Why You Should Quit Sugar.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator5 Comments

Originally published: January 12, 2016

You walk into your colleague’s office and grab a Starburst from his candy bowl. You grab a donut from the reception desk. You have a free drink from Starbucks so you decide to treat yourself to a Venti Peppermint Frappuccino. You have just entered a sugar-induced roller coaster and it’s affecting your life in many unseen ways.

I recently read the book The Big Fat Surprise by Nina Teicholz. In the book she makes the case for keeping animal fats, including butter and cheese, in your diet and points to sugar as being the real culprit of an overweight society. I digested that for a few weeks and finally started to take sugar and simple carbs (bread, pasta, and my much beloved pizza) out of my diet. I started with breakfast. I used to eat a high fiber cereal and a flavored yogurt. It’s virtually impossible to find cereal without any sugar and flavored yogurt has as much sugar as a hot fudge sundae. And I was eating that every day. I decided to make a smoothie from frozen berries (without any added sugar), raw almonds, whole Greek unflavored yogurt and chia seeds. The most important thing was to not have a sugar spike that would creep up on me two hours later causing me to feel hungry. I also abandoned all fake sugar like diet drinks and sweetener because it’s still tricking your head that there’s more food coming which causes hunger down the road.

Why You Should Quit Sugar

After the breakfast changes, I started eating arugula and cheese for lunch. The first few weeks were just like quitting smoking for me. Headaches, fogginess, sweating and chills. All from quitting sugar. Makes me think we might need rehab centers for all the after effects! I survived it, and now, some 4 months later, my sugar addiction is long behind me.

But you’re wondering why you should even go through the hassle. Here are the unexpected benefits:

1. My mind is sharper. Once I came out of the fog of addiction, my mind is much more focused. I sit down to complete a project or task or writing a blog post like this, and I have complete focus. I’m not getting up to grab a cookie from the pantry or rummaging through the fridge for a yogurt pick me up. As Rick Foster wrote in his article for the Huffington Post, “I’m aware of being far more able to focus on a task and get it done. My tendency toward distraction has reduced dramatically. What I would now describe as jittery, nervous energy after big doses of sugar through the day, has been replaced by a sense of focused calm.” This for me was the biggest surprise.

2. I sleep better. I don’t know why but I sleep much better. I used to wake up with night sweats due to menopause but this has subsided dramatically since going off sugar. I go to bed at 9 or 9:30 and drop off immediately to sleep and wake up at 5:30 usually without an alarm.

3. I’m more adaptable. I don’t understand this at all but I feel like a last minute crisis doesn’t rattle me as much. Maybe because I’m not going up and down in glucose spikes but I roll with the punches much more easily. And I am able to fit in tasks when before I would have procrastinated. So let’s say I need to get an article done in the next 10 minutes or wait until later. I try and get done what I can get done in the next ten minutes. Before I would have sat on my phone going through Facebook notifications instead of tackling the task.

4. I’m rarely hungry. I can go 6 to 7 hours without food. I remember a health coach instructing us that even if you have that one piece of chocolate or mint, it turns you metabolism on and your body immediately starts calling for more. When I eat protein-rich foods like eggs and bacon, I rarely want to over eat. I eat what I want and don’t think about food again. I lost 20 pounds without starvation. I have to say I never expected this.

5. I have less inflammation. I walk every day. It used to be I would start up the hill of my driveway and I would feel pain in my joints like my hips and knees. About a month after not eating sugar, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t in any pain any more. I used to have bursitis in my hips and shoulders that required cortisone shots or physical therapy. There has been no need ever since giving up sugar.

6. I have energy throughout the day. I used to dread being the afternoon speaker on a team off-site roster. Now it’s no big deal. As long as I’m not binging on potato chips and chocolate chip cookies or downing a Pepsi at lunch, I’m coasting along on an even keel without any fog or sleepiness.

This post is the perfect example of my non-sugar lifestyle. My son is home for the holidays and last year I would have pestered away the morning waiting for him to get ready to go out to the store. But instead I have proactively written the post and feel accomplished before 10 AM. I’m not saying it’s easy to give up sugar and you definitely feel the barrage of sugar exploitation every time you are in the checkout line for the first few weeks but once you are free? It’s life changing.

Sit Up Straight. How to Take Up Space.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I had the pleasure of hearing Amy Cuddy speak last week at the WorkHuman Conference.  Amy has the second most viewed TedTalk and there is a good reason why.  She has terrific advice on how to be able to handle pressure without succumbing to fear and anxiety.  It was quite the thought provoking talk on how to be “Present.”

