Good Enough

Good Enough IS Perfect. 5 Ways to Get Off the Perfection Treadmill.

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Sometimes there is this feeling that you are settling when something is good enough. Like you left some money on the table or you aren’t trying to be an over achiever. But it turns out that good enough will make you happier, satisfied, and content. In Tal Ben-Shahar‘s book, Pursuit of Perfect, there is a big price to pay for the constant striving for perfection. The author paid the price while attending Harvard. Anything less than an “A” was failure, so he worked constantly to make sure he could maintain his perfection. And the price? He wasn’t happy. When you are constantly striving for perfection, you never get to the destination. You think you are but you never arrive. That’s if great success is supposed to be a college degree, making your first million or finally getting married. You might hit a bump in happiness, but the next day, you are back on the perfection treadmill.  Good Enough

I am amazed at how many of us are out there on that treadmill. Beating ourselves up for every B- paper, one pound gained or bad hair day. We are ever vigilant to find out how we failed and how we did not attain success. The constant interior score card. “I should have stayed late”, “I can’t believe I ate the chocolate cake,” or “I never spend enough time with my kids.” It’s the constant balancing act of being all things to all people. I remember thinking I was stretched in college between school work, my social life and my part-time job. That was way before email, smart phones and the digital deluge made you feel overwhelmed, let alone children, aging parents, full-time jobs and a spouse. Ben-Shahar had some great points on how to achieve good enough and to embrace being human.

Here are some ideas on how to be OK with good enough:

1. Accept. We need to accept the good with the bad. The problem is that we tend to over react and ruminate over the failures. In focusing on all that went wrong, we gloss over what went right. I can tell you ever bad training I’ve facilitated but will forget the successes. I remember everything the boss didn’t approve but when it comes to the laundry list of things she has approved, they are buried deep, never to see the light of day. I can’t tell you how many people can’t take a compliment. I say “I love that necklace!” Co-worker “This old thing? My mom bought it from a street vendor in Mexico. I don’t think it’s worth 5 bucks.” We are hard-wired to reject the good and focus on the bad. Accept what is good in your life.

2. Open. Be open to feedback. Perfectionists want to maintain a façade of perfection. They deflect criticism. They hide from it for fear they will crumble. If you seek out feedback from both good and bad experiences, you become more resilient. I seek out feedback from both coaching clients and training participants. I embrace and accept the “That was great, Cathy” and the “I felt rushed” comments equally. I find that people who aren’t open to feedback tend to get paranoid. They are afraid that everyone dislikes them which makes them even more fearful of feedback. Really? There aren’t that many people that are unilaterally disliked (i.e. Madoff, Hussain, etc.). But they are so busy preserving their self-image that they can’t make course corrections like “being a better listener” or “you could delegate more clearly” along with the “you have a great sense of humor” and “that meeting took courage”. Open up to it all.

3. Release. Try and release that you need to be all things to all people all the time. I have to admit that this has been a struggle. This is especially difficult during the holidays. There was a time when I baked 20 different types of holiday cookies with my then small children (they weren’t that helpful and there was a lot of raw cookie dough consumed) and delivered them to all my employees at the restaurant I owned. All the burnt, dented and mal formed cookies befell my stomach and the rest of the “perfect” cookies were given to all my deserving employees. While this was a very noble gesture, it was completely impractical and made me very anxious every Christmas as my kitchen filled with hundreds of cookies, my kids did not have my full attention, and I become overwhelmed. I am wiser now. I instead put out about a third of the holiday decorations, walk right past the chocolate chips at the grocery store and give a card to my employees. To be good enough means to release the unrealistic expectations.

4. Allocate. Find ways to reasonably allocate your time. Perfectionist are looking ways to maximize their day to try an accomplish EVERYTHING. When they don’t? They are crushed by the failure. Be realistic. Can you really take the dog for a walk, work 10 hours a day, make dinner, take your daughter to ball practice, do the laundry, read a novel, AND run for 2 miles? No. You can’t. OK, you can for maybe one day out of the week but you will be toast by the end of the day. Toast. Figure out how much time you want to spend in a given week on everything that is important to you and then back off about 30%. So if you want a date night with your spouse every week, go out every other. If you want to get that project done at work, schedule an hour every day instead of trying to plow through it in a day and a half. Knowing that you have allocated the time and will be able to have an adult conversation with your spouse at least every other week will feel great, and make sure it actually happens instead of feeling guilty that you couldn’t do it all. Allocate your time.

5. Mono-task. Multitasking is exhausting and it’s really just task switching. You aren’t really texting and driving, you are driving, then texting, then driving, then texting, then driving (then crashing). When you spend your day talking on the phone while answering email or watching TV while eating dinner, you are numbing yourself to the world. You are not present and it is completely unsatisfying. So decide you are going to text, and sit down and text. Talk to your brother on the phone and turn off the television. Go out to dinner with your son and put your cell phone in your pocket. You’ve decided where you want to allocate your time, so go be present for that time. Embrace mono-tasking.

The interesting thing is there are certain pockets of our lives that we reserve for perfection. For me, it has been my coaching and facilitation work. It was wonderfully freeing to me when my coach mentor, Satyam Chalmers, said that there was no perfect question. If a question falls flat, your presence is more important than finding the perfect question. Whew. What a relief. It’s the same for facilitation. I can feel like I haven’t followed the “script” but going with the flow of the room is much more important. I’m good enough and enjoying the work so much more.

Are You a Silo Builder or Buster?

