The New Normal

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

My husband, dog and I are two weeks into our new normal. The first phase of the new normal was living in our house without HVAC for three weeks after the flooding from Hurricane Matthew.  In retrospect, it wasn’t that big of an adjustment.  The second phase of our new normal is living in a one bedroom in-law unit that our wonderful neighborhood friends offered us for the next few months.  Well, this new normal has been quite the adjustment for all three of us.  More so than I ever anticipated.  Yet, how do you really anticipate limbo, change, or uncertainty?  You can’t.

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I feel compelled to preface this post with – I’m aware that this is a first-world problem.  We have running water, a hot shower and a private bedroom to sleep in.  We are not terminally ill.  We still have a home to hopefully return to in a few months.  For this, I am extremely grateful.  In other words, I know it could be a lot worse.  But there is a toll being taken each day we are in our new normal.  On the other hand, there are many blessings that fuel us forward.

 

My learnings from the new normal:

 

  • Be open to learning.  Our normal weekend breakfast is bacon and eggs.  I have become accustomed to baking bacon in an oven for the last few years.  We don’t have a conventional oven in our temporary kitchen.  I have had to learn how to make bacon the old-school way on an electric  cook top in a skillet (I’m am a hard-core gas flame lover).  I have burnt the first five attempts of bacon that my husband contently ate without complaint.  This morning?  I finally made perfectly crisp bacon without burning.  The satisfaction of learning to adapt is tremendous.  I could have thrown in the towel and eaten at IHOP for the next twelve plus weekends.  But I was open to adapting my approach and a perfectly home cooked breakfast in our little home was quite satisfying.

 

  • Have something old.  It’s nice to have something just like home.  For my husband and me, it’s our coffee maker and coffee.  We really like strong black coffee made from French roast beans.  Even though there is a coffee maker in our temporary home, we brought our tried and true Capresso coffee maker with a thermal carafe.  This very small piece of our old normal makes me look forward to waking up in the morning.  Something to tie us to the old and the new.  Nothing to adjust to, except for the coffee cups.  One common thread that makes the day just that much better.  Keep something from the past as you move forward.

 

  • Accept what is different.  There is no changing what is.  Acceptance is the only way through.  Our dog Baci barks insanely when we leave or arrive.  This is out of character for our loving little dog.  The thing is that there are about 5 homes that border our new place.  Each has its own set of dogs.  We didn’t have any neighboring dogs at our house.  She is trying to maintain her new territory by protecting us.  I was and am still a little stressed as I arrive home or leave for work.  But accepting that this is Baci’s new normal and understanding that she is just trying to protect us in her own small way, requires we accept it as love and move on.

 

  • Sharing.  When you go from living in about 3000 square feet of space down to 700, some compromises must take place.  My husband used to play music in his office first thing in the morning.  He now works at his computer in silence.  I didn’t ask him.  He just put my needs first.  I wait until he is finished with the computer before I jump on to do my work.  He only has a few hours in the morning to sit at a desk and use the computer, so I’ve adapted to let him have his time.  We have to tag team a lot more on basics like laundry, washing dishes, and taking care of the dog.  Sharing has brought us closer, as there is a new appreciation for each other’s needs and space.

 

  • Make it ours.  My husband did an incredibly sentimental thing by bringing the picture I bought for our anniversary over to the new place.  It’s a picture of a tree scrawled with our name and date of our wedding.  It really makes it more our home rather than a temporary spot.  I bought flowers at the grocery store to bring life and beauty to the new space.  We brought a plant from the house and put it in the window above the sink.  We are trying hard to make it our home rather than a transient space.  It makes it more comfortable and familiar.  We are making it ours.

 

This adaptation has taken some time.  We are slowly settling into the new normal.  Being grateful for each other and our own little resistance to change has been enlightening and powerful.

Coping with Overwhelm

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You found out you didn’t follow procedures for sending the secure email and now the entire process needs to be restarted.  Again.  You didn’t double check your suitcase and forgot your cell phone charger AND your asthma prescription for your week-long business trip.  Ugh.  You finally decide to refinance your home and the list of items you have to complete is daunting.  Sigh.  You are in the throes of overwhelm and it can be paralyzing. Whoa!

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My husband, dog and I have been in the middle of The Bureaucracy of Overwhelm after our home was flooded a few weeks back.  Moving out, moving into temporary housing, contacting FEMA, SBA, our Insurance Company, Mortgage Company, Contractor, Debris Bins…the list is overwhelming.  Endless. Ceaseless.  I am not saying that I have handled this without any stress or crying, but the coping is getting easier.

 

So this is what I have learned about coping with overwhelm:

 

  • As Creighton Abrams famously said, “How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.”  I had three (yes, three!) clients have this exact same insight this week.  One was refinancing a home, another was planning on selling a home and a third was working on a big project.  We all cope with the overwhelm of a big project.  It’s so important to break it down.  I felt like the universe was giving me a hint with the three separate clients all quoting the same quote.  I learn more from their insights than my own.  So what did I do?  I focus on one agency a day.  FEMA one day, SBA the next, the mortgage company the day after that.  It’s too overwhelming to deal with all of them at one time.  Break it down into manageable pieces.

 

  • So what do you do if your routine was to meditate and take a 30-minute walk before the flood?  You need to be meditating and taking a 30-minute walk after the flood.  Even if you are in a new place, and you don’t know where you want to walk or what space you want to meditate in, figure it out.  Develop and adapt to get your routine back in place.  We’ve been living in temporary housing for exactly a week and I finally used this fabulous routine that my friend Susannah recommended called “Qi Gong: 7 Minutes of Magic (for Health).”  I had been using it every morning pre-flood.  Now I need to add it back into my routine post-flood.  It is magic.  Put your routine back together to help alleviate the stress of overwhelm.

