Good Enough IS Perfect. 5 Ways to Get Off the Perfection Treadmill.

On December 14, 2014December 14, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Sometimes there is this feeling that you are settling when something is good enough. Like you left some money on the table or you aren’t trying to be an over achiever. But it turns out that good enough will make you happier, satisfied, and content. In Tal Ben-Shahar‘s book, Pursuit of Perfect, there is a big price to pay for the constant striving for perfection. The author paid the price while attending Harvard. Anything less than an “A” was failure, so he worked constantly to make sure he could maintain his perfection. And the price? He wasn’t happy. When you are constantly striving for perfection, you never get to the destination. You think you are but you never arrive. That’s if great success is supposed to be a college degree, making your first million or finally getting married. You might hit a bump in happiness, but the next day, you are back on the perfection treadmill.

I am amazed at how many of us are out there on that treadmill. Beating ourselves up for every B- paper, one pound gained or bad hair day. We are ever vigilant to find out how we failed and how we did not attain success. The constant interior score card. “I should have stayed late”, “I can’t believe I ate the chocolate cake,” or “I never spend enough time with my kids.” It’s the constant balancing act of being all things to all people. I remember thinking I was stretched in college between school work, my social life and my part-time job. That was way before email, smart phones and the digital deluge made you feel overwhelmed, let alone children, aging parents, full-time jobs and a spouse. Ben-Shahar had some great points on how to achieve good enough and to embrace being human.

Here are some ideas on how to be OK with good enough:

1. Accept. We need to accept the good with the bad. The problem is that we tend to over react and ruminate over the failures. In focusing on all that went wrong, we gloss over what went right. I can tell you ever bad training I’ve facilitated but will forget the successes. I remember everything the boss didn’t approve but when it comes to the laundry list of things she has approved, they are buried deep, never to see the light of day. I can’t tell you how many people can’t take a compliment. I say “I love that necklace!” Co-worker “This old thing? My mom bought it from a street vendor in Mexico. I don’t think it’s worth 5 bucks.” We are hard-wired to reject the good and focus on the bad. Accept what is good in your life.

2. Open. Be open to feedback. Perfectionists want to maintain a façade of perfection. They deflect criticism. They hide from it for fear they will crumble. If you seek out feedback from both good and bad experiences, you become more resilient. I seek out feedback from both coaching clients and training participants. I embrace and accept the “That was great, Cathy” and the “I felt rushed” comments equally. I find that people who aren’t open to feedback tend to get paranoid. They are afraid that everyone dislikes them which makes them even more fearful of feedback. Really? There aren’t that many people that are unilaterally disliked (i.e. Madoff, Hussain, etc.). But they are so busy preserving their self-image that they can’t make course corrections like “being a better listener” or “you could delegate more clearly” along with the “you have a great sense of humor” and “that meeting took courage”. Open up to it all.

3. Release. Try and release that you need to be all things to all people all the time. I have to admit that this has been a struggle. This is especially difficult during the holidays. There was a time when I baked 20 different types of holiday cookies with my then small children (they weren’t that helpful and there was a lot of raw cookie dough consumed) and delivered them to all my employees at the restaurant I owned. All the burnt, dented and mal formed cookies befell my stomach and the rest of the “perfect” cookies were given to all my deserving employees. While this was a very noble gesture, it was completely impractical and made me very anxious every Christmas as my kitchen filled with hundreds of cookies, my kids did not have my full attention, and I become overwhelmed. I am wiser now. I instead put out about a third of the holiday decorations, walk right past the chocolate chips at the grocery store and give a card to my employees. To be good enough means to release the unrealistic expectations.

4. Allocate. Find ways to reasonably allocate your time. Perfectionist are looking ways to maximize their day to try an accomplish EVERYTHING. When they don’t? They are crushed by the failure. Be realistic. Can you really take the dog for a walk, work 10 hours a day, make dinner, take your daughter to ball practice, do the laundry, read a novel, AND run for 2 miles? No. You can’t. OK, you can for maybe one day out of the week but you will be toast by the end of the day. Toast. Figure out how much time you want to spend in a given week on everything that is important to you and then back off about 30%. So if you want a date night with your spouse every week, go out every other. If you want to get that project done at work, schedule an hour every day instead of trying to plow through it in a day and a half. Knowing that you have allocated the time and will be able to have an adult conversation with your spouse at least every other week will feel great, and make sure it actually happens instead of feeling guilty that you couldn’t do it all. Allocate your time.

