Author: Cathy Noice

Executive Coach, Author, Speaker and Facilitator. Achieve. Grow. Do. As a coach, I use a structured, self-directed approach that challenges clients to achieve sustainable results towards inspired self created goals. Using brain based tools and coaching, my clients achieve breakthroughs and, as one client put it, "the junk gets cleared out". I specialize in newly promoted or transferred leaders. My coaching specialties include: * Executive Coaching * Leadership Coaching * Career Strategy As an author, I put my extensive management, teaching, training and human resource background into making sense in the workplace.

🦋5 Tips on Enjoying Butterflies🦋

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I have never been a “bug” person.  Mosquitos, flies, cockroaches, wasps, ants and moths have previously been my enemy.  Cockroaches and wasps rank as mortal enemies. I remember going into a Butterfly House when my kids were in elementary school and being terrified of one of them landing on me.  My anxiety would peak the minute I entered the door and I would slink quietly to the exit with hopes that I wouldn’t have any encounters with some butterflies that seemed more like flying birds or bats. Perhaps it was the unpredictable nature of the flight of a butterfly or that my children didn’t seem anxious at all. I didn’t want to fall short as a parent, but I can tell you I didn’t spend much more than 5 minutes enjoying the confines of a butterfly house.

2 Paper Kite Butterflies enjoying lunch at Magic Wings Butterfly House

Fast forward 20 years.  I’m much less anxious.  I don’t know what to peg it on besides being older but I do think that being sober, daily meditation and not relying on as much caffeine during the day has had a mellowing effect on my reactions to all things bug related. When I toured Scotland, England and Ireland in early 2023, I was surprised by how many towns and gardens had butterfly houses.  These houses are always warm and humid and, during the rainy spring that is March and April in Great Britain, a butterfly house is an excellent respite. Perhaps it was because I was traveling alone and didn’t have someone expecting me to flinch or panic when a wayward butterfly came dancing by, but I really began to seek them out and enjoy the experience.  In November of 2023, I decided to volunteer at the NC Museum of Life and Science’s Magic Wings Butterfly House. So instead of avoiding bugs, I’ve learned enjoy them.

My 5 tips on enjoying butterflies:

Butterflies don’t bite.  Perhaps someone needed to tell me this some 40 years ago.  As I now watch nervous 5-, 8-, 16-, or 50-year-olds look at a butterfly crawling on the arm of myself or an employee at the museum, and retract their hand in horror at the potential of the butterfly crawling on them, I will frequently point out that they don’t bite and that it tickles when the butterfly crawls on you.  That’s what’s at the heart of the matter, could this thing do me harm.  It can’t.  It’s just looking for nectar or water or help if their wing has some damage. Relax, butterflies don’t bite.

Red or Pink attracts butterflies.  I saw 4-year-old on my shift yesterday that had several butterflies landing on her in her big pink puffy jacket.  She was a beacon for butterflies.  It’s funny how something as innocuous as what color your jacket or shirt is can attract some random butterfly.  You look like a delicious tropical flower, so therefore, you look more hospitable than the guy in the gray jacket.  If you want to attract butterflies, wear something red or pink.

Just sit and relax.  Magic Wings has several benches in the largest butterfly house east of the Mississippi. The other secret at this butterfly house is that there is an air vent next to each of the benches so that while it is always 80 degrees and 80% humidity, there are spots inside the house where it’s a bit more pleasant.  Also, when you sit down you can watch the show just fly by.  There can be upwards of 1000 butterflies at any given time cruising around the butterfly house so instead of chasing a butterfly, just sit back and watch them in their natural habitat.  Don’t chase, let them come to you.

Check out the chrysalis’s room. Every butterfly house I saw in Europe had a chrysalis room or cabinet that contains chrysalises (cocoons if it’s a moth). These chrysalises come from most likely tropical countries but at Magic Wings we get a shipment of 500 each week from either Costa Rica, Ecuador, Malaysia and the Philippines.  These chrysalis are then hot glued to string in the cabinet or room and within a week they start to emerge.  It’s pretty miraculous to watch a chrysalis open and watch the butterfly’s wings expand and harden into shape (although some don’t harden correctly). Here is this magical experience that happens throughout the day as another butterfly opens its wings and takes flight for the first time. Be sure to check out the chrysalis’s room.

Be patient. At Magic Wings, there are many kids that are “regulars” and they are experts at getting a butterfly to walk on their hands.  I really admire how some kids can be so patient and brave to get upwards of 10 different butterflies to land or crawl onto them in about 30 minutes.  There was a 10-year-old girl yesterday that kept showing me each one she was able to coax onto her hand. The secret is to find a butterfly walking on a leaf and to put out your hand in the butterfly’s path so that it walks onto your hand.  I had a father ask me yesterday how to get them to land on you.  It’s about going to where the butterfly is and giving them a hand.  Putting your hand out and expecting a butterfly to land is much more unlikely.  I also told him to wear red next time. 

Butterflies live for about 2 weeks.  The last days for most butterflies include damaged wings, some of which can’t even fly anymore (and are more apt to walk onto your hand).  In volunteering at the butterfly house, I learned to appreciate the variety and beauty of these ephemeral insects that rise when the sun does, love sweet things and trust us to keep them safe. The main duty of a volunteer is to make sure no hitchhikers find their way out of the house and I feel like a hero when I’m able, with butterfly net in hand, to rescue these works of art to enjoy a few more hours or days in the safely and warmth of the butterfly house.

😃 5 Tricks to Reset Stress

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I coach around 30 to 40 professionals across many industries. They range from technology, manufacturing, finance and government.  I’ve noticed a real uptick in the amount of folks suffering from stress and overwhelm.  I believe it’s partially due to so many businesses are short staffed and many are still trying to negotiate the boundary between home and work; and post pandemic, what’s safe and not safe.  There is an underlying stress for many folks that a crowd of people still equals danger.  Their body is sending stress signals that other humans are germ carrying vessels and to go wash your hands again.  It’s hard to rewire our brains into relaxing and resetting into calm.  Several of my high performing clients are petrified to return to the office whether the fear is unfounded or not.  It’s difficult to recapture calm once the cortisol is released in your body but there are some tricks that can be helpful.

