Tag: third person

🫣6 Tips to Slaying Self-Doubt

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I’ve been traveling in a new Recreational Vehicle for the last three weeks.  I have never driven or set up an RV in my life.  I have been racked with self-doubt to the point of feeling sick the evening before I set out on my solo trip in February.  We all have times when self-doubt rears its ugly head.  There is no immunity but thanks to a great book by Tara Mohr called Playing Big, there are ways to address it.

Tara points out that the Inner Critic (the cheerleader for self-doubt) is not realistic thinking.  The Inner Critic makes pronouncements while Realistic Thinking has curiosity.  The Inner Critic has no evidence while Realistic Thinking gathers evidence to inform conclusion. The Inner Critic thinks in terms of black and white while Realistic Thinking sees all manner of gray. The Inner Critic is repetitive and problem focused and Realistic Thinking is forward thinking and solution focused.  When you really think about the Inner Critic it’s just about turning the volume down so that you can listen to Realistic Thinking.

Here are the 6 tips to slaying self-doubt:

Label it. As with most change it’s all about awareness.  So, when you hear your critic talking you need to recognize that it’s the Inner Critic.  “Cathy, that’s your Inner Critic talking.”  Sometimes I start by thinking “the story I’m telling myself which should really be “the story the Inner Critic is telling is…” Label your critic so you are aware when it sneaks in. 

Third Person.  It’s helpful to separate from the Inner Critic. The easiest, handiest way is to put it in the third person.  So don’t say, “I’m freaking out here” or “I’m not mechanically inclined” to “The Inner Critic is freaking out” or “The Inner Critic thinks I’m not mechanically inclined”.  It’s like putting the critic in its place away from between your ears. Put the Inner Critic in the third person. 

Create a character.  This works in concert with making the Inner Critic in the third person.  It’s unmasking their hold by creating a character that is inhabited by the Inner Critic.  My Inner Critic looks something like Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip.  She is always negative or trying to deceive me. Lucy is pointing out EVERYTHING that could go wrong.  So now I just think “Well that’s Lucy catastrophizing again” or “Here comes Lucy to pull the rug out from under me”.  Create a character for your Inner Critic.

Question your Inner Critic. This enhances the separation between you and your Inner Critic. It sounds something like “So Lucy, what are you afraid of?” Or “What’s really behind this fear mongering right now?”  Patiently listen to what your Inner Critic has to say (perhaps not out loud at Starbucks) and once you’ve heard their fear of embarrassment or attack or failure, let them have their say.  Then calmly reply, “Thanks so much for your input, but I’ve got this one covered.”  

Remove the critic.  Putting the Inner Critic in a box, cabinet or jar can be a relief.  In my training with Organization, Relationship, Systems Coaching (ORSC), when someone was struggling with a conflict, it was helpful to take a handy object, any object, like a pencil, stapler or towel and have the object be the stand-in for the conflict.  In this case, the Inner Critic.  Then either throw it, place it, hide it or shove it to rid yourself of the conflict (Inner Critic).  It’s amazing when you use an object as a stand-in.  Then you can continue on by saying, “It’s just me here – the Inner Critic is on a break for now.” Use an object as a surrogate to remove the Inner Critic.

Turn it down or fade out.  Mohr suggests, “Notice where, physically, it feels like the inner critic voice is located in or around your body, and picture the voice receding into space, moving away from you.” I like to imagine that I’m turning the volume down.  Grab the dial and move it down to a whisper or mute. Turn down the Inner Critic’s voice.

Mohr makes it clear that the Inner Critic will never disappear.  Similar to meditation, your inner voice will never be completely quiet or go away.  It’s a matter of repackaging or altering it so that you can tap into your Inner Mentor or realistic voice. But most importantly, not be guided by the fear mongering of the Inner Critic.  Which tip will you try first?

