🚐 The Viking Trail – Newfoundland

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Route 430 is the 257-mile road that goes from Corner Brook to L’Anse aux Meadow on the Great Northern Peninsula of Newfoundland. I traveled the entire route in my RV, Abeona, while exploring Newfoundland for a month in the summer of 2025. The route is called the Viking Trail for the Norse folks who came here in approximately 1000 AD (well before any other Europeans). There is an immense amount of beauty along this road which takes you from Deer Lake all the way to the tip of the peninsula at L’Anse aux Meadow and along the way there are two UNESCO world heritage sites. UNESCO sites are known for their universal value and protected for future generations. 

Gros Morne National Park is stunning and enormous. It’s the second largest National Park in Atlantic Canada with 697 square miles. It’s part of the Long Range Mountain range which is an extension of the Appalachian Mountains. It became a UNESCO world heritage site in 1987 because “The park provides a rare example of the process of continental drift, where deep ocean crust and the rocks of the earth’s mantle lie exposed.” Geologists discovered the ancient North American trilobite fossils matched those in Spain and North Africa. I took a hike at Green Point and sure enough you can see the Earth’s mantle there on the side of a cliff. There is also a long shelf which causes the north Labrador Sea to crash sideways. It’s quite remarkable to stand in a place that was formed over 1.2 billion years ago.

The rebuilt Norse encampment in L’Anse aux Meadows, Newfoundland

I scored a boat ride on Western Brook Pond (quite an understatement) on a clear day.  This was a two-hour tour which was simply awe inspiring. I felt transported as we traveled on a fresh water lake that once was attached to the sea.  Here a 2,000-foot glacier carved fjords that loomed over us as we traveled the length of the lake. Impossibly high water falls and jagged cliffs with formations like the “tin man” and “the old man on the mountain” are here. Some of the waterfalls are so high that they evaporate into mist before reaching the lake below. At one point I felt like I was in Yosemite and looking at El Capitan as the rock face was so gigantic; even though El Capitan is a thousand feet higher. Perhaps it’s the stunning lake at the base but the fjords rise majestically above. It’s a 2 miles hike to get to the boat ride and back but it’s worth the effort to see this incredible site. 

I camped overnight in Port aux Choix.  It was pretty cool because the campsites were next to the Gulf of the Saint Lawrence.  I ventured over to the Port aux Choix lighthouse and saw the lobster boats that go out at sunrise pulling in traps. This area has deep historical significance because there is evidence of over 5000 years of Archaic, Groswater and Dorset-Palaeo Eskimos in the area.  Burial sites in the area discovered in the 1960’s are unusually well preserved due to the raised shoreline and alkaline soil. It makes sense that this area has been inhabited for so long because Port aux Choix has a large protected port which now has fishing vessels. 

From Port aux Choix, I continued on to Flower’s Cove which is famous for thrombolites. Thrombolites are very rare fossils from 650 million years ago with remnants of bacteria and algae. The only other place in the world to find them are in Australia. They look dome shaped and dot the coast line. 

I had two purposes in coming to Newfoundland, one was to see an iceberg; I am happy to report I saw many. And the other was to see the first place that Europeans landed in North America. I am the daughter of a history teacher and when I was eight years old, we traveled to Minnesota to investigate the Kensington Stone and look for evidence of Viking explorers. This was all to help my father teach investigative history to his students. The Kensington stone has since been debunked as a hoax, so coming to L’Anse aux Meadows, I was excited to find evidence of the discovery of the Americas by Europeans. 

L’Anse aux Meadow was just a fishing village on the tip of Newfoundland when Helge and Anne Stine Ingstad were shown what was thought to be an Indigenous campsite by a local fisherman. It was an indigenous campsite and, as they discovered, also an 11th century Viking settlement. There were a few significant artifacts found including a forge and metal objects which were likely used in ship repair.  It also corresponds with the stories told in the Vinland Sagas which document the voyages of Leif Erikson and other Norse explorers who came from Greenland and Iceland. They have rebuilt several of the dwellings based on Norse traditions.  It’s quite remarkable to tour the area.  This is seen as the end of the circle of exploration since crossing the Atlantic was the last piece of migration across the globe. 

I was so excited to visit this remote area of the world and explore something that I know my father would have loved. I left some of my father’s ashes there so that he too could be a part of history, the subject he loved so much. 

👯 Adult Friendships: A Primer

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I recently read Mel Robbin’s book, Let Them. It’s a great book to learn to let go of the things you can’t control, which for me, can be focused on trying to chart the course of my adult children’s lives. Robbin’s book helps me focus on what I can control which is me and how I want to show up.  She also dives into the perils of adult friendships. I can get caught up with my old high school friend traveling to Bali or the gang getting together at the haunt in my old neighborhood. I’ve learned to not be attached to what everyone else is doing. It’s none of my business. My business is my life and where I want to be right now. 

My college roommates, Janine and Susannah, also know as Those Girls and the Blonde, reconnecting at a cooking class in Paris in 2016.

