control – Workplace Navigator

You submitted the proposal two weeks ago and there has been no response. “Action!” Everyone is talking over each other during the meeting. “Quiet on set!” Your child isn’t listening to your chore list. “Boom!” The team can’t seem to get any traction on the project. “Roll!” Wouldn’t it be great to have a giant megaphone in your hand and a bird’s eye view of all aspects of your life? So if you wanted your friend to sober up, your boss to give you a raise or make your partner a sexy beast, all you would have to do is change the script and make it happen. The truth is, while we may have delusions of being the director of our lives, we really just need to rewrite that script and surrender control.

There is an ongoing theme that crops up a lot when I coach. More than a lot. Clients are constantly striving to change the other people in their lives. They want their son to stop smoking, their co-worker to quit being nosy, their boss to acknowledge their accomplishments–you get the picture. With all this constant striving to control and change others, we become embittered. “I’ve told him to quit smoking dozens of times and he doesn’t listen to me.” Sigh. “I’ve quit talking to my co-worker but they are still nosy.” Argh. “I’ve finished 6 projects ahead of schedule and my boss hasn’t said a word.” Woe is me. The heart of this is the way we react to it. The story we tell ourselves in our heads and the approach we take.

Here are some tips on how to let go of your need to be the Director:

Acknowledge that you are trying to direct others. Changing a mindset always starts with acknowledging that it even exists. Several years ago, my son was baking a cake in my kitchen. I ran around cleaning everything up and putting things away. Critiquing each step. He stepped back and said, “Let me fail.” It was profound for me. I needed to acknowledge that I wanted to control the situation, as if a cake was life or death. So this is what control is like.
Reflect on your striving. As a coach, I ask, “Can you control your boss…your daughter…your co-worker?” Invariably the client says “No.” I ask, “Can you let go of the striving to control?” Client: “That’s not easy.” The striving itself is the source of your pain. You are trying to change reality (albeit for the better) but the striving is undermining your relationship with the person you are trying to change. So think about that. You can’t change someone else’s actions, and you striving and worrying and manipulating will only twist you into a knot. So pick it up and put it on the table to look at it. So this is what striving is; it’s striving to change things that you cannot direct.
Shut down the illusion. So when I was in the middle of the baking catastrophe with my son, I decided to leave the room. I was nothing but a stressed-out hindrance. I took off my director’s beret, let go of the story and went to my trailer (actually my office). Let go of the illusion of control. I already knew how to make that cake. Now it’s his turn. My being in the kitchen was not going to change the end result. It was delicious, by the way. All by himself. Successfully directing is just an illusion.
Figure out what you do have control over. Hmmm. Well, your reaction. You have control over your reaction. Even better to tell yourself, I have control over my response. I can get mad, angry, frustrated, sad, or resentful. I can also be sublime, calm, happy, relaxed or joyful. You really do get to choose; the choosing is just different than what you initially thought. I can remember being in the restaurant business and dealing with disgruntled customers. My reaction to their bitterness was to be over-the-moon friendly. Big smile, eye contact, “My day is just fabulous” attitude and it was infectious. I was amazed at how I could turn a situation like a miss on a rare steak around through my own outlook. Be that spark. Understand that you can control yourself.
Don’t take it personally. This is hard. I have several clients that are putting off their happiness until…they get a promotion, their nemesis quits, their husband loses 20 pounds or their daughter sobers up. I can’t be happy if my daughter is unhappy. I can’t be happy until Suzy quits. The failures (and successes) of others are happening independent of you. Whether or not that cake failed had nothing to do with me. Let go of your personal responsibility for others’ actions.
Realize that everyone else wants to be the director of their own lives. This is especially true when world events seem out of control. So buried behind your boss’ request for a new venue for the holiday party is likely their need for control. The tight deadline from your co-worker is to make sure it fits in their life. Understand and respect that even your dog wants to control you by pawing you when you stop petting. We all want influence and control.

This is not easy and it is a slow process. Take it slowly and consciously and it will change. Just remember when you start getting wrapped up in the dramatic film in your head to ask yourself, “Am I really the director? Am I really in control?” and let it go.

