b-line for me. I had ten minutes to spend with him, and I think I would have been happy just petting him the entire time. I realize now, it’s one of the reasons I adore my dog, Baci, because she will follow me around the house and lay at my feet wherever I land. I feel a bit guilty, but I love the attention.

2. Intention. I need to be clear in my intention. Renee initially modeled how to lead a horse in the round pen. She stood alone in the pen with Coco (a horse she had never worked with) and through focus, attention and directed arm movements, Coco magically moved in a circle around the pen. No harness. No whistling. No strings. It was amazing (I had goosebumps). By just telegraphing her intention to the horse, she got her to move wherever and whenever she wanted. You have to know what you want to get done so if you want to be the world’s best purple squirrel catcher, set your intention and get started. Be clear in your intention.

3. Focus. I can’t lose my focus. I was amazed that I was able to move Lollipop in the same way around the pen that Renee had moved Coco. I focused in, moved my arms and he followed my intention and focus. Pretty soon he was galloping around the pen in a circle….magic….but….I lost focus. The very second I took my eye off of Lollipop, he came over to me like a moth to a flame. I lost my focus and Lollipop came back to me to find it again. This shows up everywhere in my life: unfinished books, deserted projects, languishing relationships. Stay focused.

4. Sync Up. When you are working in a group, sync up. This is going to sound crazy (cause I thought it was crazy) but I was on a team of three women that had to herd a handsome, albeit obstinate horse named Rusty without communicating using the most obvious of skills, spoken language. Using hand jesters, hope and a little bit of grit, we had to decide where we wanted Rusty to go and then go make it happen. In the end, Rusty didn’t do exactly as we expected but that was largely due to the fact that all three of us had slightly different agendas. Where does this show up for you? Did your assistant put in too much detail maybe because you didn’t communicate your expectations? If all three team members are on even the slightest different tangent, the horse does not know where to go. Sync up your team.

5. Power. I need to find my power. At one point, when we were trying to move Rusty, he stood there; and.would.not.budge. My teammate tried and then she motioned me over. I went over and got behind Rusty. I started slapping a rope against my leg. He.would.not.budge. Ugh. I was getting frustrated. I was going to move this horse. I summoned my power. My energy. I put it into my entire body and slapped the rope against my leg with full force, intention and focus. Magic. Rusty started to move. I stayed on him focusing all my intent and energy forward. He moved. I moved a 2,000 pound beast by finding my power. You cannot phone it in. If you want to move mountains, you need to find your power; FIRST.

It’s amazing how much Nature can teach us if we just pay attention to the lessons. Having a facilitator like Renee was really enlightening. She was constantly observing and saying things like “what’s your body saying to the horse?” or “where is your focus?” Think about how you show up in the world and how you are being observed. Pay attention. You can change more than you think you can.

🫣 5 Ways to Conquer Doubt

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Doubt is paralyzing. It grabs you by the shoulders and says, “There is no way in hell you can keep this house, Cathy.” “There is no way in hell you can ride a bike for ten miles.” “There is no way in hell you can run in a marathon.” It’s the super glue that suddenly holds your shoes to the ground. It’s the snooze button on your alarm that keeps you from the training run. It’s the second, third and fourth chocolate chip cookie that keeps you on the couch, instead of calling the mortgage company. Doubt is insidious and pervasive. It’s the devil’s advocate running amok in our head. You and I both need to shut it down.

I have struggled with self-doubt my entire life. My bet is that you have it as well. The thought that only the people who were blessed with magical powers; the chosen few who can actually achieve their dreams. But as I sit here, almost 57, I have overcome that nasty self-doubt and when I really reflect, I am pretty fortunate and, dare I say, happy.