Here are 5 tricks to reset to calm:

Take 20 Minutes.  When you perceive a threat whether real or imagined (I can’t tell you how many times I thought a root was a snake on a hiking trail), your breathing is shallow, your heart rate goes up, adrenaline and cortisol are released. As Donna Marino wrote for Fast Company, “Psychologists call this process the “fight, flight, or freeze response,” referring to the body’s instinctual reaction to this event. Once this process is triggered, it can take up to 20 minutes for the parasympathetic system to intervene and return you to a state of calm.” So, let’s say you were just embarrassed on a conference call or the offer on your house fell through or you are angry at your partner.  Take a 20-minute break.  Once you are triggered it’s very difficult to speak and think coherently.  If there is any way to take a break to later in the day or, better yet the next day, get some space and time to reset.

Best, Worst, Most Likely.  Perhaps you are nervous to confront your direct report on a poor-quality project or to present to the executive team or to get through this really challenging class.  Think through or write down or chat with a close friend or coach. 

Ask yourself the following three questions:  

  • What is the best outcome?  My employee turns around and gets promoted, I am flawless on the presentation and they tap me for a promotion I get an A+ in the course.  
  • What is the worst outcome? My employee quits and goes on Glass Door to trash me, the executive team hate the presentation and I’m demoted, and I flunk the course and have to take it over. I saw a fun example of this on “This Is Us” as a married couple tries to compete for worst case scenario usually involving a parenting decision.  
  • What is the most likely outcome?  My employee makes improvements and we have a better working relationship, my presentation goes well with only a few hiccups, and I get a B in the class which slightly drops my GPA.  

This helps keep me from dwelling on what could go wrong to imaging the best; realistically facing the worst and then relaxing into what is most likely.

Reframing. The words that I use to describe a situation can influence the way my body perceives it. If I say, “I’m nervous about this new client as opposed to I’m excited about this new client.”  My brain is deciding I’m on high alert in the first part and curious in the second part.  For many weeks leading up to a cross country trip last year I referred to putting my beloved dog Baci into prison for 4 weeks.  Imagine how that made me feel.  When I told a colleague about it he said, “That boarding place?  That’s a resort”.  When I reframed it into a resort, I was less stressed out and more excited (not nervous) to drop Baci off. My good friend Mark sold his family home and while it was daunting, he changed his language to be “I’m excited to clear the garage or cull through my parent’s books.”  The language we use in our head and how we frame it is very important to resetting our mind. 

Role play. It’s extremely helpful to role play or practice a difficult discussion or presentation.  I can play in my mind what I want to say but saying it out loud either by myself to a mirror or to a trusted colleague or to a coach can be super helpful in dampening down one’s nerves.  It’s helpful to work the kinks out.  I do this a lot with my clients and I can give helpful feedback like, “You said “um” six times and you rambled a bit in the last sentence Is there a way to tighten it up?” I personally like to have bullets if I’m going to speak to a crowd or facilitate to a group but you may want flash cards or talking points.  Figure out what makes you most comfortable and practice it to reset to calm. 

Comfortable.  If I know I’m going into something that might make me anxious like a performance discussion with an employee or speaking to a new group or taking an exam, I try to make sure I am as comfortable as possible while matching the situation (I’m not wearing pajamas to a speaking engagement).  As Francis Kuehnle wrote for Healthline, “Aromatherapy is thought to help activate certain receptors in your brain, potentially easing anxiety.” Wear a scent that makes you feel good.  If a shirt or blouse has a tag that rubs against your skin or you are constantly tugging on a top, wear something that makes you feel confident and comfortable. Being comfortable will help you reset into calm. 

These are more short-term ways to deal with stress and anxiety.  There are many regimes that can help with your ability to cope like yoga, meditation, walking outside, better sleep and reducing alcohol and caffeine. I’ve made many lifestyle changes over the last ten years and I have to say I’m much less anxious and tend to roll with the punches more easily.  My suggestion is to try out one of these and see if it has an impact.  How do you reduce stress?

😎4 Ways to Act “As If”

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To act As If is to invite or attract what you want into your life. It is a basic tenant of the Law of Attraction. As I headed home from New Bern, North Carolina driving in the rain, I initially became tense behind the wheel and was afraid I was going to hydroplane. I decided that I needed to act as if I would arrive safely at home and to let go of the tension. I imagined that the rain would slow, and I focused on the book I was listening to. The rain didn’t stop immediately, the car didn’t drive itself but once I relaxed into the feeling that I was a safe driver and could handle this, the rain subsided, the car handled beautifully, and I was home. I think that the initial stress and tension had me caught up in fear. When I relaxed and acted as if I was almost home and that the driving was easy, I eased into my goal of arriving safely at home.

It’s not just about positive thoughts. It’s also about positive action. I needed to slow down my car regardless of the truck bearing down behind me. I remember consciously relaxing my hands on the wheel from a vice grip to gentle navigation. I envisioned driving down my driveway safely at home. Most of the work is between the ears, but some of it can be body posture and a smile on your face. All of it is an inside game.

Four ways to act As If:

Actor

Imagine that you are Daniel Day-Lewis or Christian Bale preparing for a role. Acting as if requires acting; getting into the role. If you are a successful millionaire, how do you act? If you are a Vice President instead of a director, how do you act? If you are Daniel Day-Lewis performing as Abraham Lincoln, you keep your American accent all day and sign your text “Yours, A.” If you are a drug addict like Christian Bale in The Fighter, you lose 50 pounds and run for 4 hours a day. I have to say when I saw that movie, I remembered thinking, where did they find drug addict to play this part? I had no idea it was Bale. Method actors are famous for taking on the role off-set. They live and breathe it. If you are going to be that millionaire or own that seaside house, you’re going to need to act the part.

