How to Keep Your Inbox from Dragging You Down.

On August 8, 2015August 5, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You know the feeling.
You’ve been on vacation.
Maybe a four day weekend.
The reckoning is coming.
You open your inbox to some 200 plus emails.
Some unopened.
Time to sloth through for 2 plus hours to reorg the whole mess.
Ugh.
Nothing but a time drain.
Lucky for you, I just taught an awesome class developed by Franklin Covey called the 5 Choices of Extraordinary Productivity and I have the master moves to save your inbox.

Here they are:

1. Have folders that make sense. It’s really simple to add folders but frequently they don’t make sense or your folders need to be updated. This happened to me recently. I had a folder in my personal inbox named “Duke” while my daughter was attending the university and I kept track of various school and financial aid information. She graduated two years ago. I am working for Duke as an instructor starting in September. Now the “Duke” folder is housing different information. As Andrew Mellen espouses in his book, Unstuff Your LIfe, you need to have categories that work for you. I used to have folders for each blog I subscribe to. Now I have a main folder called “Blogs” and subfolders with each author’s name. I also update my folders periodically so that now the “Duke” folder is not a subfolder under “Kids” but is now a subfolder under “Current Clients”. Make sure you organize it in a way that makes sense for you and update it as appropriate.

2. Set up rules so you don’t have to open unnecessary emails. Frankin Covey calls this “Win without Fighting”, so essentially you never even see an email and, therefore, never have to fight it. Low hanging fruit here is to have junk mail automatically go to the junk mail or delete folder. I’ve read in several places that it’s not wise to unsubscribe to emails because they frequently create more emails by confirming your email address (obviously these are disreputable spammers). So if you have them go automatically to the delete folder you don’t need to bother to unsubscribe. Shopping receipts can go to the “Purchases” folder automatically if you set up rules from your most frequented online shopping sites like Amazon, Staples, Southwest and the like. What I really like about doing this is that my cell phone inbox doesn’t blow up with emails I want a record of but don’t necessarily want to look at on my phone. It cuts back on the alerts.

3. Turn it into what it is. During the class, as we all sat at our laptops connected to our Outlook inbox, we could turn all those incoming emails into what they actually were. So when I get an invite for a meeting or conference, I can drag the email down to the “Calendar” and create an appointment to decide whether to attend on the last day of early registration. I can drag an email requesting data on turnover to the “Task” list and set up a due date on the first day of the next month. I can drag a new contact email to my “People” icon and set up the contact information. When you do this, you can practically empty your inbox to a handful of emails. Before I started using this method, I invariably had email that sat in my inbox until it was taken care of. So if I couldn’t decide on a conference some six months out, that email would sit there gathering dust and cluttering my head until I could actually sign up for it. Start dragging your incoming email and creating what it really is.

4. Link to Locate. This is the last “Master Move” in the 5 Choices class. Basically, in any calendar entry, you can “insert” an email, a contact, a task or a note. So if you have a meeting with a new client on Friday at 10 AM, you can have the client’s contact information, the proposal you sent them and the notes from the phone call you had with them. They are all sitting there in your calendar entry. In addition, if you copy your associate on the appointment request, they will have access to all the information as well. It’s a nice neat little package. No need to set up an email folder and hope you have all the information in there. Or printing off tons of paper for the meeting. It’s all there in Outlook waiting patiently for the appointed time.

I have to say that even the technology folks in the class didn’t realize all the capabilities of Outlook. Once you start fully utilizing it, it’s remarkable how efficient you can be. Out of 13 participants, every single person had their “mind blown” by how easy it was to organize their technology. My husband brought his laptop home and, after a brief lesson on the 4 items above, he went from over 10,000 emails (all of which were flagged) to ZERO in about two hours. So there you have it. A nice neat efficient inbox. Whew.

7 Ways to Kick Decision Fatigue to the Curb

On August 1, 2015July 30, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You’re standing at your local grocery store and all you want is a box of Ritz crackers.
Problem is that there are 17 varieties of Ritz in front of you on the shelf.
Dang it! All you want is a box of Ritz crackers.
You don’t want football shaped.
You don’t want whole wheat.
You don’t want low fat.
You don’t want hint of salt.
You don’t want bacon flavored (OK maybe you do but not right now).
You don’t want Fresh Packs.
And you don’t want Ritz Bits.
You want to throw your hands up in disgust or pick up the first box that your hand reaches for. Heck, you can work bacon into a dessert recipe, right?
So after reading through countless labels and searching 6 shelves of red boxes,you find the box of Original Ritz on the bottom shelf.
How much brain matter did you exhaust on that little foray into Ritz hell?
Time to eliminate all those decision perhaps?

