resentment – Workplace Navigator

I’ve been a professional coach for the last 15 years and have spent the last 3 years doing it full time. I have seen themes amongst my clients with the most prevalent being the inability to set boundaries. This was especially true when many of us became remote workers at the beginning of the pandemic. Half-naked spouses walked in the background of zoom calls, we were literally transported into colleagues’ bedrooms inclusive of unmade beds, screaming children and lounging pets. There never seemed to be an off switch to my laptop and the demands never seemed to stop. We’ve slowly inched back to what is nostalgically sort of normal (but not really). It’s time to start rebuilding the boundaries that we either had before the pandemic or start all over and initiate some boundaries from scratch.

I love this quote from Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, “Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/ or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.” Instead of walking around with resentment, think about one new boundary you could set up now so that you can take back control of your life.

Here are 5 tips to setting boundaries:

Minimize Notifications. I had a client complain about their spouse because they were unwilling to make dinner when she was delayed at work. I shared the Brene quote about resentment and said, “It sounds like he’s setting a boundary and perhaps you resent him for it.” She told me that the next evening she received a text a 3 AM. It ruined her sleep. She had an epiphany that she needed to set a boundary. She set up her phone to not receive text notifications from 9 PM until 5 AM. I can remember when I first got my laptop, I was getting bells and beeps for all kinds of reasons and I spent the next week figuring out how to turn them off. Most notifications are nothing but distractions and they invade at the most inopportune times like sleep or when you want to be fully present. Turning off notifications that aren’t useful is one boundary you can set.

Communicate with Clarity. I love the Power of the Positive No by William Ury because it’s all about communicating your values proactively instead of falling into resentment. The template is Yes, No, Yes. The first yes is what you value like “I value being present for my family when I’m not working”, the no is “I won’t be receiving notifications after work hours” and finally the last yes which is “If it’s truly an emergency I propose you can call my cell phone.” Setting expectations is a key part of setting boundaries. If you aren’t going to answer email or will be responding to slack messages at the end of the day, let your employee, coworkers and boss know. It can be quite jarring when someone who would answer you immediately suddenly starts answering texts the next day. Communicate your boundary upfront.

Get Uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is about leaning into discomfort. I typically don’t have clients of Fridays and I don’t have clients after 3 PM so that I can go swimming at a local pool. It can be uncomfortable when someone wants me to set up a recurring appointment during these times. I don’t necessarily have a conflict but this is my time. I have to make myself and what Stephen Covey referred to as Q2 time or quadrant 2 time, that which is important but not urgent. Lots of things fall into this quadrant like writing this blog, going swimming and working on ancestry projects. It’s uncomfortable to make this a priority. It doesn’t help that women aren’t typically good at advocating for themselves. To advocate for yourself by setting boundaries is to get uncomfortable.

Others May Not Get It. When I start advocating for myself with boundaries there is a good chance that other folks won’t get it. They may push back. It’s fine to empathize with “I can see you are frustrated I won’t change my schedule on Fridays” or “I can see you are upset that I didn’t respond to your email until this morning.” Just because someone else isn’t comfortable with your boundary is not an indication that the boundary is not useful or needed. As Wayne Dyer said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” Let go of the expectation that others will understand your boundary.

Stay Flexible. I go to bed at an outrageously early time for a grown adult. I usually head to bed at 8:30 PM. This has contributed greatly to better sleep for me. I have learned that if my kids are home or I am visiting others, I will need to be flexible. I recently saw my kid’s uncle in New York. I hadn’t seen him in over 10 years and it meant driving a night (something I try to avoid) and not getting home until 10 PM. Yes, I have boundaries but I need to be flexible and adaptable to the situation at hand. I also have to pick up my son in the middle of the night as he travels back from several weeks overseas in the Republic of Georgia. I may flex or update my boundary but I’m able to resume it, if it’s still a priority to me.

As I frequently tell my clients it’s important to start small. I think of Tim Ferris’ book, “The 4-hour workweek,” in which he only responds to emails once a week and he had clearly outlined boundaries throughout his week so that he is able to only work 4 hours a week. That is great for Tim. It’s not necessary to start there for you or me. Start small and get a win on creating one tiny boundary. What boundary will you try first?

Looking back I wonder why I have devoted so much time and contemplation to resentment. I’ve never really worried about “letting it go”. I hold onto it for years, decades, dragging it around like a childhood stuffed bear. I can’t imagine how much energy I would have if I could be refunded all the time I spend on resentment. Carrie Fisher said it best “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s time to lay off the poison.

I think of resentment like an open mental loop. Like when you’re at lunch with a friend and can’t remember the name of Gary Burghoff’s character in M.A.S.H. It circles in your brain until you finally close the loop when you sit up in bed at 4 AM and say “Radar!” or more likely when you Google it. Resentment just keeps stirring around and around. It saps your ego, your courage and can never seem to be requited. I’m here to tell you, it can be. Want to quit drinking the poison?

Here is the fix:

1. Recreate. Take what you to believe to be reality and recreate it. When you got dumped by that guy fifteen years ago, he really adored you but couldn’t handle your brilliance. That job you got fired from? They knew your business acumen was way beyond their capacity so they set you free. It doesn’t really matter how you recreate it so long as you put it in a positive light. Focus on the upside. Recreate your past so that you can let go of it and move forward.

2. Moment. I listen to Dr. Wayne Dwyer each morning when I meditate. One of the affirmations he says every morning is “I know that in each moment I am free to decide”. So if you want to dwell on the past and every grudge you ever had, it’s your choice. I’d recommend looking at what has gone right. Stay out of the limbic brain and focus on the beauty around you. Take each moment as it comes and breathe it in. Skip the past, let go of the future. Be in the moment.

3. Hand off. Transfer the responsibility to a higher power. As Olivia Fox Cabane writes in her book “The Charisma Myth”, “try a responsibility transfer to alleviate anxiety. Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity – the Universe, God, Fate – and entrust it with all the worries in your mind.” Release what is dragging you down and let the almighty power carry the burden. It will definitely lighten your load. Hand off your grudges and move on.

4. Spill. Get out a piece of paper and spill your guts. This is another recommendation from “The Charisma Myth”. Get out a pen and paper (don’t cheat and use the computer, it’s not as effective). Write out all the wrongs, affronts, deceits and slights your nemesis has done to you. Use several pages if need be. Write it all down. Every nasty detail. Purge it out of your system. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. Just get it all out. I actually did this recently and boy did it feel good to get that poison out of my system. Spill your guts.

5. Accept. This is part two of “Spill”, Accept An Apology. Get out a second piece of paper. Now write an apology from the nemesis you just spilled your guts about. Do not cast any blame on yourself in this apology. This is all about your nemesis (ex, boss, coworker, neighbor, etc.) taking responsibility. Address every wrong in the letter. Make sure there are no loose ends. I found this to really set me free. I felt lighter. Content even. Cabane suggests that if you don’t get satisfaction after writing the apology. Read the apology every day until you do. Accept the apology and move forward.

I have to say this has worked for me. I really do spend less energy on the past, the grudge, the resentment. There might be one or two old ties that creep into my brain once in a while but letting go has propelled me forward. Quit drinking the poison and let go.

What are you resenting?