👑Each of Us is Sovereign

On May 16, 2025May 12, 2025 By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

SOVEREIGN (noun)

a: one possessing or held to possess supreme political power or sovereignty

b: one that exercises supreme authority within a limited sphere

c: an acknowledged leader

Each of us is sovereign.

I learned this concept from a great coach I know, Alysia Vrolyk. I think this is completely applicable to all sorts of areas of your life (and of course mine). It’s probably most applicable if you have a teenage son, are in a committed relationship, work with others or are a coach. So if you are a hermit? Not so much. But if you aren’t, pay attention. You have supreme power over you. I am the acknowledged leader of me. I can love you or lead you or teach you but it is only you who decides what to do with what I give you. Sovereign.

The best illustration or example of this is the first time a teenage child gets behind the wheel and drives off without any co-pilot…without their mom to tell them to slow down or turn the iPod down. It’s terrifying but true – they are now officially sovereign. Whether that car (and its contents) returns to the driveway is completely and utterly up to that child behind the wheel and all the other sovereigns out there on the road. I have to say I wish I had this concept when my kids were looking at colleges. It’s not up to me, or their guidance counselor or their best friend. The decision of what school is completely up to my sovereign child.

So how do you incorporate a little sovereignty into your life? Here are some tips:

No meddling. Do not meddle in other sovereigns unless you are invited to a détente. So if I’ve started a new exercise regime and I think it would be an awesome idea if my significant other would do the same….stop. If I think the Vice President of Operations should make her whole crew work every weekend until the backlog is gone…stop. If I think the client’s goal should be to get a promotion instead of feeling confident in their industry knowledge…stop. Respect the authority of others to make their own decisions. If you have not been invited to meddle, don’t.
Detach from the outcome. I wrote recently that my daughter had to decide between three jobs. One of them would have left her in NYC and the other two brought her back home to North Carolina. I could not get attached to any outcome. All three jobs had their pros and cons but if I was excessively attached (like calling every day to find out how job prospect B was coming or constantly talking up prospect B), she would not have ultimately been able to make her own decision. I would have been way too invested in one outcome over another and…she would have resented my opinion. Detach from the outcome.
The gift you bring is your presence. Just because they are their own sovereigns does not mean you can’t be present. In the anguishing weeks where my daughter had to decide where she wanted to be this Fall, we talked several times on the phone. I was present. I listened. She played through the scenarios. She made decisions. I was a sounding board. I wasn’t there to sell her on what I wanted. I was there to let her think things through. It’s the same with clients working through a dilemma. I am present and ask the questions that help them do their own best thinking. You don’t know what you don’t know until you know. Only a sovereign can know what they really want. Sit back and be present.
No sweat. The great facilitator Paul McGinniss uses this phrase when modeling the coaching dialogue and the client hasn’t taken a step they planned. This happens all the time when a client doesn’t do the action they said they wanted to. They didn’t start… exercising, studying for the exam, standing up to their boss, having a meeting with their team. No sweat. Is it still important to you? What would make you feel like you are moving forward on this goal? They are their own sovereign. Let them decide the direction they want to go. You aren’t there for accountability; you are there for reflection and re-framing. Don’t sweat it.
You need to respect your own sovereignty. Don’t lose yourself in giving your time and presence to others. Don’t change the borders of your sovereign just because your neighbor asks. This is not a time to let folks roll over you. Keep the moat filled, the drawbridge in working order and your crown shined up. Don’t diminish your own self-respect. It is great to respect someone else’s space as long as they don’t tread on yours. Keep your back bone and self-respect.

When you grant other’s sovereignty, it’s freeing. You are no longer trying to be a backseat driver for everyone else. You have control of your steering wheel; if someone else fails, let it be. They are on their journey and you are on yours. Accepting that everyone has their own sovereignty untangles the expectations so that we are free to make decisions for ourselves and no one else.

😃 5 Tips to Setting Boundaries

On December 1, 2023November 21, 2023 By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I’ve been a professional coach for the last 15 years and have spent the last 3 years doing it full time. I have seen themes amongst my clients with the most prevalent being the inability to set boundaries. This was especially true when many of us became remote workers at the beginning of the pandemic. Half-naked spouses walked in the background of zoom calls, we were literally transported into colleagues’ bedrooms inclusive of unmade beds, screaming children and lounging pets. There never seemed to be an off switch to my laptop and the demands never seemed to stop. We’ve slowly inched back to what is nostalgically sort of normal (but not really). It’s time to start rebuilding the boundaries that we either had before the pandemic or start all over and initiate some boundaries from scratch.

I love this quote from Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, “Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/ or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.” Instead of walking around with resentment, think about one new boundary you could set up now so that you can take back control of your life.

