Category: Workplace Navigator

Waiting for Happiness? 7 Ways to Embrace it Now.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’m not sure this is an American construct, but I have felt that for most of my life that I would be happy once I: Got out of college, got a job, got married, got divorced, bought a house, moved, made a million dollars. Funny; I never got there. There is always one more elusive hurdle. It feels like I’m on this constant treadmill; happiness is always around the next corner.

As Shawn Achor says in his book The Happiness Advantage, we’ve been sold the idea that once we are “successful” we will be happy. Turns out, it is the exact opposite. The research has shown that you need to be happy to find success, or at least it helps you get there faster. You need to be happy in order to be a success. Happiness comes first in the equation. finding happiness

Here are some ideas on how to make happiness part of your life (instead of waiting for the elusive success milestone):

1. Fall up. As Shawn Achor prescribes, it’s all about how you handle adversity. Instead of falling down you need to fall up. When I trained for my half marathon last year, I would look for adversity. If Saturday was going to be hot (90 degrees plus) and Sunday a breezy 60…run on Saturday. Rain in the forecast? Run on that day. Look for it. Embrace it. On the actual race day? It rained. No biggie. I’m falling up.

2. Kindness. Pick a day to practice kindness; a sort of “pay it forward” kind of day. Shawn Achor recommends picking the day in advance. So if you did a couple of nice things today, start over tomorrow and call it Kindness Day. This is actually harder than it sounds…yes, I’ve tried it. I tried to do 5 kind things today. I’m up to 4 but the day is not over. I feel like going to Starbucks so I can buy the person behind me their drink. But I have to say, when you are on a mission to be kind, it feels great. I’m looking for an opportunity to pay a compliment, hold the door and smile. Try a bit of kindness.

3. Internal Locus of Control. Say what? This is whether you blame everyone else (the world is out to get me) or you are the master of your own journey. Sail your own ship whether there is a hurricane or not. Accept responsibility for your life. It’s not your mother’s fault, the stock market, Obama ..Yada Yada Yada . Folks who see life with from the external locus of control view are not as happy. They are constantly at the whim of fate; waiting for the next wave to wash them out. If you can move to an internal locus of control, you take control; you act on the world instead of the world acting on you. Let out the jib, stay the course and take control of the rudder of your life. Embrace an internal locus of control.

4. Blessings. Count your blessings. Do you have a roof over your head? Enough food? Clothes? People you can count on? Your dog loves you. It’s sunny outside. It finally stopped snowing. It finally started raining. Be grateful and count it up. I journal three a day. What went right and write it down. Start counting your blessings.

5. Reframe. Think about how you frame events in your life. If your flight was delayed, are you happy you met someone new waiting for seat assignments or are you thinking about how you will miss the first session of the conference? It turns out that if you can see the joy, the serendipity of “bad events”, you will be happier and be able to find the light in the darkness. Reframe the situation from slogging through the mud to playing in the mud. Have you ever seen pictures of folks after an obstacle course race? They just lived through a 5 k and 10 different obstacles but they are ecstatic. Reframe how you see obstacles (and maybe get a little muddy).

6. Focus. Focus on what you can control. Make it a very narrow focus. Shawn Achor calls this the Zorro Circle. It’s empowering to take care of the things within your control. I can get this blog post done, clean out my inbox and make dinner. Whew. What a relief. I’m happy when I’m not overwhelmed and focus on the things that I can change or do. Focus.

7. Anticipate. Plan an exotic trip a year from now and anticipate it every day. That sounds crazy doesn’t it? But the anticipation makes you happy. You are more positive and forward thinking. This even works if the trip is make-believe. So mark you calendar for that cruise to Alaska and start counting down the days. Plan the zip line tour, the fishing trip and the photos you are going to take. Anticipation is the antidote.

I think the main thing is to quit projecting into the future for the next milestone and it’s elusive “happiness”. Take stock of what you already have and share it with others. Happiness begets success, not the other way around.

Where do you find happiness?

6 Ways to Squelch the Micro-Manager Within. Tyrant Repellent.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

A micro-managing puppet master, have you ever worked for one?  It’s a nightmare.  You will never be right.  You will rarely be listened to.  The nit picking will be never ending.  You start to wonder if you should get permission to go to the bathroom.  My very first job out of college was for a catering firm run by a micro-managing control freakish Tyrant.  The angle of the bread was never quite right, the food portion incorrect, the manner in which we sent orders out was inefficient and any decision I made (did I mention I was the manager?) was misguided. All according to the Tyrant.  I left the job after 18 months.  I was new to the workforce but I was stressed out beyond repair of cigarettes and alcohol.

I’ve seen many micro-managers since leaving that job, but I’m happy to say, I’ve never worked for another Tyrant.  I think I must have radar to spot them when interviewing for a new opportunity.  I’ll speak my mind too freely during the interview and somehow I don’t get a call back.  Hmmm…“she’s too independent,” “thinks for herself too much,”  “that will never do.”