5. Mono-task. Multitasking is exhausting and it’s really just task switching. You aren’t really texting and driving, you are driving, then texting, then driving, then texting, then driving (then crashing). When you spend your day talking on the phone while answering email or watching TV while eating dinner, you are numbing yourself to the world. You are not present and it is completely unsatisfying. So decide you are going to text, and sit down and text. Talk to your brother on the phone and turn off the television. Go out to dinner with your son and put your cell phone in your pocket. You’ve decided where you want to allocate your time, so go be present for that time. Embrace mono-tasking.

The interesting thing is there are certain pockets of our lives that we reserve for perfection. For me, it has been my coaching and facilitation work. It was wonderfully freeing to me when my coach mentor, Satyam Chalmers, said that there was no perfect question. If a question falls flat, your presence is more important than finding the perfect question. Whew. What a relief. It’s the same for facilitation. I can feel like I haven’t followed the “script” but going with the flow of the room is much more important. I’m good enough and enjoying the work so much more.

Failing towards Success.

On October 12, 2014October 5, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Robert F. Kennedy

If you aren’t failing, you aren’t innovating. Wow. That’s a scary realization. I had a project go off the rails recently and I have to say that at the time I was reading, Scott Adams‘ book, How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. It was an eye opener. Scott Adams has failed at countless projects. Video games, restaurants, internet services, Velcro Rosen bags, and Webvan to name just a few of his failures. He suggests actually being steeped in failure. If I was not in the middle of the book reading about all of his failures, my project that failed would have stopped me. I’d have thrown in the towel. I’m not meant for this. But Scott’s consistent optimism and his systems orientation showed me that failing is inevitable. As Scott said to look at “failure as a tool, not an outcome”. It’s reshaped the way I see failure. Don’t avert your eyes from failure, learn from it. Find the one little nugget of information and move on. Thanks, Scott.

Now I’ve started reflecting back on various other projects that were less than stellar in my life. Like this blog. I write it weekly and I can never predict if more people will click to open it or not. Frequently, the subject line or title has a lot to do with whether or not someone like you even decides to open it. This becomes a delicate dance between a quirky title like Lawnmower Fairies or something more main stream like The Butterfly Effect. One Small Change Can Have An Impact. So which do you think had more opens? The second one. It’s more straight-forward. It’s something that is relatable. I’m sure you are thinking, yeah, I can handle one small change…let me see what that’s all about. On the other hand Lawnmower Fairies was published in July of 2012 and has precisely 26 opens…ever. The Butterfly Effect was published in July of 2014 and has had over 154 opens as of this morning. Big difference. I don’t write cryptic titles any more. I mean what the heck IS a lawnmower fairy and why would anyone but immediate family (thanks Mom) want to read about it? The most important thing is to learn from it. Otherwise, I could have packed up this blog two years ago and thrown in the towel.

So here are some of the secrets on how to get to success through all those failures:

1. Do. My friend, Janine quotes Yoda frequently, “No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.” Do the work. Write the blog. Contact potential clients. Raise the money. Research potential locations. Read books on the topic. Put a business plan together. Network. Update your resume. Make a LinkedIn profile. See who else sells Purple Squirrel catchers. Decide what you want on your menu. Figure out how many items you want in your product line. Decide if you want to self publish or not. Show up and do. Do do do.

2. Energy. Scott Adams spends a lot of time talking about energy. If want to be constantly “doing”, you can’t be sitting on a coach eating Twinkies all day. Think about how you are going to keep the fire in your belly roaring. Regular movement is one of the best things to keep you optimistic and motivated. There is no downside to exercise except for over doing it or the cost of equipment. Eat fuel that helps your body keep in tip top shape. You know if you eat that cream filled donut you will feel miserable in an hour and want to go back to bed. So don’t. Keep you energy stoked.

3. Reframe. Anytime you have a setback or make a mistake, reframe it. Say to yourself “Hmmm, that was interesting, what can I learn from this?” I have to say I use this when I coach. A client will say that they want to do yoga 5 times a week and they don’t follow through. Goose egg. So I say, “No sweat. What did you learn from that?” Client says, “I don’t like yoga”. Me, “Great. Is exercise still important to you?” Client, “Yes. I think I’d rather play tennis 3 times a week”. OK so now we have reframed and moved on.