 

  • For the past year, I have been trying to move from scarcity to abundance.  I had committed to golfing in a charity golf tournament pre-flood, but had not yet written the check.  The tournament was a week post-flood.  I wavered.  A hundred and fifty dollars is a hundred and fifty dollars.  But I was coming from a place of abundance.  “I always have money coming my way.”  I wrote the check.  We played and had a great time.  It felt so much better than cowering at home gnashing my teeth, hoping for an insurance adjuster or FEMA representative to show up.  Fire up your internal flame for abundance.

 

  • It’s amazing how we are surrounded by wonderful, caring people.  We have had countless offers of support, whether it was moving debris, moving out, financial help, offers of temporary housing and even gift cards for dinner.  I knew that everyone was supportive, but when there is a disaster and there are so many that are worse off than us (at least we had a roof over our head for the first few weeks post-storm), it is humbling to receive so many offers of  help and support.  Being grateful is a much better space for me to be in mentally than the “Why did this happen to me?” headspace.  Remain positive and you’ll reduce the overwhelm.

 

  • I really could not have survived all the overwhelm without the love and support of my family.  My husband and I are constantly taking stock of each other.  “I couldn’t do this without you.”  “I love you so much for being there.”  “I can’t believe you took care of the debris bin.”  My son drove all the way from Miami to help us move out and my daughter came home to move her belongings after being ill.  My husband has gone from a king size bed to a queen.  Two bathrooms to one.  His own office to sharing a computer in our living room.  They went above and beyond out of love.  Love helps me cope.

 

As my husband said yesterday, “I’ve never gone through anything like this.”  I responded by giving him a big hug.  I recognized the experience of feeling overwhelm but getting through it together…..priceless.

Freedom to Choose

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve been reading Paul Selig’s book, The Book of Knowing and Worth.  He posits that we are free to choose worth and that no one else can give us worth.  I reflected and realized that I was trying to derive worth from someone else:  my mother, my job, my boss, my spouse, my child.  But it’s just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  It’s all been within in us,all along.  It’s always been there.  Hmmm.  What a concept.

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I run into this a lot with my coachees.  Many are unwillingly, or unknowingly, buying into their thoughts and aren’t able to see that they can choose how they think about things.  You can feel guilty for not visiting your father or you can feel at peace.  It’s so ingrained to feel the guilt.  But what if you were at peace?  I remember asking a client, “Can you choose to think about that differently?” and she responded, “I don’t know.  Can I?”  Yes.  You are free to choose.  So choose well.

Here are ways to choose good thoughts:

  • Authority.  Paul Selig writes that you have the authority to decide if you are worthy.  It places the responsibility to choose your worth on you.  It’s up to you.  You have the magic wand, so go use it.  There is no blaming others for your lack of confidence, your financial short fall or feeling guilty about your ex.  You get to decide if the glass is half empty or half full.  It’s all within your authority.  So go big and be worthy.
  • Quit rehashing.  Have you ever rehashed an embarrassing situation over and over and over and over and over again?  You think, “Why did I say that to my boss?” or “I’m a dummy for not catching that mistake.”  You cannot change the past.  You can change how you look at it.  I love Andy Dooley’s first step to changing negative thoughts.  You say to yourself, “Stop, cancel, clear and get the fear (he uses a graphic four letter “F” word instead of fear) out of here!”  To claim your worth, you need to stop the negative rehashing.
  • Rewire to the Positive.  You may not realize this but you can rewire your bad memories.  Your brain is so malleable that you can think back to the embarrassing singing solo you did in fourth grade and make it a wonderful success.  False memories affect us all.  As Tara Thaen wrote in Time, “The phenomenon of false memories is common to everybody — the party you’re certain you attended in high school, say, when you were actually home with the flu, but so many people have told you about it over the years that it’s made its way into your own memory cache.”  The trick is to rewire the memory by thinking about it anew.  Throw in a standing ovation when you finished your solo and someone handing you a bouquet of roses.  It’s your story.  Make it as great as you like.
  • Mindfulness.  We end up spending a lot of time and effort either living in the past wishing it were different, or planning our future and hoping nothing will go wrong.  The thing is, neither are possible.  Why not be here right now?  Right now.  Stop right now.  Close our eyes.  Take three deep breaths and be here right now.  Feel your big toe.  Feel your ear lobes. This right now is what matters.  Nothing can be done about the past except forgiveness (for yourself and others).  Nothing can be done about the future except for setting a positive intention.  So be here.  Right now.
  • Be open.  We are currently relocated as our home is being repaired from Hurricane Matthew.  My dog, a Brittany Spaniel named Baci, has been an excellent example of openness.  She is not griping about not having her favorite chair to sit in.  She isn’t frozen by my side waiting for me to show her where the squirrels are.  She is out there living in the moment and being open to all things.  The new smells, the new couch, the new sounds, the new neighbors and the eight new dogs that surround where we are living.  As Dorothy figured out, she was always “home.”  Be open.

Choose the positive thoughts.  You have the freedom to choose.

The Danger of Assumptions

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You assume that your boss remembers that you will be out of town on Friday. You assume that your partner remembers that you have a late appointment this afternoon. You assume that your co-worker didn’t include you in the invite because your opinion isn’t needed…or wanted. You assume that the CEO knows that you’ve been burning the midnight oil for weeks to get the financials done. You do it. I do it. We all make assumptions. It’s a dangerous path.

