Author: Cathy Noice

Executive Coach, Author, Speaker and Facilitator. Achieve. Grow. Do. As a coach, I use a structured, self-directed approach that challenges clients to achieve sustainable results towards inspired self created goals. Using brain based tools and coaching, my clients achieve breakthroughs and, as one client put it, "the junk gets cleared out". I specialize in newly promoted or transferred leaders. My coaching specialties include: * Executive Coaching * Leadership Coaching * Career Strategy As an author, I put my extensive management, teaching, training and human resource background into making sense in the workplace.

🪁Untethering from Praise and Criticism

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It’s so easy for me to get caught up in what someone says about me.  Good or bad or devastating. To tie my worth to someone else’s words.  To measure myself in someone else’s eyes. One comment about my weight from a family member, whether too thin or too heavy, can cut deeper than any physical cut. In Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big, she writes about the principles of unhooking from praise and criticism.  I found her words to be very insightful and freeing. 

Here are ways to untether from praise or criticism:

Feedback doesn’t tell you about you.  Crazy right?  Feedback is about who delivered the feedback.  So, if someone tells me the project doesn’t have enough detail, it’s more about their need for detail.  If someone tells me, it’s too far to drive, it’s too far for them to drive.  If someone tells me eating plant based isn’t healthy, it isn’t healthy for them. I also think this is about boundary setting as Brene Brown espouses.  If someone criticizes you about not working enough, they resent you because they are unable to set the same boundary.  I do know there is valid feedback that is of use like, “This is too salty” or “That color is lovely on you.” It’s just important to use the lens that whatever feedback you get is more about the other person than you.

Incorporate useful feedback and let go of the rest. I bought my third house when I was 8 months pregnant with my son, Benson. My conservative father told me that a bank would not give me a loan because I was pregnant. I was an entrepreneur and the bread winner in the house and he assumed they would not give me the loan.  I got the loan.  Sweating over whether they would or wouldn’t was not useful. My wonderful editor’s feedback on my blog posts is useful. Criticism from elsewhere of the end-of-life care for my dog was not. As Mohr writes, “Much of the feedback you’ll receive is not important to integrate into your work.  This is especially true for women innovators, change agents and activists.  Some of it is plain old backlash. Some reflects people’s being threatened by or not understanding cutting edge ideas. Some reflects attachment to the old way.” The most important feedback is from your intended audience and decision makers, focus on them. Piece out the feedback that is useful and let go of the rest.

Women who play big get criticized. As written by Mohr, “Think of the women you admire because of the significant impact they’ve made on their communities, their companies, or their industries.  Were they universally adored?  No, to say the least. Women doing or saying anything of substance draw both criticism and praise.  Some people give them a standing ovation and some throw tomatoes.” She suggests reading the book reviews on a woman author you like and to see both the positive and negative reviews. It’s important to remember that no one is universally beloved so don’t let criticism tarnish your shine.

Criticism hurts when it mirrors our own thinking. This is painfully true for me. I had a client last year that didn’t find his coaching time with me to be useful. It was a gut punch. I could have a hundred clients give me amazing reviews and the one guy who didn’t find me useful was crushing.  I have coached hundreds of clients at this point and I’m going to get tied to that one piece of feedback because I think I’m just not a good enough coach? Any weight related comment has the same effect, “You’re too skinny,” or “You could lose some weight.” I am so insecure about my appearance that any comment can send me into a tailspin. If someone doesn’t like my black bean brownies or mushroom risotto?  I could care less.. It’s the areas where I’m already insecure that does the most damage. I have to be diligent not to get hooked on the feedback that mirror my own insecurities.

What’s more important to me than praise? For me, it’s all about figuring out where I want to add value. It’s nice if someone likes my earrings or my new RV but where am I trying to have an impact?  I think of the countless coaches who have achieved their goals of living an intentional life or being a confident, influential leader.  This is where my value is.  Not the scale, or my bank account, or objects in my life.  If one woman travels solo overseas, or quits her toxic working situation or sets new boundaries that bring her peace, that’s where my impact is.  Figure out what impact you want to have in your corner of the world and focus on that.

I remember when I was looking for my replacement in my last job.  One of the candidates said I was a legend in Human Resources.  This was very high praise. It clouded my thinking on the candidate and gave too much weight to their candidacy. I was too hooked on the praise. Praise or criticism clouds my thinking.  What are you more hooked by? Criticism or praise?

🚎My Solo Maiden Voyage

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I ordered my Leisure Travel Van Wonder RL in March of 2021.  It was at the height of the pandemic and they told me it would be a 2 year wait due to supply chain issues. At the time, I was fine with a 2 year wait as I figured it would give me plenty of time to “figure things out.”  Figuring things out like how to travel in a 25-foot RV around the United States and Canada, how to stock it, store it and, most importantly, drive it. Two years turned into almost Three years.  I finally took possession on February 1st, 2024.  