Here are 5 tips to setting boundaries:

Minimize Notifications. I had a client complain about their spouse because they were unwilling to make dinner when she was delayed at work. I shared the Brene quote about resentment and said, “It sounds like he’s setting a boundary and perhaps you resent him for it.” She told me that the next evening she received a text a 3 AM. It ruined her sleep. She had an epiphany that she needed to set a boundary. She set up her phone to not receive text notifications from 9 PM until 5 AM. I can remember when I first got my laptop, I was getting bells and beeps for all kinds of reasons and I spent the next week figuring out how to turn them off. Most notifications are nothing but distractions and they invade at the most inopportune times like sleep or when you want to be fully present. Turning off notifications that aren’t useful is one boundary you can set.

Communicate with Clarity. I love the Power of the Positive No by William Ury because it’s all about communicating your values proactively instead of falling into resentment. The template is Yes, No, Yes. The first yes is what you value like “I value being present for my family when I’m not working”, the no is “I won’t be receiving notifications after work hours” and finally the last yes which is “If it’s truly an emergency I propose you can call my cell phone.” Setting expectations is a key part of setting boundaries. If you aren’t going to answer email or will be responding to slack messages at the end of the day, let your employee, coworkers and boss know. It can be quite jarring when someone who would answer you immediately suddenly starts answering texts the next day. Communicate your boundary upfront.

Get Uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is about leaning into discomfort. I typically don’t have clients of Fridays and I don’t have clients after 3 PM so that I can go swimming at a local pool. It can be uncomfortable when someone wants me to set up a recurring appointment during these times. I don’t necessarily have a conflict but this is my time. I have to make myself and what Stephen Covey referred to as Q2 time or quadrant 2 time, that which is important but not urgent. Lots of things fall into this quadrant like writing this blog, going swimming and working on ancestry projects. It’s uncomfortable to make this a priority. It doesn’t help that women aren’t typically good at advocating for themselves. To advocate for yourself by setting boundaries is to get uncomfortable.

Others May Not Get It. When I start advocating for myself with boundaries there is a good chance that other folks won’t get it. They may push back. It’s fine to empathize with “I can see you are frustrated I won’t change my schedule on Fridays” or “I can see you are upset that I didn’t respond to your email until this morning.” Just because someone else isn’t comfortable with your boundary is not an indication that the boundary is not useful or needed. As Wayne Dyer said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” Let go of the expectation that others will understand your boundary.

Stay Flexible. I go to bed at an outrageously early time for a grown adult. I usually head to bed at 8:30 PM. This has contributed greatly to better sleep for me. I have learned that if my kids are home or I am visiting others, I will need to be flexible. I recently saw my kid’s uncle in New York. I hadn’t seen him in over 10 years and it meant driving a night (something I try to avoid) and not getting home until 10 PM. Yes, I have boundaries but I need to be flexible and adaptable to the situation at hand. I also have to pick up my son in the middle of the night as he travels back from several weeks overseas in the Republic of Georgia. I may flex or update my boundary but I’m able to resume it, if it’s still a priority to me.

As I frequently tell my clients it’s important to start small. I think of Tim Ferris’ book, “The 4-hour workweek,” in which he only responds to emails once a week and he had clearly outlined boundaries throughout his week so that he is able to only work 4 hours a week. That is great for Tim. It’s not necessary to start there for you or me. Start small and get a win on creating one tiny boundary. What boundary will you try first?

👍 Steps to the Positive No

On August 11, 2023July 30, 2023 By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I just finished William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No. Ury is the coauthor of Getting to Yes and Getting Past No and is a negotiating expert as well as the cofounder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation. He knows of what he writes. “No” is one of the most uncomfortable things to say as it puts a stake in the ground or sets up a boundary. And for most folks, including myself, this can be difficult. To push back in scenarios where work is impeding your personal life or standing firm in a decision to go down one path instead of another (more popular, better supported) path can be anguishing.

The first paradigm around No that I learned was from coach and author Christine Kane in what she originally referred to as the Proactive No and, has since changed it to, the Natural No. I can see now that they have some of the same principles although Ury’s has a lot more detail. Kane’s structure is really more a combination of Ury’s Step 1 and Step 2 and leaves out Step 3 which I can see is very imporant.

Here are the 3 steps to the Positive No:

Express your Yes. As Ury writes, “Perhaps the single biggest mistake we make when we say No is to start from No. We derive our No from what we are against – the other’s demand or behavior. A Positive No calls on us to do the exact opposite and base our No on what we are for. Root your No in a deeper Yes – a Yes to your core interests and to what truly matters.” So, I have to think about what my core belief is or my why. If my boss wants me to work this Saturday, my Yes is quality time with my family. My Yes is spending dinners with my family. My Yes is getting 8 hours of sleep. My Yes is focusing on plant-based foods. I have to figure out my underlying Yes before saying No which takes thought. Leading with Yes is a much more positive, respectful approach. Kane’s framework involves preset boundaries and expressing them like “Sunday nights are for family” or “I only work with 10 clients at a time.” Being very clear with your boundaries or what you say Yes to. It’s not about stopping someone in their tracks, it’s shedding light on another aspect of your work or life that perhaps the other person is not aware of. It takes preparation and thought but start with your Yes. And it gives the other person a chance to understand you better.