As Leeor Alexandra writes for Living Lovelee, “Act accordingly. If you would like to be rich, act rich by spending happily and generously. This is something you might have to practice, especially if you are short on cash. So many of us dread spending even a dollar, and we pay for things reluctantly and with regret. That is the quickest way to become even poorer.” I pay bills the minute they show up and do it with a smile. And, remarkably, money keeps showing up. Act the part and it will be so.

Feel

Take a look at past history and conjure up the feelings and emotions you are looking for. If it’s a new relationship, think back to the first months with your first love and how you felt. The joy, the smile, the giddiness, the wonder of the world. This will attract the same. As written on the Wisdom Post, “If driving a new car makes you feel like a ‘success’, find out an example that you have felt this same feeling before. Take note and be conscious every time when you feel this feeling of ‘success’ every day. Focus on how this feeling has already been attracted to you and continued to come to you on a daily basis. The key is to feel your root emotion in order to feel as if you already have it. As you project more of this emotion, your desire will draw closer to you.”

I have focused on a feeling of being carefree and full of abundance. I am careful not to get caught up in other’s sense of lacking. I don’t hold resentment if I pick up the check or need to help my son with a plane ticket. I feel into the abundance and sense of generosity. I’m not saying I never backslide; I am a work in progress. I regroup and see that I am infinite and can handle anything coming my way. Feel into it.

Speak

Your words are what you manifest. If you say to yourself you are fat, you will be fat. If you say to yourself that you are slim and healthy, you will be slim and healthy. Speak it so it will be so. I lived a long time from a sense of lack. I would tell my kids that we didn’t have enough money for new soccer cleats, a new clarinet or a Vera Bradley bag. I spoke the language of lack and therefore it was so. When I see a large bill now, I say to myself, “I always have money coming in.” It’s amazing how new clients and money are constantly showing up.

As Alexandra wrote, “Watch the way you speak about yourself and your life – if it doesn’t align with the reality you desire, you have to change it. And change it on the spot. Also, take notice of how you react to things people say as well as to every day occurrences. Make sure to only speak and react in the way that you would speak and react once you have manifested your desire. That is how to act as if you already have it.” Speak the language of what you want to attract.

Look

I think of that song, “You’ve got the look.” A few years ago, I planned on hiking a section of the Appalachian Trail with my then boyfriend, Roy. I had the trail runners, the convertible pants and the quick dry shirt. I wore it on the weekends when I walk in my neighborhood. I may have only been at 150 feet above sea level and not at 4,000 feet, but I looked the part. It helped me feel the part. If you want to be a yoga instructor, buy the yoga pants. If you want to be a Chief People Officer, wear the suit as if you were born into it. If you want that motorcycle, buy the leather jacket and helmet.

As Alexandra wrote, “If you look the way you want, you will raise your vibration and speed the creation process along even more. Look the part is the equivalent of: ‘Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.’ Find clothes that fit the life you’re creating and make you feel amazing.” I know when I lost a bunch of weight after getting sober, I eliminated anything in my closet that didn’t fit my new lifestyle. No more loose clothes or things that didn’t make me feel great. As Marie Kondo says, “Does it spark joy?” If it doesn’t spark joy or align with what I desire, it’s gone.

It all comes down to belief and aligning with what you truly want. I originally titled this “4 Easy Steps to Act As If,” but the truth of the matter is that it’s not easy. I have to keep coming back to it. It’s easy to slide back into a sense of lack. I must stay vigilant to stay the course, but over time, it’s all coming into alignment. What do you want to attract into your life?

😇Remembering Daddy-Ott

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Otto Wenke was born on the shortest day of the year, December 21, 1897 in Olean, New York. He was one of eleven siblings and his mother died when he was a small child. He was the first in his family to graduate from high school and went on to study business in Buffalo, NY. He served in the Navy. He met my grandmother, Mary Hammond, and eventually had a son, David, and daughter, Mary Ann (my mother). My grandfather, often referred to as Daddy-Ott, was an accountant for DuPont. DuPont was one of the first companies to occupy part of the Empire State Building after it opened in 1931. At one point in his career, he worked directly in New York, but eventually, my grandfather and his family landed in Wilmington, Delaware where DuPont was based. And that is where me, my brothers and my cousins all grew up together in close proximity to my grandparents.

My grandmother, Daddy -Mar and grandfather, Daddy-Ott on their wedding day

My grandmother Daddy-Mar (crazy name for a grandmother, my oldest cousin Claire is responsible) died in 1962, one year after I was born. I have no memory of her but I have a multitude of memories of my Daddy-Ott.

Here are some memories of him:

Wenkeville

Every Labor Day weekend, the Wenke reunion is held in Olean, New York. With 11 siblings, some of those siblings ended up having upward of nine kids, meaning a multitude of Wenkes who grew up in Olean. There is even an area of Olean called Wenkeville! The family reunions garner upwards of 300 folks every year who get together and sing German drinking songs, remember their ancestors, play games and eat. We went several times and I can remember them all calling my grandfather “Gros Uncle” as he was the only remaining sibling of the original eleven. He was revered. Everyone came to see him and would give their kind regards. I felt like he was a celebrity. He was always in his element at the Wenke Reunion. What I appreciate most is that he wrote a history of his family to chronicle the escapades of his sister, Clara (the rebel), his father’s truck garden that helped keep the family afloat, and mapped out the various Wenke cousins on the family tree. I was always proud of being Ott’s granddaughter especially in Wenkeville.

Traveler

My grandfather was a traveler. He took a trip to the West Coast with my grandmother in the late 1950’s and accounted for every penny of the trip. The whole trip came to $724 with notable entries for 533 gallons of gas for a total of $202, 20 motel room nights at $181 and meals and snacks at $182. I think of how incredibly brave this was to head out on an 8,800 mile trip across country without a cell phone or GPS. That is wanderlust. After he retired and my grandmother passed away, he would travel to Florida, Canada and the west coast on his own. He always memorialized the trip with photos and meticulously wrote in his block pencil handwriting each location and person in the photo. Between my dad and my grandfather, I can understand why I love to wander.