My new RV, Abeona, parked at Jekyll Island Campground

I have camped many times in my life.  My family and I drove across the United States from Delaware to California, to British Columbia and back on an 8-week odyssey when I was 8 years old. My two older brothers and I with my parents hit the road in an old blue Ford station wagon (without air conditioning) with a 26-foot trailer behind it. I had my own bunk and, as I recall, slept outside a lot under a blanket strewn over a rope between two trees (I apparently didn’t think about snakes or bears or other things that move around in the night).  I know we stayed in campgrounds for the most part and that many days were incredibly long. My father was a hero for driving almost the entire way, some 4,000 plus miles. My mother was the other hero. I don’t’ know how she cooked or how big the refrigerator was. I’m sure it was a wet bath (the shower and toilet are combined in a tiny room).  There was no Wi-Fi, no air conditioning or television.  Just a radio and a dining table that folded down into a full-size bed for my parents.  So yes.  Technically I have lived in an RV but, at eight years old, I had no concept on what was involved in driving cross country in an RV.

I have christened my RV as Abeona (goddess of the outward journey).  It can’t hurt to have a goddess looking out for me.  Abeona is equipped with all kinds of bells and whistles compared to the Coachman Trailer we traveled cross country in as a family. There is air conditioning, heater, gas stove, microwave/convection oven, separate toilet and shower, a fridge that is bigger than the one I shared in my freshman dorm and a roomy freezer as well.  There is a Wi-Fi extender and antenna and two (yes, two) televisions. There is seating for four with seat belts and a separate lounge/murphy bed in the back of the RV.  THIS is not my parents travel trailer.  It also has about 20 different systems at work all at once from LED lighting, to lithium batteries, an inverter, a generator, tire systems, fresh water and gray and black tanks.  To say I was overwhelmed after the half day walkthrough at the dealership, is an understatement.  My son and I spent the night in Abeona at the dealership before I drove it home the next day.  I was glad to have the experience of a night in Abeona before heading out into the great wide-open world but regardless of how uncertain and overwhelmed I was, I had to head out.

An issue with any RV that is not meant for 4 seasons (an RV that is insulated to be lived in below freezing) is the fear of freezing pipes.  I didn’t want my brand-new RV to spring a leak in early February in North Carolina where freezing temperatures are the norm.  The dealership helped me figure how to semi-winterize the rig and use the heating system and batteries to keep it warm enough at night.  I quickly set up a three-week trip to get to the warmer temperatures of Tybee Island, GA, Sarasota, FL and Jekyll Island, GA.  On February 10th, Abeona and I headed out and spent our first night on the road together at Santee, SC.  

First of all, I have to say, that if you are going to drive a vehicle that is three times the size of your regular vehicle, driving on Interstate 40 and Interstate 95 is a really good place to start. I left on a Saturday when there wasn’t much traffic and the drive to Santee was about 3 hours so it wasn’t too taxing.  I can’t imagine driving up a steep incline, mountain pass or narrow road on our maiden voyage. I also drove about 5 miles an hour below the limit. I was sensitive to every gust of wind and lurch and objects moving inside the rig. I have learned that I prefer a gas station that is by its lonesome instead of the confusion of a truck stop.  I’ve also learned that Cracker Barrel and rest stops always have some pull through RV parking which makes it really handy for parking. To be able to pull through and not back up is a real gift when on the road.  It’s also nice to just pull off at a rest stop, and in the pouring rain, to not have to get out of the RV to go the bathroom or grab a cold drink. 

It’s been a huge learning curve.  It took me three weeks to truly figure out using the fresh water tank versus tap water from the campground. It turns out that I need to turn OFF the water pump to use the campground water instead of the fresh water tank (along with all the dials being in the correct direction).  I needed beefier, grippier gloves to deal with the sewer hose as well as every electrical hook up (also known as shore power) has a breaker switch that needs to be turned on (all of this seems obvious in retrospect!).  I am constantly saying “righty tighty” to make sure I’m turning things in the correct direction. 

It has truly been a journey and I’m happy to say that I was able to talk to each of my clients via video in all three locations, I was able to see 8 beach front sunrises that were amazing and I did this all while taking hot showers, eating tasty meals and sleeping in a comfortable bed.  By my return home, I was driving the speed limit and brave enough to do an 8-hour travel day.  Abeona is now tucked away in storage until we head out on our next adventure. It took a bit of trial and error, and patience, and turning down the volume on my inner critic, but I did it alone and I’m really proud that I did. 

😳6 Signs You are Hiding

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In Tara Mohr’s terrific book Playing Big, she lovingly calls out that most of us are using various ways to hide.  It’s a procrastination move to delay launch on whatever could propel one forward.    Waiting until one more set of eyes reviews my website, getting one more certification before applying for the “big” job I want or waiting to speak proper Portuguese before heading to Portugal. These are all tactics I use to delay, procrastinate and kick the can down the road just a little bit longer.  These are ways I play small instead of playing Big.

Here are 6 signs you are hiding:

This before That.  This is when I ordain that things must happen in a certain order.  Like I can’t write a blog until I set up a website.  I can’t set up a website until I have claimed a URL. I can’t claim a URL until I get a DBA.  I can’t get a DBA until I get a tax ID.  And on and on and on. Some things can happen concurrently.  Most things don’t need to be in a certain order.  Check your assumptions and shake things up.

Designing at the Whiteboard.  I think of this as designing in isolation.  Take 4 brilliant minds and give them a whiteboard to come up with some great ideas. There may indeed be some great ideas created on the whiteboard; the issue is when you don’t find out what other stakeholders or customers actually want.  Mohr says that’s safe and cozy with the whiteboard because we are not getting feedback from the market or devil’s advocates.  I think it also delays launching because you buy another whiteboard to expand your thinking instead of getting feedback and/or launching.  Don’t just stand in front of the whiteboard, engage.