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Silos crop up in organizations when there is a lack of trust.  Departments, regions and co-workers try desperately to mark their territory and keep a tight fist on resources and information.  It’s not a healthy situation.  This results in closed doors, back stabbing and, frequently, loss of good personnel.  They take off for more forthcoming, open organizations.Silo Builder or Buster

Silos in your personal life crop up when you don’t tell your husband about the exam your son failed at school.  Why bring him into it?  He’ll probably get angry.  Your son will get embarrassed and defensive.  Let’s just put up a wall on the information to keep the peace.  Suddenly you’ve laid your first brick in your own personal silo.  The “keep bad news away from Dad’ silo.  In the long run, when someone finds out who knew what and when, the trust might be irreparable.

So how do you go about some silo busting?  Here are some ideas

1. Open.  Be open with your communication.  This can be difficult; especially, if the culture is to keep your cards close.  It starts with you.  If you just got some information that might negatively affect the business or one department in particular.  Take the first step and be open with the information.

2. Drop.  As in drop the assumptions.  This moment never happened before.  You really don’t know how that manager, child or customer might react.  You might have an educated guess but leave your assumptions out of it.  They are frequently a self fulfilling prophecy.  “Suzie always gets angry when I mention the sales forecast.”  Hmmm, regardless of Suzie’s reaction you are going to be looking to fulfill your assumption and any reaction Suzie has will be categorized in your mind as “anger”.

3. Love.  Sounds crazy but I do this especially if I am angry with a colleague (or ex) .  I imagine myself embracing them.  It’s hard to throw someone under the bus if you recently imagined embracing them.  We are all human and deserve caring folks around us.  It’s real hard to lay the first brick of a silo if you promote a caring culture.

4. Share.  This straight out of the “Essentials of Leadership” from Development Dimensions International,  “Share thoughts, feelings and rationale.”  It builds trust.  Explain to your husband why you were reluctant (feelings) to tell him about the failing test score.  Tell your colleague why (rationale) you would like to delay the project.  Trusting environments rarely have silos.

5. Promoter.  Be a promoter within your work group.  Make sure your employees are drinking the same Kool-Aid.  If your employees know that you are an open book on information and resources, they will follow suit.  Do not reward those who withhold important information to other departments.   It starts with you

6. Vacuum.  Don’t tolerate a vacuum on information or resources.  Take a deep breath and take the first step (this is more difficult for some of us who hate rocking the boat).  Pick up the phone or, better yet, (if you can) go be eyeball to eyeball with that guy you think is trying to build a silo.  “Hey Joe, I haven’t heard the status on Project X and my understanding is that you do….what gives?”  Be a silo preventer.

Depending on the organization, work unit or family culture, this can be difficult.  You can’t choose your family but you can choose the organization you work for.  If you are sensing there are too many silos and there aren’t any silo busters like you around?  The best strategy might be finding a place without any silos.

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should: Squashing Gigaguilt

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I’ve been reading CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! Strategies for Coping in a World Gone ADD by Edward R. Hallowell.  The author coined the term Gigaguilt.  Initially, I figured that Gigaguilt was feeling regretful that I didn’t buy the 64 GB iPod and defaulted to the 16 GB iPod.  Like gigabite envy; it’s not.

It’s about the guilt associated with having access to so much information that you know that you are missing that 5k race for domestic violence victims, and the compensation conference in Tampa, and that comedian you’d love to see, or your son’s wrestling match that falls on the same night as your WordPress Meetup. girl_staring_at_mountains

Life was so much simpler when we didn’t get Facebook invitations to fundraisers for every charity under the sun.  They are all so deserving but how do you choose once the flood gates of information or connectedness open up?  There is this constant struggle between priorities in your life.  Some of which, up until about 5 years ago, weren’t even on your radar.  If you feel like you are overcommitted and are still beating yourself up that you forgot about the parents meeting at your child’s school, have 6 unanswered meeting requests in your inbox and your mother is exasperated that you haven’t returned her call –  You are suffering from Gigaguilt.

Here are some practical tips on how to squash the gigaguilt:

1. Timer.  Put a timer on when it comes to social media.  Spend 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening.  Check in, and do what you are there for.  Check your daughter’s page, your college group feed and wish everyone happy birthday, and Get OFF.  Out of sight, out of mind.

2. Select.  Be selective with your notifications, lists and resources.  I am on several lists.  I get several daily, weekly and monthly newsletters, articles and posts.  If I decide it’s not serving me after a few weeks or months.  I drop it.  If something new comes on the horizon, I sign up and see if there is a benefit.  If not?  I drop it.  You are going to need to draw the line.  If you are never going to be a painter or lawyer or PhD candidate, get off the list.  If you aspire to learn how to play guitar, be a better public speaker or want some leadership advice, sign up and take a test drive.  Just be willing to pull the plug if it’s not serving you.  Clutter produces drag.

3. Slack. As in cut yourself some slack.  It’s OK to not sign up for every 5k within a 20 mile radius of your home.  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  Don’t head down the self judgment trail.  You don’t need to be the perfect________(fill in the blank).  My son ran in the state track meet last year and I wasn’t there to see it.  I saw the video.  I’m still a great parent.  No judgment.  I didn’t get to run a 10k in April.  I’ll try it next year.  I’m still a runner…er jogger.  I didn’t get to go to the charity event I’ve attended for the last 9 years.  It’s still a great cause and I am still a generous person.  Remember:  No one is keeping tabs except you.  Judge yourself exemplary.