Here are the 7 ways to kick your decision fatigue to the curb:

1. Wake up earlier. You make better decisions in the morning AND you fair better if you get the earliest appointment whether it’s a court hearing (Judges are more lenient in the morning) or a job interview (earlier candidates are selected more often). Everyone has a clearer head in the morning and, apparently, are more charitable.

2. Exercise early in the day. I know it doesn’t seem like it when you are just getting on the treadmill at 5 AM but you will be more energized throughout the day if you exercise early. Research shows that exercise increases mental acuity for up to 10 hours. Why hand over that acuity to the late night news or your pillow?

3. Pick out your clothes the night before. Why make decisions first thing in the morning or, worse yet, while you are trying to sleep? Hmmm. Should I wear the new sweater or the old blouse? If I wear red will it be too overpowering or perfectly enticing? These are not things you want to be thinking about while you toss and turn. Decide the night before and rest easy.

4. Curb your choices. Have the same breakfast every day of the week. Have only one pair of running shoes and one style of socks. Have the same well-oiled routine every morning to get out the door. The more times you have to stop and decide, the more you get depleted. Eliminate as many choices as possible.

5. Simplify your choices. Take that shopping list of yours and go to some place that has like 4,000 different products versus 50,000 different products. Where is that? Trader Joes. They simplify your choices. I can guarantee you they don’t have 17 varieties of Ritz crackers. In-N-Out Burger has burgers and fries. DVR some select TV shows and quit your channel surfing. That’s it. Less decisions means better cognition. Simplify.

6. Know when enough is enough. You know when you are depleted. Long day at work? Just spent 3 hours in a car? The meeting ran long and you still need to buy dinner are the store? These are bad times to make decisions. You have to acknowledge it to do anything about it. My daughter is famous for saying “Mommy you’re getting hangry (re: hungry and angry) aren’t you?”. Perhaps we should go out for dinner. Maybe a frozen pizza will work. Eggs for dinner might be perfect. You need to know so you can head that bad decision off at the pass.

7. Start with one thing. Don’t take this whole list and start working out at 4:30 AM, purchase 7 pairs of black pants and buy a Ninja to make fruit smoothies every morning. Pick one. Maybe two but NO MORE. As Caroline Arnold writes in her book “Small Move, Big Change”, making one or two small changes is much easier to take on and be successful. But start.

I have made a grocery list every Saturday for years. I know what we are having for dinner and plan it all out Saturday morning. So only the weather will impact what we have for dinner, so if there is lightning, I won’t be standing outside by the grill.

Keep that decision fatigue out of the picture so that you can optimize the more important decisions in your life and let the other ones slide into auto pilot.

9 of the Best Books from My Reading List

On July 25, 2015August 29, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

You’re thinking. I’m not sure what book is worthwhile. After all it’s an investment of your precious time.
At least 4 hours if not much more.
If you’re going to invest 4 to 8 hours of your precious, over committed time to reading a book, you want to make sure it’s worth your investment.
Guess what? I’ve got you covered.
I’ve already invested my time in several books over the last year and I’m going to point you in the right direction.
Easy peasy.

Most Impactful book. The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. This book is short and sweet and eye opening. The agreements are: Be impeccable with your word, Don’t take anything personally, Don’t make assumptions and Always do your best. From childhood we take on all sorts of agreements which skew our view of the world and of our thoughts. To drop all your prior agreements (re: your story) is incredibly challenging. If you listen to the audio book it’s read by Peter Coyote and he does an excellent job. If you want to change your thoughts, this is a must read.

Most Inspiring Book. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. This is the incredible story of Viktor Frankl as a Holocaust survivor. It’s gripping but incredibly enlightening. Here is a trained psychiatrist recounting his days as he watched many people perish as well as those who overcame the unrelenting torture that was Auschwitz. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Need inspiration, this is your book.

Most Useful Book. The Relationship Cure by John Gottman. The basics of connecting and/or not connecting with the people in your life. I am vigilant now about the way I connect with people. Am I turning away, turning against or turning towards connection. We’ve all done it. Deliberately ignored someone, been defiant or reciprocated an outgoing gesture. It’s all here. And if you listen to it on audible, Dr. Gottman is the narrator. His voice is so calm and so accessible. You absolutely feel like you can start using the information right now. Really.