Perfection. Reid Hoffman said, “If you are not embarrassed by the first version of your product, you launched it too late.” I think this is all about expecting and embracing errors and omissions. My first website, my first blog post, my first coaching client are all lessons in giving up perfection. I could always tinker and polish it a little bit longer but it’s diminishing returns. Perfection is exhaustingly unachievable. Let it go.  Seeking perfection is the “perfect” way to hide.

Not chiming in. This is all about when I listen to everyone else and never give my perspective. I think, as a leader, it’s important to weigh in after everyone else.  I just need to make sure that I weigh in as well.  As Mohr writes, “I’ve seen so many women make this move.  A woman becomes captivated by an idea.  She’s captivated because she’s noticed something missing from the conversation and has something to say.  Yet instead of sharing her own perspective, she creates a project to curate other people’s ideas about it. Give your perspective instead of hiding behind everyone else’s.

Omitting your own story. This is around the fear of being vulnerable.  I think back on telling my sobriety story.  I never shared it for fear that I would be “found out” or that it just wasn’t that interesting. That particular story (which took me 6 years to finally tell), has changed some people’s lives. As Mohr wrote, “Can we resist the fear-based tendency to make our work abstract or overly complex and instead trust that our lived experiences, insights, and natural ideas are enough to bring to the table?” It might be vulnerable.  It might be uncomfortable.  Tell your story anyway.

Believing you aren’t enough.  I was on this conveyor belt for years.  I had, at one time, an alphabet soup of letters after my name for all the various certifications and degrees I had attained. I coach women all day who want one more degree or certification or training before they take the leap.  Yes, it’s a great idea to learn and network.  As Mohr posits, “Talented women with a dream believe that they need another degree, training, or certification because they are not “enough” as they are.  They look to an external qualification to give them a sense of internal permission to lead and create.” You have permission.  You are enough.  Go lead and prosper!

Growth can be uncomfortable.  It’s OK to be uncomfortable. Get out from behind your hiding spot and feel the rain, or the beating sun or the gust of wind.  Do it scared.  Be seen.

🫣6 Tips to Slaying Self-Doubt

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I’ve been traveling in a new Recreational Vehicle for the last three weeks.  I have never driven or set up an RV in my life.  I have been racked with self-doubt to the point of feeling sick the evening before I set out on my solo trip in February.  We all have times when self-doubt rears its ugly head.  There is no immunity but thanks to a great book by Tara Mohr called Playing Big, there are ways to address it.

Tara points out that the Inner Critic (the cheerleader for self-doubt) is not realistic thinking.  The Inner Critic makes pronouncements while Realistic Thinking has curiosity.  The Inner Critic has no evidence while Realistic Thinking gathers evidence to inform conclusion. The Inner Critic thinks in terms of black and white while Realistic Thinking sees all manner of gray. The Inner Critic is repetitive and problem focused and Realistic Thinking is forward thinking and solution focused.  When you really think about the Inner Critic it’s just about turning the volume down so that you can listen to Realistic Thinking.

Here are the 6 tips to slaying self-doubt:

Label it. As with most change it’s all about awareness.  So, when you hear your critic talking you need to recognize that it’s the Inner Critic.  “Cathy, that’s your Inner Critic talking.”  Sometimes I start by thinking “the story I’m telling myself which should really be “the story the Inner Critic is telling is…” Label your critic so you are aware when it sneaks in. 

Third Person.  It’s helpful to separate from the Inner Critic. The easiest, handiest way is to put it in the third person.  So don’t say, “I’m freaking out here” or “I’m not mechanically inclined” to “The Inner Critic is freaking out” or “The Inner Critic thinks I’m not mechanically inclined”.  It’s like putting the critic in its place away from between your ears. Put the Inner Critic in the third person. 

Create a character.  This works in concert with making the Inner Critic in the third person.  It’s unmasking their hold by creating a character that is inhabited by the Inner Critic.  My Inner Critic looks something like Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip.  She is always negative or trying to deceive me. Lucy is pointing out EVERYTHING that could go wrong.  So now I just think “Well that’s Lucy catastrophizing again” or “Here comes Lucy to pull the rug out from under me”.  Create a character for your Inner Critic.

Question your Inner Critic. This enhances the separation between you and your Inner Critic. It sounds something like “So Lucy, what are you afraid of?” Or “What’s really behind this fear mongering right now?”  Patiently listen to what your Inner Critic has to say (perhaps not out loud at Starbucks) and once you’ve heard their fear of embarrassment or attack or failure, let them have their say.  Then calmly reply, “Thanks so much for your input, but I’ve got this one covered.”  

Remove the critic.  Putting the Inner Critic in a box, cabinet or jar can be a relief.  In my training with Organization, Relationship, Systems Coaching (ORSC), when someone was struggling with a conflict, it was helpful to take a handy object, any object, like a pencil, stapler or towel and have the object be the stand-in for the conflict.  In this case, the Inner Critic.  Then either throw it, place it, hide it or shove it to rid yourself of the conflict (Inner Critic).  It’s amazing when you use an object as a stand-in.  Then you can continue on by saying, “It’s just me here – the Inner Critic is on a break for now.” Use an object as a surrogate to remove the Inner Critic.

Turn it down or fade out.  Mohr suggests, “Notice where, physically, it feels like the inner critic voice is located in or around your body, and picture the voice receding into space, moving away from you.” I like to imagine that I’m turning the volume down.  Grab the dial and move it down to a whisper or mute. Turn down the Inner Critic’s voice.