Assert your No. Ury posits, “Saying No is essential to life. Every living cell has a membrane that allows certain needed nutrients to pass through and repels others. Every living organism needs such boundaries to protect itself. To survive and thrive, every human being and every organization needs to be able to say No to anything that threatens their safety, dignity and integrity.” He says that No is quiet, deep and firm. He also suggests having a Plan B which is a backup plan but is not dependent on the other person. He also recommends answering three questions before saying No, “Do I have the interest in saying No? Do I have the power? Do I have the right?” It’s important to focus on yourself and not to sweeten it up to be more receptive by the receiver. I’ve waffled many times in the past on my No. No is not a negotiation, it’s a statement. Controlling the other’s person’s reaction is not up to you. You can always empathize with how they feel like “I can see this caught your off guard” or “I understand you are upset with this”. Just don’t sympathize or feel their pain, just understand their pain. In Kane’s Proactive No, the No is the main focus although the Yes is embedded in it by saying “I spend dinners with my family so I can’t attend this meeting.” It gives the why Yes and the No all in the same statement. It leaves off the next step which I think is the most important.

Propose a Yes. Ury states, “Delivering a Positive No is the cure of the process, requiring skill and tact. It begins with an affirmation (Yes!), proceeds to establish a limit (No) and ends with a proposal (Yes?). This gives the opportunity for a positive outcome. You’re closing one door and asking the other to walk through another door.” Making a proposal shows respect and anticipates their needs. “Quality family time is important to me (Yes), I can’t work on the project this weekend (No), I propose I work late Monday and Tuesday to get it done (Yes?).” It also gives the other person a chance to say yes. Sometimes, the other person is angry or triggered. Sometimes, you can be upset or triggered. Giving space to cool off and coming back to a proposal may be in order. Sometimes, there’s not enough information and you can suggest a later time or to gather more information. You can also you If…Then proposals, “If I get project C done by noon, I can sit in on the interview.” I think the proposal aspect is the most freeing of the process because it’s not the cold hard No. It’s a No with a possibility of a different Yes. It’s a great opportunity to test assumptions.

I really think this framework is empowering because I typically would get caught up in being nice and not wanting to ruffle feathers so I would avoid saying no. It’s also important to know that someone could get angry or defensive or sad but none of that is in your control. What is important is making space to live your values and being able to set up boundaries. How do you say No?

🫣5 Ways to Combat Guilt

On March 24, 2023March 11, 2023 By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I just took my 14-year-old dog, Baci, to the vet for her annual checkup. I inevitably feel guilty by the end of the visit because I failed to brush her teeth or try out the pain reliever that the vet recommended last year. I also was told to listen to Baci when she does not want to walk more than a block. Ugh. I feel the full rathe of guilt as I walk my sweet Baci back to the car.

I had a client who was unable to sign into the coaching platform I use. He was frustrated and opted out of coaching because of the poor technology of the platform. Ugh. More guilt. When my children come home, I frequently forget to stock their favorite cereal or snack. Ugh. Guilty of being a bad mom. There are countless sources of guilt in my life and how I address it is important so that I don’t lapse into shame.

Here are the 5 ways I combat guilt:

Make a list. Prepare a list of all the things I do for my dog, my children, my clients, my family, my friends and neighbors. I collect the evidence of what I do for others. In Baci’s case, I have constantly said that “When I come back as a dog, I want to live Baci’s life.” She’s fed every day, gets to go on a walk (when she wants), gets full run of the house inclusive of all the snuggly couches and love seats. I drive her 90 minutes to a boarding place in my old town when I’m on a trip because they are so sweet to her. It’s hard for me to feel guilty when I take stock of all that I do for Baci and others.

Ask for more information. Check in on those that I feel I’m neglecting. Obviously, my dog is unable to answer but I can tell you that she doesn’t cower when I am near her. She is always excited to see me in the morning and to head out for a walk. Baci does not feel neglected. My adult children are pretty clear about their expectations although there was a moment over the holidays when my daughter had expected dinner and I said “I didn’t think you’d be here.” I suddenly realized that she was hurt (she had to extend her visit for several weeks) and then I said “I didn’t expect you to be here for tonight’s dinner, I thought you would be hanging with your friend.” Sometimes guilt can occur because we aren’t explicit with our own expectations.

