Constantly Overwhelmed? Adrenaline Drag? 6 Steps to Making Easier Choices.

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The double edged sword of today’s society is that we have so much to choose from but we have so much to choose from. It can be overwhelming; Even selecting something as “simple” as peanut butter can end up being a 5 minute dilemma in the middle of the grocery isle. Hmmm. Extra chunky, chunky or smooth? Jif, Skippy, Peter Pan or store brand? Natural (are there really fake peanuts out there?), low sugar, low sodium? Extra-large container or individual travel size? And then there is the intended audience;my son likes the smooth stuff, I like the extra chunky and my husband doesn’t care.   And just to really mix it up, what if this is for a Thai recipe that calls for organic peanut butter? Maybe I should just buy one of each and head home before even thinking about jelly. I think we often actually do this, let ourselves feel defeated and default to the simplest solution. Feeling overwhelmed?

This is just one decision in a multitude of thousands that takes place in a grocery story every day. It can create or tap into feeling overwhelmed.

Think of all the marketing and/or product development professionals engage in trying to come up with a new candy bar, car or vacation destination to catch your attention.   It’s almost like they get paid to overwhelm you because, I guess, they do!

It’s their job to somehow convince you to “Try Me! Try Me!” In Barry Schwartz’s book, Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, he breaks folks down into two groups, Maximizers (a perfectionist who wants to look at every available option to make sure they make the absolute best choice) and Satisficers (people who will settle on something that meets a certain threshold). There is a quiz available to decide which way you lean with the following link by Nick Reese. Most of us probably already know which way you lean. But Schwartz claims that the Maximizers have a lot more anxiety and the Satisficers have less anxiety and perhaps are a bit happier and less overwhelmed.

So how do you step back from being overwhelmed and make decisions for quickly and painlessly? Here are some ideas:

1. Limit. Limit the decisions that you have to make. President Obama only has gray and blue suits. He’s not standing (I imagine) staring in his closet trying to figure out what he’s going to wear. I have five pairs of black slacks. I eat the same breakfast every week day. If you can limit the amount of choices, you save some gray matter for the more important decisions. If it’s not critical or life altering, eliminate the decision.

2. Criteria. Understand your criteria before making a decision. I’ve used this when coaching clients. Write down four or five criteria and then across the top of the page put the various options. So let’s take my decision for where to run my first marathon. Look at the criteria and options below with a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best) for each criterion:

Richmond Rock’n Roll Raleigh Disney World
Flat                2                    1                10
Fun                8                    7                10
First timer friendly                7                    8                10
Travel                5                    9                  1
Total                22                  25                  31

So based on my criteria, you can see what my decision was. You can do this with anything but because it takes a little bit of time, only use it on more important decisions. Set up your criteria.

4. Restrict Options. Whenever possible restrict the options you have. So if you want to decide which restaurant to go to, limit it by driving distance or type of cuisine or cost. I now realize why I would drive my family nuts by throwing out ten different restaurant option – sushi? pizza? steak? seafood? fast food? BBQ? Chinese? Peruvian? My children would roll their eyes and groan. If I had said, “Sushi or Pizza?”; everyone would have been so much happier. So when you can, restrict the options you are considering to reduce anxiety for everyone involved.

5. Let Go. Let go of perfection. I can assure you that your neighbors will never know that you spent 3 days of intense research to decide on the lawnmower you bought.   Agonizing over big ticket items can eventually cause regret. If perfection is the measuring stick you’re never going to get there, ever, really. The more features you research, the more regret you will have after the fact. If you let go and make a quick decision, the time is not vested, you’re not aware that you could have gotten three bells and whistles that you didn’t consider. Sometimes the less you know; the better. Let go.

6. Hangry. Don’t make decision (if you can help it) when hangry (hungry and angry).   My daughter can read my hangry radar instantly. “Mommy, are you hungry?” Grab a snack. When I am hungry, I am on edge, impulsive and not at my best. If you are a little sleep deprived, hungry, on edge from a meeting that didn’t go so well;wait to make a more weighty decision and never, ever, go to the grocery store hungry. You will buy half the candy and snack aisle – what’s wrong with a 2 pound bag of Peanut M&M’s and Junior Mints?   Your willpower and decision making power is limited so make sure you aren’t hangry.

There are things that need some research. College, careers, cars, health, homes and significant others come to mind. There may be more but some of these steps can work to reduce the options or at least reduce the “Buyer’s Remorse” that Maximizers tend to go through. Relax. Be clear on your criteria and limit the options. Escape the State of being Overwhelmed.

Your Kingdom, My Kingdom. Aren’t We All Sovereign?

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SOVEREIGN (noun)

a: one possessing or held to possess supreme political power or sovereignty

b: one that exercises supreme authority within a limited sphere

c: an acknowledged leader : arbiter

Each of us is sovereign.

I learned this concept from a great coach I know, Alysia Vrolyk. I think this is completely applicable to all sorts of areas of your life (and of course mine). It’s probably most applicable if you have a teenage son, are in a committed relationship, work with others or are a coach. So if you are a hermit? Not so much. But if you aren’t; pay attention. You have supreme power over you. I am the acknowledged leader of me. I can love you or lead you or teach you but it is only you who decides what to do with what I give you. Sovereign.  Sovereign

The best illustration or example of this is the first time a teenage child gets behind the wheel and drives off without any co-pilot…without their mom to tell them to slow down or turn the iPod down. It’s terrifying but true; they are now officially sovereign. Whether that car (and its contents) returns to the driveway is completely and utterly up to that child behind the wheel and all the other sovereigns out there on the road. I have to say I wish I had this concept when my kids were looking at colleges. It’s not up to me, or their guidance counselor or their best friend. The decision of what school is completely up to my sovereign child.