Gardner

I lived in the same home in Wilmington, Delaware from the age of two. We lived next to park land and we had an enormous rock garden behind the house. The entire garden was the hard work of my grandfather. I’m sure he was inspired by the local DuPont estate, Longwood Gardens and the Butchart Gardens from his travels to Victoria, B.C. I can remember as a child that my grandfather came over every Saturday, without fail, to work on that garden. Dogwood, azaleas, impatiens, pansies, lilies, hens and chicks, and a maple tree. He had them all blooming throughout the spring and summer with nary a weed to disrupt his work of art. I can remember his voice coming in the front door of the house, “Hello, anybody home?” and sitting down to a hot cup of coffee, taking a sip and saying “hot ta ta.” He was a man of habits and we were able to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

Babysitter

Fortunately for me, I am the youngest of his grandchildren. As I was growing up and my mother returned to work, my grandfather cared for me on many occasions. What I remember most is escaping from the house in his Maroon Skylark Buick and riding “down the valley”, which included Beaver Valley Road, its hills and the Brandywine River. I loved to go gliding down in this big air-conditioned car with my grandfather behind the wheel and the farmland streaming by, honeysuckles perfuming the air. Even into high school, my grandfather would pick me up after swim practice or take me to a doctor’s visit. I could depend on him no matter what.

Piano

My grandfather had a grand piano in his apartment. He played it beautifully. In fact, he played piano when he was a teenager at silent movie houses. I had little appreciation for his talent when I was a child. I can remember visiting his apartment and him setting out block puzzles for my brother, Rick and me to play with and him playing his piano. It’s not until I tried to play the piano in elementary school that I understood what tenacity and practice it took to play the piano the way my grandfather did.

Regimented

My Daddy-Ott was regimented. Perhaps it was his motherless German upbringing, or becoming a parent amidst the Depression, but my grandfather was uniquely suited to being an accountant. He wrote in his diary every day of his adult life. Each day was memorialized with the external temperature and his daily activities in a brief 7 to 10 sentence paragraph. I believe you could set your watch to my grandfather’s activities. He was a devout Phillies fan and listened to the radio to follow their progress. I can remember crying when they won the World Series in 1980 because I was happy that my Daddy-Ott was alive to witness it. My grandfather and I had two struggles that I recall. Once when I was about 5 and he was babysitting me around lunchtime. He insisted that I could only have plain milk and I threw a tantrum over wanting chocolate milk. I can’t remember who won but boy, I remember us both being stubborn over who should prevail. For a brief year, my grandfather lived with my family, while I was in high school. Every Saturday night he insisted on watching The Lawrence Welk Show. This was excruciating for me. I loved Pink Floyd and Yes, and there I was suffering, listening to Polkas and watching bubbles float above the Lennon Sisters. What I would give to spend an afternoon watching Lawrence Welk with my Daddy-Ott now — although I’d still insist on chocolate milk!

My Daddy-Ott was a fixture in my childhood growing up in Wilmington, Delaware. He was there for Sunday dinners, Mother’s Day at the DuPont Country Club and escaping down the valley in his Buick. How fortunate I was to have a grandparent close by and involved in my upbringing. We always ended our Sunday dinners by my grandfather asking if we were “sufficiently suffonsified”? I have no idea where this expression came from but it’s basically asking if you are sufficiently full. He lives in my heart now and in my memories. I love you, Daddy-Ott.

🫣5 Fixes for Imposter Syndrome

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There have been countless times in my life where I felt like an imposter. When I was in Junior High, I was first flute in the All-State Orchestra (granted Delaware is a very small state). I was initially proud of making first chair only to be overwhelmed by feeling like I would be caught. Found out. Attending the Hotel School at Cornell University where I was a work study student feeling completely inadequate with my fellow upper crust students whose pedigree far outranked my own. My first job out of college as a manager for a catering company in Manhattan. I was a 21-year-old woman working in a basement with 25 men, some twice my age, trying to manage a fast-paced catering business where the only rule was to “yes” to any customer request (i.e., lunch for 100 people in 45 minutes). Every day in that basement was complete anarchy with four phone lines of incoming orders and trying to supervise a largely immigrant crew. I felt like I would be unmasked every day.

As written by Chris Palmer for the American Psychological Association, “Up to 82% of people face feelings of impostor phenomenon, struggling with the sense they haven’t earned what they’ve achieved and are a fraud (Bravata, D. M., et al., Journal of General Internal Medicine, Vol. 35, No. 4, 2020). These feelings can contribute to increased anxiety and depression, less risk-taking in careers, and career burnout.” 82% of people are feeling the same way as me?  This doesn’t surprise me because I coach people every day who struggle with these same feelings. This manifests in my clients as countless work hours, fear of delegation and perfectionism. 

Here are 5 fixes for imposter syndrome:

  1. Shine a light.  It starts with acknowledging you are feeling inadequate, or you are harboring doubts. As Jack Kelly wrote for Forbes, “The first thing you should do is acknowledge these feelings when they arise. There’s no need to hide it from others or feel badly about harboring these thoughts. By confronting your self-defeating thoughts, it’s the start of taking proactive steps to change your mindset.” Turn on that light switch and make what is in the back of your brain into the light.  Acknowledging is the first step in addressing it.
  2. Acknowledge your accomplishments. It’s really easy to have amnesia about your accomplishments.  Did you grow up in a single parent home and manage to graduate from high school? Are you able to speak two languages? Have you been able to raise a child to adulthood? Did you thwart a deadly illness? Have you finished a 5k? Did you finally earn that certification you always wanted? I remember finally crossing the mile high bridge on Grandfather Mountain.  I was terrified, but I did it. Write down your accomplishments and take stock.
  3. Watch your self-talk. I find the easiest way to reframe self-talk is to use the third person.  So instead of saying “I’m an idiot”, I think “Cathy you’re an idiot”.  Seems harsh.  I would NEVER call anyone an idiot so why the heck would I call myself an idiot.  It’s similar to reframe it to what you would say to a friend.  As Palmer wrote, “Try to observe when your impostor feelings surface and how you respond to them.” Be compassionate in your self-talk.
  4. Let go of perfectionism. I’ve coached countless folks who struggle with perfectionism.  In my mind it’s the manifestation of imposter feelings.  So, they constantly work harder and longer to make their output as perfect as possible so that no one will find out that they are imperfect and, therefore, an imposter. Palmer wrote, “It may help to release yourself from rigid roles. For example, Orbé-Austin said people with impostor phenomenon often see themselves as helpers––people who come to the rescue. “Breaking free from those roles so you can be someone who doesn’t know it all or someone who can’t always help can allow us to be more robust people and professionals,” she said.” Perfection is failing, it’s suffocating and keeping folks stuck.
  5. Share your thoughts. Perhaps through therapy, a coach, or a trusted friend, share your imposter feelings with someone you can confide in. I find when I coach that when my client actually says something out loud (instead of rumination), it will bring insight.  Saying it out loud makes it real and prompts examination. As Kelly wrote, “By sharing with others, it will release the pent-up burden. You’ll quickly find out that you’re not alone and this is shared by many other professionals. You will feel a big sense of relief once you find out that it’s commonplace, you’re in good company and it’s not just you.” Share your thoughts so others can weigh in and help examine their validity.

