Stepping into Conflict; It’s OK to Rock the Boat

On January 11, 2015January 4, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Over the last few months there have been several events accompanied by insights that bubbled up into an enormous realization; I avoid conflict. I think a lot of us avoid conflict but I realized this had become an almost daily occurrence. The illusion has been that if I avoid something uncomfortable like telling my son “No”, he will remain happy and the conflict will go away. In reality, it just builds. It may not appear today but that conflict will be back or the effects of not saying “No” will have a long term impact. The worst case scenario is that a relationship whether at work or personally, can be irreparably harmed.

I recently facilitated a fantastic new training model called “5 Behaviors of a Cohesive Team” based on a book by Patrick Lencioni. The first behavior is vulnerability based trust, (i.e. can I admit mistakes, can I ask for help, showing weakness, etc.) and the second behavior is constructive conflict. Patrick describes conflict:

“Therefore, it is key that leaders demonstrate restraint when their people engage in conflict, and allow resolution to occur naturally, as messy as it can sometimes be. This can be a challenge because many leaders feel that they are somehow failing in their jobs by losing control of their teams during conflict.”

Just replace the word parent, partner or friend into that quote for “leader” and child, spouse or coworker for “team”. I realized that I felt like conflict was failing whether it was with my husband, my mother, my assistant or my son. It turns out that stepping into conflict is critical and necessary for all teams, relationships and marriages. Wow. So my avoiding the conflict or not letting the conflict occur between folks at work and at home was actually destructive. That’s a big, “Aha!”

So here are some of the things I’ve been working on in order to step into conflict:

1. Uncomfortable. I’ve been trying to embrace being uncomfortable. I’m the kind of person who goes around smoothing the waters. Human Resource folks do this all the time. Talk to Marketing, talk to Accounting, talk to Production and make it all right. Make sure everyone is happy. This is an illusion. It’s just pacifying everyone and no solution is ever figured out. In recent weeks I’ve tried to pick at the scab and to be uncomfortable. I need to rock the boat. I bring up the financial shortfall or the difference in opinion or talk about the lapse in communication. Step into being uncomfortable.

2. Discord. I’m trying to be accepting of discord. My idea or interpretation is not the only one that matters. I know that sounds obvious but we all have our own world view. I need to allow for a difference of opinion and let it go. It’s easy to get attached to a difference of opinion as if the other person doesn’t respect me or my ideas. Staying detached from the difference and not making up assumptions for the discord is critical. I realized this when I look at my parent’s marriage. My father is a devout conservative Republican and my mother is a bleeding heart Liberal. They will celebrate 60 years of marriage in 2015. That amounts to a lot of discord. From Carter to Bush, there was a lot of passionate debate but they were able to agree to disagree. Accept discord.

3. Ask. Be open to ask for help. As Tal Ben-Shahar espouses in his book, The Pursuit of Perfect, reaching out and being vulnerable enough to ask for help can strengthen your relationship with your team, your family and your boss. The perfectionist in all of us defaults to giving advice instead of asking for it ourselves. Think about it for a minute. When someone asks you for help, aren’t you honored? Doesn’t it strengthen your relationship? There is the fabled story that Ben Franklin asked to borrow a prized book from an arch rival. The arch rival lent it to him. From that point forward he was an ally. How can you keep an enemy of someone you lent a prized book to? It takes vulnerability to ask for help.

4. Empathy. Put on someone else’s shoes to understand where they are coming from. I’ve learned some very powerful tools from my training with CRR Global. One of them is about looking at someone else’s position from the perspective of them living in a different land. I did this recently with a group regarding the utilization of the company cafeteria. We divided the group into three “lands”, one group ate in the cafeteria on a regular basis, the other rarely or never ate in the cafeteria and the last group were the workers in the cafeteria. They each stood in their land and told us what is was like in the land. Then they each visited the other lands to find out what it was like to be from a different perspective. It was completely enlightening. To hear a coworker say that “it must be difficult to try and serve food when the employees are limited on time” or “I just want to escape from work so I go off premise”. Every point was valid and hearing it expressed built empathy for all the participants. Empathy is key.

5. Act. Do something. Sitting back and criticizing behind someone’s back is the coward’s way out. Take a deep breath, face your fears and take a step forward. If you don’t like the new policy, the bonus plan or the joke your co-worker just told; step up and speak up. This is definitely the hardest part for me. Based on several books and articles I have read this probably because women are more comfortable advocating for others than themselves. I’ve done this in baby steps. If I wait until I’m not emotionally charged and speak privately to the offender by saying something like, “You may not realize this but I was offended by what you said”, or “In my opinion this project looks tenuous based on the feedback I’m getting from our clients”; I am capable of acting to affect change Act and be heard.

