Letting Go. Are you attached to your kid’s success?

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

You verify every grade on the report card. You double check your kid’s homework to make sure she has it all “right”. You make sure they do their homework for two hours before they play any Minecraft. You take over the science project to ensure they win top prize. You want to make sure your child is a success and your happiness is dependent on it.

Really? Do you want to be dependent on your child’s success for your own happiness? That will end up being a lifetime of struggle. I’m not suggesting that you don’t want health and happiness for your child. We all want that. But are you measuring your happiness and/or success by your child’s success? What does success look like for your child? And who gets to decide what success is? Is that really up to you?

Letting go

I facilitated a workshop on CRR Global’s Toxins and Exploring Edges. I coached one of the participants on a change she wanted to make in her life (which Edge she wanted to explore). She has two sons. One is academically gifted and the other is academically challenged. Well, she was able to let go of expectations from the challenged son. She realized that letting go of one child’s expectations had heightened the expectations for the other child. The change she wanted to make was to be able to let go of expectations for her gifted son.

So here are some of the insights from the exercise:

  • Trust is the core of every relationship. This is one of the 5 Behaviors of the Cohesive Team by Patrick Lencioni. As Lencioni posits, it’s not just predictive trust (you do what you say you are going to do) but also vulnerability based trust (you admit when you made a mistake). Are you letting your child be vulnerable? Are they allowed to make a mistake without you chiding them? If they can’t be vulnerable, they aren’t going to tell you when they mess up.

 

  • Autonomy doesn’t have to mean you don’t care. Autonomy is a great gift to the folks in your life. Getting wrapped up in whether or not their homework is done or if they are EVER going to empty the garbage is exhausting and it’s not helping you find happiness. When you don’t let your children have autonomy (within reason folks…don’t let your 5-year-old park the car), they are constantly seeking your approval and reassurance or, on the flip side, are demotivated because they can’t have independence. Autonomy helps them create that on their own. The responsibility of success, failure and happiness are safely resting on their shoulders. Autonomy shows that you do care.

 

  • Let go in stages that work for you. The mom I was working with, initially “jumped” across the Edge. She then decided to go back and slowly inch her way across the Edge. It resonated when she was able to gradually move across the change of letting go. Her body language relaxed. You could see that she was relieved and that she could control how and when she would let go. How and when you let go is a very personal choice. Don’t jump unless you want to.

 

  • Acceptance of both failure and success is critical. Mommy client said that she needed to let go of whether her son got a 90 or a 97. “They are both A’s.” I remember standing in the middle of the kitchen when my son was making a complicated cake recipe. I was making suggestions ….er telling him how to fix it when he looked at me, put up his hand and said, “Stop! Let me fail.” I was thunder struck. Whether or not that cake failed is not life changing but him taking responsibility for its failure or success is life changing. Let go of the reins.

 

  • Communicate your expectations. One of the participants at the workshop suggested she go home and tell her sons about her new insight. If she doesn’t communicate that she is letting go of her expectations, he might feel like she is abdicating. There were several in the audience who talked about a parent who had essentially abdicated their parenting if a child did not follow the path the parent wanted (you know…doctor, lawyer, good college education, etc.). I remember telling my son after a poor semester at school, that I loved him no matter what he did. I didn’t want him feeling like he had to stick to something in exchange for my love. Unconditional love needs to be communicated.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world and is complicated, as in my case, when you are separated with the parent you had that child with. Model happiness for your children instead of measuring their success against unrealistic expectations. You will be happier in the end as well.

Narcissism in the workplace. And what to do about it.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It’s that feeling you get when you walk into Abercrombie & Fitch. You lose your swagger. You feel too fat, too tall, too…. fill in the blank. You are just too, too much. A flood of insecurity sweeps over you. So you go buy that perfume your friend wanted and run out as quickly as possible. Or maybe you turn heel and figure out a different present that is sold in a less narcissistic environment. Rite-Aid perhaps or Target.Narcissism in the Workplace

This reminds me of the scene in “The Devil Wears Prada” when the magazine editor, played by Meryl Streep, interviews her potential assistant played by Emily Blunt.  Meryl says as she looks down at her newspaper, “And you have no style or sense of fashion”, and Anna retorts, “Well, I think that depends…” Meryl cuts in shaking her finger, “No. NO! That wasn’t a question.” Textbook narcissist. Actually a textbook grandiose narcissist!

So apparently in our culture of social media, it’s a breeding ground for narcissism. Think “Selfies”. The postcard for the narcissistic environment. Check out this data from an article called How to Deal with A Narcissist: 5 Secrets Backed By Research, “In data from 37,000 college students, narcissistic personality traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980s to the present, with the shift especially pronounced for women. The rise in narcissism is accelerating, with scores rising faster in the 2000s than in previous decades.” I think you’re going to run into a lot more coworkers who are out to make you feel insecure.