Interesting but Not as Useful. Spy the Lie by Philip Houston, Michael Floyd and Susan Carnicero. This book was written by ex CIA operatives. Fascinating stories and tips for picking up on liars. The only problem is that I’m not a detective or a Russian spy. I guess I might be able to figure out if my son stole a cookie from a cookie jar by reading his body language but I guess I don’t think I have that many liars in my life, which is a good thing. This is a must read for anyone in the detective field or maybe Human Resources.

Most Accessible Book. Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. Chamine gives you things you can start doing right this minute to get out of listening to the saboteurs that are talking in your head. He also has a ton of free assessments and audio meditations on his website: positiveintelligence.com. His main suggestions is to do PQ reps or I would call them mindful techniques to get really present. You can’t be worrying or suffering from anxiety if you are in the moment. Another bonus is that he is the narrator of the audio book.

Most Encompassing Book. 10% Happier by Dan Harris. Dan is a reporter for ABC news. He takes you on an auto biographical journey on his way to being happier and under less anxiety. He chases down every genre of self-help gurus. So if want the Reader’s Digest on Deepack Chopra, Dalia Lama, Eckhart Tolle and countless others, this is your book. It’s fun, at times light hearted and other times cynical but always real.

Least Likely to be Utilized. Unstuff Your Life by Andrew Mellen. This guy has excellent ideas to completely reorganize your life. I would love to hire him to organize mine. But his ideas seem way too OCD. His mantra is everything has a home and everything is in its place. He also obviously does not have a dog or children or a wayward husband. I’d love to take a week off and reorganize, label and back up all my photos but I think I’ll just rely on Facebook.

Cracks Me Up. You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. Jen narrates this self-help book. She is incredibly funny and doesn’t pull any punches. I don’t think I implemented anything from this book but I was incredibly inspired when I finished it. “I can pretty much guarantee that every time you tearfully ask yourself the question, “WTF is my problem?!” the answer lies in some lame, limiting, and false subconscious belief that you’ve been dragging around without even realizing” It’s a fun read and even better listen on audible.

And Out of Left Field. Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World by Jonathan Davis. This book is some 20 hours long so I only suggest this if you like reading about historic figures and if you have a lot of time. I don’t actually have a lot of time but I listen to books when I travel so I got through this in a few weeks. Interesting story and it’s amazing how large the Mongol empire became. Barbaric to be sure, but an amazing story.

A few other honorable mentions are Small Move, Big Change, Better than Before, How to Fail at Almost Anything and Still Win Big, and The Obstacle is the Way. I have also been listening to the Great Courses which is a lecture by a professor who is interesting but they are all about 12 hours long so it is a commitment. But if you want to learn how to be a Non-Fiction Writer or Settle Disputes, there are a bunch of titles to enjoy.
So get out there and pick up that book and invest your time. I didn’t include the many books I thought were duds. Happy reading.

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How to Instantly Connect. The Basics of Emotional Bidding.

On July 18, 2015July 22, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

When I think of bidding, I think of poker. So I didn’t immediately connect when I heard Marita Fridjhon, CRR Global, introduce the idea of a “repair bid” in terms of making a movement to try and repair a relationship. So if you are in conflict with a co-worker, you redirect the conversation by making a positive connection by saying something like, “I can see you put a lot of effort into this report” or “I so glad you’ve taken this project on.” It’s like stopping and offering a gift of grapes; sometimes known as a peace offering. The silent message is, “I know we disagree but I still value and respect you.” But there are more than just repair bids.

The idea of emotional bidding was developed by John Gottman and is outlined in his book, The Relationship Cure. “Introducing the fundamental unit of emotional connection he calls the “emotional bid,” Dr. Gottman shows that all good relationships are built through a process of making and receiving successful bids. These bids range from such subtle gestures as a quick question, a look, or a comment, to the most probing and intimate ways we communicate.” So the act of bidding is something we all need to understand and develop in order to connect with others. It’s the nuanced give and take between two people that lets the other know that you care while it strengthens your relationship.

So here are the ways we bid and instantly connect with others:

1. Question. As Gottman espouses, a question can be simple. “Did you see the World Cup game last night?” or “Can I get you some coffee?” or “What time are you leaving?” A question is easy and almost demands connection. This brings up a memory from traveling across the country with my family in a 22 foot trailer when I was eight years old. My father probably met a thousand folks on that trip, largely because he would ask questions whether standing on line at a gas station, restaurant, national monument, ice cream stand or rest area. “Where are you from?” “How long have you been on the road?” “What do you do?” Invariably my dad would be delayed and we would all roll our eyes in unison and say, “He’s probably talking to someone.” But he would always come back with some interesting story about the guy from Minnesota who is a trout fisherman with twelve kids. The point is he knew how to connect. Ask questions.

