Tag: how women rise

😳Saying No

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I recently finished The No Club by Babcock, Peyser, Vesterlund and Weingart. This book is a deep dive into the inequality of tasks that women perform on a much more frequent basis than men and the impact it has on their careers. The authors coined an acronym called NPT or Non-Promotable Tasks versus PT with are Promotable Tasks.  Non-Promotable Tasks (NPT) are those tasks with might be useful such as taking notes during a meeting, making coffee or planning the department Christmas Party but they have relatively no effect on the organizational bottom line.  When review time comes around, the NPTs are not going to get you a higher rating or more money in your next salary increase. You know you’re doing an NPT if it’s not driving revenue, it’s invisible to the organization and almost any skill level can take it on (i.e. you don’t need a Bachelor’s degree to make coffee). 

I found it incredibly interesting but not surprising that the authors did several studies and women by and large say Yes more often than men and they volunteer far more often than men.  The authors, for the most part, work in academia and almost 80-90% of committees are comprised of women.  Women are more likely to be asked to do NPTs, while men are focused on PTs.  This creates what the authors referred to as work/work imbalance because women are devoting so much of their energy on the NPTs and the result is working more hours to fulfill the additional demands. It can really pay to know how to say No to free up your time to focus on what really matters for the organization.  Not only for the organization but for your career in general.  Keeping NPTs to a minimum will result in renewed focus on PTs, balance and career success.  Having had a long career in Human Resources, I can tell you that most of the tasks within the Human Resource realm are NPTs; everything from training, recruiting to office celebrations. I have a new awareness of how little this directly related to the bottom line of the organization. I also think that no one notices an NPT until it has taken too long to complete or it’s done badly.  An NPT is rarely remembered when it goes well. 

Here is how to say No.

Volunteer.  Quit volunteering. I remember coaching a client several years ago who was always the first to raise her hand for community outreach, staying late to clean up after the meeting and putting the reports together for the presentation. I suggested that she count to 20 the next time they asked for volunteers. It dramatically reduced what I now know to be NPTs and freed up her time to work on revenue producing activities.  The eighth habit in How Women Rise is the Disease to Please.  Women generally want to please others which causes us to want to volunteer for the tasks that aren’t as valuable to the organization. Weigh out what you are giving up if you volunteer to be on the search committee. What are you saying No to if you say Yes to this.  Perhaps it’s time with your children, your ailing father or time to take care of yourself. Be discerning with the things you volunteer for.

Pause. In the Power of the Positive No by William Ury, he suggests taking a moment or perhaps a few hours to reflect on whether you want to take on a new task.  So instead of replying “Happy to” or “Sure” or “Yes”, say “Let me review some of my deadlines” or “Let me double check a few things and I’ll get back to you.” Of course, if you know it’s a No, say it right away.  There’s no reason to delay your response if you know there is a conflict.  If you are leaning towards Yes, this is a good time to pause and get back to the requester.  Pause before committing or turning it down.

Explain your workload.  I tend to think that everyone knows what I’m working on at any given time.  That the world around me is omniscient and knows that I’m coaching my daughter’s soccer team, I have a big deadline approaching for the widget project and my assistant is out with gallbladder surgery. Most people have no idea what you have on your plate. This is also what Ury described as explain your values.  So “I value doing timely, quality work so I don’t have time for this new project” or “I value being off by 5 PM so that I can spend time with my family”. Shine a light on what’s currently on your plate and your time commitments. You could also explain that you currently have too many NPTs or have been focused on some highly visible PTs. Shed light on what’s currently getting your attention and effort.

Solve the problem.  This is the third step in Ury’s Power of the Positive No. This is basically a proposal to solve the problem.  For example, “I don’t have the bandwidth right now but I think Joe has some time and he’s familiar with this software” or “Once project ABC is done next month, I could devote some time to this.” Find an alternative to you taking on the project or task.  This is especially true if it’s an NPT. It’s also helpful to know who else is skilled to do to the work besides yourself.  Say No by solving the problem.

Say yes while saying no.  This is where you can get creative in saying no by breaking the project or tasks into parts and only taking a piece of it. Or suggesting a limit to the time that you can spend on the project.  So, I can say, “I organize the invitee list if someone else sends out the invites and tracks responses” or “I can devote two hours on Friday to reviewing the slide deck”. You get to say yes but limit your time and effort. Think about ways that you can give a partial yes.

It’s always been a struggle for me to say no. I want to appear helpful and approachable.  I didn’t realize until I read this book that it ended up stifling my career because too much of my time and attention was spent on NPTs.  There are ways to maximize my time besides saying yes. Which method will you try?