Here are 5 ways to conquer doubt:

  • The Rule of 10-10-10. I have used this in coaching. Suzy Welch wrote on this in her book of the same title. When you are faced with a decision, look at the ramifications for each way in 10 minutes, 10 months and 10 years. So, in a major decision like holding onto your house or foreclosure, it’s important to follow the process. In 10 minutes, either holding onto the house or letting it go is devastating. In 10 months, the credit implications of walking away could be catastrophic but the financial burden of staying could be paralyzing. In 10 years, the equity in the house could be a financial boom and the credit fiasco would be a long-ago memory. When faced with doubt in a big decision, be sure to look at the long-term ramifications.
  • Notice that you’re alright right now. This is from Rick Hanson.  Our negative biased brain wants to look for negative meaning in everything around us. So that rustle in the bushes is a venomous snake instead of an innocent bird. Doubt is partially built on this same negative brain bias. Thoughts of I am too old; too fat; too slow start to paralyze our forward momentum. In reality. If you take stock. You are alright, right now. I say this because if you are reading this post, you aren’t on a sinking ship or in a burning building. I have shoes on my feet, a roof over my head and, thank goodness, a good WiFi connection.
  • Take stock. It is so easy to dwell on what is not going right instead of what is going well. Take stock of your accomplishments. This does not mean you are a narcissist. It means that you can take ownership of what you have done. I’ve lived on both coasts. I’ve traveled to South America and Europe. I can speak Spanish reasonably well and I bake a damn good loaf of bread. I have two fantastic kids who I raised through some pretty rough transitions in my life. Most importantly, I’ve made a difference in many people’s lives through my coaching and facilitation. There are several people out there who started running in 5k’s and half marathons because of me. That is incredibly gratifying. Taking stock keeps doubt at bay.
  • Be mindful. I’ve written about my daily meditation practice from the Art of Living. It keeps me grounded in my breath. I believe I am more present because of the practice. It’s not easy but I try to be in the present moment and not anticipating tomorrow or dredging up the past. I have recently started swimming laps. Swimming laps takes away all the distractions. There is no iPhone, no television, no music, no conversation, or mindless eating. All you have is your body, the water and your breath. I’m not thinking about my grocery list or if my daughter will call or about last night’s failed meatloaf. I’m not dwelling on doubting my abilities or skills. I am in the present moment. Whether it’s mediation, swimming, yoga or a walk, find a way to get present. It keeps the doubts at bay.
  • Yes and. This is the rule of thumb for improvisational comedy. It’s also a great way to brainstorm. So instead of saying, “No” , or “Yes, but…”, you are keeping your options open. So if I am doubting I can keep my house out of foreclosure, I say, “Yes, and I can rent out a few rooms,” or “Yes, and I can get a second job,” or “Yes, and I can run a cooking class out of my kitchen.” It makes everything possible instead of impossible. It keeps your doubts under wraps.

I have not perfected this and there are times that when I get a phone message from my attorney or boss that I immediately assume the worst. But almost immediately, I take a moment to reframe the situation and wait for more data before jumping to catastrophic conclusions. Doubt is nothing but fear rearing its ugly head. You may have a small lapse but keep moving on.

⚓️5 Tips on Ocracoke in Winter

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy Noice1 Comment

I enjoy the beach in the winter time.  I’ve traveled to the Outer Banks several times over the last few years and it’s never failed to provide moments of awe and an excellent respite from dreary humdrum winter days. It’s a great escape from the cabin fever of working from home with the same four walls.

The island of Ocracoke sits well off the coast of North Carolina and is 9.6 square miles.  Almost the whole island is part of the Hatteras National Seashore.  There are absolutely no structures along the beach for the entire length of the island except for a ferry building and a bathroom. The only way to get to the island is by private boat, a ferry from either Cape Hatteras, Swan Quarter or Cedar Island or by private plane into the tiny airport. With a population of less than 800 and miles of open, undeveloped beaches, this is a great place for an escape.

Sunset in January on Ocracoke Island

My 5 tips on Ocracoke in the winter:

Ferries.  I had initially thought that I was going to take the ferry from Swan Quarter or Cedar Island to get to Ocracoke.  The problem was that there were only two departure times, 10 AM or 4 PM.  I couldn’t see getting to either location which was at least a 3 1/2-hour drive from my home.  It meant leaving home at 5:30 AM and absolutely nothing going wrong.  I didn’t want to arrive in the dark to the place I was staying.  My only other option was driving to Cape Hatteras which has upwards of 10 ferries a day to Ocracoke which gave me more flexibility in my arrival time. The added bonus was stopping at Bodie Island and Hatteras Lighthouses on the way to the ferry station.  I ended up taking the Cedar Island ferry home at the end of the week because it departed at 7:30 AM and that was easy to make since it was less than a mile from where I was staying. Plan accordingly.