2. Gesture. Perhaps the easiest gesture is a wave. But any positive gesture is a way to connect. I remember when we first moved to Goldsboro which is a small town in Eastern North Carolina some 14 years ago. My husband and I would be driving to our rental house and a guy sitting on his riding mower would wave at us. We would look at each other perplexed like how does he know us? Turns out that’s what you do in a small southern town. You wave at people if you know them or not. I have to say I have felt more connected since I moved here and now I wave whether walking or driving. Connect through a gesture.

3. Look. So much can be communicated in just one look. A wink. A grin. As Gottman cites in his book, when someone is gauging your communication 7% is based on the actual spoken word, 38% is on tone and pace of voice and 55% is based on facial expressions and body language. One look speaks volumes over what you are actually saying. It’s engaging. And it’s so simple. Communicate and connect by simply looking.

4. Touch. In my opinion, this is the fastest way to connect to someone although in the business setting this can be risky. It’s not like this has to be an embrace. A dear friend of mine, and the editor of this blog, used to be a cocktail waitress at the San Francisco airport (MANY years ago). I can remember her advice as we were waiting on patrons in the Sunset Bar: “Touch the customer on the back of the shoulder.” My tips went up. Literally connecting with the customer had a huge impact. Such a small bid with terrific results. Try it in an argument if you can pull it off without it being obvious.

5. Express. Express your feelings. I know I have recommended this when I facilitate the DDI training “Essentials of Leadership” which recommends, “Share thoughts, feelings and rationale.” My Baby Boomer managers cringe at sharing their feelings. Like we need to sing Kumbaya or something. Feelings are not necessarily those of love (although in bidding with a love interest, it certainly could be). Feelings can be apprehension, fatigue, uncertainty, anger or excitement. “I’m nervous about giving you this project” or “I’m tired and I’m not thinking clearly.” For me it shows authenticity. Express yourself. Contrary to what you might think, it shows confidence and trust.

Connection can be fleeting if the other party does not reciprocate. Perhaps they are on their smart phone and ignore your attempts at a gesture. Gottman refers to this as a bid buster called being mindless. So make sure you are receiving as well as giving bids. Pay attention and acknowledge the connect. How do you bid?

5 Surprising Reasons You Need To Delete “Sorry” From Your Vocabulary

On July 11, 2015July 19, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator3 Comments

I’ve been focused for the last week or so on how often I say sorry. It turns out I’m not as bad as I expected and I realized I’ve done a good job of taking it out of my vocabulary. Originally, I became aware of my apologetic behavior after reading My Life in France by Alex Prud’homme and Julia Child. If a dish goes horribly wrong, like a ”vile” eggs Florentine she once made for a friend, Julia instructed, ”Never apologize.” Sometimes I forget to season the food, one time I forgot to put the chicken base into a soup and it was basically water with some vegetables floating in it. I bit my tongue. To apologize as Julia espouses only makes it worse. ”The cook must simply grin and bear it,” Julia said firmly. And act as if you intended it that way. This apologetic behavior came up in another book by Caroline Arnold called Small Move, Big Change. Arnold’s book is about micro resolutions but one of the resolutions she took on was to stop apologizing. She found that every time she apologized to her husband it put him on the defensive. I never thought about that. I always looked at an apology as taking responsibility but really you end up making the other person (the receiver of the apology) feel diminished. That seems counter intuitive but think about it. If I apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning, my husband will feel like he was putting me out to begin with. Like he was demanding the dry cleaning and I must fall on the sword to take responsibility. It’s just dry cleaning. As Arnold recommends, just give the information and let it go. “I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.” Done. So here are the surprising reasons you need to delete “sorry” from your vocabulary: 1. Inauthentic. It makes you come across as inauthentic. Especially when you are apologizing for the weather or for your in-laws being late. Are you really responsible for the weather? Are you clairvoyant? Because if you aren’t then why are you apologizing. “I’m so sorry it’s so hot and humid.” Think about that statement in the middle of July in Eastern North Carolina. Ridiculous and inauthentic. 2. Manipulative. I think every mother is guilty of trying to manipulate their children by apologizing. “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to clean your room while I slaved away on a three course meal after a full day of juggling away at work while suffering from a wretched cold.” Right. Perhaps you are just trying to make your child feel guilty. Apologizing is manipulative. 3. Filler. It’s a filler word that we think is polite like please or thank you. But it’s really not polite. I was putting some things away the other day and brought a tool to my husband and asked where he wanted me to store it. He told me that he would take care of it and my reflexive answer was “sorry.” I caught the word in my mouth and said “No, I’m not sorry.” He looked relieved. Why in the world would I apologize? There is nothing wrong with getting things back to where they need to be stored and there is no reason to apologize. 4. Excuse. Julia considered it unseemly for a cook to twist herself into knots of excuses and explanations. Such admissions ”only make a bad situation worse,” she said, by drawing attention to one’s shortcomings (or self-perceived shortcomings) and prompting your guest to think: Yes, you’re right, this really is an awful meal. In a sense, it brings everyone down. It focuses on the negative instead of the positive; try instead to comment perhaps on the crisp Sauvignon Blanc or the fragrant flowers or the lovely view. Quit making excuses. 5. Disingenuous. How often are you apologizing for something you really aren’t sorry for? Like your opinion. “I’m sorry but I disagree” or “I’m sorry but you don’t have all the facts.” If you disagree or your boss does not have all the facts why in the world would you apologize for it? And what does your boss think of you if you apologize for the facts she didn’t have? It’s empty and insincere. Sometimes we just need to pay attention to the language we are using. There is power in being succinct and just relaying information instead of dressing it up (or dressing it down) with “sorry.” Focus on the information you want to relay without any apologizing qualifiers. Or perhaps just be OK with the silence. Do you apologize too often?