Self Gratitude. I keep a gratitude journal every day where I write 5 things or people I am grateful for as well as one thing I’m grateful I did for myself, like writing this blog, walking, swimming or safe travels. I do this because we are wired towards a negativity bias. If your ancestors weren’t listening for the rustle in the bushes, they would not have survived the saber tooth tiger. This constant scanning of what is wrong in the environment skews what could be fun to look at to what is wrong; like I shouldn’t have eaten that bagel or I should have walked 5 miles. I try to be grateful every day and look for my accomplishments and successes

Role reversal. I try to think about if the roles were reversed. Obviously, this is difficult with my dog, Baci, but let’s face it, she is living the good life. As for my children, I think about this a lot as I try not to invade their lives too much but rather to be supportive when needed. My son can think that I know more than I do about what’s going on in his life. If he’s under a lot of stress, he can assume that I realize this, even when he’s not in the same room or city. I come from a place of “If he wants to talk, he will.” Sometimes I need to be more proactive and reach out. I think about how I would feel if I was in his shoes and it makes me more compassionate.

Decide on boundaries. I know that with Baci, I’m not likely at this point to invest in extraordinary means to extend her life. Outside of regular vaccines and vet visits, she’s been the center of my life for 14 years. Keeping a decent quality of life is what’s important. With my children, I try to be clear about how much help and support I’m willing to give and be clear in communicating those boundaries. If they’ll be arriving home after 2 AM, I appreciate a text. I stay out of their relationship with their father as it’s none of my business and I don’t need the guilt associated with trying to fix anyone but myself. I’ve made and continue to work on my boundaries.

I don’t get as overwhelmed by guilt anymore. I certainly get pangs of guilt like not flossing enough when I head to the dentist or staying 100% plant based when I get my cholesterol results but for the most part, I’ve done pretty well combating guilt. How about you? How do you combat guilt?

Saying Yes

On January 18, 2019January 22, 2019 By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy Noice, Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I recently finished Michael Bungay Stanier’s The Coaching Habit. He presented a great question that I have been pondering over the last few weeks. Bungay Stanier wrote, “Let’s be clear: What exactly are you saying yes to?” The converse of that is: “What are you saying no to?” I have been weighing out committing to some type of self-development program since the start of the year. I am weighing out what will have to change or what I will have to say “no” to in order to fit a new program into my life. Because saying yes will be saying no to something else. That or the yes will end up being something to bail out on two weeks into the program, since I am unwilling to say no to what is already in my life.

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When I say yes, I want it to be a firm, clear yes. Not a yes and then I never show up for the monthly meeting or do the homework or give only partial effort. It’s a hell yes or a hell no. I’m all in or all out.

This is what to consider when saying yes:

Be very clear

For me, being very clear is understanding the full ramifications of saying yes. How much time out of my day, week, or month will be committed if I say yes? Where will I fit this into my schedule? If I am on the road traveling, can I still remain committed? Is my physical presence needed or could this be possible virtually? Do I need to show up at meetings at a specific time or can I complete something at 1 AM on my smartphone? What is the investment in money, time and, most importantly, energy? This takes digging unless you’ve committed to something easy like buying cupcakes for the soccer game or offering to collect your neighbor’s mail. Unless it’s straight forward, make sure that you are clear on what you are saying yes to.

Have defined boundaries

We all have people (or animals) in our lives that test our boundaries. The person who is consistently late, the dog who scratches at the bedroom door at 4 in the morning or the co-worker who never turns the project in as prescribed. They are all just testing your boundaries. Be clear that you will be leaving at 8 AM, no exceptions. Don’t open the door for your dog unless there is thunder or fireworks. Only accept the project in PowerPoint and never in Excel. When you have defined boundaries, it makes saying yes (and no) a lot easier.

Know your priorities

For me personally, this has changed dramatically over the last two years. I am no longer married, I no longer drink and I eat a plant-based diet. What I said yes to two years ago wouldn’t work now. I traveled to Peru with a friend instead of a husband. My rotary club’s biggest fund raiser is a beer festival, so I opted out. I need to find new uses for my sous vide and outdoor grill. As I weigh out these two self-development programs, one is focused on writing and the other is about aligning with abundance. Is writing my focus or aligning with abundance? I think that aligning with abundance will help fund the writing down the road. My priority is abundance.

Nope. You cannot do it all.

I feel like I coach a lot more women who suffer from this than men. I coach some folks with StrengthsFinder and I find that if someone has Responsibility (take psychological ownership of what they say they will do) in their top 5 strengths, they have a REAL hard time saying no. Or letting go. Heck, I don’t have Responsibility in my top 10 strengths, but I had a real hard time letting go that I was not sending Christmas Cards out this year (so as not to feel like I overlooked my friends when they didn’t get one). Acknowledging that you can’t do it all can be powerful. Instead of planning and worrying and losing sleep on what you can’t possibly accomplish, let go and don’t say yes. If you say yes, make sure it doesn’t tip the scale towards overwhelm.