Sunrise.  Sunrise on Ocracoke in January is between 7:15 and 7 AM.  I scouted a few beaches when I first arrived.  Since it’s about 15 miles to travel the length of the island on Highway 12, it was pretty easy to figure which spot would be easiest to navigate in the twilight of dawn. The closest access point to the village of Ocracoke had a lovely boardwalk out to the beach but it was chest high in sand.  While I was able to get up and over the sand, I didn’t think it made sense to do that in the darkness before dawn.  I found my spot at the beach right across from the pony pen about half way up the island.  There was a great boardwalk out to the beach and a pony pen. Each morning was like Christmas, wondering what the sunrise would be like.  Some were pink and red, others were clear and stark with just the sun and a blue horizon and some were streaked with clouds.  The anticipation of the drive out in the fog or full moon and then the sound of the waves crashing and not knowing if there would be beach enough to walk (one morning high tide and sunrise corresponded at 7:08 AM which made for very little sand to walk on). Each morning was a surprise and had its own beauty and awe.  There was never another soul on the beach. See the sunrise.

Traffic. Well, there isn’t any traffic unless a ferry has just arrived. And the two ferries in the village of Ocracoke (from Swan Quarter and Cedar Island) are lucky to have 10 vehicles on them.  But if you suddenly see five cars in a row, you can bet a ferry just came in or the small K-12 school has let out at the end of the school day.  Highway 12 along the national seashore is 55 miles an hour and practically everyone on the road is either coming or going from the Hatteras ferry. Once you are in the Village of Ocracoke the speed limit is 20 miles an hour.   That’s right, 20 MILES AN HOUR.  I figured out by Friday, when it was 65 degrees and some folks from the mainland were coming in for the weekend, that golf carts are the main mode of transportation. Hence the 20 miles an hour on all roads in the village. There are no traffic lights and quite a few folks tooling around on golf carts and signaling with their hands.  There is one turn in town which is marked with 15 miles an hour! The speed limit creates a relaxing pace, there is nothing to hurry to.  There is no traffic.

Businesses. When I was planning my visit, I read about a coffee shop that was right across the street from where I was staying and several restaurants.  Practically everything was closed for the season.  So, if you go before March or April, make sure you are prepared.  No boat tours, art studios, cappuccinos, kayak rentals or para sailing (I know way too cold).  These are available in the summer but not in January.  I had brought most of my food in my car but I’m glad I did.  There was one market that is open daily and it had a surprisingly good selection of produce and staples. There were two restaurants (re bars) open.  There are absolutely no franchise businesses like McDonalds, Subway or Starbucks, which adds to the quaintness of the village. I started to panic a few days before heading back home because I only had a quarter tank of gas and had not noticed any gas stations.  I found it through a google search in front of a camp ground. There were two pumps and I was able to pay by credit card. There was no obvious place to pay with cash. So be sure to gas up before you go.

Sights.  Besides walking on the beach there are a few sights to see in the winter.  I explored Springer’s Point Nature Reserve which is a small park with trails and is walking distance from the Ocracoke Lighthouse.   Springer’s Point is a 122-acre nature reserve with a maritime forest and some wetlands.  It’s also where Edward Teach (Blackbeard) had a hideout and lost his life right off the shoreline at Teach’s Hole in a battle with the British. The Ocracoke Lighthouse is the oldest operating lighthouse in North Carolina and is a stark plain white.  It sits right in the middle of the village as opposed to Hatteras and Bodie Island which are not near any other buildings. It was put into operation in 1824 and stands 75 feet tall.  It’s not open to climb although it’s open to visit in the summer time. The Ocracoke Ponies were allegedly “Banker” horses that were left by shipwrecked explorers in the 16th and 17th century. They have been on Ocracoke since the first European settles came in 1730.  The horses are in pens since the construction on the island long highway 12 so that they would not be injured.  There is a nice boardwalk to see several other horse pens and a grandstand of sorts to be able to get a bird’s eye view of the horses.  There are a few sights to see in the winter but if you don’t like walking on the beach or being curled up in your accommodations, there is not much else to see.

I think that Ocracoke is a great place to visit in the winter because it’s so quiet, peaceful and has a slow pace. It’s one of the best places to see the night sky on the east coast because of its lack of buildings.  I drove out the one clear night I had and was able to see several constellations. As long as you come prepared with a gassed-up car, plenty of food and a love of solitude, this is the place for you.