Tag: timing

👯 Adult Friendships: A Primer

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment


I recently read Mel Robbin’s book, Let Them. It’s a great book to learn to let go of the things you can’t control, which for me, can be focused on trying to chart the course of my adult children’s lives. Robbin’s book helps me focus on what I can control which is me and how I want to show up.  She also dives into the perils of adult friendships. I can get caught up with my old high school friend traveling to Bali or the gang getting together at the haunt in my old neighborhood. I’ve learned to not be attached to what everyone else is doing. It’s none of my business. My business is my life and where I want to be right now. 

My college roommates, Janine and Susannah, also know as Those Girls and the Blonde, reconnecting at a cooking class in Paris in 2016.

Robbins’ points out adult friendships are so difficult for three main reasons: Proximity, Timing and Energy:

Proximity.  When we were all in grade school, we saw the same folks every day, in class, on the playground and even in the neighborhood. I grew up on a cul de sac which was chock full of kick the can and touch football games practically every day. My friends or potential friends were around me constantly.  In fact, my closest friend to this day was a neighbor from two doors away on that cul de sac. Robbins defines proximity as physical closeness. “This matters way more than you think,” she says, citing research that shows it takes 50 hours to become a casual friend and 200 to become a close friend. If you’re not around each other, it’s hard to log the time required for a real connection. When you’re no longer in school or living with friends, that kind of time together doesn’t happen by accident. “The number one predictor of friendship is how often you see people,” Robbins explains.  This is a real eye opener. If I want to make friends as an adult, I need to spend more time focusing on connecting and meeting more people.

Timing. Everyone is on a different path and in a different season in life. Even as I am in my sixties, I have friends that are still raising children, some heavily involved with their grandchildren and then some are traveling the world or living it up in a retirement community. When we were in first grade, we all just wanted to make it to Christmas break and prayed for enough snow to close school and go sledding. Now, I’m lucky to be in the same time zone with my college and high school friends let alone the same place in life. Robbins gives the example of coworkers: You might like the people you work with, but if one person is juggling three young kids and another is traveling every weekend, you may never build the connection required for any kind of deeper friendship. The same goes for long-time friends. “Sometimes, the distance isn’t emotional; it’s just the fact that your lives have diverged,” she says. I recently was able to see two of my college roommates about 24 hours apart as I traveled up the east coast. These friends who I had traveled to Paris with and Boston in the last decade, are still my close friends but we rarely are able to be together at the same time. I’ve learned to be more open and take what time I can get with a friend. For me, it’s not the quantity of time but just making the opportunity.

Energy. Energy is how it feels when you’re around someone, and often, that energy changes based on the two reasons above. “Do you feel safe, supported, and understood?” Robbins asks. “Energy is one of those things you can’t fake.” You might have the same job or live in the same building, but if the emotional vibe between you isn’t clicking, the relationship won’t thrive. I think of this as, “you can’t push a rope”.  I’ve spent tons of time on wedging myself into someone else’s life that just doesn’t have the space or energy for me. I think to myself now, “welp, you can’t push a rope.”  I have reached out to an old friend several times to connect for lunch and the timing (see above) is never right. In my mind, only energy can help overcome timing and proximity and if it’s all MY energy, then maybe it’s time to let it go for this season. I have found that especially with my long term (plus 40 years of friendship) friends that we might go a decade without reconnecting and yet when we meet up at the restaurant or on that trail when the stars align, it’s magic. We know each other’s stories and roots. We reconnect instantly and time evaporates. I believe it’s because we are both bringing energy.

So, what do you do if you want to make new friendships as an adult? Robbins says that you have to be purposeful. It’s not like heading out to the playground and meeting someone on the swing set. According to Robbins, finding and keeping meaningful friendships as an adult starts with a mindset shift: We have to stop waiting for it to happen and start building it on purpose. So, say hello to that neighbor, join that gym, start a local book club and show up for that meditation class. I have to say that I work harder now at making friends instead of waiting for kismet. Make the call or the text. There are connections out there just waiting for me, I am in charge of making it happen. 