4. Expectations. Lay the ground work with those who are important in your life.  Tell your boss that you won’t be able to work Thursday afternoons during you son’s wrestling season.  Tell your mother that you don’t take phone calls during dinner.  Let your daughter know that you have a trip scheduled during her upcoming concert.  There is a lot less guilt and finger pointing if you lay out your expectations up front.

5. Present.  Be present.  If your partner is talking to you, stop looking at your iPhone, make eye contact and listen.  If you are on the phone with your friend, don’t look at email.  If your dog wants to be scratched, look her in the eyes and be with her in the moment.   If you are taking a walk, smell, listen and look at the sights around you.  You aren’t going to get this moment back.  Be there, in the moment, in every moment of your life.

I am by nature, an early adopter.  I will on impulse sign up for a Groupon that I’m not sure my husband is on board with.  I will sign up for the class that I’m not sure I’m going to be able to fit into my life.  I have learned to back off.  Take a breath.  Be selective and squash the gigaguilt.  Just be cause you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Curiosity: the Antidote for Fear

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I’ve been taking several team coaching courses through CRR Global. Our facilitator said something really thought provoking. Curiosity is the antidote for fear. She posited that you can’t hold fear and curiosity at the same time. I guess this is why Curious George seemed to escape dire consequences because he wasn’t holding onto fear and examining all the “what if’s”. Rather liberating isn’t it? Just be curious and fear will melt away.

As I look back, I think the period of my life where I was consumed with fear and struggled with worrying about all that could go wrong was when my son was two. He was a toddler capable of dragging a tricycle onto a kitchen table and then sitting on it. He lacked any sense of fear. I was tethered to my son’s hand in every parking lot, store, amusement park, Movie Theater….for about three years. He had no sense of danger. No limits. I remember sitting several rows back at a Cirque du Soleil performance and he ran down the aisle to try and go on stage. We caught him just shy of the first step. Crisis averted. His curiosity struck fear in me. Thank goodness they grow up. Thank goodness he and I both survived.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t watch out for our toddlers and let them go play in traffic; but there is a lot to be learned from having an open curiosity about the world. I personally am game for any antidote for fear. So here are some ideas for embracing curiosity.

1. Open. To be able to embrace curiosity, you need to be open. Be available for the experience. I remember going for a zip line experience with my son a few years ago. I initially asked him if he wanted to go try it out and he was game (no surprise there). To be honest when I asked him I hadn’t really thought through that this meant I would be flying through a forest several hundred feet above the ground. I am not a dare devil but I was open. I didn’t come up with a laundry list of why I shouldn’t do it. It was more about seizing the opportunity to do something fun with my son before he headed off to college. When they strapped us into our gear and the helmet was on, well…it was too late to worry about fear. We had a blast and suffered no injuries. Be open. Curiosity: the Antidote for Fear

2. Scientist. Put on your scientist hat…or a lab coat. I remember taking food chemistry lab at Cornell. I was a Hotel Administration major and we spent hours messing with something basic like baking a cake. In one recipe we would double the baking powder, in another, we would leave out the eggs, in another, we would use oil instead of butter. As you can imagine (if you bake at all you know it is a science) the resulting cakes would be vastly different. I could see the cause and effect at work. It was a great learning experience although some of the end products were awful. Tinkering with various aspects of recipes has helped me to be a better cook. Take time to become the scientist.

3. Wonder. To be in “wonder” for me, means to be absolutely present and free of assumption. You need to let go and be. I can remember my kids as toddlers on Christmas morning. The larger presents from Santa would be all set up (i.e. Hot Wheels race tracks, Barbie dream house…etc). There was an overwhelming amount of things in the room but my son would run up to the racetrack and start playing. He would spend 30 minutes before he was ready to move on. He was present in his wonder and took it all in at his pace. Embrace wonder.

4. Talk to your triggers. We just practiced this in my CRR Global class. Being triggered is when you go into fight or flight mode. I get triggered when someone says a sexist statement like “those football players are playing like girls.” Suddenly my 30 year old neighborhood bully named “Joe” breaks out and wants to teach somebody a lesson and I shut down and can’t think. When I separated from my triggered self (through coaching), I could dream up a new way to deal with Joe the next time I get triggered. I can show up as my adult self and keep Joe in the back room by the red phone. Having a plan to deal with your triggers helps keep you resilient, in the moment, and keeping fear in check.

5. Muscle. Work your curiosity muscle on a regular basis. This is kind of like getting out of the status quo. Shake up your routines. Try a different drink at Starbucks, cross your arms the opposite of normal, drive a different route to work, eat vegetarian all day or call your brother you haven’t spoken to in months. It might be a little (or a lot) uncomfortable but it gets easier the more you do it. You can flex that curiosity muscle more easily. Flex your muscles.

The beauty of embracing curiosity is that life becomes that much fuller, more interesting, more adventurous. The view is different there. Lean in.

7 Steps to Conquering Stage Fright.

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I was presenting to a group for the first time last week and while the slide said “Relationships – How to Be a Real Success”, I said something like, “Sex is real important in relationships” (I don’t know what I actually said because the embarrassment basically erased my memory). And the crowd erupted.  I went three shades of red.  We were all laughing, especially me.  It was easy from there.  Isn’t that crazy?  Somehow I connected to the audience because of my blunder.  I became a human in everyone else’s eyes.

