Month: October 2025

👍Empathy makes the difference

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Your co-worker cuts you off before you’ve entirely explained your idea.  Your boss prescribes you how to fix the production issue, but never even asks what your ideas might be.  Your spouse doesn’t bother to hold the door open when you are carrying in the groceries.  The 18 wheeler won’t let you merge in order to get past the accident.  All of these are signs of a lack of empathy and its persistence is eroding the relationships around you.  As DeLores Pressley wrote, “Empathy is the ability to experience and relate to the thoughts, emotions or experience of others. Empathy is more than simple sympathy, which is being able to understand and support others with compassion or sensitivity.”

So why do we need more empathy?  It is what makes us human. Most of the animal kingdom is working off of “me-first” instincts.  Kill or be killed.  You’re never going to see a crocodile share its prey with another adversary.  Empathy connects us and through that connection, we are able to compound on those connections to much greater success and well being.

Here are the 5 reasons why empathy is the difference maker:

  1. Understanding others helps develop relationships. Think about that guy at work who always brags about his fabulous European vacation and his wonderful new motorcycle. The guy you can’t get a word in edgewise with.  You know who I’m talking about.  Do you feel any warmth or connection with him?   Not likely.  Do you want to go above and beyond for him?  Not likely either.  Trust gets built when there is shared understanding.  Relationships are the foundation of organizations.  Unless there is trust and understanding, it’s difficult to have success.  Empathy is the re-bar in that foundation.
  2. Empathy ensures openness. In any relationship, whether it’s a marriage, partnership or corporation, openness is critical. Openness is the antithesis of secrecy. This is why everyone gets paranoid when the CEO’s office door is shut.  “Here come the layoffs.”  It also ensures that leaders aren’t prescribing the answers.  So, what happens is the co-worker brings an issue and their counterpart says, “What are your ideas?” instead of “This is the way you should do it.”  An openness to all possibilities creates innovation and breaking out of the status quo.  This is critical for organizations as well as personal relationships.
  3. Putting other’s interest first brings mutual respect. As written by Toby Norton, “Serotonin is the molecular manifestation of the feeling of pride—we get it when we perceive others like or respect us. On a deep level, we need to feel that we and our work are valued by others, particularly those in our group.” This helps reinforce positive feelings from everyone. “Hey Joe made sure I knew the numbers were off before I presented to the Board.”  I’ve got Joe’s back going forward.  This mutual respect compounds on itself like a ripple effect across the organization or department or family.  It’s the way we do things around here.
  4. Empathy makes it safe for us to fail. I can hear you whining. “But, Cathy, we don’t want to encourage failure.”  This is a pipe dream.  Of course we are going to fail.  At work, at home and at school.  If we don’t encourage failure, everyone starts hiding the evidence.  I don’t want Suzie to know that we had an error in the report.  I don’t want my manager to know that the product isn’t priced right.  If we cannot be transparent and fall on the sword when we fail, then neither will anyone else around us.  This breeds secrecy and distrust.  Everyone goes around constantly looking to repair their image.  It’s exhausting and demoralizing.  Empathy creates a safe place to fail.
  5. Feeling valued by others compels the group forward. As written by Norton, “Homo sapiens developed a herd instinct; thanks to those cooperative chemicals (i.e. serotonin and oxytocin), we find comfort when we’re part of a group.” According to Sinek, “Our confidence that we can face the dangers around us literally depends on feeling safe in a group. Being on the periphery is dangerous. The loner on the edge of the group is far more susceptible to predators than someone who is safely surrounded and valued by others.” It is a simple as saying “Is everything OK?” It’s paying attention to simple gestures like holding the elevator door, letting the car merge in or helping reset the room after the training.  These small things help create value and connection for everyone.  It keeps paying it forward on an ongoing basis.

Try incorporating more empathy in your life.  Listen without judgment.  Clarify your partner’s needs.  Be open to what is there.