30 Itsy Bitsy Habits You Can Kick-start Today

On July 5, 2015July 19, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

It turns out it’s a lot easier to start an itsy bitsy habit instead of a gargantuan habit. So instead of embarking on a marathon, start with a tiny step like keeping your running shoes by the bed. The point is that it’s a lot easier to train your brain to go into auto pilot in the morning to walk the dog than it is to go out on a 10 mile training run for a marathon. The first time you try a new habit you barely leave a mark in your brain like footprints across freshly mowed grass. By the time you’ve been practicing a habit like brushing your teeth, you have a full on coast to coast railroad track laid down in your brain and there is no stopping it.

I’ve actually been walking two miles every morning that I am home. I roll around in bed and think, “ugh, I don’t want to go out in the heat and humidity. It’s my birthday, take the day off, just go have some coffee and watch TV.” But somehow my brain is hard wired now, get up, brush and floss my teeth, put on my shorts and t-shirt, put on my sneakers and head out the door. I am on auto pilot. Nothing, even my sloth brain can convince me to stop. Small habits turn you into an unstoppable robot that is on autopilot. This is my morning routine and there is no stopping it. Ever.

So the secret as espoused by Small Move, Big Change by Caroline Arnold, is micro resolutions. Make one tiny change that you can easily handle and over 30 to 60 days, it will become a habit. The secret is to only take on one or two at a time (no MORE!). Once it is a habit, it’s like driving to work, you won’t even think about it. It will be unbreakable.

So here are some itsy bitsy habits you can start right now:

1. Drink a glass of water before every meal.
2. Put your sneakers by your bed.
3. Floss your teeth every morning.
4. Write in a journal every evening.
5. Meditate for 5 minutes once a day.
6. Walk first thing every morning.
7. Make a fruit smoothie for breakfast every weekday
8. Put your clothes out the night before work/school.
9. Park your car in the farthest parking spot.
10. Make a weekly phone date with your brother, sister, mother, grandfather etc.
11. Put your car keys on a plate in your kitchen.
12. Put your clothes away immediately upon changing.
13. Clear the table once you have finished a meal.
14. Put your shoes in the same spot every time.
15. Take three slow deep breaths before eating.
16. Stop saying “sorry”.
17. Smile when you enter a room.
18. Make your bed.
19. Make a grocery list.
20. Plan your weekly meals on Sunday.
21. Schedule time to work on projects once a week.
22. Plug your cell phone in to charge when you get home.
23. No technology after 7 PM.
24. Go to bed a half hour earlier than usual.
25. Set your alarm clock 10 minutes earlier.
26. Water your plants every Saturday.
27. Read for 15 minutes before bed.
28. Wish your friends “Happy Birthday” on Facebook.
29. Use Luminosity every morning for 5 minutes.
30. Pay your bills every other Wednesday night.

