2 Bronze Medals. My Son’s Perseverance.

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This weekend has been a crazy roller coaster. Ups and downs, but the ups have been phenomenal. I was just the observer; the helper; the videographer biting my tongue. My son was the tenacious warrior stepping into the arena. He competed in the final group at the USA University and Under 25 National Weightlifting Championships in Gainesville, Florida.

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Benson, my son, has come a long way. He’s played many sports, from soccer as a 5-year-old to football and basketball in middle school to state champion in track and wrestling in high school. He initially decided on the University of Miami because he wanted to be a Division I athlete on their track team. He made the team but due to some elements beyond his control, it was short lived.  So, there he was; cut adrift from any sport.  Athletic challenges, of any kind, are his passion. He needs to have an arena. He thrives on competition. This is how he landed in weightlifting and the national stage.

 

This is what we can all learn from Benson:

 

Find a posse.  I’m not sure how Benson found Crossfit Soul in Miami but it’s definitely his posse. There is a community of athletes and coaches who genuinely care about Benson’s success. Whatever success looks like. Whether it’s to compete, get in shape or just have fun. Every time I’ve attended competitions, many of his posse are there to root him on and support his cause. When I saw him compete in Miami several months ago, it felt like the entire room was his posse. Find a posse to support you in your success.

 

Be accountable.  I don’t care where Benson is in the world…he is accountable to his workout regimen. We traveled to Medellín, Colombia over the holidays and Benson went to several gyms to work out with guys that did not know English and did not know him. He was home in North Carolina and had a few days where he had to work out twice a day (insane…right?). He did. His workout is first and foremost. Be accountable to your goal. Make it first and foremost.

 

Absolutely no excuses.  Several weeks before this national competition in Gainesville, Benson had a meniscus tear. He couldn’t…shouldn’t do deep squats. He had to change his workout. He could have backed out. At the competition, he could have blamed the tear for missing his last Clean and Jerk, which would have qualified him for the USA Nationals in Chicago next month. He takes responsibility for where he is and steps into the arena for better or for worse. Take responsibility and move forward.

 

Be a badass.  Benson does not take no for an answer. He asked me to pick up some tacos for him for after his weigh in and before the actual competition. The gate keeper at the arena told me “no outside food” (which is crazy, since hot dogs and nachos are not exactly food for nationally and internationally ranked athletes). Benson came out, gave me a hug, grabbed the bag and audaciously walked past the gate keeper. Some rules are meant to be broken. Be a badass.

 

Perseverance is key.  Benson last competed at the same University National competition in September of 2016. Overall, he came out in 17th place. It was his first national competition and he admitted that he was pretty amped up when he was on the platform. Adrenaline is a powerful thing. He came out way ahead of his competitors in his group. But he was in the fourth group (each group has around 15 competitors). Typically, the first group are the ones who make the podium (the medals). Benson kept working. He kept showing up. Proud of 17th place and continued working. Persevere.

 

Grab the recognition.  As I sat there at the competition, I could see based on the results that Benson was solidly in fourth place. He could not drop any further down. Apparently, there were two competitions going on, one for University students up to age 28 and the other for those under age 25. So Benson’s solid 4th was actually 3rd because the top guy was 28. We stood there as they announced the bronze medals and inadvertently, they gave the medal to the guy in fourth. Benson’s coach immediately disputed the medal. It was a tense few moments, but he eventually had those shiny medals around his neck (One for total score and the other for a 127 kg Snatch). He stood on the podium and was recognized. Be sure to grab your recognition.

 

I truly believe that we all can succeed if we just show up and work hard. I’m not saying you can go from 17th to 3rd in the nation. You can show up and work hard in the arena you choose. What is your arena?

In the Short Rows

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We are finally getting there. In the short rows. The short rows is a farming term for the rows at the edge of a plot that are shorter due to odd angles of land. It means we are almost finished. In fact, I hope that when this publishes (I’m usually a few weeks ahead on my posts), that my head will be resting on my king size bed pillow with a view of Lake Wackena. We will hopefully be at least sleeping at the house and eating and relaxing there. My husband, dog Baci and I have been displaced by Hurricane Matthew for almost 6 months. Actually, it will be 6 months to the day on April 8th. It’s been a challenge and a half.

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Our generous friends have rented out their lovely in-law to us, and it’s nice to have a private place to call “home”, or as we refer to it, as “Camp Matthew.” We’ve basically gone from 3000 square feet down to about 600. From two computers, two printers, two television sets, a gas range, four bathrooms and three couches down to one couch, one television, electric range, one bathroom, one computer and printer. This would normally be a piece of cake for a week or two. Or the original guesstimate of 2-3 months. But it’s turned out to be 6 months.

