😳5 Steps to Capitalize on Regret

I recently read Daniel Pink’s, The Power of Regret. It is a thought-provoking book on a feeling that most of us shun.  It seems counterintuitive to focus on a negative emotion that could potentially lead down a dangerous path of rumination. Pink bravely investigates the topic by drawing on research in economics, neuroscience, psychology and biology.  His findings were thought-provoking; while regret is universal, it doesn’t need to be negative. 

As Amy Blaschka wrote for Forbes, “In conducting his World Regret Survey, in which he collected regrets from more than 16,000 people in 105 countries, Pink found that most people have regrets that fall into four core categories:

  1. Foundation regrets — “If only I’d done the work.”
  2. Boldness regrets — “If only I’d taken the chance.”
  3. Moral regrets— “If only I’d done the right thing.”
  4. Connection regrets— “If only I’d reached out.”

As Pink wrote, “When we handle it properly, regret can make us better. Understanding its effects hones our decisions, boosts our performance, and bestows a deeper sense of meaning.” Pink suggests a 3-step process to tackle regret properly.

5 steps to capitalize on regret:

  • Undo it. If possible, undo the damage you’ve done.  Apologize for the pain you’ve caused or for not staying in touch or for the deeds you committed. I recall someone I went to elementary school with reached out to me some ten years ago.  I was on the west coast at the time and we met for coffee.  We chatted and caught up and then they apologized for bullying me in grade school.  I have to admit that I was bullied by so many during school, I had forgotten this person’s bullying but I so appreciated that they apologized.  Maybe it’s telling the truth, writing a check, going back for the degree, calling a long-lost friend or returning an heirloom. If there is a way to undo it, do it.
  • “At least.” Silver medalists are rarely smiling as much as the bronze medalists.  The silver medalist is thinking “if only” and the bronze medalist is thinking “at least” I made the podium.  Think more like a bronze medalist. I’ve done this with my children’s dad.  I will randomly remember a breach of trust he committed (some thirty-five years ago!), and then I think, “Well, at least I have two healthy, vibrate children or at least I travelled around South America with him”. It could always have been worse. Try on “at-least “Ing. 
  • Self-disclosure. Find a friend, sister or coach or pick up a pen and start writing. As Kevin Delany wrote for Charter Works, “Writing or talking about a regret can help move it from a place of emotion to a place where you can analyze it. Research has shown that just writing about a regret can make abstract emotions more concrete and lighten the burden.” I remember when my second marriage ended, I wrote several long diatribes to my ex.  I never mailed them but the release helped me transform the pain into forward motion.  Instead of getting caught up in the regret, I was able to slowly realize that this was actually a positive direction and that I wasn’t stuck any longer.  In retrospect, it was a boldness regret that I didn’t decide to take the chance to leave him but regardless, I was now free.  Bring it into the light and practice self-disclosure.
  • Self-compassion.  As Blacshka wrote, “We tend to treat ourselves far worse than we would ever treat others, whether they’re friends, family, or even strangers facing the same mistake. And berating ourselves when we’re already frustrated and feeling like a failure is counterproductive. Instead, we’re much better off extending ourselves the same kindness, warmth, and understanding we’d offer a good friend. By normalizing our negative experiences, says Pink, we neutralize them.”  What would you say if your child or friend came to you with the same regret?  That’s the self-talk you need to rectify the regret. 
  • Self-distancing.  Distancing doesn’t mean hiding or numbing out.  Self-distancing is putting space, time or language between you and the regret. Putting space between you and the regret is taking a different vantage point like being a fly on the wall.  How would the fly see the situation?  Putting time in between is looking out ten years and seeing what advice you would give yourself now.  I remember doing a time travel meditation after I gave up alcohol to project out how I would look in ten years if I kept the same pace of drinking. It’s really grounded me in sticking to my sobriety.  Using language is all about using the second or third person. Pink says that “when we abandon first person in talking to ourselves, the distance that creates helps us recast threats as challenges and replace distress with meaning.” Figure out how to distance yourself to get a new perspective.

Reading the book and writing this piece has brought up several regrets for me but I have to say that it’s been beneficial.  It has instructed me on the path forward, provided clarity and I feel lighter from the experience.  Regret doesn’t have to just be negative, it can be powerful. 

Got Imposter Syndrome? Here Are 5 Fixes.