4. Keep on. Keep on keeping on. It’s so easy to fall under the shadow of one small failure and decide to succumb to fear. “I’m not meant to be an entrepreneur.” “I’ll never get into that college.” “I’ll never find the right partner.” Do not sit and catalog all your failures from the last thirty years in order to rationalize why you should give up. Think about Thomas Edison and his 1,500 failures at creating a light bulb. Thank goodness he didn’t give up. Keep on.

5. Systems. Scott recommends creating systems instead of goals. So a system is getting daily movement. A goal is running a marathon. A system is eating three vegetables a day. A goal is losing 20 pounds. Systems are just habits in disguise. As Scott sees goals as limiting. Once you achieve it you are done. With a system, you are constantly updating and looking for opportunities. Take the system of daily movement. I don’t need to worry about whether it’s yoga, running, walking or jitterbugging. I just make sure I get daily movement. It’s a habit. A process with no end point. Set up systems.

6. Acceptance. Make sure to accept the failings of others. When you start judging those around you for their failures, it’s just a reflection of how you see yourself. If you think your son isn’t athletic enough or your daughter isn’t smart enough…there is a good chance that you don’t see yourself as “enough”. We are just works of art in progress. At one point, the Mona Lisa was just a few strokes of paint waiting to be brought to fruition. Let go and accept.

I’m not sure why I never realized it before but Scott Adams’ book just made me understand that we are all out here just trying our best. He was drawing Dilbert for 8 years while still working full time at Pacific Bell. He’s a real human just like me. We are all humans just like me.

Untether The Balloon. 5 Ways To Detach From The Outcome.

On June 15, 2014June 14, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve just spent a few days on the West Coast and met up with a great college friend. We spent a lot of time talking about “Not being attached to the outcome.” She shared an example of a conference she attended where, a group of 30 had to divide into three learning groups. There was no guidance as to how the groups needed to be put together but that everyone in the group had to agree with the makeup of the group. That’s a tall order. She said they spent two days trying to divide up the groups. She was tracking certain folks she wanted to be with, but the turning point for her was letting go and not being attached to the outcome. She ended up in a group sans any of the folks she was tracking but it still proved to be a great group. Letting go of the outcome let her be open to other possibilities.

I was coaching a client this week who wasn’t sure they wanted to do an Ultra Marathon (over 26.2 miles). So I asked what the worst case scenario was and he said a, “To not finish.” I asked, “What is so bad about that?” He said ” Well, I guess I could try again, especially if it’s an injury”. Exactly. We don’t need to be so tied to the outcome….it is…what it is. Let the balloon go and let it float away. Let. It. Go.

So how do we let go, become untethered from the outcome? Here are some steps to try on for size:

1. Meditation. This seems appropriate since non-attachment has its roots in Buddhism. Spending even five or ten minutes on mediation each day helps you to let go of thought. It’s not like you stop thinking, but you learn to let go of thoughts as they come into your mind for ten minutes like little balloons lifting off. It helps you learn to let go of the story. Let the story balloons go as you meditate.

2. Open. Be open to all avenues. I have several ways to get to work. Some are longer, some have more red lights and some are prettier rides. Mess up your ride today. Go a different route. Quit being on auto pilot. I bet you don’t even remember the last drive you took to work. Let go of the assumptions of what is around the next corner, what will happen if your daughter drops out of college, or if you call back that client you aren’t sure about? What if you let go of the fear of quitting your job. Be open to possibilities.

3. Paradigm. Some paradigms are meant to be broken. A paradigm is a set of rules in your head. Many of these paradigms are built on the back of ghosts. If you struggled for money as a child, your paradigm might be about making a million dollars being THE only sign of success. If you only notice that thin people are successful, you might think you can only find success once you are thin. If you had a bad relationship with someone who is Korean, you might think that your child is doomed if they date a Korean. If you don’t want to be attached to the outcome, examine your paradigms…they are likely built on the ghosts of the past.

4. Acceptance. Last week I had the pleasure of hearing Brene Brown speak on her inspiring new book “Daring Greatly”. As Brene pointed out, it’s amazing how we all spend so much time judging each other. I can be devastated by a friend looking me up and down and assume they are judging my clothing selection. I can lose sleep over the fact that my neighbors must be mortified by our uncut lawn. I can make my child change what they are wearing to hope that they are judged by the pink polka dot socks and the purple suspenders. As Brene pointed out, everyone is busy being self-conscious and worried about their own thoughts. So how would you be without that thought? Let it go and accept.