Facing conflict instead of hiding from it is scary, messy and imperfect. It means that you can’t play it small. Rock the boat before it tips over! In the long run, your relationships and your team will be strengthened by it.

Being in the Moment. What my Dog Taught me About Presence.

On January 4, 2015January 4, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator1 Comment

If you listen to the book, The Obstacle Is the Way, on Audible there is an interview between the author, Ryan Holiday and Tim Ferriss, author of 4-hour Workweek at the end of the recording. It is a fascinating interview and at one point Tim asks Ryan what he is grateful for. Ryan responds, his dog because he helps keep him present. I immediately connected. My dog, Baci, is the most joyful, present being I know and I absolutely learn from her every day.

Baci is a 6 year old Brittany who we have owned since she was 2 months old. Outside of being a pain to get house broken (I think it took almost 2 years), she is the best dog I have ever owned. I think she’s had an influence on our entire family, as she shares her joy and love unabashedly. So if one dog can change the culture of a house, imagine what you could do if you could adopt some her greatest attributes.

Here is what she has taught me:

1. Smile. Many dogs like Spaniels and Retrievers have a smiling face. The smile is infectious. You cannot look at a smiling dog and not smile back. So do you want to be infectious? Do you want your coworkers or your friends to be drawn to you? Think about smiling more often. Show up to the meeting with a smile. To the party. To the conference call. People will “hear” the smile. Curl up the ends of your mouth and let those pearly whites shine. Smile.

2. Eye contact. When Baci wants something (usually the door being opened so she can go run after a squirrel), she walks right over and makes eye contact. She gets my attention by staring deeply into my eyes. Imagine going into a meeting and the only way you could communicate is through your eyes. They cannot be ignored. I can see how this might be taken too far as staring down your boss in a meeting might be counterproductive but making eye contact is so important in getting someone to take notice. Be sure to make eye contact.

3. Touch. Reach out and touch. This may seem too familiar in the business setting and I grant you that women have more latitude than men when it comes to touching. There are many women that I hug when they come for an annual strategy meeting but not the men. It’s tricky and for all I know, it’s a Southern thing. But when Baci wants to be scratched, she reaches out and taps my hand or nuzzles me on my arm. Connecting with someone by just tapping them on the shoulder or the back of their elbow or shaking their hand can greatly enhance the outcome. You are more connected to someone when you touch them.

4. Roll. Baci rolls with the punches. She’s not pouting in the corner because I forgot to feed her yesterday or stomping off in a huff because she failed to nab that pesky squirrel before it reached the maple tree. There.are.no.regrets. There is another squirrel where that one came from. Dogs don’t end up with ulcers or depression or stress related illnesses. She isn’t ruminating about all the missed opportunities from yesterday or worried about whether or not it will rain this Saturday. She takes it all as it comes. Let it roll.

5. Chill out. Baci can chill out and take a nap ANYWHERE. When we get back from our morning walk, she takes a few sips of water and then heads to her favorite chair to chill out. She takes care of herself. She’s just exerted a lot of energy dragging me around the neighborhood and she sits back and relaxes. Don’t we all need to do that? Instead of focusing on the next task or project. Take 15 minutes and recoup. It helps your demeanor. Take a minute or five to chill out.

6. Love. I don’t know about your dog but my dog loves everyone. I’ll lick your face if you like, let me cuddle with you, I’m your BFF unconditional kind of love. She doesn’t care how old you are, what language you speak or what gender you are. If you are in front of her, she loves you. No questions asked. Imagine having that kind of love for everyone when you head to your next board meeting or widget manufacturing conference or high school reunion. Unconditional love is really freeing. It leaves you open with no attachments. Embody the Baci love (except maybe not licking anyone’s face).

7. Live. Baci inhales life. If it’s running through a pile of leaves, chasing the elusive squirrel, keeping the geese at bay or fetching a tennis ball, she is all in. She doesn’t hold back. If this is the task at hand, she will bring her whole self. I’ve never thrown a tennis ball and have her meander over halfheartedly to pick up the ball. So bring it. To your next project, washing the dishes or writing a blog post. Be all in.

As I write this, my dog is sprawled on the floor next to me. Never self-conscious. Never worried about the judgments of others. It’s so inspiring. Just be.

2014 in review

On December 30, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,200 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Where the Head Goes, So Goes the Body.

