Tag: positive no

😎 3 Steps to the Positive No

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I just finished William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No.  Ury is the coauthor of Getting to Yes and Getting Past No and is a negotiating expert as well as the cofounder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation.  He knows of what he writes. “No” is one of the most uncomfortable things to say as it puts a stake in the ground or sets up a boundary. And for most folks, including myself, this can be difficult.  To push back in scenarios where work is impeding your personal life or standing firm in a decision to go down one path instead of another (more popular, better supported) path can be anguishing. 

The first paradigm around No that I learned was from coach and author Christine Kane in what she originally referred to as the Proactive No and, has since changed it to, the Natural No.  I can see now that they have some of the same principles although Ury’s has a lot more detail. Kane’s structure is really more a combination of Ury’s Step 1 and Step 2 and leaves out Step 3 which I can see is very imporant.

Here are the 3 steps to the Positive No:

Express your Yes. As Ury writes, “Perhaps the single biggest mistake we make when we say No is to start from No. We derive our No from what we are against – the other’s demand or behavior.  A Positive No calls on us to do the exact opposite and base our No on what we are for.  Root your No in a deeper Yes – a Yes to your core interests and to what truly matters.” So, I have to think about what my core belief is or my why.  If my boss wants me to work this Saturday, my Yes is quality time with my family.  My Yes is spending dinners with my family.  My Yes is getting 8 hours of sleep.  My Yes is focusing on plant-based foods.  I have to figure out my underlying Yes before saying No which takes thought.  Leading with Yes is a much more positive, respectful approach.  Kane’s framework involves preset boundaries and expressing them like “Sunday nights are for family” or “I only work with 10 clients at a time.” Being very clear with your boundaries or what you say Yes to. It’s not about stopping someone in their tracks, it’s shedding light on another aspect of your work or life that perhaps the other person is not aware of. It takes preparation and thought but start with your Yes. And it gives the other person a chance to understand you better.

Assert your No. Ury posits, “Saying No is essential to life.  Every living cell has a membrane that allows certain needed nutrients to pass through and repels others.  Every living organism needs such boundaries to protect itself.  To survive and thrive, every human being and every organization needs to be able to say No to anything that threatens their safety, dignity and integrity.” He says that No is quiet, deep and firm. He also suggests having a Plan B which is a backup plan but is not dependent on the other person. He also recommends answering three questions before saying No, “Do I have the interest in saying No? Do I have the power?  Do I have the right?” It’s important to focus on yourself and not to sweeten it up to be more receptive by the receiver. I’ve waffled many times in the past on my No.  No is not a negotiation, it’s a statement.  Controlling the other’s person’s reaction is not up to you.  You can always empathize with how they feel like “I can see this caught your off guard” or “I understand you are upset with this”.   Just don’t sympathize or feel their pain, just understand their pain. In Kane’s Proactive No, the No is the main focus although the Yes is embedded in it by saying “I spend dinners with my family so I can’t attend this meeting.” It gives the why Yes and the No all in the same statement. It leaves off the next step which I think is the most important. 

Propose a Yes. Ury states, “Delivering a Positive No is the cure of the process, requiring skill and tact.  It begins with an affirmation (Yes!), proceeds to establish a limit (No) and ends with a proposal (Yes?). This gives the opportunity for a positive outcome. You’re closing one door and asking the other to walk through another door.”  Making a proposal shows respect and anticipates their needs. “Quality family time is important to me (Yes), I can’t work on the project this weekend (No), I propose I work late Monday and Tuesday to get it done (Yes?).”  It also gives the other person a chance to say yes.  Sometimes, the other person is angry or triggered. Sometimes, you can be upset or triggered.  Giving space to cool off and coming back to a proposal may be in order.  Sometimes, there’s not enough information and you can suggest a later time or to gather more information. You can also you If…Then proposals, “If I get project C done by noon, I can sit in on the interview.” I think the proposal aspect is the most freeing of the process because it’s not the cold hard No.  It’s a No with a possibility of a different Yes. It’s a great opportunity to test assumptions. 

I really think this framework is empowering because I typically would get caught up in being nice and not wanting to ruffle feathers so I would avoid saying no.  It’s also important to know that someone could get angry or defensive or sad but none of that is in your control.  What is important is making space to live your values and being able to set up boundaries.  How do you say No?