The interesting thing is that Amy models what she speaks.  She walks the talk in front of a crowd of some 1000 onlookers.  She is a petite woman but regardless she is a power house on the stage.  In addition, she points to the science to back up her claims and I’m going to outline them here.Sit Up Straight

Sitting up straight and other advice on being more powerful:

  • The 2 Minute Power Pose. I’ve been giving this advice to my students at Duke University for the last few years.   Right before we take the final exam, I have everyone stand up and pose like Wonder Woman or Super Man (whichever makes you feel more powerful) and we count to 120.  Studies have shown that doing the power pose for 2 minutes increases testosterone which makes you more assertive, confident, risk tolerant and competitive.  In addition, your cortisol drops with makes you less stressed, less anxious, more secure, and less fearful.  One of my students said after doing the power pose, “I’m going to do every day.”  What’s two minutes if you can go through the day more powerful? So I’ve been working on how I sleep as well.  It’s not like your mind isn’t reading your body while it sleeps.  No more fetal position for me!  I’ve been working on the power pose while I sleep.
  • Sit Up Straight. Turns out your mother’s advice was correct.  As Amy said, your mind and body are constantly conversing.  So whatever your body is emulating, the mind is readying.  She didn’t like “fake it till you make it” but rather “fake it until you become it.”  She asked everyone to look at their posture.  Suddenly we were all sitting up in our seats.  I’m sitting up straight as I write this.  When I sit up straight I feel more alert, more authoritative, more powerful.  One small change can make the difference in your entire day.  So imagining a string at the back of your neck and pull yourself up.
  • Don’t Cross Your Arms. This one is SO difficult for me.  It makes you appear defensive.  I am constantly crossing my arms, especially if a room is cold.  But when Amy modeled crossing her arms on stage?  She looked smaller.    Timid and weak.  So now I imagine myself in that important interview or project meeting.  If it happens to be in a cold room?  Or just by habit I cross my arms?  It’s not likely to be successful.  So habit or no.  Cold room or no.  Keep those arms open.
  • Think about how you walk. A power walk has more of an exaggerated swing to the arms.  Your legs have a longer stride. You posture is tall and erect.  Walking with purpose tells your body that you are powerful.  You are bold.  You are in control.  I’ve recounted a story before from my twenties where I was lost in Harlem one summer evening and being followed by some young men.  I turned on my power walk (I didn’t realize at the time that it would have a powerful effect).  Nobody was messing with me.  My fear and anxiety were dampened down and I got to where I was going safely without incident.
  • Own your space. I’m a tall woman.  I’ve spent a lot of life trying to appear petite.  To deny my presence if you will.  I’d find myself around petite women and I try to shrink myself.  This is not productive.  I remember in my final coaching class with CRR Global, I was facilitating with a tall, charismatic man name Michael.  At the end, I remember the insightful instructor, Marita Fridjhon said, “This is a power couple.”  I realized that I had taken on Michael’s power.  I owned my space, my taller than the average woman body.  Accept your body large or small and own it.
  • Don’t fill in the void with your voice. Another huge learning experience for me is to accept silence.  Powerful people don’t fill space with their voice.  They lower their voice and speak slowly.  As Amy says in her book Presence, “When people feel powerful or are assigned to high-power roles in experiments, they unconsciously lower their voice frequency, or pitch, making their voices expand and sound ‘bigger.'” Our voices are affected by anxiety and threat- both of which cause us to speak at a high pitch.” Power up and lower your voice.

Be powerful.

6 Surprising Truths to Leadership

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Unless you were picked as captain of the kickball team in grade school, the ramp to leadership can seem daunting.  It can feel like there might be a Leadership Fairy out there sprinkling leadership dust on the chosen few who are deemed up to the standard.  Perhaps there is a minimum height requirement or a standard for fluency in astrophysics before someone is blessed with a smattering of leadership dust.  This is all just conjured up in your head.  This “I am not worthy enough to lead” thinking.yEWFnFQRqfmY9l9efJ6g_Snap01-web

Truth is there are all kinds of ways that you are already a leader in your life.  You just need to uncover it.   You don’t need to be a CEO to be a leader.  In fact, you don’t even need some impressive title at all to be a leader.  You just need to exhibit some leadership attributes in different areas – large or small – of your life.  The real secret is to acknowledge to yourself that you are a leader and to own it.

Here are 6 surprising truths to leadership:

  1. It’s not all about the knowledge you have. Organizations make the error of promoting subject matter experts into leadership positions when all they really want to do is work on a project and hone their craft. Knowledge alone will not help you lead.  As a client told me yesterday, you need to know where to go to find the answer but you do not need to be Chief Answerer to be a good leader.  In fact, a manager (as opposed to a leader) who has all the answers in not likely to be a very good coach because they won’t encourage collaboration.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a lifelong learner but don’t let not knowing all the answers hold you back from being a leader. It’s about illuminating pathways not spouting facts.
  1. It’s not about the level in the organization where you sit. You can make any fancy title you want like “Assistant Director of Global Widget Development and Logistics.” That will not make you a leader.  You can have 40 direct reports and that won’t make you a leader.  It does make you a manager.  But a leader? I can’t tell you how many managers have worried about an org chart and where they are on it.  Moving a box on an org chart does not suddenly make you a leader.
  1. Ignite the eagerness in others. Leaders are catalysts.  They know the sweet spot to get others to buy in.  They can describe the vision so that everyone else “sees” it.  As Paul Vitale wrote, “By radiating positive energy, assessing and defining reality, outlining priorities, and incorporating alternative points of view, effective leaders compose unique designs that declare, ‘When nothing is certain, anything is possible.'” It might be being able to articulate your vision of a birthday party or a new spreadsheet.  Be able to ignite others.
  1. Share thoughts, feelings and rationale. This is a tenet of DDI’s Essentials of Leadership. This can be difficult for men in particular.  A leader who shares their feelings says, “I’m uncomfortable putting you on this project because there were several deadlines you missed last time.” On the other hand,  a manager will gloss over past failures and find an excuse not to put them on the project.  A leader is transparent.  There aren’t any secrets.  And they share both the positive and negative.  “You did so well on that last team, they’d like you to lead the next one.”  Whereas a manager is more top down and buttoned up.  Be a leader.  Don’t assume your team knows what’s going on.  Be sure to share.
  1. Leaders take care of themselves. They exercise, sleep, connect, read and keep a balance throughout the day. There might be an emergency that takes them off the path but because they take care of themselves physically, they can handle the crisis.  As Dave Ulrich said in an HBR interview, “Physical: take care of myself– nutrition, exercise, sleep. The psychologists say the best cure for depression is take care of your body.”  If you are living on Red Bull and Oreos, sleeping 5 hours a night and the only exercise you are getting is going to the fridge for a beer, you won’t a good leader.  Take care of yourself.
  1. Build a network of people. It can be isolating to be at the top of an organization or in a sensitive position like Human Resources. As Ulrich said, “I have a best friend at work. Build a network of people I can rely on, who care about me as a person, not just about me and my job.” Your organization or team may be too small to be able to feasibly develop friendships.  Then go outside.  Make sure you have social support.