🫣 Unresolved Conflict

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As a restaurant owner and Human Resource professional over the past 20 plus years, I’ve seen plenty of unresolved workplace conflict.  It’s like the kitchen garbage can with rotting shrimp shells in the bottom; everyone smells it but no one wants to deal with it.  So we let it fester and things fester. Blood pressure rises, people start avoiding each other, less eye contact; our mind goes wild with what we figure the other person is thinking.  We think we know their true motivation as the paranoia mounts.

There were countless times I was brought in to end the avoidance….to get to the bottom of the smelly mess.  So how do you handle the conflict?  Here are some tried and true maneuvers:

1. Timing is everything.  Don’t talk to someone when they just get back from vacation and are buried in email and return phone calls.  Give them a day or two to dig out and take a temperature check.  Read their body language.  A little tension in the shoulders…using short curt sentences….relax and wait.  Sense of humor is back?  Just got a great sales report?  This might be your opening.

2. Privacy.  This  cannot be emphasized enough.  Don’t bring up the smelly issue in front of or within ear shot of any other human being.  Never.  Ever.   Their listening skills will be out to lunch and their blood pressure will shoot up.  No one likes to be embarrassed and if there is even the slightest chance that UPS delivery guy might walk by; relax and wait.

3. Facts.  Research your smelly issue thoroughly.  No hunches.  No assumptions.  No jumping to conclusions.  Do your best reconnaissance…you watch CSI…investigate.  This is especially true in the “he said, she said, they said and we said” type of smelly issue.  Find any and all witnesses and alleged witnesses (can’t tell you how many times in a harassment investigation that the “alleged witness” wasn’t even at work that day).  Don’t go at fact finding to just make sure you are“right”.

4. Suspend Assumptions. This goes closely with #3 but it’s imperative that you don’t decide the other person’s motivation; their ulterior motives.  You’ll have them being one step below Bernie Madoff if you’re not careful.  Empty your head of all your negative stereo types….like “Joe is always out for himself” or “Suzy is out to get me”….really?  You know all that?  As Byron Katie says at her website “the work”…”Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” Turn off mister ego and shut down your assumption machine.

5. Craft.  Think it through.  How are you going to broach the subject?  Maybe test the waters with another agenda item that isn’t confrontational like “I want to thank you for your help on the turnover report.  It really saved me some time and I got a chance to work on a more pressing project”.  A sincere, specific compliment is a nice lead in.  I can hear you nay-sayers out there…but I can’t think of anything nice to say.  Revisit #4.  Phrase the issue in terms of the other person’s viewpoint.  What is a reasonable explanation for their egregious act?  Give them an out like, “I’m sure you didn’t realize that when I was excluded from the finance team, I felt like you didn’t trust me”, or “I don’t think you are aware but when you told Suzy about the layoff plan, she assumed her job was in jeopardy”.  Think it through and craft the one or two sentences (no more) to summarize and present the smelly issue at hand (stay away from Never, Always and Should).

6. Love.  What are you crazy?  Love my co-worker, boss, workplace nemesis?  I don’t know why it works but if you decide you love someone, even your worst enemy ,the whole thing just works better.  Maybe it’s ch’i, but mentally embracing the other person (do not do this literally…for obvious reasons) helps you to be open to the possibilities; love your enemy.  Bob may never include you on the email with the financial reports but if you love him, it dampens down the resentment and blasts open the possibility of resolution. This also helps with #4.

7. Do it.  When you have completed the preceding steps; just do it.  Have the conversation.  Stay open minded and believe in a positive outcome.  Sometimes, OK a lot of times, it’s a complete surprise to the other person.  But it’s amazing how often people tip toe around an issue, especially a smelly one, and the offending person, had no idea that they angered you or that several people were avoiding them.  Most of the time people don’t realize how they are perceived and want to do their best.  Nine times out of ten, they apologize.  Give them the chance.