 

This is what I’ve learned about being in the short rows:

 

Focus.  I have been driving my husband nuts.  I ask a thousand questions a day about the house. “What about the closets?” “What about the vent cover in the garage?” “Should we fix the light in Benson’s room now? Or later?” “Have you watered the plants?” It’s endless. He stops me in the morning and says exactly what we are working on. Yesterday we did an inventory of everything (at the moment) that we need for the house and then we went to Lowe’s and bought it. This morning we moved all the furniture from one bedroom to another. Thank God my husband has focus because I am a scattered mess. So when it comes to a big project at work or at home, make sure you have someone who can focus the team (especially if I am on it).

 

Positive.  I recently found out that one of my top five strengths is positivity. Thank goodness for that! In fact, one day a few weeks ago, we had a setback on the delivery of the linchpin cabinet we needed for the kitchen. Nothing could continue until we had that cabinet. Well, my husband started grumbling about the cabinet and looked at me and said, “Don’t get all positive on me.” So I went off on a tirade basically, that went something like this: “This sucks. We are never moving back in that house. We are going to be living on top of each other forever.” He stopped me. “Ok. Ok. You can stop now.”

It’s funny how we need some glass half full people around. It keeps everyone’s spirit alive.

 

Lead.  I’ve learned to give up the leadership to my husband. He used to be a contractor and is incredibly knowledgeable about all things construction. In fact, he is usually referred to as MacGyver. Duct tape and a popsicle stick? Kevin will figure out how to fix the water heater. This morning, he figured out how to get an enormous, awkward treadmill through a door that was too small, without any equipment except a hammer and screwdriver. He didn’t even damage a single freshly painted wall. I was there to “help” but I know he would have done it single-handedly nonetheless. Find out the best person to lead this particular team and let them lead.

 

Visualize.  Every morning for the last few weeks, I’ve been visualizing laying on my bed back at the house and staring out the window at the lake. My husband and I have been repairing on the deck for the last two nights. We are “acting as if” we are back at home. When I started visualizing being back in the house, the log jam that was holding us up cut loose. The cabinet that was missing in action finally was delivered and everything started falling into place. Half the house was carpeted last Friday and the rest will be done tomorrow. We quit waiting on the fireplace and decided we could move with the carpeting in or without it. I coach several clients who worked on acting “as if.” They get stuck and can’t sell the house or get the job of their dreams and then they start acting “as if” and suddenly they are in forward motion.

 

I’m really getting excited that we will be home soon. There are a few more hoops to jump through like counter-tops and some plumbing fixes but we are really close! We are almost out of the short rows and onto living on the Lake instead of with the nightmare of the Lake.

The Anatomy of a Good Apology

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I’ve been reading Why Won’t You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner. It’s an interesting book and I have (surprise, surprise) been trying to apply her thoughts on apologizing to my life. I have to believe that my husband is tired of being a guinea pig to my voracious reading list. At least I didn’t challenge him to a duel after reading Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow–another really interesting book but we won’t be diving into that here.

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Lerner brings up some important points and uses examples from her therapy practice. A lot of the examples she uses are based on some serious gaps in trust, like the mother of a child who was sexually abused by her husband or marital infidelity. I’m not going to address that type of apology here, but will instead look at how you can be a better apologizer at work and at home.

 

Here is the anatomy of a good apology:

 

Timing.  My husband and I had an argument a few weeks ago. I kept peppering him with questions. What he really needed was space. It’s easy to get flooded (when all your blood goes to your primitive reactive brain) and you start saying things you didn’t intend to say (i.e. swearing, belittling comments, etc.). This means it’s not the right time to talk. Certainly, not the right time to apologize. Take a break. Take a walk. Go to sleep. Pick a time that is more conducive to a calm discussion. You will be able to think better. So if your boss yelled at you for forgetting to send the meeting invite, take a break and find a time when you aren’t standing on the back of your heels.

 

Avoid “but”.  As Learner wrote, “Little add-ons like ‘but’ (“I’m sorry I forget your birthday, but I was stressed out with work”) negate responsibility. A heartfelt apology means accepting responsibility for our mistakes without a hint of excuse-making or evasion, even if the other person can’t do the same.” Think of the word “but” as an eraser of what the very first part of the sentence started with. “I’m sorry I was late, but you didn’t send a meeting invite” or “I’m sorry I didn’t feed the dog, but you never feed him.” Doesn’t feel very sincere when you are on the receiving end of that, does it?

 

Avoid “if”. As Learner wrote, “‘If’ will turn your sorry into a not-sorry-at-all.” “I’m sorry if that joke I made at the meeting offended you.” I know I am guilty of using “if”. It keeps the apologizer at arm’s length. It leaves the responsibility with the injured party. “I’m sorry I didn’t inform you of the changes” is much better than “I’m sorry if you didn’t know the changes.” The first example takes the responsibility rather than pushing it onto the other person.

