Dale Carnegie – Workplace Navigator

In the workplace, in sports and in relationships there is a high priority placed on who is right. I had the great pleasure of seeing Edward G. Hochuli speak last year at a conference. He is a NFL referee and has been for some 20 plus years. He studies the rules of the game every day…all year. Yes; every day. This is a guy who has to get it right or he’ll receive thousands of emails, bad press and public ridicule. How about you?

I think this illustrates the importance that is placed on rules and, in turn, who is right. The problem is this can be counterproductive in the workplace. Having the last word and being right has the potential to be really damaging to the relationships around you. Even Dr. Phil, whether you like him or not, refers to Right-fighters. It’s the perfect term for those who are mono-focused on winning their point at all costs.

Think about it for a moment. Who was the last know it all that you enjoyed being around, or collaborating with, or, worst of all, reporting to. I’d like to suggest that maybe we should try to just let that ego attachment go. This can be quite a challenge especially for any of us baby boomers out there who had to line up for recess, cross the street at the cross walk and never raised their hand in class unless they were positive they had the right answer.

I think that Dale Carnegie got it right when, in his principles for “Win People to Your Way of Thinking”, he said “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

So you’re probably wondering how to you bite your tongue when our culture and workplace have placed such a high priority on being right?

Here are 5 ways to find peace and do that:

1. Listen. Figure out if there is something you can find agreement on. You might disagree with the direction of the project at hand but you might be able to agree that you’ve got the right team assembled and that you will not all agree but you all need to listen and respect others opinions. There must be that acknowledgement that you’re all trying to get to completion and benefit from the process. Listen for agreement.

2. Reflect. Reflect on the impact. How important is it to put someone in their place? What will you gain from it in the end? What will this do to the value of your “stock”? In, other words, who else is going to want to work with you or value your opinion if you are constantly pointing out that you are right….and therefore, everyone else, is wrong. Reflect before you start pointing your finger.

3. Patience. Is this the time and place to “put this person in their place”? If this is your direct report, a peer or, worse yet, your boss…think long and hard about how this might damage your relationship. At least find a more opportune time (i.e. less embarrassing) to sit down and listen to their reasoning and talk it out so that you come to a common understanding. Swallow your pride and be patient.

4. Check in. What is your own ego saying to you? Are you really that dependent on being right to feel good…to have self-respect? Is this the measure of your self-worth? Do you really want to be known as that Right Person at the expense of all else? Check in to keep your ego at bay.

5. Silence. It’s golden. In this world of bombarding news, marketing and media; sometimes silence is the most powerful message you can have and share with others. Just keep your mouth shut and embrace silence.

Several of my coaching clients keep track of when they try to make a personal change. They will record every time they change their perspective on a situation and the way they changed their reaction. See if you can give up on the almighty rightness and find peace.

It’s good to ask yourself on a fairly regular basis – When was the last time you “fell on the sword” and let someone else be right? Leave a comment below so we can all learn.

There isn’t a conference I attend or a book that I read that does not bring up the importance of appreciation. It’s critical to everything: employee engagement, marriage, child rearing, influencing others and business success. Appreciation is the root to success in all things. But where is it? Dig into your pockets and see if you have had your full load of appreciation today. It’s doubtful, though. Unfortunately, it’s the road less traveled. Showing appreciation is that disappearing path in the woods that is covered in brush and pyracantha. Most just don’t bother.

When I was younger, my mother cooked for my family every night, without fail. My father complimented her on her cooking prowess every night, without fail. There we were, the five of us, sitting at the table as a family and with the first bite, my dad always said, “Hmm, honey, this is good.” This could be part of the reason she cooked every night. She knew she would be appreciated.

IMG_1549 (2) — My daughter, my dad and my mom at the kitchen table.

Dale Carnegie, Tom Rath, Marshall Goldsmith, Stephen Covey, Gary Chapman and Patrick Lencioni (plus many others) have all touted the benefits of appreciation. And the benefits are countless. So let me give you a few pointers on how to start down that road.

1. Notice. You are going to need to pay attention to the world around you. Awareness of what is going on, or not going as the case, may be is the first step. Did your son actually put all his clothes away without any hesitation? Did your husband mow the lawn or finally replace that light bulb in the bedroom? Has your assistant updated that monthly report you haven’t looked at in three months without fail? If you aren’t paying attention, you will not have the opportunity to appreciate.

2. Value. It’s the little things that matter. The chore I hate the most in my life is emptying the garbage. It’s a little thing. It takes all of 3 minutes to haul the garbage bag out to the trashcan , but I loathe doing it. So when I run across an emptied garbage can, it is a gift. If the implementation team worked extra hours over the weekend to make the new software seamless first thing on Monday morning, it is a gift. If I value it as a gift, then I know I will appreciate it. My dad valued a hot, home cooked meal and he showed his appreciation.

3. Spontaneous. Appreciation is not very effective if you drag your feet before you give appreciation. OK, so for a wedding gift, I think the etiquette books give you up to a year—not true with the receptionist’s new haircut. If you wait on complimenting her for, well, a year, it turns out to be kind of pointless. If you love that color blouse on someone, tell them. If you just realized that the dishwasher was emptied by the dishwasher elf (…the only person in my house that would do that is my dear sweet lovable husband), make sure you thank them (him).

4. Gossip. There is nothing better than to hear that someone else spoke highly of you. This happened to me this week and, frankly, prompted me to write this post. A colleague of mine met, by happenstance, a Rotary friend of mine. The colleague told me how my Rotary friend had been singing my praises as a Rotarian. Wow. If that isn’t the best appreciation to get…through a little gossip.

5. Park it. Your ego, that is. If you are worried about getting a compliment in return, this will not work. If you come strutting in to the office with your new Jimmy Choo wedges, and start working your way down cubicle row complimenting everyone’s shoes. It will be obvious that it is more about you than them. The appreciation faucet works best if it’s running in one direction…and that is towards others with no expectation of anything in return. If you don’t park your ego, it could appear as if you are not sincere.

6. Bask in it. This is going to feel good. Being an appreciator is like being a ray of sunshine. You never know who you are going to run into that you get to shine light on for but it is really gratifying. Paying it forward with one compliment at time.

So go out there and take a few steps down the road of appreciation. See how many steps you can take each day.

What has your dad taught you?