If you can accomplish one or two of these itsy bitsy habits for a month or two, you will be on auto pilot. You won’t have to think about it anymore. You know how difficult it is to break a bad habit, so once it is engrained in your brain, you will never have to remember to floss again. Trust me, I have done everything on this list (not all at once) but over the last 5 years. Now I don’t even think about it. Where do you want to start?

Being in the Moment. What my Dog Taught me About Presence.

On June 27, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Love this one!

Workplace Navigator

If you listen to the book, The Obstacle Is the Way, on Audible there is an interview between the author, Ryan Holiday and Tim Ferriss, author of 4-hour Workweek at the end of the recording. It is a fascinating interview and at one point Tim asks Ryan what he is grateful for. Ryan responds, his dog because he helps keep him present. I immediately connected. My dog, Baci, is the most joyful, present being I know and I absolutely learn from her every day.

Baci is a 6 year old Brittany who we have owned since she was 2 months old. Outside of being a pain to get house broken (I think it took almost 2 years), she is the best dog I have ever owned. I think she’s had an influence on our entire family, as she shares her joy and love unabashedly. So if one dog…

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Exploring our edges. My drive on Mount Tamalpais.

On June 21, 2015June 14, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

I have traveled to Northern California over the last year to take ORSC training by CRR Global. Since I was, for twenty years, a resident of Northern California this training has given me the opportunity to travel to many old haunts, sightseeing and visiting with friends and family. So when I arrived at 2 PM on a Thursday with the entire afternoon to kill, I had to think, where do I really want to go. My final destination was my hotel in San Rafael. But what to do with 4 plus hours on my own with absolutely no commitments. After searching the current exhibitions at all the local museums with nothing of interest, I decided I wanted to conquer Mount Tamalpais.

I knew from experience that I should be able to drive up just shy of the summit and that the drive to the top, on a sunny day, would be spectacular. Well, since it was a sunny day, mid-week (i.e. less tourists) I set my GPS for Mount Tam and headed north over the Golden Gate Bridge. So this might seem like it’s not a big deal but I have suffered from acrophobia for most of my life. As I happily drove up to the summit I suddenly realized why I hadn’t been up to the summit in over 2 decades. It’s a long way down to the Pacific and there are no guard rails. I definitely was crossing an edge. The ironic thing is that I was attending a CRR Global session the following night titled “Exploring our Edges” and here I was literally exploring my acrophobic edge.

So this is what I learned about exploring my edge:

1. Name it. Probably the biggest advantage of coaching is that, through powerful questions, you name the obstacle, desired outcome or future state you are seeking. Whether it’s dumping your day job, deciding to propose, changing your business focus or quitting smoking, name the change. It’s not until a coach asks me, “How do you want it to be?” that I realize I want to run a marathon or write a book or start a new business. When you are crystal clear on where the destination is and name it, it’s much easier to explore. It would be like looking at maps of Haiti when you really want to go to Tahiti. Be sure to name it.

2. Experience it. In the CRR Global session, we each had a partner to explore our individual edge. There was blue painter’s tape on the floor shaped as an isosceles angle. The pinnacle of the angle was the “edge” and the left side was labeled “now” and right side labeled “future”. Standing with a coach next to you to experience where you are on the edge (right next to the pinnacle or way down at the base or already on the future side). This helps to reveal your emotional attachment or lack of attachment, your resistance or uncovers your ambition, your fear and your passion. It’s quite different to physically take a stand instead of just talking in the hypothetical. It makes it real. Be sure to experience where you are versus your edge.

3. Test it. When we were exploring our edge in class, we were encouraged to test getting over the edge any way we wanted. Some folks took baby steps up to the pinnacle, one person got down on the floor and sniffed the edge, some jumped to the other side. And then jumped back. I tell you that when I got to the top of Mount Tam and realized I needed to drive back down from where I came, I panicked a bit. Then I realized it was my edge and I could deal with it anyway I wanted. I drove the hairpin turns with a thousand foot drop off at ten miles an hour and imagined I was in the middle of a corn field in Kansas (as flat as could be). As the altitude dropped, my speed increased, and if a car came up behind me, I pulled over so they could pass. I was testing my edge at my own pace.

4. Design it. As you test and experience the change you want, you suddenly become aware of what you need to do to get there or not get there. I’ve seen clients decide that they need be patient and wait for their next stock option vestment, or to sign up for the next coach training or call their financial advisor or get their website up or get safely to the bottom of the mountain. When you finally have some clarity, it becomes apparent what you need to do. Design your next step.