Robbins’ points out adult friendships are so difficult for three main reasons: Proximity, Timing and Energy:

Proximity.  When we were all in grade school, we saw the same folks every day, in class, on the playground and even in the neighborhood. I grew up on a cul de sac which was chock full of kick the can and touch football games practically every day. My friends or potential friends were around me constantly.  In fact, my closest friend to this day was a neighbor from two doors away on that cul de sac. Robbins defines proximity as physical closeness. “This matters way more than you think,” she says, citing research that shows it takes 50 hours to become a casual friend and 200 to become a close friend. If you’re not around each other, it’s hard to log the time required for a real connection. When you’re no longer in school or living with friends, that kind of time together doesn’t happen by accident. “The number one predictor of friendship is how often you see people,” Robbins explains.  This is a real eye opener. If I want to make friends as an adult, I need to spend more time focusing on connecting and meeting more people.

Timing. Everyone is on a different path and in a different season in life. Even as I am in my sixties, I have friends that are still raising children, some heavily involved with their grandchildren and then some are traveling the world or living it up in a retirement community. When we were in first grade, we all just wanted to make it to Christmas break and prayed for enough snow to close school and go sledding. Now, I’m lucky to be in the same time zone with my college and high school friends let alone the same place in life. Robbins gives the example of coworkers: You might like the people you work with, but if one person is juggling three young kids and another is traveling every weekend, you may never build the connection required for any kind of deeper friendship. The same goes for long-time friends. “Sometimes, the distance isn’t emotional; it’s just the fact that your lives have diverged,” she says. I recently was able to see two of my college roommates about 24 hours apart as I traveled up the east coast. These friends who I had traveled to Paris with and Boston in the last decade, are still my close friends but we rarely are able to be together at the same time. I’ve learned to be more open and take what time I can get with a friend. For me, it’s not the quantity of time but just making the opportunity.

Energy. Energy is how it feels when you’re around someone, and often, that energy changes based on the two reasons above. “Do you feel safe, supported, and understood?” Robbins asks. “Energy is one of those things you can’t fake.” You might have the same job or live in the same building, but if the emotional vibe between you isn’t clicking, the relationship won’t thrive. I think of this as, “you can’t push a rope”.  I’ve spent tons of time on wedging myself into someone else’s life that just doesn’t have the space or energy for me. I think to myself now, “welp, you can’t push a rope.”  I have reached out to an old friend several times to connect for lunch and the timing (see above) is never right. In my mind, only energy can help overcome timing and proximity and if it’s all MY energy, then maybe it’s time to let it go for this season. I have found that especially with my long term (plus 40 years of friendship) friends that we might go a decade without reconnecting and yet when we meet up at the restaurant or on that trail when the stars align, it’s magic. We know each other’s stories and roots. We reconnect instantly and time evaporates. I believe it’s because we are both bringing energy.

So, what do you do if you want to make new friendships as an adult? Robbins says that you have to be purposeful. It’s not like heading out to the playground and meeting someone on the swing set. According to Robbins, finding and keeping meaningful friendships as an adult starts with a mindset shift: We have to stop waiting for it to happen and start building it on purpose. So, say hello to that neighbor, join that gym, start a local book club and show up for that meditation class. I have to say that I work harder now at making friends instead of waiting for kismet. Make the call or the text. There are connections out there just waiting for me, I am in charge of making it happen. 

🛳️ The Ferry to Newfoundland

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I just recently traveled from North Sydney, Nova Scotia to Port aux Basques, Newfoundland in June of 2025. This is not my first ferry ride in my intrepid RV named Abeona. My first ferry ride with Abeona was from Bellingham, WA to Skagway AK in the summer of 2024. This was my first trip to Newfoundland and, hopefully, not my last. The Alaska ferry ride is 3 days and the trip to Port aux Basques is 8 hours.  That’s a big difference. I had purchased my tickets for my early June 2025 ride in May of 2024. Over a year in advance.  I had watched a few RV YouTubers and found out that getting space for a larger vehicle AND a berth to sleep in can be difficult, so I planned well in advance. I took the 11:15 PM trip which arrived in Newfoundland at 7:30 AM. There are two ferries a day between North Sydney and Port aux Basques but only one is at night.  I choose the night ferry so that I would have plenty of time to arrive at my next campground. I’m not a fan of setting up camp at night.  Although I had not factored in that the sun wouldn’t be setting until 9:15 PM so maybe that’s not as much an issue as I had anticipated.

As I departed my campsite in Little Bras d’Or, NS, I had twelve hours to kill before the ferry departed at 11:15 PM. I took the opportunity to head to the Cabot Trail of Nova Scotia and to the Cape Breton Highlands National Park. The scenic drive has sheer cliffs, artisan shops and sandy coves. It’s named for explorer John Cabot who was Italian but was commissioned by Henry VII of England to explore North America. He made his voyage in 1497. Every road sign in Cape Breton is written in both English and Gaelic. Cape Breton is quite the melting pot with French, Scottish, English, Mi’kmaq and Irish. Apparently Acadian French, Mi’kmaq, and Scottish Gaelic are spoken here in addition to English. Quite the mélange with a stunning backdrop.

Loading the ferry in North Sydney, Nova Scotia

I arrived back to North Sydney and made sure I filled up with gas before getting in line for the ferry some 4 hours before departure. When I had made the reservation last year, I had given the length of Abeona at 25 feet since I was warned not to be under on the length lest they decide we couldn’t fit. A man came out to measure Abeona and we were actually 24 feet so they gave me a 1.24 CAD refund. The agent at the entry booth was very nice and reminded me to shut off my propane before boarding. I was also given my card for my berth by the same agent. 