Don’t wait for the fairy dust either.  Find that spot where you can serve others and start leading.  I remember leading hikes up a mountain at the ripe old age of fifteen.  I got at the front of the line and started leading.  Inside or outside of an organization, on a service project or leading your kids.  We all have leadership opportunities. Take them. Find your way to lead.

Change of plans. Being open to uncertainty.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator3 Comments

I schedule everything.  I mean everything.  My exercise, my plane flights, my meals, my doctor’s appointments.  Ever since my phone was synced up to my Outlook calendar, I make sure everything is scheduled.  The problem?  Inevitably something changes.  It’s like Uncertainty is the new Black.  It’s ubiquitous.

I have to say I am more flexible now.  I used to feel as though I was out of control.  If there was restaurant I wanted to go to that was closed on Sundays – Grrr frustration.   No one wants to watch the movie I just purchased?   Well, I’ll just make them like it (and watch it).  But now I am much more open.  More resilient.   I bob and weave and take on whatever comes my way.

uncertainty is the new black

As I reflect, I realize why I am able to rise to the challenge.  I had the privilege to have Paul McGinniss as a trainer for my coach training at the Neuroleadership  Group some four years ago.  I can remember vividly that when he was working with someone and they hadn’t follow through saying “No sweat.”  For me, saying “No sweat” is letting go and moving forward.   No value judgment.  Just acknowledging what wasn’t done, and move on.

Here is what I’ve learned:

  • Shrug off disappointment. I recently purchased tickets to Cirque du Soleil for my daughter’s birthday.  About a week before the performance, they canceled the performance.  My reaction was disappointment but it was only temporary.  I didn’t dwell on it.  Oh well.  Move on.  She came home that weekend instead.  It was much more chill and everything worked out great.  Don’t dwell on the disappointment.  So if you don’t get that client or land the big contract.  Oh well. Do something else.
  • Be realistic. I flew to Orlando last week and had arranged for my son to drive up from Miami to meet me.  I hadn’t looked at how far that drive was.  It’s 4 hours.   So I was expecting him to drive 8 hours in one day just to see his mother.   Did I mention he’s in his final weeks of his junior year in college?    He made a prudent decision to not drive to Orlando since he couldn’t spend the night.  Make sure you set realistic expectations or you will be disappointed.
  • Plan B. The good news is that my son proposed a Plan B.   What if we met half way?  Pretty soon he found a few coffee shops and a Colombian restaurant about halfway in between.  2 hours for him and 2 hours for me.  Lunch?  Let’s do it.  So we ended up meeting at this Colombia restaurant in Port St. Lucie halfway up the Florida  It was wonderful.  Be open to plan B.
  • Be in the moment. I practice meditation every day.  I have consistently done this for the last 4 years.  I am more resilient.  I can step behind the waterfall and let small disruptions roll on by.  I’m not saying I never get ticked off or disappointed but I am much more able to keep my reaction more of a response instead of overreacting.  I credit that to my meditation practice.  This can be accomplished through other practices that bring you back into your body and out of your head like yoga, running, walking or playing an instrument.
  • Don’t be attached to the details. I knew I wanted to see my son when I was in Florida.  I had looked up things to do in Orlando for that day.  Universal?  Disney?  Movie?  Nope. Nope and nope.  Lunch with my son in a Colombian restaurant (one of our favorite cuisines) was perfect.  The only detail I was attached to was seeing my son.
  • Keep your eye on the prize. What is your purpose?  Sometimes I have a client that seems to be going off the rails and  I just need to be present and focus on what they need.   I know my purpose it to be of service.   My purpose is to make a difference in people’s lives.  The details of getting there is up to the client.  No agenda.  Just service.  Keep your eye on your purpose and you will get there to.

 

Change of plans?  No sweat. Move on.

