let them – Workplace Navigator

I recently read Mel Robbin’s book, Let Them. It’s a great book to learn to let go of the things you can’t control, which for me, can be focused on trying to chart the course of my adult children’s lives. Robbin’s book helps me focus on what I can control which is me and how I want to show up. She also dives into the perils of adult friendships. I can get caught up with my old high school friend traveling to Bali or the gang getting together at the haunt in my old neighborhood. I’ve learned to not be attached to what everyone else is doing. It’s none of my business. My business is my life and where I want to be right now.

My college roommates, Janine and Susannah, also know as *Those Girls and the Blonde,* reconnecting at a cooking class in Paris in 2016.

Robbins’ points out adult friendships are so difficult for three main reasons: Proximity, Timing and Energy:

Proximity. When we were all in grade school, we saw the same folks every day, in class, on the playground and even in the neighborhood. I grew up on a cul de sac which was chock full of kick the can and touch football games practically every day. My friends or potential friends were around me constantly. In fact, my closest friend to this day was a neighbor from two doors away on that cul de sac. Robbins defines proximity as physical closeness. “This matters way more than you think,” she says, citing research that shows it takes 50 hours to become a casual friend and 200 to become a close friend. If you’re not around each other, it’s hard to log the time required for a real connection. When you’re no longer in school or living with friends, that kind of time together doesn’t happen by accident. “The number one predictor of friendship is how often you see people,” Robbins explains. This is a real eye opener. If I want to make friends as an adult, I need to spend more time focusing on connecting and meeting more people.

Timing. Everyone is on a different path and in a different season in life. Even as I am in my sixties, I have friends that are still raising children, some heavily involved with their grandchildren and then some are traveling the world or living it up in a retirement community. When we were in first grade, we all just wanted to make it to Christmas break and prayed for enough snow to close school and go sledding. Now, I’m lucky to be in the same time zone with my college and high school friends let alone the same place in life. Robbins gives the example of coworkers: You might like the people you work with, but if one person is juggling three young kids and another is traveling every weekend, you may never build the connection required for any kind of deeper friendship. The same goes for long-time friends. “Sometimes, the distance isn’t emotional; it’s just the fact that your lives have diverged,” she says. I recently was able to see two of my college roommates about 24 hours apart as I traveled up the east coast. These friends who I had traveled to Paris with and Boston in the last decade, are still my close friends but we rarely are able to be together at the same time. I’ve learned to be more open and take what time I can get with a friend. For me, it’s not the quantity of time but just making the opportunity.

Energy. Energy is how it feels when you’re around someone, and often, that energy changes based on the two reasons above. “Do you feel safe, supported, and understood?” Robbins asks. “Energy is one of those things you can’t fake.” You might have the same job or live in the same building, but if the emotional vibe between you isn’t clicking, the relationship won’t thrive. I think of this as, “you can’t push a rope”. I’ve spent tons of time on wedging myself into someone else’s life that just doesn’t have the space or energy for me. I think to myself now, “welp, you can’t push a rope.” I have reached out to an old friend several times to connect for lunch and the timing (see above) is never right. In my mind, only energy can help overcome timing and proximity and if it’s all MY energy, then maybe it’s time to let it go for this season. I have found that especially with my long term (plus 40 years of friendship) friends that we might go a decade without reconnecting and yet when we meet up at the restaurant or on that trail when the stars align, it’s magic. We know each other’s stories and roots. We reconnect instantly and time evaporates. I believe it’s because we are both bringing energy.

So, what do you do if you want to make new friendships as an adult? Robbins says that you have to be purposeful. It’s not like heading out to the playground and meeting someone on the swing set. According to Robbins, finding and keeping meaningful friendships as an adult starts with a mindset shift: We have to stop waiting for it to happen and start building it on purpose. So, say hello to that neighbor, join that gym, start a local book club and show up for that meditation class. I have to say that I work harder now at making friends instead of waiting for kismet. Make the call or the text. There are connections out there just waiting for me, I am in charge of making it happen.