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Left unchecked and unexamined, assumptions can destroy relationships, teams and organizations. Your boss is expecting you at the ad hoc meeting she set up on Friday and is disappointed that you didn’t show. Your partner is angry that she left work early to surprise you at home, only to find you missing in action. You resent your CEO for not acknowledging all the extra work you’ve been doing on the financials. Assuming is easy. It doesn’t take a lot of effort. Just a jump or two. Tying two dots together that really aren’t related. But looking down the assumption path a little further can reveal resentment, lack of trust and undermine your relationships.

Here is what you can do to fix it:

* Clarify. It seems simple to clarify. Obvious, really. But it takes effort. Your brain is hard wired for negativity. You have survived extinction because of this negativity bias, but there are no more saber-toothed tigers chasing you. It is easy to assume that not having been included in the meeting is an intentional slight rather than an oversight. But if you clarify with the meeting organizer that you would like to attend the meeting, if at all possible; or if you proactively tell your CEO that you’ve been working hard on the financials, you change up your personal dynamic. This is clarification and not boasting.

* Listen. Part of the Assuming Process is not actually listening. We ask a question we assume we know the answer to, and then don’t listen. I am so guilty of this. I think I know the answer and as a “show of concern”, I ask the question but never listen to the response. Just a short cut to save time, but so disrespectful. I get distracted by my grocery list or trying to remember if I need to go to the bank,  and never hear the response. It could be the time of the meeting that you assume is at 10, but has been pushed to 10:30. You are smiling and nodding but never connect to the answer. Listen.

* Be open to conflict. Yeah. I know. Most of us are conflict averse. We’d rather hold onto our assumptions than actually step into a conflict. Keep everything copacetic. Keep everyone happy. Don’t rock the boat. As a consequence, the safety issue is never brought up, or the budget short fall isn’t discussed, or your positive assumption he’s flirting with that woman remains intact. I actually recently assumed my husband was flirting with someone. When we actually stepped into the conflict, it turns out he was opening a new account with the restaurant she worked for. I lost some sleep over that assumption. Unchecked, it could have lead us down a completely different path. Step into conflict–you can resolve it.

* Slow down. Part of what fuels an assumption is taking a short cut. If you slow down the pace, you will stay in your prefrontal cortex, where you do your best thinking. When you are in a reactive mode, you’re in the back of your head, where your flight or fight response is. Where you don’t do your best thinking. This is why it’s called jumping to conclusions. Your anxiety is up, your cortisol is pumping and your body is ready to run from the saber tooth tiger. My coach starts off every session with a breath-in for the count of 6 a total of 3 times. Slow down and breath to quit jumping to conclusions.

* Forgive. This can be for yourself, as well as others. As Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” I’ve grappled with this myself. It’s hard to forgive someone for an assumption you created and may have carried for decades. It can be the frenemy who didn’t invite you to the graduation party back in 1979, or the family member who never thanked you for the gift, or even when you continued to meddle in your child’s life. The resentment is hurting you more than them. Take out a piece of paper or journal, and forgive them one and all–even yourself. Forgive early and often.

* Use technology. When I travel out of town now, I send my husband a meeting request with the airline information. I will frequently forget to tell him that I’m going out of town, and this keeps him proactively informed. Give your assistant access to your calendar. It’s still a good idea to inform people but a sure-fire safe guard is to use your technology to keep them informed.

* Be positive. Envision the upside. I recently saw Rick Hanson and his great Ted Talk on the topic “Hardwiring Happiness“. It’s so easy to just decide that we are going to be worry warts for the rest of our lives. The thing is, you can develop a positive brain that lets the worry go. It takes work and practice, but we ALL have the capacity to have more positive reactions. This can help keep harmful assumptions at bay. Build positive pathways in your brain.

This is not accomplished overnight. We are all works in-progress. Even if you just spend 5 minutes a day meditating on what is positive in your life, you can start breaking down the pathways to assumptions. One assumption at a time.

The Aftermath from the Storm: Living in Limbo

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator1 Comment

I wrote about our experience with Hurricane Matthew last week and the flooding of our home.  As I write this, it’s been two weeks since the lake surrounded our house.  My world looking from the outside in “appears” to be normal.  We have lights on.  The trash and debris is slowly disappearing from our front lawn.  We drive back and forth to work.  The water is potable so no more gallon-size containers of water.  I’m at my computer writing and saving via Wifi.  I made our usual Saturday breakfast: eggs and bacon on our stove with gas.  I can recharge my cell phone, watch TV and take a hot shower.  Everything is as it should be.  But it’s not.

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My husband and I have been riding the tumultuous waves of limbo land.  The apex of this was when we found out that we had to move out.  Two of our neighbors had moving trucks the day after the storm; carpet mounded on their front lawn and in debris bins.  I thought to myself, Well, that won’t be us, we can soldier through.  But after the contractor gutted the sodden insulation and ducts from under our house, I realized we couldn’t stay in our house anymore.  There is no HVAC.  There can’t be HVAC until all the sodden floors are taken out.  The sodden floors can’t be taken out until someone, hopefully the insurance company or FEMA, sends us a check.  Gulp.  It was fine to live in a house without HVAC as long as it was sunny with a high of 80 degrees.  It’s another story when the temperature dips into the 40’s.  So, there it is.  We have to move out.