5. Check it. It always helps to have accountability. Whether you put your action step on your own calendar or promise to email your friend after you sign up for that new class or when your website is live. When I drove to the top of Mount Tam, I let my husband know where I was going. If you don’t set up something to be cross checked, it gets lost in the ether; like many good intentions, never to be heard from again. Make sure you have a way to check progress whether internally or externally.

When I began writing this, I had to research if I had vertigo or acrophobia. It is acrophobia (a fear of heights) and apparently women suffer from it twice as much as men. As infants and toddlers we have a natural fear of cliffs. This brought me back to an incident from my childhood. Apparently as a two year old, I tried to crawl out of a second story window and my father saved me just in time. So if I didn’t have the fear of cliffs before, I most certainly did afterwards. I will continue to explore my edge. What edge do you need to explore?

How to unchain from your children. Lessons from coaching.

On June 14, 2015June 3, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

Being a parent is a difficult job. There is this sense that your child’s happiness is completely dependent on you. Dare I say chained to you. So if Jimmy gets an F on his book report, you must pick up the pieces and find a way for Jimmy to succeed. I can remember one of the first girls, OK maybe the first five girls to “date” my son, ended the relationship by text. The relationship may have lasted just some 36 hours but I was devastated that they had the audacity to break up with my son via a text. Really? How heartless. That’s my hugga bear you just broke up with. I can look back now and see it was futile to get wrapped in the ups and downs of adolescent heartbreak. The secret is to be unchained from the outcome and present in the moment.

I coach several folks who are parents as well. I see the struggle of trying to reconcile their own happiness with the happiness of their children. It’s natural for parents to want to see their children succeed. But chasing that happiness for them can be detrimental. All you really have is your own experience. And your children have theirs. When they were in a car seat or crib, you had a lot of control over their happiness. You could change their diaper, grab a bottle or entertain them with a rattle. Once they head off to school you become less and less able to dictate their happiness and they become more and more in charge of their own fate.

So here are the lessons I’ve learned:

• Normalize. There is comfort in knowing that whatever you are going through, that practically everyone else has been there. Normalizing is a technique as a coach to find out if in the client’s heart they realize that what they are going through is normal. So whether it’s telling a client “isn’t it normal to want your son’s wedding to be perfect” or tell my daughter “isn’t it normal to want a committed relationship?” This is coaching 101. Everyone thinks their thoughts are unique to them. But we all suffer from our thoughts. Having a client realize on their own that what they are thinking is normal can lower the anxiety level. Be sure to normalize your own and others thoughts.

• Separate. I had a client recently who has been working hard to separate herself from the drama that is planning a wedding for her son. If you haven’t been through the experience, the wedding is all about the bride. Being the mother of the groom can be very difficult. When it comes to a decision, the bride and her mother get to win. No matter what. My client has made great strides in letting the wedding be about them and not her. She has been able to look at it from a different angle and through a different lens. She is just an observer and the result has been much less strife. She’s been open to whatever decision comes along. As she said after the wedding, “Because I did not become part of the “drama”, the wedding experience was absolutely amazing! I enjoyed every single part of it. Practically, stress free. Learning to take yourself out of the equation when possible makes life much easier. “Separate yourself from the drama.

• Don’t buffer. I have another client who feels she has to be the buffer between her children and her husband. So if her daughter doesn’t sign up for the class in time, my client feels like she needs to buffer her husband from the information. I have lived this myself. I felt as though I had to make sure any negative information with my kids was properly couched to my spouse; and that the best light was shone on the issue at hand. It’s exhausting. I had to realize that my husband was a big boy and could handle the disappointment. I am not responsible for his happiness or his interpretation either. Allow others to speak for themselves; don’t buffer.

• Don’t attach. The outcome is not attached to you. If my client’s son’s wedding is fantastic or if the bride leaves her son at the altar (ala The Graduate), it is not a reflection on the mother of the groom. As she said to me in our last session before the wedding, “I just want to be present and enjoy the moment”. She’s not attached to the outcome. She is just there to experience it and support this new beginning.

• Let go. In the last few years I have really worked on letting go. I’ve seen my son and daughter decide on colleges, careers and love interests. I’ve seen my kids make decisions that I wouldn’t have. Piercings, hair styles and music preferences. I have let go of my judge and sent the judge on a mission of silence. As my client with the groom said, “And in regards to letting go, it is difficult, but when you do let go, the burden is lighter-you still worry, and of course pray for their safety, but the rest is out of your control. And, yes, it is much easier said than done.” What they do, is what they do. I hope nothing is life threatening but when your child is over 18 there really isn’t much you can do to change the course of their life. Let go.