So here is what you do about it:

1. Don’t hire them to begin with. This is actually a tall order. The reason is that narcissists can be so damn charming. An ex of mine is a great example. Every interview he went on, he got the job. He was confident. Attractive. What’s not to love? Narcissists, especially the grandiose kind, are so confident and self-assured in an interview, they always get the job. There is not a doubt in the candidate’s mind that they can do the job, so the interviewer buys in and wants to hire them. If you aren’t sensing an ounce of humility; or if all they talk about is how, “I did this…I accomplished that”; instead of, “We did this and we did that” – You’ve got yourself a narcissist; and pass.

2. Kiss up. As written in Am I the Only Sane One Working Here, by Albert Bernstein, “There is no way around this. If you want to communicate effectively with narcissists, you have to admire them, their achievements, and their toys as much as they do. Typically, this won’t require any great effort. They’ll be more than happy to come up with reasons to congratulate themselves.” I’ve suggested this to co-workers that complain about an arrogant peer. They roll their eyes and say, “No way”. Why add to their ego? Yes, but you will have an ally. And if it happens to be your boss? You probably don’t have a choice.

3. Zip your lips. Criticizing a narcissist is their kryptonite. You criticize them and you will have an enemy for life. You have now damaged their carefully crafted image. This is known as the “narcissist injury”. They perceive themselves as some sort of superior genius that entitles them to special treatment wherever they go. So, at the first sign of the possibility of narcissistic injury, they become arresting, antagonistic and detached. Mortally wounded, they take flight into a fantasy of grandiosity and they become fixated on getting revenge. You don’t want to light that fuse! Keep your mouth shut.

4. Give them avenues to show off. If you have fallen into the trap of hiring a narcissist, make sure you are giving them avenues to get attention for skills that align with the company goals. They, after all, are compelled to be competitive. Make sure that they are compelled towards group goals that will let them shine. You will frequently see narcissists show up as salespeople for this reason. They want the attention, and in sales, that aligns with the company’s goals.

5. Keep them from infecting others. Vulnerable narcissists are skilled at making others feel unworthy. Think of the coworker who gives you the once over when you come in wearing your new suit but fails to acknowledge or compliment it. Their insecurity is making you feel insecure. This is an important insight from Dr. Whitbourne in Psychology Today, “Being able to detect insecurity in the people around you can help you shake off the self-doubts that some people seem to enjoy fostering in you. Taking the high road, and not giving in to these self-doubts, may also help you foster feelings of fulfillment.” Don’t let the vulnerable narcissists in your workplace infect the place with insecurity.

6. Keep the standards reasonable. Both vulnerable and grandiose narcissists are really good at complaining about the poor standards around them (because they are just too good for them). The company leadership needs to make sure that they don’t have standards that start creeping up to the unreasonable standards the narcissists want to set. If you let them loose, pretty soon everyone will be jumping through insurmountable hoops and productivity will come to a standstill. If someone is complaining about the standard, make sure they are attainable.

As I write this, I am suddenly realizing how many past co-workers were narcissists and how detrimental they were to the companies they worked for. It takes a strong leader to reign in a narcissist especially one in a leadership position. Oh and if you want to find out if it might be you (actually if you are a narcissist, why you are even reading this)? Take this free assessment. Full disclosure, I was a 7 out of 40.

Take a Leap. Why Risk Aversion is Holding You Back.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

You don’t take the promotion because you think you might fail. You don’t break out to start your own business because you’ll surely lose your house. You don’t sign up for the conference because you don’t know San Antonio and don’t want to travel alone.Leap

This thinking is holding you back. You are being lulled into status quo mode. Your brain skews towards survival and it wants you to fear anything that is not status quo. This was important when there were Sabre-tooth Tigers and poisonous berries in abundance. Survival is a good thing but stagnation is not. Being risk averse is holding you back.

So here are some ways to take the leap:

1. Focus on potential. As Margie Warrell wrote in her Forbes article, “We tend to focus more on what might go wrong – what we might lose or sacrifice – than what might go right. Because what we focus on tends to magnify in our imaginations, it causes us to misjudge (and over-estimate) the likelihood of it occurring.” So if you feel like “you are horrible at taking tests” then you are likely to be in the mind set to fail the test. It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Focus on what can go right.

2. Question your heuristics. We rely on “heuristics” to figure things out. These are based on your own experience. So if I have driven from San Francisco to LA successfully 20 times and then one time I take a flight, it has engine trouble; my “availability heuristic” then makes the decision based on my experience that it’s safer to drive to LA. In a 2013 study by Research in Transportation Economics, “A person who was in a motor vehicle for 30 miles every day for a year faced a fatality risk of about 1 in 12,500. Relative to mainline trains, buses and commercial aviation the risk was 17, 67, and 112 times greater, respectively.” So I really should be getting on a commercial airplane. Investigate and question your heuristics.