I’m a big Zoe Keating fan (a fabulous avaunt-garde cellist).  She apparently has suffered from performance anxiety and was written about in an article by Therese J. Borchard in World of Psychology called Conquering Performance Anxiety: A Primer for All Phobias.  What is interesting is that she conquered her fear by not performing in front of a group of people that she knew but by “busking” (street performing) at a BART station in San Francisco.  She conquered her fear by playing for an uncaring audience because once they started leaving some money and showing appreciation for her playing, she was emboldened.  Even if she made mistakes, they still thanked her for her playing.  Being a parent of a musician, I can tell you that you don’t notice mistakes as the listener, but as a musician, it’s all you pay attention to.

I received some helpful advice in a training course for DiSC by Inscape Publishing several years ago which was, “It’s all about them.”  When you focus on the audience and your only intention is to bring knowledge, skills or a new awareness to the group in front of you, the fear is damped down.  Squashed like a grape.

So how can you squash your fears and minimize your stage fright?  Here are a couple of ideas.

1.  Meditate.  Even 5 minutes a day can improve your focus.  It builds the gray matter in your brain and keeps the “stage” clear in your prefrontal cortex.  When you can focus, you are keeping your lizard brain at bay.  The more you practice meditation, the better the benefits.  You don’t see the Dalai Lama stressing out and having performance anxiety.

2. Beliefs.  My daughter told me the other day that she was nervous about midterms.  She said, “I’m bad at taking tests”.  If you believe that you are “bad” at taking tests, you will be.  If you believe that you are going to be nervous when you speak in front your Rotary club, you will be.  As Byron Katie prescribes, do the turn around.  Say to yourself that you are awesome at taking tests, inspiring at speaking in front of an audience, or that you’re going to rock this interview.  You gotta believe.

3. Reappraisal.  David Rock promotes this in his book Your Brain At Work. When you go on high alert because you feel a lack of control and uncertainty (such as getting on stage in front of a group or taking the SATs), try and re-frame your thinking.   I remember being given the advice that you should imagine that everyone is naked…really?  Now that is scary.  Try and reframe by saying to yourself, “Everyone is excited about what I’m going to say” or “I am really prepared for this test and I’m going to give it my best”.  When you can reflect and re-frame, you dampen down the fear response.

4. Transparent.   The audience cannot see inside your head.  Taylor Clark wrote in his book Nerve about the “illusions of transparency” bias. Put simply, we tend to believe that our internal emotional states are more obvious to others than they truly are. Outside of blushing and nervous twitches, the audience has no idea if you are calm and confident or shaking in your boots.  Assume the former and move on.

5. Move.  If you sit in the wings of the stage gnashing your teeth, you will raise your heart rate and stress level.  Take a ten-minute walk and get the blood flowing to your gray matter.  In fact, put your iPod on and listen to some uplifting music while you take that walk.

6. Alcohol and Caffeine. Your adrenaline is high enough.  There is no reason to pump up your system so lay off the Mountain Dew, espresso and dark chocolate.  You don’t want to be a jittery mess.  A shot of tequila or glass of Merlot is a not good route either.  You want to be on top of your game, so keep your gray matter in top form.

7. Prepare.  Run through your materials.  Don’t over think it but make sure you feel comfortable.  I find that I am always better the second time I give a training or speech.  I know where the lulls are, what questions come up and what material to throw out.  It’s the same when you take an exam for the second time in a class. You know what the professor is looking for the second time around.

Try one or two of these the next time your stage fright shows up.  Build from there. You can tame your fear with a little practice.

How do you conquer stage fright?

Think outside the Boomer Box. How to work with Millennials.

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The next generation is invading the workforce and we are all going to need to adapt.  The expectation of a recent college graduate is vastly different than those boomers who are checking their 401k balance everyday and trying to figure out their escape plan.  For those of you who haven’t been in a college classroom lately, let me bring you up to date, the twenty-somethings are texting on their smart phones, sitting behind laptops and  have never cracked the spine on an encyclopedia.  So imagine the shock and horror, when they enter the workforce and they are dumped into a joyless cubicle, only have access to company approved websites and can’t use their cell phone because it’s prohibited by company policy.  Hmmm.  I think we have a problem.  We just put the handcuffs on; we’re bridling a generation that doesn’t even know what that means.

The average Millennial, born between 1980 and 2000, is expected to work 1.7 years at any given company.  In Human Resource terms, that is a blink of the eye.  Recruiting, attracting, on-boarding, training and retaining seem hardly worth the effort for 1.7 years of tenure (unless of course you are McDonalds).

So how are you going to retain these “kids”?  We’re going to need to take a hard look at our work environments, policies and leadership skills and adapt.  Some boomers may delay retirement for a few more years but there is going to be deficit in the skilled employable talent pool.   The Bureau of Labor Statistics estimates that within 8 years, Gen Y will be the majority generation in the workforce.

Here are some ideas on how to hold on to Gen Y and Z:

1. Purpose.  GenY can easily work for the Peace Corps in Africa for 2 years as work for a for-profit company. This group is looking for a higher purpose.  Profit for shareholders isn’t likely to cut the mustard.  If you can link your company’s vision and mission to a higher purpose, Gen Y might stick around.  Is your company giving back to the community, developing green initiatives or supporting a cause?  Are you communicating that or are you writing checks and keeping your mouth shut?  Communicate it.  Often.  And in varied ways

2. Feedback. Give it to them straight.  In an article from the Harvard Business Review by Meister and Willyerd called Mentoring Millenials, what Millenials want from their boss is someone “who will give me straight feedback”.  No sugar coating.  No veiled criticism.  Cut to the chase.

