It’s so easy for me to get caught up in what someone says about me.  Good or bad or devastating. To tie my worth to someone else’s words.  To measure myself in someone else’s eyes. One comment about my weight from a family member, whether too thin or too heavy, can cut deeper than any physical cut. In Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big, she writes about the principles of unhooking from praise and criticism.  I found her words to be very insightful and freeing. 

Here are ways to untether from praise or criticism:

Feedback doesn’t tell you about you.  Crazy right?  Feedback is about who delivered the feedback.  So, if someone tells me the project doesn’t have enough detail, it’s more about their need for detail.  If someone tells me, it’s too far to drive, it’s too far for them to drive.  If someone tells me eating plant based isn’t healthy, it isn’t healthy for them. I also think this is about boundary setting as Brene Brown espouses.  If someone criticizes you about not working enough, they resent you because they are unable to set the same boundary.  I do know there is valid feedback that is of use like, “This is too salty” or “That color is lovely on you.” It’s just important to use the lens that whatever feedback you get is more about the other person than you.

Incorporate useful feedback and let go of the rest. I bought my third house when I was 8 months pregnant with my son, Benson. My conservative father told me that a bank would not give me a loan because I was pregnant. I was an entrepreneur and the bread winner in the house and he assumed they would not give me the loan.  I got the loan.  Sweating over whether they would or wouldn’t was not useful. My wonderful editor’s feedback on my blog posts is useful. Criticism from elsewhere of the end-of-life care for my dog was not. As Mohr writes, “Much of the feedback you’ll receive is not important to integrate into your work.  This is especially true for women innovators, change agents and activists.  Some of it is plain old backlash. Some reflects people’s being threatened by or not understanding cutting edge ideas. Some reflects attachment to the old way.” The most important feedback is from your intended audience and decision makers, focus on them. Piece out the feedback that is useful and let go of the rest.

Women who play big get criticized. As written by Mohr, “Think of the women you admire because of the significant impact they’ve made on their communities, their companies, or their industries.  Were they universally adored?  No, to say the least. Women doing or saying anything of substance draw both criticism and praise.  Some people give them a standing ovation and some throw tomatoes.” She suggests reading the book reviews on a woman author you like and to see both the positive and negative reviews. It’s important to remember that no one is universally beloved so don’t let criticism tarnish your shine.

Criticism hurts when it mirrors our own thinking. This is painfully true for me. I had a client last year that didn’t find his coaching time with me to be useful. It was a gut punch. I could have a hundred clients give me amazing reviews and the one guy who didn’t find me useful was crushing.  I have coached hundreds of clients at this point and I’m going to get tied to that one piece of feedback because I think I’m just not a good enough coach? Any weight related comment has the same effect, “You’re too skinny,” or “You could lose some weight.” I am so insecure about my appearance that any comment can send me into a tailspin. If someone doesn’t like my black bean brownies or mushroom risotto?  I could care less.. It’s the areas where I’m already insecure that does the most damage. I have to be diligent not to get hooked on the feedback that mirror my own insecurities.

What’s more important to me than praise? For me, it’s all about figuring out where I want to add value. It’s nice if someone likes my earrings or my new RV but where am I trying to have an impact?  I think of the countless coaches who have achieved their goals of living an intentional life or being a confident, influential leader.  This is where my value is.  Not the scale, or my bank account, or objects in my life.  If one woman travels solo overseas, or quits her toxic working situation or sets new boundaries that bring her peace, that’s where my impact is.  Figure out what impact you want to have in your corner of the world and focus on that.

I remember when I was looking for my replacement in my last job.  One of the candidates said I was a legend in Human Resources.  This was very high praise. It clouded my thinking on the candidate and gave too much weight to their candidacy. I was too hooked on the praise. Praise or criticism clouds my thinking.  What are you more hooked by? Criticism or praise?