On December 28, 2014December 26, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator2 Comments

Your thoughts are in charge of everything. It’s rather overwhelming to think that we actually have control of that tickertape in our heads that never seems to stop. But when was the last time you thought something would go wrong and inevitably it did. If you are positive your boss won’t like the idea, it’s not likely they will. When an obstacle comes along you say to yourself, “That’s it, there’s no way I can overcome this”. In author Ryan Holiday’s book, The Obstacle is the Way, he proves through many historic figures like John D. Rockefeller and Lawrence of Arabia, that the obstacle is actually showing you the way. Usually the obstacle is the best way. Sometimes the obstacle is telling you to zig instead of zag.

Reframing the way the way you see (more importantly think about) obstacles can be empowering actually. Some of my best work has come from obstacles. Whether it’s a new slant on a recipe because I forgot to buy ground beef and used spicy Italian sausage (in a lasagna, trust me it’s awesome) or when I couldn’t use PowerPoint at a training I was facilitating and had to use good old fashioned flip charts (best interactive training ever). How you face and think about the obstacle is the key to moving forward, if not sideways or three steps backwards; suddenly you are on an even better, more awesome path.

So here are the ways to reengineer your head:

1. Calm. Stay calm and carry on. Panic is mental suicide. Unless there is a fire or an earthquake or an actual bear staring you in the face, take a deep breath. Actually try “calming” breaths. Inhale slowly through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds and then SLOWLY exhale for 4 seconds. Please do this slowly or you will hyperventilate which is completely counterproductive. Folks who meditate or practice yoga know all about staying calm and focusing on your breath. If you breathe calmly for a few minutes, the disaster in front of you won’t seem so bad. All the chemicals in your brain will be diverted to glands that produced them. Practice being calm.

2. Don’t catalog. Sitting around cataloging all the reasons why you “can’t” and pointing the finger at all those who have done you wrong is only going to make the obstacle that much bigger and insurmountable. This is completely unproductive and will make you more fearful, full of anxiety and immobile. This is what your inner critic wants you to do. Stuff a sock in their mouth. Think about the present moment. Is your dog sleeping soundly looking completely peaceful (mine is)? Is there a slight breeze outside? Is the glass of water cool and thirst quenching? See you’ve forgotten all about your catalog of woes.

3. Perception. We get to decide our perception of events. Your thoughts interpret the meaning. If your spouse doesn’t say “Good Morning”, it doesn’t mean she is angry at you. If the potential client doesn’t return the phone call, it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. If you ask for feedback on a project and they haven’t responded, it doesn’t mean that they don’t like it. You get to choose. Imagine it was all in a foreign language and you needed a translator app to figure out the meaning. Your perception dictates its meaning.

4. “I”. Ryan Holiday suggests eliminating the “I” in front of statements. Things like “I can’t sing” or “I hate Mondays” or “I am stupid”. Suddenly your interpretation is personal. It becomes very difficult to back away and reframe a statement that starts with “I”. Choose not to put the “I” in front and leave it objective. At arm’s length instead of owning it. It keeps distance between what your mind is telling you and reality. If you trip on the side walk, there is no implication. It is what it is. No need to infer that “I am a klutz”. Keep your distance by eliminating “I”.

5. One off. Each obstacle is a one off. There is no exact moment or situation that ever repeats. Just because you lost that client doesn’t mean you will lose all your clients. Just because no one bought the product today doesn’t mean it’s a bad product. Don’t assume that one rejection or unanswered email is a trend. The beginning of the end. As Richard Branson says “Business opportunities are like buses, there’s always another one coming.” Get past the disappointment or let down and move on. It’s just a one off.

6. Opportunity. View an obstacle as an opportunity. How can you grow from this? How can you capitalize on the set back? Is there a new path you should be going down? One of the most painful events of my life was shutting down a restaurant I owned and had put my heart and soul into. I learned a lot about myself and my ability to move on. The funny thing is that if I had not shut down that restaurant and it had been a huge success, I never would have learned about my abilities to be a great coach and facilitator. I would have been stuck on the same path and entrenched in my belief that I could only manage restaurants. One door closes and another one opens. Move on. Look on it as an opportunity.

7. Reframe. Try and reframe. Think about the possible upside to this set back. Is there another way of looking at this? The upside of closing my restaurant was I had a ton of free time and could see things from a new perspective. I had to take stock and find a new door to open. I couldn’t have done that if I melted into depression and had given up. So if you didn’t pass the exam, maybe it’s not for you, maybe you need to work harder, maybe everyone failed the exam, maybe it was graded incorrectly. Reframe and move on.

I hope I’ve given you a new way to look at obstacles in your life so that they don’t carry the same weight. Don’t be burdened by your own thoughts. I’m not suggesting that the tickertape in your head ever shuts down but putting them in the right context and not letting them have power is liberating.