Mohr makes it clear that the Inner Critic will never disappear.  Similar to meditation, your inner voice will never be completely quiet or go away.  It’s a matter of repackaging or altering it so that you can tap into your Inner Mentor or realistic voice. But most importantly, not be guided by the fear mongering of the Inner Critic.  Which tip will you try first?

4 Tips to Playing Big

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I recently finished Tara Mohr’s, Playing Big. It’s such an insightful book that I’m embarrassed that I hadn’t read it until recently since it was published in 2014.  How Women Rise, has been my bible for coaching women in business and, Playing Big, surpasses it in many ways. It gives you actual tools  to help women find their voice. There were countless times, as I read this, that I said, “That’s me!”.  There is something comforting knowing that you are not the only one out there saying such disempowering phrases like “Does that make sense?” Or “Sorry, but”. It’s that need to please and to play small that hurts our career trajectory.

Here are my 4 tips from Playing Big:

The Inner Critic. We’ve all got one. Mine is in a constant state of fear waiting to be ostracized. The Inner Critic is bias towards negativity.  We mistakenly believe that we’re just having realistic thinking when in reality it’s catastrophic thinking.  I remember walking into a facilitation recently and the tables were not set up as I had expected. My Inner Critic immediately went to “this will never work” and “how could you have let this happen, Cathy?” None of this thinking is helpful in any way.  It takes me out of my Prefrontal Cortex (where we do our best thinking) and into my Amygdala (the fight or flight response). Listening to my Inner Critic takes me to a place where I can’t see possibility and it leads me to play Small. If you want to play Big, shut down your Inner Critic.

The Inner Mentor. So, if I shut down my Inner Critic, who am I going to listen to?  My Inner Mentor I found this to be very powerful. You can access the Inner Mentor Visualization by going to her website and finding Book Supplementary Materials.   In the visualization you are transported to 20 years from now and you meet up with yourself 20 years in the future.  You see the environment you are living in, how you hold yourself and in the end, you give yourself a gift. Connecting to your Inner Mentor is energizing because you can see that you survived whatever fear you think is holding you back.  I found my Inner Mentor to be very relaxed and comfortable. She was very at peace, centered and confident with endless wisdom. This is the person I need to seek advice from rather than the Inner Critic who seems to be running round looking for fire extinguishers and a 40-foot ladder (when there isn’t a fire).  Listening to my Inner Mentor brings me peace and she challenges me to take the leap. 

Know which fear you are experiencing. Tara taps into the two words for fear in Hebrew.  Pachad is imagined fear and yirah is the fear that overcomes us when we are taking over a bigger space. Pachad is an overreaction or irrational fear that stems from worries about what could happen. Like when my child is driving on New Years Eve, my pachad brain says she will get hit by a drunk driver.  The worst-case scenario type of thinking.  Yirah is the fear when I step onto a stage to speak or when I meet with a new potential client.  It’s that feeling of am I good enough to be here.  What if I get found out?  Who do you think you are Cathy?  In the case of Pachad, we want to dampen it down.  In the case of yirah, we want to embrace it.  To embody it. Yirah is helping us play Big.  Know which fear is showing up and choose wisely. 

Diminishing words.  This is similar to habit 9 in How Women Rise or minimizing.  It may sound like “You might think this is a crazy idea” where you set up your idea as something that’s not up to snuff.  I know I do it, so if my idea isn’t liked, I don’t feel as rejected.  Tara puts language to the 10 words or phrases that diminish ourselves.  They are: “Just, Actually, Kind of/Almost, Sorry, but…, A little bit, Disclaimers, “Does that make sense?”, raising pitch at the end of a statement, rushing, and turning a statement into a question.” UGH.  I am guilty of all of these speech habits. What I appreciate is that now I know what words to look for. As Tara admonishes, don’t try to fix all of them at once.  This is a perfectionist trap.  I’ve learned to focus on one of these habits and once I have conquered it, I’ll pick another. To play Big, be aware of using diminishing words. 

This book is a wealth of knowledge and even as I write this and referred back to the book, it has created greater awareness of how I show up.  Author and speaker, Amy Cuddy comes to mind as well where she says to take up space, express your ideas and show your strength.  All of this is an inside game between the ears.  How do you plan to play Big?

🐴 5 Lessons from Horses

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It’s been ten years since I met Lollipop and Rusty but the lessons still resonate. From 2014:

I had the great privilege to work with Renee Sievert and Michele Woodward at an Equus Coaching outing (a methodology created by Koelle Simpson) many years back in the hills of Northern Virginia. Equus Coaching involves interacting one on one with a horse and, through that experience, have a better understanding of yourself and how you “show up” in the world. I thought I was going to be learning about horses but the horse held up a mirror to me.

My past experience with horses had been at camp when I was about 8 and a few trail rides. I always felt disconnected to horses. I felt like they were leading me and I had little to do in directing the path. I was just the terrified kid bobbing on top hoping we ended up at the end of the trail in one piece. I am happy to report that the Equus experience brought about a new appreciation for horses and a new self-awareness.

Rusty on the move.