🤨Stop Pleasing Others

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The disease to please is Habit 8 in the insightful book, How Women Rise. I am a recovering please-you-alcoholic. When I felt trapped in my unhappy second marriage, I was wallowing in trying to be “love and light” to a man who would never be happy. It has taken me seven years to realize that, in retrospect, I kept tying my happiness to whether he was happy. I spent years keeping track of my internal list of rules to try and make him happy. No lemon, no lime, steak is too rare, too well done, not too spicy, not too bland, dinner at 6…no at 7…no at 5:46, heat set at 70…no 73…no 68, no dairy except for pizza, nothing vegetarian…ever. I look back and wonder what I was trying to find or obtain. Why did every grunt or disapproving look have such a hold on me? Where was I in that relationship exactly? I had evaporated into a pleasing abyss. Was I his codependent?07

Pleasing others is why women are held back from rising in the ranks. When I coach female clients at some point in the coaching engagement, they frequently figure out that they need to be able to say “no”. As Katie Phillips wrote for Talented Ladies Club, “People pleasing isn’t a topic we talk about often, and it may not have occurred to you that you were stuck in the rut of putting others’ needs and happiness ahead of your own.” Tying yourself to anyone else’s happiness is exhausting. If how you are feeling at this current moment is dependent on anything outside of yourself, it’s a losing proposition and, one, you have little, if any, control over.

Six tips to stop pleasing others:

  1. Delay your response.  As Vanessa Van Edwards wrote, “Here is my favorite anti-people-pleasing phrase: “Let me get back to you.” Or Stop. Just for 50 to 100 milliseconds. This small amount of time is all you need, according to a 2014 Columbia University study, to make better decisions.” So instead of a knee jerk reaction to say yes to a project or meeting or updated slides or making chicken fried steak, delay your response. Frequently in the moment, especially if it’s your boss or unhappy spouse, you are in your limbic brain. When you are in your limbic brain you are in fight or flight or freeze response. Your prefrontal cortex (where you do your best thinking) is shut down. All the blood has rushed to your legs for you to take flight. Give yourself some space and delay your response.
  2. Start small. Say “no” to small things at first. Like watching the basketball game, or the movie, or the Friends episode, or answering the phone, or taking out the garbage or staying up late, or getting up early or scheduling a meeting over lunch, or after five. I think starting in your personal relationships might be easier at first and then move on to your work relationships. It’s easier to say “no” to one more treat from my dog than “no” to my bosses’ demands. My son was home earlier this week and was watching some show I had no desire to watch on my only television. I said, “Let’s watch something else”. He was surprised but we found something else we both enjoyed. As with most things, it seems to start with small steps.
  3. Effective relationships.  This next idea may seem crazy but it is better for your relationships. As Dr. Ilene Cohen wrote for Psychology Today, “I learned that when you do too much for others, you over-function in your relationships, which inevitably leads others to under-function. Though my intentions were good, they ultimately hindered the overall effectiveness of my relationships.” I think of saying yes to so many projects and tasks at work actually doesn’t give my direct reports and coworkers opportunities to learn and grow. As for my marriage, it created a scenario where my ex functioned in a smaller and smaller role as I maintained the scaffolding of the relationship rules. In the end, I was exhausted and the relationship was a figment of my imagination. Strive for effective relationship through an even playing field of collaborative roles.
  4. Be authentic. Aligning with your values and being authentic with your needs and wants is not something many women are brought up with. As Cohen writes, “I came to terms with the fact that we’re all unique individuals. We should be able to act authentically and connect with who we are and what we value, instead of always doing what others want.” Perhaps it was being the mother of a new born child and 4 a.m. feedings, but somewhere after motherhood, I forgot how to prioritize myself. Be authentic with yourself and what your needs, and yes, your wants are. Align with your authentic self.
  5. Don’t. Saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” is so much more empowering.  As Van Edwards espoused, “‘I don’t’ establishes a clear boundary, making you sound much more confident and clearer in your intentions. On the other hand, people who say ‘I can’t’ seem like they’re giving an excuse and might have some wiggle room to give.” I have actually used this frequently as a sober vegan. It’s much more empowering to say “I don’t drink “ or “I don’t eat meat”. Try using “don’t”.
  6. Stop apologizing. My daughter, Natalie has admonished me for this many times. “Quit saying sorry!” And, yes, she means apologizing for everything, which I have been known to do. Again, I think this is more frequently part of the female vernacular. As Van Edwards wrote, “The next time you say no, say it with meaning. Don’t apologize because you have to prioritize. Don’t feel bad that you have something to take care of. You are standing up for you; and remember, if you don’t stand up for you, no one else will.” Apologizing is discounting and minimizing your priorities. Stop stepping back from what you want.