Holiday Happiness. 5 Ways to Not Covet.

On December 22, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It seems like every year around the holidays, I am invariably invited to a holiday party involving a game called “Dirty Santa”. If you are not familiar with the game, participants bring a wrapped gift that is worth a certain amount like $20 and everyone draws numbers. Number 1 picks out a gift, and unwraps it. Number 2 gets to decide if they want to “steal” Number 1’s gift or pick out a new gift. This goes on until all the gifts are selected and then Number 1 gets a second and last chance to look at all the gifts and decides whether to “steal” once more.

I find it ironic that we play this game during the holidays. During a time of giving and selflessness, we play a game that encourages coveting thy neighbors goods. Last year I was lucky, I pulled “Number 1” which is an advantageous position. You get the last “pick” but I have to say that I was robbed at least four times during the game. By the third time it happened, I quit getting attached to whatever I selected. It’s strange to not know when someone was going to come over and take it. I ended up with a gift I really like, a scarf from Italy, but I could have just as easily ended up with cheap men’s cologne (a clunker gift from a game a few years back).

I think these experiences have something to show us. Don’t covet. Yours, mine or theirs.

So here are some ways:

1. Detach. Detach from the objects in your life. I was on a business trip in Charlotte. I left my favorite blouse and skirt in the hotel closet. I didn’t realize it for about a week. They were gone. I resented it for weeks. Every time I was getting ready to travel, or wear the perfect matching earrings, or shoes, it brought it up again. I was filled with regret and continued beating myself up. Water under the bridge. Let. It. Go.

2. Content. Have you ever noticed that when you are looking for a new car, all you notice is the make and model you are interested in on the road? Or if, as I did, you really wanted a convertible, you regret it for months and start looking at the make you bought as a convertible with jealousy? Be happy with the toys you have. Be content.

3. Path. We all make our own path. We all got here from different places. Some went to college, some didn’t, some stay in the same town their entire life and some don’t. Some people value Ferrari’s and, others value surf boards. If I grew up in Italy, I’d probably value that Ferrari and if I grew up in Florida or Hawaii, the surf board. Don’t judge others by what they covet. You don’t know their path.

4. Seek experiences. In an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Melanie Greenberg, she writes “Research studies show that spending money on experiences, such as family vacations, educational courses, or psychotherapy provides more happiness ‘bang for the buck’ than spending money on possessions. That is because much of the pleasure of possessions seems to be in acquiring them.” The lift you get from the purchase is short lived. Buyer’s remorse. Take a class, go to the musical or sign up for coaching. Go for the experience.

5. Boost your set point. There have been many theories that you might get a brief bounce in your happiness set point after winning the lottery, tie the knot or buy that new house. Eventually you will return to your original happiness level (after the honeymoon is over). The good news is that according to an article in American Psychological Association by Zak Stambor called “Is our happiness set in stone?’ we can change our set point. He writes, “research shows that people can increase their happiness by making a conscious effort to count their blessings, reframe situations in a positive light or perform kind acts.” Reframe and count your blessings. It’s difficult to covet when you are grateful.

My parents have taught me to not covet material objects. The Christmases of my childhood were not blow out Toy-fests. They were times of family, food and Monopoly marathons. Outside of an Easy Bake Oven, I can’t remember many of the gifts from my childhood but I do know that I always want my brother, Rick, on my Pictionary team (he is a great artist) and my dad on my Trivial Pursuits team (retired History teachers are awesome teammates). Enjoy your holiday and count your blessings.

Good Enough IS Perfect. 5 Ways to Get Off the Perfection Treadmill.

On December 14, 2014December 14, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Sometimes there is this feeling that you are settling when something is good enough. Like you left some money on the table or you aren’t trying to be an over achiever. But it turns out that good enough will make you happier, satisfied, and content. In Tal Ben-Shahar‘s book, Pursuit of Perfect, there is a big price to pay for the constant striving for perfection. The author paid the price while attending Harvard. Anything less than an “A” was failure, so he worked constantly to make sure he could maintain his perfection. And the price? He wasn’t happy. When you are constantly striving for perfection, you never get to the destination. You think you are but you never arrive. That’s if great success is supposed to be a college degree, making your first million or finally getting married. You might hit a bump in happiness, but the next day, you are back on the perfection treadmill.