3. Relax. Setting up parameters can help. As Sarah Chang wrote in Muse, “Before you jump into the deep end, consider buffering your risk by setting some boundaries for yourself. One way to do this is to have a timeline. Set aside a certain number of months, and in those months, be relentless. Give it 120%. But if, at the end, there’s still no sign of promise, give yourself permission to move on.” I remember the first restaurant I was an owner of in Albuquerque, NM. I worked really hard for a year but we just couldn’t turn it into a profitable business. So we closed the doors. It was my first taste of entrepreneurship but it failed. I learned a lot but at the end of one year. Done. Life goes on.

4. Have a bias toward action. It’s easy to discount the cost of status quo. I remember a job I had where my boss had done some underhanded things. I had a really big salary. I also had a really big mortgage. But the cost of staying was killing me internally. I was stressed out and my quality of life was miserable. As Warrell writes, “We come up with excuses for why sticking with the status quo is a feasible option; why playing safe and not putting ourselves at risk of failing or looking foolish is ‘sensible.’” In reality, things that aren’t working out well for us now only tend to get worse over time, not better, and issues remain unaddressed in our relationships and lives tend to grow larger, not smaller.” Once I found a job that was willing to move me and my family, I took it. Patience is a virtue but inaction over time will set you back.

5. Speak up. I remember my first job out of college. I was working in Manhattan and had 25 employees reporting to me. We worked some of the employees 60-80 hours a week. We did not pay them overtime. I knew better but I was afraid to speak up. It was my first real job and I didn’t want to anger my boss. When you don’t speak up, it causes resentment. I had a story in my head that she would fire me if I spoke up. Instead, I paid for it with sleepless nights and the knowledge that I let my employees down. My risk aversion held me and my employees back. Now? I speak up. It might be uncomfortable, it might be scary, but it’s empowering in the end.

As I write this, I realize that I’m more of a risk taker than most. I’ve moved coast-to-coast twice, I’ve owned four businesses and I’ve traveled to three continents. It’s exhilarating. I recently found an opportunity to travel to Paris which has been on my bucket list since the age of 13. I leapt. I’m studying French feverishly and setting out a plan. Where risks are you not taking?

5 Reasons to Cut Your Employees Some Slack.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Remember the first time you were in charge?

Someone promoted you to supervisor or lead or manager or Chief French Fry Cooker. You were then Chief PooPaw and everyone had to bow to your desires. You promised to make sure that everyone on your watch had their nose to the grindstone! And you, the Chief, would squeeze your direct reports to death to make sure you had the greatest productivity.

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Not so fast.

There is recent evidence that holding the reigns too tightly on your employees might be the worst thing you can do for their productivity. Happy employees make for more productive employees and, in turn, more profitable businesses. I’m not suggesting you have a daily corn hole tournament but cutting your employees some slack might just get you that next promotion. Validation and empowerment are the secret sauce to success. Don’t you want to be acknowledged for your efforts and know that you can make a difference? So do your employees.

So what are the reasons? Here they are:

1. Short breaks actually rejuvenate employees to be more productive. This was found in a study at Baylor University. Emily Hunter and Cindy Wu looked for ways to enhance breaks. The employees who were studied who completely left their work (i.e. not multi-tasking) and were permitted to use their time to engage in activities like social networking or meeting with friends’, experience greater recovery. I knew a manager who unilaterally I outlawed breaks. Anecdotally, I found that her employees were less productive, called in sick more and generally had lower morale. Make sure your employees have time for breaks.

2. Give employees autonomy. This is one of the main drivers from Daniel Pinks’ book, Drive. From the age of two, you exercised the right to say “No.” Your employees have the same need. They want to be able to choose. And being able to choose means being able to say, “Yes or No.” I’m not talking about insubordination. I’m saying that if your assistant wants to do the report in Access versus Excel, give him the autonomy to decide. When your employee decides on the best avenue for success, they will have been brought in and make sure it’s a success.

3. Stay away from working lunches. Employees are most restored when they actually get out of the building. Staying at one’s desk and plodding through some project will invariably lead to poor quality. Even thirty minutes outside of work can help you focus better when you return. Some employees may feel like they have to work at their desk during lunch from a work culture standpoint. Be the manager who is making sure that Jane has left her desk for lunch. As a consequence, you will get better quality end products from Jane.

4. Give your employees the tools to be more productive. I have facilitated Franklin Covey’s 5 Choices to Extraordinary Productivity. After learning how to fully utilize Microsoft Outlook in the class, employees reported being 50% more productive and the main reason was how they used Microsoft Outlook. With a clear understanding of how to use the Outlook tools (there are hundreds), I can tell you that when they reported back to me sequentially after 5 weeks, 2 months and 4 months they were much less stressed out. Who do you think is more productive? A stressed out employee or a knowledgeable, trained employee? Right.