 

Brevity.  This is my loquacious Achilles heel. As I mentioned earlier, I can pepper someone with a thousand questions, especially when I feel injured. Think through an apology and cut it down to one sentence or two. “I’m sorry I was asking a thousand questions last night. I feel like I was overwhelming you.” Lerner has a great example of someone apologizing and going on and on and on, rehashing the situation. This causes the injured party to tune out. They stop listening and it doesn’t feel sincere. This also means not bringing up what Lerner calls injured party’s “crime sheet”. I have a Rolodex of every “crime” my husband has ever committed and I sort by date, type and flavor at will. Put the crime sheet a way. Maybe even burn it.

 

Own it.  This is difficult for a lot of folks and is likely based on how you were brought up. There is a tendency for women to be more likely to apologize and be the peacemakers, but that’s not the rule. Some people feel shame at admitting that they are not perfect. To apologize is to admit imperfection. How many of us had our mothers tell us to “Go say you’re sorry to little Suzy.” I’m not suggesting that our mothers were wrong. More so, it’s to point out we all have different operating systems based on our life experience. If you don’t typically apologize, this is the most difficult step. It’s not easy. See if you own a piece of the responsibility.

 

Listen.  As Stephen Covey famously wrote, “First seek to understand.” Once you have apologized, listen to what the injured party has to say. They may not say anything. They may want to talk about how they feel. They may just want to move on. Don’t hold onto an agenda outside of the apology. Everyone’s deepest need is to be heard and understood. It’s the greatest gift you can give.

 

Think through your next apology and see if you can clean it up a bit. Who do you need to apologize to?

7 Lessons from Reconnecting. No Regrets.

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I originally posted this last year.  It’s the one-year anniversary of this terrific reunion, so I decided to re-post.

“Those Girls and The Blonde” sounds like a great name for an eighties girl band. It wasn’t. It’s the name of my two roommates and I from 1981 when our landlord (otherwise known as Dragon Lady) coined the phrase after “The Blonde” (Susannah) ripped up the carpeting in the basement of our slummish apartment in College town. Susannah is one of the few born and bred Manhattanites I know. She takes charge. She’s decisive. The carpet was horrible and “there’s hard wood floors under there.” So the other “Girl” Janine and I went along for the ride, ripping up the carpet.

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We have remained friends for over 35 years. We all had our first born children in 1993. We’ve seen each other marry (sometimes, divorce) and move to various cities–Washington D.C., San Francisco, Boston, Croton-on-Hudson and Scottsdale. We’ve never lived in the same city at the same time since Ithaca. We’ve had a few reunions but since about 1983, TG&TB have not reunited at the same time sans kids and spouses. So when I had an opportunity to go to Paris, I contacted them both and suggested we reunite in the City of Light. Janine and I were both Paris Virgins and Susannah was fully versed in all things French. We had a plan and TG&TB always execute a plan. We spent 6 days reconnecting in a lovely apartment near the Eiffel Tower.

These are my lessons from reconnecting some 33 years later:

  1. Let someone lead. Several weeks before departing for Paris, I found some activities that we might want to try out. There were huge email trains between the three of us about costs, times, travel between arrondissements, etc. It wasn’t working. It would take several days to get confirmation. So I finally suggested that Susannah take over the planning going forward. Janine and I signed off on whatever Susannah wanted to cook up. We had faith that she knew what we would like and what would work. As they say, too many cooks spoil the broth. Pick a leader, have faith and stick with it.

 

  1. Be willing to get lost. Ever since my daughter turned me on to Google Maps for walking directions in Manhattan, I’ve been pretty obsessed with not being lost. I realize now I am a “Direction Control Freak.” I also hate to appear as the tourist with the pocket map. I had to let my judgment go. For God’s sake, Cathy, you are a tourist. Who cares if someone else knows it? They will the minute you try and say “Bon jour.” So what if we walked the wrong direction for half a mile in the Marais? It’s Paris. Every street is interesting and unique. I believe it was Janine who said, “It’s all as intended. We are where we need to be. No regrets.” When we were lost, we stumbled on an out-of-the-way café, full of locals and sans tourists. It was wonderful. Get lost.

 

  1. Quality versus quantity. When you go into one of the largest museums in the world, focus on quality over quantity. We took a guided tour through the Louvre with an American expat who had phenomenal art and history knowledge. We stood looking at a sculpture of Hercules for almost 20 minutes. We discovered how his face change from docile to contemplative, depending on the angle. It was fascinating. I’ve never spent that kind of time on one piece of art….ever. I’m more of a fast food consumer of art. Trying to check off each piece as fast as possible. Degas…check, Renoir….check, Mona Lisa…check. This is not the way to appreciate art. This was a huge shift for me and I appreciate our guide’s contemplative example. Don’t consume. Appreciate.

 

  1. Make space for connection. I’m not positive, but I think we ducked into at least three cafes a day. So if we had walked for an hour, we’d grab a table and a drink. If we stumbled onto an interesting café, we’d grab some café crème. It was around one of these tables that we reconnected about career choices, our kids and reminisced about our youth. Those conversations may not have happened if we were too busy trying to make sure we went to every museum in Paris (which I’m not sure is possible, but is certainly not practical). I found fantastic advice and stories from two women I respect immensely.

