Category: Cathy Noice

🚎Enchanting New Mexico

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I spent two years living in New Mexico and even gave birth to my fabulous daughter, Natalie, there in 1993.  My original visit in 1992 was to turn around a failing restaurant for the company I was working for and I spent every free day off traveling the back roads of New Mexico. I investigated parks and archeological sites around the state like Bandelier National Monument, Chaco Canyon, Acoma Pueblo, Taos and, my favorite, the artsy, unique Santa Fe. I focused mostly on the northern half of the state because I was based in Albuquerque.  Outside of the wonderful, Bosque de Apache, which is probably the best wildlife refuge I’ve ever been to; think thousands if not tens of thousands of sandhill cranes and snow geese, I had never ventured much further south on my own. 

Climbing in Bandelier National Monument in 1992

Southern New Mexico is home to three noteworthy stops: Carlsbad Caverns National Park, the town of Roswell, and White Sands National Park.  There is also a bonus National Park called Guadalupe National Park. It’s actually in Texas even though it’s only 20 miles of Carlsbad Caverns and none of the clocks (including my apple watch) acknowledged that it’s Mountain Time, Guadalupe is on Mountain Time and not Central Time. 

I initially visited Carlsbad Caverns NP on my trip to the west coast in the mid 80’s with my then husband, Orlando.  I was really looking forward to getting back to the caverns to revisit and to also get out of the extreme 100 degree plus heat that is southern New Mexico in late May. Regardless of the time of the year, I visited on a Friday in May. The parking lot was about 3/4 full. I was surprised except that everyone else was probably trying to escape the heat as well.  I had no problem getting a ticket for the self-guided tour of the caverns but that was probably because the elevator wasn’t working.  Gulp. They made it very clear that I could walk down the 79 stories to the bottom of the cavern (and more importantly the walk back up).  I hesitated but decided that it was worth the try to get down to the bottom which is billed as an extremely steep and difficult 1 1/4 mile  hike down.

So, the walk down is dark and steep and although they advertise “hand rails”, I would bet that’s only about 20% of the walk.  There are no steps so it’s a long winding paved trail down with upwards of 30 switchbacks and most of it is either dimly lit or dark. The opening at the top of the caverns is enormous and there were hundreds people including school groups at various stages of either traveling down or traveling up (remember the elevator was not working). There were upwards of fifty wrens flying around the entrance during the walk down but apparently the wrens are replaced by bats at nightfall.  I made it down about a mile and saw one more very steep descent and, being that I was traveling alone and still had a two-hour drive to Roswell to camp in my RV, Abeona, I decided to turn around. It was still worth the trip down but since I have only myself to depend on this trip, I felt it was prudent to turn around. There were several formations that I got to see and walking down some 60-ish flights is pretty amazing.  I also met several people on my hike down and up as we were all suffering from the lack of elevators.  I remember the elevator in my first trip there with Orlando.  It was quite the journey down into the belly of the cavern.  I would definitely go back but make enough time to be able to complete the trip or be whisked down in an elevator.

Roswell is worth the stop even if you’re not into all things alien.  This town has totally embraced its UFO identity.  The street light posts are painted like aliens, there are alien themed window paintings and signs throughout the town including a picture of an alien taking money from an ATM at a local bank.  There is even a credit union with a space ship in its logo.  If it’s from outer space, it’s in Roswell.  This all stems from the Roswell Incident when an alleged UFO crashed nearby in 1947.  There are several museums including The International UFO Museum and Research Center, Roswell Space Center, Roswell UFO Spacewalk and Alien Zone.  For a town of close to 50,000 people, that’s a lot of museums dedicated to space and aliens. I went to the UFO museum and for $7.00, it was worth it just for all the interesting displays. If you are really into all things alien, the UFO festival in early July is not to be missed by everything I read.

My last stop on my trip west in New Mexico was White Sands National Park.  Orlando and I had visited here as well back in the 80’s.  I remember the park being basically vacant on our early November visit. Fast forward to this year and considering it was over 100 degrees there were about 100 or so folks in the visitor center. After going through the visitor’s center, I headed out to the 10 mile loop road through the white sand dunes.  I should have read the map or asked about the road conditions before I headed blindly out on the Dunes Road.  About 3 miles in there was a sign on the side of the road that said “pavement ends.”  Did I mention I was driving my new RV?  I was not expecting to be on sand for 8 miles. Whether I liked it or not, there I was driving on sand for about 2 miles until there was a large turn off to park.  It was exciting to get on top of the dunes and see nothing but white dunes for as far as the eye could see.  It also was a terrific surface to reflect the hot sun back.  As much as I wanted to go the entire loop as I remember Orlando and I doing almost 40 years earlier, I wasn’t willing to risk getting stuck in my RV without 4-wheel drive.  I turned around and headed back but even the one stop was worth it. Similar to my visit to Death Valley a few years ago, it’s so amazing to experience the vast array of topography and elements of the western United States. 

Between the art and architecture of Santa Fe, the wildlife of Bosque de Apache, the depths and vastness of the Carlsbad Caverns, the expanse and beauty of White Sands and the quirky, out of the world Roswell, it’s all so enchanting.  I think I could return again and again and continue to find more enchantment.