Pleasing others

I love the Wayne Dwyer quote: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” So, don’t say yes purely in the hope of impressing others. I thought about this with my Christmas cards this year. I didn’t have a recent family photo, I didn’t have much to report, and I feel like sending cards has been diminishing over the last few years. I felt the need to send cards was about pleasing others. I believe it’s a nice gesture and I appreciate the cards sent to me, but with a busy travel schedule around the holidays, it was a point that overwhelmed me rather than filled me with holiday warmth. I found other ways to share holiday warmth and stopped worrying about pleasing others. Say yes for yourself.

Everything is a trade-off. If I say yes to one thing, it means no to something else. It also works in reverse; if I say no to something, it means yes to something else. It’s all an act of discernment and being choosy about what you engage with. What are you saying no to that really should be a yes?

Setting Boundaries to Build Trust

On November 17, 2017November 27, 2017 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

This seems counterintuitive. Why would having firm boundaries increase trust? This is a concept I learned about from Brene Brown in her latest book, Braving the Wilderness. I imagined that if you have firm boundaries that you have created an impenetrable fortress around you. You don’t let anybody in, and in turn, certainly don’t let anybody out. Keep everyone at arm’s length.

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By Brene’s definition, it means making clear what’s okay and not okay. But this is really hard for those of us who just want to please everyone. Go along to get along. I’ve been in this camp for many years, whether it was giving into crazy rules and regulations of a relationship (i.e. no music while driving, no lemon, only foreign films, etc.) or making excuses why someone is late or not being respectful. Regardless, I haven’t been very good at setting up boundaries. So, this is something new for me and about 80 percent of my coachees.

Here are some ideas:

Take responsibility. There is only one person who can set up your boundaries and that is you. Your Fairy Godmother is not going to come down from on high and Prince Charming won’t arrive on his stead to set up your boundaries for you. Don’t play the blame game for someone else walking all over you. There is only one person who needs to take responsibility, and that is you. I know this is hard to swallow because it is so much easier to complain about how someone treated you, instead of owning it. Take responsibility for your boundaries.

Know your boundaries. Take some time to articulate your boundaries. Write them down. I don’t stay out after midnight. Never travel for business on a Sunday. Always request a booth at a restaurant. Only 25% of my business is pro bono. I agree to deadlines that are attainable. No phone calls after 7 PM. No technology at the dinner table. No more than three text or emails without a response. No committing to more than two events per week. I don’t leave my dog with a dog sitter for more than two days. Whatever they are, write them down. Know them. If you haven’t written them down then they might get blurry. Establish your boundaries.

Just say no. Brene writes about choosing to be uncomfortable for eight seconds when you turn something down, rather than the resentment that will eat at you if you say yes. When you can’t live with the uncomfortable eight seconds to say no, then you will end up living with resentment that will eat you up. I have done this many times. I’ve said yes to serving on boards I had no time or desire to be on. I don’t want to look like I am selfish. I’ve said yes to obligations that did not line up with my passions. The regret that comes with these decisions is a much heavier load than the eight seconds of being uncomfortable. Embrace the discomfort and say no.

Let go of the guilt. Guilt is an inside job. Maybe my mother is carrying a load of guilt on my behalf, but besides that, all the guilt I might carry is completely created by me. I carry guilt for other folks. My daughter made the decision to attend a once-in-a-lifetime event instead of a family event. I started picking up the guilt and carrying it with me. It was not my guilt to carry. She had set a boundary and I needed to respect that. Sometimes the guilt is attributed to someone else’s boundary. Respect that and let go. Don’t drag yours or anyone else’s guilt behind you. It is weighing you down.

Hold the line. Brene calls this accountability. Don’t back down once you have set your boundaries. I’ve been meditating for 30 minutes for the last 5 months. It is non-negotiable. If I have a 6 AM flight, I’ll get up at 4 AM to make sure I get my meditation in. Make sure your boundaries are non-negotiable. At this point, this boundary in my life is a habit, similar to brushing my teeth. If you hold the line long enough, it becomes second nature.

Establishing boundaries builds trust. In many ways, it is trust in yourself in that you know what is best for you. Isn’t that what it’s all about. Knowing what is best for you? What boundaries do you need to establish?

6 Strategies to Kick Stress to the Curb

On January 25, 2015January 24, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

This is the time of year when most companies are in the middle of figuring out if they are as profitable as they thought. As efficient. If all the effort in 2014 was worth it on the bottom line. Annual reviews are being drafted, bonuses figured out. The worker bee hamster wheel is in full throttle. Will we have red or black ink on the bottom of that Profit and Loss statement? Kind of stressful and overwhelming.