What about looking in the mirror?  Are there places and circumstances in your life where you are a bit of a Tyrant?  Been a helicopter parent?  A controlling friend?  A meddling daughter?  I think there are parts to everyone’s life where we just can’t let go.  My husband micromanages Christmas morning, deliberating who gets what present and when. But hey, it’s once a year.  He can be the elf if he wants.

If you want to control the Tyrant within? Here are some suggestions:

1. Listen.  “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” – Stephen Covey.  I might add, “They listen with the intent to be right.” This has Tyrant written all over it.  There was a Tyrant colleague of mine who “asked” for guidance and then did the complete opposite.  He wasn’t listening.  He was paying me lip service.  The first step to earning respect is listening to understand.

2. Accountability.   In Liz Wiseman’s book  Multipliers, she suggests that the manager own 49% of the decision and that the direct report own 51%.  This is a beautiful balance.  This doesn’t take the person who delegated out of the picture but the accountability rests, by the slightest margin, on the direct report.  It’s empowering.  This is your project but your manager is going to be there to fully support you.

3. Challenge. This is frequently described as a stretch goal. This is asking someone to go beyond their normal limitations, to stretch or challenge themselves.  I was just talking to a friend yesterday about a race that is coming up.  There is a half marathon, a 10k, and a 5k.  I was vacillating between the 5k and the 10k.  He challenged me.  “You can do the 10k, Cathy! You’ll be ready in four weeks.”  His confidence inspired me to sign up for the longer distance.  Challenge those around you.

4. Present. As in, be present.  Let go of past and future.  If you are thinking about all your failures (i.e. past relationships, weight gain, enemies) and how this isn’t going to work, you are not present.   If you are calculating what your spouse is going to do the minute he gets home (i.e. dump the garbage, mow the lawn), you are not present. Marching to your own agenda and maintaining your image is not going to inspire those around you.  Tyrant’s live in Paranoia-ville.  Stay clear.

5. Finger pointing. Fall on the sword.  It may not be your fault that the dog got sick on the carpet, just clean it up and move on.  Your assistant messed up the report? My instructions must have been incomplete.  I’ll do better the next time, and so will she.  Maybe the process needs to be tweaked.  This is not the time to call anyone on the carpet.  Casting blame only makes you build walls to your kingdom and breeds distrust.

6. Invest.  It takes time, money and resources to build up those around you.  There are countless avenues to empower the people in your life. A summer camp session for your kid.  Web course for your partner.  An excel class for your assistant.  Encourage and invest in those around to pursue their passion.  They will remember you for your support.  They’ll have your back as well.

So here is your Tyrant repellent.  Try out one or two and see if you don’t reap the rewards.  Be a better leader regardless of your job title.

What do you do to lead others more effectively?

2 Years of Showing Up. Success by Default.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator9 Comments

This is my 104th post. That means I’ve been showing up every week with a post for two years. This is not what I envisioned when I started. I gave it six months mentally. I decided to write a blog for six months and then make a decision. Well I did the first part. I wrote a post every week for six months but I never made a decision. I just kept showing up. We all do that. Make a decision by not making a decision. keyboard-with-fingersSuccess by default.

I started an exercise program 5 weeks ago. I show up everyday and work out. I do three mental games on Luminosity every day for about 3 minutes; I’ve been doing that for about 4 months. I meditate every day for 10 minutes; I’ve been doing that for over 18 months. I didn’t do it all in one day. On January 1st I didn’t decide to start writing a blog, working out, mediating and doing some mental games. Sounds like a lot. It couldn’t be maintained if I did it all at once. I would be overwhelmed and burned out. I added something to my routine gradually over time; small incremental changes over time and showing up. Once it’s part of my routine it’s hard to shake. It’s what I do. I know how to show up.

So how do you do it? How do you show up? Here are some tips:

1. The 20 Second Rule. Set things up so it only takes 20 seconds. Shawn Achor wrote about this in the “Happiness Advantage”. If your sneakers are by your bed or your meditation app is on the first page of your phone or your dvd is primed with the workout you want to do…you will do it. Take the clarinet out of the closet, the book you want to read off the shelf, find that recipe you’ve always said you would make. Whatever you want to “show up” for better be easy to reach, find or access. I started writing my blog after my husband refinished an office for me. I have my space and it’s easy to access my “blog” folder. Showing up should only be 20 seconds away.