3. Recognition.  This is the generation where everyone got a trophy for just participating and in some cases, they didn’t get grades or never kept score during the game.  They have been recognized just for showing up.  This doesn’t need to be a huge budget for purchasing trophies for “just showing up to work,” a specific, sincere thank you for a job well done and why it’s important to the company’s goals will suffice.  This will build loyalty.

4. Freedom. You might think about how much latitude you are giving this next generation.   Antiquated policies about dress code, cubicle decorum and a staunch 8 to 5 work schedule isn’t likely to attract these folks.  If your business permits (I’m not suggesting that a bank teller should be able to work virtually), loosen the reins a little.  If you want some contrast, check out this video about Zappos culture.

5. Social. This generation has been collaborating and socializing since grade school.  Is your company culture open to supporting collaboration below the executive team?  Are your departments throwing a BBQ once in a while?  What are you doing to get to know your younger employees?  Get social.

6. Technology.  They are going to demand that you have technology.  A 2008 LexisNexis® Technology Gap Survey found that only 14% of Boomers access social networking sites from work; 62% of Gen Y do. Does your workplace permit such things as Facebooking at work? Have you figured out how to manage it?  The workplace is changing.

7. Challenge.  Busy work isn’t going to cut it.  This group isn’t about “paying their dues” for 10 years before having an opportunity to test the waters.  My nineteen-year-old daughter had an internship this summer for a documentary company.  Within three weeks of starting, they let her edit a piece of the documentary.  Is your company willing to do that?  How are you challenging this next generation? Challenge them early and often.

8. Open. Whether you are ready or not, within the next eight years more than 50% of the workforce is going to be Millenials.  Are you open to change?  Regardless, it’s going to happen.  Work/life balance, flexible work schedules and virtual offices are here to stay.  Think outside of the boomer box and open yourself up to the next generation.

I realize that not all industries can adopt all of these measures, but we can take some steps on one or two.  This is not one-size-fits all.  The point here is to stay ahead of the talent war looming  within the next decade.

5 Ways to Find a Critic and Why You Need One.

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I had the pleasure of hearing Col. Mark Slocum, Commander of the 4th Fighter Wing, speak at a local Leading Wayne event here in Goldsboro, NC this past week. He advocated that every leader should have a critical thinker; someone to poke holes in your ideas. Basically, the opposite of a “yes” man. Every great leader needs someone to challenge their ideas to make sure the ideas are sound. I completely agree. The problem is that it is not the easiest thing to go out and look for criticism. It’s uncomfortable. It’s being vulnerable. It’s being humble. everyone needs a critic

I have to say I face this, to some degree, every week when I send out my blog draft to “Cathy’s Brain Trust” to several old friends from college and beyond. I have to say that the first few drafts (some two and half years ago), received glowing reviews along with a slew of grammatical corrections. So, although I felt vulnerable when I hit the send button, I received mostly thumbs up and was forced to acknowledge the holes in my grammar. There have been many times since those first few posts where there was some not so favorable feedback. Some posts never got published. It was humbling and, at times embarrassing (there is a big difference between roster and rooster). I survived. I have endured. I have learned. And I’m a better writer. And, as with any exercise like this, we have all learned from each other. The group has even admitted to me their discomfort sometimes when contributing but the intent has always been to make things better!

So where do you go looking for the Critic? Here are some ideas:

1. Perspective. Look for someone with a different perspective. In a recent Mastermind (a group of like-minded folks working for a similar goal) conference call, one of the group members had raised that idea that if you are creating a coaching website, it really doesn’t make sense to have other coaches give you feedback about the site. They will come from a coaching perspective and not a client perspective. So go find someone with the perspective of a potential end user. If you are developing a new garden for a senior center, go talk to the seniors that will be using the garden. If you are making a new kid friendly tortilla, go talk to some kids. If you are looking for feedback on the employee picnic, survey the employees and their families. Find a different perspective from those who are invested in the outcome.

2. No dog in the fight. Make sure you are getting feedback from someone with nothing to gain or someone without a dog in the fight. I can remember having a menu tasting for a restaurant I opened some twenty years ago, and we had the staff taste the menu. Probably not the most unbiased crowd to poll. Those folks wanted to get the restaurant open and get paid, they would probably have said that everything tasted great. Come to think of it, I’m not sure we eliminated any menu items from that tasting. Make sure your Critic doesn’t have anything to gain from sitting back and nodding their head. Make sure they don’t have a dog in the fight.

3. Feed Forward. If there is an opportunity, look for feed forward. Feed forward is when you ask for how you could do it differently or more effectively the next time. This is not a deep brutal post mortem on everything that went wrong (although this would be necessary for things like equipment malfunction) but rather a look at what is possible in the future. As Marshall Goldsmith recommends, pick one behavior you want to change like, “I want to be a better listener”. Try it on for size with a few folks that are your coworkers, your boss and your direct reports. Let them know you want to be a better listener and ask them what that would look like to them. Be careful NOT to look back for examples where you were not a good listener. This is all about moving forward (not backwards). Ask them for two suggestions and shut up. Make notes. Thank them. You can ask your participant if they would like some feed forward on something they would like to change. Ask for feed forward.