5 lessons from my teachers, Lollipop and Rusty:

1. Attention. I love to be the center of attention. Lollipop came right over to me as I went into the round pen. He is a smaller, younger horse and he made a b-line for me. I had ten minutes to spend with him, and I think I would have been happy just petting him the entire time. I realize now, it’s one of the reasons I adore my dog, Baci, because she will follow me around the house and lay at my feet wherever I land. I feel a bit guilty, but I love the attention.

2. Intention. I need to be clear in my intention. Renee initially modeled how to lead a horse in the round pen. She stood alone in the pen with Coco (a horse she had never worked with) and through focus, attention and directed arm movements, Coco magically moved in a circle around the pen. No harness. No whistling. No strings. It was amazing (I had goosebumps). By just telegraphing her intention to the horse, she got her to move wherever and whenever she wanted. You have to know what you want to get done so if you want to be the world’s best purple squirrel catcher, set your intention and get started. Be clear in your intention.

3. Focus. I can’t lose my focus. I was amazed that I was able to move Lollipop in the same way around the pen that Renee had moved Coco. I focused in, moved my arms and he followed my intention and focus. Pretty soon he was galloping around the pen in a circle….magic….but….I lost focus. The very second I took my eye off of Lollipop, he came over to me like a moth to a flame. I lost my focus and Lollipop came back to me to find it again. This shows up everywhere in my life: unfinished books, deserted projects, languishing relationships. Stay focused.

4. Sync Up. When you are working in a group, sync up. This is going to sound crazy (cause I thought it was crazy) but I was on a team of three women that had to herd a handsome, albeit obstinate horse named Rusty without communicating using the most obvious of skills, spoken language. Using hand jesters, hope and a little bit of grit, we had to decide where we wanted Rusty to go and then go make it happen. In the end, Rusty didn’t do exactly as we expected but that was largely due to the fact that all three of us had slightly different agendas. Where does this show up for you? Did your assistant put in too much detail maybe because you didn’t communicate your expectations? If all three team members are on even the slightest different tangent, the horse does not know where to go. Sync up your team.

5. Power. I need to find my power. At one point, when we were trying to move Rusty, he stood there; and.would.not.budge. My teammate tried and then she motioned me over. I went over and got behind Rusty. I started slapping a rope against my leg. He.would.not.budge. Ugh. I was getting frustrated. I was going to move this horse. I summoned my power. My energy. I put it into my entire body and slapped the rope against my leg with full force, intention and focus. Magic. Rusty started to move. I stayed on him focusing all my intent and energy forward. He moved. I moved a 2,000 pound beast by finding my power. You cannot phone it in. If you want to move mountains, you need to find your power; FIRST.

It’s amazing how much Nature can teach us if we just pay attention to the lessons. Having a facilitator like Renee was really enlightening. She was constantly observing and saying things like “what’s your body saying to the horse?” or “where is your focus?” Think about how you show up in the world and how you are being observed. Pay attention. You can change more than you think you can.

🫣 5 Ways to Conquer Doubt

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Doubt is paralyzing. It grabs you by the shoulders and says, “There is no way in hell you can keep this house, Cathy.” “There is no way in hell you can ride a bike for ten miles.” “There is no way in hell you can run in a marathon.” It’s the super glue that suddenly holds your shoes to the ground. It’s the snooze button on your alarm that keeps you from the training run. It’s the second, third and fourth chocolate chip cookie that keeps you on the couch, instead of calling the mortgage company. Doubt is insidious and pervasive. It’s the devil’s advocate running amok in our head. You and I both need to shut it down.

I have struggled with self-doubt my entire life. My bet is that you have it as well. The thought that only the people who were blessed with magical powers; the chosen few who can actually achieve their dreams. But as I sit here, almost 57, I have overcome that nasty self-doubt and when I really reflect, I am pretty fortunate and, dare I say, happy.

Here are 5 ways to conquer doubt:

  • The Rule of 10-10-10. I have used this in coaching. Suzy Welch wrote on this in her book of the same title. When you are faced with a decision, look at the ramifications for each way in 10 minutes, 10 months and 10 years. So, in a major decision like holding onto your house or foreclosure, it’s important to follow the process. In 10 minutes, either holding onto the house or letting it go is devastating. In 10 months, the credit implications of walking away could be catastrophic but the financial burden of staying could be paralyzing. In 10 years, the equity in the house could be a financial boom and the credit fiasco would be a long-ago memory. When faced with doubt in a big decision, be sure to look at the long-term ramifications.
  • Notice that you’re alright right now. This is from Rick Hanson.  Our negative biased brain wants to look for negative meaning in everything around us. So that rustle in the bushes is a venomous snake instead of an innocent bird. Doubt is partially built on this same negative brain bias. Thoughts of I am too old; too fat; too slow start to paralyze our forward momentum. In reality. If you take stock. You are alright, right now. I say this because if you are reading this post, you aren’t on a sinking ship or in a burning building. I have shoes on my feet, a roof over my head and, thank goodness, a good WiFi connection.
  • Take stock. It is so easy to dwell on what is not going right instead of what is going well. Take stock of your accomplishments. This does not mean you are a narcissist. It means that you can take ownership of what you have done. I’ve lived on both coasts. I’ve traveled to South America and Europe. I can speak Spanish reasonably well and I bake a damn good loaf of bread. I have two fantastic kids who I raised through some pretty rough transitions in my life. Most importantly, I’ve made a difference in many people’s lives through my coaching and facilitation. There are several people out there who started running in 5k’s and half marathons because of me. That is incredibly gratifying. Taking stock keeps doubt at bay.
  • Be mindful. I’ve written about my daily meditation practice from the Art of Living. It keeps me grounded in my breath. I believe I am more present because of the practice. It’s not easy but I try to be in the present moment and not anticipating tomorrow or dredging up the past. I have recently started swimming laps. Swimming laps takes away all the distractions. There is no iPhone, no television, no music, no conversation, or mindless eating. All you have is your body, the water and your breath. I’m not thinking about my grocery list or if my daughter will call or about last night’s failed meatloaf. I’m not dwelling on doubting my abilities or skills. I am in the present moment. Whether it’s mediation, swimming, yoga or a walk, find a way to get present. It keeps the doubts at bay.
  • Yes and. This is the rule of thumb for improvisational comedy. It’s also a great way to brainstorm. So instead of saying, “No” , or “Yes, but…”, you are keeping your options open. So if I am doubting I can keep my house out of foreclosure, I say, “Yes, and I can rent out a few rooms,” or “Yes, and I can get a second job,” or “Yes, and I can run a cooking class out of my kitchen.” It makes everything possible instead of impossible. It keeps your doubts under wraps.