2. Buddy. Find a buddy to hold you accountable. Periodically, my son (who is a freshman in college) will text me in the middle of the night and ask me to wake him up in the morning at some designated hour. He will add “and make sure I stay up!” Hmmm. How am I supposed to do this from an 11 hour drive away…throw a shoe? At the appointed hour, I ask him to send a photo of the elevator (his dorm is on the 11th floor) within 15 minutes. It works. He knows he can count on me. I’m his accountability buddy for early morning workouts. Find your accountability buddy; someone to nudge you when you need it. IMG_2859

3. Bucket. When possible, set up routines when you have a full bucket. A full willpower bucket. As Charles Duhigg illustrates in the “Power of Habit”. We all start with a full bucket in the morning of willpower. Slowly but surely it leaks away. The more we test our will power by trying out a new diet (say only eat cabbage all day) or trying to quit smoking…we quickly deplete our willpower reservoir. So, if you want to start a new routine or habit, try it early in the day before you start to be tested or try only one new habit at a time. So don’t quit smoking, go on a cabbage diet and start writing a blog on the same day. Really bad idea. Keep in mind the level of your will power bucket.

4. Chunks. Make big things into small chunks. How do you eat an elephant? You start with an eyelash. When I coach folks, this is something that only the coachee can decide. If I tell the coachee, well, finish the project by Friday… they will not lift a finger. They need to decide how they want to chunk it. Some spend 15 minutes a day, some will have their to-do list for the week by 10 AM Sunday, some have an app for that, some start on the top shelf, the left side of the drawer. Chunk it up. But make sure you are chunking it the way you like it. Would you let your friend cut up your food on your plate for you? Nope. Carve it into the chunks you want.

5. Reflect. Reflect back on what you did…not what you didn’t. I’ve had clients come into a coaching session and be completely dejected…”I didn’t get anything done”. Really? By the end of the session, when we really look back, they’ve completed every action item, frequently over-completed, but they are focusing on the one thing they didn’t get to. I only exercised two times this week and I wanted to exercise four times. Don’t dwell on the one thing you didn’t do. You are human. Bask in the fact that you completed so many other things and you are moving forward. Reflect and acknowledge your accomplishments.

I never imagined two years ago that I would have a thriving blog with hundreds of followers and viewers from over 100 countries. But it’s a habit now. I show up and write.

What do you want to show up for?

Breaking the Impostor Syndrome.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I was coaching Suzy last week as she is trying to craft the message she wants to use with some impending consultations with a client.  Suzy wants to get clear on her message and figure out what will resonate with this potential client.  As with most coaching calls, we needed to clean out the road blocks before we can really get to  the work.  And then  she  dropped the I bomb; I feel like an Impostor “Hmmm, tell me more about that”, I respond.  So Suzy  started talking about  even though she works for a major (I mean top ten in the world major) university, she is only part time.  I chuckle.  “So part time at ______University makes you an impostor?”   She chuckles.  “OK.  Yes.  I’m not an impostor”.  So now we can move on.  The path is clear.  Now we can craft the message.  Now we can make some magic.  Glad we got that out of the way. impostor

The surprising thing is that 70% of folks feel like an  impostor at some point in their life.  Usually, it’s the first few months at a new job or the first semester in College.   I remember my first Human Resource job after completing my Master’s in Human Resource and Organization Development.  I.was.terrified that I’d be found out! Just because I had a piece of paper did not mean I knew all the nuances of Human Resources.   I was working for a food manufacturer and we were hiring madly for a season holiday product.  I hired some 40 new employees.  I didn’t realize that I had to lay off all 40 after 4 months.  Trial by fire; but at least I wasn’t an impostor anymore.

So how do we get past it?  How do we break the cycle?  Here are some tips:

1. Risk.  Assess whether you are more likely to be at risk.  Rule of thumb – If:

·        you are a minority,

·        you are a first generation professional (i.e. dad was a butcher and you are a doctor),

·        your parents were over achievers (i.e. your last name is Kennedy),

·        you’re  a ground breaker (i.e. male nurse or female stock broker),

·         you’re a solopreneur (you work alone all day), 

·        Or an artist (i.e. actor, painter, writer, etc.) and

·        any student whether grad school or community college. 

Or if you hear your parents’ voices in your head being hyper-critical; most people do.  Realize that you are at high risk for feeling like an impostor.

2. Imperfection.  Embrace imperfection.  Let go of 100% perfection.  You might even want to make sure there is an error or two. As Seth Godin says, “Ship it”.  Sitting around procrastinating or gnashing your teeth over every detail to make sure it is flawless is debilitating.  Maybe the logo is not exactly what you wanted, maybe the slides are too  cute, and maybe you aren’t sure about the font.  Let go and ship it; sign off on it  Embrace imperfection.

3. Hard work.  It’s going to take work.  There are no natural born consultants , artists or college students.  Everything takes hard work.  According to Malcolm Gladwell, it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert at something.  So spend some of those 10,000 hours on hard work.  Start the book, study for the test until 2 AM, practice your clarinet.  Stressing over it or beating yourself up does not count towards the 10,000 hours!  Doing the work does.  Get started.

4. I don’t know.  Admit when you don’t know something but don’t assume this means you know nothing.  I can remember being in grade school and the teacher asking me a question.  I looked up at the ceiling.  She said, “The answer isn’t on the ceiling”.  These are the types of situations where kids learn it’s not OK to be vulnerable.  We’ve all been embarrassed when we don’t know something.  Get over it.  We all can’t be Ken Jennings or Watson.  Don’t let not knowing something in your field diminish your self worth.  It’s OK to not know.