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. —Henry Ford

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It’s all between your ears.  All those thoughts.  As a client said to me “It’s a hamster wheel”.  The same thoughts over and over and over and over again.  The I think I can’t, I think I can’t, I think I can’t mantra.  You see your boss’ door closed and you assume you’re in trouble.  Your wife doesn’t respond to your text and you decide she must be mad about something.  You hear your coworkers laughing and you feel shut out.  Guess what.  You get to choose your thoughts.  Really you do.

But, Cathy, I can’t!  I can’t stop my mind chatter.  It’s always negative.  I know.  I’ve been there.  There isn’t a magic wand that is going to turn off that faucet.  What it takes is deliberate practice.  Having a coach (like me) is a really good way to change course.   A good coach will hold up a mirror and help you pick through those thoughts and question their value.  We all have different beliefs around trust, money, love and work.  “If I love, I will be hurt.” “I’ll never get a promotion, so why apply?” “I’m not worth more money than I am making.”  And then that broken record keeps playing over and over and over again.

unsplash-kitsune-4

Here are some disciplines to begin doing now and so you can throw out the recording:

  • Practice mindfulness. This means stop dwelling on the past or assuming the future.  Be in the moment. Now. And now.  And now.  Feel the chair you are sitting in.  Feel your chest rise with each breath.  Listen to your dog sighing.  Smell the aroma of your coffee cup.  Feel your big toe.  Mindfulness is being in the moment and tapping into all your senses.  It takes you out of your head and into your body.
  • Accept failure. As J. K. Rowling said, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.” You cannot break out of the status quo unless you are open to failure.  Most of your thoughts are full of “what if” scenarios.  That is a waste of energy.  It’s OK if you fail.  You’ll learn something if you do.
  • Stop worrying.  A quote from Arthur Somers Roche that I love: “Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” I’ve met a lot of people who view worry as a sort of penance.  If I worry about my son driving to Orlando to meet me, then I am preparing myself for the worst. I’m expending energy and I can assure it is not changing the outcome.  It is futile and exhausting.  Worry does not change the future.
  • Think about positive outcomes. This is the flip side of worry.  So instead of worrying about my twenty-year-old son driving to Orlando safely, I think about embracing him when I see him.  I think about his magnetic smile.  I think about how his reaction times are so much faster than my own.  His flawless driving record.    I feel more upbeat now.  I’m in a much better mind set.
  • Use mantras. I have a mantra that I use in the middle of the night if I wake up from some sort of stress.  “In an easy and relaxed manner in a helpful and positive way, joy comes to me easily in its own perfect time for the benefit of all.”  I put that on a broken loop in my head.  Make your own.  Make sure it is simple and positive.
  • Good enough. So many of my clients are frozen by perfectionism.   Let it be “good enough”.  I’m not suggesting you do sloppy work but let go of it being perfect.   If there is anything blasting thoughts through your head it’s the perfectionism judge.   “I won’t apply for the job until I have that certificate.”  “I’ll sign up after I’ve lost 15 pounds.” “I’ll ask for a raise after I finish that project.”   It’s good enough. Quit being paralyzed.

This is not a quick fix.  Your thoughts have been riding the same railroad track for a while.   Even acknowledging that your thoughts are not the truth can help you slow it down.  Get off the train at the next stop and see the possibilities.

6 Techniques to Boost Your Personal Power.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You walk into a conference and don’t recognize a single soul.  You quickly grab a seat in the back for an early escape and avoid making eye contact.  You sit down and focus on your only available friend…your phone.  Instead of reaching out to your neighbor sitting next to you, you shuffle your papers and check out Facebook notifications.  You are isolated and feeling small.  It’s time to regain your personal power. Personal power

I just finished giving a webinar yesterday on communication skills.  The way it was set up was that I had to talk continuously for 75 minutes without a break with my slides.   The only way to have interaction with the attendees was through a chat box.  The first time I gave one of these presentations, I swore I would never do it again.  It feels like talking to a lamp post.  So why did I do it again? I decided to power up.  My performance did a 180 and so did my reviews.  It was the exact same presentation but this time I brought my power.  So how did I do that?

Here ya go:

  1. Take on a power pose. I take on a power pose every time I have to speak or lead an important meeting. As written in the 3 Elements of Charisma, “Studies have shown that by simply standing in a Power Pose for two minutes, testosterone levels increase, while cortisol levels decrease, making you feel more confident and less stressed. When you feel more confident, you act more powerful.” So my default is to stand like Wonder Woman with my hands on my hips for two minutes.  I suggested this to my webinar participants forgetting there might be men on the line and one of them sent a message “Is Superman OK?”  I had to laugh.  “Sure!  Superman, Batman, The Hulk.  It’s all good.” Pick your superhero and power up.
  1. Walk with purpose. I recently read Adam Braun’s Pencils of Promise, in which he starts each chapter with a mantra and in that chapter describes how he used it. He found himself trying to get out of Thailand and on to Nepal to meet his dad when he was gravely ill.  He was sweating profusely and when he went through security his body temperature set off an alarm.  The authorities told him he had to go to the hospital and pointed him to a woman.  He mustered up his confidence, put his shoulders back, walked with purpose and approached the woman.  He told her that the authorities wanted her to take him to his flight.  She did.  Crisis averted.
  1. Where you are, is exactly where you need to be. One of the most frightening experiences of my life was getting disoriented when I got off a subway station on the west side of Manhattan. Instead of heading to West End Avenue on 104th street, I headed towards Amsterdam Avenue. It was a hot, humid summer evening and EVERYONE was on the street.  A crowd of young men started following me and were speaking a language I didn’t understand.  When I realized I was going the wrong direction, I decided it would be a really bad idea to turn around.  So I ended up putting my shoulders back and acting like I knew exactly where I was and ended up walking the full block (and it was one of those double wide blocks…it felt like an eternity) taking a left and walking all the way back on 105th street.  The men eventually faded back and I made it to my destination.  So when you walk in that conference and don’t know a soul; you’re exactly where you need to be.  Own it.
  1. Set your intention. At a conference with Christine Kane before going on stage, she goes off alone and centers herself. She sets her intention.  I now do the same thing.  I set my intention that it’s all about my client.  It’s all about the participants.  I want them all to take at least one thing and find it useful.  My intention is to serve.  When I do that, it takes the fear away.  My focus becomes about them and not me. Set your intention for your audience’s best outcome.
  1. Smile. I had the privilege of having Jackie Kellso instruct me at a Dale Carnegie class. They videotaped us speaking.  Jackie kept emphasizing that I needed to smile.  In the end, there were 7 video clips of me and the metamorphic change that happened after three days was amazing.  When I smiled?  The entire speech was enlivened.  My body language changed dramatically.  So when you walk into that interview?  Or that high stakes meeting?  Be sure to smile.
  1. Have a talisman. I have strange little habits. I drink coffee from a red cup when I have a big meeting planned. I have a particular necklace that my husband gave me that I wear when I need to feel powerful.  I try and wear red if I’m going into a negotiation.  I seem to recall that Ronald Reagan would call on the women in the press core that wore red.  A talisman is a ring or stone that is believed to have magical powers.  It’s like a rabbit’s foot.  It doesn’t matter if does or doesn’t have actual magical powers.  It just matters that you feel more powerful.

Using all these techniques to power up before and during a presentation is why that dreaded webinar turned around.  I now look forward to it.  I sit up in my chair with my headset on and smile.  I know the folks on the line can’t see me but I am positive they can feel my power.

What other people think of me is none of my business – Wayne Dyer

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

Are you having trouble wrapping your head around that?  I did.  I still do.  I’m not sure if it’s my upbringing.  The Wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident and What will the neighbor’s think kind of upbringing. My parents are always passing judgment on whether or not so and so is too thin or too fat or spending their money unwisely.  I know when I dress in the morning, I’m wondering what people will think.  Is the skirt too short?  Is the blouse too tight?  I’m not paralyzed by this but as I read that statement I realize it’s a monologue that goes on in my head unconsciously.

Actually, the source of this valuing other’s opinions above all else is Junior High School life at its finest.  I was in 7th grade in the 70’s.  Bell bottoms and corduroy were the rage.   I had purchased 10 pairs of corduroys in 10 different shades with all my hard earned babysitting money.  I cared a lot about blending in.  God forbid I walk into the cafeteria and stand out by wearing a dress.  My world centered on what others thought about me;  if I gained weight or lost weight, had an opinion different than theirs, had a bad hair day…the list goes on and on.  Heck, I do that today.  Has anyone noticed I lost 5 pounds?  Should I point it out?  Am I expecting too much?  Do people really notice me? I realize I spend a lot of time and energy wondering about others’ opinions.

kVEPcWcfSA2tgOpRz9Za__DSC0765

Here are some ways to let go of the importance of others’ opinions:

  1. Realize that this is self-inflicted pain. Bryon Katie’s book, Love What Is, posits that the suffering is in your head. The first question of “The Work” is “Is it true?”  When I work with clients, I hear all kinds of statements that are causing the client pain.  “She doesn’t like me,” “He wants me off the project,” and “They think I’m incompetent.”  How can you verify that, that is true?  Realize that believing it is true is in your own head.  You are suffering from your own beliefs and thoughts.
  1. Beware of how you accept both criticism and compliments. These are two sides to the very same coin. Someone can be validating you and giving you feedback that sounds like or is actually a critique.  Whether it’s positive or negative it is an opinion that you could potentially benefit from and has no bearing on who you are.  You are still you.  If you are focused and enamored only with praise, when you are criticized you will roll down the other side of the hill and be thrown off your game.  I believe a simple “Thank you” for either is just fine.  Temper your reactions and how you internalize feedback. Find a way to benefit from the critique of those whose opinions you trust.
  1. Let go of the battle. In Jack Kornfield’s A Path with Heart, he writes, “Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.” Fighting requires a lot of energy. It’s exhausting to spend your day worrying about what everyone else is thinking.  Put down your armor and let go.
  1. Be skeptical. As written in don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Fifth Agreement, “Doubt takes us behind the words we hear to the intent behind them.  By being skeptical, we don’t believe every message we hear; we don’t put our faith in lies, and when our faith is not in lies, we quickly move beyond emotional drama, victimization, and the limiting belief systems our ‘domestication’ has programmed us with.” When you find the truth for yourself you are free to live without regret and fear.
  1. Let go of attachment. Kornfield has some wonderful meditations in his book. One of them is letting go of anger. He writes, “The strength of our anger reveals the strength of our attachment.”  It’s amazing how many things I am attached to and how much suffering it causes.  It’s my control freak inside who doesn’t want to let go.  But this constant striving to control the thoughts of others is unobtainable.  This is a huge insight for me.  It’s futile. Don’t attach.
  1. Be careful of your own language. My daughter made me aware of this. I would say “Have you lost weight?”  She asked that I say, “You look healthy.”  You might think that it’s a compliment but as she explained, it’s also a value judgment.  It is essentially saying that you were or weren’t thin enough before.
  1. Give up the idea of perfection. I think about this when I meditate. I feel like when my thoughts wander (and they always do) that I am not being perfect at meditation.  So what?  It’s the same with your self-dialogue.  When you are trying out #1-#6, let go of being perfect.  So when you start worrying that your boss thinks you’re incompetent, acknowledge that you let that thought slip in and maybe you can avoid it the next time.  Perfection is exhausting.