I have not perfected this and there are times that when I get a phone message from my attorney or boss that I immediately assume the worst. But almost immediately, I take a moment to reframe the situation and wait for more data before jumping to catastrophic conclusions. Doubt is nothing but fear rearing its ugly head. You may have a small lapse but keep moving on.

⚓️5 Tips on Ocracoke in Winter

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy Noice1 Comment

I enjoy the beach in the winter time.  I’ve traveled to the Outer Banks several times over the last few years and it’s never failed to provide moments of awe and an excellent respite from dreary humdrum winter days. It’s a great escape from the cabin fever of working from home with the same four walls.

The island of Ocracoke sits well off the coast of North Carolina and is 9.6 square miles.  Almost the whole island is part of the Hatteras National Seashore.  There are absolutely no structures along the beach for the entire length of the island except for a ferry building and a bathroom. The only way to get to the island is by private boat, a ferry from either Cape Hatteras, Swan Quarter or Cedar Island or by private plane into the tiny airport. With a population of less than 800 and miles of open, undeveloped beaches, this is a great place for an escape.

Sunset in January on Ocracoke Island

My 5 tips on Ocracoke in the winter:

Ferries.  I had initially thought that I was going to take the ferry from Swan Quarter or Cedar Island to get to Ocracoke.  The problem was that there were only two departure times, 10 AM or 4 PM.  I couldn’t see getting to either location which was at least a 3 1/2-hour drive from my home.  It meant leaving home at 5:30 AM and absolutely nothing going wrong.  I didn’t want to arrive in the dark to the place I was staying.  My only other option was driving to Cape Hatteras which has upwards of 10 ferries a day to Ocracoke which gave me more flexibility in my arrival time. The added bonus was stopping at Bodie Island and Hatteras Lighthouses on the way to the ferry station.  I ended up taking the Cedar Island ferry home at the end of the week because it departed at 7:30 AM and that was easy to make since it was less than a mile from where I was staying. Plan accordingly.

Sunrise.  Sunrise on Ocracoke in January is between 7:15 and 7 AM.  I scouted a few beaches when I first arrived.  Since it’s about 15 miles to travel the length of the island on Highway 12, it was pretty easy to figure which spot would be easiest to navigate in the twilight of dawn. The closest access point to the village of Ocracoke had a lovely boardwalk out to the beach but it was chest high in sand.  While I was able to get up and over the sand, I didn’t think it made sense to do that in the darkness before dawn.  I found my spot at the beach right across from the pony pen about half way up the island.  There was a great boardwalk out to the beach and a pony pen. Each morning was like Christmas, wondering what the sunrise would be like.  Some were pink and red, others were clear and stark with just the sun and a blue horizon and some were streaked with clouds.  The anticipation of the drive out in the fog or full moon and then the sound of the waves crashing and not knowing if there would be beach enough to walk (one morning high tide and sunrise corresponded at 7:08 AM which made for very little sand to walk on). Each morning was a surprise and had its own beauty and awe.  There was never another soul on the beach. See the sunrise.

Traffic. Well, there isn’t any traffic unless a ferry has just arrived. And the two ferries in the village of Ocracoke (from Swan Quarter and Cedar Island) are lucky to have 10 vehicles on them.  But if you suddenly see five cars in a row, you can bet a ferry just came in or the small K-12 school has let out at the end of the school day.  Highway 12 along the national seashore is 55 miles an hour and practically everyone on the road is either coming or going from the Hatteras ferry. Once you are in the Village of Ocracoke the speed limit is 20 miles an hour.   That’s right, 20 MILES AN HOUR.  I figured out by Friday, when it was 65 degrees and some folks from the mainland were coming in for the weekend, that golf carts are the main mode of transportation. Hence the 20 miles an hour on all roads in the village. There are no traffic lights and quite a few folks tooling around on golf carts and signaling with their hands.  There is one turn in town which is marked with 15 miles an hour! The speed limit creates a relaxing pace, there is nothing to hurry to.  There is no traffic.