So how do you incorporate a little sovereignty into your life? Here are some tips:

  1. No meddling. Do not meddle in other sovereigns unless you are invited to a détente. So if I’ve started a new exercise regime and I think it would be an awesome idea if my significant other would do the same….stop. If I think the Vice President of Operations should make her whole crew work every weekend until the backlog is gone…stop.   If I think the client’s goal should be to get a promotion instead of feeling confident in their industry knowledge…stop. Respect the authority of others to make their own decisions. If you have not been invited to meddle, don’t.
  1. Detach from the outcome. I wrote recently that my daughter had to decide between three jobs. One of them would have left her in NYC and the other two brought her back home to North Carolina. I could not get attached to any outcome. All three jobs had their pros and cons but if I was excessively attached (like calling every day to find out how job prospect B was coming or constantly talking up prospect B), she would not have ultimately been able to make her own decision. I would have been way too invested in one outcome over another and…she would have resented my opinion   Detach from the outcome.
  1. The gift you bring is your presence. Just because they are their own sovereigns does not mean you can’t be present. In the anguishing weeks where my daughter had to decide where she wanted to be this Fall, we talked several times on the phone. I was present. I listened. She played through the scenarios. She made decisions. I was a sounding board. I wasn’t there to sell her on what I wanted. I was there to let her think things through. It’s the same with clients working through a dilemma. I am present and ask the questions that help them do their own best thinking. You don’t know what you don’t know until you know. Only a sovereign can know what they really want. Sit back and be present.
  1. No sweat. The great facilitator Paul McGinniss uses this phrase when modeling the coaching dialogue and the client hasn’t taken a step they planned. This happens all the time when a client doesn’t do the action they said they wanted to. They didn’t start… exercising, studying for the exam, standing up to their boss, having a meeting with their team. No sweat. Is it still important to you? What would make you feel like you are moving forward on this goal? They are their own sovereign. Let them decide the direction they want to go. You aren’t there for accountability; you are there for reflection and re-framing. Don’t sweat it.
  1. You need to respect your own sovereignty. Don’t lose yourself in giving your time and presence to others. Don’t change the borders of your sovereign just because your neighbor asks. This is not a time to let folks roll over you. Keep the moat filled, the drawbridge in working order and your crown shined up. Don’t diminish your own self-respect. It is great to respect someone else’s space as long as they don’t tread on yours. Keep your back bone and self-respect.

When you grant other’s sovereignty, it’s freeing. You are no longer trying to be a backseat driver for everyone else. You have control of your steering wheel; if someone else fails, let it be. They are on their journey and you are on yours. Accepting that everyone has their own sovereignty untangles the expectations so that we are free to make decisions for ourselves and no one else.

Hummingbird Wars. 5 Steps to Sharing Resources in Your Organization.

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Our hummingbird feeder was empty for a few days…er weeks. Once refilled, my husband and I have noticed this massive war going on over the feeder. And I do mean war: One bird dive bombing another, rapid retreats, eating while staying vigilant for the enemy, lonely patrols, even dogfights with pointed beaks. I have to say that having breakfast at the table while I watch these skirmishes going on outside the window has become quite stressful. What is crazy is that there is PLENTY of nectar in the feeder to go around and three separate perches by which to partake.   There is more than enough to go around, plenty for all. Hummingbird Wars

This reminds me of some organizations that I have worked for in the past. There are loads of resources, including the human kind, but everyone is running around drawing up battle lines. I can remember an executive who suggested we share a few admins. Cross train a few folks across departments so that we could cover illnesses, lunch breaks and vacations more easily. No one liked it. Silence. Everyone wanted to make sure their team stayed with their team and not cross to the “other side”. Let’s have four humans where, if we could cross train and utilize them more efficiently, we could use two.   It’s like that hummingbird guarding the feeder. It’s mine…ALL mine even though he doesn’t need all those resources.

So how do you get folks to share the nectar? Here are some ideas:

1. Benefits. Clearly state the benefits for all. Email it. Have a meeting. Have a round table. Have a family meeting. Get the information out there. There’s more than enough nectar in the feeder and we can all get our sip. If we all wait our turn we will reduce costs, have less turnover and build trust. Explain the rationale so that everyone can understand (I’m not saying they will all get on board immediately) but it’s a little easier to swallow the new “stapler sharing policy” if they understand the potential benefits. Communicate the benefits; for the group as well as the individuals.

2. Sounding Board. Make sure there is a sounding board for dissenting views. This is where it gets uncomfortable. “But hey…Cath…I don’t want to hear dissenting views…I want them all to smile and nod.” Sorry. If you want folks to buy into the new procedure, you are going to have to hear them out. They might have a good point. Or some irrational fear that needs to be addressed. I know those hummingbirds must have some irrational fear. I’m not saying that there are good soldiers out there that will happily (er…grudgingly) comply with the new “stapler sharing policy” but the new plan will have a much better chance of success if you hear them out through a sounding board.