It’s so important to be able to take a break. Touch the pause button. Tough to do in a deadline driven society. There are so many business cultures where the guy who stays the latest or works every weekend is the hero. Burning the midnight oil is a sign of fortitude and admired by the guys in the boardroom. All you have to do is read a book like “The 4-Hour Workweek” by Tim Ferriss and you realize that in the long run (or even the short run) being stressed out and overwhelmed is not the end all and be all of life. We all need to make sure we are grabbing a little balance and honestly – Maybe a lot of balance.

Here are some strategies to right the boat and eliminate some of the stress in your life:

1. Exercise. Ugh no. I hate exercise. It’s snowing out. It’s too hot. It’s dark. I’m too tired. It’s raining. I have said all these things. I have come home at the end of a hard day of work and thought “just sit on the couch and watch the news”. But I force myself to go grab my sneakers, dress appropriately (i.e. rain gear, reflector vest or gloves) and head outside. I might dread the first 5 minutes it takes to get myself together but once outside, I am able to flick the switch. I’m not saying I don’t think about the day or start thinking about tomorrow but I’m out in the elements. I’m moving. I have a new perspective. My heart is beating, my brain is being restored and my stress levels melt away. I don’t care what it is. Get moving!

2. Music. Find some calming music. This is not the time to break out some AC/DC or Iron Maiden. According to P. Murali Doraiswamy, M.D, there are two criteria for music to be calming, “Tunes slower than your heart rate, and ones that are classical music, appear to be the most effective at soothing stress.” Grab some Mozart or Windham Hill or Snatam Kuar and chill out. You can even take a walk with your ear buds in and kill two birds with one stone. There is a time and place for upbeat music just not when you want to de-stress. Take five minutes at work and pop those earbuds in and chill out. It uses a different part of your brain. You’ll come back to do better thinking. Find your music.

3. Reading. This is not the time to pick up the newspaper which can be stress inducing. Find a book that will bring you pleasure and escape, an adventure for your mind. I read “Gone with the Wind”. No small feat. But completely engrossing. According to the University of Minnesota, “a 2009 study at the University of Sussex found that reading can reduce stress by up to 68%. It works better and faster than other relaxation methods.” Personally, I think it’s due to putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and seeing from their perspective for a bit. Poor Scarlet and all her trials and tribulations. Suddenly I’m not worried about whether that client calls back. Pick up a book.

4. Meditation. Try just 5 minutes of meditation. I remember getting all wrapped up in doing it “right”. Let go of that. There are not meditation police that are going to come over and correct you. There are recordings, apps and books on the topic. Pick one up and give it a spin. Start slow and work your way up. Don’t go head off to a week long retreat at a Buddhist Temple if you are just getting started. Praying or Yoga can provide the same benefit. Pick what you are most comfortable with and get started. According to the Mayo Clinic, “When you meditate, you clear away the information overload that builds up every day and contributes to your stress. And these benefits don’t end when your meditation session ends. Meditation can help carry you more calmly through your day.” It’s like taking a de-stressor pill in the morning and it time releases throughout the day. Find your breath.

5. Control. It turns out that stress is dictated by our sense of control. So find things that are within your control. Strum a guitar, knit a sweater, paint a water color or write a blog. As Eric Barker wrote for Time Magazine, “Anything that increases your perception of control over a situation — whether it actually increases your control or not — can substantially decrease your stress level.” Bearing that in mind, reflect on what you are in control of. The time you get up, making lunch, your response to an upset customer. Realizing that you are in control of much more than you might normally think reduces your sense of feeling overwhelmed. Be in control.

6. Boundaries. Set clear boundaries. I leave my cell phone in the kitchen (far away from my bedroom) to charge all night. I don’t answer work emails on the weekend. I try to limit screen time (i.e. television, internet surfing, Netflix, etc.) to two hours a day. We eat dinner at the table with the television off. I try to do creative work early in the day and, as my willpower and concentration evaporates, I will work on more repetitive tasks like paying bills, social networking and returning emails in the afternoon. The world is constantly bombarding you for attention, set up some boundaries.

I have to say that having an empty nest has really helped my stress levels. No running out to school to drop off a book report or finding out about a last minute wrestling meet some two hours away. It might also be that I realize now that I am in control of my response to something that might be perceived as stressful. Take back control.

7 Ways to Be an Agile Leader.

On October 5, 2014October 4, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

At a recent conference on coaching led by the insightful, Cindy Lamir, she introduced a new concept for me which is VUCA and it’s affect on leadership. VUCA, which is a military term from the 1990’s that stands for Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous is the new normal. Everything since September 11th and then, the subsequent meltdown of the economy in 2008, has pointed to one thing; we all need to be flexible. The new normal in the workplace is a barrage of information which may (or more likely) may not be useful. We now have a workforce which spans 60 years in generation, is constantly bringing in new technology and is connected globally. There is no more status quo.