😎 3 Steps to the Positive No

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I just finished William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No.  Ury is the coauthor of Getting to Yes and Getting Past No and is a negotiating expert as well as the cofounder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation.  He knows of what he writes. “No” is one of the most uncomfortable things to say as it puts a stake in the ground or sets up a boundary. And for most folks, including myself, this can be difficult.  To push back in scenarios where work is impeding your personal life or standing firm in a decision to go down one path instead of another (more popular, better supported) path can be anguishing. 

The first paradigm around No that I learned was from coach and author Christine Kane in what she originally referred to as the Proactive No and, has since changed it to, the Natural No.  I can see now that they have some of the same principles although Ury’s has a lot more detail. Kane’s structure is really more a combination of Ury’s Step 1 and Step 2 and leaves out Step 3 which I can see is very imporant.

Here are the 3 steps to the Positive No:

Express your Yes. As Ury writes, “Perhaps the single biggest mistake we make when we say No is to start from No. We derive our No from what we are against – the other’s demand or behavior.  A Positive No calls on us to do the exact opposite and base our No on what we are for.  Root your No in a deeper Yes – a Yes to your core interests and to what truly matters.” So, I have to think about what my core belief is or my why.  If my boss wants me to work this Saturday, my Yes is quality time with my family.  My Yes is spending dinners with my family.  My Yes is getting 8 hours of sleep.  My Yes is focusing on plant-based foods.  I have to figure out my underlying Yes before saying No which takes thought.  Leading with Yes is a much more positive, respectful approach.  Kane’s framework involves preset boundaries and expressing them like “Sunday nights are for family” or “I only work with 10 clients at a time.” Being very clear with your boundaries or what you say Yes to. It’s not about stopping someone in their tracks, it’s shedding light on another aspect of your work or life that perhaps the other person is not aware of. It takes preparation and thought but start with your Yes. And it gives the other person a chance to understand you better.

Assert your No. Ury posits, “Saying No is essential to life.  Every living cell has a membrane that allows certain needed nutrients to pass through and repels others.  Every living organism needs such boundaries to protect itself.  To survive and thrive, every human being and every organization needs to be able to say No to anything that threatens their safety, dignity and integrity.” He says that No is quiet, deep and firm. He also suggests having a Plan B which is a backup plan but is not dependent on the other person. He also recommends answering three questions before saying No, “Do I have the interest in saying No? Do I have the power?  Do I have the right?” It’s important to focus on yourself and not to sweeten it up to be more receptive by the receiver. I’ve waffled many times in the past on my No.  No is not a negotiation, it’s a statement.  Controlling the other’s person’s reaction is not up to you.  You can always empathize with how they feel like “I can see this caught your off guard” or “I understand you are upset with this”.   Just don’t sympathize or feel their pain, just understand their pain. In Kane’s Proactive No, the No is the main focus although the Yes is embedded in it by saying “I spend dinners with my family so I can’t attend this meeting.” It gives the why Yes and the No all in the same statement. It leaves off the next step which I think is the most important. 

Propose a Yes. Ury states, “Delivering a Positive No is the cure of the process, requiring skill and tact.  It begins with an affirmation (Yes!), proceeds to establish a limit (No) and ends with a proposal (Yes?). This gives the opportunity for a positive outcome. You’re closing one door and asking the other to walk through another door.”  Making a proposal shows respect and anticipates their needs. “Quality family time is important to me (Yes), I can’t work on the project this weekend (No), I propose I work late Monday and Tuesday to get it done (Yes?).”  It also gives the other person a chance to say yes.  Sometimes, the other person is angry or triggered. Sometimes, you can be upset or triggered.  Giving space to cool off and coming back to a proposal may be in order.  Sometimes, there’s not enough information and you can suggest a later time or to gather more information. You can also you If…Then proposals, “If I get project C done by noon, I can sit in on the interview.” I think the proposal aspect is the most freeing of the process because it’s not the cold hard No.  It’s a No with a possibility of a different Yes. It’s a great opportunity to test assumptions. 

I really think this framework is empowering because I typically would get caught up in being nice and not wanting to ruffle feathers so I would avoid saying no.  It’s also important to know that someone could get angry or defensive or sad but none of that is in your control.  What is important is making space to live your values and being able to set up boundaries.  How do you say No?

🤠Southwestern Oddities on My Travels

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I’ve been traveling for almost 4 weeks in my RV, Abeona, through West Texas, Southern New Mexico and Arizona during the Spring of 2024.  There are some oddities that you just don’t see in Durham, NC, where my home is. I am familiar with some of these things as I lived in Albuquerque in the early 90’s but I have been genuinely surprised by some of these phenomena and roadside attractions.

West Texas

Here are some of the oddities I found on the byways of the Southwest:

Hitchhiker warnings.  I can remember my brother Rick and me driving through Arizona back in the 90’s and there were several signs about not picking up hitchhikers because we were near a prison facility.  First of all, are there really that many prison breaks that meant they needed signs for this? Secondly, wouldn’t it be pretty obvious that they were escaped prisoners?  I can remember at the time of my road trip with my brother that we were low on gas.  We were worried that we would run out and, due to the signs, we wouldn’t get help.  This was pre-cell phone. These signs are still there in New Mexico and Arizona and they are miles from the nearest prison. 

