Tag: inner critic

🫣5 Fixes for Imposter Syndrome

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

There have been countless times in my life where I felt like an imposter. When I was in Junior High, I was first flute in the All-State Orchestra (granted Delaware is a very small state). I was initially proud of making first chair only to be overwhelmed by feeling like I would be caught. Found out. Attending the Hotel School at Cornell University where I was a work study student feeling completely inadequate with my fellow upper crust students whose pedigree far outranked my own. My first job out of college as a manager for a catering company in Manhattan. I was a 21-year-old woman working in a basement with 25 men, some twice my age, trying to manage a fast-paced catering business where the only rule was to “yes” to any customer request (i.e., lunch for 100 people in 45 minutes). Every day in that basement was complete anarchy with four phone lines of incoming orders and trying to supervise a largely immigrant crew. I felt like I would be unmasked every day.

As written by Chris Palmer for the American Psychological Association, “Up to 82% of people face feelings of impostor phenomenon, struggling with the sense they haven’t earned what they’ve achieved and are a fraud (Bravata, D. M., et al., Journal of General Internal Medicine, Vol. 35, No. 4, 2020). These feelings can contribute to increased anxiety and depression, less risk-taking in careers, and career burnout.” 82% of people are feeling the same way as me?  This doesn’t surprise me because I coach people every day who struggle with these same feelings. This manifests in my clients as countless work hours, fear of delegation and perfectionism. 

Here are 5 fixes for imposter syndrome:

  1. Shine a light.  It starts with acknowledging you are feeling inadequate, or you are harboring doubts. As Jack Kelly wrote for Forbes, “The first thing you should do is acknowledge these feelings when they arise. There’s no need to hide it from others or feel badly about harboring these thoughts. By confronting your self-defeating thoughts, it’s the start of taking proactive steps to change your mindset.” Turn on that light switch and make what is in the back of your brain into the light.  Acknowledging is the first step in addressing it.
  2. Acknowledge your accomplishments. It’s really easy to have amnesia about your accomplishments.  Did you grow up in a single parent home and manage to graduate from high school? Are you able to speak two languages? Have you been able to raise a child to adulthood? Did you thwart a deadly illness? Have you finished a 5k? Did you finally earn that certification you always wanted? I remember finally crossing the mile high bridge on Grandfather Mountain.  I was terrified, but I did it. Write down your accomplishments and take stock.
  3. Watch your self-talk. I find the easiest way to reframe self-talk is to use the third person.  So instead of saying “I’m an idiot”, I think “Cathy you’re an idiot”.  Seems harsh.  I would NEVER call anyone an idiot so why the heck would I call myself an idiot.  It’s similar to reframe it to what you would say to a friend.  As Palmer wrote, “Try to observe when your impostor feelings surface and how you respond to them.” Be compassionate in your self-talk.
  4. Let go of perfectionism. I’ve coached countless folks who struggle with perfectionism.  In my mind it’s the manifestation of imposter feelings.  So, they constantly work harder and longer to make their output as perfect as possible so that no one will find out that they are imperfect and, therefore, an imposter. Palmer wrote, “It may help to release yourself from rigid roles. For example, Orbé-Austin said people with impostor phenomenon often see themselves as helpers––people who come to the rescue. “Breaking free from those roles so you can be someone who doesn’t know it all or someone who can’t always help can allow us to be more robust people and professionals,” she said.” Perfection is failing, it’s suffocating and keeping folks stuck.
  5. Share your thoughts. Perhaps through therapy, a coach, or a trusted friend, share your imposter feelings with someone you can confide in. I find when I coach that when my client actually says something out loud (instead of rumination), it will bring insight.  Saying it out loud makes it real and prompts examination. As Kelly wrote, “By sharing with others, it will release the pent-up burden. You’ll quickly find out that you’re not alone and this is shared by many other professionals. You will feel a big sense of relief once you find out that it’s commonplace, you’re in good company and it’s not just you.” Share your thoughts so others can weigh in and help examine their validity.

I believe that comparison is at the root of most imposter feelings. I envy my neighbors new Tesla, my friend’s vacation to the Alps, or my sister’s promotion to Vice President. Comparison is the thief of joy and will keep me in the imposter zone. As a friend said to me recently, “Stay in your lane.” Focus on what’s in front of you and your experience and let others focus on their lanes. How do you address imposter feelings?

📻Shut Down Station KFKD

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“Out of the right speaker in your inner ear will come the endless stream of self-aggrandizement, the recitation of one’s specialness, of how much more open, and gifted and brilliant and knowing and misunderstood and humble one is.

Out of the left speaker will be the rap songs of self-loathing, the lists of all the things one doesn’t do well, of all the mistakes one has made today and over an entire lifetime, the doubt, the assertion that everything one touches turns to s#it, that one doesn’t do relationships well, that one is in every way a fraud, incapable of selfless love, that one has no talent or insight, and on and on and on.”

This is Anne Lamott’s metaphor from her brilliant book on writing called Bird by Bird. Radio station Kf**ked is basically in constant stereo in your head.

This is not just for writers. This is for any project you might have standing in front of you. From the closet stuffed to the gills with unwearable clothing, the enormous realignment project at work, and that trip to Patagonia you haven’t really planned out yet. To get it done. Heck, to even get it started. It is imperative you shut down Station KFKD.

Here are some ideas:

Ritual.  When I write; when I start a project, I have a ritual. Actually, this is my daily ritual: write in my gratitude journal, affirmations, meditation, brain teasers and then learning a second language. I do this everyday without fail. I won’t start anything until I have finished my daily ritual. I do this everyday even if I am not writing or working on a project. It sets me up for success. It’s like putting on a cozy robe and soft slippers. It’s familiar. I feel warm, relaxed, and ready to launch. You don’t need this ritual, but it’s nice to have a ritual so the loose ends are tied up before starting your best new work.