🤨 Let Go of Being the Director

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You submitted the proposal two weeks ago and there has been no response. “Action!” Everyone is talking over each other during the meeting. “Quiet on set!” Your child isn’t listening to your chore list. “Boom!”  The team can’t seem to get any traction on the project. “Roll!”  Wouldn’t it be great to have a giant megaphone in your hand and a bird’s eye view of all aspects of your life?  So if you wanted your friend to sober up, your boss to give you a raise or make your partner a sexy beast, all you would have to do is change the script and make it happen.  The truth is, while we may have delusions of being the director of our lives, we really just need to rewrite that script and surrender control.

There is an ongoing theme that crops up a lot when I coach.  More than a lot.  Clients are constantly striving to change the other people in their lives.  They want their son to stop smoking, their co-worker to quit being nosy, their boss to acknowledge their accomplishments–you get the picture.  With all this constant striving to control and change others, we become embittered.  “I’ve told him to quit smoking dozens of times and he doesn’t listen to me.”  Sigh. “I’ve quit talking to my co-worker but they are still nosy.” Argh. “I’ve finished 6 projects ahead of schedule and my boss hasn’t said a word.” Woe is me.  The heart of this is the way we react to it.  The story we tell ourselves in our heads and the approach we take.

Here are some tips on how to let go of your need to be the Director:

  • Acknowledge that you are trying to direct others.  Changing a mindset always starts with acknowledging that it even exists. Several years ago, my son was baking a cake in my kitchen.  I ran around cleaning everything up and putting things away.  Critiquing each step.  He stepped back and said, “Let me fail.”  It was profound for me.  I needed to acknowledge that I wanted to control the situation, as if a cake was life or death.  So this is what control is like.
  • Reflect on your striving.  As a coach, I ask, “Can you control your boss…your daughter…your co-worker?”  Invariably the client says “No.” I ask, “Can you let go of the striving to control?” Client: “That’s not easy.” The striving itself is the source of your pain.  You are trying to change reality (albeit for the better) but the striving is undermining your relationship with the person you are trying to change.  So think about that.  You can’t change someone else’s actions, and you striving and worrying and manipulating will only twist you into a knot. So pick it up and put it on the table to look at it.  So this is what striving is; it’s striving to change things that you cannot direct.
  • Shut down the illusion.  So when I was in the middle of the baking catastrophe with my son, I decided to leave the room.  I was nothing but a stressed-out hindrance.  I took off my director’s beret, let go of the story and went to my trailer (actually my office). Let go of the illusion of control. I already knew how to make that cake.  Now it’s his turn.  My being in the kitchen was not going to change the end result.  It was delicious, by the way.  All by himself.  Successfully directing is just an illusion.
  • Figure out what you do have control over.  Hmmm.  Well, your reaction.  You have control over your reaction.  Even better to tell yourself, I have control over my response.  I can get mad, angry, frustrated, sad, or resentful.  I can also be sublime, calm, happy, relaxed or joyful.  You really do get to choose; the choosing is just different than what you initially thought.  I can remember being in the restaurant business and dealing with disgruntled customers.  My reaction to their bitterness was to be over-the-moon friendly.  Big smile, eye contact, “My day is just fabulous” attitude and it was infectious.  I was amazed at how I could turn a situation like a miss on a rare steak around through my own outlook.  Be that spark.  Understand that you can control yourself.
  • Don’t take it personally.  This is hard.  I have several clients that are putting off their happiness until…they get a promotion, their nemesis quits, their husband loses 20 pounds or their daughter sobers up. I can’t be happy if my daughter is unhappy.  I can’t be happy until Suzy quits.  The failures (and successes) of others are happening independent of you.  Whether or not that cake failed had nothing to do with me.  Let go of your personal responsibility for others’ actions.
  • Realize that everyone else wants to be the director of their own lives.  This is especially true when world events seem out of control.  So buried behind your boss’ request for a new venue for the holiday party is likely their need for control.  The tight deadline from your co-worker is to make sure it fits in their life.  Understand and respect that even your dog wants to control you by pawing you when you stop petting.  We all want influence and control.

This is not easy and it is a slow process. Take it slowly and consciously and it will change.  Just remember when you start getting wrapped up in the dramatic film in your head to ask yourself, “Am I really the director?  Am I really in control?” and let it go.