I am amazed at how many of us are out there on that treadmill. Beating ourselves up for every B- paper, one pound gained or bad hair day. We are ever vigilant to find out how we failed and how we did not attain success. The constant interior score card. “I should have stayed late”, “I can’t believe I ate the chocolate cake,” or “I never spend enough time with my kids.” It’s the constant balancing act of being all things to all people. I remember thinking I was stretched in college between school work, my social life and my part-time job. That was way before email, smart phones and the digital deluge made you feel overwhelmed, let alone children, aging parents, full-time jobs and a spouse. Ben-Shahar had some great points on how to achieve good enough and to embrace being human.

Here are some ideas on how to be OK with good enough:

1. Accept. We need to accept the good with the bad. The problem is that we tend to over react and ruminate over the failures. In focusing on all that went wrong, we gloss over what went right. I can tell you ever bad training I’ve facilitated but will forget the successes. I remember everything the boss didn’t approve but when it comes to the laundry list of things she has approved, they are buried deep, never to see the light of day. I can’t tell you how many people can’t take a compliment. I say “I love that necklace!” Co-worker “This old thing? My mom bought it from a street vendor in Mexico. I don’t think it’s worth 5 bucks.” We are hard-wired to reject the good and focus on the bad. Accept what is good in your life.

2. Open. Be open to feedback. Perfectionists want to maintain a façade of perfection. They deflect criticism. They hide from it for fear they will crumble. If you seek out feedback from both good and bad experiences, you become more resilient. I seek out feedback from both coaching clients and training participants. I embrace and accept the “That was great, Cathy” and the “I felt rushed” comments equally. I find that people who aren’t open to feedback tend to get paranoid. They are afraid that everyone dislikes them which makes them even more fearful of feedback. Really? There aren’t that many people that are unilaterally disliked (i.e. Madoff, Hussain, etc.). But they are so busy preserving their self-image that they can’t make course corrections like “being a better listener” or “you could delegate more clearly” along with the “you have a great sense of humor” and “that meeting took courage”. Open up to it all.

3. Release. Try and release that you need to be all things to all people all the time. I have to admit that this has been a struggle. This is especially difficult during the holidays. There was a time when I baked 20 different types of holiday cookies with my then small children (they weren’t that helpful and there was a lot of raw cookie dough consumed) and delivered them to all my employees at the restaurant I owned. All the burnt, dented and mal formed cookies befell my stomach and the rest of the “perfect” cookies were given to all my deserving employees. While this was a very noble gesture, it was completely impractical and made me very anxious every Christmas as my kitchen filled with hundreds of cookies, my kids did not have my full attention, and I become overwhelmed. I am wiser now. I instead put out about a third of the holiday decorations, walk right past the chocolate chips at the grocery store and give a card to my employees. To be good enough means to release the unrealistic expectations.

4. Allocate. Find ways to reasonably allocate your time. Perfectionist are looking ways to maximize their day to try an accomplish EVERYTHING. When they don’t? They are crushed by the failure. Be realistic. Can you really take the dog for a walk, work 10 hours a day, make dinner, take your daughter to ball practice, do the laundry, read a novel, AND run for 2 miles? No. You can’t. OK, you can for maybe one day out of the week but you will be toast by the end of the day. Toast. Figure out how much time you want to spend in a given week on everything that is important to you and then back off about 30%. So if you want a date night with your spouse every week, go out every other. If you want to get that project done at work, schedule an hour every day instead of trying to plow through it in a day and a half. Knowing that you have allocated the time and will be able to have an adult conversation with your spouse at least every other week will feel great, and make sure it actually happens instead of feeling guilty that you couldn’t do it all. Allocate your time.

5. Mono-task. Multitasking is exhausting and it’s really just task switching. You aren’t really texting and driving, you are driving, then texting, then driving, then texting, then driving (then crashing). When you spend your day talking on the phone while answering email or watching TV while eating dinner, you are numbing yourself to the world. You are not present and it is completely unsatisfying. So decide you are going to text, and sit down and text. Talk to your brother on the phone and turn off the television. Go out to dinner with your son and put your cell phone in your pocket. You’ve decided where you want to allocate your time, so go be present for that time. Embrace mono-tasking.

The interesting thing is there are certain pockets of our lives that we reserve for perfection. For me, it has been my coaching and facilitation work. It was wonderfully freeing to me when my coach mentor, Satyam Chalmers, said that there was no perfect question. If a question falls flat, your presence is more important than finding the perfect question. Whew. What a relief. It’s the same for facilitation. I can feel like I haven’t followed the “script” but going with the flow of the room is much more important. I’m good enough and enjoying the work so much more.

Are You a Silo Builder or Buster?

On December 7, 2014December 6, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Silos crop up in organizations when there is a lack of trust. Departments, regions and co-workers try desperately to mark their territory and keep a tight fist on resources and information. It’s not a healthy situation. This results in closed doors, back stabbing and, frequently, loss of good personnel. They take off for more forthcoming, open organizations.