Focusing just on competencies is dead. It’s not that competencies aren’t important, it’s that in a VUCA environment, knowing say the latest version of Excel will only get you so far. Focusing on building skills is not going to help you scan the environment for the latest threat from a competitor or look for patterns in customer demand. The secret is flexibility or more poignantly – agility.

So before we get into what an agile leader is, let’s look at what an agile leader is not. It’s not the top down style of; “don’t do anything until I tell you to”, micro managing, control freakish, old school, cigar smoking, feet crossed on the desk, pin-stripped wearing manager. It is not holding on tight to every detail, making sure everyone has their butts in their seats, folks raising their hands to go to the bathroom and most certainly the leader where not one single decision gets made without their almighty stamp of approval. It will not work in this environment.

So unless you want to be leading a bunch of no talent zombies, try some of these tactics to become an agile leader:

1. Delegate. Challenge those that work for you by delegating. I know it’s easier not to delegate and that you are the best at preparing the budget, interviewing forklift drivers and deciding what we should have at the Christmas party. It’s going to take time and mistakes will be made. It’s inevitable. Get over it. How do you expect folks to grow unless you give them a challenge, something new? How are you going to be able to conquer new territory if you are still deciding on the canapés for the Christmas party? Let go and let them grow. Delegate.

2. Teach your thought process. I have been naturally curious my whole life. Some folks aren’t. Some folks are afraid to ask why we do inventory at month end. They feel like they are intruding on the Great Oz. Show them behind the curtain. I can remember having my assistant sit in on a harassment investigation. Investigations are an unusual occurrence for most organizations but I knew she needed to be exposed to the process and learn why I did what I did. There are things you’ve been doing for years that only you understand why you do it. If you want to develop the folks around you, share your thought process.

3. “You decide”. Once you’ve delegated and given your thought process, let your assistant or people decide. Set up the parameters, how you will measure success and let go. For example, if I ask my daughter to make dinner on Friday evening. I can say I’d like a meat, vegetable and a starch as parameters. I can say that it will be successful if the meal is hot, served by 7 PM and costs less than $25 to prepare. Then let go. Any questions? OK. You decide.

4. Transfer development ownership. In a recent article by Nick Petrie called Future Trends in Leadership Development the addresses that once folks have learned the skills like how to create a budget, lead others or finish out year end, they need to be responsible for their own development. That 45 year old executive you hired last month, needs to take ownership of what they want to learn and how they are going to do. The environment is changing too fast and they know what’s in their own tool box better than you do. You cannot be responsible for their development. Leaders need to take it upon themselves to figure out what they need to grow and be a better contributor. Transfer ownership to them.

5. Transparent. This is not the time for closed door meetings. I just saw a presentation by the Human Resource Director of Insomniac Games. The company made a huge mistake a few years ago that was almost the death knell for the company. They didn’t listen to their gut and, perhaps more importantly, didn’t seek the advice or input from their employees. When they abandoned the losing project, they made a pledge that all new projects and pitches for new games would be a conference call with senior staff that EVERYONE could call in and listen to. So if you are a young game designer, not only do you get to pitch an idea, you get to hear feedback from the founders as to why it was or wasn’t a feasible idea. How transparent is that? So from the mail room to the founders, everyone is in on the process. Assume people want a voice and they will use it. Be transparent.

6. Collaboration. Cross functional teams are the new normal. If you are implementing a new purchasing system make sure there is someone from every department on the team and from every level especially if the forklift driver, the receptionist and the accounts receivable clerk all will touch the system in some way.. Put them on the team. In fact, put the receptionist in charge as project lead. It might be a stretch but that’s the new normal. Forget about titles and where all the lines are drawn between departments, truly embrace collaboration with the belief that everyone has a voice and the ability to lead. Your organization will be more nimble than any other. Embrace collaboration.

7. Boundary spanning. Be on the forefront of scanning for internal and external knowledge. Everything is interconnected. Everyone I know who is over 14 years old and under 70 has a smart phone. This is incredibly dynamic. I have a couple of Information Technology friends who went to a Meet Up (an impromptu group that gathers on a particular topic or cause or event) on Information Technology. They were blown away by how much information was out there and areas that weren’t even on their radar. Everyone in your company needs to have their finger on the pulse. Whether it’s Information Systems, Accounting, Purchasing or Widget Optimization everyone needs to take the lead on scanning the environment or you will be left behind in the dust on your typewriter, dial phone and listening to the “Eagles” on 8 track (ask your parents). Be spanning the boundaries.