I believe that comparison is at the root of most imposter feelings. I envy my neighbors new Tesla, my friend’s vacation to the Alps, or my sister’s promotion to Vice President. Comparison is the thief of joy and will keep me in the imposter zone. As a friend said to me recently, “Stay in your lane.” Focus on what’s in front of you and your experience and let others focus on their lanes. How do you address imposter feelings?

🥰4 Ways to Embrace Amor Fati

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Definition of amor fati : love of fate : the welcoming of all life’s experiences as good

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche describes Amor Fati: “That one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backwards, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it…. but love it.” Appalachian Trail thru-hikers (an epic, several-month-long trek over 2,000 miles) would express this as “Embrace the Suck.” Bryon Katie wrote a whole book on the topic called Loving What Is. I’ve spent decades trying to recreate history and control the path of my future, my kid’s future and my family’s future. I imagine I have a giant eraser to take back a failed marriage and wallow in regret, or project forward that my father would miraculously cheat death as he slowly succumbed to congestive heart failure. I have learned over the last few years that I am powerless to rewrite history and to meaningfully alter the future. Amor Fati.

Here are the 4 ways to embrace Amor Fati:

Quit Complaining

As Will Bowen says, “Complaining is like bad breath – you notice it when it comes out of someone else’s mouth, but not when it comes out of your own.” Bowen is the creator of A Complaint Free World  and challenges folks to go complaint free for 21 days. I remember taking this challenge some 7 years ago and I have to say, it’s pretty tough. I mean there is the weather, the traffic, my son still hasn’t responded to my text, the soup is cold, the package is late, my assistant hasn’t responded…but I digress into complaining. It’s so easy to deny what is. It’s like the negativity bias that saved your ancestors from saber-toothed tigers. It is constantly scanning the environment to track everything that is wrong. Try it for today. Just today. Be focused on what’s right with the world. With your world. I have a roof, my son is safely home from the Republic of Georgia, a warm house and potable water. Welcome the rain, the red light, the screaming infant. Amor Fati.

Jump Forward

When I was going through my Brain Based Coaching training some twelve years ago, I remember a tool we used called 10:10:10. This is a concept developed by Suzy Welch for decision making. “Here’s how it works. Every time I find myself in a situation where there appears to be no solution that will make everyone happy, I ask myself three questions: What are the consequences of my decision in 10 minutes? In 10 months? And in 10 years?” So, if staying late to complete a project for your boss means missing your child’s play at school using the 10:10:10 process there may be a happy boss and perhaps a more resilient child. As Ryan Holiday wrote, “The loss of a loved one, a breakup, some public embarrassment… In five years, are you still going to be mortified, or are you still going to be wracked with grief? Probably not. That’s not saying that you won’t feel bad, but you’re not going to feel as terrible as you do now. So, why are you punishing yourself?” I remember selling my beautiful house by a lake in North Carolina and some 22 years ago in California a house by a creek. I thought, each time, I will never live like this again. It was true, not because my current situation is worse, it’s just different and I never would have imagined how terrific things are right now. Maybe the future is so much better than you think. Amor Fati.

Embrace the Challenge

When my ex-husband left me hanging after my home was flooded by Hurricane Matthew, I was devastated. And then? I decided that this was a challenge. I was going to get the home repaired, fix my devastated finances and create a space of tranquility and comfort. I had an endless punch list and day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, I took it on and conquered it all. I would not succumb regardless of my lack of knowledge of plumbing, HVAC or foreclosure. In retrospect, the challenge of overcoming all the obstacles was the best part. I didn’t want to go through it, but now that I have, I am so glad I did. As Holiday wrote, “It’s like in a game, right? Let’s say I throw you into a football game. If you stop and spend all your time arguing over the rules, you’re never going play. Maybe it doesn’t make sense that the overtime rules are this way or that quarterbacks get special protection, or this or that, right? There are all these different rules that make no sense that are arbitrarily how the game has developed since its inception. The Stoics are asking you in some ways to accept the arbitrary rules. Then they’re saying you play the game with everything you’ve got.” Play the game and embrace the challenge. Amor Fati.

Grateful

Amor means love. It’s not just about accepting the suffering or fate; it’s about loving it. I think about this a lot as I sort through the aftermath of my divorce. I am grateful for the process, for each and every decision, good or bad, for the pain and the release, for the deception and the triumph. I would not be where I am now without the journey, without the emotional bruises, without the struggle. I am so grateful to be the woman I have become. Sober, independent, present and courageous. I do a loving kindness meditation every morning. I wish happiness, peace, health and living with ease to everyone in my family, my friends, my clients, my enemies and, lastly, my ex-husband. I imagine embracing each one. I love them all for what they have brought to my life and love the hand I have been dealt. I am most grateful for my ex-husband leaving me to live my life to the fullest. Amor Fati.