Silos in your personal life crop up when you don’t tell your husband about the exam your son failed at school. Why bring him into it? He’ll probably get angry. Your son will get embarrassed and defensive. Let’s just put up a wall on the information to keep the peace. Suddenly you’ve laid your first brick in your own personal silo. The “keep bad news away from Dad’ silo. In the long run, when someone finds out who knew what and when, the trust might be irreparable.

So how do you go about some silo busting? Here are some ideas

1. Open. Be open with your communication. This can be difficult; especially, if the culture is to keep your cards close. It starts with you. If you just got some information that might negatively affect the business or one department in particular. Take the first step and be open with the information.

2. Drop. As in drop the assumptions. This moment never happened before. You really don’t know how that manager, child or customer might react. You might have an educated guess but leave your assumptions out of it. They are frequently a self fulfilling prophecy. “Suzie always gets angry when I mention the sales forecast.” Hmmm, regardless of Suzie’s reaction you are going to be looking to fulfill your assumption and any reaction Suzie has will be categorized in your mind as “anger”.

3. Love. Sounds crazy but I do this especially if I am angry with a colleague (or ex) . I imagine myself embracing them. It’s hard to throw someone under the bus if you recently imagined embracing them. We are all human and deserve caring folks around us. It’s real hard to lay the first brick of a silo if you promote a caring culture.

4. Share. This straight out of the “Essentials of Leadership” from Development Dimensions International, “Share thoughts, feelings and rationale.” It builds trust. Explain to your husband why you were reluctant (feelings) to tell him about the failing test score. Tell your colleague why (rationale) you would like to delay the project. Trusting environments rarely have silos.

5. Promoter. Be a promoter within your work group. Make sure your employees are drinking the same Kool-Aid. If your employees know that you are an open book on information and resources, they will follow suit. Do not reward those who withhold important information to other departments. It starts with you

6. Vacuum. Don’t tolerate a vacuum on information or resources. Take a deep breath and take the first step (this is more difficult for some of us who hate rocking the boat). Pick up the phone or, better yet, (if you can) go be eyeball to eyeball with that guy you think is trying to build a silo. “Hey Joe, I haven’t heard the status on Project X and my understanding is that you do….what gives?” Be a silo preventer.

Depending on the organization, work unit or family culture, this can be difficult. You can’t choose your family but you can choose the organization you work for. If you are sensing there are too many silos and there aren’t any silo busters like you around? The best strategy might be finding a place without any silos.

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should: Squashing Gigaguilt

On November 30, 2014November 29, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve been reading CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! Strategies for Coping in a World Gone ADD by Edward R. Hallowell. The author coined the term Gigaguilt. Initially, I figured that Gigaguilt was feeling regretful that I didn’t buy the 64 GB iPod and defaulted to the 16 GB iPod. Like gigabite envy; it’s not.

It’s about the guilt associated with having access to so much information that you know that you are missing that 5k race for domestic violence victims, and the compensation conference in Tampa, and that comedian you’d love to see, or your son’s wrestling match that falls on the same night as your WordPress Meetup.

Life was so much simpler when we didn’t get Facebook invitations to fundraisers for every charity under the sun. They are all so deserving but how do you choose once the flood gates of information or connectedness open up? There is this constant struggle between priorities in your life. Some of which, up until about 5 years ago, weren’t even on your radar. If you feel like you are overcommitted and are still beating yourself up that you forgot about the parents meeting at your child’s school, have 6 unanswered meeting requests in your inbox and your mother is exasperated that you haven’t returned her call – You are suffering from Gigaguilt.

Here are some practical tips on how to squash the gigaguilt:

1. Timer. Put a timer on when it comes to social media. Spend 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. Check in, and do what you are there for. Check your daughter’s page, your college group feed and wish everyone happy birthday, and Get OFF. Out of sight, out of mind.

2. Select. Be selective with your notifications, lists and resources. I am on several lists. I get several daily, weekly and monthly newsletters, articles and posts. If I decide it’s not serving me after a few weeks or months. I drop it. If something new comes on the horizon, I sign up and see if there is a benefit. If not? I drop it. You are going to need to draw the line. If you are never going to be a painter or lawyer or PhD candidate, get off the list. If you aspire to learn how to play guitar, be a better public speaker or want some leadership advice, sign up and take a test drive. Just be willing to pull the plug if it’s not serving you. Clutter produces drag.