Abeona and I sat for 3 hours waiting to board. I sat on my bed in the back relaxing and preparing my overnight bag. There were some facilities with a sitting area and bathrooms but I was perfectly happy hanging out waiting for instructions from over the load speaker. They started loading cars and trucks about 2 and a half hours before departure. I have no idea about the masterplan for loading but apparently there are three decks for vehicles. I’m pretty sure I saw at least 25 eighteen wheelers travel up the roadway to the 5th deck which is where all the commercial vehicles are loaded. It’s quite the undertaking.  Abeona and I were loaded about an hour before departure onto deck 3. It’s a back to front loading ferry which is different than the ferry to Alaska which is side loaded and much more complex to get on and off of. It was a relief that loading was so straightforward. 

I tucked Abeona in and grabbed my backpack to travel to my berth on deck 8. I was anxious to get to bed since it was an overnight trip. It was a very nice berth with twin beds, a full bathroom and a porthole! This was an upgrade from my bunk bed with a sink and no window to Alaska. The ship had a gift shop, restaurant and coffee bar and they were all open for the length of the trip. There were also movies being shown throughout the ship.

Once we set sail and the various boarding announcements stopped, I slept really well.  It was also super nice to have a shower right in my room. They refer to these trips as “crossings”. My crossing was very calm and I didn’t see many white caps on the Cabot Strait.  I grabbed a relatively cheap cup of coffee in the morning which was $2.50. Loading for Deck 3 and 5 were the first to be let off the ship once we were docked.  I saw some folks with a dog in the back of the car when I was walking back to Abeona. I can’t imagine leaving a dog for over 7 hours in my vehicle. Unfortunately, you are not allowed access to your vehicle until the ship is docked and the crossing is complete.

Abeona and I easily disembarked and I headed to a grocery store in Port aux Basques, parked and waited until it opened at 8:30 AM. I find it crazy that Newfoundland and Labrador (one province) are a half hour ahead of Atlantic time. So, if it’s 7:00 AM in North Sydney it’s 7:30 in Port aux Basques and my watch and phone automatically updated to the new time. It feels strange to be 30 minutes off from the rest of the world. It’s a small price to pay for this enormous island that is referred to as “The Rock”. I’m looking forward to exploring it for the next month. 

🫣 Unresolved Conflict

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As a restaurant owner and Human Resource professional over the past 20 plus years, I’ve seen plenty of unresolved workplace conflict.  It’s like the kitchen garbage can with rotting shrimp shells in the bottom; everyone smells it but no one wants to deal with it.  So we let it fester and things fester. Blood pressure rises, people start avoiding each other, less eye contact; our mind goes wild with what we figure the other person is thinking.  We think we know their true motivation as the paranoia mounts.

There were countless times I was brought in to end the avoidance….to get to the bottom of the smelly mess.  So how do you handle the conflict?  Here are some tried and true maneuvers:

1. Timing is everything.  Don’t talk to someone when they just get back from vacation and are buried in email and return phone calls.  Give them a day or two to dig out and take a temperature check.  Read their body language.  A little tension in the shoulders…using short curt sentences….relax and wait.  Sense of humor is back?  Just got a great sales report?  This might be your opening.

2. Privacy.  This  cannot be emphasized enough.  Don’t bring up the smelly issue in front of or within ear shot of any other human being.  Never.  Ever.   Their listening skills will be out to lunch and their blood pressure will shoot up.  No one likes to be embarrassed and if there is even the slightest chance that UPS delivery guy might walk by; relax and wait.

3. Facts.  Research your smelly issue thoroughly.  No hunches.  No assumptions.  No jumping to conclusions.  Do your best reconnaissance…you watch CSI…investigate.  This is especially true in the “he said, she said, they said and we said” type of smelly issue.  Find any and all witnesses and alleged witnesses (can’t tell you how many times in a harassment investigation that the “alleged witness” wasn’t even at work that day).  Don’t go at fact finding to just make sure you are“right”.

4. Suspend Assumptions. This goes closely with #3 but it’s imperative that you don’t decide the other person’s motivation; their ulterior motives.  You’ll have them being one step below Bernie Madoff if you’re not careful.  Empty your head of all your negative stereo types….like “Joe is always out for himself” or “Suzy is out to get me”….really?  You know all that?  As Byron Katie says at her website “the work”…”Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” Turn off mister ego and shut down your assumption machine.

5. Craft.  Think it through.  How are you going to broach the subject?  Maybe test the waters with another agenda item that isn’t confrontational like “I want to thank you for your help on the turnover report.  It really saved me some time and I got a chance to work on a more pressing project”.  A sincere, specific compliment is a nice lead in.  I can hear you nay-sayers out there…but I can’t think of anything nice to say.  Revisit #4.  Phrase the issue in terms of the other person’s viewpoint.  What is a reasonable explanation for their egregious act?  Give them an out like, “I’m sure you didn’t realize that when I was excluded from the finance team, I felt like you didn’t trust me”, or “I don’t think you are aware but when you told Suzy about the layoff plan, she assumed her job was in jeopardy”.  Think it through and craft the one or two sentences (no more) to summarize and present the smelly issue at hand (stay away from Never, Always and Should).