4. Anonymity. There is also value in having the critique come from an anonymous source. Wiley has an Everything DiSC 363 Assessment where you can have four different groups of people give feedback and all the feedback is anonymous except for the manager. So all the direct reports are in one group, all the coworkers are in another. There’s also the option of including the board of directors, customers and/or a manager(s). They are all asked about the leader’s style in various areas (i.e. collaboration, approachability, directness, etc.) and given the option for various preset comments. I think this is really effective because if 20 out of 25 raters said that, “Joe could be a lot more approachable”; it’s a powerful statement rather than 20 different comments trying to say the same thing. The point is that if there is anonymity, you will receive more honest feedback. This is especially true if you are in a leadership position and your direct reports may feel there will be repercussions if they say anything unflattering. There may be a reason to have your Critic have anonymity.

5. Trusted. Then, of course, there is the trusted group that you know will give it to you straight. There is no way to say how you cultivate this group except that you’ll know when you know. It’s like “Cathy’s Brain Trust”, the group has morphed a bit overtime. A member would never give feedback or I didn’t find value in it. Trust is a two way street. If I received some constructive feedback and blew up in anger or ignored the feedback, I am letting down my side of the bargain. So if you ask for criticism be prepared to receive it graciously and give up on the illusion that you need to be perfect. It’s not going to happen. We all have flaws and, mine in particular, is a grasp of American English grammatical rules. It doesn’t mean I can’t write, it just means I need a trusted English major as a part of my brain trust.

Let me just say that it’s easier to be surrounded by “yes” men. It’s more comfortable to be untested and to ride the status quo. I get it. I still get slightly squeamish when I send these posts for feedback. I love this mantra on criticism from Christine Kane: SWSWSWSW “Some will, some won’t. So what? Someone’s waiting.” There is someone out there waiting for this post on this topic. Whew. What a relief.

Changing Habits. 7 Tactics to Turn It Around.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It seems impossible to break habits. It took me at least 5 attempts to quit smoking and, while I haven’t had a cigarette in over 12 years, I’m never really sure I’ve “quit” for good. It’s like the boogie man, you just never know when it will come out of the shadows. It turns out there is a very good reason for this. I just read Dr. Jeremy Dean’s book “Making Habits. Breaking Habits” and it illustrates why breaking habits is so much more difficult than making new habits.

First of all, in the case of smoking, you are trying to break two parts of the habit. One part of the habit is the delivery of nicotine to your body and the other part are the cues that cause you to want a cigarette. I know for me, I always started smoking again in either a social situation such as a bar (back in the dark ages when you could actually smoke in bars) or standing in line for a movie (back in the dark ages when you could smoke in public; ). Or talk with anyone who’s quit, and I’m sure they can spout off an extensive list of cues – a cup of coffee, a conversation, a phone call, driving in the car. It’s crazy. changing habits

Second, it’s really impossible to break the neural pathway that created that habit. Think of the habit as the Grand Canyon in your brain and you are trying to divert the Colorado River towards Michigan. Ain’t gonna happen. We are on auto pilot most of the day. When was the last time you remembered your drive to work? Your brain is saving resources by having you on auto pilot most of the day. That includes habits like smoking. So the answer is to create new habits. Leave the Grand Canyon alone and start a little trickle of water elsewhere.

Here are some ways to do that:

1. 21 days. Apparently, 21 days is an unproven theory for beating or changing a habit. And if you think about it, it really doesn’t make sense. First of all something as complex as quitting smoking when there are two habits to break (the physical nicotine and psychological habit) is not something that’s magically going to go away if you survive not smoking for 21 days. It’s a fallacy. The other thing is that everyone is wired differently. There have been several studies to test the 21 day theory and some folks developed a new habit after 20 days and others took up to 6 months. Don’t bank on the 21 day theory. But there’s nothing wrong with it if it works for you!

2. Notice. If you want to break an old habit like biting your nails or a tic of some kind notice when you feel compelled to indulge. Awareness is the key. You need to understand what triggers the behavior. It’s like when I put my sneakers on in the morning, my dog immediately thinks we are going for a walk. There is a cause and effect. You need to notice the cause or enlist someone else to help you bring your awareness to the particular tic. I noticed that I was eating both my breakfast and lunch in front of the computer. I had no memory of eating which frequently causes me to eat more later. I needed to notice that habit before I can even begin to change it.

3. Response. Dr. Dean outlines “Competing Response Training” in his book. This type of training is called Habit Reversal Training (HRT) and is used for tics, nail biting and Tourette’s. This means finding an opposite response. So if you have a tic of tightening your left shoulder, learn to respond with the opposite of perhaps lengthening your neck on your right side. Biting your finger nails? Perhaps lengthen your fingers on your lap. Replacing a habit is much more likely than stopping the old. If you smoke, start chewing gum. I can remember when I first quit smoking that I would bring my fingers to my lips and tap it on my lips. Sort of a pantomime smoking response. Figure out a different response.

4. Small. Start small. Break big habits down into smaller bites. When I changed my eating habits, I started with breakfast on the weekends. I sat at my kitchen table. After a week, I started eating every breakfast at the table. The week after that, I started eating lunch at the table on the weekends. Finally, now I eat every meal at a table. This is especially true with exercise. If you have never run before, the worst thing you could do is go run 5 miles. You will get cramped up and never want to put your sneakers on again. Run for 10 minutes or 5 minutes or 1 minute. Build from there over several weeks or months. Having a coach can help you chunk big things into small steps email me to get started (cathy@cathy-graham.com). Start small; finish big

5. Early. If possible, start early in the day because that’s when your willpower is the strongest. I have been meditating for over two years now. I always meditate in the morning. Frequently it’s recommended to meditate twice a day. I have never been able to pull off meditating in the evening. After 7 PM, I’m pretty zoned out and depleted. I know an evening meditation might be helpful but alas, I have no willpower left to pull it off. Start a new habit as early in the day as possible. You may be able to shift it later but start with the morning.