Businesses. When I was planning my visit, I read about a coffee shop that was right across the street from where I was staying and several restaurants.  Practically everything was closed for the season.  So, if you go before March or April, make sure you are prepared.  No boat tours, art studios, cappuccinos, kayak rentals or para sailing (I know way too cold).  These are available in the summer but not in January.  I had brought most of my food in my car but I’m glad I did.  There was one market that is open daily and it had a surprisingly good selection of produce and staples. There were two restaurants (re bars) open.  There are absolutely no franchise businesses like McDonalds, Subway or Starbucks, which adds to the quaintness of the village. I started to panic a few days before heading back home because I only had a quarter tank of gas and had not noticed any gas stations.  I found it through a google search in front of a camp ground. There were two pumps and I was able to pay by credit card. There was no obvious place to pay with cash. So be sure to gas up before you go.

Sights.  Besides walking on the beach there are a few sights to see in the winter.  I explored Springer’s Point Nature Reserve which is a small park with trails and is walking distance from the Ocracoke Lighthouse.   Springer’s Point is a 122-acre nature reserve with a maritime forest and some wetlands.  It’s also where Edward Teach (Blackbeard) had a hideout and lost his life right off the shoreline at Teach’s Hole in a battle with the British. The Ocracoke Lighthouse is the oldest operating lighthouse in North Carolina and is a stark plain white.  It sits right in the middle of the village as opposed to Hatteras and Bodie Island which are not near any other buildings. It was put into operation in 1824 and stands 75 feet tall.  It’s not open to climb although it’s open to visit in the summer time. The Ocracoke Ponies were allegedly “Banker” horses that were left by shipwrecked explorers in the 16th and 17th century. They have been on Ocracoke since the first European settles came in 1730.  The horses are in pens since the construction on the island long highway 12 so that they would not be injured.  There is a nice boardwalk to see several other horse pens and a grandstand of sorts to be able to get a bird’s eye view of the horses.  There are a few sights to see in the winter but if you don’t like walking on the beach or being curled up in your accommodations, there is not much else to see.

I think that Ocracoke is a great place to visit in the winter because it’s so quiet, peaceful and has a slow pace. It’s one of the best places to see the night sky on the east coast because of its lack of buildings.  I drove out the one clear night I had and was able to see several constellations. As long as you come prepared with a gassed-up car, plenty of food and a love of solitude, this is the place for you.

🚴‍♂️ 5 Tips on Just Coasting

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy NoiceLeave a comment

I recently read Oliver Burkeman’s “4000 Weeks”. It’s a humbling book.  Perhaps a hamster wheel stopper. The title derives itself from the number of weeks the average person has in their life (if you live to 76).  Gulp. At sixty years old, I’ve got less than 1000 weeks left. It’s made me take stock.  It shines a light on all the striving I’ve done in my life, the next raise, project, bonus check, prom, graduation, wedding, house, promotion, boyfriend, training, client.  It’s an endless path full of hurdles that I keep trying to get past; and the more “efficient” I get at it, the more projects, tasks and duties seem to come down the pike. I so rarely, if ever, just coast.

I remember biking the Virginia Creeper Trail a few years ago.  Most of the riding of the seventeen plus mile trail, is just coasting.  It’s wonderful gliding through the autumnal trees with a meandering river below or beside. It’s mostly effortless and I was able to get back into the moment of the sheer joy of gliding through the air.  That’s the feeling I want for my last 1000 weeks.  Coasting.

Here are some tips on learning to coast:

  1. Find the awe. I try and snapshot moments in my life. Singing hallelujah at the vespers concert in Duke Chapel, a single dancer pantomiming a scream and some 30 dancers falling down like dominos in unison at a Spring Dance recital at the School of the Arts. Or the sweet smell of honeysuckle on a sunrise walk with my dog, the mainsail filling and the sailboat starting to heel on Jordan Lake with a bluebird sky, 83 year old Lena Mae Perry’s electrifying voice singing, “Oh Lord, come by me” at a mesmerizing Stay Prayed Up performance, and the grimace, shiver and might of my son lifting a personal best 176 kg over his head at the Queen City Classic. As Burkeman wrote, “The world is bursting with wonder, and yet it’s the rare productivity guru who seems to have considered the possibility that the ultimate point of all our frenetic doing might be to experience more of that wonder.” I’m trying to pay attention to the awe and wonder.
  2. Be curious. Curiosity is the antidote to fear. Being curious and fearful turn on the same reactions in the body, it’s just that reframing it as curiosity helps your mind repackage it.  So instead of your prefrontal cortex shutting down to run for it, it opens your mind to take in the experience.  It’s like reading a signal from your body in a different manner, a different language. As Burkeman espoused, “choosing curiosity (wondering what might happen next) over worry (hoping that a certain specific thing will happen next, and fearing it might not) whenever you can.” I’m trying to stay curious.
  3. Let time use you. This is complete blasphemy to my uber scheduled life of routines, appointments and structure. On the surface, it feels like letting go of the wheel while driving down interstate 40 at 70 miles per hour. As written by Burkeman, “There is an alternative: the unfashionable but powerful notion of letting time use you, approaching life not as an opportunity to implement your predetermined plans for success but as a matter of responding to the needs of your place and your moment in history.” It’s a matter of response and flexibility.  Let things unfold and find the gift in the unfolding. The traffic jam, being put on hold, the long line at check-out, here is an opportunity to let time use you.
  4. Find what counts. “Follow your gift, not your passion” wrote Steve Harvey. This reframe has been very beneficial to me.  I spent a lot of time trying to find “my passion”.  Knowing my gifts is so much more obvious.  I write well, I’m a phenomenal coach, I’m a good mom and I’m a great cook.  There.  Now all I have to do is use my gifts.  There lies my passion. As Burkeman wrote, “Once you no longer need to convince yourself that the world isn’t filled with uncertainty and tragedy, you’re free to focus on doing what you can to help. And once you no longer need to convince yourself that you’ll do everything that needs doing, you’re free to focus on doing a few things that count.” I need to use my gifts to do what counts.
  5. Do less. I coach so many women who work more and more and more hours each week. Some work until midnight, eat lunch at their desk, or work all Sunday evening to “get ahead”. Only to be rewarded with more to do because, well, they are good at doing so much. As Burkeman posits, “Limit your work in progress. Perhaps the most appealing way to resist the truth about your finite time is to initiate a large number of projects at once; that way, you get to feel as though you’re keeping plenty of irons in the fire and making progress on all fronts. Instead, what usually ends up happening is that you make progress on no fronts—because each time a project starts to feel difficult, or frightening, or boring, you can bounce off to a different one instead. You get to preserve your sense of being in control of things, but at the cost of never finishing anything important.” Perhaps this is the most difficult thing to tackle. To limit what you are working on so that you actually accomplish something. The curse of multitasking is that you really are just task switching and losing ground each time you switch tasks. Embrace doing less.