I finished Mel Robbin’s book Let Them Theory last month and it’s a great mantra to keep in mind throughout the day. My friend didn’t respond to a text about stopping by, let them. Spouse leaves the dishes in the sink (while the dishwasher sits empty), let them. Flat tire on the way to an appointment, let them. Your boss is in a bad mood, let them. Your dad judges your new job, let them. Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory has unlimited use moments. Every day.

Robbins talks about seeing old friends on social media having a great getaway weekend…without her. She spiraled. How could they? What did she do wrong? That whole feeling of FOMO and feeling the injustice that someone could overlook her or shut her out. I think of this as the “story I’m telling myself”; where I create a whole story that everyone is against me and somehow I’m not worthy. It’s futile, damaging and painful. And it’s completely self-defeating. It does absolutely no good.

Here are the steps to Let Them and Let Me:

Know what you can control. Almost everything that is outside of me is outside of my control. The weather, time, gravity, people’s opinions, other people’s effort, other people’s decisions and other people’s habits. My worry and consternation cannot change something that I have no control over. Making someone interested in you, getting a job offer, being picked on the kickball team, making the traffic jam disappear or getting that screaming baby to calm down on an overseas flight. These are outside of my immediate control. What can I control? That’s the let me part. I can focus on what I’m interested in, I can keep putting out resumes and expanding my network, I can practice my kickball skills or pursue basketball instead, I can be grateful for the break in a traffic jam and hope that no one is seriously injured, and I can put on headphones or offer to fill a bottle for the baby. There is also my response to all these aggravations. I can breathe deep and stay centered instead of reacting or turning up the volume on my inner critic. I look for what I can control and that is where my peace lies.

Know your brain. We all do our best thinking when we have access to our prefrontal cortex (PFC). This is where the magic happens. We plan, we find solutions, we are creative and we are innovative when we are able to be in our PFC. Unfortunately, stress hijacks us out of our PFC and into our Amygdala. When we are in our Amygdala, it’s all fight, flight, freeze or fawn. This is when I say stupid things and frequently do things I regret (I’m looking at you Ben and Jerry’s). I was alarmed this past year when I read in a research study that it takes a minimum of 20 minutes to get out of our Amygdala and back into our PFC. So, if I’m called out at a budget meeting in front of the entire senior staff, I’m not likely to have a well thought out eloquent response. In my opinion, this is the time to get some kind of break so that I don’t put my foot in my mouth. There are also centering exercises like thinking about my big toe, taking 3 deep breaths, or rubbing my thumb and forefinger together to feel my fingerprint ridges. The point is to focus on your body instead of your brain which is currently drowning in chemicals. So, before I engage in responding, I need to know where my brain is. Am I in my Amygdala or my PFC? Once I know the answer, I can take the next best steps.

Know your power. Learning to let them is very powerful. When I get caught up in someone else blocking my way or getting sucked into wanting to change them, I feel empty and fragile. By pushing back or resisting, I end up expending a lot of energy and I feel depleted. It’s like trying to push a rope. I realize now it’s futile and exhausting. Let them helps me feel more powerful because I’m focused on what I can do and control instead of getting wrapped up in what I can’t.

Know your values. The Let Them Theory frees me up to make choices that align with my values. I’m not trying to appease someone or worry about “how something” will look to others. As long as it’s aligned with my values, then I can Let Me. I get to take ownership of where I want to be and what I want to do instead of (unsuccessfully) trying to drive others to what I want. Or what I think they should want. I get to follow my values and let them follow theirs.

Know others. It’s impossible to change someone else. Robbins spent several chapters on a woman who wanted to get her husband to shape up. Nagging and cajoling just don’t work. The more I push the less the other person wants to comply. If it’s not their own idea, it’s not going to happen. My son isn’t going to apply for an early decision at my alma mater. My partner isn’t going to quit drinking. Respect that each person is on their own path and they get to decide which direction to go. Robbins suggests setting the example and then let go. So, If I want to get my friend to start running every morning, I can go running every morning and tell them how great I feel when I do. Beyond that, sit back and see if they get there on their own.

Relinquishing power to control others is so powerful. Robbins does a great job making it so easy in just two words: Let Them. And then, Let Me. Let me respond with my values and set the example of having the boundaries that align with them. Can you let them?