😃8 Tricks to Being a Great Listener

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You want to impress your boss with your novel idea before anyone else says it, so you interrupt.  You categorically disagree with your wife’s view on politics so you butt in to straighten her out.  You start planning your day while your child is telling you the same old knock-knock joke they always do and misses the punch line.   You wonder why no one listens to you.  You can’t seem to get anyone’s attention.  The thing is that listening is a gift and if you don’t give it?  You don’t get it.

It’s so easy in a world of constant distraction, a presidential election, and task-switching to just give up on the generous act of listening.  Active listening is an investment and it’s not readily apparent when it will pay off.  I believe that active listening–or as Stephen Covey defines it, “listening to understand”–is the single greatest gift you can give anyone.  Everyone has a deep-seated need to be heard.  Deeply heard.

Here are the 8 tricks to being a better listener:

  1. Turn off the noise. If it’s possible, try and find a quiet place. If you are in the middle of a rock concert, it’s probably not a good idea to decide to start listening.  There is often a lot of background noise, so shut off the television, turn off your phone and close the door.  When you prepare the space to listen, the other person, whether it be a co-worker or family member, feels respected as you prepare for them to speak.
  2. Shut down technology. There is nothing more disrespectful than someone checking their phone while you are talking. It’s essentially saying that what might possibly be on this phone (be it an Instagram notification or junk email) is more important than you.  Since most of us are addicted to our devices, turn it off so that the temptation is gone.  Set the stage to be a good listener.
  3. Mirror their posture. So if they lean in, you lean in. If they cross their arms, you cross your arms.  Don’t go overboard and mimic every raised finger or eyebrow.  It needs to be subtle but the mirroring helps you connect.  As the article “Mirroring in Body Language” in Psychologia states, “Mirroring body language is a non-verbal way to say ‘I am like you, I feel the same.’ The research shows that people who experience the same emotions are likely to experience mutual trust, connection and understanding.” Make a better connection through mirroring.
  4. Get present. Mindfulness training like meditation or yoga can help with this. It’s time to quiet the mind.  You can be more open to any direction in conversation when you are in the moment.  Let the grocery list go and forget about the weather report.  Relax and be in the moment.
  5. Don’t talk. This can be incredibly difficult for extroverts like myself. I have a ton of ideas I want to spill out.  I have this feeling that I need to express everything that is in my head before I forget it.  What I realize now is that if I forget it, it probably wasn’t that special anyway.  And if it is that unique or special, it will eventually bubble up again down the road. It can even give you the opportunity to go back to the person and say, “I was thinking about our talk and…” They will feel heard and acknowledged. For the introverts out there, this is as easy as pie.  Keep your mouth shut.
  6. First seek to understand. This is a tenet by Stephen R. Covey: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” At this point, it’s ok to ask clarifying questions, like, “How did you feel when he said that to you?” or “What was the impact of that on you?” or “What are you learning about yourself?” These are all questions focused on the speaker. It’s not: “Can I come too?”; or a judgment: “That guy is a jerk.”  Clarifying questions help you understand the speaker’s point of view.
  7. Don’t let the influence of accents or slang put you on the defensive. As Skills You Need states, “Everybody has a different way of speaking – some people are for example more nervous or shy than others, some have regional accents or make excessive arm movements, some people like to pace whilst talking – others like to sit still. Focus on what is being said and try to ignore styles of delivery.” Let go of your personal prejudice and be open to the message, regardless of the mode of expression.
  8. Everyone is right…partially. This is a tenet of CRR Global.  Everyone owns a piece of the truth, but not all of it.  I can feel like the “Corrector in Chief” which will make me jump in and pronounce a word correctly for someone or, worse yet, actually finish their sentence. Let the speaker own their message and deliver it.  If you agree or not.  That is not the question.  It is all about listening and understanding the intended message.  This is not a debate and there are no winners.  Everyone is right…partially.

Growing up my father was always a good listener.  He would ask probing questions and listen to the answer.  Patiently.  It was a gift to have that as a child growing up. I hope I can give the same gift to my children and all the other people in my life.

🤗Let to Go to Create Space

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You’re angry because the meeting isn’t going your way.  You’re frustrated because your partner never makes the bed.  You smolder as the traffic piles up and will definitely be making you late to work this morning.  What’s next?  The self-critic pops in for a drive by of self-berating.  “My ideas stink.” “He doesn’t appreciate me making this bed.  I’m a doormat.” “I’m an idiot.  Why did I go this way?” Does any of this sound familiar?