 

So here is how I’ve been coping with the anxiety of living in limbo:

 

  • Meditation.  There were about 5 days post-Matthew that I wasn’t able to meditate.  I have an app on my phone that needs Wifi and, without Wifi and/or power, I was unable to meditate.  Meditation centers me.  I feel more resilient.  Sudden changes in plans; a zig instead of a zag; accepting disappointment and basic uncertainty are just easier to handle when I am practicing my regular meditation.  After a decade-long meditation practice, I experience a huge shift internally when it’s not in my daily routine.  I quickly get scattered and distracted.  It’s as if the anxiety sucks me in. Being present and mindful for even 10 minutes a day makes a huge difference.  Break out of limbo-land through meditation.

 

  • Break it into pieces.  Part of the issue with being in limbo is that it’s all so overwhelming.  So if you don’t know if the project is going to get the go-ahead; if you don’t know if you should buy groceries for the week, or pack up the entire house…or maybe just the bathroom?  Just break it up into manageable, informed pieces that you can deal with.  Otherwise, it’s all so overwhelming.  I’ve been frozen into inaction before because I didn’t know where to start.  I’m in the middle of setting up a training for two weeks from now.  I was struggling with getting started.  Then I broke up the whole project into units and scheduled 90-minute sections for each unit.  Finally, I have forward progress.  So just call the insurance company.  The next day, just call the bank.  The next day, go on the FEMA website.  Breaking it up makes it not as overwhelming and you finally get momentum and forward progress.

 

  • Take time off.  I know what you are thinking: But Cath, you need to get to work on that house.  Pack up the bathroom closet at least.  Nope.  I serendipitously had a massage appointment the Wednesday after the storm.  I went to the appointment.  I think it saved my sanity.  I needed an escape, and rather than constantly focusing on the house, I really needed to focus on myself.  Yesterday, my husband and I golfed in a charity golf tournament.  We needed a break from the grind of sodden cabinets and mud-coated tools.  It was great to spend time connecting and not caring a whit about the score (or the house).  We needed a break from the House Center Vortex of Anxiety.  When you are living in limbo, take some time off to escape and bring some joy into your life.  The mess, the challenge or project will still be there–you’ll be able to deal with it intelligently.

 

  • Exercise.  I had given up my morning walk.  It was partially due to debris on the road but also because I thought, You don’t have time to take a walk!  The trouble was that by day end, I was exhausted.  I spent all day worrying about a laundry list of items, like when is the HVAC guy coming or where is the plumber and will I be able to be home when he gets there.  More and more limbo creators.  But taking a walk really reduced my stress and helped me center my head.  It was also reassuring to see that other homes in the area were in similar stages of rehabilitation.  Just getting back into my body and out of my head was restorative.  Try and get some exercise to keep the limbo at bay.

 

  • Acceptance.  I’m learning to accept the good and the bad.  I am not in control of whether the power comes back on.  I am not in control of whether the cable starts working.  I am not in control of whether the insurance check shows up today or not.  So just accept it.  I cannot tell you how many times I have said, This too shall pass.  There will be HVAC someday, just not today.  There will be an insurance check someday, just not today.  There is a debris bin where there wasn’t one yesterday.  It’s all good.  It’s all as it should be.  I remember a friend of mine said on Facebook that we were having a house cleanse.  That’s a great way to reframe it.  We are just in the middle of cleansing our house.  Just accepting what is happening.  It’s as it should be.

 

My husband and I are slowly getting out of the fog of limbo-land.  We are starting to get better sleep, getting into a routine and focusing on what we can do instead of what we can’t.  You can do it as well.  Be positive and all will fall into place–as it should be.

Lessons from Hurricane Matthew

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Our home sits perilously close to Lake Wackena.  This results in spectacular sunrises.   Every room has an unhampered view.  I love this house.  We have lived here for 15 years and, outside of losing a tree or two in a hurricane, we’ve had more than a decade of uneventful ownership.  Then came Hurricane Matthew.  The prediction, as it approached from South Carolina, was we’d be facing a tropical depression and ten inches of rain.  In anticipation, the village had lowered Lake Wackena by about a foot.  Plenty of room for those ten inches of rain. The rain started in earnest by about 8 AM.  By 4 PM, the water was lapping over the sea wall.  By 6 PM, the house was surrounded by water.  We escaped to a friend’s house about a mile away on higher ground.  Upon our arrival, the power went out.

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I’ve heard all the stories of Hurricane Floyd and Fran.  I hadn’t lived in Eastern North Carolina and I felt like it was more like folklore than a reality.  But it was my reality now.  It’s amazing how 17 (yes, 17) inches of water in about 16 hours can radically change your life.  You may suddenly need to make a zig instead of a zag, and subsequently take stock in how lucky you really were.

Here are things I took for granted after experiencing Hurricane Matthew:

 

  1. Water.  Fresh, clean tap water is a beautiful thing.  On demand, 24 hours a day.  You can drink it.  Wash dishes, wash your hands, water plants, fill the dog’s water dish, mop the floor.  You can even take a bath.

 

  1. Coffee.  Delicious hot coffee made just to the desired lushness. Fresh and steaming hot. Sitting on your own coach snuggled up with a mug.  Ready at 5 AM without fail.

 

  1. Breakfast.  Eggs, bacon and sausage.  Everything held in a refrigerator waiting to be cooked on your stove or in the oven–whenever you want to make it.  No wait.  No line.

 

  1. Lights.  Available 24 hours a day, whether you need them or not.  You read by it, play your guitar, find things like clothes in a closet, and check to see if the attic is leaking. Or you see where the water shut off to the house before there’s trouble.  After three days of darkness, I’m still instinctively turning on the switch as I head into the bathroom with my flashlight.