I’m not saying it’s easy but I know that their happiness is their responsibility and my happiness is mine. Let them get there on their own path and don’t feel like you have to run ahead with a machete clearing the way. What have learned from being a parent?

6 Reasons Why You Need Music in Your Life

On June 7, 2015May 31, 2015 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace NavigatorLeave a comment

My Rotary Club toured a local elementary Charter School a few weeks ago and there was a wall near the music room that had the question, “Why do you need music?” There were about 100 or so responses that had each child’s name, grade and individual response. It was really interesting but one particular response jumped out to me. Gavin in Grade 3 said, “It makes your mind explode”. Quite profound for an 8 year old. Explode is a powerful word and it resonates for me. It’s kind of like the old tag line for Coke: “Things go better with Coke”. Things go better with music; life goes better with music.

For me different songs take me to a particular moment in time in my life. Songs in the Key of Life by Stevie Wonder transports me to the front porch 210 College Avenue in Ithaca, NY. My friend Mark and I sitting on a sofa on that porch watching folks walk by during the spring of my sophomore year. Who let the dogs out reminds me of my son at age 5 dancing to the music in the middle of Windsor Water Works transfixed by the beat. Mac the Knife with Bobby Darin is definitely my Junior year of college and my co-workers from Noyes Lodge making shark bites with our hands. I hear that song and I am there. As I was hitting the last .1 mile of my half marathon and Katy Perry’s Firework came on my iPod to carry me through. Transported totally.

Well there are a lot of scientific reasons why music is so good for you and here they are:
1. Brain Function. Music activates cross function between the left and right brain. According to the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, “Rhythm and pitch discrimination are processed mainly in the left hemisphere whereas timbre and melody are found chiefly in the right…. listening to music would prime the activation of those areas of the brain which are concerned with spatial reasoning.” So if you want your left and right brains to connect, listen to some Mozart.

2. Better Grades. Another quote from that music room wall was “It helps you learn – try saying your ABC’s without singing the song”. I have to admit, when I used to have to actually file in a file cabinet (so old school), I used to sing the abc’s especially around l,m,n,o,p. But the American Music Conference has cited research that shows studying and creating music may help improve your capacity to learn other subjects and get better grades overall. Nothing wrong with that. Even to learn another language.

3. Universal. In an article by askmen.com, “Ask any American backpacker what subject comes up when they are at a conversation standstill with an Argentinean that doesn’t speak English – invariably Led Zepplin, Metallica, Eric Clapton, the Rolling Stones and Pearl Jam will be discussed.” I remember my tour of Colombia in my middle twenties. Everyone asked about Madonna and Michael Jackson. Everyone. It is the universal language.

4. Exercise. I never would have survived training for a marathon without my iPhone and my trusty ear buds. When you are running 15 miles for some 3 plus hours, the greatest motivation is the beat beat beat. According to Active.com, “Research suggests that music really can boost athletic performance. Liverpool John Moores University in England looked at the effects of music of different tempos on stationary cycling performance. The subjects’ average power output over the full 25 minutes was found to be 3.5 percent greater when the music tempo was increased. Their power dropped by 9.8 percent when the music was slowed down.” Music powers exercise.

5. Pain relief. According to the Journal of Advanced Nursing, music can reduce chronic pain by up to 21%. “The results from a clinical trial revealed that people who listened to music for an hour each day for a week had improved physical and psychological symptoms compared to those who were deprived of music.” Listening to music might just be the best medicine.

6. Emotional benefits. As I am writing this, I have iTunes playing my “Create” music list which has nothing but instrumental songs on it. Anything from classical to Zoe Keating to Ottmar Liebert. Well any time I hear Ottmar Leibert and his spanish classical guitar it transports me back to being 8 months pregnant with my daughter in Albuquerque, NM. I used to turn on Ottmar when I was cleaning the house or reading. I was pretty sure that Natalie would come out with a Classical Guitar in hand after all those hours of listening to Ottmar. It was relaxing and calming. I remember in the actual delivery room, we had tapes of Ottmar playing. I’m not saying it was easy but it was soothing.

This has really opened up a can of worms of memories for me. One more I have to mention is my dad playing Simon and Garfunkel and Joan Baez LP’s when I was a kid on the HUGE hifi in the living room of our house in Wilmington DE. “Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme”. Music becomes ‘that bridge’ between so many different things in life. It’s really amazing when you think of it. Music has even been found to help prison inmates relax and be less aggressive. It can be life changing for all of us. What song is a big memory for you?