3. Address. Make sure you address the concerns before moving forward.   There is nothing worse than asking the folks at large for some feedback and then not responding. So many organizations have one way communication and it’s all down. Nothing is permitted to bubble up. When I used to work in the tortilla manufacturing business, I used to say that no one knows the issues with packing tortillas better than the ladies (yes, it was 100% female) who pack the tortillas. If you spend all day packing tortillas you have much better ideas on how to fix quality or productivity issues than any engineer. So make sure you address the humans concerns. And, just as with the sounding board make sure you’re not just nodding and listening. If there are good ideas, incorporate them into the plan.

4. Re-engineer. Take the feedback and re-engineer the process, procedure or new policy. Information that bubbles up from the folks with their hands on the tortillas. I remember walking out on the production floor and you would see one line that had a stack of tortillas several feet high. All you had to do was ask the now small crowd of ladies what was wrong. They always knew exactly what was wrong…the temperature on the press was too high, the masa was too moist, the operator (on the other end of the line) was new. I can assure you that calling an engineer in Dallas was not going to fix our growing mountain of tortillas as fast as asking the folks up to their elbows in them. Take the feedback, the ideas, the concerns, the irrational fears and address them in the re-engineering effort.

5. Roll. Roll with it. After re-engineering it, roll it out. Make the decision. Pull the switch. There is nothing worse than saying you are rolling out a new process and then letting it languish; especially if you have received some poor feedback. Obviously, if the new procedure now seems obsolete like say a new “stapler sharing policy” when the folks point out that we are paperless now and there is no need to share staplers. Make sure that you communicate that the department or company has abandoned the plan because “we heard you”. This is what builds trust in an organization. When the bosses communicate, listen and then make a decision based on feedback from the folks with their boots on the ground the culture changes and trust is built. Roll with it or pull the plug….just make sure you communicate it.

I think the biggest issue with companies is one way communication. I know it can be difficult if whoever you report to is the main culprit but if you supervise other folks or lead a team or parent? It all starts with you. Set the example. It will have ripple effects and the trust will grow.

The Butterfly Effect. One Small Change Can Have an Impact. The Ripple of a Wing

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

In case you are not familiar, the Butterfly Effect was coined by Edward Lorenz when he found that while trying to predict a hurricane’s path; he inadvertently rounded the decimal on a weather model and the outcome was vastly different than it would have been otherwise. This became termed chaos theory and equates with outcomes being influenced by minor fluctuations such as the flapping of wings of a distant butterfly at an earlier time, affecting current occurrences. This eventually turned into “if a butterfly flaps it’s wings in Brazil it could set off a tornado in Texas.” I prefer to think that the flip side of this is that if a small change is made by one person, the impact could potentially change a community and be like a wave gathering strength. Butterfly Effect

I have a client who is training for an ultra-marathon (any distance over 26.2 miles). For the last year he has been running and biking in his neighborhood, sometimes by himself and at other times with his young daughter. In the last month or so he’s begun to notice that there are a lot more folks who are either running, walking or riding bikes. In addition, people he doesn’t even know have been coming up to him and saying, “Oh you are that guy that runs”. Small change. Big impact. There’s no way to know if he’s the cause of the increase in exercise in his neighborhood but it seems like it might be and it sure didn’t hurt.

So how can you have an resounding impact? What butterfly are you? Here are some ideas:

  1. More. Always, always, always phrase whatever change you want to make as doing “more” of something.   It’s just easier to measure doing more of something rather than less of something. So if you want to lose weight, say to yourself that you want to be more physically fit. If you want to be less shy, say to yourself that you want to be more self-assured. It’s the same thing when you are reprimanding an employee or writing a performance evaluation, phrase it in a way where it’s more. Like, “Suzy could be more accurate (instead of less sloppy)”. Suzy can then measure her effectiveness by being 99% accurate (instead of less than 5 errors). Always phrase it in terms of being/doing more.
  1. The 20 Second Rule. Have whatever change you want to make be just 20 seconds away (or less). Shawn Achor wrote about this in “The Happiness Advantage”. All my running garb is in the same location and is twenty seconds away from my sink where I brush my teeth. I know I’m going to brush my teeth when I wake up, so it’s easy for me to put on my running stuff first thing in the morning and start running; no excuses. Make a path of least resistance. If you need to get that expense report done, put it on your chair so it’s the first thing you see when you come into work. Leave the document you are working on open on your desk top so that it is visually the first thing before you start any other project. Follow the 20 second rule.
  1. Small. Start small. I recently started doing Yoga again. I knew if I did more than ten minutes the first time out, I would be way to sore and dejected to want to go back and do it a second time. This is true with anything. When I first started writing this blog, I would write for maybe 10 or 15 minutes at a time. I would never finish it in that time but if I spread it over several days, it was wasn’t a drag and, more importantly, it didn’t seem to be as overwhelming as “I want to write a blog post once a week for ten years”. When I start a new training, I just put an outline together for 15 minutes and then move on to something else. Easy peasy.   Take a very, very small step; incremental steps will get you to the same place.
  1. Confederate. Find yourself a confederate. In the book “Change Anything”, they talk about having a source of social motivation. If you want to run a 5k find someone else who wants to run one as well. If you want to save more money, find an accountability partner who wants to save as well.   If you want to start your business, join a group of like-minded folks who will support you (especially when things get tough). This is the point of having an accomplice, they lift you up when there are bumps in the road and there will be bumps (if not potholes) in the road. A confederate will keep you on track.
  1. Plan. Make a plan. When I ran my half marathon last year, I had my runs planned out for the entire 4 months leading up to the race. I know I need to have my blog post written before Saturday so that I can get it to my “Brain Trust” for feedback and edits. It’s a habit. It didn’t start off as one. This can be phrased anyway you like. “The day starts at 4:30 AM”. “Exercise 3 times a week (at least once in the morning)”. “Study for 30 minutes a night”. “Spend 15 minutes cleaning the top shelf”. These are all actual action items from different clients.   They all phrased it in a way that meant something to them. But they all had a plan.