5. Understanding the SCARF model. As developed by David Rock, the SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness) model shows that when an employee is in the same room as their boss, they immediately have a fear reaction. Fear is not good when it comes to productivity. Your employee is in the back of their head or in their “lizard” brain as it is frequently referred to. You want to make sure that you have your employee working in the front of their brain or the prefrontal cortex. This means you need to make clear instructions and then get out of the way. The more you pester or micromanage, the worse your employee will do.

I have found in my career as a manager that, the most difficult thing is to get your manager to loosen the reigns on employees. I hear manager’s say that “if you want it done right, do it yourself”. Not delegating in the long run is a career killer. Empowered employees end up making you look good. Loosen the reigns and watch everyone grow. What has been your experience?

7 Surprising Upsides to an Empty Nest.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

They are gone. The last kid is safely back at college. The extended family back in their appointed homes. And the silence is deafening.

My daughter’s laugh is infectious and nothing makes her laugh more than playing Super Mario Brother’s with her brother. One minute they are laughing hysterically and the next they are bitter rivals. This is the magic of the holidays. Sibling rivalries reignited. My son insisting that there was only one night to set up the Christmas tree with his sister (family tradition) so they stayed up on Thanksgiving night putting the tree together to surprise me in the morning. It’s amazing that the act of service is so much more important than getting a new Rolex. My Christmas was made that morning when I walked out and the tree was light up and decorated with all milestones of my two kids. Think about how this applies to work. Making sure you get your annual budget in on time or perish the thought “early”. Your coworkers will appreciate the service as opposed to a new company logo t-shirt.

Two weeks ago we couldn’t find enough chairs in the house. Eating breakfast was in shifts or sitting on the couch balancing a plate on one knee. The dishwasher ran three times a day. The bustle and hub bub hummed. Visiting with nieces, I see at best, once a year. Catching up and reminiscing over childhood stories with my two older brothers. Looking at photos from the trip to Minnesota where my history loving father was in search for evidence of Vikings and the fabled Kensington stone. Countless photos of three awkward looking kids pointing at mooring holes that could have been left by Leif Erickson. Criticism of my mother for her taste in children’s clothes and haircuts. Good fun. And now it is silent. Even the dishwasher is silent along with the dog.

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So now that the nest is officially empty, I have discovered some surprising gifts in its wake:

1. I have my dog to myself. I don’t have to share my dog, Baci’s, affection anymore. It’s all about me. She happily follows me from folding clothes, to writing in my office, and most importantly, to the kitchen in the hopes I will drop something. I have to admit I was getting jealous of her divided attention for the past few weeks. Do you have resources at work that you have to share? Make sure that when you have them back to yourself that you are showing them the gratitude.

2. There is space in the fridge again. I don’t need to be stocking whole milk for my son, Almond milk for my lactose intolerant daughter and buttermilk for an army load of pancakes. I can easily find things again. Including a cream container that was 6 weeks past expiration. Whew. Similarly, it’s such a relief to have last year’s files moved to storage.

3. I sleep through the night. My son is terrific at accomplishing all kinds of chores. I appreciate him taking out the garbage, emptying the dishwasher and creating culinary confections in my kitchen. The issue is that he does these chores in the wee hours of the night. Like 3 or 4 AM late. Invariably I hear the clang of pots or see the light under my door. Now, I finally have my sleep back.

4. No more midnight rides to Cook-Out. Every time my son is home, he has to commandeer my car for midnight or 2 AM runs to Cook-Out. It’s a local restaurant chain that is not available in Miami, where he goes to school. I know this by the telltale signs of a Cook-Out Styrofoam cup on the counter and my car seat on too much of an incline when I get in my car.

5. My kitchen counters are clear. My children seem to have amnesia when it comes to the location of the dishwasher and the garbage can. There has not been a change in the location of these items since we have lived in this house for almost 14 years. My morning was spent putting empty cups in the dishwasher and empty packaging in the garbage. Now I can rest assured that the counters are clear when I rise in the morning. It’s like moving into a new office, you suddenly know where everything is because you are the one who put it there. A clean slate.

6. We are clutter free. Two adult children and my extended family visiting for my parent’s sixtieth wedding anniversary meant jackets, laptops, phone chargers, cameras, shoes, coffee cups and two rental cars to jockey around. I lost my coffee cup and water glass several times. Now the Christmas clutter is all packed up (thanks to my amazing son who packed it all up in the dead of night!) and I know where my water glass is.

7. Silence. It can be deafening. But now that everyone is gone, there is a bit of Zen in the air. Peace. Time for reflection. Time to write. Getting my groove back. Think about spending some time just reflecting. Close the door to your office and just ponder.

We had a terrific family celebration and holiday. It was wonderful to connect with extended family and even better to laugh at old photos from our childhood and watch the faces of our kids as we relived family trips and occasions. But now that it’s all in the books? I’m happy to get back to the empty nest and ready to embark on 2016.