5. Yardstick.  Calibrate your yardstick.  As Dr. Valerie Young suggests in her article, “What is the Impostor Syndrome”, answer this question: If I were really smart, talented, qualified, competent, I would …  Most people who answer this figure out that what they view as competency is WAY beyond even Ken Jennings.  Quit trying to be an over achiever.  Or, as my friend Janine says, “Fake it till ya make it”.  Recalibrate your yardstick.

6. Teamwork.  Don’t go it alone.  I can remember starting this blog some 2 years ago.  I definitely struggled with, “Who do you think you are?” or “No one is going to want to read this” (yes, I suffer from being an impostor as well).  But I reached out to some old college roommates, my family and my favorite English major to put together “Cathy’s Brain Trust”.  I send every post past them to get feedback and for some much needed grammatical corrections.  It helps me feel supported and, more importantly, competent.  Put together a team.  Let your team hold you up as you start to fly.

7. Coaching.  Get a coach.  There is so much power in having someone open up the pathways in your head.  I had a recent client that spent over two months planning to clean out a closet.  She didn’t make any progress, she made great strides in her other action items but with the closet she was stuck. Finally after 10 weeks, she realized that all she had to do was take 15 minutes to work on it.  She didn’t need to get it done all in one day.  Chunking it into 15 minute pieces made all the difference.   She can now hang coats in that closet.  Whew…Get a coach!

I felt chills in my spine earlier today (which prompted me to write this post).  Suzy sent me an email.  Subject: your coaching made a big diff.  I used several things we crafted… and, they asked if I’d consider a partner position!… boy, no more impostor for me!!! No more impostor for me. 

Firing an Employee. Making the Best of a Difficult Situation.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I can remember the first time I was present for an employee getting fired.  It was painful.  I was a manager trainee for a restaurant and my mentor was the General Manager.  The object of the termination was a slacker waiter.  We invited the waiter into the closet size office (the office was no bigger than a bathroom stall).  We all sidled in.  The victim sat on the floor safe, my mentor stood against the door and I was at what passed for a desk.  My mentor then went down a very long trail that seemed to never arrive at the destination. how to fire an employee

 He meandered through some of the waiter’s transgressions but, as with most slackers, there was no defining moment to home in on.  No defining “straw” that broke the camel’s back.  But there was no “straw”.  He was late a few times, was slow to get to tables, he had been there for years.  So after what felt like 2 hours but in reality was more like 20 minutes, the tension in the room was palpable, there was no air left to breath, my mentor finally  let the hammer down.  Our victim was surprised.  He was blindsided.  He never saw it coming (this was not good…they should always have some idea that they are not performing up to a standard).

So this was my first termination but certainly not my last.  After 30 years (but I look so young you say) of managing restaurants and Human Resources, here are some of the tactics I’ve learned:

1. Zero In.  Make sure you know why you are firing someone.  This may seem obvious, but if you are in Human Resources, you have had plenty of managers coming into your office telling you they want someone gone but have absolutely no “case” made.  Or there’s the manager who has a list of 99 transgressions that the employee is responsible for but they’ve failed to properly inform the employee.  This is a disaster (and a lawsuit or two)  waiting to happen.  If and when you get into the exit discussion, you better have your facts all lined up, or press pause and wait until they are all lined up…even if it’s a year down the road.  Zero-in on the facts before proceeding.

2. Phone a Lawyer.  A good employment lawyer can be your best friend, or if not friend, a great resource.  If the termination is not absolutely straight forward, as in the employee didn’t show up for work for three days and never called (otherwise known as job abandonment), it is always a good idea to consult with an attorney or employer advocacy group.  Make sure you aren’t discriminating in any way (have the last five people you terminated been over 60 or all been pregnant or all filed workers compensation claims in the last 30 days); make sure you stay out of hot water.  It’s a great idea to get a second outside opinion.  Spend the money up front so you can save in the long run.

3. Verify.  Cross check and verify your facts.  Do you have all the documentation?  The written warnings.  The verbal warnings.  The paper or email trail.  When you get into the termination discussion, you don’t want to be searching for dates or lost emails.  I think it’s a bad idea to review every transgression in detail in the termination discussion but make sure you know where all the information is.

4. Summary.  Come up with an outline of events with dates and a bullet about the transgression.  This does not need to be a manuscript, but you need a list to easily to refer to if the departing employee has any questions.   On December 1st, you missed the project deadline, on January 5th, your manager spoke to you about missing deadlines, on January 15th you missed two more deadlines.  Summarize the facts so you are not caught off guard.

