Tag: praise

🧐Narcissistic Boss? Here are 7 Secrets.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

You made a big mistake. You criticized your boss for the way they delegated the project. Now you are in her sights. You’ve pulled the pin on the grenade and now you are holding it. No one critiques the narcissistic boss because the collateral damage is huge. Your next performance review will be toast and your next assignment will be unattainable and sure to fail with heroic deadlines not met. Hell hath no fury as a narcissistic boss who is criticized.

I haven’t had a narcissistic boss in decades but I sure see them around me. In fact, since I first wrote about narcissism, I’ve suddenly started to see them everywhere. Speaking engagements, workshops and parties, they are ubiquitous. How can you tell them? They do all the talking and very little listening. They are always right as well.

So here are the secrets to dealing with your narcissistic boss:

1. Do not complain to others. I know misery loves company but a narcissist is paranoid. Really paranoid. She is on the hunt for any detractors. And detractors will not be tolerated. Whether it’s texting or email or hushed voices by the water cooler, assume that the narcissist boss is omniscient. If there is a way to find out gossip about their carefully crafted image, they will find a way and there will be consequences.

2. Do not be friends. As Susan Price wrote for IvyExec, “Narcissists lack empathy, so they are not capable of true friendships. You might feel betrayed if you think you are becoming friends with one only to find they act without your interests in mind. If they are friendly to you, it is because they want something, whether your attention, your ideas, or anything else.” I have been personally burned by this several times in my career. I’ve had narcissists promise me the moon in my career only to find them to be completely empty. There is only one person they care about and that is themselves.

3. Keep your guard up. I know this can be exhausting. Constantly being vigilant for any sign of backstabbing or manipulation can take a lot of energy. Set boundaries and do not cross them. As Jacquelyn Smith wrote for Business Insider, “Understand that winds change quickly, and you may get undercut at any time. You can record and document every conversation and keep every email trail, but the narcissist has the ability to think quickly and act differently. And you will never see it coming.” Don’t get blindsided. Stay vigilant.

4. Give them praise. I know this seems like brown nosing, and it is, but the narcissist’s image of themselves is paramount in their mind. As Price writes, “Always remember that everything is about her/him. So if your words and actions make her/him feel good, she/he will be far more tolerable than if she/he feels that you are doing something that attacks her/him such as undermining her/him authority or criticizing her/him. Narcissists want praise and acknowledgement, so be prepared to give it to them.” A little sugar goes a long way.

5. Protect their image by taking the blame. Another bitter pill which is why you probably need to look at #7. Falling on the sword or keeping facts under wraps so that the narcissist’s image is maintained can be soul crushing. As Price posits, “Narcissists don’t take responsibility for anything negative, whether it is a bad culture in the office or declining revenues. It has to be someone else’s fault.” Scan the office for any detrimental indicators and proactively put them to bed.

6. Don’t compete with them. Narcissists are winners. They never lose. So don’t try and grab the limelight even if you worked 80 hours last week to get the project out the door. As Price writes, “Your boss will assume that you are doing good work because of what he taught you. Your award should be his; after all, you work for him, don’t you? You can’t win. Ever. So don’t play.” You are not opponents in a game, you are the support that helps them win.

7. Have an exit plan. I have a dear friend who was under the thumb of a narcissistic boss for upwards of three years. After empty promises and grueling months of 80 plus hour thankless work weeks, he started searching for his next job. So have a financial plan, keep your life in balance (don’t take this out on your family) and update your resume. There may be other opportunities in the organization. If you are not up to #1 through #6? Exiting gracefully is the best option. And don’t hesitate to use a professional coach or a friend help you with the plan and the process. You need someone on your side.

I think it’s like marriage. I was married to a narcissist and thought I could change him. It’s not possible. You can’t expect to change a narcissist boss. You can have all the staff development days in an organization but narcissists just point the fingers at everyone else. All they see in the mirror is their own carefully crafted image.

🪁Untethering from Praise and Criticism

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It’s so easy for me to get caught up in what someone says about me.  Good or bad or devastating. To tie my worth to someone else’s words.  To measure myself in someone else’s eyes. One comment about my weight from a family member, whether too thin or too heavy, can cut deeper than any physical cut. In Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big, she writes about the principles of unhooking from praise and criticism.  I found her words to be very insightful and freeing. 

Here are ways to untether from praise or criticism:

Feedback doesn’t tell you about you.  Crazy right?  Feedback is about who delivered the feedback.  So, if someone tells me the project doesn’t have enough detail, it’s more about their need for detail.  If someone tells me, it’s too far to drive, it’s too far for them to drive.  If someone tells me eating plant based isn’t healthy, it isn’t healthy for them. I also think this is about boundary setting as Brene Brown espouses.  If someone criticizes you about not working enough, they resent you because they are unable to set the same boundary.  I do know there is valid feedback that is of use like, “This is too salty” or “That color is lovely on you.” It’s just important to use the lens that whatever feedback you get is more about the other person than you.

Incorporate useful feedback and let go of the rest. I bought my third house when I was 8 months pregnant with my son, Benson. My conservative father told me that a bank would not give me a loan because I was pregnant. I was an entrepreneur and the bread winner in the house and he assumed they would not give me the loan.  I got the loan.  Sweating over whether they would or wouldn’t was not useful. My wonderful editor’s feedback on my blog posts is useful. Criticism from elsewhere of the end-of-life care for my dog was not. As Mohr writes, “Much of the feedback you’ll receive is not important to integrate into your work.  This is especially true for women innovators, change agents and activists.  Some of it is plain old backlash. Some reflects people’s being threatened by or not understanding cutting edge ideas. Some reflects attachment to the old way.” The most important feedback is from your intended audience and decision makers, focus on them. Piece out the feedback that is useful and let go of the rest.