6. Love.  What are you crazy?  Love my co-worker, boss, workplace nemesis?  I don’t know why it works but if you decide you love someone, even your worst enemy ,the whole thing just works better.  Maybe it’s ch’i, but mentally embracing the other person (do not do this literally…for obvious reasons) helps you to be open to the possibilities; love your enemy.  Bob may never include you on the email with the financial reports but if you love him, it dampens down the resentment and blasts open the possibility of resolution. This also helps with #4.

7. Do it.  When you have completed the preceding steps; just do it.  Have the conversation.  Stay open minded and believe in a positive outcome.  Sometimes, OK a lot of times, it’s a complete surprise to the other person.  But it’s amazing how often people tip toe around an issue, especially a smelly one, and the offending person, had no idea that they angered you or that several people were avoiding them.  Most of the time people don’t realize how they are perceived and want to do their best.  Nine times out of ten, they apologize.  Give them the chance.

This might be messy the first, second or third time around.  But this is going to build trust in the long run.  You will be the Go-To person for conflict resolution and honest constructive feedback.  Slay the elephant.

Let me know what you think.  What workplace conflict are you dealing with?

😳Saying No

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I recently finished The No Club by Babcock, Peyser, Vesterlund and Weingart. This book is a deep dive into the inequality of tasks that women perform on a much more frequent basis than men and the impact it has on their careers. The authors coined an acronym called NPT or Non-Promotable Tasks versus PT with are Promotable Tasks.  Non-Promotable Tasks (NPT) are those tasks with might be useful such as taking notes during a meeting, making coffee or planning the department Christmas Party but they have relatively no effect on the organizational bottom line.  When review time comes around, the NPTs are not going to get you a higher rating or more money in your next salary increase. You know you’re doing an NPT if it’s not driving revenue, it’s invisible to the organization and almost any skill level can take it on (i.e. you don’t need a Bachelor’s degree to make coffee). 

I found it incredibly interesting but not surprising that the authors did several studies and women by and large say Yes more often than men and they volunteer far more often than men.  The authors, for the most part, work in academia and almost 80-90% of committees are comprised of women.  Women are more likely to be asked to do NPTs, while men are focused on PTs.  This creates what the authors referred to as work/work imbalance because women are devoting so much of their energy on the NPTs and the result is working more hours to fulfill the additional demands. It can really pay to know how to say No to free up your time to focus on what really matters for the organization.  Not only for the organization but for your career in general.  Keeping NPTs to a minimum will result in renewed focus on PTs, balance and career success.  Having had a long career in Human Resources, I can tell you that most of the tasks within the Human Resource realm are NPTs; everything from training, recruiting to office celebrations. I have a new awareness of how little this directly related to the bottom line of the organization. I also think that no one notices an NPT until it has taken too long to complete or it’s done badly.  An NPT is rarely remembered when it goes well. 

Here is how to say No.

Volunteer.  Quit volunteering. I remember coaching a client several years ago who was always the first to raise her hand for community outreach, staying late to clean up after the meeting and putting the reports together for the presentation. I suggested that she count to 20 the next time they asked for volunteers. It dramatically reduced what I now know to be NPTs and freed up her time to work on revenue producing activities.  The eighth habit in How Women Rise is the Disease to Please.  Women generally want to please others which causes us to want to volunteer for the tasks that aren’t as valuable to the organization. Weigh out what you are giving up if you volunteer to be on the search committee. What are you saying No to if you say Yes to this.  Perhaps it’s time with your children, your ailing father or time to take care of yourself. Be discerning with the things you volunteer for.

Pause. In the Power of the Positive No by William Ury, he suggests taking a moment or perhaps a few hours to reflect on whether you want to take on a new task.  So instead of replying “Happy to” or “Sure” or “Yes”, say “Let me review some of my deadlines” or “Let me double check a few things and I’ll get back to you.” Of course, if you know it’s a No, say it right away.  There’s no reason to delay your response if you know there is a conflict.  If you are leaning towards Yes, this is a good time to pause and get back to the requester.  Pause before committing or turning it down.

Explain your workload.  I tend to think that everyone knows what I’m working on at any given time.  That the world around me is omniscient and knows that I’m coaching my daughter’s soccer team, I have a big deadline approaching for the widget project and my assistant is out with gallbladder surgery. Most people have no idea what you have on your plate. This is also what Ury described as explain your values.  So “I value doing timely, quality work so I don’t have time for this new project” or “I value being off by 5 PM so that I can spend time with my family”. Shine a light on what’s currently on your plate and your time commitments. You could also explain that you currently have too many NPTs or have been focused on some highly visible PTs. Shed light on what’s currently getting your attention and effort.

Solve the problem.  This is the third step in Ury’s Power of the Positive No. This is basically a proposal to solve the problem.  For example, “I don’t have the bandwidth right now but I think Joe has some time and he’s familiar with this software” or “Once project ABC is done next month, I could devote some time to this.” Find an alternative to you taking on the project or task.  This is especially true if it’s an NPT. It’s also helpful to know who else is skilled to do to the work besides yourself.  Say No by solving the problem.