It’s amazing how often my clients don’t realize the language they use when they talk to or about themselves. Client:  “I’m the only one my mother has.”  Coach: “So you are responsible for your mother’s addiction?”  Client: (smile) “Well, when you say it like that…probably not.” Coach:  “Probably?”  Client: (bigger smile) “Why does it sound different when you say it? Definitely not.” We all have a ticker tape of the little self-critic rambling on and on and on in our heads.  That little self-critic is taking up precious space that is valuable real estate for much better things.  It’s time to let go.

Here are some things that you will create space for:

  • Random acts of self-care.  I gave up on the news many years ago.  I let go of the need to be constantly informed.  I am calmer.  I am no longer hyper vigilant waiting for the next shoe to drop.  With the thirty minutes I saved (actually it’s probably more like 2 hours if you count all the news links I would take randomly throughout the day to get the latest on the stock market or what the administration is up to), I’ve added 20 minutes of meditation and self-reflection.  If I’m home early before dinner, I read or meditate.  Create the space for self-care.
  • Loving kindness for others.  I have given up the resentment when I do things for others.  I used to get angry when I did the dishes or made the bed.  I had to let go of my story that I was being a doormat.  I changed the story to be one of loving kindness for my partner;  instead of constantly searching for the balance of power of “I did this” now “You owe me that.”  It was exhausting to constantly keep score.  Now I am in the space of having loving kindness for everyone.  A sort of pay it forward of love and kindness.  There is no scoreboard necessary.
  • Liberation for myself and others.  It’s so easy to get wrapped up in your children’s success or failure.  To see it as a reflection of you; as an extension of you.  If he doesn’t go to an Ivy League school, what will the neighbors think?   I let go of the attachment to their outcomes.  It’s the same when you want to implement a new procedure at work and it gets shelved.  Oh well, move on.  A year ago I would have lost sleep over the shelving of the procedure and had mock arguments in my head with the nay-sayers for hours ad nauseam.  I am set free.  Embrace liberty.
  • Embracing uncertainty.  As I say to my clients, we all want control.  We all want to be the Wizard of Oz with our hands on the joy stick of life.  Fact is that there is no control.  This can be uncomfortable.  Very uncomfortable.  When I let go of control, I started to be more adaptable.  I was driving from Virginia to home last week.  The tire pressure indicator on the car came on.  I initially felt a jolt of anxiety.  I took a deep breath and realized that I could control my reaction.  I called my friend for a second opinion on a 29 psi and he told me it would be fine for the time being.  I did stop at a gas station and filled up the tire (I have not filled a tire with air in about 30 years).  No sweat. I didn’t panic. Let go the illusion of control and embrace uncertainty.
  • Space for openness.  When you let go of judgment, you make space for openness.  Self-judgment is debilitating.  Constantly judging others is also debilitating.  “I’m fat.” “She’s fat.” “What an atrocious dress.”  “He’s late again.” Judge. Judge. Judge. Judge.  I am not completely free of doing this but I am at least calling it out in my head.  “This is judgment.”  The first step is to label it.  Acknowledge that you are doing it.  Calling my judge out lets me embrace acceptance.  I imagine writing on my forehead with a sharpie and masking tape: Judge.  Label it.  Then let it go.  The universe is open to me (and you).
  • Detach from emotions.  I have been a stuffer of emotions.  I would numb them or stuff them deep inside.  I am learning to lean into the emotion and observe it.  Oh, so this is anger.  My throat is constricted and my head is hot.  Oh, so this is sadness.  My stomach is clenched and tears are streaming down my face.  I love the analogy that I am just the movie screen and that the movie actually being projected is my thoughts.  I am able to just be the movie screen and not the movie.  Let go of the thoughts that create the emotion and observe.

This has been a deep and deliberate practice for several months but I am reaping the rewards.  Create space for what you really want and let go.  It is better.