5 Reasons Coaching Works

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You don’t need any help. In fact, help is a four letter word. You’re an adult. You have it all together. You might be a bit overwhelmed and distracted but you still get your stuff done. Maybe not all the stuff and maybe you don’t know why you do some of the stuff you do. And you might be exhausted trying to be all things to all people but…you certainly don’t need a coach.

Yep. I thought the same thing. Needing a coach is like accepting that you can’t handle your own stuff. What I found, surprisingly, is that if you are working with a trained coach (not some charlatan without credentials) you get to actually work on your own stuff. I remember about 4 months ago; I was going through an enormous transition. I couldn’t sleep. I was on a cycle of constant rumination and worry. Yes, a complete stress case. I was stressing out my entire immediate family.

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I phoned a friend. A coach friend. She asked me some thought provoking questions. I finally started having some insights into my situation. The clouds started to part. Blue skies started peeking through. Luckily I had a session scheduled with my coach the next day. She asked me to visualize my perfect outcome. I saw butterflies raising me up from my shoulders. I let go of the worry. I let go of the dread. I was free and the storm had passed. The reason I’m telling you this is that; I could not have done that on my own. As I said to my friend, “you just can work on your own $%&@!” I have coached hundreds of people through their stuff, but I can’t work on my own stuff.

These are the reasons why coaching works:

1. Reflection back. When a coach notes and mentions that you’ve said the word “Money” eight times in the last fifteen minutes, it can be surprising. The coach didn’t say the word “money” eight times, you did. Wow. Really? Hmmm. I wonder if I might be hung up on money. Ya think? Or when a coach says, ” I don’t hear a lot of energy in your voice. Why is that?” A good coach reflects back your own thinking. Even if you stand in front of a mirror and talk to yourself, you will not hear the nuances that a coach hears.

2. Being deeply heard. Everyone runs around with a basic need of being deeply heard. Your partner might be a good listener but they’ve also heard you tell that story about not being picked for the kickball team fifty times. A coach is not tied to your outcome. When I was going through that crisis several months back, my husband couldn’t handle the stress of me talking about my stress. He’s vested in my future and our futures are intertwined; a coach is just vested in me and my thinking. They are there to listen. To find themes. To bring out the metaphors. My coach coaxed out the butterfly metaphor and it still resonates with me. She heard me. Deeply.

3. They don’t have an agenda. This is the main caveat of an ICF certified coach. Coaches do not control the agenda. They’re not worried about me making the mortgage payment or if I should sign up for a marathon or not. Without an agenda, a coach lets you call the shots. I think this is the single biggest distinction between a coach and a mentor or consultant. I have clients ask me frequently, “Cathy what should I do?” My answer is, “What are your thoughts about it?” It’s freeing to make your own decisions. If you make the decisions; you are going to follow through on them.

4. No attachment to the outcome. I can remember when I first started coaching. Let’s say the client wanted to quit smoking. When we met for our next session, they hadn’t taken any of steps they said they would take to quit. I would feel let down. Now, I’ve learned to let go. If it’s not important to the client, then it’s not important to me as a coach. I’m just helping them sort out what’s important and what’s not. Whatever outcome they want is what I want. They are driving the train, not me.

5. You cannot have insights on your own. Good coaching creates new pathways in your brain. Coaches are able to make connections between the thoughts you are having. I remember bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t being compensated enough for a gig I was doing. My coach said, “So you’re saying that the only thing you are getting out of it is money?” I suddenly realized that the gig had all kinds of upside besides the money like connection, camaraderie, and the opportunity to share. That was an insight for me that I know I wouldn’t have had on my own.

Coaching is all about you doing your best thinking; setting the space and time aside to really look at what direction you are headed. In the busyness of life, it’s so easy to lose track of what you value, where you are headed and, most importantly, how you want to get there. Coaching is a very viable answer.

6 Surprising Reasons to Quit Sugar.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You walk into your colleague’s office and grab a starburst from his candy bowl. You grab a donut from the reception desk. You have a free drink from Starbucks so you decide to treat yourself to a Venti Peppermint Frappuccino. You have just entered a sugar induced roller coaster and it’s affecting your life in many unseen ways.

I recently read the book, The Big Fat Surprise by Nina Teicholz. In the book she makes the case for keeping animal fats including butter and cheese in your diet and points to sugar as being the real culprit of an overweight society. I digested that for a few weeks and finally started to take sugar and simple carbs (bread, pasta, and my much beloved pizza) out of my diet. I started with breakfast. I used to eat a high fiber cereal and a flavored yogurt. It’s virtually impossible to find cereal without any sugar and flavored yogurt has as much sugar as a hot fudge sundae. And I was eating that every day. I decided to make a smoothie from frozen berries (without any added sugar), raw almonds, whole Greek unflavored yogurt and chia seeds. The most important thing was to not have a sugar spike that would creep up on me two hours later causing me to feel hungry. I also abandoned all fake sugar like diet drinks and sweetener because it’s still tricking your head that there’s more food coming which causes hunger down the road.