🫣5 Fixes for Imposter Syndrome

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

There have been countless times in my life where I felt like an imposter. When I was in Junior High, I was first flute in the All-State Orchestra (granted Delaware is a very small state). I was initially proud of making first chair only to be overwhelmed by feeling like I would be caught. Found out. Attending the Hotel School at Cornell University where I was a work study student feeling completely inadequate with my fellow upper crust students whose pedigree far outranked my own. My first job out of college as a manager for a catering company in Manhattan. I was a 21-year-old woman working in a basement with 25 men, some twice my age, trying to manage a fast-paced catering business where the only rule was to “yes” to any customer request (i.e., lunch for 100 people in 45 minutes). Every day in that basement was complete anarchy with four phone lines of incoming orders and trying to supervise a largely immigrant crew. I felt like I would be unmasked every day.

As written by Chris Palmer for the American Psychological Association, “Up to 82% of people face feelings of impostor phenomenon, struggling with the sense they haven’t earned what they’ve achieved and are a fraud (Bravata, D. M., et al., Journal of General Internal Medicine, Vol. 35, No. 4, 2020). These feelings can contribute to increased anxiety and depression, less risk-taking in careers, and career burnout.” 82% of people are feeling the same way as me?  This doesn’t surprise me because I coach people every day who struggle with these same feelings. This manifests in my clients as countless work hours, fear of delegation and perfectionism. 

Here are 5 fixes for imposter syndrome:

  1. Shine a light.  It starts with acknowledging you are feeling inadequate, or you are harboring doubts. As Jack Kelly wrote for Forbes, “The first thing you should do is acknowledge these feelings when they arise. There’s no need to hide it from others or feel badly about harboring these thoughts. By confronting your self-defeating thoughts, it’s the start of taking proactive steps to change your mindset.” Turn on that light switch and make what is in the back of your brain into the light.  Acknowledging is the first step in addressing it.
  2. Acknowledge your accomplishments. It’s really easy to have amnesia about your accomplishments.  Did you grow up in a single parent home and manage to graduate from high school? Are you able to speak two languages? Have you been able to raise a child to adulthood? Did you thwart a deadly illness? Have you finished a 5k? Did you finally earn that certification you always wanted? I remember finally crossing the mile high bridge on Grandfather Mountain.  I was terrified, but I did it. Write down your accomplishments and take stock.
  3. Watch your self-talk. I find the easiest way to reframe self-talk is to use the third person.  So instead of saying “I’m an idiot”, I think “Cathy you’re an idiot”.  Seems harsh.  I would NEVER call anyone an idiot so why the heck would I call myself an idiot.  It’s similar to reframe it to what you would say to a friend.  As Palmer wrote, “Try to observe when your impostor feelings surface and how you respond to them.” Be compassionate in your self-talk.
  4. Let go of perfectionism. I’ve coached countless folks who struggle with perfectionism.  In my mind it’s the manifestation of imposter feelings.  So, they constantly work harder and longer to make their output as perfect as possible so that no one will find out that they are imperfect and, therefore, an imposter. Palmer wrote, “It may help to release yourself from rigid roles. For example, Orbé-Austin said people with impostor phenomenon often see themselves as helpers––people who come to the rescue. “Breaking free from those roles so you can be someone who doesn’t know it all or someone who can’t always help can allow us to be more robust people and professionals,” she said.” Perfection is failing, it’s suffocating and keeping folks stuck.
  5. Share your thoughts. Perhaps through therapy, a coach, or a trusted friend, share your imposter feelings with someone you can confide in. I find when I coach that when my client actually says something out loud (instead of rumination), it will bring insight.  Saying it out loud makes it real and prompts examination. As Kelly wrote, “By sharing with others, it will release the pent-up burden. You’ll quickly find out that you’re not alone and this is shared by many other professionals. You will feel a big sense of relief once you find out that it’s commonplace, you’re in good company and it’s not just you.” Share your thoughts so others can weigh in and help examine their validity.

I believe that comparison is at the root of most imposter feelings. I envy my neighbors new Tesla, my friend’s vacation to the Alps, or my sister’s promotion to Vice President. Comparison is the thief of joy and will keep me in the imposter zone. As a friend said to me recently, “Stay in your lane.” Focus on what’s in front of you and your experience and let others focus on their lanes. How do you address imposter feelings?