3. Slack. As in cut yourself some slack. It’s OK to not sign up for every 5k within a 20 mile radius of your home. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Don’t head down the self judgment trail. You don’t need to be the perfect________(fill in the blank). My son ran in the state track meet last year and I wasn’t there to see it. I saw the video. I’m still a great parent. No judgment. I didn’t get to run a 10k in April. I’ll try it next year. I’m still a runner…er jogger. I didn’t get to go to the charity event I’ve attended for the last 9 years. It’s still a great cause and I am still a generous person. Remember: No one is keeping tabs except you. Judge yourself exemplary.

4. Expectations. Lay the ground work with those who are important in your life. Tell your boss that you won’t be able to work Thursday afternoons during you son’s wrestling season. Tell your mother that you don’t take phone calls during dinner. Let your daughter know that you have a trip scheduled during her upcoming concert. There is a lot less guilt and finger pointing if you lay out your expectations up front.

5. Present. Be present. If your partner is talking to you, stop looking at your iPhone, make eye contact and listen. If you are on the phone with your friend, don’t look at email. If your dog wants to be scratched, look her in the eyes and be with her in the moment. If you are taking a walk, smell, listen and look at the sights around you. You aren’t going to get this moment back. Be there, in the moment, in every moment of your life.

I am by nature, an early adopter. I will on impulse sign up for a Groupon that I’m not sure my husband is on board with. I will sign up for the class that I’m not sure I’m going to be able to fit into my life. I have learned to back off. Take a breath. Be selective and squash the gigaguilt. Just be cause you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Curiosity: the Antidote for Fear

On November 23, 2014November 22, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I’ve been taking several team coaching courses through CRR Global. Our facilitator said something really thought provoking. Curiosity is the antidote for fear. She posited that you can’t hold fear and curiosity at the same time. I guess this is why Curious George seemed to escape dire consequences because he wasn’t holding onto fear and examining all the “what if’s”. Rather liberating isn’t it? Just be curious and fear will melt away.

As I look back, I think the period of my life where I was consumed with fear and struggled with worrying about all that could go wrong was when my son was two. He was a toddler capable of dragging a tricycle onto a kitchen table and then sitting on it. He lacked any sense of fear. I was tethered to my son’s hand in every parking lot, store, amusement park, Movie Theater….for about three years. He had no sense of danger. No limits. I remember sitting several rows back at a Cirque du Soleil performance and he ran down the aisle to try and go on stage. We caught him just shy of the first step. Crisis averted. His curiosity struck fear in me. Thank goodness they grow up. Thank goodness he and I both survived.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t watch out for our toddlers and let them go play in traffic; but there is a lot to be learned from having an open curiosity about the world. I personally am game for any antidote for fear. So here are some ideas for embracing curiosity.

1. Open. To be able to embrace curiosity, you need to be open. Be available for the experience. I remember going for a zip line experience with my son a few years ago. I initially asked him if he wanted to go try it out and he was game (no surprise there). To be honest when I asked him I hadn’t really thought through that this meant I would be flying through a forest several hundred feet above the ground. I am not a dare devil but I was open. I didn’t come up with a laundry list of why I shouldn’t do it. It was more about seizing the opportunity to do something fun with my son before he headed off to college. When they strapped us into our gear and the helmet was on, well…it was too late to worry about fear. We had a blast and suffered no injuries. Be open.

2. Scientist. Put on your scientist hat…or a lab coat. I remember taking food chemistry lab at Cornell. I was a Hotel Administration major and we spent hours messing with something basic like baking a cake. In one recipe we would double the baking powder, in another, we would leave out the eggs, in another, we would use oil instead of butter. As you can imagine (if you bake at all you know it is a science) the resulting cakes would be vastly different. I could see the cause and effect at work. It was a great learning experience although some of the end products were awful. Tinkering with various aspects of recipes has helped me to be a better cook. Take time to become the scientist.

3. Wonder. To be in “wonder” for me, means to be absolutely present and free of assumption. You need to let go and be. I can remember my kids as toddlers on Christmas morning. The larger presents from Santa would be all set up (i.e. Hot Wheels race tracks, Barbie dream house…etc). There was an overwhelming amount of things in the room but my son would run up to the racetrack and start playing. He would spend 30 minutes before he was ready to move on. He was present in his wonder and took it all in at his pace. Embrace wonder.

4. Talk to your triggers. We just practiced this in my CRR Global class. Being triggered is when you go into fight or flight mode. I get triggered when someone says a sexist statement like “those football players are playing like girls.” Suddenly my 30 year old neighborhood bully named “Joe” breaks out and wants to teach somebody a lesson and I shut down and can’t think. When I separated from my triggered self (through coaching), I could dream up a new way to deal with Joe the next time I get triggered. I can show up as my adult self and keep Joe in the back room by the red phone. Having a plan to deal with your triggers helps keep you resilient, in the moment, and keeping fear in check.