 

  1. Utilize your strengths. We all were paying for different things. I figured it would all wash out by the end. I didn’t feel compelled to keep track. Thank goodness Janine is incredibly organized and meticulous. Between the exchange rate and dollars versus euros, she kept it all straight. Susannah was our motivation. She knew the best falafel place in Paris. It might have been a mile and a half away, but her enthusiasm was contagious. So what if we walk 8 miles in one day. I was the compass. Street crossing in Paris is pretty crazy. Cars and motorcycles come ricocheting from all angles, and walking at the cross walk is critical. It became a chess match of how to get to the street you wanted to without losing life or limb. Fall back on your strengths.

 

  1. Be realistic. We made sure that we were rarely rushed. If we wanted to check out a park on the way to Notre Dame, we made sure it was doable at a slow pace with time to spare.  If it wasn’t? Move on. If the Uber driver hasn’t been able to find you for twenty minutes, take a cab. If the maître’d explains that the dish has raw duck in it, order something else. Be realistic.

 

  1. Be open to adventure. Janine and I went up the Eiffel Tower together. It’s a pretty trippy adventure. The funicular is at an angle and with all the structure supports going by, it is a bit disorienting. When we got to the top, I wanted to stay inside. I was as high as my acrophobia wanted to take me. Janine ran upstairs and ran back down. “Cath.  You have to go to the top.  It’s not bad.” I did and it was worth the flight of stairs up. Susannah wanted to see the Saint-Chappelle. From the outside, it’s not very impressive and we had just been through Notre Dame. When we entered what I later found out was the first floor, it had some chipping paint with a low ceiling and trinket stands. I thought, “What’s the big deal?” Then we walked up a stone circular staircase (did I mention I’m claustrophobic?). At the top was, and remains, the most beautiful chapel I have ever stood in. My breath was taken away and tears were in my eyes. I know that if I hadn’t gone with TG&TB to Paris, I would never have stood in that awe-inspiring spot. Be an adventurer.

 

This was a trip of a lifetime with two of my favorite people in the world. Think about it. Who would you like to connect to again? Break out of your normal agenda and take off on a reunion adventure of your own. There will be no regrets.

5 Years of Showing Up. Success by Default.

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This is my 260th post. That means I’ve been showing up every week with a post for five years. This is not what I envisioned when I started. I gave it six months mentally. I decided to write a blog for six months and then make a decision. Well I did the first part. I wrote a post every week for six months, but I never made a decision. I just kept showing up. We all do that. Make a decision by not making a decision. Success by default.

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I started an exercise program 3 plus years ago. I show up everyday and work out. I do three mental games on Luminosity every day for about 3 minutes. I’ve been doing that for about 3 years and 4 months. I meditate every day for 10 minutes. I’ve been doing that for over 4 and a half years. I didn’t do it all in one day. On January 1st, I didn’t decide to start writing a blog, working out, mediating and doing some mental games. Sounds like a lot. It couldn’t be maintained if I did it all at once. I would be overwhelmed and burned out. I added something to my routine gradually over time. Small incremental changes over time and being committed to showing up. Once it’s part of my routine, it’s hard to shake. It’s what I do. I know how to show up.

So how do you do it? How do you show up? Here are some tips:

1. The 20 Second Rule. Set things up so it only takes 20 seconds. Shawn Achor wrote about this in The Happiness Advantage. If your sneakers are by your bed, or your meditation app is on the first page of your phone, or your dvd is primed with the workout you want to do…you will do it. Take the clarinet out of the closet, the book you want to read off the shelf, find that recipe you’ve always said you would make. Whatever you want to “show up” for better be easy to reach, find or access. I started writing my blog after my husband refinished an office for me. I have my space and it’s easy to access my “blog” folder. Showing up should only be 20 seconds away.

2. Buddy. Find a buddy to hold you accountable. Periodically, my son (who was a freshman in college at the time) would text me in the middle of the night and ask me to wake him up in the morning at some designated hour. He would add, “And make sure I stay up!” Hmmm. How am I supposed to do this from an 11-hour drive away…throw a shoe? At the appointed hour, I ask him to send a photo of the elevator (his dorm is on the 11th floor) within 15 minutes. It worked. He knows he can count on me. I’m his accountability buddy for early morning workouts. Find your accountability buddy–someone to nudge you when you need it.

3. Bucket. When possible, set up routines when you have a full bucket. A full willpower bucket. As Charles Duhigg illustrates in The Power of Habit, “We all start with a full bucket in the morning of willpower.” Slowly but surely, it leaks away. The more we test our willpower, say by trying out a new diet (strictly eating cabbage all day) or trying to quit smoking…we quickly deplete our willpower reservoir. So if you want to start a new routine or habit, try it early in the day before you start to be tested or try only one new habit at a time. So don’t quit smoking, go on a cabbage diet and start writing a blog all in the same day. Really bad idea. Keep in mind the level of your willpower bucket.

