Tag: perfection

🫣5 Fixes for Imposter Syndrome

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There have been countless times in my life where I felt like an imposter. When I was in Junior High, I was first flute in the All-State Orchestra (granted Delaware is a very small state). I was initially proud of making first chair only to be overwhelmed by feeling like I would be caught. Found out. Attending the Hotel School at Cornell University where I was a work study student feeling completely inadequate with my fellow upper crust students whose pedigree far outranked my own. My first job out of college as a manager for a catering company in Manhattan. I was a 21-year-old woman working in a basement with 25 men, some twice my age, trying to manage a fast-paced catering business where the only rule was to “yes” to any customer request (i.e., lunch for 100 people in 45 minutes). Every day in that basement was complete anarchy with four phone lines of incoming orders and trying to supervise a largely immigrant crew. I felt like I would be unmasked every day.

As written by Chris Palmer for the American Psychological Association, “Up to 82% of people face feelings of impostor phenomenon, struggling with the sense they haven’t earned what they’ve achieved and are a fraud (Bravata, D. M., et al., Journal of General Internal Medicine, Vol. 35, No. 4, 2020). These feelings can contribute to increased anxiety and depression, less risk-taking in careers, and career burnout.” 82% of people are feeling the same way as me?  This doesn’t surprise me because I coach people every day who struggle with these same feelings. This manifests in my clients as countless work hours, fear of delegation and perfectionism. 

Here are 5 fixes for imposter syndrome:

  1. Shine a light.  It starts with acknowledging you are feeling inadequate, or you are harboring doubts. As Jack Kelly wrote for Forbes, “The first thing you should do is acknowledge these feelings when they arise. There’s no need to hide it from others or feel badly about harboring these thoughts. By confronting your self-defeating thoughts, it’s the start of taking proactive steps to change your mindset.” Turn on that light switch and make what is in the back of your brain into the light.  Acknowledging is the first step in addressing it.
  2. Acknowledge your accomplishments. It’s really easy to have amnesia about your accomplishments.  Did you grow up in a single parent home and manage to graduate from high school? Are you able to speak two languages? Have you been able to raise a child to adulthood? Did you thwart a deadly illness? Have you finished a 5k? Did you finally earn that certification you always wanted? I remember finally crossing the mile high bridge on Grandfather Mountain.  I was terrified, but I did it. Write down your accomplishments and take stock.
  3. Watch your self-talk. I find the easiest way to reframe self-talk is to use the third person.  So instead of saying “I’m an idiot”, I think “Cathy you’re an idiot”.  Seems harsh.  I would NEVER call anyone an idiot so why the heck would I call myself an idiot.  It’s similar to reframe it to what you would say to a friend.  As Palmer wrote, “Try to observe when your impostor feelings surface and how you respond to them.” Be compassionate in your self-talk.
  4. Let go of perfectionism. I’ve coached countless folks who struggle with perfectionism.  In my mind it’s the manifestation of imposter feelings.  So, they constantly work harder and longer to make their output as perfect as possible so that no one will find out that they are imperfect and, therefore, an imposter. Palmer wrote, “It may help to release yourself from rigid roles. For example, Orbé-Austin said people with impostor phenomenon often see themselves as helpers––people who come to the rescue. “Breaking free from those roles so you can be someone who doesn’t know it all or someone who can’t always help can allow us to be more robust people and professionals,” she said.” Perfection is failing, it’s suffocating and keeping folks stuck.
  5. Share your thoughts. Perhaps through therapy, a coach, or a trusted friend, share your imposter feelings with someone you can confide in. I find when I coach that when my client actually says something out loud (instead of rumination), it will bring insight.  Saying it out loud makes it real and prompts examination. As Kelly wrote, “By sharing with others, it will release the pent-up burden. You’ll quickly find out that you’re not alone and this is shared by many other professionals. You will feel a big sense of relief once you find out that it’s commonplace, you’re in good company and it’s not just you.” Share your thoughts so others can weigh in and help examine their validity.

I believe that comparison is at the root of most imposter feelings. I envy my neighbors new Tesla, my friend’s vacation to the Alps, or my sister’s promotion to Vice President. Comparison is the thief of joy and will keep me in the imposter zone. As a friend said to me recently, “Stay in your lane.” Focus on what’s in front of you and your experience and let others focus on their lanes. How do you address imposter feelings?

👍 Autonomy: The Ultimate Gift

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Have you been a helicopter boss? Helicopter parent? Helicopter friend? I have. Constantly restricting the flow of information so only you make the decisions. You make sure all procedures are followed to the letter….or else. You set unrealistic goals so that your direct report will certainly fail. You keep a tight grip on someone else’s autonomy so you can feel in control.

Have you been on the receiving end of this deal? This takes me back to my first husband who had a motorcycle. We went to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco so he could show me how to drive the bike. Well. When I got on the bike and started to push the throttle, he held onto the back of the bike and it practically tipped over. No injuries but he just couldn’t let go. End of bike lesson. I have never driven a motorcycle since.

