positive brain – Workplace Navigator

You assume that your boss remembers that you will be out of town on Friday. You assume that your partner remembers that you have a late appointment this afternoon. You assume that your co-worker didn’t include you in the invite because your opinion isn’t needed…or wanted. You assume that the CEO knows that you’ve been burning the midnight oil for weeks to get the financials done. You do it. I do it. We all make assumptions. It’s a dangerous path.

Left unchecked and unexamined, assumptions can destroy relationships, teams and organizations. Your boss is expecting you at the ad hoc meeting she set up on Friday and is disappointed that you didn’t show. Your partner is angry that she left work early to surprise you at home, only to find you missing in action. You resent your CEO for not acknowledging all the extra work you’ve been doing on the financials. Assuming is easy. It doesn’t take a lot of effort. Just a jump or two. Tying two dots together that really aren’t related. But looking down the assumption path a little further can reveal resentment, lack of trust and undermine your relationships.

Here is what you can do to fix it:

* Clarify. It seems simple to clarify. Obvious, really. But it takes effort. Your brain is hard wired for negativity. You have survived extinction because of this negativity bias, but there are no more saber-toothed tigers chasing you. It is easy to assume that not having been included in the meeting is an intentional slight rather than an oversight. But if you clarify with the meeting organizer that you would like to attend the meeting, if at all possible; or if you proactively tell your CEO that you’ve been working hard on the financials, you change up your personal dynamic. This is clarification and not boasting.

* Listen. Part of the Assuming Process is not actually listening. We ask a question we assume we know the answer to, and then don’t listen. I am so guilty of this. I think I know the answer and as a “show of concern”, I ask the question but never listen to the response. Just a short cut to save time, but so disrespectful. I get distracted by my grocery list or trying to remember if I need to go to the bank, and never hear the response. It could be the time of the meeting that you assume is at 10, but has been pushed to 10:30. You are smiling and nodding but never connect to the answer. Listen.

* Be open to conflict. Yeah. I know. Most of us are conflict averse. We’d rather hold onto our assumptions than actually step into a conflict. Keep everything copacetic. Keep everyone happy. Don’t rock the boat. As a consequence, the safety issue is never brought up or the budget short fall isn’t discussed.. I have lost sleep over assumptions. Unchecked, it could have lead me down a completely different path. Step into conflict–you can resolve it.

* Slow down. Part of what fuels an assumption is taking a short cut. If you slow down the pace, you will stay in your prefrontal cortex, where you do your best thinking. When you are in a reactive mode, you’re in the back of your head, where your flight or fight response is. Where you don’t do your best thinking. This is why it’s called jumping to conclusions. Your anxiety is up, your cortisol is pumping and your body is ready to run from the saber tooth tiger. My coach starts off every session with a breath-in for the count of 6 a total of 3 times. Slow down and breath to quit jumping to conclusions.

* Forgive. This can be for yourself, as well as others. As Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” I’ve grappled with this myself. It’s hard to forgive someone for an assumption you created and may have carried for decades. It can be the frenemy who didn’t invite you to the graduation party back in 1979, or the family member who never thanked you for the gift, or even when you continued to meddle in your child’s life. The resentment is hurting you more than them. Take out a piece of paper or journal, and forgive them one and all–even yourself. Forgive early and often.

* Use technology. When I travel out of town now, I send my daughter a meeting request with the airline information. I will frequently forget to tell her that I’m going out of town, and this keeps her proactively informed. Give your assistant access to your calendar. It’s still a good idea to inform people but a sure-fire safe guard is to use your technology to keep them informed.

* Be positive. Envision the upside. I recently saw Rick Hanson and his great Ted Talk on the topic “Hardwiring Happiness“. It’s so easy to just decide that we are going to be worry warts for the rest of our lives. The thing is, you can develop a positive brain that lets the worry go. It takes work and practice, but we ALL have the capacity to have more positive reactions. This can help keep harmful assumptions at bay. Build positive pathways in your brain.

This is not accomplished overnight. We are all works in-progress. Even if you just spend 5 minutes a day meditating on what is positive in your life, you can start breaking down the pathways to assumptions. One assumption at a time.