Sugar Free at last

After the breakfast changes, I started eating arugula and cheese for lunch. The first few weeks were just like quitting smoking for me. Headaches, fogginess, sweating and chills. All from quitting sugar. Makes me think we might need rehab centers for all the after effects! I survived it, and now, some 4 months later, my sugar addiction is long behind me.

But you’re wondering why you should even go through the hassle. Here are the unexpected benefits:

1. My mind is sharper. Once I came out of the fog of addiction, my mind is much more focused. I sit down to complete a project or task or writing a blog post like this, and I have complete focus. I’m not getting up to grab a cookie from the pantry or rummaging through the fridge for a yogurt pick me up. As Rick Foster wrote in his article for the Huffington Post, “I’m aware of being far more able to focus on a task and get it done. My tendency toward distraction has reduced dramatically. What I would now describe as jittery, nervous energy after big doses of sugar through the day, has been replaced by a sense of focused calm.” This for me was the biggest surprise.

2. I sleep better. I don’t know why but I sleep much better. I used to wake up with night sweats due to menopause but this has subsided dramatically since going off sugar. I go to bed at 9 or 9:30 and drop off immediately to sleep and wake up at 5:30 usually without an alarm.

3. I’m more adaptable. I don’t understand this at all but I feel like a last minute crisis doesn’t rattle me as much. Maybe because I’m not going up and down in glucose spikes but I roll with the punches much more easily. And I am able to fit in tasks when before I would have procrastinated. So let’s say I need to get an article done in the next 10 minutes or wait until later. I try and get done what I can get done in the next ten minutes. Before I would have sat on my phone going through Facebook notifications instead of tackling the task.

4. I’m rarely hungry. I can go 6 to 7 hours without food. I remember a health coach instructing us that even if you have that one piece of chocolate or mint, it turns you metabolism on and your body immediately starts calling for more. When I eat protein rich foods like eggs and bacon, I rarely want to over eat. I eat what I want and don’t think about food again. I lost 20 pounds without starvation. I have to say I never expected this.

5. I have less inflammation. I walk every day. It used to be I would start up the hill of my driveway and I would feel pain in my joints like my hips and knees. About a month after not eating sugar, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t in any pain any more. I used to have bursitis in my hips and shoulders that required cortisone shots or physical therapy. There has been no need ever since giving up sugar.

6. I have energy throughout the day. I used to dread being the afternoon speaker on a team off-site roster. Now it’s no big deal. As long as I’m not binging on potato chips and chocolate chip cookies or downing a Pepsi at lunch, I’m coasting along on an even keel without any fog or sleepiness.

This post is the perfect example of my non-sugar lifestyle. My son is home for the holidays and last year I would have pestered away the morning waiting for him to get ready to go out to the store. But instead I have proactively written the post and feel accomplished before 10 AM. I’m not saying it’s easy to give up sugar and you definitely feel the barrage of sugar exploitation every time you are in the checkout line for the first few weeks but once you are free? It’s life changing.

4 Surefire Steps to Help You Quit Judging People.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I know you’ve done this. You’ve walked into Wal-Mart and have seen some atrocious outfit that is two sizes too small on an overweight woman or man. You roll your eyes and suddenly don’t feel so bad that you didn’t put on lipstick before heading out to shop on a Saturday morning. You’re at least presentable. Or, you’re reading a company email and notice someone’s name has been misspelled. You smugly fire off an email to the offending author to point out their error. You feel you have one over on everyone else. You are mentally making the case for your own superiority. It’s nice to be you. You get to be Judge and Jury to all the “lessers” gliding by. The problem is that it saps your energy and puts you into what the Arbinger Institute calls “a heart at war.” When you judge others you are ticking off the ways that they are not perfect. The gain is fleeting, the long term affects are that you start judging yourself as well. You are seeking perfection in everyone, especially that person in the mirror. I can remember asking my husband if I was as fat as another woman walking down the street. Like, as long as I’m not as fat as that woman, then I’m better than. You end up in a constant state of comparison.

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I recently read The Anatomy of Peace, by the Arbinger Institute. It’s a great read as it is written as a story instead of being a text book on resolving conflict. The minute the lead character “Lou” starts justifying his feelings and thinks, “…when I betray myself, others’ faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to ‘horribilize’ others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel as myself.” This is me at Wal-Mart. I’m thinking, “Look at how poorly that screaming child is behaving” or “That cashier is incredibly slow” or “Can you believe that family has six kids?” I’m viewing them as objects which means I am so much better. It’s this constant exercise in comparison and justification that is exhausting and closes you off from really relating and connecting with others.