So how do you give the gift of autonomy?

Here are some ideas.

Let them fail. Yep. You read that right. You need to be able to let the people in your life either at work or at home, fail. I know I just made some parents out there wince. What? Let Johnnie flunk out? Let Suzy lose her job for being tardy all the time? As Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”. From failure comes immense learning and innovation. Autonomy is about letting them fail.

Quit expecting perfection. This is why managers don’t delegate. They want everything to be perfect. I have news for you. You never get to perfect. The perfect job, the perfect size, the perfect presentation. It is not attainable and paralyzes those around you. Acceptance of imperfection is where it’s at. People work harder if they know that you will be fair in your assessment and not point out every missed period or exclamation point :-)he he…

Ongoing and going and going positive feedback. If you did not get ongoing feedback from your mother, you would never have walked. So even if you fell down, she didn’t sit on the couch reading a newspaper. She gave you constant and ongoing feedback. So think about that the next time you delegate an important task. Dr. Marcial Losada created and studied this ratio of positive to negative messages within relationships and organizations. What he found was that organizations that have 2.9 or more positive messages over negative messages thrive. Those that fall below fail. In a marriage, it’s got to be 5.0 or better (thanks for emptying the garbage, Honey). Give positive feedback.

Don’t focus on problems. Focus on best outcomes. Ask your friend about what his best outcome would be. Focus on The What that he’s interested in. So Joe, “What would you like to see happen with this project?” “What can you control in this situation?” “What would make you feel like you accomplished something?” As David Rock espouses, focus on solutions (and stay clear of the problems). Keep it outcome based.

Don’t always have the answer. I am completely and utterly guilty of this. I am the Answerer in Chief. Life is one giant Jeopardy game and I’ll take Potpourri for $1000. Autonomy is all about your co-workers figuring things out on their own. If you always are giving the answers, they will never learn to “do” or “think”for themselves; they will merely mimic you. Autonomy is all about folks doing their own thinking. Let them make the connections. Teachers don’t give exams and sit there and give all the answers….right?

Mindset, talent and skills are not fixed. Embrace the growth mindset. As Carol Dweck defines it,

“In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.”

Autonomy involves having the growth mindset. Don’t look at what they can’t do, look at the possibility of what they can do.

So there you have it. How to encourage those in your life to have more autonomy. One of the three parts of motivation in his book Drive as written by Daniel Pink – autonomy, mastery and purpose. Pink says “Control leads to compliance; autonomy leads to engagement.” Imagine what we all could achieve with more autonomy. So give it away starting today.

Originally published on Change Your Thoughts on September 26, 2015

🤩You Are Enough

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

Have you been waiting to hear those words since say…kindergarten? I have. I generally have stayed uber-focused on my penmanship (sketchy), my height (too tall) and my value as a human being (a work-in-progress). This happens to the distraction from my more valuable traits like writing, coaching and being present. I am more worried about the illusive atta-boy (-girl) from my sixth-grade math teacher or my parents finally being happy with the career I have chosen.

Unfortunately, if you go looking for someone to say: “Cathy, you are good enough,” you will be waiting a long time. Your value is not determined by those outside of yourself. It’s an inside job. It’s between your ears. You need to decide you are good enough. No one is going to do it for you. Decide today. You are worthy. You are good enough. Go ahead. I’ll wait right here.

These might be the reasons holding you back from being enough:

The yardstick of perfection. Anne Lamott wrote brilliantly in Bird by Bird, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life… I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.” It’s OK if my handwriting isn’t that legible. It’s OK if I am taller than the rest. It’s OK if I have honestly wasted half a Saturday getting over vertigo and not writing. I just spent part of the morning criticizing myself for not going to the gym first thing or writing a post. Really? Like the exercise and blog gods are sitting around judging me for recovering from half a day spent getting to the bottom of my vertigo? So what? As Lamott says, you will die anyway. Spending time trying to be perfect is empty and completely unrewarding. You are good enough right now.

A gold medal won’t change a thing. Lamott famously quotes a 400 pound has-been coach, “If you’re not enough before the gold medal, you won’t be enough with it.” Interesting. If you are not enough before you lose 30 pounds, you won’t be enough after. If you are not enough before the big promotion, you won’t be after. If you are not enough before the divorce, you won’t be after. Worthiness is not a line in the sand. It’s not a point in time. It’s not after the big achievement or disappointment. You are worthy right now. And now. And now. Sit in that. Let it sink in. A gold medal will not make a difference.

You are uniquely you. The mold is busted and there is only one of you and your individual view on life. As Dr. Seuss famously said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Even you and your identical twin would have different shortcuts on your desktop. One of you was picked last or first on the soccer team. It has made all the difference. You now fight for the downtrodden or represent soccer player’s rights. Neither is better or worse. Just unique. Be you. Own it. Embody it. Be the unique you that you are.