I struggle with this every day. I want to do for others. I realize now that pleasing others is in many ways a way to give my power away. To a great degree, it’s implausible to think that pleasing others has an impact on how someone perceives me. Perhaps the most important thing is how I perceive myself. How does people-pleasing impact you?

🙋🏼Student versus Employee

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I recently read Tara Mohr’s Playing Big.  Perhaps one of the biggest takeaways from the book, for me, was that most women excel at school but can get derailed easily when bringing “the good student” mentality when it comes to work. I look for clear parameters for what an A+ is and always work towards that goal. I rarely bother to let my boss know what I’ve accomplished, because, well, it will be obvious in the “grades”.  Unfortunately, there are no mileposts like grades in the work world and success can seem nebulous. There is no clear line between the A+ (i.e. perfect) and an A, as an employee. In fact, at school we know the expectations every day versus work where it’s a wide-open landscape and an annual assessment of meets or exceeds. 

Here is the difference between student and employee:

Adapting versus Challenging Authority.  As a student, I have to adapt to the authority figure, my teacher.  The locus of control is the teacher.  They let you know how to turn in papers, what an A+ looks like in terms of grades and weighting.  In college it was dictated but Strunk and White and the MLA Style Handbook.  God forbid your font be too large, not Times New Roman or your line spacing be wrong. As a student I adapt to the parameters of each authority figure. As an employee, I need to be able to challenge and influence the authority figures.  Is the status quo going to be enough to move this project forward?  There are many authority figures throughout the organization and they all have different views and perspectives.  There is also the end user and their perspective.  How do we influence and challenge them? In a business, everyone is an authority whether it be customer, boss, co-worker or direct report. If I focus on my student mentality in the workplace, I end up trying to adapt to the boss and wonder why I don’t rise any farther in the organization.

Preparation versus Improvisation. In school, I had a syllabus, a text book, a road map to follow to be prepared for each exam, paper and project.  Preparation was key for success. The map was clearly marked and rarely, if ever, was there a need for improvisation. In the work world, it is nothing but improvisation.  Customer service is improvisation, problem solving, a dance of influence, appeasement and adjustment. Sure, there are procedures, guidelines and rules at work but the majority of the day is gliding through distraction, focus and competing demands. I remember when I initially learned how to facilitate a training.  I went into a training with a script and note cards fully prepared to give the content.  It was stiff and unforgiving.  I learned overtime that improvisation and adapting to the audience is much more important than preparation. I try to embrace improvisation instead of over preparing.

Outside In versus Inside Out. As written by Mohr, “The dominant activity in school is absorbing information from the outside – whether from a book, a teacher’s lecture, or the Internet – and then internalizing it.  The message is that the value we have to contribute on a topic comes from the information absorbed from an external source.”  This is Outside In thinking; depending on getting the information from outside our own mind.  But what we need is the opposite, which is “accessing what we already know, trusting its value and bringing it forth.” It’s not what information we know as much as our strengths like our charisma, emotional intelligence, problem solving and leadership that can be more critical to achieving success. This is the inside out thinking or relying on our strengths to be able to think on our feet or synthesize information from disparate sources and relying on our strengths to propel ourselves forward. 

Heads Down Work versus Being Visible. This is similar to habit 1 and habit 2 from the book by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith called How Women Rise.  Habit 1 is Reluctance to claim your achievements and Habit 2 is Expecting others to spontaneously notice and reward your contributions. I believe that women like myself learned this in school.  I’ll get a grade at the end of the marking period that will show my work… my worth.  I don’t need to tell the teacher because it’s there in the grade book.  I don’t need to say I’m an A+, or B- student, or be self-promoting, because it’s there for me and the teacher to see.  I can keep my head down and work with no need to claim my accomplishments.  Once I got into the work world, there was no grade book, no marking period, no end of the semester. As Mohr posits, “Women often slowly realize their good work isn’t leading to promotions or raises because it isn’t sufficiently visible, on an ongoing basis, to those scouting talent within the organization or making decisions about career advancement.” I need to always look for ways to be visible which is uncomfortable but necessary in order to rise in my career.

It’s uncomfortable to leave the good student habits behind. There is control in having clear expectations and parameters to success.  The work world takes being agile, influential, self-reliant and the ability to shine a light on your good work. What student habits do you struggle with?