So here are the 4 surefire steps to quit judging others:

1. See others as people. This seems like it should be obvious. But when you really think about it, although you might see that they are living human beings, the minute you discount them in your head, you are turning them into objects. What I try to do instead is think “I wonder how her day is going.” This keeps me from seeing someone as an object and helps me be more empathetic and human I just tried this at Walmart. The cashier was going through the motions ringing up my stuff and I kept trying to make eye contact. I wanted to meet her gaze so I could smile at her. She wouldn’t let me in. I was an object in her eyes. It’s a two-way street and you have to keep to it.

2. They appear just as real to me as I do to myself. I think this is what John Gottman calls “Turning towards.” As Gottman defines it, “A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways like a request for advice or help.” Accepting bids is a way to turn towards others in your life whether they be at work or at home or out in the world. Turning toward at work would be saying something like “yes and” instead of “no” to the idea of a new venue for an event. This is an old improv trick. Improv doesn’t work unless you accept the “bid” from the other person. Saying “no” or “but” is turning away or shutting down the bid.

3. Their cares and concerns matter to me as my own. This is true empathy. If you think about it, how can you be in conflict with a co-worker if their concerns matter to you as much as your own? It’s similar to the CRR Global tenet, “Everyone is right…partially.” Owning that everyone has some truth is critical for progress. It gets you out of digging your heels into your own righteousness. Go out and imagine slipping into your adversary’s shoes and walk around a bit.

4. I actively respond to their humanity. I’ve spoken on this topic at several corporate events. Everyone (I mean everyone) wants to be heard. I can remember the most sickening moment of my life was in a class when I was earning my Master’s Degree. The instructor had me sit in the middle of the room and told me to say something very profound. In the meantime, she secretly told everyone else to turn their backs to me and talk to each other. I felt ill. Marginalized. Small. Insignificant. There was no air in the room. No one was listening. The thing I learned from that experiment is being heard is a basic human need that is about as important as air.

I know this isn’t easy. It’s much simpler to pass judgment on someone. To discount them into an object and roll on. But as the Arbinger Institute says, this is a heart at war and a heart at war is in constant conflict. Open your heart to being a heart at peace and embrace the humanity that surrounds you.

How to Harness the Power of Connection.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

You walk into a store and the cashier is more robotic than friendly. No eye contact; and repeating the same “Have a nice day” with no expression of sincerity. Your coworker is demanding a document that you are sure they already have and this might be the fourth time you’ve sent it to them. It’s easy to get sucked into a malaise of disconnectedness. You start putting up walls and keep everyone at arm’s length. It’s easy to fall into being out for yourself and out of touch with others. And you begin to shut others out.

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I was fortunate to facilitate a team of 65 in the construction business. The theme was Team Dynamics but what it really was about was connecting. Truly and literally standing in another department’s shoes to understand their perspectives and their challenges is an amazingly transformative act. The outcome was magical. I’d say the group was at least 75% men. Men in the rough and tumble world of construction where swearing is encouraged and feelings need to be checked at the door. I have to say I was nervous. Would these guys really buy in? Would they really be able to open their hearts and minds to their teammates? Well, I’m happy to say they did and the end result was powerful.

Here is how to harness the power of connection:

1. It always starts with the team alliance. This is a tenet of CRR Global. It’s basically an agreement of how we want to “be” with each other. As long as there’s clarity and agreement some remarkable things can happen. I worked with a technology team that wanted to make sure that “swearing” was encouraged. As long as everyone is on board, then swearing can be encouraged. It could just as easily have been respect or openness or confidentiality. You just need to be clear about how you want the team to be together and starting off a meeting or project or team dynamic session should always have an alliance. I have to say that during the facilitation with the construction company, I had to remind them a few times that “respect” was on the alliance. When ground rules are set, people are more likely to participate.

2. First seek to understand. This is habit 5 from Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In a nutshell, this is all about active listening. It’s not listening until I can get a word in edgewise. It’s not biting my tongue until I can impress you with my retort. It’s seeking to understand. It’s about being open and non judgmental. In a room full to the brim with 65 people, they all listened attentively to each other. The knowing head nods. The smile of acknowledgment. How often can you say that?

3. Everyone has a voice. What’s powerful about the “lands work” from CRR Global is that each “land” (department) gets to speak up without any interruption. Each person gets to represent what it’s like in their “land” and there can be no disagreement, no denial. If a project coordinator says “I have to juggle the demands of four superintendents.” There is no denying that. It is that project coordinator’s truth. Their unadulterated voice. It’s powerful to here a co-worker state a truth that you didn’t even realize. Connecting involves everyone having a voice.