Comparison is futile. Lamott said, “Never compare your insides to everyone else’s outsides.” You have no idea what your neighbor is going through or your coworker or your dog for that matter. You may be jealous of that new car but don’t realize they had to take over payments for their daughter. Your coworker is battling stage 4 colon cancer. Your dog has been barking at that neighbor dog for the last ten years and has yet to get the last word. We really have no idea what is going on for someone else and comparing it to your current situation is a recipe for disaster. Comparing does not make you feel worthy or enough. So stop comparing.

What other people think of me is none of my business. This is a Wayne Dyer quote that stops me cold. You have absolutely no control over what other people think of you. Let it go. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not. We’ve spent so much time on worrying about what others think. I remember having 11 different pairs of colored corduroy Levis in high school. It did not increase the number of friends I had. AND I was probably the only one who noticed. If you cannot move the needle on it, don’t bother worrying about it. Besides, you are perfectly good enough right now.

I was the last pick a lot in elementary school. My mother was upset with how I held a pencil in my hand. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school. It’s OK. Let the past go and move on. It has no impact on my worthiness right now. Let go of the judgments from the past and be enough. You are good enough. And so am I.

🧐7 Things for Perfectionists to Focus On

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I see so many of my clients get wrapped up with perfection. I have been guilty of constantly striving for perfection myself. I have measured my ability to be happy based on whether or not: I’m the perfect weight, I have the perfect job or I own the perfect house. I’ll warn you right now, you will never, ever, get to THERE. You never arrive at perfection so quit putting off your happiness until you get THERE. THERE is mythical. No one ever gets THERE.

I won’t deny that there are peaks along the way; those moments we refer to as the milestones of life – falling in love, getting married, job promotions, graduations and births. But invariably we slide right back to our happiness set point within 6 months. Generally, hedonic adaptation involves a happiness “set point”, whereby humans generally maintain a constant level of happiness throughout their lives, despite events that occur in their environment. So whether it’s hitting the lottery or having a spinal cord injury, your level of happiness resets to the same pre-event level.

The key is to change your set point, boost it; change the landscape. I’ve been working on this for the last few years or so. It’s like setting your thermostat up one degree at a time. It’s a slow process but I think it is actually working.

Seeing this photo of the Leaning Tower of Pisa prompted this post. It took over 344 years to build the tower and it was already leaning when they put on the second story. So, even though it was less than perfect, they kept at it. It is a nice metaphor. Embrace the lean and keep going. Keep building; one stone at a time.

So if you are a perfectionist (and most of us are) here are the 7 things to embrace the lean:

1. Accept. Obviously, the town and builders of Pisa accepted the lean. In fact, they have said they would rather see the tower topple than fix the lean. There is peace in acceptance. Where are you leaning right now? I’m not at my ideal weight. I’m still paying for student loans from my Master’s degree and, apparently, I’m not getting any younger. This is all true but getting on the scale in the morning cannot be the barometer of how I will feel all day. A pound up or a pound down. Hmmm. Interesting. One more data point. It’s still going to be a great day. Accept what is.

2. Gratitude. I’ve been writing a gratitude journal for over ten years. Every evening I write in it before I go to sleep. Usually it’s anywhere from four to ten names of people that I am grateful for. I’m not sure why I focus on people who had an impact on me during the day, it may have to do with how involved I have been with people in my career. You can write anything you want whether it’s the blue sky, the much needed rain or the roof over your head. Counting your blessings helps you focus on what is right with your world. This has had a huge impact on me. It keeps my glass half full. Focus on what you are grateful for.

3. Beauty. Beauty is everywhere. In the middle of winter it’s easy to see the outside world as cold and barren; leafless trees and arctic winds can seem ugly. But it’s all in how you look at it. A bracing wind makes me feel every part of my body. Barren trees make the squirrels, deer and birds much more apparent and reliant on us. There is the beauty of being snuggled up in bed when the wind is howling outside whether it’s with a good book, on the phone with a good friend or sleep. There is a beauty of slowing down to some degree with the seasons. And there is the truth that the beauty of the tower is the lean. Seek out the lean and the hidden beauty.

4. Reflection. Reflect on what you have accomplished. Most of the reason that coaching is so effective is that you have an outside person ask you to take stock in what you have done. We spend so much of our time thinking about what we haven’t done. Instead we need to think about all that we have done. I walked today, I made dinner, I worked, I wrote, I spent time with my son, I finally sent that overdue email, I did laundry and so on. I have clients who put off our appointment because they feel like they didn’t get any action items done. When we end up meeting, even if they are resistant, they find out that they’ve done more than half their action items. They were just focusing on what they hadn’t done. Take time to reflect on what you have done and give yourself credit.