Frog.  Eat That Frog. This is a book by Brian Tracy. He espouses that you should start your day with the biggest gnarliest item. So eat that frog. Write that post you have delayed for the last few days. Sign into that online platform you are not familiar with. Buy the damn plane tickets to Patagonia. Clear out the floor of your closet. When you get that frog; that hurdle out of the way early in your day, the rest of the day is downhill. It’s time to coast because you already ate the frog. The rest of the day is nothing but cherries and whip cream.

Flow.  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi asks, “What makes a life worth living?” Noting that money cannot make us happy, he looks to those who find pleasure and lasting satisfaction in activities that bring about a state of “flow.” Flow happens when you shut down Station KFKD and tap into your creative flow. You aren’t worried about impressing your boss or what that critic will say. It’s all about letting the words, art or lyrics spill out. It’s like opening the dam. Let it spill out without any regulation. Getting into flow shuts out KFKD.

Breathe.  No duh, Cathy, we all have to breathe. The issue is that we frequently don’t pay attention to our bodies. Breathing brings us back into our bodies, out of our heads, and far away from station KFKD. How is your big toe right now? Can you feel the breath through your nostrils? Are you present? It sounds counter intuitive to get back into your body and out of your head when you want to produce your best work. The problem is that your mind is full of land mines and illusions. Listen to your body and breathe.

Wandering.  Thoughts may wander off. You may start thinking about what lunch will be and when you need to head out for that appointment later. Gently. Ever so gently, bring it back to the work at hand. No need to scold or beat yourself up. Sometimes wandering brings you to a wonderful place and magical ideas. Going off the trail can take you places you never thought of going. Embrace the wandering.

I write first thing in the morning for the most part. I feel at my best. I am a lark. I got up this morning at 4 AM and started writing at 6 AM. This may not be for you. I have found my zone for keeping Station KFKD turned down. When do you do your best work?

🫣6 Tips to Slaying Self-Doubt

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I’ve been traveling in a new Recreational Vehicle for the last three weeks.  I have never driven or set up an RV in my life.  I have been racked with self-doubt to the point of feeling sick the evening before I set out on my solo trip in February.  We all have times when self-doubt rears its ugly head.  There is no immunity but thanks to a great book by Tara Mohr called Playing Big, there are ways to address it.

Tara points out that the Inner Critic (the cheerleader for self-doubt) is not realistic thinking.  The Inner Critic makes pronouncements while Realistic Thinking has curiosity.  The Inner Critic has no evidence while Realistic Thinking gathers evidence to inform conclusion. The Inner Critic thinks in terms of black and white while Realistic Thinking sees all manner of gray. The Inner Critic is repetitive and problem focused and Realistic Thinking is forward thinking and solution focused.  When you really think about the Inner Critic it’s just about turning the volume down so that you can listen to Realistic Thinking.

Here are the 6 tips to slaying self-doubt:

Label it. As with most change it’s all about awareness.  So, when you hear your critic talking you need to recognize that it’s the Inner Critic.  “Cathy, that’s your Inner Critic talking.”  Sometimes I start by thinking “the story I’m telling myself which should really be “the story the Inner Critic is telling is…” Label your critic so you are aware when it sneaks in. 

Third Person.  It’s helpful to separate from the Inner Critic. The easiest, handiest way is to put it in the third person.  So don’t say, “I’m freaking out here” or “I’m not mechanically inclined” to “The Inner Critic is freaking out” or “The Inner Critic thinks I’m not mechanically inclined”.  It’s like putting the critic in its place away from between your ears. Put the Inner Critic in the third person. 

Create a character.  This works in concert with making the Inner Critic in the third person.  It’s unmasking their hold by creating a character that is inhabited by the Inner Critic.  My Inner Critic looks something like Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip.  She is always negative or trying to deceive me. Lucy is pointing out EVERYTHING that could go wrong.  So now I just think “Well that’s Lucy catastrophizing again” or “Here comes Lucy to pull the rug out from under me”.  Create a character for your Inner Critic.

Question your Inner Critic. This enhances the separation between you and your Inner Critic. It sounds something like “So Lucy, what are you afraid of?” Or “What’s really behind this fear mongering right now?”  Patiently listen to what your Inner Critic has to say (perhaps not out loud at Starbucks) and once you’ve heard their fear of embarrassment or attack or failure, let them have their say.  Then calmly reply, “Thanks so much for your input, but I’ve got this one covered.”  

Remove the critic.  Putting the Inner Critic in a box, cabinet or jar can be a relief.  In my training with Organization, Relationship, Systems Coaching (ORSC), when someone was struggling with a conflict, it was helpful to take a handy object, any object, like a pencil, stapler or towel and have the object be the stand-in for the conflict.  In this case, the Inner Critic.  Then either throw it, place it, hide it or shove it to rid yourself of the conflict (Inner Critic).  It’s amazing when you use an object as a stand-in.  Then you can continue on by saying, “It’s just me here – the Inner Critic is on a break for now.” Use an object as a surrogate to remove the Inner Critic.

Turn it down or fade out.  Mohr suggests, “Notice where, physically, it feels like the inner critic voice is located in or around your body, and picture the voice receding into space, moving away from you.” I like to imagine that I’m turning the volume down.  Grab the dial and move it down to a whisper or mute. Turn down the Inner Critic’s voice.

Mohr makes it clear that the Inner Critic will never disappear.  Similar to meditation, your inner voice will never be completely quiet or go away.  It’s a matter of repackaging or altering it so that you can tap into your Inner Mentor or realistic voice. But most importantly, not be guided by the fear mongering of the Inner Critic.  Which tip will you try first?