Tumbleweeds.  I always thought tumbleweeds were a creation for Looney Tunes when I grew up in the suburbs of Northern Delaware.  But tumbleweeds are for real and are quite jolting when driving down an Interstate at 70 miles an hour. They move fast and steam roll across the road out of nowhere.  

Prada Store.  There is an art installation along Route 90 near Marfa TX that looks like a small Prada Store complete with handbags and some shoes. I had been driving for about 2 hours as I was leaving Big Bend National Park and suddenly see this small store on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.  I mean nowhere.  I’m thinking, who in the world would travel 3 hours to shop for Prada shoes? I didn’t know until later that it’s an art installation.  Crazy.

Giant Movie Roadside Tribute. Not far from the Prada Store in Marfa on Route 90 is a plywood tribute to the 1956 movie starring James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor.  There is a reproduction of the house James Dean, Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson behind the wheel of a big yellow car. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to stop and take pictures but, in an RV, it would have been too hard to turn around. 

Paisano Pete.  This is on a corner in Fort Stockton, TX.  It’s the second largest roadrunner in the world and stands 11 feet tall and has been there since the 1980’s.  At the time it was the largest roadrunner in the world until Las Cruces put in a larger roadrunner statute in 1993.  

Dust Storms.  If you have driven on Interstate 10 in southern New Mexico and Arizona, you are familiar with large yellow signs warning of “Dust Storms for the next 40 miles”.  They even have instructions on what to do (like don’t stay on the main roadway).  There was at least 200 miles of warnings of possible dust storms and I was there on a very windy day but luckily there were no storms as I was passing through.  The main upshot is that it’s windy and dusty and when they combine, it’s dangerous.

Ruidoso Bed Races.  There is an annual bed race in Ruidoso, NM.  This is a very small town in the hills of New Mexico between Alamogordo and Roswell.  I remember bed races when I was in college so seeing this annual event advertised in this tiny town in New Mexico brought back memories.

Deming Duck Races.  I immediately thought that this would be little yellow ducks which I have seen at charity events.  But no, in Deming, New Mexico, these are live ducks who race through the water to the finish line. In addition, there is a Tournament of Ducks Parade and a Duck Royalty pageant.  Random but looks like fun.

Some of these oddities are upward of hundreds of miles apart on the long, dusty roads of the southwest. It’s lonesome, dry and miles of long vacant high desert and hills.  It felt like an Easter Egg Hunt when I ran across some of these interesting oddities hundreds of miles outside of a large metropolitan city.

🥾Discovering Big Bend

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I have been to many National Parks in my lifetime between a cross country trip with my family at the age of 8, a cross country move in the mid 80’s and a few more trips out west when my kids were small. Big Bend at the very edge of Texas was never on my radar until about 8 years ago.  I had never even heard of this park until then when it was featured on CBS Sunday Morning, but once I knew that there was a National Park on the edge of the Rio Grande between the United States and Mexico, it went on the bucket list. 

Hiking Santa Elena Canyon

I traveled to Big Bend in my motorhome, Abeona (Goddess of the Outward Journey) in May of 2024. It’s a little under 2,000 miles from my home in Durham, NC. I found many wonderful discoveries in Big Bend and here are some of them:

It’s enormous. I had stayed in Fredericksburg the night before I arrived and took route 385 on the northern border of the park.  It turns out that this is the least traveled entrance, although during the summer, the park is not heavily visited due to the extreme heat. Driving down through the center of the park on 385, it took almost 45 minutes to get to the visitor center at Panther Junction.  I didn’t pass a single car on the way to the visitor center. I actually was a little nervous that maybe a road was out because there was so little traffic until I got to the visitor center.  Big Bend is the size of the state of Rhode Island.  Now it doesn’t compare in size to the various parks in Alaska, Yellowstone or the Grand Canyon but anything that’s the size of a state is big.  It’s not going to be easy to see in a day. I was glad that I had three days to explore.

It’s a desert. While there are many mountains and the Rio Grande within the park, the vast majority of the park is desert.  It’s a parched landscape with cactus, agave, and prickly pear. It’s located at the northern end of the Chihuahuan Desert, which is mostly located in Mexico. It only gets about 5 inches of rain a year.  So much like Death Valley, it’s very arid and water is a must on even the smallest adventures in the park.

It’s mountainous.  Big Bend is the only National Park that contains an entire mountain range within its borders.  The Chisos Mountains were formed by volcanoes 32-38 million years ago which is really evident when you see formations like the Mule Ears which jute out above a mountain top.  The largest peak is Emory Peak at 7,832 feet and there are three more peaks above 7,000 feet. Only 2% of the park is woodland and all of that woodland is in the mountains. With highs coming in at 106 degrees, I didn’t manage to take any mountain hikes but when I took the Ross Maxwell Scenic drive, it felt like there were five or more different mountain ranges. Around each bend of the drive there was another vista with imposing mountains.

It’s a river. I was able to get out early to hike the Santa Elena Canyon trail which is right along the Rio Grande in an imposing canyon.  Although the imposing part of the canyon is on the Mexican side of the river, its cliffs are upwards of 1,500 feet tall which is higher than the Empire State Building. I was disappointed that most of the river was nothing but mud flats at that section of the Rio Grande but even still, the views along the hike were terrific. 