 

  1. Toilets.  Here is another luxury that is available 24-7.  No need to bring in buckets of lake water to flush the toilet.  No worries about unsanitary waste.  No diseases running amok.

 

  1. Clean fingernails.  The worst part about cleaning up all the trash and debris in the yard was dirty fingernails.  With clean fingernails, you can put contact lenses in, type on an iPad, or touch your love’s face.

 

  1. Hot shower.  With the help of item #4, you can take a shower at 5 AM or 8 PM.  Grab some soap and shampoo, and you’ve got yourself a clean body free of mud, muck and body odor.

 

  1. Fans.  Fans are a marvelous and appreciated appliance.  They’re great at moving air. They help evaporate water so that mildew is prevented.

 

  1. Ice.  Ice is terrific for all kinds of things.  Keeping food in your thawing refrigerator cold.  Chilling down drinks and water.  In combination with an ice chest, you can keep your food fresh for maybe a week as you wait for power.

 

  1. Solar-powered cell phone charger.  Nuff said.  And my husband was brilliant enough to have it at home.

 

  1. Wi-Fi.  With this lovely invention, you can communicate with practically anyone, anywhere.  This, when paired with #10, can allow you access to fun things like buying stuff, inform the world of your whereabouts and general up-to-date info on the weather.

 

  1. Power.  There are lots of nifty things you can do with power.  Operate computers, televisions, shop-vacs, vacuums, blowers, refrigerators, ovens, dishwashers (in conjunction with #1), CPAP machines, invisible fences (for your dog to roam outside) coffee makers, toasters and water pick.  Pretty nice, huh?

 

  1. Clear roads.  It is shocking to see some of the roads that are impassable in the county where we live.  Whole roads were washed out.  They cannot be fixed in a week or two. I-95 is still impassable a week later.  Yes, the interstate.  How spoiled I was to be able to travel wherever and whenever.

 

  1. Abundance.  The local grocery store finally reopened when they had enough employees who could travel to work (see #13) and food to sell.  I went in looking for a frozen pizza.  The shelves were bare.  When you see a whole aisle of empty shelves in the frozen food aisle, there is the realization of how we take our American abundance for granted.

 

  1. Routine.  For about 4 or 5 days post-flood, I was a wreck.  Poor sleep and ongoing low-grade stress.  Uncertainty was eating at me.  I could barely work, read or write. My brain was in a fog.  The secret to getting back on track was getting back to my daily routine of meditation and exercise.  I’m slowly but surely dampening down my stress, sleeping better and getting my brain cells firing.

 

This has been a life-changing experience.  I am hoping I becoming more resilient from having coped with uncertainty on a day-to-day basis.  But I absolutely know that having the love and support of my husband, dog, friends, co-workers and family is irreplaceable. Gratitude abounds that we were spared the worst.  The weather has been beautiful since Matthew left and am so very grateful I still have a place to call home.

Traits of the Brilliant Leader

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I want to share some concepts from Simon T. Bailey with you.  I had the wonderful pleasure of seeing him deliver a dynamic speech at the North Carolina State Human Resource Conference this past September.  He is one electric speaker.  He exudes energy and passion.  When he spoke of the traits of a brilliant leader, it resonated with me.

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I coach a lot of newly promoted leaders–most of the time, we call them managers.  Until they have the skills to be a leader.  It’s been said that almost anyone can manage.  It’s a unique skill set to know how to lead.  These traits are the attributes that both newly promoted managers and dyed-in-the-wool old school managers need to embrace to get the most out of their employees.  Managers push and poke.  Leaders inspire and engage.

 

Here are the 7 traits that Simon Bailey espoused:

 