4. Stepping into someone else’s shoes. This is the magical part of “lands work.” All the superintendents took a seat while everyone else in the company stood in their “land.” They then spoke on behalf of the superintendents. There was one woman from administration who when she stood in each of the other lands said “I don’t like this land.” She acknowledged how difficult the other positions in the company were. The superintendents were constantly on the road, the business development folks were constantly handling rejection, the project coordinators had to deal with uncooperative sub contractors. And on and on and on. I could see the impact of having the other people who didn’t have your job speak on behalf of your job and suddenly connection was created. They get it. They were able to move on with a new understanding of each other that would not have ever existed without this effort.

5. Making sure there is a take away. In the end, there must be an understanding. What will this group take away from this experience? How can we take this forward? In a nutshell someone said “Empathy.” There is a new understanding that for each of them to be clear what the priority is. An understanding of what the effect they have on others. Some folks wanted an email with a clear subject line, some folks want a voicemail and still others wanted to get a text. The point was they had a new understanding of flexing and adapting to each other because now they understood each other’s perspective.

So I challenge you to be more connected at work. When was the last time you asked the Project Manager what their challenges are and what do they need from other departments to be more effective? Give it a try and sit back and listen. Really listen.

Originally published on Change Your Thoughts on January 8, 2016

6 Ways To Crush The Control Freak Within

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You walk into your kid’s bedroom and start straightening the room. Your spouse suggests eating out and you shut it down because you already have something planned. Your assistant thinks we should move the venue for the offsite and you dismiss it as a bad idea. If it’s not your idea, it’s a bad idea. It’s your way or the highway and it’s exhausting.

Control Freak

I’m crushing my control freak and Thanksgiving was a sure test. Instead of being the Director, stage crew and lead actress, I was a bit part in the most intricate meals to put on during the year. So how did I crush my control freak? Here ya go:

1. They are what they are. In don Miguel Ruiz‘ book, The Mastery of Love, he does a magnificent job comparing your relationship to your loved ones to that of loving a dog. If you own a dog, you don’t try and turn it into a cat. So why do you try and change the people you love in your life into something they aren’t. I’ve asked my husband to walk with me in the morning or meditate. He turns it down every time. So guess what? He’s not a meditator or morning walker. I need to let go of the idea that I can change him. Whew. What a relief. They are what they are. Don’t try and change your dog into a cat or your husband into a Zen Master.

2. Get rid of your agenda. Throw it out. This was incredibly difficult on Thanksgiving. My plan was to not have a plan. No time line. So I was going to relax and let the day play out in a natural non controlled way. My daughter and her boyfriend were driving to the house mid morning. And my son was likely to wake up around noon. No sweat. We will make dinner when we make dinner. This took all my faith and patience as I normally would have been up at 6 AM brining a turkey. But I persevered! Dump your agenda.

3. Be open to new possibilities. Both of my kids are great cooks in their own right. My son has been living in Miami and wanted to try two new dishes for Thanksgiving. One was a Colombian dish called Tostones (fried plantains) and the other was Arroz con Coco (coconut rice). This is not typical Graham Family fare for Thanksgiving. But he had already talked to his sister and they were game to give it a try. So I sat on my hands and shut my mouth. So in the middle of my kitchen on Thanksgiving Day were three young adults deep frying plantains, caramelizing coconut milk and cubing up bread for stuffing. Quite the mélange. A delicious mélange.

4. Less is more. If you have ever been to a dinner party at my house you know that I go overboard. I mean 6 different appetizers, 7 sides, two entrees and 4 luscious desserts overboard. Overkill. Overwhelm. And I am exhausted by the end. So this Thanksgiving I embraced less is more. Since my son wanted to make arroz con coco, I didn’t bother bringing up mashed potatoes. “Thanksgiving without mashed potatoes are you kidding me, Cathy?” Yep. No mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. We roll with arroz con coco.

5. Everyone is wholly perfect. This from Ruiz’s book again. My dog is not half perfect. So why do you think your family is half perfect. I don’t need to change or control anyone. I just need to control my thoughts and let go of my judgments. This is not easy and I know I am a work in progress but just looking to come from a place of acceptance is the secret. Reconfigure your thoughts and begin to believe that everyone is wholly perfect the way they are.

6. Believe in everyone else’s wisdom. When I let go of control on Thanksgiving, everyone else (I mean even the dog) shined. They were all invested. They were all playing their parts and working together like a well oiled machine. This was the first time ever that I gave up the reins of control and everyone rose to the occasion. But you have to believe that they can rise to the occasion. You can’t start thinking about the time your son burnt the pancakes or when your daughter messed up the macaroni and cheese. Have faith and it will find you.

I remember when I initially suggested have the kids make the meal on Thanksgiving, my husband raised one eyebrow and said, “Really?” and I said, “Yeah, don’t you think they can do it?” and he said “I’m not worried about them. Can you let go of control?” So I guess you could say that he threw down the gauntlet. Well I did it. Now so can you.

Originally published on Change Your Thoughts on December 6, 2015