I’ve just finished reading Gabriel Bernstein’s book, Judgment Detox.  The book is quite thought provoking and it has helped me work on being more accepting instead of judgmental. Gabriel points out how omnipresent judging is and that, “The root cause of all judgment is the fear of not being good enough, not being worthy of love, and not being safe.”  She offers 6 steps in her book but the step that resonated for me was Step 4: See for the first time. This step is all about acceptance.

Here is how to embrace acceptance:

See. I need to see people as they are and not how I want them to be. I think frequently throughout the day when I start to judge someone for some physical attribute, what they’re saying or not saying or what someone is wearing.I tend to have a current judgement of choice like white shoes in winter or stilettos on a subway. In order to “see” the person I need to get rid of all the assumptions I’ve created in a matter of seconds including but not limited to age, income, marital status, attitude, preferences and general intelligence. My judgements are built on a shaky scaffolding of past experiences and slights and wounds that take me away from acceptance and seeing each soul as they are. 

Light. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “The light in you is all I see”. When I assume that everyone has a light inside just trying to break out and shine, I’m am much more forgiving. As Brene Brown espoused, “All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best.  It keeps me out of judgement and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” I just imagine that everyone is trying to let their light shine and I just need to find that light.  Whether it’s a smile, or nod of a stranger or holding the door open or winking at a toddler. I’m trying to find ways to let other’s shine.

Self Acceptance. Acceptance is much more effective if I can accept myself. After all, judgement is the root of self recrimination.  As Bernstein wrote, “I use judgment to take the focus off my own feelings of inadequacy and I project those feelings onto someone else to feel relief.” If I am able to accept myself, including the extra weight, and creaking knees, I am much better equipped to accept others as they are. When I’m feeling self conscious, suddenly I notice everyone’s weight whether it be too much or too little. Self acceptance leads me to accepting other’s and their light.

Humanity.  I need to recognize that the other person is me. We all struggle and I need to have compassion for everyone else’s path. I think to back to when I was drinking, I scoffed at those who didn’t drink. Now that I am on the sobriety path, I need to make sure I have compassion for those who are on the same path, a different path and those who want to be on my path but just aren’t there yet. We are all working on something and I need to be able to hold space for everyone regardless of where they are on their journey.

Assume the best. If I have experience with someone that is frequently negative, I can start creating a play list of what I expect the person to do. Things like, ”She’ll shoot down my idea”, “He never likes my meatloaf”, “They always walk too fast.” I come into the next meeting with that person and expect the worst and set myself up with armor. When I can reframe the situation and assume the best, it’s much more likely to have a positive outcome. So even if she shoots down my idea, I can come back with “what are your thoughts?” It’s the old Henry Ford quote, “If you think you can or can’t, you’re right.” When I think that I can, I feel much more powerful and accepting. 

Acceptance is most difficult closest to home.  I have to be accepting of my children’s choices, my brother’s feedback and my friend’s complex schedule. It’s a relief to accept others as they are and to let them walk their own path without my judgement. How do you practice acceptance?