Tag: detach

Holiday Happiness. 5 Ways to Not Covet.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It seems like every year around the holidays, I am invariably invited to a holiday party involving a game called “Dirty Santa”.  If you are not familiar with the game, participants bring a wrapped gift that is worth a certain amount like $20 and everyone draws numbers. Number 1 picks out a gift, and unwraps it. Number 2 gets to decide if they want to “steal” Number 1’s gift or pick out a new gift.  This goes on until all the gifts are selected and then Number 1 gets a second and last chance to look at all the gifts and decides whether to “steal” once more. Don't Covet

I find it ironic that we play this game during the holidays.  During a time of giving and selflessness, we play a game that encourages coveting thy neighbors goods.  Last year I was lucky, I pulled “Number 1” which is an advantageous position. You get the last “pick” but I have to say that I was robbed at least four times during the game.  By the third time it happened, I quit getting attached to whatever I selected.  It’s strange to not know when  someone was going to come over and take it.  I ended up with a gift I really like, a scarf from Italy, but I could have just as easily ended up with cheap men’s cologne (a clunker gift from a game a few years back).

I think these experiences have something to show us.  Don’t covet.  Yours, mine or theirs.

So here are some ways:

1. Detach.  Detach from the objects in your life.  I was on a business trip in Charlotte.  I left my favorite blouse and skirt in the hotel closet.  I didn’t realize it for about a week.  They were gone.  I resented it for weeks.  Every time I was getting ready to travel, or wear the perfect matching earrings, or shoes, it brought it up again.  I was filled with regret and continued beating myself up.  Water under the bridge.  Let. It. Go.

2. Content.  Have you ever noticed that when you are looking for a new car, all you notice is the make and model you are interested in on the road?  Or if, as I did, you really wanted a convertible, you regret it for months and start looking at the make you bought as a convertible with jealousy? Be happy with the toys you have.  Be content.

3. Path.  We all make our own path.  We all got here from different places.  Some went to college, some didn’t, some stay in the same town their entire life and some don’t. Some people value Ferrari’s and, others value surf boards.  If I grew up in Italy, I’d probably value that Ferrari and if I grew up in Florida or Hawaii, the surf board.  Don’t judge others by what they covet.  You don’t know their path.

4. Seek experiences. In an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Melanie Greenberg, she writes “Research studies show that spending money on experiences, such as family vacations, educational courses, or psychotherapy provides more happiness ‘bang for the buck’ than spending money on possessions. That is because much of the pleasure of possessions seems to be in acquiring them.” The lift you get from the purchase is short lived.  Buyer’s remorse.  Take a class, go to the musical or sign up for coaching.  Go for the experience.

5. Boost your set point.  There have been many theories that you might get a brief bounce in your happiness set point after winning the lottery, tie the knot or buy that new house.  Eventually you will return to your original happiness level (after the honeymoon is over).  The good news is that according to an article in American Psychological Association by Zak Stambor called “Is our happiness set in stone?’ we can change our set point.  He writes, “research shows that people can increase their happiness by making a conscious effort to count their blessings, reframe situations in a positive light or perform kind acts.” Reframe and count your blessings.  It’s difficult to covet when you are grateful.

My parents have taught me to not covet material objects.  The Christmases of my childhood were not blow out Toy-fests.  They were times of family, food and Monopoly marathons.  Outside of an Easy Bake Oven, I can’t remember many of the gifts from my childhood but I do know that I always want my brother, Rick, on my Pictionary team (he is a great artist) and my dad on my Trivial Pursuits team (retired History teachers are awesome teammates).  Enjoy your holiday and count your blessings.

5 Lessons From a Dirty Santa Game

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It seems like every year around the holidays, I am invariably invited to a holiday party involving a game called “Dirty Santa”.  If you are not familiar with the game, participants bring a wrapped gift that is worth a certain amount like $20 and everyone draws numbers. Number 1 picks out a gift, and unwraps it. Number 2 gets to decide if they want to “steal” Number 1’s gift or pick out a new gift.  This goes on until all the gifts are selected and then Number 1 gets a second and last chance to look at all the gifts and decides whether to “steal” once more. Dirty Santa

I find it ironic that we play this game during the holidays.  During a time of giving and selflessness, we play a game that encourages coveting thy neighbors goods.  Last year I was lucky, I pulled “Number 1” which is an advantageous position. You get the last “pick” but I have to say that I was robbed at least four times during the game.  By the third time it happened, I quit getting attached to whatever I selected.  It’s strange to not know when  someone was going to come over and take it.  I ended up with a gift I really like, a scarf from Italy, but I could have just as easily ended up with cheap men’s cologne (a clunker gift from a game a few years back).

I think these experiences have something to show us.  Don’t covet.  Yours, mine or theirs.