There are animals.  I ended up spotting several Road Runners in my hikes and travels around the park.  They almost felt domesticated, but when you see one zip off on foot, it’s apparent that it’s a Road Runner. My dear friend, Janine, gave me this insight on Road Runners:


Roadrunners symbolize good luck, magic, courage, strength, speed, and
endurance. They are also considered medicine birds by the Hopi and other
Pueblo tribes, who believe they can ward off evil spirits. The X-shaped footprints of
roadrunners are sacred symbols to Pueblo tribes because they are thought to confuse
evil spirits by hiding the bird’s direction of travel.

I felt really blessed to have seen several on my visit to Big Bend.I also ran into a Coyote walking down a road in the early morning.  I spotted several Jack Rabbits bolting across the road. Perhaps it’s because the park is so empty in the summer months but I was surprised to see such elusive animals.

There is Mexico.  I knew that it was possible to go to Mexico and the tiny village of Boquillas Del Carmen.  There is a port of entry and immigration about a half mile from the Rio Grande on the edge of the park. There are two things you need to know; you must have a current passport and plenty of small bills in US currency.  The boat ride…er….row boat ride that is guided by a guy in the water and takes about 2 minutes is the beginning.  From there you can pay a guide to walk you to the village, drive you to the village, take a donkey or a horse to the village.  I elected a burro named Maria and my guide was Raul.  He led Maria and me into the tiny village, to the Mexican immigration trailer for a wrist band and then I had a breakfast of cheese enchiladas. It was amazing as I sat outside on a plastic chair in 95-degree temperatures taking in this sleepy town of 250 residents who completely depend on the tourist trade from the National Park. Raul relayed that everything came to a stop for 12 years after 9/11 and for 18 months during COVID. Once I was back across the Rio Grande it was just about 10 minutes to repatriate to the United States. 

There is so much to experience in this park and although I was glad it wasn’t crowded because of the extreme heat, I can image that I could have explored a lot more if it was cooler.  It’s just so dangerously hot, even in May, that I would love to go back in the winter. And I just might.

🫰🏻How to Conquer Email

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Since leaving my full-time job over three years ago, my use of email has dropped significantly.  As a professional coach, I think it is the biggest pain most of my clients are grappling with along with Slack or Team messaging. I recently read, A World without Email by Cal Newport and it’s a sobering eye-opening read.  As Newport wrote, “The modern knowledge worker is almost never more than a few minutes away from sending or receiving some sort of electronic communication. To say we check email too often is an understatement; the reality is that we’re using these tools constantly.” I find this was especially true in support roles like finance, human resources and IT.  To be responsive, we feel like we always have to be “on” and “on” is checking and responding to emails.

The amount of time spent on emails is staggering considering we didn’t even have this technology forty years ago.  As Abigail Hess wrote for Make It, “During the workday, respondents reported spending an average of 209 minutes checking their work email and 143 minutes checking their personal email, for a total of 352 minutes (about five hours and 52 minutes) each day.”  This was written in 2019, before the pandemic, when theoretically we might run into someone at the water cooler and be able to accomplish communication in a more satisfying, higher quality manner.  Way too much of our attention is captured by our inboxes.  

My 6 tips for conquering email:

Notifications.  Turn off any and all notifications.  When we hear a ping or see a visual notification that we have an email, our brain wants to go check.  After all, you may have hit the lottery or received some other windfall.  The likelihood of this is like .0001% but our brains want that hit of dopamine to see if maybe, just maybe there is an extra million or so dollars on the way.  I think of it as running out to your physical mailbox every 2 minutes.  I had to look on YouTube to figure out how to turn off notifications but it makes for an easier time to do deep high quality work.  Turn off notifications.

Phone or video chat.  Many of us are in a situation where we are not collocated with coworkers any more.  Email is devoid of all voice inflection and body language. In fact, people automatically view an email or text in a negative light due to our negativity bias. It is a poor and inefficient substitute for a conversation. If in-person communication isn’t possible, use the phone or video chat.  As Newport wrote, “Prioritization of abstract written communication over in-person communication disregarded the immensely complex and finely tuned social circuits that our species evolved to optimize our ability to work cooperatively. By embracing email, we inadvertently crippled the systems that make us so good at working together.” We are wired to talk and connect with others both visually and vocally.  Prioritize voice and visual connection.

Keep emails short.  I read recently that we should keep them to five sentences or less. I cannot tell you how many times my eyes would roll when I saw a multi-paragraph email and I would put off reading it for hours and sometimes days.  If it’s reference information, make it an attachment.  As Newport espoused, “Always keeping emails short is a simple rule, but the effects can be profound. Once you no longer think of email as a general-purpose tool for talking about anything at any time, its stranglehold on your attention will diminish.” Keep emails brief and to the point.

Subject lines.  Utilize subject lines so that at a glance, the receiver knows what it’s about and what, if any action, they need to take.  As Peter Diamandis wrote, “The subject needs to be unique and compelling—just like a headline on a news article, the subject should capture my attention, pique my interest, and make me want to open your email. The subject line should be meaningful: I should know what you want, based on the subject.” It might be:  Launch date for Widget Project – please confirm by this afternoon.  I remember sending emails to a coworker for proofing and putting the topic for the email and “please proof” at the end of the subject line.  Be discerning with your subject line.