4. Chunks. Make big things into small chunks. How do you eat an elephant? You start with an eyelash. When I coach folks, this is something that only the coachee can decide. If I tell the coachee, well, finish the project by Friday…they will not lift a finger. They need to decide how they want to chunk it. Some spend 15 minutes a day; some will have their to-do list for the week by 10 AM Sunday; some have an app for that; some start on the top shelf, the left side of the drawer. Chunk it up. But make sure you are chunking it the way you like it. Would you let your friend cut up your food on your plate for you? Nope. Carve it into the chunks you want.

5. Reflect. Reflect back on what you did…not what you didn’t. I’ve had clients come into a coaching session and be completely dejected. “I didn’t get anything done.” Really? By the end of the session, when we really look back, they’ve completed every action item, frequently over-completed, but they are focusing on the one thing they didn’t get to. I only exercised two times this week and I wanted to exercise four times. Don’t dwell on the one thing you didn’t do. You are human. Bask in the fact that you completed so many other things and you are moving forward. Reflect and acknowledge your accomplishments.

I never imagined five years ago that I would have a thriving blog with hundreds of followers and viewers from over 100 countries. But it’s a habit now. I show up and write.

What do you want to show up for?

How to Mix a Work-Life Cocktail

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You get an email from a colleague at 7 PM on a Friday night that makes your blood boil. This leads to a fitful night of sleep. You wake up Saturday and know you have to alert your boss but you don’t want to mess up her weekend. You get a text in the middle of a staff meeting that your kid split his pants at school. You HAVE to head home and cart the new pants out to the middle school. There is no “balance” to work-life or life-work. There is only a blended cocktail. There is no separating of the two anymore.

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Apparently, according to Wikipedia, “the expression ‘work–life balance’ was first used in the United Kingdom in the late 1970s to describe the balance between an individual’s work and personal life.” The 1970s were before smart phones, the internet and the flood of information transfer created by current technology. It made me wonder what we even had to balance in 1970?  I’m pretty sure I was balancing doing homework versus watching The Brady Bunch. Now we spend so much time on being in front of a screen because of phones, tablets, computers and television that it’s impossible to keep a separation between work and life. So let’s give in and figure out how to mix the best work-life cocktail.

Here are the ingredients:

  • Red bull.  In other words, energy. The ingredient that fuels any life is energy. As George Mienie wrote, “In my world, it’s about managing your energies rather than balancing time. Identifying when your energy levels are high vs. when they are low helps you apportion your tasks to match your energy levels.” I work best in the morning. I make sure that I put the biggest, gnarliest task first thing in the morning when I have the most energy. I can assume you have the most energy in the morning but there are many folks who are night owls. So figure out when your “red bull” zone is and capitalize on it.
  • Know what your key results are supposed to look like.  If you are making a Piña Colada, you don’t need a martini glass. So if you want to make sure you have a weekly date with your spouse to enhance your relationship, don’t plan bi-weekly business trips that bleed into the weekend. Do you have a vision statement? Do you know what success looks like? Pick the shape of your life and then choose the glass. Don’t let the glass choose you.
  • It’s your cocktail.  Don’t buy into someone else’s cocktail. You’ve done it. You see your friend is in Thailand, leading an elephant and you say to yourself, “Damn, I want to do that.” Social media creates cocktail envy. I remember telling my friend that I wanted her life and she promptly said, “You want your life.” She’s right. I can’t live by someone else’s rules and priorities. As Don Gregory wrote in Success, “Ignore other people’s judgments and focus on what makes you feel healthy and happy.” Figure out what you want in a cocktail and stick with it. Don’t go jumping from cocktail to cocktail.
  • Time.  Quit trying to balance the time you spend between work and life. Watching the clock is not going to balance the scale. There is way too much bleed through. As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I can lose an entire night of sleep about an errant email. So there are 6 hours I can’t get back, and there is no way my job is going to repay me for that lost night’s sleep. As written by Gregory, “When looking for work-life balance, time is not a good thing by which to judge.” I spend about an hour a week setting up positive posts on social media. I cannot tell you how many people comment on my posts and value the positivity. The value I add far outweighs the time I take to set up the posts. Quit watching the clock. Focus on the cocktail and the value it brings.
  • Bitters.  I love a cocktail with a splash of bitters. My bitters are my morning routine that set me up for my day. I’ve been studying Spanish for the last year on my Duolingo app. Some mornings, I trudge through my lesson for the day; sometimes I look forward to it. Sometimes I pick an easier lesson so I can finish it faster. It’s OK. The point is I suck up the bitters to keep my mind in better shape. Learning something new is linked to longevity. Don’t you want a long lived cocktail? Be sure to add some bitters.
  • Mindfulness.  I see you rolling your eyes. Cathy is always preaching mindfulness. I recently purchased an iWatch and there is an app on there called Breathe. It’s awesome. You don’t need to have a pillow or incense or a statue of a Buddha. The app helps you breathe for one minute. You have one minute. We all have one minute. Getting back into your body and out of your head is important for a calmer mind. Mix some mindfulness into your cocktail.