I spend maybe an hour a week on this blog and most of the time it’s completely out of my mind. But then I run into someone at a party and they say, “I love your blog”.   I may not see the end result but it’s having an impact somewhere for someone. In fact, I know someone who signed up for a half marathon and ran it, after my post on crossing the finish line. There is an impact.   You may not see it. So just like that butterfly in Brazil, you just need to start flapping your wings.

Embrace Uncertainty. It’s the New Black.

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We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. – Blaise Pascal

Jim Collins is the culprit of a concept; The BHAG [Big Hairy Audacious Goal]. It is the setting of a huge gnarly goal that is set ten or twenty years down the road…and, in theory, the entire company is expected to start paddling in the same direction toward it It turns out, that’s not the best approach.

According to Oliver Burkeman, in his book, The Antidote, “We tend to imagine that the special skill of an entrepreneur lies in having a powerfully original idea and then fighting to turn that vision into reality.” But in a relevant study, entrepreneurs rarely bore this out. Their long-term goal often remained a mystery to them. Overwhelmingly, a goals first approach in one direction was not the ultimate approach taken. I have to say this is quite a relief. I don’t necessarily need to know what my business should look like in 15 years. In fact, I think having a grandiose goal can make you start seeing myopically and suddenly you don’t realize that you are rowing towards a waterfall because you haven’t noticed the current.

A brilliant example in Oliver Burkeman’s book is the fateful day in May of 1996 when 8 climbers perished heading to the summit of Mount Everest. Burkeman posits that the deaths were not due to a storm on the mountain but that 34 climbers from three different groups, American, New Zealand and Taiwan were all headed to the summit at the same time. This caused a bottleneck on Hillary Step which was later referred to as “The Traffic Jam”. Three different parties were headed to the summit and had not arrived at the summit by 2 PM which is the ABSOLUTE latest you need to arrive at the summit before turning around and heading back down. There were climbers headed to the summit well after 3 PM. No one wanted to turn around and fail to achieve their BHAG. They had Summit Fever and eight of them paid with their lives.uncertainty is the new black

So what are we supposed to do? How can we achieve with a manageable perspective? Here are some ideas:

1. Embrace. Embrace uncertainty. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. So much of fear and anxiety is based on uncertainty. But guess what…there is only uncertainty. The more you strive to keep things constant, comfortable, certain, the more uncomfortable you will become; because you will ultimately enforce chaos. You cannot control the future. Even if you happen to be Warren Buffet or Bill Gates. There is no one with their finger on the switch. Businesses fail, accidents happen and deadlines get missed. Stuff happens and it’s not going to stop. Embrace it.

2. Horizon. Make sure you reign in your horizons. I heard an interesting speaker last week and he was pointing out that just some three years ago companies were making 5 year strategic plans…now it’s 6 months. No one can predict what will happen in 12 months let alone 5 years. Forward thinking innovative companies have given up on the 5 or 3 year strategic plan, there are just too many variables in the environment (i.e. innovation, hurricanes, terrorism, etc.) There is no crystal ball. Get through this quarter. Finish the semester. Run the first mile of the marathon. Shorten your horizon.

3. Correct. Make course corrections. Let go of the perfectionism that you planned on paying off your credit cards by 8/1 but you just needed to buy a new transmission. Move it out to 9/1…or 10/1. It’s OK. This happens with clients I coach all the time. In fact, I think every client I have ever coached has had to change something about their goals whether it was the date they wanted it complete, how they were measuring success or if the goal was even reasonable with the current economy. A sailboat doesn’t sail in a straight line, it criss crosses the water finding the most advantageous wind and finally ends up at its destination. Be open to course corrections.

4. Worst Case. What is the worst case scenario? Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to be optimistic that we fail to look at the worst case scenario. In the case of Mount Everest, obviously, death became an option. It’s healthy to look at the worst outcome, if at least, to allay your fears. So if you are giving a presentation, perhaps the worst that can happen is that the audience laughs at you and you are embarrassed. Painful but not life threatening. You fall short on revenue, so you need to dig into your savings. You don’t get your first choice job (or college, car, house, partner) there is always another option. Examining what can go wrong will help you move forward, forewarned and forearmed. Look at the worst case.

5. Goal Odyssey. Burkeman suggests that everyone on the mountain that fateful day was focusing their resources on the goal much like Homer in the Odyssey. There was no turning back, and every resource was used to achieve the goal. Leaders need to be open to information that runs counter to the end result. If we have an audacious goal for revenue but we have high turnover (employees leaving) or poor customer service ratings…we need to take a second look at the goal. We have to be open to changing the end result based on the feedback we get along the way. This also means we need to be open to feedback. If everyone is smiling and nodding…you probably aren’t receiving all the information you need. Make sure you have someone (spouse, assistant or co-worker) who is willing to speak up and let you know there aren’t enough oxygen bottles to make it to the top and back. Give up the goal odyssey.