Block time and set expectations. There are two ways to eliminate five plus hours on emailing.  One is to set times that you read and respond to emails like at 8 AM, 11 AM and 4 PM or setting up blocks for deep work like 10 to 11:30 and 2 to 3:30.  Either way, I’d suggest when you start this, please let those you work closely with know that you plan on spending chunks of the day not responding to email.  Have them pick up the phone if it’s urgent.  For time blocks to work, set expectations with those around you.

Don’t be a part of the problem.  Send less emails.  It’s wired into us that we must be cordial and respond quickly.  This goes back to being a part of a group of hunter gatherers.  Those that got along with the group were not shunned from the group.  We want to belong so we answer quickly.  We are wired to be responsive so that we can be connected to the group.  But email is not a conversation.  Try to connect in person, virtually or by phone.  Limit the emails you send out.

Newport refers to the state of our brains as the hyperactive hive mind.  We end up in a constant state of task and context switching which is stressful and not very gratifying.  Time to think and do deep quality work is what most of us are missing. Email is one of the causes of our distracted minds.  How do you conquer emails?

😇 Got Patience?

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Patience is the ability to reframe one’s reality into something that is more acceptable.  So, if there is suddenly a delay on the highway on the way to the airport, you can reframe it in a way that doesn’t cause you anger and frustration.  Perhaps there is another flight if you miss this one or maybe I get to spend one more day in paradise or in my cozy home. Jane Bolton wrote in article for Psychology Today that “impatience was a happiness killer.” That got my attention.  My habitual slide into impatience was killing my happiness.  Perhaps it was time to address my foot tapping anxiety, my constant clock watching or interrupting others to “get to the point” and embrace the space for just this moment.  

Here are 6 tips on developing patience:

  1. Determine what type of impatience you are suffering from.  Sarah Schnitker breaks it down into three types: Interpersonal patience (our ability to be patient with others like children and co-workers), patience in life hardships (when we deal with a significant setback like a hurricane or loss of a spouse or job), and patience for daily hassles (the irritation of daily hassles like wifi outages and traffic issues).  I tend to have an easier time with being patient interpersonally but can completely lose my cool when my Wi-Fi slows down or other daily hassles.  I can struggle with wanting to push a rope like when my returning to my house after Hurricane Matthew was dependent on one lowly cabinet that was back ordered.  Without the cabinet, can’t have a counter top, therefore, can’t have a sink, therefore can’t put in the flooring.  Ugh. It’s good to know that I’m strong in some areas so maybe I can build in other areas.
  2. Be an active listener. It’s pretty hard to fake being a good listener.  I knew an executive that was pretty good at faking listening but regardless of what story I was telling, they would respond with a completely unrelated statement.  Although they were great at maintaining eye contact and leaning in, their lack of understanding with a reframe of what I said, asking a relevant question or giving additional information made it clear they weren’t listening. Failing to be an active listener creates disconnection. I try not to check out but look for ways to create understanding by reframing and asking clarifying questions.
  3. Pay attention when the irritation starts.  I recently completed a long drive from Jekyll Island Georgia to Durham NC.  Every time I would see brake lights a quarter mile ahead headed north bound on 95, I could feel the stress take over.  I personally have been stuck in a 4 hour delay on 95 before and just the whisper that it could happen again can cause me angst. There was an oversize load that several semis needed to pass.  I remember thinking, “Well, let this just pass.”  I actually got in the slow lane to let all my impatient road buddies pass.  We were going 50 miles an hour after all, it’s not like I was walking home.  But knowing that I was starting to get frustrated help center me.
  4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. As written on the Goodwill Blog, “Waiting around for something you really want or need doesn’t’t feel good. For many of us, waiting can be downright uncomfortable. And this discomfort often results in feeling impatient. How do you fix this? You can increase your tolerance for uncomfortable waiting periods by making yourself wait more often. That might sound counterintuitive, but, if you think about it, you can really become a more patient person.”  I remember reading this many years ago and the example was to get in the longest checkout line at the grocery store or (God forbid) DMV. 
  5. Stop Multitasking. As much as I like to think that I am robustly juggling several things flawlessly, I am, in fact, just skimming from one task to another to another and spreading myself too thin.  As written by Goodwill, “Multitasking can also force us to move too quickly from one task to another. We might then expect others to move quickly with us. Forcing others around us to rush is a form of interpersonal impatience, and it can put a bad taste in others’ mouths about you.” The opposite of this is uni-tasking.  Focus on what is in front of you right now and put away everything else as a distraction. 
  6. Be here now.  When I was in that “almost stuck on 95 north” moment. I remember pulling into the right lane and thinking, these other folks like these truckers have some place they have to be.  I only have to be here alive, safe and with plenty of gas.  I’ll let everyone else be on their way and, eventually, I’ll be able to pass when it’s the right time for me. I always love Rick Hanson’s question, “Are you alright right now?’ Yes, yes I am. And now. And now.  And now. When I am Ok with the current moment, I don’t need to get impatient for the next moment.

I always admired my late father for what I saw as his infinite patience. A 35-year veteran of teaching 8th grade history and a doting grandfather to 4 grandchildren.  He was, as I reflect back, always just in the moment.  I imagine channeling him when I have felt impatience rear its ugly head.  “What would Daddy do? “How do you find patience? 