5. Reframe. Context is everything. Our perception of what we are achieving is completely in our own heads. We are the bellwether, not anyone else. Or we can be at the hands of “What will the public think or judge?” So, if you live in an expensive neighborhood, your Hyundai will never be good enough yet if you drive through a less expensive neighborhood, it might be the most coveted car on the block. I love a cartoon that was going around on Facebook that said “I wish I was as fat as when I thought I was fat”. Reframe and be OK with right now.

6. Optimalist. As written in an article by James Woodworth, ” Optimalists accept that life can be tough and painful at times. Their realism enables them to build resilience and the ability to cope with the difficulties life presents them.” This is the opposite of a perfectionist. Perfectionists are constantly disappointed by falling short as well as by every failure. They dwell on every shortcoming and they never push the envelope. Optimalists don’t fear what they might lose. They believe in the gain. The folks in Pisa didn’t worry about the tower tumbling down. Push the envelope and be an Optimalist.

7. Moment. Be in the moment. Be present. Perfectionists are constantly thinking about “what if” and are overly busy protecting their image and the “what ifs”. When you are doing this, you are missing what is in front of you. Enjoy what you’re looking at – how the sun hit that tree at just the right angle, or the taste of the coffee or the feel of the sheets. It’s your life; be there for it. Be here. Right now. Feel the chair. Feel your breath. Listen to the buzz of the room. This moment; right now.

Much like the folks of Pisa, this all takes patience. Nothing is accomplished overnight. Congratulate yourself with each small step. If you take a step back, so what, brush it off and know that you are on the right path. An imperfect path.

😳6 Signs You are Hiding

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In Tara Mohr’s terrific book Playing Big, she lovingly calls out that most of us are using various ways to hide.  It’s a procrastination move to delay launch on whatever could propel one forward.    Waiting until one more set of eyes reviews my website, getting one more certification before applying for the “big” job I want or waiting to speak proper Portuguese before heading to Portugal. These are all tactics I use to delay, procrastinate and kick the can down the road just a little bit longer.  These are ways I play small instead of playing Big.

Here are 6 signs you are hiding:

This before That.  This is when I ordain that things must happen in a certain order.  Like I can’t write a blog until I set up a website.  I can’t set up a website until I have claimed a URL. I can’t claim a URL until I get a DBA.  I can’t get a DBA until I get a tax ID.  And on and on and on. Some things can happen concurrently.  Most things don’t need to be in a certain order.  Check your assumptions and shake things up.

Designing at the Whiteboard.  I think of this as designing in isolation.  Take 4 brilliant minds and give them a whiteboard to come up with some great ideas. There may indeed be some great ideas created on the whiteboard; the issue is when you don’t find out what other stakeholders or customers actually want.  Mohr says that’s safe and cozy with the whiteboard because we are not getting feedback from the market or devil’s advocates.  I think it also delays launching because you buy another whiteboard to expand your thinking instead of getting feedback and/or launching.  Don’t just stand in front of the whiteboard, engage.

Perfection. Reid Hoffman said, “If you are not embarrassed by the first version of your product, you launched it too late.” I think this is all about expecting and embracing errors and omissions. My first website, my first blog post, my first coaching client are all lessons in giving up perfection. I could always tinker and polish it a little bit longer but it’s diminishing returns. Perfection is exhaustingly unachievable. Let it go.  Seeking perfection is the “perfect” way to hide.

Not chiming in. This is all about when I listen to everyone else and never give my perspective. I think, as a leader, it’s important to weigh in after everyone else.  I just need to make sure that I weigh in as well.  As Mohr writes, “I’ve seen so many women make this move.  A woman becomes captivated by an idea.  She’s captivated because she’s noticed something missing from the conversation and has something to say.  Yet instead of sharing her own perspective, she creates a project to curate other people’s ideas about it. Give your perspective instead of hiding behind everyone else’s.

Omitting your own story. This is around the fear of being vulnerable.  I think back on telling my sobriety story.  I never shared it for fear that I would be “found out” or that it just wasn’t that interesting. That particular story (which took me 6 years to finally tell), has changed some people’s lives. As Mohr wrote, “Can we resist the fear-based tendency to make our work abstract or overly complex and instead trust that our lived experiences, insights, and natural ideas are enough to bring to the table?” It might be vulnerable.  It might be uncomfortable.  Tell your story anyway.

Believing you aren’t enough.  I was on this conveyor belt for years.  I had, at one time, an alphabet soup of letters after my name for all the various certifications and degrees I had attained. I coach women all day who want one more degree or certification or training before they take the leap.  Yes, it’s a great idea to learn and network.  As Mohr posits, “Talented women with a dream believe that they need another degree, training, or certification because they are not “enough” as they are.  They look to an external qualification to give them a sense of internal permission to lead and create.” You have permission.  You are enough.  Go lead and prosper!

Growth can be uncomfortable.  It’s OK to be uncomfortable. Get out from behind your hiding spot and feel the rain, or the beating sun or the gust of wind.  Do it scared.  Be seen.