6. Outcome. You need to let go of the outcome. My daughter has been in the middle of three different directions in her career this week. Two options involve moving back to North Carolina. The third involves staying in New York City in a job that is completely in alignment with her career goals. I have been struggling with uncertainty and letting go of the outcome for the last ten days. She, on the other hand, is completely open and flexible. The anticipation of the outcome is unbearable. I just need to sit back and let it happen. Whatever “it” is. Let it go. What will be will be. Let go of the outcome.

I’ve worked with leaders who were completely inflexible on the revenue or the cost of goods sold target. One of the caveats of any SMART goal is the “A” for attainable. If there are changes in the environment that make the goal unattainable…change it. There is nothing more demoralizing than not being able to attain the yearlong goal you are working on. It’s not motivating folks, it’s destroying their morale. Embrace uncertainty. It’s the new black.

6 Ways to Change Your Story. What Book Are YOU Writing?

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You are the author of your life – Chalmers Brothers

I recently heard Chalmers Brothers speak about his book Language and the Pursuit of Happiness. The way we observe ourselves dictates how we live as well as our perception of the world. Something else Chalmers said was that the “explanation is not equal to the event”. The USA loses to Belgium in the World Cup. That is the event. My explanation might be, “But they made it to the group of 16”. Your explanation might be that Tim Howard (the goalie with a record 16 saves) is the only worthwhile player on the team. A Belgian’s explanation might be that it was preordained. Same event, different explanations and obviously, different perceptions.

We can get so blinded by our perspective, that if we never question our beliefs, we start to confuse it with reality. Let that sink in for a minute; we confuse it with reality. I can remember when I was a restaurant owner some twenty years ago. The brothers that sold me the restaurant, wanted to sell me another. I did some number crunching and figured that at the pace the sales were dropping there was no way to make a profit. When I went back to the brother’s to explain this, they were dumbfounded. They had for some 20 years run a profitable restaurant chain; never in their wildest dreams did they ever predict that sales would go down instead of up. This idea was WAY out of their paradigm. Well, of course, after about a year, their last remaining restaurant eventually failed. The story they were writing was not equal to the event.

So how do you improve your explanation…or change the way you write your story? Here are some ideas:

1. Language. Think about the language you use. I recently had a client who said “Fat people can’t wear stripes” referring to himself. I said “I’m curious about fat, tell me more?” Him, “Hmmm. That was mean. I wouldn’t call anyone else fat.” Me, “How does it make you feel?” Him, “Horrible”. Think about your self-talk. What language are you using? If you wouldn’t call your assistant, boss or spouse – lazy, stupid, dumb or ugly, maybe it’s time to switch up the language you use.

2. Observer. Be the observer. An executive I coached last year had a huge breakthrough when he realized that he had to be the observer when it came to conflict. So if he was pushing back on a deadline at work or negotiating on a car, he was much more effective if he could mentally take a step back and observe. It helped him disconnect from his primal reaction of fight or flight. When he was the observer he was less tied to explanation of the event. He could listen, observe and detach. Stand outside of yourself and observe the landscape. You will soon have a totally different perspective that may serve you better.

3. Grand Illusion. Chalmers posits that we all think that everyone else sees events from the same perspective; as he calls it – “the Grand Illusion”. I have experienced this in many of the companies I’ve worked for. We roll out the new plan and expect immediate buy-in because the higher-ups think that the entire company sees their perspective i.e. the potential results; whether they be long-term or short. In their eyes the rationale and long term benefits from the new plan are self-evident. Quite often, they are not. Most employees see any change in the organization as a bad thing and frequently jump to the conclusion that their job is potentially at stake. Don’t assume everyone sees the event from the same perspective; it’s nothing but an illusion, the Grand Illusion.

4. Serving. Is your thought serving you to the end result you want? If you are interviewing for a new job and go in with the thought that you’ll never get this job….uh…well…you probably won’t. If you present the new initiative to your boss with the attitude that you will succeed; odds are you will. I’ve seen so many folks go into an exam and when asked, “Do you think you will pass?” They answer, “I’m not sure; probably not.” It’s the old adage, expect the worst and hope for the best. You don’t want to be overly confident because – What? You might actually succeed? It is easier to explain failure this way. “Yeah, I knew I would never pass”. Think about how your thoughts are not serving you and the results you want.

5. Listening. Chalmers says that listening is not hearing. I get caught up on this one frequently. I can ask my son a question like, “When are you going to Charleston?” and then forget about listening to the response. I can hear him just fine but I’m not registering the answer. Most likely my phone just went off with some kind of notification that 99% of the time is meaningless. I frequently listen to audio books and there may be some passage that sends my thoughts off in a different direction like…sleep is important…yeah I need to get more sleep…I’ll tell you who needs more sleep is my son…maybe I should get him to listen to this book…forget it, he won’t…he never listens to me…uh…what was that last passage? …was it something important….should I back it up…wait I’m driving that’s not a good idea…that causes accidents…I don’t want to be a statistic…sheesh…did they just say something about REM sleep….and so on. It can be difficult to pay attention with a ticker tape going off in your head. Stop the distractions. Turn off the phone, or the radio, or your computer monitor and be present. What’s more important here…when your son leaves for Charleston or a Facebook notification….I thought so. No one ever says hear up…it’s listen up.