  • Being Curious.  Bailey suggested that this trait is really an intellectual curiosity, or “the ability to see what is not yet.”  It is anticipating what might be coming.  This involves daily self-reflection and to be able to see: Where you have been, Why you are here, What you can do and Where are you going.  What about your direct reports?  Do you know where they are headed?  Have you taken the time to think about it? Trust me, they have.  This requires openness and  non-attachment.  Being curious is easier for me than some of the other traits.  My top strength from my Strength Finders assessment is “Lifelong learner.”  I am constantly on the lookout for more opportunities to learn and synthesize.  Be curious.  It will never take you down the wrong path.
  • Presence.  Bailey suggested that the mere presence of a cell phone or laptop at a meeting devalued the other folks at the meeting.  This was a huge wake-up call to me, even if my phone was face down.  He suggested that the mere presence of a device suggests that it was the priority–not the person or the people you were with.  I’m digesting this and trying to figure out how I can practically extract the presence of my phone while maintaining things like calendars and future meeting dates.  But you can see that if you are looking at your phone, you are basically not present for the person or people in front of you.  Presence means shutting down distractions and making the person in front of you the priority, whether it be a customer, employee or friend.  I’ve decided to leave my phone tucked away and out of visual presence, yet available if I need to schedule an upcoming event with the person or people I’m with. Prioritize being present.
  • Connect.  I remember teaching a leadership class some three years ago, and I suggested that every manager should know their direct report’s spouse/partner and children’s names.  Recently, I had a client who set out to learn three personal facts about their direct reports.  For many folks reading this, connecting comes easy.  For others, it feels like prying.  I can tell you that when someone asks me where I am traveling to next or when they say, “I saw you were in Asheville last week” (if they’re following me on Facebook), I am thrilled!  And I feel so acknowledged.  I can’t help but feel connected to that person. It makes a huge difference. Reach out and connect.
  • Consistent.  I can remember working for a boss who was a real hot head.  I never knew which side of hot head would be showing up that day or if the Rules of Engagement would be changing.  As David Rock has espoused, uncertainty puts your direct reports into a State of Fear: “an away state”.  Your direct reports cannot do their best work when they are in a state of fear.  Consistency in the rules and your temperament helps generate a “toward” or positive state.  They are much more engaged for the consistent leader because they feel confident that they know the rules of engagement.  Be consistent.
  • Relationships.  Bailey said, “Relationships are the currency of the future.”  I can remember my commencement speech back in 1983 by then Cornell President Frank Rhodes.  He said that the greatest thing that you are taking with you as you graduate are your friends.  This was very profound.  My relationships with my fellow Cornelians over the last 30 plus years has been one of the most gratifying aspects of my life.  They have been a source of advice, referrals and inspiration.  In addition, I have held onto countless other relationships from work and grad school that have enhanced my life as well.  Be sure to tend to the relationships in your life as they will prove invaluable.
  • Global thinker.  Think beyond your zip code, think beyond where you are.  I can say that since participating with a Mindfulness Coaching group, led by Satyam Chalmers, I have learned a more global perspective.  There were folks from Singapore, Australia and Ireland on the weekly calls.  As a born and bred American, I have and believe we can hold a very myopic view of the world.  The press does influence an American-centered viewpoint.  To be a great leader, we need to look for resources from all ends of the earth, be it products, services or thought processes.  Be global in your thoughts and share it.
  • Authentic Listener.  When I speak at various sites and venues, I frequently have said that the most important desire each of us has is the need to be heard.  Being present is an important part of this.  Regardless of whether your employee is in your office, cubical, gravel pit or service station, you need to pay attention and listen in order to understand.  This entails looking at their body language, the gaze of their eyes, the nuance of a smile or any other human indicator.  Be sure to respond with, “What I heard you say was… and did I get that right?”  It’s ok if you don’t get it right, because they know that you care when you ask for clarification.  Be an authentic listener.

 

You don’t need to have people be your direct reports for all of these traits to be useful.  Whether it’s interacting with your child, your spouse, a volunteer organizer or networker, all of these ideas can come into play.  Take the time to be brilliant–and you will be!

How to have a positive brain

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Your coworker is complaining about their boss and you are sucked in.  You start piling on your own jabs, mistreatments and judgments.  You are cut off on the way to work and you start tailgating the person as payback.  “You can’t push me around.”  You overcook the steak and now you think the entire meal is horrible.  There is too much salt, the beans are limp and the mashed potatoes are gummy.  It all feeds on itself.  The negative outcome of one thing goes wrong and now everything else spirals out of control.  Your brain is wired for a negativity bias and in a world full of terrorism, wicked politics and “if it bleeds, it leads” sensationalized news, it can be catastrophically overwhelming.positive brain.jpg

Amazingly, you can overcome this.  It’s going to take work but it’s fun work.  Your brain is so malleable and elastic that you can actually rewire how you see the world.  You can create a more positive brain and actually become more resilient in the process.  Isn’t that great?  We do not have to be victims of our modern day culture but can be in a happier, more relaxed positive state of mind.  Are you up for this?

Here is how to create a more positive brain:

  • Pay attention to the good thoughts.  When you are having a positive thought like Doesn’t my dog look adorable next to me or I just made everyone at the meeting laugh or My husband is dancing in the doorway to my office.  It’s like catching butterflies, you need to keep your butterfly net at the ready.  Go catch them.  Unfortunately, our negative bias frequently hijacks our brain.  We tune into what is going wrong like the air temperature, the weather or your phone being slow.  So you need to be vigilant in order to catch the good things as they flutter by.
  • Figure out what this experience or memory says about you.  For example, when my dog is lying next to me in my office, I feel loved and appreciated.  When I make everyone at the meeting laugh, I feel like I belong.  When my husband dances in my office doorway, I feel joy and silliness.  As Rick Hanson says this adds and “enriches the experience.”  His analogy is that it’s like adding logs to a fire.  It burns even brighter.  Keep adding logs to enrich and strengthen the great experience.
  • Soak up the positive experience like a sponge.  Rick Hanson turned me onto this and he has a great Ted Talk on the topic: Hardwiring Happiness.  Once you have caught that great experience, observation or memory, dwell on it for a bit.  As Rick says, it can be for only 1 or 2 seconds, but marinate in the positive feeling.  It is amazing how this feels.  I feel my chest and head get warm and a smile starts on my face.  I actually feel the happiness.  Even if for a moment or two.  In a few moments, you have actually fired neurons in your brain and started the process of rewiring.  Isn’t that amazing?  You have taken one small step to rewire your brain in the direction of positivity and happiness.
  • Start a gratitude journal.  I’ve been writing in one for at least a decade.  I write down 5 things I am grateful for and I think about a situation that I turned around to the positive.  For example, if my husband didn’t respond to my text, I figure his phone must be in another room (instead of he is in the ER and can’t answer his phone).  One little reframe a day helps me keep a positive mindset and by acknowledging each reframe each day, I maintain the mindset.
  • Mediation or yoga.  You do not have to silence your self-talk.  This is the biggest misconception about meditation.  A lot of people think that in meditation, you sit quietly and a switch in your head turns off.  It is a practice and it is never perfect.  Okay, so maybe there is a monk or two out there who can turn off their brains, but the rest of us mortals are all working with letting thoughts go.  It’s letting worries go like balloons into the air.  Try it for 3 minutes.  Get an app like Calm, Whil or Headspace.  Most are free, so you can start now.  And why not sign up for a yoga class while you’re at it?  Even a once-a-week yoga session will give you physical benefits, increasing strength and flexibility.  Plus it will help you to reduce stress and have a more positive outlook about your self and the world around you.
  • Turn off the catastrophic messages.  I turned off the news some four months ago.  I don’t have any news apps on my phone.  I TiVo most of the television I watch, so I don’t need to view political ads.  I don’t know if it’s the meditation practice or turning off the news, but I am much more relaxed and positive.  It’s probably a combination of all these steps.  I just notice this one the most.  I was watching a college football game yesterday live on television and all of a sudden I was being bombarded with political ads.  I felt like I was being assaulted.  Negative ads stick more than positive (because of our negative bias), and they were hurling them at me like hand grenades.  I am still informed about the political race and am voting.  I just stay away from the distracting, stress-inducing messages.  It was a relief to go back to my TiVo recorded shows and away from all that negativity.