Your coworker is complaining about their boss and you are sucked in. You start piling on your own jabs, mistreatments and judgments. You are cut off on the way to work and you start tailgating the person as payback. “You can’t push me around.” You overcook the steak and now you think the entire meal is horrible. There is too much salt, the beans are limp and the mashed potatoes are gummy. It all feeds on itself. The negative outcome of one thing goes wrong and now everything else spirals out of control. Your brain is wired for a negativity bias and in a world full of terrorism, wicked politics and “if it bleeds, it leads” sensationalized news, it can be catastrophically overwhelming.

Amazingly, you can overcome this. It’s going to take work but it’s fun work. Your brain is so malleable and elastic that you can actually rewire how you see the world. You can create a more positive brain and actually become more resilient in the process. Isn’t that great? We do not have to be victims of our modern day culture but can be in a happier, more relaxed positive state of mind. Are you up for this?

Here is how to create a more positive brain:

Pay attention to the good thoughts. When you are having a positive thought like Doesn’t my dog look adorable next to me or I just made everyone at the meeting laugh or My boyfriend is dancing in the doorway to my office. It’s like catching butterflies, you need to keep your butterfly net at the ready. Go catch them. Unfortunately, our negative bias frequently hijacks our brain. We tune into what is going wrong like the air temperature, the weather or your phone being slow. So you need to be vigilant in order to catch the good things as they flutter by.
Figure out what this experience or memory says about you. For example, when my dog is lying next to me in my office, I feel loved and appreciated. When I make everyone at the meeting laugh, I feel like I belong. When my boyfriend dances in my office doorway, I feel joy and silliness. As Rick Hanson says this adds and “enriches the experience.” His analogy is that it’s like adding logs to a fire. It burns even brighter. Keep adding logs to enrich and strengthen the great experience.
Soak up the positive experience like a sponge. Rick Hanson turned me onto this and he has a great Ted Talk on the topic: Hardwiring Happiness. Once you have caught that great experience, observation or memory, dwell on it for a bit. As Rick says, it can be for only 1 or 2 seconds, but marinate in the positive feeling. It is amazing how this feels. I feel my chest and head get warm and a smile starts on my face. I actually feel the happiness. Even if for a moment or two. In a few moments, you have actually fired neurons in your brain and started the process of rewiring. Isn’t that amazing? You have taken one small step to rewire your brain in the direction of positivity and happiness.
Start a gratitude journal. I’ve been writing in one for at least a decade. I write down 5 things I am grateful for and I think about a situation that I turned around to the positive. For example, if my daughter didn’t respond to my text, I figure her phone must be in another room (instead of she is in the ER and can’t answer her phone). One little reframe a day helps me keep a positive mindset and by acknowledging each reframe each day, I maintain the mindset.
Mediation or yoga. You do not have to silence your self-talk. This is the biggest misconception about meditation. A lot of people think that in meditation, you sit quietly and a switch in your head turns off. It is a practice and it is never perfect. Okay, so maybe there is a monk or two out there who can turn off their brains, but the rest of us mortals are all working with letting thoughts go. It’s letting worries go like balloons into the air. Try it for 3 minutes. Get an app like Calm, Whil, Insight Timer or Headspace. Most are free, so you can start now. And why not sign up for a yoga class while you’re at it? Even a once-a-week yoga session will give you physical benefits, increasing strength and flexibility. Plus it will help you to reduce stress and have a more positive outlook about your self and the world around you.
Turn off the catastrophic messages. I turned off the news some four years ago. I don’t have any news apps on my phone. I stream most of the television I watch, so I don’t need to view political ads. I don’t know if it’s the meditation practice or turning off the news, but I am much more relaxed and positive. It’s probably a combination of all these steps. I just notice this one the most. I was watching a college football game yesterday live on television and all of a sudden I was being bombarded with political ads. I felt like I was being assaulted. Negative ads stick more than positive (because of our negative bias), and they were hurling them at me like hand grenades. I am still informed about the political race and am voting. I just stay away from the distracting, stress-inducing messages. It was a relief to go back to my streamed shows and away from all that negativity.

Being more relaxed and happy has really helped me stay resilient and confident. This past month, I have had more speaking and facilitation gigs than ever before. Three years ago, I would have stressed out about each gig and lost sleep over the event. Now I just take one at a time, imagine the best outcome, and take it as it comes. I’m a better facilitator because of my positivity practice. Try it yourself.