So here are some ways:

1. Detach.  Detach from the objects in your life.  I was on a business trip in Charlotte.  I left my favorite blouse and skirt in the hotel closet.  I didn’t realize it for about a week.  They were gone.  I resented it for weeks.  Every time I was getting ready to travel, or wear the perfect matching earrings, or shoes, it brought it up again.  I was filled with regret and continued beating myself up.  Water under the bridge.  Let. It. Go.

2. Content.  Have you ever noticed that when you are looking for a new car, all you notice is the make and model you are interested in on the road?  Or if, as I did, you really wanted a convertible, you regret it for months and start looking at the make you bought as a convertible with jealousy? Be happy with the toys you have.  Be content.

3. Path.  We all make our own path.  We all got here from different places.  Some went to college, some didn’t, some stay in the same town their entire life and some don’t. Some people value Ferrari’s and, others value surf boards.  If I grew up in Italy, I’d probably value that Ferrari and if I grew up in Florida or Hawaii, the surf board.  Don’t judge others by what they covet.  You don’t know their path.

4. Seek experiences. In an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Melanie Greenberg, she writes “Research studies show that spending money on experiences, such as family vacations, educational courses, or psychotherapy provides more happiness ‘bang for the buck’ than spending money on possessions. That is because much of the pleasure of possessions seems to be in acquiring them.” The lift you get from the purchase is short lived.  Buyer’s remorse.  Take a class, go to the musical or sign up for coaching.  Go for the experience.

5. Boost your set point.  There have been many theories that you might get a brief bounce in your happiness set point after winning the lottery, tie the knot or buy that new house.  Eventually you will return to your original happiness level (after the honeymoon is over).  The good news is that according to an article in American Psychological Association by Zak Stambor called “Is our happiness set in stone?’ we can change our set point.  He writes, “research shows that people can increase their happiness by making a conscious effort to count their blessings, reframe situations in a positive light or perform kind acts.” Reframe and count your blessings.  It’s difficult to covet when you are grateful.

My parents have taught me to not covet material objects.  The Christmases of my childhood were not blow out Toy-fests.  They were times of family, food and Monopoly marathons.  Outside of an Easy Bake Oven, I can’t remember many of the gifts from my childhood but I do know that I always want my brother, Rick, on my Pictionary team (he is a great artist) and my dad on my Trivial Pursuits team (retired History teachers are awesome teammates).  Enjoy your holiday and count your blessings.

Keep your hands off my stuff

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Hands-Off-Mat-MT-2673Seth Godin wrote a recent post called “Possession Aggression.”  It’s a short post but basically he says that it’s hard to give something substantial away but it’s even harder to take something away from someone else.  The person, department or organization starts building their world around their stuff and it gets incorporated into how they view the world.  I actually think that this is where silos start getting erected.  Accounting handles those reports, lay off! Human Resources sets up the company picnic, hands off! Thanksgiving is always at Mom’s house, back off!

Why does it become a personal affront when we try to change?  Even if the organization, the department or the extended family would be much better off with a change in who handled the stuff.  After all, it is just dinner.  A report.  A picnic.  Suddenly paranoia sets in.  Didn’t they like the way “we” handled it.  Maybe we didn’t serve enough gravy.  They didn’t like the way the report looked.  The picnic was boring.  Turn off your dictator and get off the paranoia train;  easier said than done.  We all just want to keep our stuff and for everyone else to keep their paws off.

So here are some steps to letting go of our stuff:

1. Detach. Take a step back. Take a few slow deep breaths. And detach.  Get some perspective on the situation. Sometimes our emotions go on overload and we can’t seem to get off the paranoia train.  Get off at the next station.   Give yourself some space and silence.  When someone has just absconded with your favorite project, decided they would take over the retirement party or delegated making the apple pies to your cousin (even though everyone knows your apple pies are the best);  it’s important to take a step back and detach.

2. Reframe. Once your heart rate has returned to normal and you can gain a little clarity, reframe the issue.  Stand in their shoes.  Especially the cousin who may have never made pies before.  Did he ask to make the pies? Is this a stretch goal for him? Did he just finish a baking school course and wants to test out his skills?  We can get caught up in being the victim and lose our perspective. Put on a different pair of glasses and reframe.

3. Awfulizing. I just learned this word from Michael Segovia who is a tremendous Myers-Briggs facilitator for CPP.  I can fall victim to awfulizing.  I can turn my stubbed toe into an amputation in the blink of an eye. So if my boss’ door is closed all morning, I’ve gone to the mail room to get a box for all my personal effects because I must be getting fired today.  Try to stay focused on the facts.  My boss’ door is closed.  Stop. There are millions of doors that are closed. Chill. Out.

4. Check in.  Check in with whomever you believe to be the absconder of your stuff.  Find out their perspective.  “Hey Suzie, I just found out you’re responsible for Joe’s retirement party. Let me know if you need any help.” You might find out she didn’t even know. You might find out she’s terrified.  You might find out she’s excited by the challenge and would love your input.  You won’t know unless you check in.