Say yes while saying no.  This is where you can get creative in saying no by breaking the project or tasks into parts and only taking a piece of it. Or suggesting a limit to the time that you can spend on the project.  So, I can say, “I organize the invitee list if someone else sends out the invites and tracks responses” or “I can devote two hours on Friday to reviewing the slide deck”. You get to say yes but limit your time and effort. Think about ways that you can give a partial yes.

It’s always been a struggle for me to say no. I want to appear helpful and approachable.  I didn’t realize until I read this book that it ended up stifling my career because too much of my time and attention was spent on NPTs.  There are ways to maximize my time besides saying yes. Which method will you try?

😈 How to Slay the Clutter Monster

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One of the biggest attention suckers is clutter – Physical clutter.  I’m sorry, all you pack rats out there; it’s time to purge.  A post in the unclutterer states that “scientists find physical clutter negatively affects your ability to focus & process information.” Basically, visual clutter grabs your attention so that you can’t focus on the process, decision or project at hand.  Might be time to clean up all those nick-knacks or piles of newspapers, huh?

I’m a chronic pillow straightener.  I can’t leave the house unless the pillows are in their place.  In fact, this causes my son to deliberately knock pillows off the couch.  Because he knows it will get under my skin.  Now I know why – they are messing with my visual cortex!  Lay off my visual cortex, will ya?  I want to get something done today.

I bet you know someone in your office that is a clutter monster.   You know, someone whose desk looks similar to Andy Rooney when he was on 60 Minutes.  No wonder his pieces were only 5 minutes each week, his visual cortex was holding him hostage.  I’ve walked into a colleague’s office and, often wondered, “How do they get anything done in here?”  They don’t.  They are being held hostage by their clutter monster.

So how do you slay the clutter monster? Here are a few suggestions:

1.  Commit.  I know we’ve all watched at least one episode of “Hoarders“.  These poor people basically bury themselves in objects.  Even with therapy, most of them can’t commit to keeping clutter at bay.  You’re going to need to commit or there is no point in entering the ring to fight the monster.  Your best work, project or masterpiece is under that load of visual clutter and you are going to need to make up your mind that it needs to surface and the clutter has got to go.

2. Plan.  It can be overwhelming to decide to declutter your entire office or home in one day.  Make a plan and break it up into parts that can be accomplished in 15 or 30 minute chunks.  Such as: top two book shelves, bottom two book shelves, right bathroom cabinet, left bathroom cabinet, etc.  Then schedule it on your calendar.  Maybe every Saturday morning you work for 30 minutes or Mondays and Wednesdays at 5 PM for 15 minutes.  Plan it out.  It will help eliminate the overwhelming need to run out of the house screaming as well as procrastination.

3. Prepare.  You might want to agree to some rules  such as, if I haven’t worn it in the last year, two years, decade (scratch that…if you haven’t worn it in a decade, it’s out of style) then out it goes.  If your last paramour gave it to you, probably bad mojo;  let it go.  That’s a whole other kind of mind clutter.  Is it worth donating?  Is it trash? Is it worth saving?  I went through cookbooks not that long ago and those that were of sentimental value are in a box in the closet, otherwise, I’m either using them or they were donated.

4. Dig in.  Grab two garbage bags and get started.  How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.  It’s either a donation or trash.  If that blouse has a stain on it that you couldn’t get out – neither can Goodwill.  It’s trash.  If you wore those pants thirty pounds ago – someone at Goodwill can wear it now.  It’s a donation.  If you aren’t sure if you want to keep it, put it somewhere that would take some effort to get to.  A box under the bed, the basement, the attic, or your Mom’s house and give it three months.  If you haven’t thought about it, time to purge.

5. Containers.  You’re going to feel tempted to run out and go crazy at the Container Store before Step #1.  Don’t.  You’ve got to start untangling first before you can start organizing.  You won’t know what you need until you’ve started digging in.  Purchasing 50 – 20 gallon fluorescent pink tubs might seem like the right fix but once you’ve unpacked all your kitchenware, you figure out that the cupboard will work just fine.  Do you really need a coffee mug from your old bank in California?  Sometimes an old basket will find a new purpose.  And sometimes, one 20 gallon fluorescent pink tub will work just fine.

6. Rinse and Repeat.  Clutter monsters seem to grow back like kudzu along southern freeways.  Set up a reminder to go back through your office in six months.  On the second pass, you might finally get rid of that conference binder from 6 years ago on employment law. Might be time to refresh the pictures on the credenza (your son gave up soccer 5 years ago).  You still haven’t found a pair of shoes to wear with that dress – time for it to go.  As Christine Kane says “If it’s not an Absolute Yes, it’s a No”.  You’ll need to say No as you move forward to continue to keep the monster under control.

If you buy a new dress, pair of shoes, coffee mug or stapler, swap it in kind with an old dress, pair of shoes, coffee mug or stapler.  Starve your monster, your visual cortex will appreciate it.

What would you do?

🤗 Steps Toward Acceptance

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I’ve just finished reading Gabriel Bernstein’s book, Judgment Detox.  The book is quite thought provoking and it has helped me work on being more accepting instead of judgmental. Gabriel points out how omnipresent judging is and that, “The root cause of all judgment is the fear of not being good enough, not being worthy of love, and not being safe.”  She offers 6 steps in her book but the step that resonated for me was Step 4: See for the first time. This step is all about acceptance.