😃Reset Your Happiness Set Point

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I wrote a post a few years ago about perfectionism. In the post, I brought up Hedonic Adaptation which involves a happiness “set point”, whereby humans generally maintain a constant level of happiness throughout their lives, despite events that occur in their environment. So whether it’s buying a new Mercedes or crashing your new Mercedes, your level of happiness resets to the same pre-event level. A reader asked that I expound on how I have tried to reset my happiness set point.

So I’ve tried to reset my “set point” and it turns out there is some science behind it. I think I first became aware of this by reading “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. In the book, she chronicles twelve months of changing her approach and raising her happiness set point. By the end of the year she felt like she had a sustained increase in her happiness. In another article called “Making Happiness Last” by Katherine Jacobs Bao and Sonja Lyubomirsky, they posit it is possible to reverse the effects of the hedonic adaptation. So here is some advice:

  •      Gratitude. Start a gratitude journal. All the authors recommended this and studies have shown that this has a positive effect. I have had a gratitude journal for over 15 years. I have varied it from writing actual paragraphs, to four bullets to my current style which is just to list events and names that had a positive impact on me or I had a positive impact on them. I don’t have a limited number but generally it’s somewhere between 4 and 12. I’m not a big fan of rules, so I just go with what works for me. Count your blessings.
  •      Kindness. Perform random acts of kindness. Apparently it matters if the acts of kindness are varied. It makes sense. If I always buy my team a dozen donuts every Friday, after a while, it has diminishing returns. So you need to shake it up. Buy a stranger a cup of coffee, offer to help the mother with the toddler and infant at the airport, compliment the cashier on her earrings, volunteer at the local triathlon, or bring the mail to your elderly neighbor. I have done all of these. If it becomes rote, it’s not the same impact. Spread kindness.
  •      Intrinsic. The things you do for intrinsic reasons have a much greater impact than those for extrinsic reasons. So I write this blog to inspire others. It brings me joy. If I was writing this blog just to make money, it would not bring me joy. It would be drudgery. Find things that line up with your soul. Paint, sing, play the banjo, run a half marathon, write, cook, bake, raise chickens. Find something that feeds your soul and do it.
  •      Friend. If you can find some way to make your activities social, it will add to your happiness. I have to say that when I walk with my friends instead of walking alone, I feel much better. Cooking with my son is more fun than cooking solo. Finding or making a friend while volunteering at a triathlon will multiply the results and the impact is tremendous. All these measures stave off the hedonic adaptation and keep your set point higher.
  •      Perspective. It’s important to remember where you started. Gretchen Rubin had a checklist where she kept track of what she did and didn’t do every day. I tried this but I just couldn’t work it into my routine. But I do remember where I started. Thirteen years ago when I started this blog, I felt self-conscious, overwhelmed and resentful. Working on resetting my set point has made me happier and, I think, helped me live in the present. If you just look back a week, there may not be a big difference but when you look back to where you started, you will be able to see that your set point has changed and is much higher. So start now. Record or journal where you are today. A year from now, look back and see how far you have come.
  •      Self. It’s important that you are doing this for yourself. So don’t go pick up some paint and an easel because I or anyone else told you to. It won’t have the same effect. What is missing in your life? What’s not there right now that you want to have there? Only you can answer that. Maybe you want to raise goldfish or have always wanted to make homemade gnocchi or want to write a book or play the oboe. Whatever it is. Go do it. For you and you alone.
  •     Aware. You need to be aware of the strides you have made. I have the evidence of 628 blog posts (wow that’s a lot!). Studies have shown that if you can appreciate the changes you’ve made, you are keeping Hedonic adaptation at bay or keeping your set point higher. I know that in general, I have a more optimistic view of life. I know that stress and conflict roll off me more easily. I appreciate that my happiness set point is higher. Acknowledge the changes you have made.
  •     Help. Sometimes this is a great opportunity to get help. I think the biggest advantage a coach or therapist brings is the space to reflect and create insight. To see where you have come from and all that is possible. We get so caught up in striving that having someone give you the space to just stop and think is such a relief. You may be able to find this in a friend or partner but having an outside, unattached, viewpoint can be life changing.

Happiness can seem elusive if you have had a recent catastrophic event. But even these downward resets in happiness can be overcome with time. Hedonic adaptation eventually will buoy you up. The secret is to keep moving it up or at least maintaining at a new set point.

🙋🏼Student versus Employee

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I recently read Tara Mohr’s Playing Big.  Perhaps one of the biggest takeaways from the book, for me, was that most women excel at school but can get derailed easily when bringing “the good student” mentality when it comes to work. I look for clear parameters for what an A+ is and always work towards that goal. I rarely bother to let my boss know what I’ve accomplished, because, well, it will be obvious in the “grades”.  Unfortunately, there are no mileposts like grades in the work world and success can seem nebulous. There is no clear line between the A+ (i.e. perfect) and an A, as an employee. In fact, at school we know the expectations every day versus work where it’s a wide-open landscape and an annual assessment of meets or exceeds. 