5. Muscle. Work your curiosity muscle on a regular basis. This is kind of like getting out of the status quo. Shake up your routines. Try a different drink at Starbucks, cross your arms the opposite of normal, drive a different route to work, eat vegetarian all day or call your brother you haven’t spoken to in months. It might be a little (or a lot) uncomfortable but it gets easier the more you do it. You can flex that curiosity muscle more easily. Flex your muscles.

The beauty of embracing curiosity is that life becomes that much fuller, more interesting, more adventurous. The view is different there. Lean in.

7 Steps to Conquering Stage Fright.

On November 16, 2014November 8, 2014 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I was presenting to a group for the first time last week and while the slide said “Relationships – How to Be a Real Success”, I said something like, “Sex is real important in relationships” (I don’t know what I actually said because the embarrassment basically erased my memory). And the crowd erupted. I went three shades of red. We were all laughing, especially me. It was easy from there. Isn’t that crazy? Somehow I connected to the audience because of my blunder. I became a human in everyone else’s eyes.

I’m a big Zoe Keating fan (a fabulous avaunt-garde cellist). She apparently has suffered from performance anxiety and was written about in an article by Therese J. Borchard in World of Psychology called Conquering Performance Anxiety: A Primer for All Phobias. What is interesting is that she conquered her fear by not performing in front of a group of people that she knew but by “busking” (street performing) at a BART station in San Francisco. She conquered her fear by playing for an uncaring audience because once they started leaving some money and showing appreciation for her playing, she was emboldened. Even if she made mistakes, they still thanked her for her playing. Being a parent of a musician, I can tell you that you don’t notice mistakes as the listener, but as a musician, it’s all you pay attention to.

I received some helpful advice in a training course for DiSC by Inscape Publishing several years ago which was, “It’s all about them.” When you focus on the audience and your only intention is to bring knowledge, skills or a new awareness to the group in front of you, the fear is damped down. Squashed like a grape.

So how can you squash your fears and minimize your stage fright? Here are a couple of ideas.

1. Meditate. Even 5 minutes a day can improve your focus. It builds the gray matter in your brain and keeps the “stage” clear in your prefrontal cortex. When you can focus, you are keeping your lizard brain at bay. The more you practice meditation, the better the benefits. You don’t see the Dalai Lama stressing out and having performance anxiety.

2. Beliefs. My daughter told me the other day that she was nervous about midterms. She said, “I’m bad at taking tests”. If you believe that you are “bad” at taking tests, you will be. If you believe that you are going to be nervous when you speak in front your Rotary club, you will be. As Byron Katie prescribes, do the turn around. Say to yourself that you are awesome at taking tests, inspiring at speaking in front of an audience, or that you’re going to rock this interview. You gotta believe.

3. Reappraisal. David Rock promotes this in his book Your Brain At Work. When you go on high alert because you feel a lack of control and uncertainty (such as getting on stage in front of a group or taking the SATs), try and re-frame your thinking. I remember being given the advice that you should imagine that everyone is naked…really? Now that is scary. Try and reframe by saying to yourself, “Everyone is excited about what I’m going to say” or “I am really prepared for this test and I’m going to give it my best”. When you can reflect and re-frame, you dampen down the fear response.

4. Transparent. The audience cannot see inside your head. Taylor Clark wrote in his book Nerve about the “illusions of transparency” bias. Put simply, we tend to believe that our internal emotional states are more obvious to others than they truly are. Outside of blushing and nervous twitches, the audience has no idea if you are calm and confident or shaking in your boots. Assume the former and move on.

5. Move. If you sit in the wings of the stage gnashing your teeth, you will raise your heart rate and stress level. Take a ten-minute walk and get the blood flowing to your gray matter. In fact, put your iPod on and listen to some uplifting music while you take that walk.

6. Alcohol and Caffeine. Your adrenaline is high enough. There is no reason to pump up your system so lay off the Mountain Dew, espresso and dark chocolate. You don’t want to be a jittery mess. A shot of tequila or glass of Merlot is a not good route either. You want to be on top of your game, so keep your gray matter in top form.

7. Prepare. Run through your materials. Don’t over think it but make sure you feel comfortable. I find that I am always better the second time I give a training or speech. I know where the lulls are, what questions come up and what material to throw out. It’s the same when you take an exam for the second time in a class. You know what the professor is looking for the second time around.

Try one or two of these the next time your stage fright shows up. Build from there. You can tame your fear with a little practice.

How do you conquer stage fright?