It’s all about reframing the journey. Instead of dreading the court date or the root canal, looking forward to and loving what fate has in store for me. I think a lot about, “Hmm, I wonder what exciting twist will occur?” or “What does the universe have planned for me now?” I’m not sure where I will be in 5 or 10 years but I know the journey will be exciting. Amor Fati.

😃 5 Tips to Setting Boundaries

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I’ve been a professional coach for the last 15 years and have spent the last 3 years doing it full time.  I have seen themes amongst my clients with the most prevalent being the inability to set boundaries. This was especially true when many of us became remote workers at the beginning of the pandemic. Half-naked spouses walked in the background of zoom calls, we were literally transported into colleagues’ bedrooms inclusive of unmade beds, screaming children and lounging pets. There never seemed to be an off switch to my laptop and the demands never seemed to stop.  We’ve slowly inched back to what is nostalgically sort of normal (but not really).  It’s time to start rebuilding the boundaries that we either had before the pandemic or start all over and initiate some boundaries from scratch.

I love this quote from Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, “Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/ or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.” Instead of walking around with resentment, think about one new boundary you could set up now so that you can take back control of your life.

Here are 5 tips to setting boundaries:

Minimize Notifications. I had a client complain about their spouse because they were unwilling to make dinner when she was delayed at work.  I shared the Brene quote about resentment and said, “It sounds like he’s setting a boundary and perhaps you resent him for it.” She told me that the next evening she received a text a 3 AM.  It ruined her sleep.  She had an epiphany that she needed to set a boundary.  She set up her phone to not receive text notifications from 9 PM until 5 AM. I can remember when I first got my laptop, I was getting bells and beeps for all kinds of reasons and I spent the next week figuring out how to turn them off. Most notifications are nothing but distractions and they invade at the most inopportune times like sleep or when you want to be fully present. Turning off notifications that aren’t useful is one boundary you can set.

Communicate with Clarity.  I love the Power of the Positive No by William Ury because it’s all about communicating your values proactively instead of falling into resentment. The template is Yes, No, Yes.  The first yes is what you value like “I value being present for my family when I’m not working”, the no is “I won’t be receiving notifications after work hours” and finally the last yes which is “If it’s truly an emergency I propose you can call my cell phone.” Setting expectations is a key part of setting boundaries.  If you aren’t going to answer email or will be responding to slack messages at the end of the day, let your employee, coworkers and boss know.  It can be quite jarring when someone who would answer you immediately suddenly starts answering texts the next day.  Communicate your boundary upfront.

Get Uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is about leaning into discomfort. I typically don’t have clients of Fridays and I don’t have clients after 3 PM so that I can go swimming at a local pool. It can be uncomfortable when someone wants me to set up a recurring appointment during these times.  I don’t necessarily have a conflict but this is my time.  I have to make myself and what Stephen Covey referred to as Q2 time or quadrant 2 time, that which is important but not urgent.  Lots of things fall into this quadrant like writing this blog, going swimming and working on ancestry projects. It’s uncomfortable to make this a priority. It doesn’t help that women aren’t typically good at advocating for themselves.  To advocate for yourself by setting boundaries is to get uncomfortable. 

Others May Not Get It. When I start advocating for myself with boundaries there is a good chance that other folks won’t get it.  They may push back. It’s fine to empathize with “I can see you are frustrated I won’t change my schedule on Fridays” or “I can see you are upset that I didn’t respond to your email until this morning.” Just because someone else isn’t comfortable with your boundary is not an indication that the boundary is not useful or needed. As Wayne Dyer said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”  Let go of the expectation that others will understand your boundary.

Stay Flexible. I go to bed at an outrageously early time for a grown adult.  I usually head to bed at 8:30 PM. This has contributed greatly to better sleep for me.  I have learned that if my kids are home or I am visiting others, I will need to be flexible. I recently saw my kid’s uncle in New York.  I hadn’t seen him in over 10 years and it meant driving a night (something I try to avoid) and not getting home until 10 PM.  Yes, I have boundaries but I need to be flexible and adaptable to the situation at hand.  I also have to pick up my son in the middle of the night as he travels back from several weeks overseas in the Republic of Georgia.  I may flex or update my boundary but I’m able to resume it, if it’s still a priority to me. 

As I frequently tell my clients it’s important to start small. I think of Tim Ferris’ book, “The 4-hour workweek,” in which he only responds to emails once a week and he had clearly outlined boundaries throughout his week so that he is able to only work 4 hours a week.  That is great for Tim.  It’s not necessary to start there for you or me.  Start small and get a win on creating one tiny boundary.  What boundary will you try first?

🪦5 Discoveries in Cornwall CT

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I drove to Cornwall, Connecticut in mid-October of this year.  My purpose was to find gravestones of my relatives on my paternal grandmother’s family tree.  If you have joined ancestry.com or use findagrave.com, then perhaps you too have fallen down the rabbit hole that is researching your family roots.  As I was poking  around ancestry.com which is tied to the findagrave.com website, I started to realize that many of my ancestors were buried in the same cemetery or at least in the same region of Cornwall, Connecticut. What makes this so remarkable is how many generations and family lines are buried in Cornwall. 

Myself in the Cornwall Hallow Cemetery in front of Major General John Sedgwick and my 3rd Great Grandparents and
4th Great Grandparents graves.

Here are my 5 discoveries in Cornwall:

Cornwall is tiny. I expected the town to be at least 20,000 folks.  Imagine my surprise when driving through the Village of Cornwall, there wasn’t even a market or gas station.  Outside of a church, a historical society and library,there isn’t much else. In fact, the most recent census has the population at 1,567.  I can’t imagine how my forefathers all migrated to marry and prosper in this small town that was established in 1740 (well before the revolution).  To go to a restaurant or grocery store I had to drive at least 25 minutes into the Berkshires.  

