labeling – Workplace Navigator

“The best way out is always through.” – Robert Frost.

This seems counter intuitive. Why go through if there is a faster, seemingly easier way around? Why not just avoid the gnarly, ugly problem, conflict, or ordeal? How about just escape? Perhaps just numb out? I am an expert at all of these attempts at avoidance and procrastination. I have tried them all with little success. Like right now, I do not want to write. I’m forcing myself to “go through” as I want to get this written and…”it’s not going to write itself.” It is not that the writing is painful. It is the reliving of the grief, betrayal and suffering I’ve experienced that feels like picking at a scab. I reflect back on the last five years and it’s amazing how far I have come, but it was not easy and I can assure you that I “went through.” The hurricane, the end of a marriage, the decline and death of my beloved father, and the endless, costly fight over property with my ex. At every milestone, there always seems like there was one more hurdle.

I am not a professional at grief and betrayal, but I have learned a few things along the way. I am resilient and much more aware of what is important to me than I was a decade ago.

Here are few things I have learned about getting out by going through:

**Feel the feels**
If I have learned anything, it is to feel the feels. I stuffed, drowned, ignored, and glossed over my feelings for most of my adult life. I was a temper tantrum adolescent. I can remember vividly stomping up the stairs in my childhood house and slamming the door when my parents either grounded or forbade me from some (at the time) life-altering excursion (say roller skating or going to an R-rated movie). I was, to say the least, a bit melodramatic. At some point, most likely in college, I found other ways to disregard my discontent. I numbed it instead of feeling it. Got dumped? Pour a glass of wine. Failed an exam? Bloody Mary’s with Julie. Parking ticket? Pitchers with the gang. To feel the feels is to acknowledge the feeling and pay attention. Accept the onset of what is going on in your body and feel it. Seems strange that I needed to learn this. As an infant, I’m sure if I was hungry, lonely or wet, I cried. I spent the next twenty years trying to ignore or avoid whatever ailed me. I let the heat rise in my neck, my stomach turn, the tension mount in my shoulders, I let it in. To go through, you must feel it.

**Label it**
This has been the most important learning for me. It is to not only feel the discomfort but to label it. It is the same as labeling thoughts while trying to meditate. By acknowledging and labeling the thought, it is easier to let it go. Name it and let it rise. I remember vividly being angry at my ex’s betrayal. I labeled it “betrayal”. So, this is what betrayal feels like: tight stomach, clenched shoulders, tears running down my face. It helped me be with the feeling but announcing it to myself as “betrayal” somehow let me observe myself. So allow the pain and it will dissipate. The loss of my father and labeling it “grief” as I felt the heat on my face, the tears streaming and the shuddering of sobs. This is what “grief” feels like. It turns me into the omniscient observer as I watch the feelings rise and lift away once labeled. Going through you must label the path.

**No judgement**
This is the heart of it all to me. If I feel it, I will judge it and then hold on tight. The key is to not allow judgment in. People grieve. People get angry. People cry. All of us, if we let it, experience feelings. I can think, why is a 60 something grown ass woman crying for her Daddy or I can think, it’s completely natural to grieve. I have found that when I allow the feelings to rise and don’t try to hid it from the daylight, it passes more easily. It’s when I try to bury it, blink away the tears and stuff the feeling down so that I won’t be judged a cry baby that it lingers, sometimes for years or decades. August Gold wrote, “To enter the conversation with Life we only have to change one key word: We have to stop asking, ‘Why is this happening to me?’ and start asking, ‘Why is this happening for me?’ When we can do this, we’re free.” Going through is accepting each twist in the path and seeing the gift in it.

Getting sober over four years ago was a game changer. Everything is available with clean edges. No longer muted by Chardonnay or Gin. Somehow numbing out only increased and prolonged the suffering. I feel an empty vessel that permits it in, acknowledge it and then softly, setting it free. The best way out is always through.

You are frustrated because they cancelled the show you bought the tickets for six months ago. You don’t get the promotion you’ve been dreaming of since you came to this company. The proposal you sent to your ideal client which is going to double your income this year, is turned down. Is the universe ganging up on you? Nope. You just need a Plan B.