Women who play big get criticized. As written by Mohr, “Think of the women you admire because of the significant impact they’ve made on their communities, their companies, or their industries.  Were they universally adored?  No, to say the least. Women doing or saying anything of substance draw both criticism and praise.  Some people give them a standing ovation and some throw tomatoes.” She suggests reading the book reviews on a woman author you like and to see both the positive and negative reviews. It’s important to remember that no one is universally beloved so don’t let criticism tarnish your shine.

Criticism hurts when it mirrors our own thinking. This is painfully true for me. I had a client last year that didn’t find his coaching time with me to be useful. It was a gut punch. I could have a hundred clients give me amazing reviews and the one guy who didn’t find me useful was crushing.  I have coached hundreds of clients at this point and I’m going to get tied to that one piece of feedback because I think I’m just not a good enough coach? Any weight related comment has the same effect, “You’re too skinny,” or “You could lose some weight.” I am so insecure about my appearance that any comment can send me into a tailspin. If someone doesn’t like my black bean brownies or mushroom risotto?  I could care less.. It’s the areas where I’m already insecure that does the most damage. I have to be diligent not to get hooked on the feedback that mirror my own insecurities.

What’s more important to me than praise? For me, it’s all about figuring out where I want to add value. It’s nice if someone likes my earrings or my new RV but where am I trying to have an impact?  I think of the countless coaches who have achieved their goals of living an intentional life or being a confident, influential leader.  This is where my value is.  Not the scale, or my bank account, or objects in my life.  If one woman travels solo overseas, or quits her toxic working situation or sets new boundaries that bring her peace, that’s where my impact is.  Figure out what impact you want to have in your corner of the world and focus on that.

I remember when I was looking for my replacement in my last job.  One of the candidates said I was a legend in Human Resources.  This was very high praise. It clouded my thinking on the candidate and gave too much weight to their candidacy. I was too hooked on the praise. Praise or criticism clouds my thinking.  What are you more hooked by? Criticism or praise?

😁5 Strategies to Praise

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I’m reading Shawn Achor’s book, Big Potential, How transforming the pursuit of success raises our achievement, happiness and well-being. I was really struck by his strategies to use praise and I think it’s valuable information for anyone with direct reports, children, co-workers, coaches or partners.  Achor views praise as a prism rather than being a praise miser (one who keeps praise to themselves). He said, ““By denying the light of praise, we extinguish it. By bending the light toward others, we magnify it.” It is such a beautiful sentiment.  I think it’s similar to the analogy that lighting someone else’s flame won’t diminish our own flame.  Praise can be used in useful ways to transform a family, team or organization.  

Here are Achor’s strategies to praise:

Stop comparison praise.  Ugh!  Guilty as charged!  I have done this countless times with my children over their lifetime. And yet I know that as Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” So, what makes me think that saying my daughter is the best writer or my son is the fastest on the team is really authentic praising. I never realized it but if you tell me I’m the best coach then, I have to wonder, who else has coached you or am I just the “best” coach today.  Anchor exposes not using superlatives like “best, fastest, prettiest, thinnest, strongest, and smartest.”  Much like stopping to say “why” in the last few years as it can be accusatory, using superlatives is a difficult habit to break. Achor says “Don’t prop people up by kicking others down.” This is a new realization for me and a new awareness I am trying to embrace.

Spotlight the right. This is catching things that are going right.  Just as focusing on everything that is wrong brings the whole team down, focusing on what is right can bring the whole team up.  We are walking around with a negativity bias so it’s much easier to focus on what is going wrong.  I’m trying to be the person who is finding what’s going right.  This ties into the Losada Ratio: The ratio represents the number of positive interactions with an individual, divided by the number of negative interactions, measured over a period of time. As an example, if you made five positive comments for every negative comment you made when talking with a team member, your ratio would be 5:1. For employees to feel engaged and happy they need at least a 3:1 ratio, for a marriage it’s 5:1.  As Achor espouses, “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”

Praise the base. This is about acknowledging and sharing the love.  So, if your team put in the work to get the project over the finish line and people are acknowledging your presentation, be sure to point out all the work the team did to get you there. As Achor wrote, “When we help others become better, we can actually increase the available opportunities, instead of vying for them.” Teams don’t win championships without supporting the whole team to get there. And while I write this, I think about my brain trust of friends who read this blog for me for feedback and edits,  Thank you Susan, Janine, Susannah and Natalie, you are the reason this blog is still here after 12 years! Acknowledge those that got you here.

Democratize praise. Spread it around.  It’s like paying forward to some degree.  When the woman behind the desk at the swim center tells me to have a nice day, or I hold the door for someone at the coffee shop and they pick up the coin that fell from the man’s wallet and on and on and on. Kindness and praise is infectious; so spread it around.

Unlock the hidden 31. As Achor wrote, “31% of people are secretly positive but do not express it at work.  Instead of targeting the negative people, get the hidden 31 to start expressing their positive outlook and transform your culture.” There are terrific systems like Globoforce where folks can give positive feedback or Kudos to co-workers, direct reports and CEOs’. These types of systems can help unlock the hidden 31.  Figure out a way to get these folks spreading their praise and positivity.

The families, organizations and teams that figure this out can go far as is illustrated in the book’s title Big Potential.  Praise is a critical piece to transforming the culture into one of mutual appreciation and growth.  How do you praise?