6 Cures to the Disease to Please

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

The disease to please is Habit 8 in the insightful book, How Women Rise. I am a recovering please-you-alcoholic. When I felt trapped in my unhappy second marriage, I was wallowing in trying to be “love and light” to a man who would never be happy. It has taken me five years to realize that, in retrospect, I kept tying my happiness to whether he was happy. I spent years keeping track of my internal list of rules to try and make him happy. No lemon, no lime, steak is too rare, too well done, not too spicy, not too bland, dinner at 6…no at 7…no at 5:46, heat set at 70…no 73…no 68, no dairy except for pizza, nothing vegetarian…ever. I look back and wonder what I was trying to find or obtain. Why did every grunt or disapproving look have such a hold on me? Where was I in that relationship exactly? I had evaporated into a pleasing abyss. Was I his codependent?

Pleasing others is why women are held back from rising in the ranks. When I coach female clients at some point in the coaching engagement, they frequently figure out that they need to be able to say “no”. As Katie Phillips wrote for Talented Ladies Club, “People pleasing isn’t a topic we talk about often, and it may not have occurred to you that you were stuck in the rut of putting others’ needs and happiness ahead of your own.” Tying yourself to anyone else’s happiness is exhausting. If how you are feeling at this current moment is dependent on anything outside of yourself, it’s a losing proposition and, one, you have little, if any, control over.

Six cures to the disease to please:

  1. Delay your response.  As Vanessa Van Edwards wrote, “Here is my favorite anti-people-pleasing phrase: “Let me get back to you.” Or Stop. Just for 50 to 100 milliseconds. This small amount of time is all you need, according to a 2014 Columbia University study, to make better decisions.” So instead of a knee jerk reaction to say yes to a project or meeting or updated slides or making chicken fried steak, delay your response. Frequently in the moment, especially if it’s your boss or unhappy spouse, you are in your limbic brain. When you are in your limbic brain you are in fight or flight or freeze response. Your prefrontal cortex (where you do your best thinking) is shut down. All the blood has rushed to your legs for you to take flight. Give yourself some space and delay your response.
  2. Start small. Say “no” to small things at first. Like watching the basketball game, or the movie, or the Friends episode, or answering the phone, or taking out the garbage or staying up late, or getting up early or scheduling a meeting over lunch, or after five. I think starting in your personal relationships might be easier at first and then move on to your work relationships. It’s easier to say “no” to one more treat from my dog than “no” to my bosses’ demands. My son was home earlier this week and was watching some show I had no desire to watch on my only television. I said, “Let’s watch something else”. He was surprised but we found something else we both enjoyed. As with most things, it seems to start with small steps.
  3. Effective relationships.  This next idea may seem crazy but it is better for your relationships. As Dr. Ilene Cohen wrote for Psychology Today, “I learned that when you do too much for others, you over-function in your relationships, which inevitably leads others to under-function. Though my intentions were good, they ultimately hindered the overall effectiveness of my relationships.” I think of saying yes to so many projects and tasks at work actually doesn’t give my direct reports and coworkers opportunities to learn and grow. As for my marriage, it created a scenario where my ex functioned in a smaller and smaller role as I maintained the scaffolding of the relationship rules. In the end, I was exhausted and the relationship was a figment of my imagination. Strive for effective relationship through an even playing field of collaborative roles.
  4. Be authentic. Aligning with your values and being authentic with your needs and wants is not something many women are brought up with. As Cohen writes, “I came to terms with the fact that we’re all unique individuals. We should be able to act authentically and connect with who we are and what we value, instead of always doing what others want.” Perhaps it was being the mother of a new born child and 4 a.m. feedings, but somewhere after motherhood, I forgot how to prioritize myself. Be authentic with yourself and what your needs, and yes, your wants are. Align with your authentic self.
  5. Don’t. Saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” is so much more empowering.  As Van Edwards espoused, “‘I don’t’ establishes a clear boundary, making you sound much more confident and clearer in your intentions. On the other hand, people who say ‘I can’t’ seem like they’re giving an excuse and might have some wiggle room to give.” I have actually used this frequently as a sober vegan. It’s much more empowering to say “I don’t drink “ or “I don’t eat meat”. Try using “don’t”.
  6. Stop apologizing. My daughter Natalie has admonished me for this many times. “Quit saying sorry!” And, yes, she means apologizing for everything, which I have been known to do. Again, I think this is more frequently part of the female vernacular. As Van Edwards wrote, “The next time you say no, say it with meaning. Don’t apologize because you have to prioritize. Don’t feel bad that you have something to take care of. You are standing up for you; and remember, if you don’t stand up for you, no one else will.” Apologizing is discounting and minimizing your priorities. Stop stepping back from what you want.

I struggle with this every day. I want to do for others. I realize now that pleasing others is in many ways a way to give my power away. To a great degree, it’s implausible to think that pleasing others has an impact on how someone perceives me. Perhaps the most important thing is how I perceive myself. How does people-pleasing impact you?