You Are Enough

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy Noice, Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Have you been waiting to hear those words since say…kindergarten? I have. I generally have stayed uber-focused on my penmanship (horrible), my height (too tall) and my value as a human being (a work-in-progress). This happens to the distraction from my more valuable traits like writing, coaching and being present. I am more worried about the illusive atta-boy (-girl) from my sixth-grade math teacher or my parents finally being happy with the career I have chosen.

Unfortunately, if you go looking for someone to say: “Cathy, you are good enough,” you will be waiting a long time. Your value is not determined by those outside of yourself. It’s an inside job. It’s between your ears. You need to decide you are good enough. No one is going to do it for you. Decide today. You are worthy. You are good enough. Go ahead. I’ll wait right here.

These might be the reasons holding you back from being enough:

The yardstick of perfection. Anne Lamott wrote brilliantly in Bird by Bird, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life… I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.” It’s OK if my handwriting isn’t that legible. It’s OK if I am taller than the rest. It’s OK if I have honestly wasted half a Saturday getting over vertigo and not writing. I just spent part of the morning criticizing myself for not going to the gym first thing or writing a post. Really? Like the exercise and blog gods are sitting around judging me for recovering from half a day spent getting to the bottom of my vertigo? So what? As Lamott says, you will die anyway. Spending time trying to be perfect is empty and completely unrewarding. You are good enough right now.

fauzan-saari-687564-unsplash

A gold medal won’t change a thing. Lamott famously quotes a 400 pound has-been coach, “If you’re not enough before the gold medal, you won’t be enough with it.” Interesting. If you are not enough before you lose 30 pounds, you won’t be enough after. If you are not enough before the big promotion, you won’t be after. If you are not enough before the divorce, you won’t be after. Worthiness is not a line in the sand. It’s not a point in time. It’s not after the big achievement or disappointment. You are worthy right now. And now. And now. Sit in that. Let it sink in. A gold medal will not make a difference.

You are uniquely you. The mold is busted and there is only one of you and your individual view on life. As Dr. Seuss famously said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Even you and your identical twin would have different shortcuts on your desktop. One of you was picked last or first on the soccer team. It has made all the difference. You now fight for the downtrodden or represent soccer player’s rights. Neither is better or worse. Just unique. Be you. Own it. Embody it. Be the unique you that you are.

Comparison is futile. Lamott said, “Never compare your insides to everyone else’s outsides.” You have no idea what your neighbor is going through or your coworker or your dog for that matter. You may be jealous of that new car but don’t realize they had to take over payments for their daughter. Your coworker is battling stage 4 colon cancer. Your dog has been barking at that neighbor dog for the last ten years and has yet to get the last word. We really have no idea what is going on for someone else and comparing it to your current situation is a recipe for disaster. Comparing does not make you feel worthy or enough. So stop comparing.

What other people think of me is none of my business. This is a Wayne Dyer quote that stops me cold. You have absolutely no control over what other people think of you. Let it go. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not. We’ve spent so much time on worrying about what others think. I remember having 11 different pairs of colored corduroy Levis in high school. It did not increase the number of friends I had. AND I was probably the only one who noticed. If you cannot move the needle on it, don’t bother worrying about it. Besides, you are perfectly good enough right now.

I was the last pick a lot in elementary school. My mother was upset with how I held a pencil in my hand. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school. It’s OK. Let the past go and move on. It has no impact on my worthiness right now. Let go of the judgments from the past and be enough. You are good enough. And so am I.

“What other people think of me is none of my business” – Wayne Dyer

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Are you having trouble wrapping your head around that title quote? I did. I still do. I’m not sure if it’s my upbringing. The Wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident and What will the neighbors think? kind of upbringing. My parents are always passing judgment on whether or not so and so is too thin or too fat, or spending their money unwisely. I know when I dress in the morning, I’m wondering what people will think. Is the skirt too short? Is the blouse too tight? I’m not paralyzed by this, but as I read that statement, I realize it’s a monologue that goes on in my head unconsciously.

jeffrey-wegrzyn-199433.jpg

Actually, the source of this valuing other’s opinions above all else is Junior High School life at its finest. I was in 7th grade in the 70’s. Bell bottoms and corduroy were the rage. I had purchased 10 pairs of corduroys in 10 different shades with all my hard earned babysitting money. I cared a lot about blending in. God forbid I walk into the cafeteria and stand out by wearing a dress. My world centered on what others thought about me;  if I gained weight or lost weight, had an opinion different than theirs, had a bad hair day…the list goes on and on. Heck, I do that today. Has anyone noticed I lost 5 pounds? Should I point it out? Am I expecting too much? Do people really notice me? I realize I spend a lot of time and energy wondering about others’ opinions.