5. Practice.  Sit down with the terminating manager and walk through the summary.  Talk about how to handle the discussion.  I’ve always told managers to be able to summarize why you’re letting the employee go in two sentences or less.  “Suzy, you’ve missed three project deadlines in the last three months, I’ve warned you several times that your job was in jeopardy.  Since you missed another deadline on Monday, we’ve decided to let you go.”  Please note that the manager should be saying this; NOT the Human Resource professional.  The manager and employee need to know that the manager is making this decision.

6. Schedule.  Discuss timing with the manager.  I know some people say always term on a Friday and other’s say always on a Monday.  Do what is best for the departing employee.  If everyone will be out for lunch at noon on Friday, this  may be the most humane time to let them go, so that they can pack up their workplace in private (make sure you have a box or two handy).  Maybe they usually come in at 7 AM and there is no one else around at that hour.  Do it then.  Privacy and compassion are critical.  Assume that the gossip mill will find out who did what and when.  The organization should treat any departing employee with compassion and respect.

7. Do it.  Pull the plug. Sit down in a private space (conference room or office).  Let the manager say his two sentences.  Remember that once someone has been told they are being let go, their limbic system (fight or flight or freeze response is in overdrive).  They are not thinking.  They may say some things, or cry (did I mention to always bring tissues) or shut down.  Let there be silence.  If they ask questions about benefits, answer them.  If they don’t, hand them your card.  Tell them to call you when they are ready.  If they want to pack up their things later, tell them to call with a time or pack up their locker for them and ship the box.  Have the manager walk them to their car.  If they want to say goodbye to some folks (and they are not hostile), let them do it.  This is a time for compassion and respect.

I have found that terminating people is the most difficult aspect of management.  If you do a thorough, consistent process every time you have an employee exit the organization,  you’ll know that you handled it with the compassion and grace we all deserve

Quit Putting Yourself Down. Lessons From Julia Child.

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I got a text the other day from a colleague.  It said simply, “I suck”.  He had forgotten an important event.   I read this and wanted him to put the toothpaste back in the tube…but he can’t.   He just put himself down.  He belittled himself.  And what should my response be?  “No you don’t”?  “You’re awesome and usually on top of things”?  I feel like when you put yourself down it’s either a billboard sign saying “I have no self esteem” or “Please, please, please….make me worthy”.   I realize, it is a cry for help but this is not the best way to go about it.

I have read practically every book on Julia Child.  She is my gastronomical, feminist hero.  In the book “Dearie: The Remarkable Life of Julia Child” by Bob Spitz, there is an occasion where Julia has prepared lunch for a friend.  This was when she was first discovering how to cook French food while living in Paris.  She prepared a béchamel (white sauce) which came out like plaster.  She laid the plate in front of her friend and herself, sat down and ate it.  Every last bite.  It was wretched but she never, ever apologized.  As she is quoted, “You should never apologize at the table. People will think, ‘Yes, it’s really not so good.’” Quit putting yourself down. Lessons from Julia Child 2 jpg

I love this.  I try and live by it. There are lessons to be learned in cooking –  especially when it comes to cooking because it is so easy to roll down that slippery slope of self-deprecation.  You share a part of your soul in cooking; it’s the grand gesture to taking care of someone, of sharing of yourself with someone.  And you can really get caught in – It’s not hot enough.  It’s too spicy.  It’s too thick.  Too thin.  Yada yada yada.

So here are some tips to help you stay away from stomping your guts out every time you make a mistake:

1. Bite Your Tongue.  So if you aren’t happy with how the project came out, don’t sit in the cafeteria and talk about it with your cronies.  Bite your tongue.  The soup you just made is a little too lemony.  Eat a saltine.  Shut up and slurp up.  Having a bad hair day?  Keep it to yourself.  You really don’t need to give a running commentary on every failure of your life to everyone around you.  Bite your tongue.

2. Spin.  Put the positive spin.  If you were your own publicist (and really you actually are), what positive nugget can you find.  Find it and say that out loud.  “The project came in under budget.” “The soup has a bit of zing to it. ” “I love this new blouse. ” “Did I tell you I volunteered at the homeless shelter yesterday and met some wonderful people?”  Something is going well today, so focus on that, put out the positive spin.

3. Implications.  Think through the implications.  There was a study by Dr. Judith Baxter that studied speech patterns at work.  When women are trying to be humorous, in particular, they use self-deprecating humor 70% of the time during meetings.  It falls flat.  Crickets chirping.  Is this the way you really want to come across in the workplace?  Being self-deprecating, even in trying to be funny, only shines the light on your lack of self-esteem.  You are not being modest.  You are not Woody Allen.  You are being weak.  What are the implications?

4. Silence.  Be comfortable with silence.  Don’t feel like you need to fill the space with the sound of your own voice.  Count to 5.  Count to 10.  It will be awkward at first.  Listen to your heartbeat.  The clock on the wall.  The fluorescent light overhead.   Be the silence.