All of this can be difficult to try and implement.  It’s a habit that you’ve likely been doing since you were a child.  Changing your thoughts takes patience and trial and error.  We are all just works in progress. How wonderful it is that we have others to help us!

7 Lessons from Reconnecting. No Regrets.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator3 Comments

“Those Girls and The Blonde” sounds like a great name for an eighties girl band.  It wasn’t.  It’s the name of my two roommates and I from 1981 when our landlord (otherwise known as Dragon Lady) coined the phrase after “The Blonde” (Susannah) ripped up the carpeting in our basement, slummish apartment in College town.  Susannah is one of the few born and bred Manhattanites I know.  She takes charge.  She’s decisive.  The carpet was horrible and “there’s hard wood floors under there”.  So the other “Girl” Janine and I went along for the ride, ripping up the carpet.

We have remained friends for over 35 years.  We all had our first born children in 1993.  We’ve seen each other marry, sometimes divorce and move to various cities (Washington D.C., San Francisco, Boston, Croton-on-Hudson and Scottsdale).  We’ve never lived in the same city at the same time since Ithaca.  We’ve had a few reunions but since about 1983, TG&TB have not reunited at the same time sans kids and spouses.  So when I had an opportunity to go to Paris, I contacted them both and suggested we reunite in the City of Light.  Janine and I were both Paris Virgins and Susannah was fully versed in all things French.  We had a plan and TG&TB always execute a plan.  We spent 6 days reconnecting in a lovely apartment near the Eiffel Tower.

These are my lessons from reconnecting some 33 years later:

  1. Let someone lead. Several weeks before departing for Paris, I found some activities that we might want to try out. There were huge email trains between the three of us about costs, times, travel between arrondissements, etc.  It wasn’t working.  It would take several days to get confirmation.  So I finally suggested that Susannah take over the planning going forward.  Janine and I signed off on whatever Susannah wanted to cook up.  We had faith that she knew what we would like and what would work.  As they say, too many cooks spoil the broth.  Pick a leader, have faith and stick with it.

 

  1. Be willing to get lost. Ever since my daughter turned me on to Google Maps for walking directions in Manhattan, I’ve been pretty obsessed with not being lost. I realize now I am a “Direction Control Freak.”  I also hate to appear the tourist with the pocket map.  I had to let my judgment go.  For God’s sake Cathy, you are a tourist.  Who cares if someone else knows it?  They will the minute you try and say “Bon jour.”  So what if we walked the wrong direction for half a mile in the Marais. It’s Paris.  Every street is interesting and unique.  I believe it was Janine who said, “It’s all as intended. We are where we need to be. No regrets.” When we were lost, we stumbled on an out of the way café full of locals and sans tourists.  It was wonderful.  Get lost.

 

  1. Quality versus quantity. When you go into one of the largest museums in the world, focus on quality over quantity. We took a guided tour through the Louvre with an American expat who had phenomenal art and history knowledge.  We stood looking at a sculpture of Hercules for almost 20 minutes.  We discovered how his face change from docile to contemplative depending on the angle.  It was fascinating.  I’ve never spent that kind of time on one piece of art….ever.  I’m more of a fast food consumer of art.  Trying to check off each piece as fast as possible, Degas…check, Renoir….check, Mona Lisa…check.  This is not the way to appreciate art. This was a huge shift for me and I appreciate our guide’s contemplative example.  Don’t consume, appreciate.

 

  1. Make space for connection. I’m not positive but I think we ducked into at least three cafes a day. So if we had walked for an hour, let’s grab a table and a drink.  If we stumbled on an interesting café, let’s grab some café crème.   It was around one of these tables that we reconnected about career choices, our kids and reminiscing about our youth.  Those conversations may not have happened if we were too busy trying to make sure we went to every museum in Paris (which I’m not sure is possible but is certainly not practical).  I found fantastic advice and stories from two women I respect immensely.