 

Here are some ways to let go of the importance of others’ opinions:

  1. Realize that this is self-inflicted pain. Bryon Katie’s book, Love What Is, posits that the suffering is in your head. The first question of “The Work” is “Is it true?” When I work with clients, I hear all kinds of statements that are causing the client pain. “She doesn’t like me,” “He wants me off the project,” and “They think I’m incompetent.” How can you verify that it is true? Realize that believing it is true is in your own head. You are suffering from your own beliefs and thoughts.
  1. Beware of how you accept both criticism and compliments. These are two sides to the very same coin. Someone can be validating you and giving you feedback that sounds like or is actually a critique. Whether it’s positive or negative it is an opinion that you could potentially benefit from and has no bearing on who you are. You are still you. If you are focused and enamored only with praise. When you are criticized, you will roll down the other side of the hill and be thrown off your game. I believe a simple “Thank you” for either is just fine. Temper your reactions and how you internalize feedback. Find a way to benefit from the critique of those whose opinions you trust.
  1. Let go of the battle. In Jack Kornfield’s A Path with Heart, he writes, “Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.” Fighting requires a lot of energy. It’s exhausting to spend your day worrying about what everyone else is thinking. Put down your armor and let go.
  1. Be skeptical. As written in Don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery, “Doubt takes us behind the words we hear to the intent behind them. By being skeptical, we don’t believe every message we hear; we don’t put our faith in lies, and when our faith is not in lies, we quickly move beyond emotional drama, victimization, and the limiting belief systems our ‘domestication’ has programmed us with.” When you find the truth for yourself, you are free to live without regret and fear.
  1. Let go of attachment. Kornfield has some wonderful meditations in his book. One of them is letting go of anger. He writes, “The strength of our anger reveals the strength of our attachment.” It’s amazing how many things I am attached to and how much suffering it causes. It’s my control freak inside who doesn’t want to let go. But this constant striving to control the thoughts of others is unobtainable. This is a huge insight for me. It’s futile. Don’t attach.
  1. Be careful of your own language. My daughter made me aware of this. I would say, “Have you lost weight?” She asked that I say, “You look healthy.” You might think that it’s a compliment but as she explained, it’s also a value judgment. It is essentially saying that you were or weren’t thin enough before.
  1. Give up the idea of perfection. I think about this when I meditate. I feel like when my thoughts wander (and they always do) that I am not being perfect at meditation. So what? It’s the same with your self-dialogue. When you are trying out #1-#6, let go of being perfect. So when you start worrying that your boss thinks you’re incompetent, acknowledge that you let that thought slip in and maybe you can avoid it the next time. Perfection is exhausting.

All of this can be difficult to try and implement. It’s a habit that you’ve likely been doing since you were a child. Changing your thoughts takes patience and trial and error. We are all just works in progress. How wonderful it is that we have others to help us!

5 Myths of Motherhood

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

I always wanted to be a mother.  I’d see Carol Brady on the Brady Bunch or Marion Cunningham on Happy Days and look forward to being the patient, approachable, unflappable mother that had all the wisdom in the world.  They made it look so easy.  I babysat the two kids next door several afternoons a week for 6 years.  I remember watching Sesame Street and making dinner.  I thought (at the wise old age of 14), I can do this.  Motherhood is about sitting on the couch learning to count with the Cookie Monster and popping a frozen dinner in the microwave.  Easy peasy.  Not.myths of motherhood

 

Motherhood is shrouded with all kinds of mythology.  These myths hold us back from letting go of perfection.  They cloud our judgement as we work feverishly to make sure that our children have all the latest toys yet skip reading them a book at night. The myths make us worry more about what the neighbors will think about how we’re raising our children instead of actually raising our children.  Letting go of these myths can help us get present with our children and our relationship with them.

 

So let’s debunk some of the myths we have about motherhood:

 