6. Shift. Look for paradigm shifts. Look for opposing viewpoints. My father has always famously said he went to Korea a Democrat and came back a Republican. I’m not suggesting you enlist in the army or travel to Korea but you can seek out different sources. Different explanations. Test your beliefs. When you have an array of explanations available it’s much easier to not be as tied to the interpretation. If you disagree with the direction the Accounting department is going, go ask some questions that will prove you wrong. “Can you tell me again what the advantages are of the new XYZ system? And how much time is this going to cut from Month-End?” Look for the shift. Every good book has a shift. The hero finally decides to take on the dragon. So what shift do you need to make to challenge your beliefs?

So imagine the book you are authoring. Is it an adventure? Is it a drama? Or a comedy? The amazing thing is that you are holding the pen. You get to create whatever you want so choose wisely.

6 Ways to Build Culture. The Third Entity™.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

The Third Entity™ is concept developed by The Center for Right Relationship (CRR Global) to describe the relationship that connects us but essentially has an existence of its own. In an organization it’s called culture. If the founder leaves the organization, the culture (and Third Entity) change. This phenomenon isn’t isolated to corporations.

The same thing happens at home when my husband and I have had an empty nest for 6 months and suddenly have it disrupted by having an 18 year old at home. The Third Entity shifts. The relationship has more of a strain because there are more needs to be met (and more food to be purchased) and boundaries tested (dishes being washed at 3 AM). The Third Entity

I had the privilege to test out the Third Entity of my Rotary club a few weeks ago. I say, test out, because I had never used some of the tools that I learned from CRR Global until I used my Rotary Club as guinea pigs. I have to say it was an eye opening and inspiring experience. I’ve been a Rotary member for over 10 years but to actually work with this group to discuss our culture and aspirations was really gratifying. You just don’t know until you know.

So this is what I learned about the group culture that ties us together:

1. Alliance. It’s really important to clarify the team alliance. When was the last time you verbalized what your marriage or culture or relationship is all about. What is the basis for its existence. I asked the club what sort of culture they wanted to create and the first thing that anyone said was “Fun”. I have to say it’s one of the main reasons I enjoy getting up every Wednesday for a 7 AM (yes…7 AM) meeting; we always have fun. Always. There is always good natured ribbing, crazy birthday hats and a joke that’s just clean enough to tell but raises a few eyebrows. Clarify your team alliance.

2. Flourish. What will it take for your team or relationship to flourish? I was surprised that there were many viewpoints on this question. Some folks said we needed more members, others said more fundraisers, and still others said more participation. These are all very different tangents for a small club of some 30 members. When is the last time you asked your spouse or partner or organization at-large what it will take to flourish? I think you would be surprised at the answer. It might be time to ask.

3. Conflict. Find out how you want to handle conflict. As in Patrick Lencioni‘s book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, “All great relationships, the ones that last over time, require productive conflict in order to grow. This is true in marriage, parenthood, friendship, and certainly business.” If you can’t debate and raise some of the “Elephant in the Room” issues, it is impossible to progress. If you are surrounded by a lot of “Yes Men”…you are not likely to be making the best decisions. Create some ground rules on how to handle conflict and to make sure it’s not taboo.

4. Alignment. It’s not critical that we are in lock step as much as that we are headed in the same direction. You and I don’t need to be on the same exact path for us to succeed but we need to be in alignment. Marketing and Operations are going to take very different paths but if they know and are aligned with the overarching goal of “Outstanding Customer Experience” then we can succeed. Marketing might be creating authentic marketing collateral while Operations is making sure the quality and delivery times are superior. Different paths but aligned to the goal. Be aligned.

5. Listen. We need to be able to listen to dissenting voices. Some of the Rotarians wanted more members and others joined because we were a small group. These are dissenting views. But it had to be spoken. It needed to be acknowledged. This shows up all the time in parenting. Dad wants Johnny to go to the concert and Mom doesn’t. Let it be spoken so both sides can be heard. Listen to the dissenting view even if you don’t agree. Acknowledge the differing viewpoint. “So I hear you saying that Johnny shouldn’t go because there are likely to be drugs present”. Listen to dissenting views.

6. Decisive. Someone needs to make a decision; whether it’s the president of the Rotary club, the parent or the department head. Are we after more members or are we going to let it be? Dad acknowledges Mom’s apprehensions but they decide to say “Yes”. Decide and commit to move forward. If you don’t, there are back alley deals that will go on which will undermine the Third Entity. As Patrick Lencioni espouses, “Great teams understand the danger of seeking consensus, and find ways to achieve buy-in even when complete agreement is impossible.” Give up on consensus, make sure everyone has had their say, decide, commit and move on.

I think what surprised me the most about coming up with the team alliance with my Rotary Club is how much we were of the same mind. Here is a diverse group of professionals from varied fields, industries and backgrounds but we all had the same ideals. Service above Self. It’s the team culture that holds us together.

Let Them Fail. 4 Lessons From Baking With My Son.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I have strived my entire adult life to try to not be a helicopter mom. I have never been on the PTA or chaperoned a dance. What I have done is to show up for every soccer game and have often driven 2 1/2 hours to see my son wrestle for all of 6 minutes. I’ve never done my kid’s homework or projects but I have gone to Target at 9 PM to buy Elmer’s glue or poster board for a school project due the next day. I always tried to be present but not takeover. The thought being “I’m here for you but I’m not doing the heavy lifting for you.”