 

Have I convinced you to stop trying to balance all the parts of your life? Try and focus on what’s important to you and look at what value you want to bring in your life’s cocktail.

How to Embrace Wabi-Sabi

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You walk into your office and there are a couple of blinds that are off kilter. You huff in frustration and try to line them up. You get in the shortest line at Lowe’s only to find out the folks in front are waiting for a price check. Sigh. This is going to be a long wait. You finish your laundry for a long business trip, only to realize that you forgot to wash your favorite slacks. Ugh.

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The answer to all this frustration and gnashing of teeth is embracing wabi-sabi. So what the heck is wabi-sabi? It’s a Japanese term which means – to embrace imperfection. So, if your favorite coffee cup has a chip, you find fingerprints on your dashboard, or the graph you just made doesn’t have the font you prefer…you accept its imperfection. Wabi is defined as – a quality of austere and serene beauty expressing a mood of spiritual solitude, recognized in Zen Buddhist philosophy. Sabi is defined as – things that come with age or time and taking pleasure in that which is old or well used. Put them together and it means acceptance of things as they are including imperfection, impermanence and incompleteness.

 

Here is how to embrace wabi-sabi:

 

  • Accepting others and ourselves.  Quit judging the imperfections of others and yourself. As Barbara Scoville wrote for Tiny Buddha, “Flaws are the leveling field of humanity. We all have them, rich and poor alike. It is our blemishes that connect us with our humanness.” Judgment is debilitating. I can get caught up in judging what someone else is wearing or my jeans fitting too tight. None of this really matters in the grand scheme of things, so let it go. Spend your judgment on important things, like whether or not you should invest in your 401k.

 

  • Accept impermanence.  Buddha wrote, “All conditioned things are impermanent — when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering.” This has been a glaring reality as I am into my fifth month out of my house, after our house being flooded by Hurricane Matthew. I thought I would be in that house until I retired. Every week as we rebuilt, there seemed to be another setback. Another wall, cabinet or door removed. I have adopted the phrase, “This too shall pass.” Getting caught up with the way it was or should be is a mirage and only causes more suffering. Let it go.

 

  • Accept what is incomplete.  There was a time where I had a complete set of dishes, silverware and glassware. Over the last twenty years things have broken, been lost or float away to one of my kid’s dorm rooms. My daughter embraces this “incompleteness.” She frequently wears two of my earrings that I was discarding  and are unmatched. One is a blue parrot and the other is blue stone. She wears them at the same time. It’s perfectly incomplete. My trash is her beauty. There is beauty in the absence of perfection.

 

  • Set your intention.  My husband and I headed out to check on the status of a cabinet that was lost in shipping, and selected grout for the kitchen and bathroom floors. We had been frustrated with the cabinet because it was likely going to hold up the entire project for six weeks. Before we left the house, I said, “This is going to be a great day.” It was. The cabinet is being rushed and will be here in two weeks instead of six. I feel like having a positive outlook had an impact on our Karma. If you look for things to go your way, they will. As we both said by the end of the day, “The light at the end of the tunnel is a lot brighter now.”

 

  • Accept what is now.  My dear friend Susannah has been facing impermanence as she and her husband weigh job prospects across the United States. She has lived in her community for twenty years and can’t imagine living anywhere else. Fretting over what might be is causing her to suffer. It is all one big unknown. The wonderful thing is that she has a meditation and yoga practice, which can center her and bring her back to the now. Don’t look back and don’t worry about the future. Embrace the now.

 

This is all a work in progress. We are all works in progress. It’s not easy, but understanding and embracing wabi-sabi in your life can bring freedom from suffering.

How to Be More Resilient

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

When Hurricane Matthew didn’t make the predicted hard right turn as it passed over South Carolina back on October 8th, and instead dumped 16 inches of water on our Eastern North Carolina lake-front home, I didn’t think that this experience was going to be a test in resilience. My husband, dog and I have been living at Camp Matthew for over three months now. It’s been uncomfortable. It’s been cramped. It’s tested all of our relationships. But it has made us all more resilient.

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I have the honor of coaching some fantastic clients, two of whom had huge shifts if their lives this week. Those shifts happened because of their remarkable resilience. Just when you think you are at the end of your rope, there is a magical shift. Everything does a 180. If they hadn’t been able to dip into their bucket of resilience, I don’t think they ever would have arrived at their magic turning point.

