I recently finished Tara Mohr’s, Playing Big. It’s such an insightful book that I’m embarrassed that I hadn’t read it until recently since it was published in 2014.  How Women Rise, has been my bible for coaching women in business and, Playing Big, surpasses it in many ways. It gives you actual tools  to help women find their voice. There were countless times, as I read this, that I said, “That’s me!”.  There is something comforting knowing that you are not the only one out there saying such disempowering phrases like “Does that make sense?” Or “Sorry, but”. It’s that need to please and to play small that hurts our career trajectory.

Here are my 4 tips from Playing Big:

The Inner Critic. We’ve all got one. Mine is in a constant state of fear waiting to be ostracized. The Inner Critic is bias towards negativity.  We mistakenly believe that we’re just having realistic thinking when in reality it’s catastrophic thinking.  I remember walking into a facilitation recently and the tables were not set up as I had expected. My Inner Critic immediately went to “this will never work” and “how could you have let this happen, Cathy?” None of this thinking is helpful in any way.  It takes me out of my Prefrontal Cortex (where we do our best thinking) and into my Amygdala (the fight or flight response). Listening to my Inner Critic takes me to a place where I can’t see possibility and it leads me to play Small. If you want to play Big, shut down your Inner Critic.

The Inner Mentor. So, if I shut down my Inner Critic, who am I going to listen to?  My Inner Mentor I found this to be very powerful. You can access the Inner Mentor Visualization by going to her website and finding Book Supplementary Materials.   In the visualization you are transported to 20 years from now and you meet up with yourself 20 years in the future.  You see the environment you are living in, how you hold yourself and in the end, you give yourself a gift. Connecting to your Inner Mentor is energizing because you can see that you survived whatever fear you think is holding you back.  I found my Inner Mentor to be very relaxed and comfortable. She was very at peace, centered and confident with endless wisdom. This is the person I need to seek advice from rather than the Inner Critic who seems to be running round looking for fire extinguishers and a 40-foot ladder (when there isn’t a fire).  Listening to my Inner Mentor brings me peace and she challenges me to take the leap. 

Know which fear you are experiencing. Tara taps into the two words for fear in Hebrew.  Pachad is imagined fear and yirah is the fear that overcomes us when we are taking over a bigger space. Pachad is an overreaction or irrational fear that stems from worries about what could happen. Like when my child is driving on New Years Eve, my pachad brain says she will get hit by a drunk driver.  The worst-case scenario type of thinking.  Yirah is the fear when I step onto a stage to speak or when I meet with a new potential client.  It’s that feeling of am I good enough to be here.  What if I get found out?  Who do you think you are Cathy?  In the case of Pachad, we want to dampen it down.  In the case of yirah, we want to embrace it.  To embody it. Yirah is helping us play Big.  Know which fear is showing up and choose wisely. 

Diminishing words.  This is similar to habit 9 in How Women Rise or minimizing.  It may sound like “You might think this is a crazy idea” where you set up your idea as something that’s not up to snuff.  I know I do it, so if my idea isn’t liked, I don’t feel as rejected.  Tara puts language to the 10 words or phrases that diminish ourselves.  They are: “Just, Actually, Kind of/Almost, Sorry, but…, A little bit, Disclaimers, “Does that make sense?”, raising pitch at the end of a statement, rushing, and turning a statement into a question.” UGH.  I am guilty of all of these speech habits. What I appreciate is that now I know what words to look for. As Tara admonishes, don’t try to fix all of them at once.  This is a perfectionist trap.  I’ve learned to focus on one of these habits and once I have conquered it, I’ll pick another. To play Big, be aware of using diminishing words. 

This book is a wealth of knowledge and even as I write this and referred back to the book, it has created greater awareness of how I show up.  Author and speaker, Amy Cuddy comes to mind as well where she says to take up space, express your ideas and show your strength.  All of this is an inside game between the ears.  How do you plan to play Big?