6. Visualize completely. Dr. Dean points out that in test groups those who visualize both the hard work and the success both, in the end do much better. So don’t just visualize the “A” on the test. Visualize studying, reading and gaining knowledge as well as the “A” on the test. Studies have shown a Planning Fallacy as well. We tend to underestimate how much time it will take to accomplish a task like making a cake, setting up the new spreadsheet or in writing this blog post (really…I thought I would have this done an hour ago). But when other outside observers predict how long something will take, they are much more accurate and realistic. So make sure you have the complete picture before embarking and get some outside opinions as well. Visualize the goal completely.

7. Layering. Layer one simple habit on top of another. I have to admit that I have never flossed my teeth on a regular basis. I get my teeth cleaned every six months and the dental hygienist always recommends flossing. I’ve purchased all manner of flossing paraphernalia to no avail. So this last cleaning about three weeks ago, I decided to purchase a water pik. I’ve been water “flossing” my teeth every evening ever since. Part of it is that the machine is sitting there by the sink so I’ve set up the environment for success but it’s part of my evening ritual of teeth brushing, medication taking, and face washing. It’s just one more thing in the evening ritual. Tag the new habit onto something else and you are more likely to accomplish it. Layer your habits.

So you are probably wondering how I eventually quit smoking. It was a combination of two things. My husband (who was an ex smoker) would say to me as I headed out to the front porch for a cigarette “going to suck your thumb?” Wow. That’s what I was doing. Something a five year old would do. The second thing was my six year old son coming out, while I was smoking on the front porch, and saying “I can’t wait to grow up and smoke just like you”. I quit within the week. Social pressure is probably the biggest influence for those really hard habits to break. So find some support as you embark on those big gnarly habits.

What habit are you trying to make or break?

Save time and do less. Systems based productivity.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I recently read an interesting article on wework.com by Alex Cavoulacus called One Founder’s best productivity trick: save time and do less. She makes some solid points on how to free up your time and I think there are areas for more exploration. I think that Alex has a more tactical view where my approach would be more systems based. I think when it comes to productivity, you need to set up a system to be more productive rather than reflect on each incident and whether or not it was a good use of your time. For example, I keep my phone in the kitchen charging overnight. This is a system. I don’t get up at 3 in the morning and check email. I get a better night’s sleep and I am, therefore, more productive the next day. images

There are other systems that can improve your productivity as well. Blocking off one hour every morning to write or work on projects. Close the door. Turn off the phone. Block out any interruptions. Hold that space as sacred and don’t let any interruptions in. That is a system. So you don’t need to start your day and say, wow, I wonder how I’ll get the project done today. Let me look at my schedule and see if I can squeeze it in and hope that nothing comes up to interrupt me.

Here are her seven questions and my take on them:

1. Do You Say No? Alex suggests reviewing your last ten tasks that were not assigned by your boss (good idea for career preservation) and see if you should have said “No” in retrospect. It’s a great idea to reflect back and see where some of your time leaked out so that you can prepare yourself going forward. I like the idea of the “proactive no” or, setting up some guidelines that help you stay on course to be your best self. Something like, Friday nights are family night or I never engage in more than two projects at once or I’ll only be on three committees. This makes it easier to say “no”. “You want me on the budget committee? I’m sorry. As a rule, I only sit on three committees at once so that I can devote the amount of attention needed to do a good job.” It also makes it easier to be clear about your priorities because you have your set of proactive no’s. The less thinking, hemming and hawing, the better.

2. Are you delegating enough? No one delegates enough. Alex refers to some folks as “delegataphobs”. Been there, done that and need the t-shirt. I’m the best one to do it. I can do it faster. I don’t have time to delegate. Amen. Everyone needs to get over the fact that they know best and to help others shine by delegating. Especially some of the shinier projects. Don’t leave your junior executive handling small, no impact administrative tasks and never getting them to stretch. Invest the time and delegate. You will look like the master Yoda when your junior executive gets the next promotion.

3. Is everything on your To Do list necessary? Of course not. I’ve seen all kinds of advice about To Do lists. Do them every morning, every night, only hand written, in some new fangled app. I think the main thing is to find the system that works and use it. If you start moving the same item over to the new To Do list, it’s probably not important or you’ve been fired because you never got around to it. For me, have an app just for things like grocery lists or items I need to remember for the trip out of town called “Do It Tomorrow” and I’ve used “Wunderlist” as well . I have a completely different system (Trello) for more long term projects. For a list of the latest and greatest here is an article by Forbes. It doesn’t matter where you have it or how you use it, what matters is that you set up a process and stick to it.

4 thru 6. The next three questions were on meetings. This seemed redundant and I felt like having a system would definitely handle most of the issues with unwanted, unnecessary or last minute meetings. A meeting is a claim on your time like anything else. If you set up your proactive no as I suggest in item #1 ,you will not be on as many committees and, therefore, sitting there tapping your pen, wondering why you are in the meeting to begin with. There are other systems that can be employed as well, like if you set up a meeting, have it scheduled for 23 minutes. Folks will walk in prepared, there will be less chit chat and business will be accomplished in lightning speed. Respect people’s time. I frequently set up trainings and meetings. I always aim to end them before they are scheduled. The sense of relief that I respected the groups’ time and we finished “early” is incredible. Perhaps even trend setting. Set the standard.