Here is how to embrace acceptance:

See. I need to see people as they are and not how I want them to be. I think frequently throughout the day when I start to judge someone for some physical attribute, what they’re saying or not saying or what someone is wearing.I tend to have a current judgement of choice like white shoes in winter or stilettos on a subway. In order to “see” the person I need to get rid of all the assumptions I’ve created in a matter of seconds including but not limited to age, income, marital status, attitude, preferences and general intelligence. My judgements are built on a shaky scaffolding of past experiences and slights and wounds that take me away from acceptance and seeing each soul as they are. 

Light. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “The light in you is all I see”. When I assume that everyone has a light inside just trying to break out and shine, I’m am much more forgiving. As Brene Brown espoused, “All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best.  It keeps me out of judgement and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” I just imagine that everyone is trying to let their light shine and I just need to find that light.  Whether it’s a smile, or nod of a stranger or holding the door open or winking at a toddler. I’m trying to find ways to let other’s shine.

Self Acceptance. Acceptance is much more effective if I can accept myself. After all, judgement is the root of self recrimination.  As Bernstein wrote, “I use judgment to take the focus off my own feelings of inadequacy and I project those feelings onto someone else to feel relief.” If I am able to accept myself, including the extra weight, and creaking knees, I am much better equipped to accept others as they are. When I’m feeling self conscious, suddenly I notice everyone’s weight whether it be too much or too little. Self acceptance leads me to accepting other’s and their light.

Humanity.  I need to recognize that the other person is me. We all struggle and I need to have compassion for everyone else’s path. I think to back to when I was drinking, I scoffed at those who didn’t drink. Now that I am on the sobriety path, I need to make sure I have compassion for those who are on the same path, a different path and those who want to be on my path but just aren’t there yet. We are all working on something and I need to be able to hold space for everyone regardless of where they are on their journey.

Assume the best. If I have experience with someone that is frequently negative, I can start creating a play list of what I expect the person to do. Things like, ”She’ll shoot down my idea”, “He never likes my meatloaf”, “They always walk too fast.” I come into the next meeting with that person and expect the worst and set myself up with armor. When I can reframe the situation and assume the best, it’s much more likely to have a positive outcome. So even if she shoots down my idea, I can come back with “what are your thoughts?” It’s the old Henry Ford quote, “If you think you can or can’t, you’re right.” When I think that I can, I feel much more powerful and accepting. 

Acceptance is most difficult closest to home.  I have to be accepting of my children’s choices, my brother’s feedback and my friend’s complex schedule. It’s a relief to accept others as they are and to let them walk their own path without my judgement. How do you practice acceptance?

👑Each of Us is Sovereign

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SOVEREIGN (noun)

a: one possessing or held to possess supreme political power or sovereignty

b: one that exercises supreme authority within a limited sphere

c: an acknowledged leader

Each of us is sovereign.

I learned this concept from a great coach I know, Alysia Vrolyk. I think this is completely applicable to all sorts of areas of your life (and of course mine). It’s probably most applicable if you have a teenage son, are in a committed relationship, work with others or are a coach. So if you are a hermit? Not so much. But if you aren’t, pay attention. You have supreme power over you. I am the acknowledged leader of me. I can love you or lead you or teach you but it is only you who decides what to do with what I give you. Sovereign. 

The best illustration or example of this is the first time a teenage child gets behind the wheel and drives off without any co-pilot…without their mom to tell them to slow down or turn the iPod down. It’s terrifying but true – they are now officially sovereign. Whether that car (and its contents) returns to the driveway is completely and utterly up to that child behind the wheel and all the other sovereigns out there on the road. I have to say I wish I had this concept when my kids were looking at colleges. It’s not up to me, or their guidance counselor or their best friend. The decision of what school is completely up to my sovereign child.

So how do you incorporate a little sovereignty into your life? Here are some tips:

  1. No meddling. Do not meddle in other sovereigns unless you are invited to a détente. So if I’ve started a new exercise regime and I think it would be an awesome idea if my significant other would do the same….stop. If I think the Vice President of Operations should make her whole crew work every weekend until the backlog is gone…stop.   If I think the client’s goal should be to get a promotion instead of feeling confident in their industry knowledge…stop. Respect the authority of others to make their own decisions. If you have not been invited to meddle, don’t.
  2. Detach from the outcome. I wrote recently that my daughter had to decide between three jobs. One of them would have left her in NYC and the other two brought her back home to North Carolina. I could not get attached to any outcome. All three jobs had their pros and cons but if I was excessively attached (like calling every day to find out how job prospect B was coming or constantly talking up prospect B), she would not have ultimately been able to make her own decision. I would have been way too invested in one outcome over another and…she would have resented my opinion. Detach from the outcome.
  3. The gift you bring is your presence. Just because they are their own sovereigns does not mean you can’t be present. In the anguishing weeks where my daughter had to decide where she wanted to be this Fall, we talked several times on the phone. I was present. I listened. She played through the scenarios. She made decisions. I was a sounding board. I wasn’t there to sell her on what I wanted. I was there to let her think things through. It’s the same with clients working through a dilemma. I am present and ask the questions that help them do their own best thinking. You don’t know what you don’t know until you know. Only a sovereign can know what they really want. Sit back and be present.
  4. No sweat. The great facilitator Paul McGinniss uses this phrase when modeling the coaching dialogue and the client hasn’t taken a step they planned. This happens all the time when a client doesn’t do the action they said they wanted to. They didn’t start… exercising, studying for the exam, standing up to their boss, having a meeting with their team. No sweat. Is it still important to you? What would make you feel like you are moving forward on this goal? They are their own sovereign. Let them decide the direction they want to go. You aren’t there for accountability; you are there for reflection and re-framing. Don’t sweat it.
  5. You need to respect your own sovereignty. Don’t lose yourself in giving your time and presence to others. Don’t change the borders of your sovereign just because your neighbor asks. This is not a time to let folks roll over you. Keep the moat filled, the drawbridge in working order and your crown shined up. Don’t diminish your own self-respect. It is great to respect someone else’s space as long as they don’t tread on yours. Keep your back bone and self-respect.