Here are my thoughts on how to be more resilient:

  • Label the emotion.  I’ve been using the Whil app for about a year now. Whil has a whole host of teachers who have provided guided meditations and thought-provoking lectures. I listen for about 10 minutes every day. Several of the teachers talk about labeling your feelings. Say if you resent your boss for not returning your call, instead of ruminating, trying to escape, or stifling the feeling, call it out in your own head. Indeed, this is what resentment feels like. Then feel it. Do you find it in your stomach, your shoulders, a tightness in your throat, a heat at your temples? I’ve been feeling “helpless” because some days, there is a beehive of repair on our house followed by days of silence. When I label it and actually “feel” it in my body, instead of trying to escape it, it fades away. It’s difficult to be resilient if you can’t label and feel your emotions.

 

  • Acceptance.  In today’s day and age, nothing is simple. Whether you are in a legal battle, trying to sell your home, being audited or trying to get money to reconstruct your house after a flood. It’s not going to be easy. My clients and I have accepted that most things don’t happen overnight. Whether I need to call some federal agency, the mortgage company, flooring representative or an insurance company, I have come to accept that we are going to have to jump through a few hoops. If you let every one of those hoops devastate you, it will be difficult to have forward progress. Having an attitude of acceptance makes you more resilient.

 

  • Reflect on the progress.  One of the best reasons to have a coach is to reflect on your progress. My coach is the phenomenal Tammi Wheeler. She helps me reflect on the progress I’ve made, rather than dwelling on everything that has gone wrong. Taking stock is huge when you’re living in the land of limbo. So we may be living on top of each other at Camp Matthew, but we finally got a disbursement from the mortgage company. The sheet-rock is finally going up. The toilet is not on our front porch anymore. The attorney finally responded. I’ve turned in all the paperwork for the new mortgage.  Reflect and acknowledge what you have accomplished to bolster your resilience.

 

  • Be a quitter.  Say what, Cathy? What the heck does that have to do with resilience? As Eric Barker wrote for Time, “You can do anything — when you stop trying to do everything.” I can’t be everything to everybody. I used to cook every day at home with a new recipe every night. My husband and I rarely ate out. Now? I buy pre-marinated chicken, open a can of chili or meet my husband for dinner out. Maybe when I get home, I’ll be a gourmet cook again; maybe not. But I’m not going to feel guilty about taking some short cuts. Quitting some things helps you be more resilient with the things that matter now.

 

  • Routine.  I haven’t quit everything, but I have reconfigured my routine. In the days following the flood, I fell out of sync with my routine. I was a stressed out mess. As we regained power and landed in Camp Matthew (our wonderful, generous friends’ in-law unit), I reworked my routine of meditation, yoga and learning Spanish. Once my routine was back in sync, I was able to handle the ebb and flow of the aftermath. I personally credit my meditation practice and turning off television news with my increased resilience. but you need to find what works for you. In a state of constant change, having a routine that bolsters, rather than deflates you, is important for resilience.

 

There are going to be pain points. We are not perfect, nor will we ever be. There was a moment when I actually cussed out a customer service person. I’m not proud of that, but I was also able to accept this lapse in judgment at the moment. When you start going down that hole of negativity, just make sure you can resolve to step out of it and veer back to resilience.

How to Thank More and Apologize Less

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

I am a sorry-holic. I’m not sure how this happened but I will apologize for just about anything. If someone is late for my class, I’ll say, “Sorry, but we had to start.”If my husband is explaining the timeline for the reconstruction of our house, I’ll say, “I’m sorry, but I need you to explain the process again.” If someone accidentally bumps into me, I’ll say “Sorry.” There may be some legitimate things I need to apologize for, like missing a payment or deadline I committed to. But I do not need to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the world. Even if it’s just in my world.

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I recently read this Lifehacker article by Patrick Allan called “How to Stop Apologizing for Everything You Do.” I suddenly realized that I was an over-apologizer. There are a lot of us out there. I love this one sentence: “It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you keep falling on a sword that shouldn’t come out of its sheath in the first place.” I’ve been impaled for decades. Time to put that sword back in its sheath.

 

So here is how I’ve worked on putting the sword back:

 

  • Admit I have a problem. I need to own it to be able to change it. I’ve started noticing how often I apologize. I almost feel like having a sorry jar. When my kids were little, we had a jar for anytime anyone cussed. Our neighbor Mr. Fred kept that jar pretty full. So maybe I need to put a dollar in a jar every time I say sorry.

 

  • Notice how you feel. Every time I apologize, I feel just a little bit diminished. Like my thoughts, feelings, rights just don’t matter as much as everyone else. That’s crazy. Of course, my thoughts, feelings and rights matter as much as anyone else. Apologizing all the time is making me feel small. When I even catch myself one time not apologizing, I feel a little bigger. More confident. Less marginalized.

 

  • Work thank you into your language. There is a great cartoon by Yao Xiao. Each pane shows a way to work Thanks instead of Sorry into your language. I love the one that says Thank you for your patience instead of Sorry I’m always late. What’s interesting is that the person receiving the thank you feels better than if they receive the apology. What a terrific reframe. This is so much more positive than the apology. It’s a win-win.