7. Are you a slave to your inbox? Most folks are. Your inbox should not be your To Do list. Your inbox needs folders so that you can organize your correspondence. Be judicious in who you carbon copy and make sure your direct reports do as well. The more you CC: people on emails, the more you yourself will be cc:’d. If you don’t. They won’t. The other advice here is to be brutal in unsubscribing to things you don’t want to receive or have outlived their usefulness. Or set up rules in your inbox to have things automatically moved to a folder.

I think that Alex brought some great points in her article. In addition, I think it’s important to be your own choice architect by setting up your environment and schedule for success. This involves rising early, setting up loss aversion, priming and setting processes in place to create habits so that productivity comes seamlessly…maybe even painlessly.

Failing towards Success.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Robert F. Kennedy

If you aren’t failing, you aren’t innovating. Wow. That’s a scary realization. I had a project go off the rails recently and I have to say that at the time I was reading, Scott Adams‘ book, How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. It was an eye opener. Scott Adams has failed at countless projects. Video games, restaurants, internet services, Velcro Rosen bags, and Webvan to name just a few of his failures. He suggests actually being steeped in failure. If I was not in the middle of the book reading about all of his failures, my project that failed would have stopped me. I’d have thrown in the towel. I’m not meant for this. But Scott’s consistent optimism and his systems orientation showed me that failing is inevitable. As Scott said to look at “failure as a tool, not an outcome”. It’s reshaped the way I see failure. Don’t avert your eyes from failure, learn from it. Find the one little nugget of information and move on. Thanks, Scott. success

Now I’ve started reflecting back on various other projects that were less than stellar in my life. Like this blog. I write it weekly and I can never predict if more people will click to open it or not. Frequently, the subject line or title has a lot to do with whether or not someone like you even decides to open it. This becomes a delicate dance between a quirky title like Lawnmower Fairies or something more main stream like The Butterfly Effect. One Small Change Can Have An Impact. So which do you think had more opens? The second one. It’s more straight-forward. It’s something that is relatable. I’m sure you are thinking, yeah, I can handle one small change…let me see what that’s all about. On the other hand Lawnmower Fairies was published in July of 2012 and has precisely 26 opens…ever. The Butterfly Effect was published in July of 2014 and has had over 154 opens as of this morning. Big difference. I don’t write cryptic titles any more. I mean what the heck IS a lawnmower fairy and why would anyone but immediate family (thanks Mom) want to read about it? The most important thing is to learn from it. Otherwise, I could have packed up this blog two years ago and thrown in the towel.

So here are some of the secrets on how to get to success through all those failures:

1. Do. My friend, Janine quotes Yoda frequently, “No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.” Do the work. Write the blog. Contact potential clients. Raise the money. Research potential locations. Read books on the topic. Put a business plan together. Network. Update your resume. Make a LinkedIn profile. See who else sells Purple Squirrel catchers. Decide what you want on your menu. Figure out how many items you want in your product line. Decide if you want to self publish or not. Show up and do. Do do do.

2. Energy. Scott Adams spends a lot of time talking about energy. If want to be constantly “doing”, you can’t be sitting on a coach eating Twinkies all day. Think about how you are going to keep the fire in your belly roaring. Regular movement is one of the best things to keep you optimistic and motivated. There is no downside to exercise except for over doing it or the cost of equipment. Eat fuel that helps your body keep in tip top shape. You know if you eat that cream filled donut you will feel miserable in an hour and want to go back to bed. So don’t. Keep you energy stoked.

3. Reframe. Anytime you have a setback or make a mistake, reframe it. Say to yourself “Hmmm, that was interesting, what can I learn from this?” I have to say I use this when I coach. A client will say that they want to do yoga 5 times a week and they don’t follow through. Goose egg. So I say, “No sweat. What did you learn from that?” Client says, “I don’t like yoga”. Me, “Great. Is exercise still important to you?” Client, “Yes. I think I’d rather play tennis 3 times a week”. OK so now we have reframed and moved on.

4. Keep on. Keep on keeping on. It’s so easy to fall under the shadow of one small failure and decide to succumb to fear. “I’m not meant to be an entrepreneur.” “I’ll never get into that college.” “I’ll never find the right partner.” Do not sit and catalog all your failures from the last thirty years in order to rationalize why you should give up. Think about Thomas Edison and his 1,500 failures at creating a light bulb. Thank goodness he didn’t give up. Keep on.

5. Systems. Scott recommends creating systems instead of goals. So a system is getting daily movement. A goal is running a marathon. A system is eating three vegetables a day. A goal is losing 20 pounds. Systems are just habits in disguise. As Scott sees goals as limiting. Once you achieve it you are done. With a system, you are constantly updating and looking for opportunities. Take the system of daily movement. I don’t need to worry about whether it’s yoga, running, walking or jitterbugging. I just make sure I get daily movement. It’s a habit. A process with no end point. Set up systems.

6. Acceptance. Make sure to accept the failings of others. When you start judging those around you for their failures, it’s just a reflection of how you see yourself. If you think your son isn’t athletic enough or your daughter isn’t smart enough…there is a good chance that you don’t see yourself as “enough”. We are just works of art in progress. At one point, the Mona Lisa was just a few strokes of paint waiting to be brought to fruition. Let go and accept.

I’m not sure why I never realized it before but Scott Adams’ book just made me understand that we are all out here just trying our best. He was drawing Dilbert for 8 years while still working full time at Pacific Bell. He’s a real human just like me. We are all humans just like me.