Advice-Giving…the Ultimate Buzz Kill

On May 15, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator4 Comments

I think we all know this. Unconsciously. We’ve told our spouse how to load the dishwasher, our assistant how to set up the report, or told our teenage son how to drive a car. And then there is the eye roll….the exasperated sigh. Once you start giving the how – all engines shut down. Buzz. Kill.

If you think about it – where is the engagement, the decision making, the buy in; the flow in someone else telling you how? Dr. Srinivasan Pillay explains this in his book, Your Brain and Business. According to Dr. Pillay, “brain imaging shows that when advice is given, it ‘offloads’ the value of the decision options from the listener’s brain, so that there are no correlations between brain activation and attributed value when advice is given, as compared to when it is not given…that is, advice turns the brain of the listener ‘off.'”

Whoa. I need to rethink my next road trip with my 16 year old at the wheel. So if I tell him to “put both hands on the wheel” or “slow down”…this is shutting his brain down. Not a good thing.

I am the same way. I’ve had a coach tell me what goal I was working on for the next two weeks. I felt myself slide back on my heels…and I didn’t lift a finger towards the goal–not a finger.

OK. So how do I stop giving unwanted, unsolicited, mind-shutting-down advice?

These are the FOUR Not so Easy Steps:

1. Listen. This always the first step. Your spouse may just be venting about the frustrations of the day. They could really just want some understanding, or a comforting smile and nod, instead of you jumping in with a 25 step guide on how to fix their problem.

2. Ask. Use open-ended questions like “what do you want to do?” or “what options do you have?” Having the listener give you their ideas creates buy in and helps them brainstorm their own options. Guess which idea will have the most weight…yup…their idea.

3. Don’t Judge. Unless they are asking for feedback , don’t jump in and start giving them all your wisdom. If they ask for the feedback, give it constructively and sparingly.

4. Brainstorm. If it’s going nowhere and the listener can’t seem to decide or is requesting your wisdom…ask for permission to brainstorm. In brainstorming, there is no “how” or “wrong answer”…just throw out some off the wall ideas and see if the listener can glean their own answer or muddle their own idea from piecing together different ideas. Making them their own. Don’t take the lead. Or there will be no buy in, no finger lifting.

Doesn’t this make you wonder why “Dear Abby” was so popular for so many years? Did anyone ever really take her advice? Was the column there just for all of us armchair advice givers to live vicariously through Abby?

So help me out, what am I supposed to do with the 16 year old barreling down the road at 65 miles an hour ? How do I get through to him? I am asking for advice here. Really. Leave a comment. Some advice.

What my dog has taught me about leading others or….The Pink Jacket Story

On May 8, 2012May 8, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator14 Comments

Dogs are amazing at reflecting back what humans’ desire. Most of us treat our pets like they are part of the family but I think my dog, Baci, thinks that she is an employee and a damn good one. My relationship with her has taught me as much as any off site training or college course. Our relationship is simple and can guide you in your relationships at work.

1. Trust. Baci expects her meals to be timely and fair. She’s the first one to speak up if the kibbles are late to the bowl. My employees and customers expect the same when it comes to compensation, goods or services….better be on time and accurate or there will be attrition.

2. Appreciation. There isn’t a dog who doesn’t demand their belly scratched once, twice, countless times a day. Your coworkers, boss or client wants the same “scratch” but I doubt they are up front about asking for it. Show them appreciation….more frequently than they expect.

3. Dutiful. Baci has very clear duties at the Graham House….keep it free of all squirrels, geese and lizards. She does an outstanding job. I am confident that she is on duty no matter what. We haven’t had squirrels take up residence…so I know she is on top of her game. You should have the same confidence in those who surround you at work. It’s best to assume they have your best interest at heart. That they are looking out for you…if some squirrels move in…then clarify what your expectations are.

4. Perspective. Baci has a different lens. She views things from ground level. I might be cutting up raw beef on the kitchen counter or potting a plant. She doesn’t care except for whatever falls on the floor…and hopefully it’s the former. Your clients, cohorts and boss all have a different perspective and some are from the penthouse and others are in the basement. Make sure you know their perspective if you end up dropping something or having the last word.

5. Attention. I admit that I lose sight of Baci’s priorities when I’m in my office concentrating on work. Sometimes I get up from my desk to find her sprawled at my feet and surrounded by her army of toys. She has carefully brought each toy as a gift while I wasn’t paying attention. Are your direct reports doing the same? Showing up early, staying late…working extra hours on that overdo project…are you paying attention?

6. Needs. Baci is exasperating at times. She can’t decide if she wants in or out…to sit on my lap or my husband’s….upstairs or down. Are your clients fickle and difficult to figure out? Are they changing their minds and causing you frustration. They are taking the cue from your guidelines and how malleable you are (I give in more easily than my husband on letting Baci in or out). Are you meeting your clients’ needs or tuning them out?