Here is the difference between student and employee:

Adapting versus Challenging Authority.  As a student, I have to adapt to the authority figure, my teacher.  The locus of control is the teacher.  They let you know how to turn in papers, what an A+ looks like in terms of grades and weighting.  In college it was dictated but Strunk and White and the MLA Style Handbook.  God forbid your font be too large, not Times New Roman or your line spacing be wrong. As a student I adapt to the parameters of each authority figure. As an employee, I need to be able to challenge and influence the authority figures.  Is the status quo going to be enough to move this project forward?  There are many authority figures throughout the organization and they all have different views and perspectives.  There is also the end user and their perspective.  How do we influence and challenge them? In a business, everyone is an authority whether it be customer, boss, co-worker or direct report. If I focus on my student mentality in the workplace, I end up trying to adapt to the boss and wonder why I don’t rise any farther in the organization.

Preparation versus Improvisation. In school, I had a syllabus, a text book, a road map to follow to be prepared for each exam, paper and project.  Preparation was key for success. The map was clearly marked and rarely, if ever, was there a need for improvisation. In the work world, it is nothing but improvisation.  Customer service is improvisation, problem solving, a dance of influence, appeasement and adjustment. Sure, there are procedures, guidelines and rules at work but the majority of the day is gliding through distraction, focus and competing demands. I remember when I initially learned how to facilitate a training.  I went into a training with a script and note cards fully prepared to give the content.  It was stiff and unforgiving.  I learned overtime that improvisation and adapting to the audience is much more important than preparation. I try to embrace improvisation instead of over preparing.

Outside In versus Inside Out. As written by Mohr, “The dominant activity in school is absorbing information from the outside – whether from a book, a teacher’s lecture, or the Internet – and then internalizing it.  The message is that the value we have to contribute on a topic comes from the information absorbed from an external source.”  This is Outside In thinking; depending on getting the information from outside our own mind.  But what we need is the opposite, which is “accessing what we already know, trusting its value and bringing it forth.” It’s not what information we know as much as our strengths like our charisma, emotional intelligence, problem solving and leadership that can be more critical to achieving success. This is the inside out thinking or relying on our strengths to be able to think on our feet or synthesize information from disparate sources and relying on our strengths to propel ourselves forward. 

Heads Down Work versus Being Visible. This is similar to habit 1 and habit 2 from the book by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith called How Women Rise.  Habit 1 is Reluctance to claim your achievements and Habit 2 is Expecting others to spontaneously notice and reward your contributions. I believe that women like myself learned this in school.  I’ll get a grade at the end of the marking period that will show my work… my worth.  I don’t need to tell the teacher because it’s there in the grade book.  I don’t need to say I’m an A+, or B- student, or be self-promoting, because it’s there for me and the teacher to see.  I can keep my head down and work with no need to claim my accomplishments.  Once I got into the work world, there was no grade book, no marking period, no end of the semester. As Mohr posits, “Women often slowly realize their good work isn’t leading to promotions or raises because it isn’t sufficiently visible, on an ongoing basis, to those scouting talent within the organization or making decisions about career advancement.” I need to always look for ways to be visible which is uncomfortable but necessary in order to rise in my career.

It’s uncomfortable to leave the good student habits behind. There is control in having clear expectations and parameters to success.  The work world takes being agile, influential, self-reliant and the ability to shine a light on your good work. What student habits do you struggle with?

🫰🏻6 Effortless Tips

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I can make things a lot harder than they need to be.  In fact, as Greg McKeown writes in his book, Effortless, “Challenge the assumption that the “right” way is, inevitably, the harder one.” I remember seeing Diana Kander last year at a coaching conference and her saying that we have an additive bias.  So instead of what do I need to add to my list, what should I stop doing?  This came up for me recently in my morning routine. I have been doing a brain teaser app for almost ten years.  The majority of the games are no fun for me anymore, I’ve long ago plateaued at a certain level and it’s become an annoyance.  So, I stopped doing it. McKeown sheds light on the things I rarely question because it’s a habit or it’s expected or I’m in an out-of-date paradigm. 

Here are 6 tips towards effortlessness:

Find easy. McKeown recommends asking yourself, “What if this could be easy?” McKeown calls this Effortless Inversion. He shares an experience when he over prepared for a presentation on leadership, and because he over prepared, he bombed. I facilitate trainings frequently and I know if I have cue cards or too strict an agenda, it’s never as good as when I am in the moment and adapt and adjust to the audience.  Something is taking too long but the group is in a zone?  Cut the content piece that will take 15 minutes.  I’ve learned in over 30 years of facilitation; the easiest course is the best instead of trying to cram everything I ever knew on the subject into the heads of the participants. Look for the easy path.

Presence. It’s so easy to get caught up in a work messaging channel, your social media feed or your news feed. I think of how a crawler on the bottom of a screen just creates a sense of doom.  I feel like I have to read so I don’t miss out but 99% of the time it’s not critical. When my mind is distracted, everything seems harder.  I can’t seem to catch a break and be in the present moment. McKeown suggests clearing the clutter (in this case visual clutter).  Get rid of the irrelevant so you can make space for what matters. When I get caught up in overwhelm, I head outside for a 10-minute walk to flush out the clutter. Being present makes things more effortless.

Add joy. “It’s no secret that many essential activities that are not particularly joyful in the moment produce moments of joy later on,” writes McKeown. “But essential activities don’t have to be enjoyed only in retrospect. We can also experience joy in the activity itself.” I have learned to enjoy doing the dishes.  I also try to add joy by either playing dance music while I put the laundry away or listen to books or podcasts while commuting or on long drives. I look forward to long drives because I know I’ll probably finish a book I’m reading and get to start a new one. I light a candle when I meditate although while I find it essential, I don’t find it to be arduous. It helps me look forward to it though. Figure out ways to add joy.