Being more relaxed and happy has really helped me stay resilient and confident.  This past month, I have had more speaking and facilitation gigs than ever before.  Three years ago, I would have stressed out about each gig and lost sleep over the event.  Now I just take one at a time, imagine the best outcome, and take it as it comes.  I’m a better facilitator because of my positivity practice.  Try it yourself.

Working with the Male Brain

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I bought Michael Gurian’s book What Could He Be Thinking? about three years ago as per the recommendation of another coach.  It sat on the bookshelf until I moved offices recently, when I took notice of it again.  Part of what prompted me to open the book was a YouTube video by Mark Gungor called “Men’s brains versus Women’s brains,” which I had previously posted on my husband’s Facebook page.  It was spot on.  So I decided I needed to start reading the book.  The book is aimed at women who are married to men, but the insights in the book have a lot of value for women who work with, live with and parent men.  Well, I have men in all three categories in my life and the information is pretty useful.

working with the male brain.jpg

I realized that my expectation is that the men in my life should be just like me.  They should be able to express their feelings, empathize with my feelings and, most importantly, be able to understand me.  Well, as my husband has pointed out since I posted that YouTube video on his Facebook wall, my brain is all over the place.  His brain, on the other hand, is as Gungor describes it is: singularly focused in one box or compartment (one box for football, one box for finances, one box for fishing, etc.).  I had no idea.  But then I realized that he can be focused playing Solitaire for hours.  And I mean hours.  I don’t have the patience for that.  But understanding that point is really critical, as well as some of the other important revelations I learned from the book.

So here is how to work with the male brain:

  • Get in front of him.  As Grace Cooley wrote for the elephant journal, “Get in the Same Zip Code.  The reason he doesn’t respond to you sometimes?  Because you haven’t gotten his attention, so that he can switch “boxes” in his brain.  He is not ignoring you.  The way his brain works makes that impossible.”  So this is why when I yell from the kitchen, “Breakfast!”, he does not respond.  Since reading the book, I’ve made a conscious effort to either wait to ask a question, or physically get in the same room.  I have to say I am not as frustrated now.  Instead of feeling as if he’s chosen to ignore me, I am making an effort to connect better.  When possible, try getting into the same zip code.
  • Let him do.  Gurian points out what is “especially confounding to many women is a man’s deep-seated need to be trusted for what he does, not for everything he does or does not say.”  This just happened to me today with my husband.  We were splitting a pizza for lunch and he brought over one of the last two pieces.  My immediate response was, “I’m not eating that.”  What he was doing was being generous and my assumption was that he thought I was still hungry and wanted to overeat.  Like he was fattening me up for Thanksgiving.  All I had to say was, “No thank you.”
  • Do not give advice unless it is requested.  I have been burned by doing this with my son, male co-workers and my husband.  If they haven’t asked how to install a mail box, then, by God, don’t tell your former contractor “MacGyver” husband how to install a mail box.  I swear I did this a few months ago.  Like I know how to install a mail box and he doesn’t.  I’ve tried to tell my son what to do with parking tickets and job hunting.  You can imagine how it all went over.  Resistance and resentment ensues.
  • Be comfortable with silence.  I have learned this when I am coaching or facilitating.  I ask a question and count to 10.  It seems like an eternity, but it gives my clients the space to think and respond.  However, when it comes to talking with my husband or son, I have no such patience.  I want to fill the space with all my wonderful ideas.  When I am with my female friends, we will interrupt each other, never take a breath and rarely feel put out.  The male brain needs to be in the right box before being able to respond.
  • Try to stay focused.  As Gungor says in the video about women’s brains, “Women’s brains are a ball of wire and everything is connected to everything.”  My husband has looked at me smiling and said, “I need some wire cutters.”  This is in response to me bringing up the dinner menu, then immediately switching to discussing an email from a colleague, to “Do you think we should close that account?”  I am constantly guilty of what we like to call in my family “improper segues.”  I go from Alaska to the moon to 7000 leagues under the sea in a matter of two minutes.  I am so jealous of men’s ability to focus.  I’m not saying that there are men who don’t focus and there are women who do or don’t.  It’s just the way the brains of most men and women are built.  I, as a woman, can easily get unfocused.
  • Make appointments.  My son will rarely answer his phone.  He wants an appointed time to talk.  My husband and I had a conflict a few months ago and he said, “We are talking about this Sunday morning.”  This is critical if it is regarding a conflict.  As Cooley wrote, “Men need to be able to switch into the appropriate box or compartment in their brains.  Be kind and give him a chance to do that.  Let him know ahead of time what you want to talk about and set an appointment.  Put it on his calendar.”  The result from our Sunday morning appointment was a revelation for our relationship.  He had the opportunity to think though his side of the conversation and so did I.  If it’s emotionally charged, be sure and make an appointment.