😎4 Tips on Dealing with VUCA

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You go to your favorite restaurant and they have taken your favorite menu item off the menu. Boo hoo. You’re told by the Accounting Manager that you have to use a new expense system instead of the tried and true excel sheet you have always used.  Aargh. Your spouse calls to say they won’t be home for dinner after you’ve already started cooking a feast for four (and the dog doesn’t like pot roast).  Sigh.  Change is constant and it’s making you at the very least frustrated, if not leaving you completely overwhelmed.

In the day and age of VUCA world, an acronym for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity, it can feel like it’s completely out of control.  Or as Nathan Bennett and G. James Lemoine wrote in their HBR article, “What VUCA Really Means for You“: Hey, it’s crazy out there!  What’s important is to not take this constant change personally.  When the client cancels or your daughter is two hours late, you internalize it as the universe striking out against you once again and you slowly start feeling helpless.  Or as Eeyore would say, “The sky has finally fallen, I always knew it would.” Resisting change requires a lot of effort and energy and, if you think about it, it’s quite futile.

Here are 4 tips to reducing resistance to change:

  1. Reduce your distractions.  Watching the news everyday increases your feelings of helplessness.  95% of what you see or read in the news is completely and utterly out of your control (and we all want control).  When your mind is constantly being distracted by news and notifications (i.e. email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.), you start to feel helpless and overwhelmed.  You are primed to rebel against the next change. So when the new company initiative gets rolled out you start to think “not one more thing!”   I have turned off all my notifications on my phone except for phone calls and texts.  I’ll find out what email I have twice a day instead of constantly checking my phone.  The reduction in distractions has made me calmer and open to what might be coming next.  So if the meeting is cancelled or your boss scraps your project, you won’t fall into overwhelm.
  2. Rituals and routines.  I think I have close to 25 morning habits and I keep adding.  Weigh myself, take my medication, brush my teeth while saying affirmations, water pik, grab my sneakers, turn on the outside light, grab my phone and earbuds, sit in my swinging chair, listen to my Calm app for 10 minutes of meditation, grab a cup of coffee, move to my recliner and listen to my Whil app for mindfulness guidance for 10 minutes, wish everyone happy birthday and post a positive meme on Facebook, mental exercise with Lumosity app,  study two Spanish sections on my Duolingo app, put my sneakers on, take out the recycle, turn on my book on Audible and take a 30 minute walk, take a shower, dress, drink breakfast smoothie and head to work.  The point of all of this is that I can control these things.  I do all these things, all the time(for the most part, I don’t travel with my water pik) and I feel the rhythm.  I feel in control.  It helps be feel empowered over my day. When other people get defensive in a meeting, I am able to take it in and not react.  I respond.  So when there is an unexpected change, I just roll with it.
  3. The glass is half full.  Having a positive outlook is imperative in the VUCA world.  Kelly McGonigal wrote about this in her book called the Upside of Stress.  She recommended reframing the latest stress as a “challenge” rather than a detriment.  My friend has caught me saying, “I’m anxious about this speaking engagement” and she’ll correct me. “You mean, you are excited.”  It’s much more empowering to feel excited versus anxious.  So if the project needs to get done by 8 AM instead of next week, try thinking, “Wow, this is a real challenge, I’m excited.”  Your cortisol level will remain low and you will be able to work more efficiently.  Stress typically takes you to your primitive brain that shuts done your prefrontal cortex where you do your best thinking.  When you can reframe the change as a positive, you can recover your prefrontal cortex and get back to your best thinking.
  4. Connect with others.  As McGonigal wrote, “Connection with others activates prosocial instincts, encourages social connection, enhances social cognition, dampens fear and increases courage. You want to be near friends or family. You notice yourself paying more attention to others, or are more sensitive to others’ emotions.”  The best way to do this, if possible, is in person.  If your boss cancels the project, walk over to her office and find out the rationale behind the cancellation.  If you sit in your cube and ruminate about the change, in all likelihood your self-critic will be on steroids. “She doesn’t trust me. I’m in competent. She’s going to fire me.”  If walking into their office isn’t possible, go ahead and pick up the phone.  DO NOT EMAIL or MESSAGE.  It’s so easy to read into things too much based on the written word.  Personally connecting in person or by phone builds the relationship.

Controlling what you can control and letting go of what you can’t is the key to staying on top of the VUCA wave and not being crushed into the sandy surf.  You are only responsible for you.