  1. Children are an extension of you.  This was a big aha with my own mother.  She never seemed happy if I was living my life on a different avenue than she expected.  I was always out of town too much or driving 2 hours for my son’s 6-minute wrestling match.  I wasn’t frugal enough.  Then I turn and look at my own children.  I remember wanting my son to apply early to Cornell (my alma mater).  It would have dramatically boosted his chances of getting in. I realize now I was wrapped up in my own ego.  I want my kid to go to an Ivy League school.  He is himself.  He is not me.  He needs to find his own path.  Thankfully, he did in sunny Miami and not snow ridden Ithaca. Give up the myth that your child is our mini-me and let them be themselves.
  2. The nurturing Madonna.  There is a Madonna statue in every Catholic Church I have been in.  The bucolic baby resting happily on the Madonna’s lap as she smiles at her little cherub.  I never remember feeling like a Madonna once. Ever. I do remember trying to breast feed for 2 plus hours in the middle of the night with no success.  I remember weeping because it wasn’t working and wondering how I was going to last another 18 years with this infant needing sustenance from me.  When I purchased formula I felt guilty for many months.  My sister-in-law had breast fed twins!  Why can’t I do the same?  Because I am not perfect and it’s OK.  I have two of those cherubs who made it past 18.  I wish I had not been so wrapped up in being the nurturing Madonna.
  3. Working full time means abandonment.  When my daughter was born, I owned a restaurant in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  My first husband and I rotated managing the restaurant.  I went back to work after two weeks.  Yes.  Two WEEKS!  We traded my daughter off in the middle of the afternoon.  I am not advocating women go back to work after two weeks.  But I have to say that because my husband and I traded her back and forth, I had her undivided attention when I was home.  It was Mommy and Missy Moo time.  I believe I was a better mom because I was satisfied with my career and ambitions and didn’t hold any resentment that being a mother would keep me from a successful career.  I also had a reason to work hard as I wanted the best for my daughter and, later, my son.
  4. Mothers are in control of their children’s views.  This is funny because both of my kids have strong opinions and viewpoints.  I remember mentioning my daughter’s support of a political referendum when she a junior in college.  A peer at work who disagreed with the referendum said, “You can’t let her have that opinion.”  My peer had small children. She had no idea that she would not have control over her kid’s views as they aged.  I’m not saying that as a mother you don’t have an influence but ultimately your children’s viewpoints are their own.  You are not in control.  Influence, yes. But not control.
  5. Mothers are a Jane of all trades.  I did not want to ask for help when I became a mother.  I thought I could handle it all.  Flawlessly.  This is untrue.  I needed someone to clean my house.  I needed a nanny.  I didn’t cook meals from scratch anymore which aggravated my internal Foodie.  My Dad drove my kids to McDonalds (perish the thought) and to local parks.  I had to let go of the idea that I was going to be in every memory my children had.  Just because I didn’t do EVERYTHING didn’t make me less of a mother.  Heck even Carol Brady had Alice.  I see clients who are mothers who suffer under this expectation. Don’t suffer.  Let it go.

 

These myths strangle us.  You are perfect as you are.

What other people think of me is none of my business – Wayne Dyer

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

Are you having trouble wrapping your head around that?  I did.  I still do.  I’m not sure if it’s my upbringing.  The Wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident and What will the neighbor’s think kind of upbringing. My parents are always passing judgment on whether or not so and so is too thin or too fat or spending their money unwisely.  I know when I dress in the morning, I’m wondering what people will think.  Is the skirt too short?  Is the blouse too tight?  I’m not paralyzed by this but as I read that statement I realize it’s a monologue that goes on in my head unconsciously.

Actually, the source of this valuing other’s opinions above all else is Junior High School life at its finest.  I was in 7th grade in the 70’s.  Bell bottoms and corduroy were the rage.   I had purchased 10 pairs of corduroys in 10 different shades with all my hard earned babysitting money.  I cared a lot about blending in.  God forbid I walk into the cafeteria and stand out by wearing a dress.  My world centered on what others thought about me;  if I gained weight or lost weight, had an opinion different than theirs, had a bad hair day…the list goes on and on.  Heck, I do that today.  Has anyone noticed I lost 5 pounds?  Should I point it out?  Am I expecting too much?  Do people really notice me? I realize I spend a lot of time and energy wondering about others’ opinions.

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Here are some ways to let go of the importance of others’ opinions:

  1. Realize that this is self-inflicted pain. Bryon Katie’s book, Love What Is, posits that the suffering is in your head. The first question of “The Work” is “Is it true?”  When I work with clients, I hear all kinds of statements that are causing the client pain.  “She doesn’t like me,” “He wants me off the project,” and “They think I’m incompetent.”  How can you verify that, that is true?  Realize that believing it is true is in your own head.  You are suffering from your own beliefs and thoughts.
  1. Beware of how you accept both criticism and compliments. These are two sides to the very same coin. Someone can be validating you and giving you feedback that sounds like or is actually a critique.  Whether it’s positive or negative it is an opinion that you could potentially benefit from and has no bearing on who you are.  You are still you.  If you are focused and enamored only with praise, when you are criticized you will roll down the other side of the hill and be thrown off your game.  I believe a simple “Thank you” for either is just fine.  Temper your reactions and how you internalize feedback. Find a way to benefit from the critique of those whose opinions you trust.
  1. Let go of the battle. In Jack Kornfield’s A Path with Heart, he writes, “Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.” Fighting requires a lot of energy. It’s exhausting to spend your day worrying about what everyone else is thinking.  Put down your armor and let go.
  1. Be skeptical. As written in don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Fifth Agreement, “Doubt takes us behind the words we hear to the intent behind them.  By being skeptical, we don’t believe every message we hear; we don’t put our faith in lies, and when our faith is not in lies, we quickly move beyond emotional drama, victimization, and the limiting belief systems our ‘domestication’ has programmed us with.” When you find the truth for yourself you are free to live without regret and fear.
  1. Let go of attachment. Kornfield has some wonderful meditations in his book. One of them is letting go of anger. He writes, “The strength of our anger reveals the strength of our attachment.”  It’s amazing how many things I am attached to and how much suffering it causes.  It’s my control freak inside who doesn’t want to let go.  But this constant striving to control the thoughts of others is unobtainable.  This is a huge insight for me.  It’s futile. Don’t attach.
  1. Be careful of your own language. My daughter made me aware of this. I would say “Have you lost weight?”  She asked that I say, “You look healthy.”  You might think that it’s a compliment but as she explained, it’s also a value judgment.  It is essentially saying that you were or weren’t thin enough before.
  1. Give up the idea of perfection. I think about this when I meditate. I feel like when my thoughts wander (and they always do) that I am not being perfect at meditation.  So what?  It’s the same with your self-dialogue.  When you are trying out #1-#6, let go of being perfect.  So when you start worrying that your boss thinks you’re incompetent, acknowledge that you let that thought slip in and maybe you can avoid it the next time.  Perfection is exhausting.