5. Sorry.  Quit apologizing.  This is the crutch of most women I know, including yours truly.  I was helping my daughter unload the car at her dorm the other day and I said “I’m sorry” for not picking up one of the boxes (did I mention I was already laden with two backpacks and  one tripod hanging on my shoulder and holding two pillows)?  And she says, “What are you sorry for?”  I have no idea.  I’m on auto pilot.  If something doesn’t go right in the world, it must be my fault.  Really?  Can’t carry all the grocery bags at once, so the default is to apologize.  Especially for women – the fixers of the world.  Stop it. (yes there is a place in the world for apologies…but 9 times out of 10 it’s overkill).   Don’t apologize.

I have this need to be modest and also to take the ‘blame’ for others (we are taught this as women) and my default can be to put myself down.  Shine the light on what’s going right or smile while you bite your tongue.  Be your own publicist.

Outer Limits. What My Dog Taught Me About Limiting Beliefs

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator7 Comments

This past week, my husband and I had quite the scare.  Our beloved, happy go lucky dog, Baci, was suddenly missing.    Out of the blue, we both turned to each other on Saturday morning and said “Where’s Baci?”  Well, she must be outside we thought. My husband checked the “usual spots” (dog house, garage, under the deck, tree #1, tree #2, tree #3….you get the picture) but to no avail.  Then both of us were outside looking down the road and into “presumably” the uncharted territories of the neighbors yards and the road.  By happenstance, a neighbor was down the road about 100 yards away walking her dog and I heard a familiar bark.  Aha! 

There she was two doors down barking her head off at the dog being walked defending her new found territory.  What in the world?  How did that happen?  My husband carried her home.  We have a wireless containment system that involves a dog collar and base until.    When Baci gets out about 100 feet from the base unit, she receives a warning beep and then a slight shock.  We’ve had the system almost as long as Baci (about 6 years) and she definitely knows her territory.   The base unit was broken.  For how long?  Who knows?  At some point, she started testing her outer limits, her limiting beliefs. 

Outer Limits. What My Dog Taught Me About Limiting Beliefs
My dog, Baci, relaxing on her dog house porch.

This is what she taught me.

1. Routine.  Baci always has the same routine.  The “usual spots” in the yard that she investigates every time she is outside.  Heck, she has the same routines inside the house.  The same windows she sidles up to peer out.  The same tap, tap, tap, tap across the wood floor.  We’ve all got the same routines.  Brush your upper right teeth before the left.  Wash your hair before your face.   Check your phone and then pour coffee.  At some point, Baci changed her routine, to head into the outer limits.  If you want to change things up, you are going to need to change up your routine.

2. Environment.  The day that we found Baci -AWOL,  there was a blanket of snow on the ground.  This is a drastic change in environment when you live in Eastern North Carolina.  This was not the usual fare.   So with a blanket of white snow, her perspective and our perspectives, where different.  The snow was covering the usual “barriers”.  Perhaps the root (her imagined border) she would never cross or a fallen branch.  A change in environment can change the way you see the world.  Change your office, re-org your books, change the wallpaper on your PC.  The barriers will disappear.

3. Test.  At some point, she tested the limit.  Probably by accident at first, but she went a little farther than she had before.  And then a little farther.  And then a little more. She inched her way to new territory and was no worse for wear.  Test your limits.  Write an intro to a book.  Sign up for that art course you’ve always wanted to take.  Open a new PowerPoint template and make a few slides.  Test your outer limits.  And then go a little farther.  And then a little more.

4. Explore. When my husband and I look back, we are wondering how long the invisible fence system was down.  When we reflect back, I can remember seeing Baci in places that had previously been off limits.  Or I would look everywhere for her, give up and go inside, and suddenly she would be at the back door trying to get in.  It.Could.Have.Been.Months.  Wow.  She was out there exploring.  Finding new cats, tennis balls and squirrels (probably the same squirrels, just a new tree).  She always came home.  She knew where home base was.  Go explore.  What’s on your bucket list?  Check a few off.  Key West, Smokey Mountains and Alaska are on mine.  Go explore some new trees.

I’m not suggesting we all let our pets run wild.  But I do feel conflicted about restoring Baci to her home territory.  How exciting for her to test her limiting beliefs and break beyond her usual outer limits.  Don’t wait for the next snow or for retirement or for the lottery…test your limiting beliefs.  See how exciting and rejuvenating it can be.

6 Ways to Boost How You Are Perceived

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

If you have ever worked in the customer service side of business, you soon realize that perception is reality.  My years in the restaurant and insurance industry have shown me that what the server or agent intended to convey is frequently not what was perceived by the customer.  Someone being rude is truly in the eyes of the beholder.  “Your rude” and “my rude” may be on two opposing ends of the spectrum; especially if I’m 70 and you are 18.  Or if I’m from Saudi Arabia and you are from Canada.  We are all walking around with our own frame of reference.

As a restaurant manager, I had to bring it to the attention of the teenaged server that even if she hadn’t slammed the plates on the table, the customer perceived that she had.  That crossing her arms and glaring at the customer could be perceived as rude.  Intended or not, it’s what the customer felt and noticed, from their point of view.