 

  1. Utilize your strengths. We all were paying for different things. I figured, it would all wash out by the end.  I didn’t feel compelled to keep track.  Thank goodness Janine is incredibly organized and meticulous.  Between the exchange rate and dollars versus euros, she kept it all straight.  Susannah was our motivation.  She knew the best falafel place in Paris.  It might be a mile and a half away but her enthusiasm was contagious.  So what if we walk 8 miles in one day.  I was the compass.  Street crossing in Paris is pretty crazy.  There are cars and motorcycles come ricocheting in from all angles and walking at the cross walk is critical.  It became a chess match as to how to get to the street you wanted without losing life or limb.  Fall back on your strengths.

 

  1. Be realistic. We made sure that we were rarely rushed. So if we wanted to check out a park on the way to Notre Dame, we make sure it was doable at a slow pace with time to spare.  If it wasn’t?  Move on.  If the uber driver hasn’t been able to find you for twenty minutes, take a cab.  If the maître’d explains that the dish has raw duck in it, order something else.  Be realistic.

 

  1. Be open to adventure. Janine and I went up the Eiffel Tower together. It’s a pretty trippy adventure. The funicular is at an angle and with all the structure supports going by, it is a bit disorienting. When we got to the top, I wanted to stay inside.  I was as high as my acrophobia wanted to take me. Janine ran upstairs and ran back down.  “Cath.  You have to go to the top.  It’s not bad.”  I did and it was worth the flight of stairs up.  Susannah wanted to see the Saint-Chappelle.  From the outside, it’s not very impressive and we had just been through Notre Dame.  When we entered what I later found out was the first floor, it was some chipping paint with a low ceiling and trinket stands.  I thought, “What’s the big deal?”  Then we walked up a stone circular staircase (did I mention I’m claustrophobic?). At the top was, and is, the most beautiful chapel I have ever stood in.  My breath was taken away and tears were in my eyes.  I know that if I hadn’t gone with TG&TB to Paris, I would never have stood in that awe-inspiring spot.  Be an adventurer.

 

This was a trip of a lifetime with two of my favorite people in the world.  So think about it.  Who would you like to connect to again?  Break out of your normal agenda and take off on a reunion adventure of your own.  There will be no regrets.

5 Surprising Characteristics of Parisians

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator4 Comments

As I write this, I have finished my first two days in Paris on my own. Paris is beautiful and enchanting. I encountered many interesting surprises around almost every corner.  I had no idea it would take 45 minutes to get from Charles De Gaulle airport to my hotel. The traffic as you approach the city at 10 in the morning on a Thursday was just crazy. It felt like there was only one way into the city; kind of like everyone in New Jersey trying to get into Manhattan through the Holland tunnel. I was also taken aback by all the graffiti. I’ve thought that the French have it all figured out since Americans don’t seem to. But, alas, we all have our downfalls.

935370_10154009016568688_803073792879391620_n

 

The best part of the trip in was my taxi driver.   He kept calling me “My Lady”. We had a lovely conversation about his parents immigrating from Cambodia and how much he loves Paris. He explained the good neighborhoods from the bad and constantly complimented me on any French I attempted to speak. I was kind of hoping I could keep him for a few days as my guide. This young man was so polite and open, I had no idea what else was in store for me.  Can’t I just keep him? Is he the friendliest person I will meet in Paris? Who else is going to call me “My Lady”…. like ever?

 

Turns out that Paris revealed these surprises to me:

 

  1. Parisians are gracious. I had a friend advise me before I came to make sure I said “Bon jour” and “Merci.” Parisians are not a fan of the abrupt American. When I arrived at my hotel, two gentlemen opened the door saying “Beinvenue Madame, bon jour!”, with smiling faces. I think every employee in that lobby said “Bon jour, Madame!” You might be thinking, “Well, Cathy, isn’t this a hotel, shouldn’t they be that gracious?” The thing is every brasserie, cafe, shop and museum was the same tune. The sweet lyrical “Bon jour, Madame.” The Parisians graciousness made me feel welcome and humbled me.

 

  1. Parisians have a slower pace. One of my guides for a walking tour of Montmartre explained that if you purchase an espresso at a cafe, you had the right to the table for the entire day.  He wanted us to understand this in case some server tried to brush us off. This slower, you have all day, take a moment to be in the moment attitude was a big adjustment. I still ate my food too fast (especially when dining alone). I’m sure they thought I was an American Speedy Gonzales. This is in juxtaposition to say Manhattan or San Francisco when every minute counts in a race to get through the day. Savor the moment.

 

  1. Many Parisians are animated. On the drive in from the airport, there had been an accident and there in THE MIDDLE of the highway, the two men on opposites ends of the collision were boisterously yelling at each other waving their arms madly. Quite the theatrics. When the woman who was the concierge for the apartment we leased was showing us the place, she didn’t speak English. We didn’t speak French. The language barrier was crossed as she pantomimed how the locks worked, the door to the balcony, and all the various attributes of the apartment. It was hysterical. She bantered on in French stopping to ask “Oui?”…as we echoed back “Oui. Oui.” Enjoy the theatrics; they will often get you through what you need to know

 

  1. Parisians love their city. Parisian pride is even more fierce after the threat to Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. Recent terrorist attacks on their own and their neighbor’s soil have fueled that fire.  This kind of pride, Parisian Pride, doesn’t develop overnight. Several guides and drivers I met were incredibly proud of their neighborhood whether it was Montmartre or Rive Gauche. I had the impression that every Parisian felt as if Paris was the center of the universe. It certainly is the center of theirs. The thing is, after 8 days in Paris, I was beginning to think the same thing.  Where else can you experience world class food, wine, art, history and music? ?  When I first arrived, I took pictures from every street corner because it was so beautiful and remarkable. Pretty soon I had WAY too many pictures of rambling cobblestone streets.  Every corner, every niche of Paris has something unique to offer. It’s okay to capture the moment even if you have to edit it later.