Cornwall has 5 communities.  There is Cornwall, Cornwall Bridge, Cornwall Hollow, East Cornwall and West Cornwall.  There are some potters and artisans and a restaurant or two in some of these communities but I ended up driving to Sharon, Falls Village or Canaan to find “civilization”.  There is a famous covered bridge in Cornwall which you would assume to find in Cornwall Bridge.  There is a bridge in Cornwall Bridge over the Housatonic River but it’s not the covered bridge (crazy right?).  The covered bridge which dates from 1864 and is a single lane bridge also goes over the Housatonic but is actually in West Cornwall.  The confusion over Cornwall Bridge and the West Cornwall Covered Bridge had me quite confused for the first few days in Cornwall. 

Cornwall has parts of the Appalachian Trail. I was surprised by how hilly the terrain was in Cornwall and was surprised to see signs for the Appalachian Trail along the Housatonic River. Since Cornwall was initially and continues to be a farming community, it was surprising how hilly the region was as I’m used to the lowlands of North Carolina for farming. My friend, Susannah and I hiked part of the AT to Caleb Peak which was wonderful in the Fall and had a lovely view.  I also hiked part of the AT along the Housatonic out of Falls Village. There is also ski resort called Mohawk Mountain.  Perhaps it’s my impression that Connecticut is flat, has several large cities like Hartford and mostly beaches but there is mountain climbing in Cornwall. 

Cornwall Hallow = Sedgwick. The very first cemetery I went to was the Cornwall Hallow Cemetery. I found 11 headstones of ancestors on my Sedgwick side of the family in this one cemetery.  Here in this one cemetery were 4 generations of my grandparents from my 2nd Great Grandfather John Benjamin Sedgwick, 3rd Great Grandparents Philo and Eliza, 4th Great Grandparents Benjamin and Olive, 5th Great Grandparents John and Abigail and finally 6th Great Grandmother Anne Thompson Sedgwick. As I was searching for the oldest headstone which was Anne Sedgwick (1719-1793), a man pulled up in a truck and asked who I was looking for.  It turns out this must have been a long-lost cousin because his mother was a Sedgwick and he knew exactly where the Sedgwick homestead was which was about a half mile from the cemetery. In addition, there was a memorial to my 3rd Great Uncle John Sedgwick who was killed in action at Spotsylvania during the Civil War and was the highest-ranking Union General to fall in action. The homestead he built, a short half mile away, he only spent 3 months while recuperating from wounds during the war.  I find it amazing that 4 generations of a family prospered in the very small village which has no center but a road call Cornwall Hallow and not much else but the cemetery.

Cornwall is a connection point. My cousin Christie has photos of several houses from Cornwall in which my dad, his siblings and my grandmother lived or vacationed in over time. My 2nd Great Aunt Sadie lived here, my Great Uncle John Sedgwick Cooke and his wife Mary lived here. There are stories of the Rogers family which I am descended from 5 generations of Noah Rogers and Noah Rogers III through Noah Rogers V are all buried here in the Cornwall Cemetery and North Cornwall Cemetery.  They referred to the family home as Noah’s Ark (which I think is adorable) and then there is the Clark and Northrop sides of the family who are also found buried here including my namesake Catharine Rebekah Clark Rogers and there is one road called Clark Hill Road.  When they call something a “road” here there’s a good chance it’s single lane and gravel for up to ten miles.  But my sturdy forebears all connect here in the far western side of Connecticut. 

Here in this beautiful forested hilly country next to the mighty Housatonic River nestled in the Berkshires, 5 generations of my family found each other, established farms, grew families and whether they wandered off to other parts or stayed and kept the fires burning, they all returned here in the end to be close to family. In a letter from General John Sedgwick to his parents, Benjamin and Olive Sedgwick upon the death of his sister Olive Sedgwick Fuller, “I hope she is carried to our burying-ground.  It is a great consolation to believe that wherever I may die, I shall be buried with my family.” I discovered that Cornwall will always be a revered place in my heart for its beauty, history and my ancestral roots. 

😎It is Not My Only Line in the Play

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I heard this quote at a conference in October. It really put things into perspective. We have a lot more shots at a goal than we imagine. I think back to grade school theatrical productions and not wanting to flub the one line I was given. But in reality, we have a ton of lines. For that matter, a ton of plays in life. I can get wrapped up in perfection in the job interview, or the presentation to the board, or the first date. It’s freeing to realize there are a lot of opportunities in life and it’s grand to not get wrapped up in the perfection of your next line in the play.

A recent facilitation for Daniels and Daniels Construction

I can relive conflicts in my life where I have an epiphany about what I should have said. The perfect comeback. The perfect redress. The perfect reparation. Finally putting someone in their place, and yet, the opportunity is long past. I can live in a loop in my head about how I should have played the situation differently. It takes energy. It zaps me. It’s completely unproductive. It was only one line.

So here are some ideas on how to move on to the next line in the play:

Piece it out

I facilitate a bunch of different trainings. They can range from Ethics, Sexual Harassment, or Human Resource Certification. Sometimes I present about CRR Global’ s “Lands Work”, Gallup’s Strengthsfinder, DiSC or Leadership Retreats. The thing is, when I first started facilitating, I would get completely caught up in the three upcoming events I had scheduled. I’d be worried about the one in three weeks when I was prepping for the one tomorrow. I would be overwhelmed and not sleep well. The secret is to focus on the next project. The next training. The next coaching client. By piecing it out to one project or event or client at a time, I can focus, be calm and better prepared. Focus on the next line in the play.

It’s about them

Delivering a line or a song or a presentation is all about the audience. Moving off of my own ego and onto the group in front of me is lifting an enormous burden off my shoulders. It’s not worrying about if I look fat in this outfit or if I can get a laugh out of the room. It’s delivering one piece that helps someone in their day. When you focus on them, it becomes a service. It makes it easier. I know that can seem like a lot of pressure but if I go into a room of two hundred people wanting to impress them all, it’s overwhelming and sure to fail. If I go into that same room with the intention to impact just one person’s life, it’s much easier. If it helps more than one person, terrific. If everyone gets it and loves the presentation? Even better. But the goal remains all about them.

$hitty first draft

Practically everything I facilitate, coach, or write is a first draft. I try not to overthink things. Granted, I have an editor for my blog, but the rest of what I deliver is on the fly. It’s in the moment. I’ve said some dumb things; I’ve said some witty things; I’ve said things I want to completely forget about (and usually don’t). Aren’t most conversations in life just $hitty first drafts anyway? Let go of perfection and be in the moment. If you mess up this line, there is another line coming up.