All of this can be difficult to try and implement.  It’s a habit that you’ve likely been doing since you were a child.  Changing your thoughts takes patience and trial and error.  We are all just works in progress. How wonderful it is that we have others to help us!

Ambiguity. How to Thrive in a Gray World

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Everyone wants to live in a black and white world. We want to know what is right and wrong. Good or bad. Left or right. Clear concise decisions with no gray area and no regrets. It’s not going to happen. The world is way too complex. We need to embrace ambiguity and march forward with no misgivings. Very little is black or white anymore. There are a million shades of gray. Ambiguity. How to Thrive in a Gray World

Every time you venture out of bed you are entering an ambiguous world. Heck, even if you stay in bed, the ambiguous world keeps rolling along. The stock market goes up or plunges down, it snows ten feet or doesn’t rain for three years, your wireless router quits for the third time in 18 months, your partner dumps you or you find the love of your life. Nothing is certain. The only that is certain is uncertainty (oh, and death and taxes).

There is hope in all of this but you have to go through and not around. Here is my take:

• Perfection. Give up perfection. This doesn’t mean quitting. It means you need to let go. Perfectionism is a false construct. There is no end. You never get to perfect. Your ideal weight plus the perfect job plus the bulging bank account plus the sexy sports car and the perfect, patient, happy spouse will not align in The Perfect Storm. So you might get a flat tire on the way to the airport, you may not land that new job, the next project launch may not fly. Don’t keep score on perfection.

• Paralysis. There is no perfect solution. Analysis paralysis has thwarted many a decision. Just one more data point, one more month of sales, another data cut, one more project bid, or one more applicant. The only decision you are making is to not make a decision. Your team, your family, your partner, your boss are counting on you making the decision. One more data point will not make it crystal clear. Stop the analysis.

•Surrender. As my good friend, Janine, says with regard to ambiguity, “I am seeking to embrace and sit with uncertainty and not necessarily take action to move through it. More of a surrender to the ambiguity.” There are times when you have to surrender and the best action is no action but to be uncomfortable with ambiguity. I remember starting a new job for a company many years ago and on my first day they decided that the business unit was for sale. Two years later it was resolved. I had no control over the sale of the business, I surrendered to the uncertainty.

•Wrong. It’s OK to be wrong. I have grown up with a Mother who always had to be right. There was my way, everyone else’s way and then there’s my Mother’s way. The only way was her way. Being right was highly valued in my house. Being right does not embrace ambiguity. There is no acknowledgement that there might be another way. In fact as CRR Gobal espouses “everyone is right…partially.” So accept that you may be right but may be only 10% right. This allows for ambiguity and you won’t need to engage in lots of righteousness, which can be exhausting.

•Chunking. I find that many of my clients make headway when they break things into chunks. A lot of the curse of ambiguity lies in the fact that it can be overwhelming. Ambiguity is a huge monster that incites fear. When you break off an eyelash, it becomes manageable. It’s doable. It’s understandable. It’s not so scarring. Instead of it being a monster, it’s just an eyelash. And then another eyelash, and another.. When you can metaphorically hold it in your hands the ambiguity evaporates. Break it into chunks.

•Pause. Ambiguity is stressful. It’s easy to engage your lizard brain (the fight or flight or freeze mode). It’s instinctual. We all started as hunter-gathers. The lizard brain had a purpose which was to save you from a Saber-toothed Tiger or from poisonous plants. But lighting up your lizard brain all day, every day with mountains of email, the latest shooting or terrorist attack and your boss’ endless barrage of requests is simply not healthy. Yoga, meditation, a long walk or run, sitting down with a good book, anything to shut down your lizard brain will help you see ambiguity with fresh eyes.

•Agile. As Beyond Philosophy said in their article on Ambiguity, “Work on your flexibility. Be willing to change course as more information comes to light. Don’t let pride delay you from correcting your course. Ambiguity can reveal facts at any time that are going to affect your best decision.” There will be more data points that come along after you set your course. Accept them and make a course correction or completely bail out. Let go of your ego and move on. Be agile.

This not easy. There is so much ambiguity permeating life every day. It’s not just work, or your marriage or your finances. It’s omnipresent. It’s the new normal. How do you embrace ambiguity?