How many times has your child, coworker or spouse told you that, “So and so yelled at me”? Do your really think they yelled? I think of yelling as a raised voice;  like being at a football game and yelling, “Go Gators”.  I find that in normal everyday living (outside of sporting events)  most people don’t yell. When we are on the defensive, feel attacked or are being criticized, suddenly we are being yelled at. Our perception morphed.

Here are some steps to make sure you are keeping your perception in check:

1. Language. Check your body language.  Are your arms crossed? Scowl on your face? Hands on your hips?  Limp handshake? These can erode the authenticity of your message. Whether defensive or offensive your body is speaking for you.  Eye contact, slight smile and open arms and hands can generate trust.  Pay attention to what your body is saying.

2. Erasers.  When you use but, however and although while speaking with someone, you have erased the prior connection.  “I love your dress but those shoes are too big.” You have forced the recipient to think about the shoes and the dress compliment is lost.  “Nice job on the data analysis, however, it was two days late.”  Your assistant is now demoralized.  You are now being perceived as negative and insincere.  Watch your erasers.

3. Volume.  Keep tabs on the volume you are using when you speak.  This is an issue I struggle with.  I can come across as overbearing if I don’t keep it in check.  Men in particular need to be careful as deeper voices tend to carry regardless of the volume.  Mumbling can come across as having a lack of confidence or that you are hiding something.  Modulate and speak clearly.

4. Audible.  These are the noises that emanate that may be perceived but not the way you intended.  Huff.  Puff. Gasp.  Sigh.  Sometimes it can be involuntary.  Is it a sigh of exasperation or sigh of relief?  That is in the eye of the beholder.  You might want to check your audibles.

5. Fonts.  Every so often, I get an email message from someone in all caps.  Why is this person yelling at me?  Or I get an email with half the message bolded and underlined.  I’m pretty sure that the sender doesn’t realize (most of the time) how it appears to the recipient.  But I can tell you how I perceive it.  You are either yelling at me, talking down to me, don’t know the first thing about writing or you have zero typing skills.  Point being, there is no positive spin.  Watch your fonts.

6. Dress.  Think about how you dress.  A study from Gille and Mittag, showed that the more provocative you dress, the more observers will describe you as less intelligent.  If you have a big presentation, job interview or critical meeting, dress more conservatively and cover up your skin.  I’m not suggesting a burka, but a suit with long sleeves will have an impact on perception.  You will be perceived as more intelligent.  Boost your reputation.

What do you do to influence perception?

Getting Past the Fork in the Road

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

Choosing which fork in the road can be excruciating.  About a year ago, my son is in the throes of choosing colleges to apply to.  There is an endless list of possibilities.  In today’s day and age, some kids apply to upwards of 20 schools.  How do you pare down the list?  How important is the engineering program?  Public or private? Close enough for Mom to drop by…or not? Too far and Dad won’t drop by and buy lunch once in a while.  Is their mascot a dancing tree, a tiger or an insect?  Are their teams worth painting his face for?   Do their dorms have air conditioning?  Can he even get in?

A colleague of mine quit her job last month.  Without notice.  Without a parachute.  Without telling her husband. She chose her fork in the road when she wasn’t even at the “fork”. Abruptly turned right…a sharp right.  She made a decision and she was relieved.  Empowered.  She bent the fork.fork-in-the-road-2-paths

The anticipation of making the decision can be far more painful than making the decision.  Ruminating through all the scenarios.  Sometimes it’s better to just deal with the aftermath rather than sweating over the “what ifs”.

Here are some suggestions about getting past the fork in the road:

1.  Deadline.  Make a hard deadline.  This is obvious in the college selection decision (you miss the deadline and it’s time for plan B).  Not so obvious if you are quitting your job, starting a business or purchasing a house.  So mark your calendar and hold fast to the deadline.  This will help move the process along.  If by year-end you still don’t like your boss or your commute (or even your significant other), move on.

2. Black Hole.  What is the worst-case scenario?  You are going to need to have a chat with your lizard brain.  What exactly are you afraid of?  If you quit your job, the world will not end.  If you leave your spouse, the sun will rise tomorrow.  If you start the new business, it might fail.  You can always work at Wal-Mart.  You can move to a cheaper living situation.  You can be alone.  Whew.  OK.  So now we can only go up from here.

3. Write.  Make a list of pros and cons with pencil and paper.  This process helps you focus.  Slowing down the thought process is important and improves the connections in your brain.  If you type out a list of pros and cons, it’s too rapid and uses both hands.  Writing with pencil and paper allows you to focus more and helps you be more deliberate and reflective.