Be present in the moment

I’ve spent a lot of time rushing ahead. Planning. Mapping things out. I can be exhausting to be around. I can also spend a lot of time dwelling on the past. The Monday morning quarterbacking type stuff that is just as debilitating. The important thing is this moment right now. I facilitated a new group a few weeks back. I had never worked for this organization before. There were a bunch of unknowns: the audio visual; wall space for flip-charts; seating arrangements for the table. That’s all just flotsam. The real object is being present for the people in that room. It’s being present to tease out the wisdom in the room. It’s letting other folks shine their light for everyone else to benefit. If I’m more worried about the perfect room set up and refreshments, I’m not present for those in the room. So maybe you have to adjust the line in the play to fit the group in the room. Be present so you know it.

Be silent

It’s OK to be quiet. Not everything has to be filled with words. Time for folks to reflect is super important. Time for you to reflect is important as well. I think back to my first date with my ex. There was plenty of silence. I was OK with not filling every moment with language. I remember becoming certified to deliver a Myer’s Briggs facilitation. The instructor told us to wait 20 seconds after asking the group a question. Count out twenty seconds in your head.  Go ahead.                It’s an eternity, right? It’s an adjustment to be OK with silence. You don’t need to have language filling the air at all times. Give everyone time and space to reflect and digest. Some of the most profound moments in a play are when it is silent. Think back to all the pregnant pauses in a Hitchcock film. Rear Window would not be as griping without the silence. Silence can be powerful.

At the heart of all of this is just being authentic and present for as much as you can. Give up the need to know how it’s all going to end up. Every play is going to be different. Every line you deliver will have a different impact. What’s your next line in the play?

🙌 5 Tricks to Connection and Creativity

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I recently read an interesting book by Gabriella Kellerman and Martin Seligman called Tomorrowmind. It’s a thought provoking book that looks at thriving at work with resilience, creativity and connection. Since I spent a good deal of my time coaching others, many of the tips resonated for me. They posit that we are naturally better at hunting and gathering and that every other kind of work is fundamentally a mismatch for our brain. 

As Kellerman and Seligman wrote, “Today our work is fast, uncertain, and full of complexity. We’ve come to expect that the challenges of next week will eat those of this week for lunch. Hunters and gatherers didn’t have to deal with that. The critical changes they saw were sudden and urgent, so our brains register change as threat. A huge part of the challenge of thriving at work today is overcoming the mental patterns that made sense for hunter-gatherers but no longer serve us today.” I can feel like I’m on high alert all week and yet, I’m never going to be eaten by a lion or the marketing department. The book looks for ways to cope with this mismatch.

Here are 5 tricks to connection and creativity:

Time Famine.  It frequently feels as if we don’t have enough time. Feeling like you have little time is detrimental to connecting with others. I can remember our weekly staff meetings at a company I worked for and the first half hour was spent talking about sports and events from the weekend. It was time to connect.  I remember thinking it was a waste of time but now I see that it was bringing about connection.  In a study called “Giving Times Gives You Time”, they found that, “Doing kind acts for others, even just for 15 minutes, converted people from time famine to time abundance.” When you feel behind think about ways to do something kind for others.

Connection Time.  Human beings are really bad at estimating the time something will take. Whether it’s goal setting or how long it will take to make a bed, we are woefully inaccurate.  As the authors wrote, A host of studies have been done looking at how long it takes for doctors to make patients feel seen and heard and cared for. It turns out to take less than one minute of kind words for a doctor to connect with their patient deeply enough to influence health outcomes and lower patient anxiety. Even increments as short as 10 seconds can make a difference.” Don’t we all have 10 seconds to connect? Some examples are, “It was so nice to catch up with you today. Let’s please do it again soon.”—three seconds. “I really admire how you navigated that question.”—two seconds. “I can tell you worked hard on this. Thank you for all of your effort. I’m so glad that we’re in this together.”—five seconds.” Spend time connecting.

Novelty. In order to build on your creativity, work in some novelty into your day.  Shake up your morning routine, drive a different route to the grocery store or work, or reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in a while.  A friend of mine that I haven’t spoken to in a while sent me a text about meditation a few weeks ago.  Out of the blue.  It made me think about my meditation routine and also introduced a new book for my reading list (Who knows? I might end up writing about it here).  Novelty introduces new pathways for your brain. I think this is why I like to travel so much, finding new experiences enhances my creativity.

Embrace Ambiguity. This is definitely a barrier for me.  I put off writing this piece for a while because I can feel uneasy about getting started if I can’t picture the whole thing in my mind.  This is a cornerstone of procrastination.  I want to see the whole thing and get it done in one sitting.  That, unfortunately, is rare and difficult in the current state of technology and the world.  As they wrote, “The murky uncertainty of the early phases of the creative process can feel uneasy to some of us, and we want to end them as quickly as possible. But when we shortchange the divergent parts of creativity, we put a ceiling on just how imaginative our solutions can be. Know that it’s normal to feel a little uneasy in ambiguity, but you can get used to it and even start to enjoy it. Try stretching this ambiguous phase just a little bit longer each time you hit it.”  I know it sounds painful to me.  Sitting in discomfort can be the mother of invention. 

Creative Confidence.  Henry Ford famously said “If you think you can, if you think you can’t, either way you are right.”  In the book Limitless by Jim Kwik, he writes about creating a limitless brain and practically every step starts with the belief that you can.  If I went around saying I have a bad memory….well…I’ll have a bad memory.  My body, my brain are feeding off each other.  If I walk around saying I can learn to improve my memory, I will. Think about the language you use in your head.  Catch yourself and others when they spark innovation even in the smallest of ways.  Create creative confidence in yourself and others.

I love that throughout the book they refer to the whitewater world of work.  It can really feel like we are running rapids all day and these are terrific ideas to expand your time and enhance your creative juices.  Which one will you try first?