amygdala – Workplace Navigator

I finished Mel Robbin’s book Let Them Theory last month and it’s a great mantra to keep in mind throughout the day. My friend didn’t respond to a text about stopping by, let them. Spouse leaves the dishes in the sink (while the dishwasher sits empty), let them. Flat tire on the way to an appointment, let them. Your boss is in a bad mood, let them. Your dad judges your new job, let them. Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory has unlimited use moments. Every day.

Robbins talks about seeing old friends on social media having a great getaway weekend…without her. She spiraled. How could they? What did she do wrong? That whole feeling of FOMO and feeling the injustice that someone could overlook her or shut her out. I think of this as the “story I’m telling myself”; where I create a whole story that everyone is against me and somehow I’m not worthy. It’s futile, damaging and painful. And it’s completely self-defeating. It does absolutely no good.

Here are the steps to Let Them and Let Me:

Know what you can control. Almost everything that is outside of me is outside of my control. The weather, time, gravity, people’s opinions, other people’s effort, other people’s decisions and other people’s habits. My worry and consternation cannot change something that I have no control over. Making someone interested in you, getting a job offer, being picked on the kickball team, making the traffic jam disappear or getting that screaming baby to calm down on an overseas flight. These are outside of my immediate control. What can I control? That’s the let me part. I can focus on what I’m interested in, I can keep putting out resumes and expanding my network, I can practice my kickball skills or pursue basketball instead, I can be grateful for the break in a traffic jam and hope that no one is seriously injured, and I can put on headphones or offer to fill a bottle for the baby. There is also my response to all these aggravations. I can breathe deep and stay centered instead of reacting or turning up the volume on my inner critic. I look for what I can control and that is where my peace lies.

Know your brain. We all do our best thinking when we have access to our prefrontal cortex (PFC). This is where the magic happens. We plan, we find solutions, we are creative and we are innovative when we are able to be in our PFC. Unfortunately, stress hijacks us out of our PFC and into our Amygdala. When we are in our Amygdala, it’s all fight, flight, freeze or fawn. This is when I say stupid things and frequently do things I regret (I’m looking at you Ben and Jerry’s). I was alarmed this past year when I read in a research study that it takes a minimum of 20 minutes to get out of our Amygdala and back into our PFC. So, if I’m called out at a budget meeting in front of the entire senior staff, I’m not likely to have a well thought out eloquent response. In my opinion, this is the time to get some kind of break so that I don’t put my foot in my mouth. There are also centering exercises like thinking about my big toe, taking 3 deep breaths, or rubbing my thumb and forefinger together to feel my fingerprint ridges. The point is to focus on your body instead of your brain which is currently drowning in chemicals. So, before I engage in responding, I need to know where my brain is. Am I in my Amygdala or my PFC? Once I know the answer, I can take the next best steps.

Know your power. Learning to let them is very powerful. When I get caught up in someone else blocking my way or getting sucked into wanting to change them, I feel empty and fragile. By pushing back or resisting, I end up expending a lot of energy and I feel depleted. It’s like trying to push a rope. I realize now it’s futile and exhausting. Let them helps me feel more powerful because I’m focused on what I can do and control instead of getting wrapped up in what I can’t.

Know your values. The Let Them Theory frees me up to make choices that align with my values. I’m not trying to appease someone or worry about “how something” will look to others. As long as it’s aligned with my values, then I can Let Me. I get to take ownership of where I want to be and what I want to do instead of (unsuccessfully) trying to drive others to what I want. Or what I think they should want. I get to follow my values and let them follow theirs.

Know others. It’s impossible to change someone else. Robbins spent several chapters on a woman who wanted to get her husband to shape up. Nagging and cajoling just don’t work. The more I push the less the other person wants to comply. If it’s not their own idea, it’s not going to happen. My son isn’t going to apply for an early decision at my alma mater. My partner isn’t going to quit drinking. Respect that each person is on their own path and they get to decide which direction to go. Robbins suggests setting the example and then let go. So, If I want to get my friend to start running every morning, I can go running every morning and tell them how great I feel when I do. Beyond that, sit back and see if they get there on their own.