5. Enough. You are enough. Let go of the struggle. You are perfectly you and no one else is exactly as perfectly you. Don’t wait for the next raise, or to hit the lottery, to lose twenty pounds or to marry the guy with the Ferrari. You are enough right now and forever. If you can be enough…right now in this moment…you can be enough even when you fail. Be enough (because you already are).

I have to say that I’ve been working on this for several years. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you stick with it and reflect on your progress, you will evolve into that floating balloon and let the wind take you where it will…and oh what a ride!

7 Steps to Letting Go. Lessons From Having Surgery.

On January 5, 2014January 2, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

“Nothing to do. No where to go. Just be here now” – Stephen Cope

I had surgery on December 19th. I did not anticipate the struggle that would ensue. It turns out that I have a really hard time letting go. I am an obsessive pillow straightener (and I have a dog who loves to push them off every chair), I cannot have dirty dishes in the sink and I have been making dinner for my family since…well…I gave birth to my first child some 20 plus years ago. I am compelled to “be doing”. So imagine my surprise, when being released from the hospital, that the instructions from the doctor were, no housework for 4 weeks. I smirked. Sure. I can do that. Piece of cake. Eat bon bons and sit on the coach for 4 weeks. This is my dream. I’ve been waiting 20 years for this.

It has not been easy. In fact, I’ve over done…several times. I know that I have over done because I start to get dizzy, I feel weak, my incisions start to ache. So why? This is the dream of a lifetime to “let go”;let my children and husband wait on me. But flicking the switch to be the pampered is not easy. I hate to ask for another glass of water or for my husband to put my socks on. Like Sampson cutting his hair, I have had to let go of my strength. But, the magical thing is, that others have shined beyond my imagination.

So here are the lessons I’ve learned from letting go:

1. Agenda. I’ve had to let go of my agenda. I am now at the whim of everyone else’s schedule. If I wake up at 5 AM, well, so be it. I am stuck. If there is no one in the house awake at that hour, perhaps I need to roll over (if possible) and get another hour or two of sleep. Letting go means not having an agenda.

2. Hands off. So I guess I am more of a control freak than I realized. If my son is making dinner, I need him to fail or succeed on his own. I cannot step in and take over;because I physically can’t. I must say that some of the food that has been coming out my kitchen has been fabulous. Keeping my hands off has let my family’s culinary talents shine!

3. Small steps. I’ve learned that the smallest steps, are now, some of the greatest rewards. My daughter was in the hospital room the morning after the surgery. Walking to the bathroom was an enormous, if not insurmountable, task. She cheered me on. Unabashedly, literally, cheered me on. “You can do it, Mommy”. Her enthusiasm was infectious. The small steps count.

4. Patience. I am so patient with others but fail miserably with myself. I want to be doing, but after testing my limits by actually going to the grocery store 10 days after surgery (note to self, REALLY bad idea) I have learned that I need to be patient with my recovery. I am not the only one who can push a cart through a store and get out a debit card. Really. I am not the only one in a household of six who can do this. And, there is a point, in the not so distant future, where I will have the privilege (sarcasm) of grocery shopping again. Patience.

5. Accept. I learned to be accepting of other’s help. I’m not sure why this is so hard. I am surrounded by a loving household. Everyone has made me breakfast or lunch. Every over easy egg has been different (some seasoned, some not, some stiff, some runny) but they have all been prepared with love. I just needed to accept it. With love.

6. ~~Perfection.~~ I need to give up on the constant striving for perfection. So what if the dog barks to get in for 10 minutes because I’m the only one hearing her. So what if there are crumbs on the table from last night’s dinner. Who cares if you haven’t worked on your book for the last two weeks. I live with imperfection, no harm done. No harm, no foul.

7. Vulnerable. I’m learning that being vulnerable can enhance my relationships. My husband has had to do countless personal things for me, including drying me off from a shower and helping me dress. My daughter helped me in those first few trips to the bathroom in the hospital. These are the things I have been doing for myself since I was a toddler. I’ve learned to be vulnerable and found deeper connections with my family. They are there for me. No matter what. And that is wondrous.

So many folks have risen to the occasion to help me in my recuperation. Letting go has been difficult but the rewards have been incalculable. There are so many people in my life that were there for me, I just needed to let go to finally discover it.