4. Gut.  This was in a previous post. Be the Gut Whisperer.  Buried in your limbic brain is the right answer.  So over thinking can cause you to ignore your gut.  Do so at your own peril.  I remember when we bought the house I now live in.  My children came to see the house before we made an offer.  My ten-year-old daughter (at the time) loved it.  There were a ton of issues with the house (it had been flooded in Hurricane Floyd) but she knew when she looked at the view of the lake from her future bedroom window…this was the place.  We went with her gut and have never looked back.

5. Run.  Go for a jog.  Get the blood flowing.  As Dr. John Ratey recommends in his book Spark, regular exercise reduces stress, anxiety and increases the neuropath ways within the brain.  You learn better, are calmer and will make better decisions.  So if it’s time to finally decide on which car you are going to buy, go for a run.

6. Jump.  Hold your nose and jump on in.  Turn down the job.  Buy the car.  Get engaged.  Shut the doors to the restaurant.  Go to the Ivy League school.  Give it your all, what ever you choose.  This is not the time to vacillate.  Commit to the direction and go.

So what fork in the road are you dealing with?

7 Keys to Building New Habits and Taming Your Lizard Brain

On By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

Breaking habits is tough work.  Whether you want to quit smoking, stop procrastinating or get off the couch, it’s tough row to hoe.   Your amygdala is frequently referred to as your lizard brain and it’s standing in your way.  It’s the oldest part of your brain and where your fear lives.  When you get on a bike for the first time in ten, er, twenty years, your amygdala kicks in and remembers how to ride the bike.  It also brings along all the emotions that go with it.   I remember when I broke my arm at age 13 while riding my bike down Majestic Court with my friend Wendy.  It’s all there – one pedal at a time, balancing, the asphalt, the road rash, the trip to the ER, and the cast on my arm – one big sloppy sack of memory.  And my amygdala is happy to bring it up every time I think about riding a bike.

So every time you try to start a new habit like riding a bike, eating less, or working on projects first thing in the morning, your lizard brain wakes up and tries to put the kabosh on the new habit.  When you wake up the lizard brain, it sends out the fear signals.  Ride a bike? Don’t you remember going to the ER that time? Skip the Krispy Kremes at the breakfast meeting? But I always get a glazed cream filled donut at the finance meeting.  We are on auto pilot and our lizard is leading us down the path.

The good news is there are ways to unplug your auto pilot, tame your lizard and get on the road to renewal:

1. Meditate. Studies have shown that just 5 minutes of meditation a day can increase neuroplasticity and blood flow to your prefrontal cortex in just 8 weeks. This creates greater connections in the brain and improves brain function, especially your prefrontal cortex (where your best work is done!).   The best part is that it decreases the size your amygdala which lowers your stress level.  When your stress is lower, you make better decisions; like skipping the donut and riding the bike instead.

2. Lucky 7.  That is the sweet spot on sleep.  No more, no less.  For optimum cognitive function, you need 7 hours of sleep.  More than 8, and your brain function declines.  Less than 6 and a half and it declines as well.  For better concentration and control of your decision making, it’s best to get seven hours of sleep.  Have you ever had to have a conversation with a teenager after an all nighter?  Nuf said.  Get your lucky 7.

3. HRV.  You want to increase your Heart Rate Variability.  In the book, “The Willpower Instinct” by Dr. Kelly McGonigal, studies have shown that those with a higher HRV can handle anxiety and stress more easily.  They bounce back and get back on track easier.  It’s difficult to change your HRV but quitting smoking, eating a plant based diet, meditation and regular exercise are four proven ways to increase it.  Slow your breathing down to 4 to 6 breaths per minute.  If you can exhale slowly before facing a stressful situation, you will be more resilient.  Angry customer?  Slow your breathing.  Need to resist that cream filled donut?  Slow your breathing.  Take back control.

4. Alcohol.  Every time I started smoking again, I was in a bar.  Hmmm.  I wonder why?  Maybe it’s because alcohol was involved.  Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and, of course, lowers your self control.  So if you are working on a new set of habits and want to bolster your self control, put down the martini glass.

5. Exercise.  It just takes 15 minutes a day.  It can take any form you like: window shopping, gardening, walking, p90x, or yoga.  As Dr. McGonigal says all that’s required is that you are able to “answer no to the following two questions: 1. Are you sitting, standing still, or lying down? 2. Are you eating junk food while you do it?”.  Easy.

6. Plan.  Think and plan your habits.  Put your sneakers by the foot of your bed.  Don’t power up your PC until you’ve planned your day.  Schedule your meals for the day in advance.  When you’ve planned it out ahead of time, the new habit becomes a default. I guess I have to run this morning because my sneakers are waiting for me.

7. No.  All willpower starts and ends with No.  You will need to push away from the table, turn down the dessert, shut down your devices, and walk away from facebook.  Start with steps 1 through 6 and your prefrontal cortex will be there to support you when the going gets tough.

It’s also a good idea to take one small step at a time.  Start with the meditating and then build from there.  It takes time and patience to take control of your lizard.  Be the Lizard Tamer.

How have you tamed your lizard?