Plan B

I recently traveled to New England on business and pleasure. I ended up with several Plan B moments. I was staying on the 17th floor of the Hartford Hilton. The fire alarm went off at midnight. Sleep was Plan A. Descending 17 flights of stairs on foot was Plan B. I was staying at my friend’s beautiful country home (in the middle of nowhere in the Berkshires) and planned on writing while there. There was a thunderstorm that plowed in overnight. Phone and wifi were dead. Plan A was writing. Plan B was having a lovely day long conversation with my friend. I missed a connecting flight at Washington Reagan airport. Making the connection was Plan A. Walking 10,000 steps in Terminal C was Plan B. The important thing was being open to Plan B.

This is how I remained open to Plan B:

Keep the goal in mind. I’ve retold the story of taking 17 flights of stairs and more than one person told me, I think I would have just stayed in the hotel room. Truth is I didn’t smell smoke but in a 22-story hotel, how could I possible know what was above me. The goal was avoiding participating in a fire and if trudging 17 flights kept me safe, then that’s the goal. Getting home safely was the goal when I missed the connection in DC. It’s easy to get caught up in the frustration of a change of plans but if you focus on the end goal it calms the anxiety.

Know where your essentials are. When a fire alarm goes off and there is an annoying strobe light to accompany it, it’s disorienting. I tried to turn the light on next to my bed. It didn’t go on. I thought the electricity was out. Fortunately, when I fumbled over to the desk lamp it worked. But I had no idea where my sneakers and glasses were. Having shoes and glasses were essential. During the thunderstorm two nights later and the lights flickered, I made sure I had my glasses and shoes next to my bed. Socks? Laptop? Nope. Not essential. So in a work situation if you end up not having an LCD projector, use a flip chart. If you don’t have a flip chart, have someone take notes on paper. Figure out what’s essential.

Label the feeling. I was sitting in the last row of the plane when we finally pulled close to the gate and making my connecting flight was very present in my mind. I had a ton of anxiety and, frankly, I was angry that we were sitting 10 feet from the gate but were not actually “at” the gate with the door open. I consciously sat in my seat and thought, this is what anger feels like. My forehead is hot and my stomach is clenched. OK. And this is what anxiety feels like. My stomach is flipping and my throat is tight. OK. I sat there inventory-ing my feelings as they arose and labeling them. I was able to witness the feelings instead of getting sucked into them. Labeling the feeling keeps you from stuffing it away as well. Let it rise and vanish as you consider each one. If you take anything from this post, work on labeling your feelings; it will keep you from getting sucked into them.

A plausible alternative. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I try and imagine that they are headed to the hospital on an emergency. When I was sitting in the back row of the plane, I decided it must be some safety issue and the plane couldn’t pull up to the door. When the client I sent a proposal to doesn’t respond, I imagine my offer ended up in their spam folder. Better reach out by phone. A coach friend of mine, Michele Woodward, recommends that you reach out to a potential client three times. That’s a great rule of thumb. With smart phones and bulging email inboxes, the world is a giant distraction. It takes patience and persistence to get through the clutter. Assume that they want to get back to you, they are just overwhelmed. There is always a plausible alternative or explanation.

What opportunity is available. When I realized I missed my connection and had four hours to kill, I decided that I could listen to my book on Audible and walk 10,000 steps. I’m not sure there weren’t a few folks who saw me walking by them 15 times who didn’t think I might be lost or a lunatic but here was an opportunity to get a few hours of my book done and get in 10,000 steps. The opportunity in Hartford was seeing some thirty Hartford firefighters. These guys were there to potentially save my life. What bravery. They do this every day. Run in while we run out. I don’t have the opportunity to see that every day. The opportunity in the Berkshires without wifi? Isn’t it obvious. 20 hours without social media and email and phone. Priceless. All I need is a good friend and a dog and the opportunities are endless.

I’ve always had my father as an example of patience. I have always admired his unflappability. Whether it was a flat tire or a teenager changing their mind with Friday night plans, “Daddy, can you drive me and my friends to bowling instead of playing Monopoly at home?” I try and tap into his patience when I face my Plan B. Tools help.