I’m a recovering efficiency-aholic. I walk into a grocery store and I’ve already mentally mapped which aisles I’m going down and in what order to maximize my time. The concepts in this book are sobering yet in a sense, it’s all about just being in the moment.  As much as possible to be here right now, balance yourself on your bike, lift your feet up and coast.

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🤔How to Decide on Happiness

On By Cathy NoiceIn Cathy Noice2 Comments

I have struggled over the last five years with finding happiness. I have strained, pushed, and worked on finally arriving at the railroad station, boarding the rail car called Happiness. Having taken this very circuitous route, I’ve come to realize: it’s not a destination; it’s not arriving or departing. It’s not being on standby. The thing is that it’s always been in me. It can be in me right now. If the room is cold or the room is too hot, if it’s raining outside or the sun is shining, if the wifi is working or not, if my tea cup is empty or full, I am able to be happy right now. 

I have read Michael Neill’s The Space Within. It’s a thought-provoking book about just letting things be. About giving up control and focusing on what is. To letting go of your thinking and worrying and just letting things be. I think this is about just deciding to be happy right now. Just let life work itself out and yet embrace happiness now. It doesn’t take a milestone like buying a house or the divorce to be final or for you to complete the marathon; be happy right now. The key is to decide. So go ahead and decide on happiness right now.

Here is how to decide on happiness:

Happiness is not the goal

This seems counterintuitive. If you view happiness as the goal, you never find it.  There is always one more hurdle to jump over. One more thing to check off the list.  You never seem to arrive. I have the new car but I won’t be happy until it’s paid off.  Once the car is paid off, then I’ll need to get new tires. Once I get new tires, then the brakes will need replacing. There is always one more thing before happiness is ours, right? The finish line keeps getting extended. We never achieve satisfaction. We never ever arrive. Quit focusing on happiness being the goal.

Happiness is not dependent on others

I can remember thinking as a kid that I would be happy when I found the love of my life or when I had children. Basing your happiness on someone outside of yourself will lead to disappointment. It all starts with you. When it’s dependent upon others, others disappoint. They let you down and then your happiness evaporates. When you can find it in yourself, there is no disappointment. There is only your mindset. If my friend wants to meet up or not. If my lover tells me they love me or not. If my child gets the job, or graduates from college or not. Happiness is within me and is self-created.

Happiness is not about getting what you want

As Neill writes, “The secret to happiness is simply this…your happiness does NOT depend on getting what you want.” This means that similar to The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy always had home in her heart. She just needed to tap into it. Happiness is within you right now. You don’t need to get the next thing: The new car, vacation, jacket or coffee maker. Happiness does not exist in the striving for what you want but rather in you right now. Let go of the wishlist and be happy right now.

Happiness is not in the doing

Neill writes, “If you are doing things in order to be happy…you’re doing them in the wrong order.” For me this means to be happy while doing. It starts with the mindset of being happy right now. Start with being happy. Start between the ears. Doing will follow. Just start with a smile on your face and bliss between the ears. Neill suggests looking for the space between words. It’s difficult to look for the space between words when you start looking for it. It’s in the space. That pause. That moment where the infinite is. For me that is being present. Not multitasking. Not looking at your phone. Just be.

Happiness is not a short cut

Neill espouses, “By taking the time to live life in the slow lane, we quickly experience a deeper, more profound experience of contentment.” I opted for a walking meeting with a coworker of mine. The meeting took at least 30 minutes longer than I had expected. The thing is, I connected with the coworker and found out about some recent health issues she was having. I only had thirty minutes on my schedule but the walk and the conversation led to places I didn’t expect or anticipate. It’s letting go of control and letting the path unfold as it needs to. No need to rush, take short cuts or push through. Take the long way, the slow lane and don’t miss a thing.

I wrote myself a note in the Silence Course I took several years ago. The first item on the note was to smile more. Several people at the course had told me what a beautiful smile I had and how it lit up my face. We all have beautiful smiles. We all need to smile more often. Don’t wait to smile or be happy. Be happy right now. Smile right now. It’s infectious. Are you happy right now?