This might be messy the first, second or third time around.  But this is going to build trust in the long run.  You will be the Go-To person for conflict resolution and honest constructive feedback.  Slay the elephant.

Let me know what you think.  What workplace conflict are you dealing with?

The Anatomy of a Good Apology

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve been reading Why Won’t You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner. It’s an interesting book and I have (surprise, surprise) been trying to apply her thoughts on apologizing to my life. I have to believe that my husband is tired of being a guinea pig to my voracious reading list. At least I didn’t challenge him to a duel after reading Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow–another really interesting book but we won’t be diving into that here.

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Lerner brings up some important points and uses examples from her therapy practice. A lot of the examples she uses are based on some serious gaps in trust, like the mother of a child who was sexually abused by her husband or marital infidelity. I’m not going to address that type of apology here, but will instead look at how you can be a better apologizer at work and at home.

 

Here is the anatomy of a good apology:

 

Timing.  My husband and I had an argument a few weeks ago. I kept peppering him with questions. What he really needed was space. It’s easy to get flooded (when all your blood goes to your primitive reactive brain) and you start saying things you didn’t intend to say (i.e. swearing, belittling comments, etc.). This means it’s not the right time to talk. Certainly, not the right time to apologize. Take a break. Take a walk. Go to sleep. Pick a time that is more conducive to a calm discussion. You will be able to think better. So if your boss yelled at you for forgetting to send the meeting invite, take a break and find a time when you aren’t standing on the back of your heels.

 

Avoid “but”.  As Learner wrote, “Little add-ons like ‘but’ (“I’m sorry I forget your birthday, but I was stressed out with work”) negate responsibility. A heartfelt apology means accepting responsibility for our mistakes without a hint of excuse-making or evasion, even if the other person can’t do the same.” Think of the word “but” as an eraser of what the very first part of the sentence started with. “I’m sorry I was late, but you didn’t send a meeting invite” or “I’m sorry I didn’t feed the dog, but you never feed him.” Doesn’t feel very sincere when you are on the receiving end of that, does it?

 

Avoid “if”. As Learner wrote, “‘If’ will turn your sorry into a not-sorry-at-all.” “I’m sorry if that joke I made at the meeting offended you.” I know I am guilty of using “if”. It keeps the apologizer at arm’s length. It leaves the responsibility with the injured party. “I’m sorry I didn’t inform you of the changes” is much better than “I’m sorry if you didn’t know the changes.” The first example takes the responsibility rather than pushing it onto the other person.

 

Brevity.  This is my loquacious Achilles heel. As I mentioned earlier, I can pepper someone with a thousand questions, especially when I feel injured. Think through an apology and cut it down to one sentence or two. “I’m sorry I was asking a thousand questions last night. I feel like I was overwhelming you.” Lerner has a great example of someone apologizing and going on and on and on, rehashing the situation. This causes the injured party to tune out. They stop listening and it doesn’t feel sincere. This also means not bringing up what Lerner calls injured party’s “crime sheet”. I have a Rolodex of every “crime” my husband has ever committed and I sort by date, type and flavor at will. Put the crime sheet a way. Maybe even burn it.

 

Own it.  This is difficult for a lot of folks and is likely based on how you were brought up. There is a tendency for women to be more likely to apologize and be the peacemakers, but that’s not the rule. Some people feel shame at admitting that they are not perfect. To apologize is to admit imperfection. How many of us had our mothers tell us to “Go say you’re sorry to little Suzy.” I’m not suggesting that our mothers were wrong. More so, it’s to point out we all have different operating systems based on our life experience. If you don’t typically apologize, this is the most difficult step. It’s not easy. See if you own a piece of the responsibility.

 

Listen.  As Stephen Covey famously wrote, “First seek to understand.” Once you have apologized, listen to what the injured party has to say. They may not say anything. They may want to talk about how they feel. They may just want to move on. Don’t hold onto an agenda outside of the apology. Everyone’s deepest need is to be heard and understood. It’s the greatest gift you can give.

 

Think through your next apology and see if you can clean it up a bit. Who do you need to apologize to?