I just finished Mo Gawdat’s brilliant book called Solve for Happy. Gawdat’s premise is: “Happiness is greater than or equal to your perception of the events in your life, minus your expectation of how life should behave.” It is profound for me because he grounds a lot of what he suggests in research and, being an engineer, in mathematics. Gawdat is the Chief Business Officer for Google X. He has a lot of money. He is successful. It’s easy at first glance to dismiss his ideas like they are coming from Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. None of these guys are worried about making the monthly mortgage payment. What could he possibly know about happiness when his bank account is overflowing? The thing is that Gawdat lost his 21-year-old son to a mistake made in an appendectomy. He suffered a loss that I would not wish on anyone. Despite this enormous loss, he has found the formula for happiness.

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I have never suffered a loss as profound as a child. Gawdat doesn’t grind an axe about the hospital. He doesn’t blame a divine power. He takes it as a lesson from his son, Ali. He brings us into his enlightenment. Gawdat had already solved for happy many years before Ali’s death. He at one time had purchased two (yes, two) Rolls Royce’s on the same day and found that he was empty. All the money in the world could not taper the stress he felt from trying to control and plan everything in his life. I have a ton of clients who suffer from this over-planning. I have suffered from trying to control all the variables in my life. This is an illusion of control. You and I really don’t have any control over those outside of us.

Here are the only two things you can control:

Your Actions. Gawdat struggled with trying to control everyone and everything in his life. Every employee, family member and outcome. Have you done that? I have. I’ve tried to control the perceptions of my neighbors, co-workers and family members. I made sure my kids were dressed in name brand clothes, got the best grades and created the impression of the perfect happy family. That whirlwind of effort and control was exhausting and unfulfilling. It left me empty. Invariably, something would go wrong. My son didn’t want to go to my Alma Mater, my daughter wanted to spend her Spring Breaks hiking in the Blue Ridge mountains instead of coming home, and 50% of the students in the class I was teaching at the time would fail the exam. Ugh. That illusion that you can control others weighs you down. You are lugging a giant sack of expectations and it is making you suffer.

As Gawdat writes, “My first breakthrough came when a friend taught me about the Hindu concept of detachment, when you strive to achieve your goals knowing that the results are impossible to predict. When something unexpected happens, the detachment concept tells us to accept the new direction and try again. There is no sadness or regret, and no grief over the loss of control.” I love this because it’s not like you throw your hands up in the air and say, “Oh well” and give up. You continue to take action and you just realize that the outcome will be, for the most part, unexpected. I think of every weightlifting competition I have attended to watch my son compete. I want him to win. I want him at the top of the podium with a gold medal around his neck. I show up. I envision success. I wear my lucky t-shirt. The outcome is out of my control. No amount of wishing and hoping can change the outcome. It will be what it will be.

The lesson is to take action. I’ve recently lost a bunch of weight from some lifestyle changes. Now I need to work on my muscle mass. I need to do push ups and lift weights. I need to take action. I have control over whether or not I take action. What the outcome will ultimately will be is up to forces outside of my control. Whether my son qualifies for the World University Championships this year is up to variables way outside of my control. I can show up and support him. Ultimately, the outcome is outside of anyone’s control. Act and detach from the outcome.

Your Attitude. As Gawdat writes, “While actions are the visible levers of achievement, attitude is the true game changer.” I know a lot of folks who suffer from external locus of control. This is the belief that whether or not you have a good day is dependent on the world around you. So, if it’s raining outside or if there is an accident on the way to work, It’s going to be a bad day. I know you have worked with someone like this, or perhaps, are even married to someone like this. They cannot accept responsibility for anything that happens. There is always someone or something to blame.

The secret is having an internal locus of control. Owning the fact that you have complete control of how you respond to anything whether it’s the rain, bad news from the IRS, or a devastating loss. This doesn’t mean you can’t grieve. In fact, you should grieve a profound loss. The worst thing you can do is ignore or numb out the pain. What you resist persists. The majority of setbacks are magnified or diminished based on your attitude toward the setback. I play some memory games every morning. I mess up. I can cuss myself out or just say “Oops.” The acceptance that I am not perfect and make mistakes, but not letting it bring me down is important. Keeping a positive attitude is critical for happiness.

Gawdat’s outrageous audacious “moonshot” goal is to create one billion happy people #onebillionhappy. There are three steps. The first is to make happiness your first priority. The second is invest in developing your happiness skills. The third is to tell two people who will tell two people. This is my step three. Now you go tell two people.