 

  • Catch yourself doing something right. I burnt the bacon yesterday. It was perfect today. As Julia Child famously said, “You should never apologize at the table.” So I ate the bacon and didn’t say a word. This morning I said, “Hey, this is perfect.” My husband agreed. Instead of falling on the sword yesterday, I owned the better outcome today. Take credit when you do something right instead of dwelling on what went wrong.

 

  • Slow and steady wins the race. As I have experienced over the last week since trying to change my default language, don’t get self-critical if you let a few apologies slip.  It’s OK. Habit change is tough and requires working on one or two little pieces at a time. I have tried to thank more, which usually makes apologizing unnecessary.

 

Keep track today. See if you are being impaled on a regular basis. Keep that sword in its sheath.

Do It Scared

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You want to ask for a raise from your boss but you chicken out. There’s no way she’ll give you one. You want to get on the new project team but put off asking. Pretty soon, the project is launched and you are sitting on the sidelines. You want to run in that 5k but you have never done one before. You are afraid everyone will be laughing at you (or at least judging you). Fear can stop us in our tracks.

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I recently read Take the Stairs by Rory Vaden and he espoused, “Do it scared.” Being scared can paralyze you into inaction. I have been paralyzed by fear before and I realized that I did decide that I would do it scared. So Vaden’s words resonated for me. If you wait for the fear to dissipate, well…that could be a long wait. There are some things I am still afraid of. One example that comes to mind is a bridge in Western North Carolina that is called “Mile High Swinging Bridge.” I saw my son and brother walk across that perilously high moving bridge, but my acrophobia hijacked my brain. I just couldn’t do it. I froze. On the other hand, there are many examples of how I did step into fear, and it’s made me a stronger, more confident person.

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So here are ways to Do It Scared:

 

  • Reframe it as a challenge.  In Kelly McGonigal’s book, The Upside of Stress, she writes that instead of saying you are nervous about the speech you are giving tomorrow, reframe it instead into a positive, like “I’m excited about the speech I’m giving tomorrow.” I actually explained this to my husband after I read the book and he holds me accountable for my language. So if I say, “I’m nervous about this facilitation I’m doing tomorrow.” He’ll say, “Aren’t you excited about the facilitation tomorrow?” This helps me regroup and dampen down the fear.

 

  • Find your why.  I have a white board in my office that says “Make a Difference in People’s Lives!” This is my why. So when I’m doing something scary like facilitating or speaking with a group  I am not familiar with, I make sure I set my attention to make a difference in their lives. I want at least one person in that room to have a takeaway to improve their life. That’s not as intimidating as “I want everyone in the room to love me.” I am just there to change one person’s life. If there is more? Great. But one person out of that roomful of seventy people having a take away is definitely possible.

 

  • Don’t wait to be comfortable.  Vaden wrote, “Do it uncomfortable.” I have fallen for this before. I’ll want to wait until all the conditions are perfect, but perfect never comes. Pretty soon procrastination takes over. I’m waiting on one more data point. One more piece of feedback. When I was standing next to that bridge, I was waiting for the wind to stop. It didn’t. Comfortable never comes so you never take the first step.

 

  • Find an accomplice.  The first time I spoke in another state, I brought my husband along. I knew I was going to be nervous because it was a big group, and the facilitation I was doing was new to me. I wanted support, so I brought it with me. I think I might have walked across that bridge if my husband was there to hold my hand. Wind or no wind. Put together a personal board of directors–your team to help guide your life and/or business. I have “Cathy’s Brain Trust”, who help me with topic choices and editing my blog. I feel accountable to them to have a new post every week. Having support helps me face my fears.

 

  • Jump.  It’s funny but on that same trip to Grandfather Mountain and that darn bridge, my son and I did a zip line trip. I had never been on a zip line before but it sounded like fun. Of course, I hadn’t really thought it through. Which was probably a good idea. First you sign your life away. Then they start suiting you up with a hard hat, gloves and straps. Next thing you know you are following a group of 8 people up to the platform to take the leap. Maybe I didn’t want to chicken out in front of my son. Maybe I didn’t want to chicken out on myself. I took the leap and it was a blast. Sometimes thinking it through paralyzes you. Jump.

 

  • One day at a time.  I usually have a facilitation or speaking gig a few times a month. There was a time where I worried about it for weeks before, especially if there were five different topics scheduled that month. I learned that by looking at it a week ahead and preparing (i.e. review the materials, gather flip charts and PowerPoints, post it notes, etc.), I spend less time worrying about the event. I felt more confident and don’t let the fear of public speaking hijack me. Prepare one day at a time.

 

This is not to say that every event has been flawless. Sometimes I talk too fast or forget an important piece. But that’s OK. At least I stepped into fear and did it scared. The more I do it, the easier it gets. Oh and that darn bridge? It’s still on my bucket list. What do you need to do scared?