When you grant other’s sovereignty, it’s freeing. You are no longer trying to be a backseat driver for everyone else. You have control of your steering wheel; if someone else fails, let it be. They are on their journey and you are on yours. Accepting that everyone has their own sovereignty untangles the expectations so that we are free to make decisions for ourselves and no one else.

🧐How to Act as IF

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To act As If is to invite or attract what you want into your life. It is a basic tenant of the Law of Attraction. As I headed home from New Bern, North Carolina driving in the rain, I initially became tense behind the wheel and was afraid I was going to hydroplane. I decided that I needed to act as if I would arrive safely at home and to let go of the tension. I imagined that the rain would slow, and I focused on the book I was listening to. The rain didn’t stop immediately, the car didn’t drive itself but once I relaxed into the feeling that I was a safe driver and could handle this, the rain subsided, the car handled beautifully, and I was home. I think that the initial stress and tension had me caught up in fear. When I relaxed and acted as if I was almost home and that the driving was easy, I eased into my goal of arriving safely at home.

It’s not just about positive thoughts. It’s also about positive action. I needed to slow down my car regardless of the truck bearing down behind me. I remember consciously relaxing my hands on the wheel from a vice grip to gentle navigation. I envisioned driving down my driveway safely at home. Most of the work is between the ears, but some of it can be body posture and a smile on your face. All of it is an inside game.

Four easy steps to act As If:

Actor

Imagine that you are Daniel Day-Lewis or Christian Bale preparing for a role. Acting as if requires acting; getting into the role. If you are a successful millionaire, how do you act? If you are a Vice President instead of a director, how do you act? If you are Daniel Day-Lewis performing as Abraham Lincoln, you keep your American accent all day and sign your text “Yours, A.” If you are a drug addict like Christian Bale in The Fighter, you lose 50 pounds and run for 4 hours a day. I have to say when I saw that movie, I remembered thinking, where did they find drug addict to play this part? I had no idea it was Bale. Method actors are famous for taking on the role off-set. They live and breathe it. If you are going to be that millionaire or own that seaside house, you’re going to need to act the part.

As Leeor Alexandra writes for Living Lovelee, “Act accordingly. If you would like to be rich, act rich by spending happily and generously. This is something you might have to practice, especially if you are short on cash. So many of us dread spending even a dollar, and we pay for things reluctantly and with regret. That is the quickest way to become even poorer.” I pay bills the minute they show up and do it with a smile. And, remarkably, money keeps showing up. Act the part and it will be so.

Feel

Take a look at past history and conjure up the feelings and emotions you are looking for. If it’s a new relationship, think back to the first months with your first love and how you felt. The joy, the smile, the giddiness, the wonder of the world. This will attract the same. As written on the Wisdom Post, “If driving a new car makes you feel like a ‘success’, find out an example that you have felt this same feeling before. Take note and be conscious every time when you feel this feeling of ‘success’ every day. Focus on how this feeling has already been attracted to you and continued to come to you on a daily basis. The key is to feel your root emotion in order to feel as if you already have it. As you project more of this emotion, your desire will draw closer to you.”

I have focused on a feeling of being carefree and full of abundance. I am careful not to get caught up in other’s sense of lacking. I don’t hold resentment if I pick up the check or need to help my son with a plane ticket. I feel into the abundance and sense of generosity. I’m not saying I never backslide; I am a work in progress. I regroup and see that I am infinite and can handle anything coming my way. Feel into it.

Speak

Your words are what you manifest. If you say to yourself you are fat, you will be fat. If you say to yourself that you are slim and healthy, you will be slim and healthy. Speak it so it will be so. I lived a long time from a sense of lack. I would tell my kids that we didn’t have enough money for new soccer cleats, a new clarinet or a Vera Bradley bag. I spoke the language of lack and therefore it was so. When I see a large bill now, I say to myself, “I always have money coming in.” It’s amazing how new clients and money are constantly showing up.

As Alexandra wrote, “Watch the way you speak about yourself and your life – if it doesn’t align with the reality you desire, you have to change it. And change it on the spot. Also, take notice of how you react to things people say as well as to every day occurrences. Make sure to only speak and react in the way that you would speak and react once you have manifested your desire. That is how to act as if you already have it.” Speak the language of what you want to attract.