I have never had a set of “water wings” on either of my kids when they were toddlers. I believed that having a pair of inflatable life preservers on each arm would give them a false sense of security. So, they learned early that they would sink if they couldn’t swim. Both could hold their breath underwater before the age of two. They have done their own laundry, dishes and cooked family meals before they were out of elementary school. So, I guess I’m not the doting Mom but they knew they could count on me to show up for a Marching Band competition.

So, I’m trying to understand what happened this weekend when my son was baking a cake called Baba au Rhum. It’s a pretty intricate cake that involves separating eggs, whipping and folding…careful and precise execution. He asked for advice when he was about a third of the way through. The “batter” looked more like gravel. The culinary master in me took over and suddenly, I was taking over the production. My son stopped, looked at me intently and said….”Stop. Let me fail”. Wow. I was thunderstruck . Profound words from an 18 year old. Step away from the mixing bowl and go back to the couch Mommy.Let them fail.

As much as this seems completely counter intuitive to parenting, here is the value of letting your kids fail:

1. Tea. They find out if it’s not their cup of tea. Here is just a short list of activities that my children have engaged in and will not be seeking to turn “pro” in anytime soon: soccer, football, volleyball, basketball, Alto Saxophone, Tenor Saxophone, waterpolo, lacrosse, ballet, tether ball, four square, Oboe, jazz band, marching band, musicals, symphony, samba, salsa, wrestling, long jump, triple jump, shot put, waterskiing, tubing, and Guitar Hero. Some of these activities were very enjoyable, some painful, but at least they got to try them on for size. Let your kids figure out what kind of tea they like.

2. Fast. In “The Confidence Code” by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, they suggest failing fast and often. What? Part of this is due to women, in particular, wanting to be perfectionists. So you end up investing WAY too much time in something and constantly trying to make it perfect. If you fail fast, you can let go of the perfectionism and learn how to cope instead of ruminating about it. They end up facing and conquering the fear of even starting. As a parent (or boss, or spouse), I need to let go of the perfectionism as well. If your son decides he’s not a basketball player cause he’s played it since 4th grade and he’s done with it; Let it go. On to the next experiment (which in his case was wrestling and he ended up going all the way to the state championship his Senior year of high school). Let your kids (or direct reports) fail fast.

3. Outcome. As a parent, I need to let go of the outcome. It’s like the Baba au Rhum my son was baking. If it’s not perfect…so what? Is it going to kill him? No. Will it ruin his chances of ever winning the Bocuse d’Or? Possibly. Maybe we end up wasting $10 in flour, eggs and butter. I have always learned more from dishes I have failed at as opposed to those which were a big success. An undercooked loaf of bread is nasty and rare tri tip cut on the wrong angle (not against the grain) is impossible to chew. Just because you might be underwriting the baking adventure doesn’t mean you can’t let him fail. As it turns out the cake received rave reviews from all who sampled. Let go of the outcome.

4. Wings. Letting your kids fail gives them wings. I remember when my daughter gave up swimming as a sport. I wanted so badly for her to swim because it had been MY sport in high school. If I had insisted that she continue to swim she may not have taken up the clarinet and she would have resented my meddling. More importantly, her heart would not have been in it. If she had never taken up the clarinet she never would have explored all the roads associated with music including stunning duets, theater and her love of film. Letting her make the decision is what’s important. As Shakespeare said “To Thine Own Self Be True”. How is she going to find her wings if I’m telling her what to wear and what to do? Let them fly.

My children are not perfect and there have been more than an occasional misstep along the way into adulthood. A dead car battery, a call from the principal’s office and more than one $5 atm charge to get twenty dollars cash. As long as they learn something from every bump or failure and, most importantly, I don’t clean up the mess for them, I think they (and any baked goods) will turn out just fine. Failure is the starting point for resilience…so let them fail.

Bon Appetit!

Got Horsepower? Found Mine With A Horse Named Lollipop.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I had the great privilege to work with Renee Sievert and Michele Woodward at an Equus Coaching outing (a methodology created by Koelle Simpson) a few weeks back in the hills of Northern Virginia. Equus Coaching involves interacting one on one with a horse and, through that experience, have a better understanding of yourself and how you “show up” in the world. I thought I was going to be learning about horses but the horse held up a mirror to me.

My past experience with horses had been at camp when I was about 8 and a few trail rides. I always felt disconnected to horses. I felt like they were leading me and I had little to do in directing the path. I was just the terrified kid bobbing on top hoping we ended up at the end of the trail in one piece. I am happy to report that the Equus experience brought about a new appreciation for horses and a new self-awareness.

Rusty on the move.
Rusty on the move.

This is what I learned from my teachers, Lollipop and Rusty:

1. Attention. I love to be the center of attention. Lollipop came right over to me as I went into the round pen. He is a smaller, younger horse and he made a b-line for me. I had ten minutes to spend with him, and I think I would have been happy just petting him the entire time. I realize now, it’s one of the reasons I adore my dog, Baci, because she will follow me around the house and lay at my feet wherever I land. I feel a bit guilty, but I love the attention.

2. Intention. I need to be clear in my intention. Renee initially modeled how to lead a horse in the round pen. She stood alone in the pen with Coco (a horse she had never worked with) and through focus, attention and directed arm movements, Coco magically moved in a circle around the pen. No harness. No whistling. No strings. It was amazing (I had goosebumps). By just telegraphing her intention to the horse, she got her to move wherever and whenever she wanted. You have to know what you want to get done so if you want to be the world’s best purple squirrel catcher, set your intention and get started. Be clear in your intention.