5. Clutter check.  Most of our plates have been too full since…well…graduation.   We all hold on tightly to our stuff.  It’s time to check the clutter in our life.  So many of us feel that our value is measured by the amount of balls we can juggle in the air at once.  If we are in a circus, that is true.  In life, we are not.  Take an inventory of what is important and on track with your values.  Let the rest go.  Dump the stuff that is cluttering your mind and life.  And, most importantly, don’t take on new stuff that doesn’t align with your values.  So if there is a new project that someone “volentold” you for, that isn’t an absolute yes…it’s a no.  Stay away from new stuff that isn’t your passion. And you won’t be inadvertently taking someone else’s stuff.

6.  Examine fear. When you do the clutter check there is likely to be fear that bubbles up…rather grips you.  If you let go, how will they do it without me. Everyone is so dependent on you, that they can’t possibly do it on their own.   I can remember leaving one HR job for another some 15 years ago. I felt sure the place would fall apart without me. Employees wouldn’t get paid. Benefits would fall through the cracks. I would let people down. They were fine.  We all survived. The bad news is that we are dispensable. The good news is that we are dispensable. Let go of the fear.

Possession is 9/10th’s of the law. Perhaps this why we guard our stuff with such fervor.  It’s amazing how it can weigh us all down; whether literally with physical possessions or figuratively with obligations on our time.  It might be time to cull out the stuff that is holding you back.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Goods

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

It seems like every year around the holidays, I am invariably invited to a holiday party involving a game called “Dirty Santa”.  If you are not familiar with the game, participants bring a wrapped gift that is worth a certain amount like $15 and everyone draws numbers. Number 1 picks out a gift, and unwraps it. Number 2 gets to decide if they want to “steal” Number 1’s gift or pick out a new gift.  This goes on until all the gifts are selected and then Number 1 gets a second and last chance to look at all the gifts and decides whether to “steal” once more. images 1

I find it ironic that we play this game during the holidays.  During a time of giving and selflessness, we play a game that encourages coveting thy neighbors goods.  When we played this game a few weeks ago, I pulled “Number 1” which is an advantageous position. You get the last “pick” but I have to say that I was robbed at least four times during the game.  By the third time it happened, I quit getting attached to whatever I selected.  It’s strange to not know when  someone was going to come over and take it.  I ended up with a gift I really like, a scarf from Italy, but I could have just as easily ended up with cheap men’s cologne (a clunker gift from a game a few years back).

I think these experiences have something to show us.  Don’t covet.  Yours, mine or theirs.

So here are some ways:

1. Detach.  Detach from the objects in your life.  I was on a business trip in Charlotte.  I left my favorite blouse and skirt in the hotel closet.  I didn’t realize it for about a week.  They were gone.  I resented it for weeks.  Every time I was getting ready to travel, or wear the perfect matching earrings, or shoes, it brought it up again.  I was filled with regret and continued beating myself up.  Water under the bridge.  Let. It. Go.

2. Content.  Have you ever noticed that when you are looking for a new car, all you notice is the make and model you are interested in on the road?  Or if, as I did, you really wanted a convertible, you regret it for months and start looking at the make you bought as a convertible with jealousy? Be happy with the toys you have.  Be content.

3. Path.  We all make our own path.  We all got here from different places.  Some went to college, some didn’t, some stay in the same town their entire life and some don’t. Some people value Ferrari’s and, others value surf boards.  If I grew up in Italy, I’d probably value that Ferrari and if I grew up in Florida or Hawaii, the surf board.  Don’t judge others by what they covet.  You don’t know their path.

4. Seek experiences. In an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Melanie Greenberg, she writes “Research studies show that spending money on experiences, such as family vacations, educational courses, or psychotherapy provides more happiness ‘bang for the buck’ than spending money on possessions. That is because much of the pleasure of possessions seems to be in acquiring them.” The lift you get from the purchase is short lived.  Buyer’s remorse.  Take a class, go to the musical or sign up for coaching.  Go for the experience.

5. Boost your set point.  There have been many theories that you might get a brief bounce in your happiness set point after winning the lottery, tie the knot or buy that new house.  Eventually you will return to your original happiness level (after the honeymoon is over).  The good news is that according to an article in American Psychological Association by Zak Stambor called “Is our happiness set in stone?’ we can change our set point.  He writes, “research shows that people can increase their happiness by making a conscious effort to count their blessings, reframe situations in a positive light or perform kind acts.” Reframe and count your blessings.  It’s difficult to covet when you are grateful.

My parents have taught me to not covet material objects.  The Christmases of my childhood were not blow out Toy-fests.  They were times of family, food and Monopoly marathons.  Outside of an Easy Bake Oven, I can’t remember many of the gifts from my childhood but I do know that I always want my brother, Rick, on my Pictionary team (he is a great artist) and my dad on my Trivial Pursuits team (retired History teachers are awesome teammates).  Enjoy your holiday and count your blessings.