Relinquishing power to control others is so powerful. Robbins does a great job making it so easy in just two words: Let Them. And then, Let Me. Let me respond with my values and set the example of having the boundaries that align with them. Can you let them?

The amygdala is the almond shaped cluster of cells at the base of your brain and is part of your limbic system. It is responsible for your stress response and because it is innate, you have very little control over it. Fear is a good thing. It has protected you, me, our ancestors from walking off cliffs, encounters with tarantulas or even saber tooth tigers. The amygdala is also the keeper of fear memories, a log book of those past dangers and close calls that were avoided. As with any operating system, no two people are alike. We each have our own modus operandi. Your amygdala is unique to you and has kept score differently than mine. I may have no problem speaking in front of an audience of 200 folks and you might be terrified. I might cringe and shut down at being the brunt of a joke on a Zoom call while you may love being the center of the hilarity.

There are four classic responses to fear or stress: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. As written by Sherry Gaba in Psychology Today, “Flight includes running or fleeing the situation, fight is to become aggressive, and freeze is to literally become incapable of moving or making a choice. The fawn response involves immediately moving to try to please a person to avoid any conflict.” Imagine all these in the workplace, even more so, think of these in a mostly WFH workplace during a pandemic. Perhaps our hands are tied but it is still showing up.

The Amygdala in the workplace:

Fight

So how does fight show up? A stressed-out coworker using the fight response might send long diatribes blaming every other department for missed deadlines, or veto a change to the plan without reason, or go behind their arch enemies back to shut down a program. The fight response may not be overt but behind closed doors. The fix? A private conversation. In this case, I think video is better to be able to read body language. For someone whose automatic response if fight, addressing it quickly is important. The fighter wants to be unchecked so they can do more damage. Hold them accountable, although I would try to do it privately, if possible. Remember that the fight response may be behind closed doors and might take some effort to uncover.

Flight

So how does flight show up? For someone working under stress or anxiety, they may ghost a meeting with a contentious coworker, not respond to requests for a deadline, and, perhaps worst of all, just quit. I have seen folks just quit “out of the blue” because they can’t seem to cope with the demands of work. Flight, for them, is their automated response.

The fix? Try to talk to the coworker privately. I think speaking over the phone without video can feel safer, as in safer to express our true feelings (and fears). If you are managing someone in flight mode, give them some space and then help set up resources that will allay their fears. When we see no end in sight, the overwhelm can make us want to flee. See what resources are available to reduce their workload. This maybe not be possible and it may not work; sometimes, the only solution is to let them fly off.

Freeze

So how does freeze show up? An anxious coworker will become inactive. They may be afraid of losing their job due to the recent company initiative, and not respond to emails and phone calls. It may feel difficult to move things forward due to a coworker’s inaction. They may never answer the poll, or the meeting request, or the IM. The fix? I think a private phone call maybe the best approach. Make sure they are alone and, if not, schedule the call for a private time. Privacy while WFH can be difficult to arrange. Once on the phone, probe for their fears or frustrations. Putting their saber tooth tigers in a cage can help them do better thinking. When someone is hijacked into freeze response, there won’t be effective thinking until the cage door is closed. Someone reacting with freeze response may take some time to uncover.

Fawn

So how does fawn show up? The stressed coworker turns to pleaser mode. They preemptively agree so as not to upset or anger a coworker. You may notice that they quickly agree perhaps without reason. You may have thought they were opposed to working on the project on a Saturday, but they quickly prove you wrong and say, “Yes”.

The fix? Well, the pleaser sometimes will take care of all the loose ends and be quick to move forward. You may think, why should I question it? Again, although it might seem counterproductive to talk to the fawner, talk to them by phone. When it is a private conversation and you ask if they have any misgivings with the plan, you are more likely to get an authentic, non-fawn, response. Having a bunch of pleaser responses may seem easier but their responses, especially long term, will alienate and burn them out.

Having stressed employees react from their amygdala is automatic and lacks cognitive reflection. Once someone has left their prefrontal cortex (where they do their best thinking) and landed in their amygdala, thinking has dropped. What is important is to adapt our response to their amygdala reaction.