I listened to Charles Duhigg’s book, Super Communicators, while on my 10,000-mile cross country sojourn.  It was a very insightful book with surefire ways to be a better communicator. As many clients come to me trying to improve their communication it was reassuring that some of my ideas align with what Duhigg espouses in his book. I find that female clients in particular think, for example, that asking a question is a weakness.  This is, in fact, quite incorrect.  Being curious, listening well, and remaining open are the keys to super communication as well as knowing what you want to get out of the conversation.

Here are Duhigg’s steps to super communication:

Know the intent of the conversation.  This, for me, was the most difficult concept to grasp. Duhigg writes, “the right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything.” I think of conversations as exchanging information but it really does fall into three different categories.  The first type is a Practical Conversation.  This is pretty straightforward.  It’s about making plans (can you pick up the groceries?), solving problems (I need advice about my boss), or figuring things out (if Tom does the spreadsheet will Susie have time to get the PowerPoint done?).  I tend to think that all conversations are this as a one size fits all. It’s not. The second type is an Emotional Conversation. People in this type of conversation are seeking empathy, not advice (unless asked). This is where reflective listening is important and holding back on advice.  There have been a multitude of times in my life where all I wanted was for someone to listen and understand my frustration or excitement or anger rather than jumping to solve the problem.  The third type is a Social Conversation.  This is about how we relate to each other and to society.  Everyone has a unique perspective and wants to be heard and included. These discussions reflect “how we see others and how other people see us,” says Duhigg. What’s important here is to find common ground rather than paint broad strokes like stereo typing or looking for differences.  Duhigg summarizes it perfectly with, “Do you need to be hugged, helped or heard?’

Prove you are listening.  Duhigg calls this looping. As he wrote, “It’s a fairly simple technique—prove you are listening by asking the speaker questions, reflecting back what you just heard, and then seeking confirmation you understand—but studies show it is the single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them. It’s a formula sometimes called looping for understanding. The goal is not to repeat what someone has said verbatim, but rather to distill the other person’s thoughts in your own words, prove you are working hard to understand and see their perspective—and then repeat the process, again and again, until everyone is satisfied.” So, it’s not regurgitating everything they said but paraphrasing to make sure you understand. And, it’s fine to adapt as the speaker corrects your interpretation. I personally like to use someone’s language if I find it to be unique or a surprising metaphor or expression. So, think about proving that you are listening.

Ask a lot of questions. I remember my father as a child as we sat around the family table eating dinner, he always asked lots of probing and interesting questions. I think that sometimes we think that asking a question proves that we are ignorant when in reality it’s about clarity and curiosity. Being curious and inquisitive is what you should bring to the next board meeting. I have an issue with using a lot of Why questions because it can put people on the defensive.  Think “Why are you late? Why are we over budget? Why do you like him?”  There are other ways to say Why like “How did it happen that you were late? What brought you to this decision? What do you like about her?”  It’s less inquisition and more curiosity and openness. Duhigg has found in his research that highly effective communicators tend to ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as everyone else. Bring your curiosity and ask questions.

Seek understanding. This is part of Stephen Covey’s maxim “Listen to understand”. It’s not about responding or convincing or impressing.  It’s about sitting with the discomfort or holding space for the emotion. Not gliding past with a platitude or discounting how they are feeling.  It can be sharing a story about your similar experience with what they are going through. As Duhigg espouses, “This creates an atmosphere of trust, vulnerability and openness that both parties can benefit from. It says, “if you know I want to understand you, you’re going to want to understand me.” Seek understanding.

There are logistics with this as well.  I think privacy can be an important aspect to these conversations.  I think the complexion of a conversation can change dramatically depending on where and when it takes place. I’ve been working on figuring out the intent of the conversation.  What will you work on?