 

  1. Parisians are passionate. I’m talking the essence of passion, the pureness of passion. I mean passionate about their interests and what there is to love about life  I went on a walking tour of Montmartre and the guide was enlivened and passionate about Montmartre and the artists who lived there (i.e. Van Gough, Renoir, Monet, Picasso….).  I went on a cheese tasting in a cheese cave from the 1600’s and our guide was passionate about French cheese.  There are over 2,000 types of cheeses made in France, and this guy knew each one, the distinctions between them AND could combine a wine and cheese so that you thought you were eating cauliflower or grapefruit.  My friends and I took a cooking class and our instructor was almost beyond passionate about the food of Paris.  He knew the history of the dish, its origins, it’s modern adaptations and had sourced every product to identify organic and GMO free.  He orchestrated 8 novice cooks to create an amazing three course lunch in a matter of 4 hours. The passion of all these Parisians was contagious.

 

Paris has been on my bucket list for over 30 years.  Ever since my 7th grade French class.  It was an amazing vacation and the thing I learned is that it’s the residents I will remember most.  The Parisians themselves are the heart of the experience.

5 Ways to Humanize Conflict

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You don’t agree with the trajectory of a project at work so you make up excuses to miss the meetings. You don’t want to openly disagree. You don’t want to upset the apple cart. You start talking behind the project leader’s back. You keep quiet at the meetings you do attend. You become passive aggressive. Sandbag as much as you can on your end. This ensures the project doesn’t succeed so that you can be smug when it fails.

This is all created by your conflict avoidance. Let’s be realistic. Most of us are conflict averse. We don’t want to hurt our boss’ feelings. We don’t want to make someone angry. We don’t want to make our coworker feel bad. And we don’t want to be part of a losing project. But there is a way to humanize conflict and have it be a win-win situation.

photo-1454023989775-79520f04322c

Here are the ways.

1. Seek first to understand. Habit 5 of Steven R. Covey’s, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” Most of us approach conflict to try and make our case. We want to be understood first. When we change that up and attempt to understand first, it has an enormous impact and builds trust.

Ask open ended questions and respond with a summary of what you heard. “Can you tell me about this project from the beginning?” “How do you feel about the data?” “Are there any other resources available?” These questions aren’t accusatory or judgmental. They are just about gathering information and understanding.

2. Humanize your opponent. In The Great Courses’ Your Best Brain, Dr. John Medina brought up a study done by two groups of business school students from competing universities. Group A was given a fictitious issue to negotiate via email with no other information. Group A was negotiating with someone who was essentially anonymous to them. Group B was told to exchange pictures and to reveal something about themselves before moving forward with the negotiation. Group B was humanizing their counterpart in the negotiation. The result? Group A had an impasse rate of 29% and Group B had an impasse rate of 6%. Remarkable! So if you are trying to resolve an issue with someone who is not in the office, or a customer via email; try and use their correct name (no one likes their name misspelled). Include your photo in your signature line. Be human.

3. Everyone is right…partially. This is a tenant of CRR Global. Everyone wants to be right. Like all the time. No one wants to go around being wrong. It’s human nature. So think about it. Is this really just you trying to be “right” versus what is best for the company? Can you admit that you might be 1% wrong and let it go? Sometimes we find conflict when there doesn’t need to be. We don’t need to crucify someone for misfiling the file; or changing the venue for the presentation because it wasn’t the one we picked.

4. Conflict norms. Patrick Lencioni espouses using conflict norms for a leader with his team. As he states, “To effectively make conflict a core part of a team’s culture, we suggest establishing ’conflict norms.’ Conflict norms are a handful of expectations the team establishes and commits to in order to engage in healthy conflict during team discussions.” Lencioni’s suggestions that the leader end the debate or discussion with the phrase, “Do You Support the Direction?” and make sure everyone responds. Another is for silence to imply you agree and making sure there are no offline discussions. You know – the meeting after the meeting. Make sure you have conflict norms for your team.

5. Positivity is infectious. Try and harvest what is good. What’s going well. Positivity builds rapport amongst the team. Think about people at work that you get along with. People you would go to the mat for. Odds are you have a good rapport with them and you have a positive relationship. They aren’t busy throwing other people under the bus or blaming everyone else for everything They are acknowledging what is going right. This builds rapport for when you need to step into conflict.

I have to say that our cable was out the other day and the customer service rep said to me “Catharine (see #2), please tell me about the issue (see #1).” After I explained the issue she said “Catharine, I am sure this is frustrating for you (see #3).” I felt heard, empathized with and humanized. I didn’t get angry. Amazing what word choice can do for a conflict.