😃 5 Tips to Setting Boundaries

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I’ve been a professional coach for the last 15 years and have spent the last 3 years doing it full time.  I have seen themes amongst my clients with the most prevalent being the inability to set boundaries. This was especially true when many of us became remote workers at the beginning of the pandemic. Half-naked spouses walked in the background of zoom calls, we were literally transported into colleagues’ bedrooms inclusive of unmade beds, screaming children and lounging pets. There never seemed to be an off switch to my laptop and the demands never seemed to stop.  We’ve slowly inched back to what is nostalgically sort of normal (but not really).  It’s time to start rebuilding the boundaries that we either had before the pandemic or start all over and initiate some boundaries from scratch.

I love this quote from Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, “Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/ or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.” Instead of walking around with resentment, think about one new boundary you could set up now so that you can take back control of your life.

Here are 5 tips to setting boundaries:

Minimize Notifications. I had a client complain about their spouse because they were unwilling to make dinner when she was delayed at work.  I shared the Brene quote about resentment and said, “It sounds like he’s setting a boundary and perhaps you resent him for it.” She told me that the next evening she received a text a 3 AM.  It ruined her sleep.  She had an epiphany that she needed to set a boundary.  She set up her phone to not receive text notifications from 9 PM until 5 AM. I can remember when I first got my laptop, I was getting bells and beeps for all kinds of reasons and I spent the next week figuring out how to turn them off. Most notifications are nothing but distractions and they invade at the most inopportune times like sleep or when you want to be fully present. Turning off notifications that aren’t useful is one boundary you can set.

Communicate with Clarity.  I love the Power of the Positive No by William Ury because it’s all about communicating your values proactively instead of falling into resentment. The template is Yes, No, Yes.  The first yes is what you value like “I value being present for my family when I’m not working”, the no is “I won’t be receiving notifications after work hours” and finally the last yes which is “If it’s truly an emergency I propose you can call my cell phone.” Setting expectations is a key part of setting boundaries.  If you aren’t going to answer email or will be responding to slack messages at the end of the day, let your employee, coworkers and boss know.  It can be quite jarring when someone who would answer you immediately suddenly starts answering texts the next day.  Communicate your boundary upfront.

Get Uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is about leaning into discomfort. I typically don’t have clients of Fridays and I don’t have clients after 3 PM so that I can go swimming at a local pool. It can be uncomfortable when someone wants me to set up a recurring appointment during these times.  I don’t necessarily have a conflict but this is my time.  I have to make myself and what Stephen Covey referred to as Q2 time or quadrant 2 time, that which is important but not urgent.  Lots of things fall into this quadrant like writing this blog, going swimming and working on ancestry projects. It’s uncomfortable to make this a priority. It doesn’t help that women aren’t typically good at advocating for themselves.  To advocate for yourself by setting boundaries is to get uncomfortable. 

Others May Not Get It. When I start advocating for myself with boundaries there is a good chance that other folks won’t get it.  They may push back. It’s fine to empathize with “I can see you are frustrated I won’t change my schedule on Fridays” or “I can see you are upset that I didn’t respond to your email until this morning.” Just because someone else isn’t comfortable with your boundary is not an indication that the boundary is not useful or needed. As Wayne Dyer said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”  Let go of the expectation that others will understand your boundary.

Stay Flexible. I go to bed at an outrageously early time for a grown adult.  I usually head to bed at 8:30 PM. This has contributed greatly to better sleep for me.  I have learned that if my kids are home or I am visiting others, I will need to be flexible. I recently saw my kid’s uncle in New York.  I hadn’t seen him in over 10 years and it meant driving a night (something I try to avoid) and not getting home until 10 PM.  Yes, I have boundaries but I need to be flexible and adaptable to the situation at hand.  I also have to pick up my son in the middle of the night as he travels back from several weeks overseas in the Republic of Georgia.  I may flex or update my boundary but I’m able to resume it, if it’s still a priority to me. 

As I frequently tell my clients it’s important to start small. I think of Tim Ferris’ book, “The 4-hour workweek,” in which he only responds to emails once a week and he had clearly outlined boundaries throughout his week so that he is able to only work 4 hours a week.  That is great for Tim.  It’s not necessary to start there for you or me.  Start small and get a win on creating one tiny boundary.  What boundary will you try first?