You may be overwhelmed by all these items. That’s OK. Take one step at a time. You don’t need to do all 7 in the next month. Take it one bite at a time. Maybe October will be “Collaboration” Month. Great. One step, any step is going to help you keep in step with VUCA. The more you learn, the more you adapt, the more you succeed, the faster the cycle goes. If you read this whole post, you are already on your way to being more agile.

6 Ways to Stay Focused. Keeping Mind Clutter in Check.

On January 19, 2014January 18, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator4 Comments

Last week I wrote about physical clutter, this week it’s about interpersonal time suckers in your life. The force of other people’s priorities into your life to distract you from your true passion. Someone drops by your office just as you are hitting your stride on a project. Your boss voluntolds you for a local board that you really aren’t interested in. The school calls because (according to the rules) your daughter’s skirt is too short and you need to come to the rescue with a potato sack.

Most Human Resource professionals live in a constant state of interruption. Meetings with Human Resource are rarely scheduled. There is normally a fire smoldering (or raging out of control) before someone decides to drop by or pick up the phone – do you have a minute? It’s rarely a minute. It’s the nature of the beast.

Someone else’s failure to plan, schedule or otherwise handle an issue can easily leak into your life and weigh you down. If you want to stay on track to your best work, you need to work on keeping people from treading on you. Don’t be a doormat. Here’s how:

1. No. Set up some boundaries. Let your family, friends, and colleagues know where your limit’s are. Business mentor Christine Kane calls this your “Proactive No”. I’m not available from 9 until 10:30 AM. I only work with charities that are aligned with my goal of helping disadvantaged children. I’m always home on the Sunday to be with my family. I set my schedule according to my son’s wrestling meets. No television or phone calls during dinner. I check email and voice mail on the hour. Draw a line in the sand.

2. Barriers. Shut your door. Put on some headphones. Turn off your phone. Mark out your space. A colleague of mine used to put police tape across his cubicle when he had an important conference call. In the book “18 Minutes” by Peter Bregman, the author has prescribed work hours in his home office and his children know that they may not interrupt for any reason. If the door is shut – don’t interrupt Daddy. Other barriers can be turning off all alerts for phone, email and text. I have a little piece of post it note over the place on my monitor where the little envelope shows up when I have email. Out of sight, out of mind.

3. Cue. When someone comes in asking if you have a minute – give them a cue. Mark out a time limit. I’ve got fifteen minutes. I have a conference call at 2. I’m in the middle of a project but I can give you ten minutes. Give them the parameters before they get started. This will help them hit the highlights before heading down a long meandering tale of whoa. If you find out this is bigger than you thought it would be, you might need to stop and quickly reschedule impending appointments. Being up front will help soften transition back to your own priorities.

4. Delegate. Can someone else do this? Don’t be the hero. You do not need to be responsible for everything that comes across your desk or desk top. I know. It so much easier to just take care of it yourself. Especially if you are impatient like me. You’ve been doing that report for the last 3 years and it only takes you 30 minutes to complete. Training someone else will take at least an hour and they will probably make mistakes the first few times around. Ugh. Invest the time and, in the long run, it will pay off in additional hours to spend on what brings you joy in your life.

5. Gossip. Hanging out at the water cooler isn’t the greatest use of your precious time. Discussing the latest episode of “Modern Family” or who got kicked off of “Top Chef” is usually a procrastination technique. Gossiping about Suzy’s new haircut or Joe’s constant lateness can damage your relationships in the long run. Gee, if Cathy will talk about Joe that way…what is she saying about me behind my back. More mind clutter. Your prefontal cortex doesn’t need to be fed that stuff. Keep the stage clean.

6. Select. Being more selective about who you hang out with can improve your use of time. Hanging out with Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy can suck the time and energy out of you. Being around optimistic folks helps you stay of away from your lizard brain and fueling the flame of fear. Surround yourself with some carefully selected Pollyanna’s and let them lift you up to your best. This is advice that I have given my daughter frequently. When she complains about a “friend” being consistently critical of her actions or associations, I ask – why are you hanging out with this person? What value are they bringing?

Frequently it’s best to back away and seek out those who will help you stay clutter free.

What would you do?

Burn your doormat.

On August 21, 2012August 19, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

5. Gossip. Hanging out at the water cooler isn’t the greatest use of your precious time. Discussing the latest episode of “Mad Men” or who got kicked off of “Big Brother” is usually a procrastination technique. Gossiping about Suzy’s new haircut or Joe’s constant lateness can damage your relationships in the long run. Gee, if Cathy will talk about Joe that way…what is she saying about me behind my back. More mind clutter. Your prefontal cortex doesn’t need to be fed that stuff. Keep the stage clean.

Frequently it’s best to back away and seek out those who will help you burn the doormat.

What would you do?