7. Team player. I love to dress up Baci. And she is happy to oblige (ok…I’m not sure she’s happy). Whether it’s some Halloween monstrosity or a pink rain jacket that I happen to think is cute; she patiently shows up to be the team player; poses for pictures and moves on. I bet there are things your co-workers put up with…just cause you think it’s cute…or critical. Are you letting them put on that pink rain jacket once in a while?

Animals teach us humility, patience and appreciation. Maybe it’s time we apply those lessons to the human race.

What role does your pet play in your home?

I’m Right and I Want to Make Sure You Know It

On May 1, 2012April 26, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Uncategorized4 Comments

In the workplace, in sports and in relationships there is a high priority placed on who is right. I had the great pleasure of seeing Edward G. Hochuli speak last week at a conference. He is an NFL referee and has been for some 20 plus years. He studies the rules of the game everyday…all year. Yes; every. day. This is a guy who has to get it right or he’ll receive thousands of emails, bad press and public ridicule. How about you?

I think this illustrates the importance that is placed on rules and, in turn, who is right. The problem is this can be counterproductive in the workplace. Having the last word and being right has the potential to be really damaging to the relationships around you.

Think about it for a moment. Who was the last know it all that you enjoyed being around, or collaborating with, or, worst of all, reporting to. I’d like to suggest that maybe we should try to just let that ego attachment go. This can be quite a challenge especially for any of us baby boomers out there who had to line up for recess, cross the street at the cross walk and never raised their hand in class unless they were positive they had the right answer.

I think that Dale Carnegie got it right when, in his principles for “Win People to Your Way of Thinking”, he said “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” So you’re probably wondering how to you bite your tongue when our culture and workplace have placed such a high priority on being right?

Here are 5 ways to find peace and do that:

1. LISTEN. Figure out if there is something you can find agreement on. You might disagree with the direction of the project at hand but you might be able to agree that you’ve got the right team assembled and that you will not all agree but you all need to listen and respect others opinions. There must be that acknowledgement that you’re all trying to get to completion and benefit from the process

2. REFLECT. How important is it to put someone in their place? What will you gain from it in the end? What will this do to the value of your “stock”? In, other words, who else is going to want to work with you or value your opinion if you are constantly pointing out that you are right….and therefore, everyone else, is wrong.

3. PATIENCE. Is this the time and place to “put this person in their place”? If this is your direct report, a peer or, worse yet, your boss…think long and hard about how this might damage your relationship. At least find a more opportune time (i.e. less embarrassing) to sit down and listen to their reasoning and talk it out so that you come to a common understanding.

4. CHECK IN. What is your own ego saying to you? Are you really that dependant on being ” right to feel good…to have self respect? Is this the measure of your self worth? Do you really want to be known as that Right Person at the expense of all else?

5. SILENCE. It’s golden. In this world of bombarding news, marketing and media; sometimes silence is the most powerful message you can have and share with others. . Just keep your mouth shut.

Several of my coaching clients keep track of when they try to make a personal change. They will record every time they change their perspective on a situation and the way they changed their reaction. See if you can give up on the almighty rightness and find peace.

It’s good to ask yourself on a fairly regular basis – When was the last time you “fell on the sword” and let someone else be right?

My boss doesn’t listen to me…what now?

On April 22, 2012April 22, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator5 Comments

You probably consider yourself an excellent employee, student, contributor but there may be one area you’ve overlooked.

Listening is an art that starts with you. It’s ironic but actually true…be a good listener first and they will follow. I know this feels counter intuitive but if you ….yourself….just shut up and listen…I mean really listen… you will end up with followers. Lead by example. They’ll actually listen to you at some point.

We’ve all worked with the someone who constantly interrupts, who has to have the last word, who just can’t let a topic or, worse, an argument go. Don’t be that person. Be the listener.

Here are the 6 steps to being a better, active listener:

1. Seek first to understand. If you focus on understanding (instead of your rebuttal), you will be much more engaged with what your boss is saying.

2. Don’t drift. If you are thinking about your grocery list or if you forgot to record Modern Family; you.are.not.engaged.in.listening.

3. Let there be silence. It’s amazing how we all feel obligated to fill the space up with the sound of our voice. Let there be an awkward silence. There is power in silence and more importantly time to reflect and understand (refer to #1).

4. Reflect back. Ask questions to expound on your boss’ ideas. Seek clarity. Is there something you don’t understand? Do you really understand the rationale?

5. Check assumptions. It is amazing how quickly our mind works and how our internal dialogue will immediately jump to the worst case scenario. Like “yeah…this idea will never work. Last time we did this it was an epic fail”…meanwhile we are smiling and nodding. Check your assumptions to stop your internal dialogue from running its mouth; and killing the idea before it ever gets launched.

6. Don’t interrupt. If you are interrupting, you are not listening. You just put your agenda first. You just shut the other person down and basically said…”my idea is way better than yours so shut up”.

Full disclosure. I’ve been working on this for years and it’s not easy. It won’t happen overnight but if you keep this at the forefront with every interaction you have, you will improve and others, including your boss, will start to follow.

Do you have tips for better active listening? I’d love to hear what you have to say….leave a comment (and make sure you share).