3. Focus. I can’t lose my focus. I was amazed that I was able to move Lollipop in the same way around the pen that Renee had moved Coco. I focused in, moved my arms and he followed my intention and focus. Pretty soon he was galloping around the pen in a circle….magic….but….I lost focus. The very second I took my eye off of Lollipop, he came over to me like a moth to a flame. I lost my focus and Lollipop came back to me to find it again. This shows up everywhere in my life: unfinished books, deserted projects, languishing relationships. Stay focused.

4. Sync Up. When you are working in a group, sync up. This is going to sound crazy (cause I thought it was crazy) but I was on a team of three women that had to herd a handsome, albeit obstinate horse named Rusty without communicating using the most obvious of skills, spoken language. Using hand jesters, hope and a little bit of grit, we had to decide where we wanted Rusty to go and then go make it happen. In the end, Rusty didn’t do exactly as we expected but that was largely due to the fact that all three of us had slightly different agendas. Where does this show up for you? Did your assistant put in too much detail maybe because you didn’t communicate your expectations? If all three team members are on even the slightest different tangent, the horse does not know where to go. Sync up your team.

5. Power. I need to find my power. At one point, when we were trying to move Rusty, he stood there; and.would.not.budge. My teammate tried and then she motioned me over. I went over and got behind Rusty. I started slapping a rope against my leg. He.would.not.budge. Ugh. I was getting frustrated. I was going to move this horse. I summoned my power. My energy. I put it into my entire body and slapped the rope against my leg with full force, intention and focus. Magic. Rusty started to move. I stayed on him focusing all my intent and energy forward. He moved. I moved a 2,000 pound beast by finding my power. You cannot phone it in. If you want to move mountains, you need to find your power; FIRST.

It’s amazing how much Nature can teach us if we just pay attention to the lessons. Having a facilitator like Renee was really enlightening. She was constantly observing and saying things like “what’s your body saying to the horse?” or “where is your focus?” Think about how you show up in the world and how you are being observed. Pay attention. You can change more than you think you can.

Untether The Balloon. 5 Ways To Detach From The Outcome.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve just spent a few days on the West Coast and met up with a great college friend. We spent a lot of time talking about “Not being attached to the outcome.” She shared an example of a conference she attended where, a group of 30 had to divide into three learning groups. There was no guidance as to how the groups needed to be put together but that everyone in the group had to agree with the makeup of the group. That’s a tall order. She said they spent two days trying to divide up the groups. She was tracking certain folks she wanted to be with, but the turning point for her was letting go and not being attached to the outcome. She ended up in a group sans any of the folks she was tracking but it still proved to be a great group. Letting go of the outcome let her be open to other possibilities.

I was coaching a client this week who wasn’t sure they wanted to do an Ultra Marathon (over 26.2 miles). So I asked what the worst case scenario was and he said a, “To not finish.” I asked, “What is so bad about that?” He said ” Well, I guess I could try again, especially if it’s an injury”. Exactly. We don’t need to be so tied to the outcome….it is…what it is. Let the balloon go and let it float away.  Let. It. Go. red_balloon_by_snnr

So how do we let go, become untethered from the outcome? Here are some steps to try on for size:

1. Meditation. This seems appropriate since non-attachment has its roots in Buddhism. Spending even five or ten minutes on mediation each day helps you to let go of thought. It’s not like you stop thinking, but you learn to let go of thoughts as they come into your mind for ten minutes like little balloons lifting off. It helps you learn to let go of the story. Let the story balloons go as you meditate.

2. Open. Be open to all avenues. I have several ways to get to work. Some are longer, some have more red lights and some are prettier rides. Mess up your ride today. Go a different route. Quit being on auto pilot. I bet you don’t even remember the last drive you took to work. Let go of the assumptions of what is around the next corner, what will happen if your daughter drops out of college, or if you call back that client you aren’t sure about? What if you let go of the fear of quitting your job. Be open to possibilities.

3. Paradigm. Some paradigms are meant to be broken. A paradigm is a set of rules in your head. Many of these paradigms are built on the back of ghosts. If you struggled for money as a child, your paradigm might be about making a million dollars being THE only sign of success. If you only notice that thin people are successful, you might think you can only find success once you are thin. If you had a bad relationship with someone who is Korean, you might think that your child is doomed if they date a Korean. If you don’t want to be attached to the outcome, examine your paradigms…they are likely built on the ghosts of the past.

4. Acceptance. Last week I had the pleasure of hearing Brene Brown speak on her inspiring new book “Daring Greatly”. As Brene pointed out, it’s amazing how we all spend so much time judging each other. I can be devastated by a friend looking me up and down and assume they are judging my clothing selection. I can lose sleep over the fact that my neighbors must be mortified by our uncut lawn. I can make my child change what they are wearing to hope that they are judged by the pink polka dot socks and the purple suspenders. As Brene pointed out, everyone is busy being self-conscious and worried about their own thoughts. So how would you be without that thought? Let it go and accept.

5. Enough. You are enough. Let go of the struggle. You are perfectly you and no one else is exactly as perfectly you. Don’t wait for the next raise, or to hit the lottery, to lose twenty pounds or to marry the guy with the Ferrari. You are enough right now and forever. If you can be enough…right now in this moment…you can be enough even when you fail. Be enough (because you already are).

I have to say that I’ve been working on this for several years. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you stick with it and reflect on your progress, you will evolve into that floating balloon and let the wind take you where it will…and oh what a ride!