There have been countless times in my life where I felt like an imposter. When I was in Junior High, I was first flute in the All-State Orchestra (granted Delaware is a very small state). I was initially proud of making first chair only to be overwhelmed by feeling like I would be caught. Found out. Attending the Hotel School at Cornell University where I was a work study student feeling completely inadequate with my fellow upper crust students whose pedigree far outranked my own. My first job out of college as a manager for a catering company in Manhattan. I was a 21-year-old woman working in a basement with 25 men, some twice my age, trying to manage a fast-paced catering business where the only rule was to “yes” to any customer request (i.e., lunch for 100 people in 45 minutes). Every day in that basement was complete anarchy with four phone lines of incoming orders and trying to supervise a largely immigrant crew. I felt like I would be unmasked every day.

As written by Chris Palmer for the American Psychological Association, “Up to 82% of people face feelings of impostor phenomenon, struggling with the sense they haven’t earned what they’ve achieved and are a fraud (Bravata, D. M., et al., Journal of General Internal Medicine, Vol. 35, No. 4, 2020). These feelings can contribute to increased anxiety and depression, less risk-taking in careers, and career burnout.” 82% of people are feeling the same way as me?  This doesn’t surprise me because I coach people every day who struggle with these same feelings. This manifests in my clients as countless work hours, fear of delegation and perfectionism

Got imposter syndrome?  Here are 5 fixes:

  1. Shine a light.  It starts with acknowledging you are feeling inadequate, or you are harboring doubts. As Jack Kelly wrote for Forbes, “The first thing you should do is acknowledge these feelings when they arise. There’s no need to hide it from others or feel badly about harboring these thoughts. By confronting your self-defeating thoughts, it’s the start of taking proactive steps to change your mindset.” Turn on that light switch and make what is in the back of your brain into the light.  Acknowledging is the first step in addressing it.
  2. Acknowledge your accomplishments. It’s really easy to have amnesia about your accomplishments.  Did you grow up in a single parent home and manage to graduate from high school? Are you able to speak two languages? Have you been able to raise a child to adulthood? Did you thwart a deadly illness? Have you finished a 5k? Did you finally earn that certification you always wanted? I remember finally crossing the mile high bridge on Grandfather Mountain.  I was terrified, but I did it. Write down your accomplishments and take stock.
  3. Watch your self-talk. I find the easiest way to reframe self-talk is to use the third person.  So instead of saying “I’m an idiot”, I think “Cathy you’re an idiot”.  Seems harsh.  I would NEVER call anyone an idiot so why the heck would I call myself an idiot.  It’s similar to reframe it to what you would say to a friend.  As Palmer wrote, “Try to observe when your impostor feelings surface and how you respond to them.” Be compassionate in your self-talk.
  4. Let go of perfectionism. I’ve coached countless folks who struggle with perfectionism.  In my mind it’s the manifestation of imposter feelings.  So, they constantly work harder and longer to make their output as perfect as possible so that no one will find out that they are imperfect and, therefore, an imposter. Palmer wrote, “It may help to release yourself from rigid roles. For example, Orbé-Austin said people with impostor phenomenon often see themselves as helpers––people who come to the rescue. “Breaking free from those roles so you can be someone who doesn’t know it all or someone who can’t always help can allow us to be more robust people and professionals,” she said.” Perfection is failing, it’s suffocating and keeping folks stuck.
  5. Share your thoughts. Perhaps through therapy, a coach, or a trusted friend, share your imposter feelings with someone you can confide in. I find when I coach that when my client actually says something out loud (instead of rumination), it will bring insight.  Saying it out loud makes it real and prompts examination. As Kelly wrote, “By sharing with others, it will release the pent-up burden. You’ll quickly find out that you’re not alone and this is shared by many other professionals. You will feel a big sense of relief once you find out that it’s commonplace, you’re in good company and it’s not just you.” Share your thoughts so others can weigh in and help examine their validity.

I believe that comparison is at the root of most imposter feelings. I envy my neighbors new Tesla, my friend’s vacation to the Alps, or my sister’s promotion to Vice President. Comparison is the thief of joy and will keep me in the imposter zone. As a friend said to me recently, “Stay in your lane.” Focus on what’s in front of you and your experience and let others focus on their lanes. How do you address imposter feelings?