I just finished William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No.  Ury is the coauthor of Getting to Yes and Getting Past No and is a negotiating expert as well as the cofounder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation.  He knows of what he writes. “No” is one of the most uncomfortable things to say as it puts a stake in the ground or sets up a boundary. And for most folks, including myself, this can be difficult.  To push back in scenarios where work is impeding your personal life or standing firm in a decision to go down one path instead of another (more popular, better supported) path can be anguishing. 

The first paradigm around No that I learned was from coach and author Christine Kane in what she originally referred to as the Proactive No and, has since changed it to, the Natural No.  I can see now that they have some of the same principles although Ury’s has a lot more detail. Kane’s structure is really more a combination of Ury’s Step 1 and Step 2 and leaves out Step 3 which I can see is very imporant.

Here are the 3 steps to the Positive No:

Express your Yes. As Ury writes, “Perhaps the single biggest mistake we make when we say No is to start from No. We derive our No from what we are against – the other’s demand or behavior.  A Positive No calls on us to do the exact opposite and base our No on what we are for.  Root your No in a deeper Yes – a Yes to your core interests and to what truly matters.” So, I have to think about what my core belief is or my why.  If my boss wants me to work this Saturday, my Yes is quality time with my family.  My Yes is spending dinners with my family.  My Yes is getting 8 hours of sleep.  My Yes is focusing on plant-based foods.  I have to figure out my underlying Yes before saying No which takes thought.  Leading with Yes is a much more positive, respectful approach.  Kane’s framework involves preset boundaries and expressing them like “Sunday nights are for family” or “I only work with 10 clients at a time.” Being very clear with your boundaries or what you say Yes to. It’s not about stopping someone in their tracks, it’s shedding light on another aspect of your work or life that perhaps the other person is not aware of. It takes preparation and thought but start with your Yes. And it gives the other person a chance to understand you better.

Assert your No. Ury posits, “Saying No is essential to life.  Every living cell has a membrane that allows certain needed nutrients to pass through and repels others.  Every living organism needs such boundaries to protect itself.  To survive and thrive, every human being and every organization needs to be able to say No to anything that threatens their safety, dignity and integrity.” He says that No is quiet, deep and firm. He also suggests having a Plan B which is a backup plan but is not dependent on the other person. He also recommends answering three questions before saying No, “Do I have the interest in saying No? Do I have the power?  Do I have the right?” It’s important to focus on yourself and not to sweeten it up to be more receptive by the receiver. I’ve waffled many times in the past on my No.  No is not a negotiation, it’s a statement.  Controlling the other’s person’s reaction is not up to you.  You can always empathize with how they feel like “I can see this caught your off guard” or “I understand you are upset with this”.   Just don’t sympathize or feel their pain, just understand their pain. In Kane’s Proactive No, the No is the main focus although the Yes is embedded in it by saying “I spend dinners with my family so I can’t attend this meeting.” It gives the why Yes and the No all in the same statement. It leaves off the next step which I think is the most important. 

Propose a Yes. Ury states, “Delivering a Positive No is the cure of the process, requiring skill and tact.  It begins with an affirmation (Yes!), proceeds to establish a limit (No) and ends with a proposal (Yes?). This gives the opportunity for a positive outcome. You’re closing one door and asking the other to walk through another door.”  Making a proposal shows respect and anticipates their needs. “Quality family time is important to me (Yes), I can’t work on the project this weekend (No), I propose I work late Monday and Tuesday to get it done (Yes?).”  It also gives the other person a chance to say yes.  Sometimes, the other person is angry or triggered. Sometimes, you can be upset or triggered.  Giving space to cool off and coming back to a proposal may be in order.  Sometimes, there’s not enough information and you can suggest a later time or to gather more information. You can also you If…Then proposals, “If I get project C done by noon, I can sit in on the interview.” I think the proposal aspect is the most freeing of the process because it’s not the cold hard No.  It’s a No with a possibility of a different Yes. It’s a great opportunity to test assumptions. 

I really think this framework is empowering because I typically would get caught up in being nice and not wanting to ruffle feathers so I would avoid saying no.  It’s also important to know that someone could get angry or defensive or sad but none of that is in your control.  What is important is making space to live your values and being able to set up boundaries.  How do you say No?