Look

I think of that song, “You’ve got the look.” If I plan on hiking part of the Appalachian Trail then I need to look the part. I have the trail runners, the convertible pants and the quick dry shirt. I wear it on the weekends when I walk in my neighborhood. I may only be at 150 feet above sea level and not at 4,000 feet, but I look the part. It helps me feel the part. If you want to be a yoga instructor, buy the yoga pants. If you want to be a Chief People Officer, wear the suit as if you were born into it. If you want that motorcycle, buy the leather jacket and helmet.

As Alexandra wrote, “If you look the way you want, you will raise your vibration and speed the creation process along even more. Look the part is the equivalent of: ‘Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.’ Find clothes that fit the life you’re creating and make you feel amazing.” I know when I lost a bunch of weight after getting sober, I eliminated anything in my closet that didn’t fit my new lifestyle. No more loose clothes or things that didn’t make me feel great. As Marie Kondo says, “Does it spark joy?” If it doesn’t spark joy or align with what I desire, it’s gone.

It all comes down to belief and aligning with what you truly want. I originally titled this “4 Easy Steps to Act As If,” but the truth of the matter is that it’s not easy. I have to keep coming back to it. It’s easy to slide back into a sense of lack. I must stay vigilant to stay the course, but over time, it’s all coming into alignment. What do you want to attract into your life?

😎 Surprising SoFlo

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I have visited Southern Florida several times.  My son attended the University of Miami and then lived in Miami for about eight years.  I just returned from five weeks on the road in my RV, Abeona.  I wanted to check off the three National Parks in Florida and the historic town of St. Augustine. I found SoFlo to be a totally different vibe from other areas of Florida and certainly from North Carolina where I normally live. There is a Latin, family welcoming vibe and most people assume that you can speak Spanish which I have never found before in the United States. 

Flying over the vast expanse of Dry Tortugas National Park

Here is what I found surprising in SoFlo:

Farms. I always realized that a lot of citrus is grown in Florida but south of Miami in the towns of Homestead and Florida City, there are miles and miles of farms. And what seems like hundreds of fruit stands.  Two famous one’s which are not to be missed is one called, Robert is Here and Knaus Berry Farm. One is very different from the other. Robert is Here is a few miles from the entrance to Everglades National Park and is part fruit stand, food stand, milk shake stand and aviary. There is a small farm and aviary with everything from Goats to Cockatiels. They have tons of fruits you will only find in the Caribbean and South America like Mamey Sapote, Sapodilla, Cocao Pods, and Guanabana. They make the most delicious milkshakes I’ve ever had (I highly recommend coconut key lime). Knaus Berry Farm is in Homestead and they sell a terrific selection of baked goods in addition to being a farm stand.  The sticky buns are sold by the dozen and they are delectable. I’d like to thank my friend Sue (who lives in SoFlo) for recommending both places. Both are worth the journey to get to.

Animals.  The array of animals that happily exists in the wild is pretty amazing. If you have ever been to Key West then you know that Roosters are ubiquitous.  You can’t turn a corner downtown without seeing Roosters, Hens and chicks walking aimlessly. I was taken aback by the amount of Anhinga that were on the appropriately named Anhinga Trail in Everglades National Park. I could have stood two feet from one and it wouldn’t budge from sunning itself. Manatees, Ospreys, Crocodiles, Green Herons, Great Blue Herons, Egrets, Night Herons and Alligators.  They are all there coexisting in the vast region of wetlands that is south of Tamiami Trail. As I drove to Naples from Flamingo on Tamiami Trail, I stopped at several state and national preserves and saw upwards of 30 alligators hanging out sunning themselves. I was practically desensitized to being afraid of them because they were so plentiful but languid. 

Spanish. I went to a restaurant with my friend Sue and practically everyone that greeted us from the restaurant staff greeted us in Spanish. If you answer in English, they respond in Spanish.  It was wild.  The real test for me was going to a grocery store before heading to Key West. Both associates and customers were speaking Spanish throughout the store. I asked someone in the produce department for “Mushrooms” and he said “Don’t speakee English”. So, I asked for “Hongos” and he immediately took me to where the mushrooms were stored and he asked me how to say it in English. This was so wild for me. I think there were places in Spain that spoke more English than this enormous grocery store in Homestead. I had an issue checking out and the customers behind me were asking “Que pasa?” which I responded to in Spanish.  If you have ever tried to speak another language, most folks default to speaking English. I really enjoyed immersing myself back into Spanish.  It was an unexpected delight. 

Water. There are vast expanses of water everywhere.  Even if it looks like solid ground, it’s most likely a swamp. It’s humbling to drive Route 1 all the way down to Key West. It’s almost a hundred miles from Key Largo to Key West down the only connecting road, Route 1 or Overseas Highway.  It’s called Overseas for the reason most of the time all you can see on either side of the road is water.  Crystal clear water dotted with tiny keys covered in mangroves or grass. It’s quite the adventure.  Then there is the massive Biscayne Bay which is mostly National Park and water. Within the Everglades there is another gigantic body of water called Whitewater Bay. I realize there have been jokes about buying swamp land in Florida but there is a ton of it. It’s important to get out on it or over it by boat or seaplane or kayak.  There is so much to explore.

I admit that my expectations for SoFlo have mostly been driving around Miami and enjoying the restaurants, the beaches and the murals of the Wynwood Art District. There is so much more there than giant mojitos in South Beach and trending murals.  There is a ton of nature and culture to be explored. I hope you get a chance to do so.