Just start. When I finished reading 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman, my biggest takeaway was doing what he calls “serializing” which is putting aside 30, 60 or 90 minutes a day across the work week to do focus work.  You don’t have to label it with a specific task, you just need to get started on whatever has risen to the top of your to do list that requires focus.  The main thing is to just start. Because most focus work takes more than 30 minutes to do, you start but don’t finish.  We procrastinate because, if we don’t have time to finish, we don’t start.  If you let go of the idea that you have to finish, it’s much easier to get started. McKeown writes, “Instead of procrastinating, wasting enormous amounts of time and effort planning for a million possible scenarios, we can opt for taking the minimum viable first action: the action that will allow us to gain the maximum learning from the least amount of effort.” Take the minimum viable first step.

Fail cheaply. Practically everything I write is what Anne Lamont calls a $hitty first draft. I don’t bother perfecting outside of obvious typos if I glance back at the last sentence. My long-suffering editor Susan can attest to this.  The main thing to me is to get started and get the words and ideas on paper. I don’t get wrapped up in perfection. I’ve seen many of my clients get stuck in perfection. In James Clear’s Atomic Habits, there was a classroom of photographers who were divided into two groups, the quantity group (take as many photos as you can) and the quality group (focus on each photo being perfect).  At the end of the semester the quantity group had the best photos. Fail cheaply and often.

Set limits. This is all about setting a pace.  A pace that can be maintained.  I think of my calendar, I don’t want to work past 4 PM.  It’s a rare week when I do.  I also don’t work Friday afternoons.  I never write more than one blog post a week.  As McKeown wrote, an effortless pace: slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Reject the false economy of “powering through.” Create the right range: I will never do less than X, never more than Y. Recognize that not all progress is created equal. Keep a range and pace that works on a consistent basis.

Simple and effortless is easier than hard and complex.  It’s about keeping boundaries, letting others know what they are and keeping yourself accountable. Which will you try first?

🏖️The Mysterious Driftwood Beach

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I visited Jekyll Island, Georgia this past February and found it to be a mysterious and inspiring place along the Golden Isles of the Georgia barrier islands.  It has quite the history and an incredible Driftwood Beach which should be on everyone’s bucket list.  I was on my maiden voyage with my RV, Abeona, and we were on our way home from Florida. We camped for a week at the campground on the northern end of the island. 

Sunrise at Driftwood Beach, Jekyll Island, Georgia

I didn’t have a tow vehicle or a bike with me on the trip, so being within walking distance of the beach was a high priority (I didn’t want to pack up everything to go see the sunrise). The Jekyll Island Campground is the only campground on the island and I had no idea that it was just a mile from Driftwood Beach when I booked the campsite.  Imagine my surprise when I found that the beach was an easy walk each morning to photograph the sunrise. Serendipity. 

After arriving at my campsite, I decided to venture out to the beach during the daylight so that there wouldn’t be any surprises when I walked to the beach in the morning for sunrise. Arriving at around 4 PM on a Saturday afternoon after the mile walk to Driftwood Beach, I was astonished by how many cars were there and therefore, people on the beach.  This is not an umbrella and beach towel type of beach.  This is a photographer’s (re Instagram) Mecca. It also happened to be high tide. 

Driftwood Beach is a maritime forest that has been slowly overtaken by the sea.  There are hundreds of trees standing, fallen, eroded and sometime petrified, covered in barnacles on the beach. They are all driftwood, just most are full size trees as driftwood. Some stand as sentinels at attention with no branches, others are on their sides with their root structure solidified in an intricate web. Some look like they are trees on stilts with roots that grew long and straight in order to stay above the salt water.  It is mesmerizing to walk along the several hundred yards of what looks like a waste land of gray figures strewn haphazardly along the beach. 

The trees of Driftwood Beach stay on the beach because it’s very shallow for hundreds of yards off shore.  The waves are never high enough to pull them out.  In fact, when I first arrived, I thought I was in a bay because the water was so tranquil. Due to the shallowness, the trees over the last century have stayed where they have fallen. 

Jekyll island is a state owned and maintained island.  This means there aren’t any big resorts or towers along the beach. There were plenty of photographers each sunrise.  This was quite the contrast from when I recently stayed at a North Carolina barrier island of Ocracoke, where I was the sole person on the beach at sunrise.  Each morning at Driftwood Beach there was a minimum of twenty photographers each time I went out. Most with chairs and tripods, patiently waiting for that perfect shot as the sun slipped above the horizon. 

The real key to sunrise on Driftwood Beach is to know where the tide is and whether or not there will be clouds.  Some clouds are magical; when it’s fogged in, not so much.  If the water was high enough there were pools around some of the fallen trees making for a terrific reflection or you could capture the sun “caught” amongst the branches of the trees.  I had a ton of fun wandering up and down the beach looking for the magical combination of sun, tree, waves and cloud.  

It all seems so mysterious.  Like you are walking amongst fallen statues after some catastrophe. Like some civilization left these corpses behind.  The shape, the beauty and the serendipity of light, water and wood was amazing.