Gurian makes the case for the differences based on the way most male brains function versus most female brains.  The main premise is that connecting the right and left hemispheres of our brains is a small bundle of nerves called the corpus callosum.  This allows the two sides to talk.  In men, the corpus callosum is, on average, 25 percent smaller than women.  There are exceptions in both sexes but think about that when you are having a conflict or misunderstanding with the opposite sex.  They are wired differently.  It’s time to adapt.

The 4 Parts of the Wheel of Change

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Behavioral change is one of the most difficult things to accomplish.  In Marshall Goldsmith’s book, Triggers, he uses a device called the Wheel of Change to address behavioral changes both on a personal and collaborative level.  The main point is to actually reflect on how we want to improve as individuals, as well as a team. How often do we talk about that as a department, a family or as an individual?  Unless you are being coached, it’s not likely it’s being discussed.

wheel-of-change

This is a great tool to use to coach yourself on a regular basis.  It’s divided into four areas: Creating, Eliminating, Preserving, and Accepting.  It’s relatively easy to look at what you want to do going forward when it’s broken up in this way.  I like the fact that it’s a form of forward-thinking, instead of the traditional approach of dredging up blame and scapegoats.  This is a much more positive experience.  It’s similar to when I’m working with a client and they haven’t done the exercise they’d set out to do.  Questions to consider:  “No sweat. Is it still important to you?  Should it be phrased a different way so that you’ll feel forward motion?”  I have a client who walks at work but not on his treadmill at home.  So he won’t count that as exercise.  I’ve asked him, “Is your heart rate elevated?  Would those steps count on a Fitbit?”  “Yes. Hmmm.  Maybe it is exercise and you’re not giving yourself credit.”  It’s amazing how we won’t give ourselves credit for what we actually accomplish.  Being forward-focused instead of berating the client for not achieving what they said they wanted to achieve can make a huge difference in accomplishing goals.

 

Here are the four parts of the wheel of change:

 

  • Creating.  This is the innovation or creation portion of the wheel.  What do you add or invent?  When I work with teams, I ask what do we want to do differently?  Sometimes it might mean adding a team member who can bring a different perspective.  Sometimes you decide that you want to use a different software to track progress going forward.  I recently decided that I wanted to perfect my team facilitation skills and committed to reading more about the topic for 30 minutes a day.  So I added it to my schedule.  I created a new habit to help me increase my knowledge and skills in a certain area.  What about you?  What do you want to add to your life that will make you a better contributor, husband, partner or accountant?  What can your team add to make it work more effectively, serve the customer better or improve quality?

 

  • Eliminating.  This is eradicating or reducing things that are outdated and ineffective. What do we need to eliminate?  When I work with teams, I ask, “What should we do less of?”  It may be eliminating a step in the process that doesn’t make sense now that we are paperless.  It may be reducing the meeting time from one hour to 15 minutes to keep everyone more efficient and on-task.  It might be reducing your commute by moving closer to the office.  I eliminated actually putting together my weekly newsletter and delegated it to my daughter.  She earns money as my virtual assistant and I save time not having to do something, that for me, is tedious and not the best use of my time.  Organizations frequently get wrapped up in the status quo and never think that maybe if they eliminated a particular technology that has been around since the company was founded, they would have forward motion instead of being dragged down by old technology.  What do you need to eliminate?

 

  • Preserving.  What do we need to improve or maintain?  When I work with teams, I ask, “What do we need to keep?”  The answer might be “a sense of humor” or “meeting times”.  It’s likely the heart of the organization likes family values.  I also love when I work with teams and one of their values is fun.  Isn’t that something you want to preserve and enhance?  Don’t you want to be on a team that values fun? Sometimes we want to throw out the baby with the bathwater.  Taking time to reflect on what you want to keep in your life is important.  Personally, my husband and I eat dinner together every day.  I remember when he first started living with my children and me, he suggested we eat dinner together as a family.  This has been a uniting ritual.  So now, even though the kids are long gone from the house, we maintain this nightly ritual of eating together.  What do you need to preserve?

 

  • Accepting.  What do we need to delay or make peace with?  This is an important piece of the wheel.  We can spend a lot of energy getting angry or resenting something when what we really need to do is just make peace with it.  I was in a job where there were one or two sacred cows in the organization.   I spent a lot of time getting angry about the sacred cow.  “They never show up.  They never do the job.  What are we doing with these folks?”  Problem was that the powers that be had no issue with the performance and had no intention of eliminating them.  When my energy around it turned into one of acceptance, I became much happier.  I didn’t have to spend my time focusing on their failures.  Let it be.   It might be that you don’t have the capital right now to spend on improvements.  Maybe it needs to be delayed until 2017.  What do you need to accept?

 

The important thing about the Wheel of Change is that all four areas need to be addressed.  This makes sense.  An example that Goldsmith uses in his book is of his client who wants to preserve his family, eliminate his commute, create a new commute and accept that he wasn’t good at golf.  He decided that he would move from the suburbs of New Jersey to Manhattan, reducing his 3-hour daily commute to a 10-minute walk.  So he gave up golf and is spending more time with his family.  They are all interconnected.  What do you want to work on?