👍 Steps to the Positive No

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I just finished William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No.  Ury is the coauthor of Getting to Yes and Getting Past No and is a negotiating expert as well as the cofounder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation.  He knows of what he writes. “No” is one of the most uncomfortable things to say as it puts a stake in the ground or sets up a boundary. And for most folks, including myself, this can be difficult.  To push back in scenarios where work is impeding your personal life or standing firm in a decision to go down one path instead of another (more popular, better supported) path can be anguishing. 

The first paradigm around No that I learned was from coach and author Christine Kane in what she originally referred to as the Proactive No and, has since changed it to, the Natural No.  I can see now that they have some of the same principles although Ury’s has a lot more detail. Kane’s structure is really more a combination of Ury’s Step 1 and Step 2 and leaves out Step 3 which I can see is very imporant.

Here are the 3 steps to the Positive No:

Express your Yes. As Ury writes, “Perhaps the single biggest mistake we make when we say No is to start from No. We derive our No from what we are against – the other’s demand or behavior.  A Positive No calls on us to do the exact opposite and base our No on what we are for.  Root your No in a deeper Yes – a Yes to your core interests and to what truly matters.” So, I have to think about what my core belief is or my why.  If my boss wants me to work this Saturday, my Yes is quality time with my family.  My Yes is spending dinners with my family.  My Yes is getting 8 hours of sleep.  My Yes is focusing on plant-based foods.  I have to figure out my underlying Yes before saying No which takes thought.  Leading with Yes is a much more positive, respectful approach.  Kane’s framework involves preset boundaries and expressing them like “Sunday nights are for family” or “I only work with 10 clients at a time.” Being very clear with your boundaries or what you say Yes to. It’s not about stopping someone in their tracks, it’s shedding light on another aspect of your work or life that perhaps the other person is not aware of. It takes preparation and thought but start with your Yes. And it gives the other person a chance to understand you better.

Assert your No. Ury posits, “Saying No is essential to life.  Every living cell has a membrane that allows certain needed nutrients to pass through and repels others.  Every living organism needs such boundaries to protect itself.  To survive and thrive, every human being and every organization needs to be able to say No to anything that threatens their safety, dignity and integrity.” He says that No is quiet, deep and firm. He also suggests having a Plan B which is a backup plan but is not dependent on the other person. He also recommends answering three questions before saying No, “Do I have the interest in saying No? Do I have the power?  Do I have the right?” It’s important to focus on yourself and not to sweeten it up to be more receptive by the receiver. I’ve waffled many times in the past on my No.  No is not a negotiation, it’s a statement.  Controlling the other’s person’s reaction is not up to you.  You can always empathize with how they feel like “I can see this caught your off guard” or “I understand you are upset with this”.   Just don’t sympathize or feel their pain, just understand their pain. In Kane’s Proactive No, the No is the main focus although the Yes is embedded in it by saying “I spend dinners with my family so I can’t attend this meeting.” It gives the why Yes and the No all in the same statement. It leaves off the next step which I think is the most important. 

Propose a Yes. Ury states, “Delivering a Positive No is the cure of the process, requiring skill and tact.  It begins with an affirmation (Yes!), proceeds to establish a limit (No) and ends with a proposal (Yes?). This gives the opportunity for a positive outcome. You’re closing one door and asking the other to walk through another door.”  Making a proposal shows respect and anticipates their needs. “Quality family time is important to me (Yes), I can’t work on the project this weekend (No), I propose I work late Monday and Tuesday to get it done (Yes?).”  It also gives the other person a chance to say yes.  Sometimes, the other person is angry or triggered. Sometimes, you can be upset or triggered.  Giving space to cool off and coming back to a proposal may be in order.  Sometimes, there’s not enough information and you can suggest a later time or to gather more information. You can also you If…Then proposals, “If I get project C done by noon, I can sit in on the interview.” I think the proposal aspect is the most freeing of the process because it’s not the cold hard No.  It’s a No with a possibility of a different Yes. It’s a great opportunity to test assumptions. 

I really think this framework is empowering because I typically would get caught up in being nice and not wanting to ruffle feathers so I would avoid saying no.  It’s also important to know that someone could get angry or defensive or sad but none of that is in your control.  What is important is making space to live your values and being able to set up boundaries.  How do you say No?