4 Ways to Harness Your Inner Voice

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I’ve been reading a terrific book by Ethan Kross called Chatter. It delves into harnessing one’s inner voice.  What struck me initially is that there was a study on whether folks believed they had a voice in their head.  My inner voice was thinking, “Well no, duh, of course we all have an inner voice in our heads.  And then I thought…wow…are there really people out there without a running narrative on what they want to do next, what they would have done differently and reliving embarrassing moments, over and over and over again?”  Turns out there are certain medical conditions that cause a quieting of the inner voice; but then I think, that would be awful.  So apparently, I want the inner chatter in my head, I just want to be able to use it to enhance my life instead of driving me down an anxiety rabbit hole.

As Kross writes, “However it manifests itself, when the inner voice runs amok and chatter takes the mental microphone, our mind not only torments but paralyzes us. It can also lead us to do things that sabotage us.” I love the image of my self-critic running around with a microphone and how much I want to either turn down the volume, or hopefully, throw the microphone out. 

4 ways to harness your inner voice:

  1. Journal.  I have personally found this to be very beneficial.  When my ex-husband turned my world upside down, I wrote reams of vitriol words to exorcise him out of my head.  There is no need to edit or summarize or be grammatically correct.  I just dumped everything out on paper. I wrote to myself for myself as well as to forgive myself for my misguided trust. I find that writing on paper is best for me and as reported by Aytekin Tank for Fast Company, “Virginia Berninger, a professor emerita of education at the University of Washington, says the same: “When we write a letter of the alphabet, we form it component stroke, by component stroke, and that process of production involves pathways in the brain that go near or through parts that manage emotion.” Writing either in a journal or on sheets of paper really helped me turn down the inner voice.
  2. Fly on the wall. Recall past bad experiences through the vantage point of a fly rather than from your own eyes.  Adyuk and Kross studied the fly-on-the-wall effect in the laboratory. As written in APS, “In one series of experiments, for example, they asked volunteers to recall an intensely unpleasant experience—one that made them either very sad or very angry. Then they gave different volunteers different instructions. Some were told to visualize the experience through their own eyes, to immerse themselves in the sadness or anger and try to understand the feelings. Others were instructed to take the perspective of a fly on the wall—and with that perspective understand the feelings of that “distant self.” Those who experienced it from their own perspective, ended up reliving the bad experience.  Those who took on the fly perspective were able to be more subjective and analytical and were able to sustain this weeks later and, in many cases, had lower blood pressure.
  3. Second or third person.  When I coach clients, I’ve suggested using the second (you) or third (Suzy) person perspective when coping with challenges.  As Kross posits, “Use distanced self-talk. One way to create distance when you’re experiencing chatter involves language. When you’re trying to work through a difficult experience, use your name and the second-person “you” to refer to yourself.” I’ve noticed myself using this since reading the book. I’ve been in the middle of moving and I can start to get overwhelmed by the work I still need to do but I find myself saying, “You’ve got this, Cathy.  Step by step.” I find myself to be much more motivated and positive when my inner dialogue is focused on myself as a friend or third person.
  4. 10 years. When I first got sober, I used a program called the 30-day sobriety challenge and one of the most impactful tools was a meditation wherein I visualized myself in 10 years if I kept drinking alcohol. I rarely think about my future self and the impact of what I’m doing currently on what lay down the road. When I coach clients and they have a difficult decision or conversation pending I use a tool called 10:10:10. This is a concept developed by Suzy Welch for decision making. “Here’s how it works. Every time I find myself in a situation where there appears to be no solution that will make everyone happy, I ask myself three questions: What are the consequences of my decision in 10 minutes? In 10 months? And in 10 years?” So, when inner dialogue starts nit picking or ruminating about how much I disagree with a recent corporate decision or deciding on a big purchase or moving to a larger city;  I ask my inner voice to think about what Cathy ten years in the future will think.

Kross refers to distancing throughout the book.  All of these methods require, in a metaphoric sense, to step out of your brain, your own self, by either by dumping it on paper outside of yourself, taking on a different, outside perspective as a fly, or third person, or by time traveling into the future. In all four ways the microphone is turned down and a different view is presented. How do you harness your inner voice?